Original subtitles

When we got married, I took the merry -go -round. In sickness and in health, I

said I'd do.

For richer or poorer, I took that part.

And you said that you'd honour and obey me too.

But it wasn't very long before I soon found out no one who wore the trousers

you.

Now after all these years of loss, I'm pushing you about.

But in sickness and in health, I love you.

Right.

I'm finished. Come and have a look.

There you are.

Don't say I don't do nothing for you. Next time, it's their turn to scrub

They're upstairs.

Hey, can you hear?

Next time, it's your turn to scrub this.

Well, they say that this bit of passage belongs to us. From the front door to

the stairs, they say, is ours.

So it's our business to keep it clean. All right, then.

If that is what they say, if this bit is ours, they can't walk over it no more.

They can't come in and out this way.

All right? All right?

If that's your bloody game up there, if this bit is ours, from the stairs

to the front door, you can't use it no more. All right?

You can't come in and out this way. You want to get out, you've got a bloody

ladder and climb out the window.

Don't walk over that until I've got some paper down.

Where's the mat?

Out the back.

I'm going to give them a good banging in a minute, get the dust out of them.

Well, don't do it yet.

Next door's got a washing hanging on. She can take it in, can't she? I ain't

hanging about waiting for her washing to dry.

Anyway, I'm going to light a bonfire out the back in a minute, burn up some

rubble.

That's rubbish.

I'll soon find some.

Why can't you wait till she takes her washing in? She'll soon take it in when

light the fire, don't you worry.

Look, that's my garden out the back, isn't it?

I pay rates for that bit of land, and if I want to light a fire, I'll bang me

mats out. It's my property I'm doing it on.

Well, it'd be more neighbourly to wait.

No, you let them walk all over you. That's your trouble.

Where's he been? Number four again, I suppose.

Morning tea gets over there, I can tell you.

Morning. Mind where you're walking? I just scrubbed all that.

Oh, blimey.

You look knackered, you do.

Do you know that that is the equivalent of a 20 -mile run, that is?

What is?

What you was doing over here.

Well, it's harder than pushing a wheelchair, especially after you've

block of flats.

Never mind. You won't have to do anything like that anymore, will you?

Ain't you lucky, smart -arse.

You want to set that up, Mrs G?

Oh, please, George.

Right -o. Let's see now.

Here we are.

Now... On Monday, you had two pints, right? Yeah. And 20p each way on Crown

Prince. Now, that went down, didn't it?

Then on Tuesday, you had one pint, half a pound of butter, and 20p on Ambrosia,

and that coming at 7 to 4 on. Yeah. Then on Wednesday, you had two pints, a

quarter pound of tea, and 50p Irish Lady, and that went down.

It fell down.

On Thursday, you had one pint, a dozen eggs, a quarter pound of cheese, and 20p

to win on Lucky Charlie, which was scratched.

You like them non -runners, don't you?

Then on Friday you had two pints, and that's right, I collected something from

the dry cleaners for you, and paid for it.

Now, what was it?

Oh, I know, it was the something of his, wasn't it? Yeah. They said they

couldn't get the stains out.

They wanted to know what they were. Yeah.

And then you had ten people in on Midnight Express. Yeah, that was a good

coming at under two -eight.

So let me see. Add that, take that, yeah, and that leaves... Yes, well,

right. I owe you two eggs.

All this gambling, I don't know. That supplementary benefit, it's not supposed

to be used for gambling. It's supposed to be spent on things we need.

We need eggs. I want eggs. You don't always win, do you?

Well, I mostly do.

Yeah, they all say that.

Well, fun.

I need a bit of fun.

Stuck in a wheelchair.

It's the only bit of fun I get.

Yeah, I like to know how much of that welfare finishes up in the betting

You would.

Yeah, well, somebody has to pay that money in, don't they, before it gets

out. Well, we all know that, Mr Garnett, as it so happens. I am one of them

what's paying it in.

I'm not complaining. Well, I wouldn't expect you to. It was your labour that

started all that, with all them free handouts.

Well, you should think yourself lucky they did.

I mean, they cost a lot of money, them wheelchairs. That's what I'm forever

telling him.

I don't know where we'd be today if it wasn't for the welfare.

It's a blessing, I think. Oh, yeah, it's a blessing, all right.

Blessing for the bloody bookmakers, isn't it? The way some of them spend

welfare now.

All right, we was lucky.

I admit that.

We got a wheelchair out of it. But if she hadn't been struck down and crippled

up the way she is, we could have gone on paying her for years and got nothing

out of it. You call that lucky?

Oh, listen, listen.

You take your Liverpool, right? Now, they're supposed to be so poor up there,

right, with all the unemployed.

But if they're so poor...

How is it I can afford two of the most expensive football teams in England, eh?

How is it I can afford all them star players, eh?

Simple. It's obvious.

It's your welfare.

Your welfare was paying, innit? Your welfare's paying the greatest wages.

how do you make that out? I'll explain it to you. Listen, see.

A lot of them, when they get their welfare, right, they're straight in the

betting shop with it. Leave it out. Leave it out. Never mind leave it out.

it in. You bloody listen. You might learn something.

There's a hell of a lot more of that money going through the turnstiles of

football, innit, eh?

I mean, up there in your Liverpool, they're playing European matches. They

to. All right, used to.

They're still playing cup and league. They're playing three times a week, both

teams. Where's the money coming from? That's what I want to know. Never mind

about the bloody pools, mate. The bloody grounds are packed to the rafters, both

of them, aren't they? We're all out of work up there. Nobody's working. Old

town's on the bleating dole.

Where's the money coming from? Let's go in for the Thursday.

It's your welfare, isn't it? Your Everton and your Liverpool is being...

subsidised out of your DHSS.

So we ain't so bloody lucky, are we?

We might have got a wheelchair out of it, but we could have done with a bit

money for our football.

Mind you, it's right what you said about your Europe.

I mean, it's not fair, is it?

Just because of the ignorance of a handful of Liverpool hooligans, West

dreams of European glory has been dashed.

Not bloody fair years West Ham's been preparing for Europe. Bloody years.

Wasted years now, aren't they? Aye.

And just because of a few rotten lousy scarskits, just in their duty free, and

they won't pay their rates, will they, like the rest of us? Oh, dear me, no.

What are you talking about, spoiling West Ham's chances?

You've got to win something here before you can get into Europe. We can win, we

can win, but there's ways of winning in there.

And we wouldn't stoop so low as some of your clubs do.

That's our trouble.

Oh, blimey.

Don't suppose I'll live long enough to see West Ham win that European Cup? Your

grandchildren won't live long enough. Shut up.

Oh, well, I've got to be off because I've got to settle up with that young

unmarried mother in number 26.

What's all the spring cleaning for you? We're expecting visitors.

We've got another hour of milk coming, haven't we? So we have to get up six o

'clock in the morning and tidy up the place for her.

I'm not going to think we live in a pig's diet.

Fifth one, this is.

Social workers. They want to be social, all right. They want to be too bloody

social. All they want to do is see you drinking tea and jewellery. None of them

wants to do any work, it seems.

Bloody football hooligans.

You're a brand, and that's what you ought to do.

Brand them across the forest.

Brand them for life.

So we can see them, so we can see who they are.

Football hooligans.

Stay, Mrs. G.

you to have done. We've already done it ourselves, haven't we?

It was late. You're supposed to be here at nine o 'clock.

I left home at nine o 'clock.

My day starts when I leave home.

Oh, does it? Well, as far as I am concerned, your day starts when you get

Anyway, don't make some arguments. You're about to start on the bedroom.

I've tardied in here.

I've got some shirts in here, won't wash in it, and a pair of underpants.

I would like to point out to you, Mr Garnet, I am not supposed to do

or clean any rooms used by active relatives.

Solely used?

I've got your book here, missus.

It says solely used.

I don't use that bedroom solely.

She shares my bed with me.

Poor woman. Never mind about poor woman.

Your tiny boat half's in a room. You can clear your own mess and wash your own

underpants. Not just my mess, it's both our mess.

I'll do anything Mrs Garnet wants, but I'll not be your dog's boss. You'll do

your job. That's what you'll do. I've got your book here, missy. Don't you

no stunts on me.

I know my rights. And I know my rights. Right, right. We'll see.

Here we are.

The type of work which your old milk can be expected to do is those tasks which

you cannot perform due to handicap illness or infirmity.

You're not handicapped, are you? No, but my wife is, and the kind of task which

she cannot perform is looking after me, isn't it?

and scrubbing and performing those duties that a wife performs for her

That's your job. That's what the council sent you round here to do, not to sit

around drinking tea.

And for a start off, I ain't had no breakfast yet.

Oh, but you haven't had any breakfast yet, Mrs Garland. No, she hasn't had any

breakfast yet.

Because the city has been too bloody busy cleaning and tidying the place for

you. So she ain't had no time to cook me no breakfast. I told her to leave it

for you. I told you you don't have a dog and bark yourself.

Would you like me to make you some breakfast, Mrs Garland? Yes, please.

out and don't think you're getting away with that two hours, neither, because

I've got that notey down. I'll have that deducted from your bloody wages. You

can't come round here skiving, missus. Oh, blimey. We're not soft in the head,

you know, like some of them you look after.

And another thing, for your information, we know what we've got and what we

ain't got.

What do you mean by that?

We've had home helps before, Mrs, and we've had things go walkies. Are you

insinuating something? I'm not insinuating nothing. I'm just putting

straight. And while we're on the question of security, I'd like to see

identity card, please, to verify that you are a bona fide council employee.

I'm sorry, Mrs Garnett. I can't stay here.

Not with him.

I couldn't bear to be in the same room as him. I don't know how you manage it.

You have my sympathy.

I will not put up with talk like this. I have never been talked to in that

manner before.

And in my work, I've come across some of the lowest and most common of people.

Or so I thought until today.

I'm afraid you'll have to get back to the council.

See if they can find you somebody else.

Somebody not so particular.

Don't spit on my head!

Today, I'm sorry.

You poor woman.

What's it got to do with you?

Mark it where I like, won't I?

My house?

Well, I'm not staying in the same room with that thing.

It's a filthy, dirty habit. Get off.

You'll poison me.

Get off.

Pipe the back, that's all right.

It's healthy enough.

It's dangerous.

Dangerous? You smoke one of these, missus, you'll come to no harm.

It's dangerous to be in the same room with somebody smoking that...

Poisonous stuff. Yeah, it's all dangerous. Even if it was dangerous, I

stop leaving smoking because I am smoking for the health and prosperity of

country.

What?

Let me ask you a question.

Where does the nation derive its biggest income from, eh?

From your tobacco tax, innit?

So if the whole nation stops smoking tomorrow, all that money's down the

eh?

money to sabotage that, wouldn't it?

Ruining the economy of the country.

No, Mrs. What I'm doing is patriotic.

It's patriotic to smoke.

Rubbish. Not rubbish.

Not rubbish at all, my dear.

Do you know how much money was collected last year from your tobacco tax?

Enough to pay for your National Health Service and a bit over as well.

She wouldn't have no wheelchair for one of the people like me smoking, and you

wouldn't have no job neither.

smokers, blind ass smokers.

You ought to get a medal for what we're doing for the country.

And people like you who give up smoking for health reasons and are too

frightened to smoke, you ought to be given a white feather.

Eh? Never mind about eh.

Look, if a war breaks out tomorrow, if you are called to the colours, you can't

refuse to go and fight because it's dangerous, can you?

Same with you. Same with smoking.

Same with tobacco.

Don't give up smoking because it's dangerous.

Neither is for the benefit of the country. No.

I am smoking for England and the Queen.

God bless her.

And I refuse to work in a room filled with foul smoke.

and waving her arms around saying, filthy Abbey, filthy Abbey.

Bloody British Railways train, our own bloody railways, paid for out of our own

bloody taxis with fares. It's a bloody crime. I'm sitting in a smoker, smoking

compartment, where smoking is allowed.

We are supposed to smoke. And a bloody crowd of Asians gets in, bloody packies,

bloody niggas.

Not even born in this country, they're stinking of bloody curry, they are.

And just because I like a pipe, me, an Englishman in his own... country.

he was born in.

Well, they don't wear tax helmets because they want to wear a bloody

I'm sitting in my own bloody railway train. And this is because I like my

Oh, stop waving your hands about.

And I'm like bloody whirling dervishes and opening the windows, they do.

I'll open a window. No, you won't, I may ask. Get up out of here.

I'm fully attacking old people. This is my house. It's gone to hell.

This is me, missus. This is where I live. This is mine.

This... Is this party empire still mine?

This bitch still free?

Here I do.

Ask for a glass of water.

In a minute. In a minute.

Ask for a cup of tea. It's in a minute. In a minute.

Anything I ask you to do, it's in a minute.

You say that once more. In a minute.

And I'll throw something at you. Will you stop nagging?

I'm going for your prescription. I'm going for it.

I said I would and I will.

When?

Stay away.

Stay away till she's done her work and gone.

Life's not fair when somebody who wants to be active, who prefers to be active,

loses the use of their legs.

While others, who wouldn't miss the use of their legs,

who prefer not to use them anyway,

would be quite concerned. Tent to sit about all day doing nothing.

We're allowed to go through life with legs that are weighted on them.

You're moving at last.

You're wicked, you are.

I only hope he can hear you.

My legs could be on the way to being as bad as yours are.

They ain't escaped.

Not yet, they ain't.

This leg started... playing up the same way you started.

Well, perhaps we'll both end up in a wheelchair made for two.

I've seen it on the telly. Get over it. I did, I've seen it on the telly.

Listen, they put your woman's hormones in your bull's ear.

Hormones. Women's hormones. Women's hormones.

Get over it. They put them down his ear.

How? How do they put hormones in his ear?

With a syringe.

Well, any hormones.

Hormones. Women's hormones. Women's hormones.

Well, it makes your bull fatter.

Well, hormones. Yes, hormones.

It blows him up, like, so they get more meat off it, see? Well, hormones.

Hormones, yes.

Women's hormones, yes.

Here's the danger.

If you get a bit of his ear, or a bit what's been close to his

ear... Well, like his head, you mean?

Yes.

It'll turn you into a puffer.

Eat his head, don't eat your bull's head.

You do eat your bull's head. Not his head.

You eat his head when you're eating your mince. Get off, now.

And your hamburgers. Now.

You do. Look, what you're eating when you're eating your mince, your mincemeat

and your hamburgers, is your bull's head.

And it can turn you into a puffer.

What do you mean, the hormones?

Your woman's hormones? No, it's your hormones, your woman's hormones.

Why do you think we've got so many bloody poofs just springing up like

all round the place?

Spreading your AIDS and your herpes.

I can't believe all that cobblers get.

I've seen it on the telly.

Listen,

there should be a warning.

A government warning.

This hamburger could turn you into a poofster.

Not if you're a woman.

Yeah, well, it could have the reverse effect.

What do you mean?

Like a lesbian.

Yeah, that's right.

See, it's the same thing.

Why are there so many lesbians? You see, it's the same as your fellas, only

different.

Where they enjoy it, like, how they

do it...

Well, it's unnatural, isn't it?

I mean, consulting adults is all right up to a point. Why, listen, I mean, yes.

Ah, but you've got to do a lot. I mean, you don't mind a few of the Nancy boys?

Oh, no.

Have a laugh, have a giggle.

Yes, I heard they've got them in the houses of Parliament now. The Nancy

Yeah. You don't want them in the Parliament? You don't want them in the

Parliament, no.

You're lying somewhere, aren't you? You don't want a brown hatter in number 10.

No!

Blimey, you can't say that when you're pisking.

I've got news for you, I am pisking.

I ain't put no... No women's hormones in this, mate.

Well, if they have, I'm following you home, sailor.

is coming home?

I suppose you want your dinner now.

Well, I've got news for you.

We've already had ours.

But you're very lucky.

I've saved you some.

Sit, whiner.

I just cleaned that here.

Then it's all the same, you know, dear.

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