Original subtitles

Look, whoever you're honking for, you got the wrong house.

"Dear Laura, it's me, Shoresy.

I'm speaking to you through this pimple farmer

for two reasons. One, I'm busy doing

what I have to do to get a girl like you.

And two, I wanna show this zit face what it takes

to get a girl like you.

I'm sure you wish it was somebody better looking

reading this, but if you can believe it,

he's the least ugly of the four.

Mason, the guy in the truck, is the most ugly."

- Fuck sakes. - And ugliest of the four,

"four" is spelled "f-o-r."

"You asked me to fuck off for the summer

and figure out if I'm sure about you and about us.

It's been a long summer of reflection and consideration.

But mostly pullin' on it.

More than I want to admit.

Laura, much more of this and I'm gonna pull that thing

right off.

I've also used this time

to finally read "The Five Languages of Love"

and I'll tell ya this, that book is for broads.

The five languages of love are words of affirmation,

quality time, physical touch,

acts of service, and receiving gifts.

224 pages for five things any dumb fuck is doing

for their sweetie, without even thinking about it,

if they're really into them.

That's what I've been doing while you deny my affection.

Puttin' in the work."

"Deny" is spelled "d-e-n-y-e."

What are you doin'?

Timed it almost perfectly, bud.

- Want me to keep reading? - Shut the fuck up, Jack.

- Okay, but I-- - No, just shut the fuck up.

- What are you doing? - What it takes!

What is wrong with you?

I asked you what I had to do to get ya.

And you said... - Run a marathon.

I did? - I fuckin' knew it.

- A whole one? - 42 kilometres, smart ass.

You want a noogie? - You ran a marathon?

Yeah! - You ran a marathon.

- Yeah! - You ran a marathon?

Well, I fuckin' walked a bit,

like up that super steep hill by the water tower.

I'm not fuckin' Terry Fox. - You're crazy.

Yeah, and I had tens cat callin' me

from convertibles the entire time.

You better get your act together.

I don't even remember saying...

Run a marathon.

Well, I remember everything you say.

Do ya? Try me.

- When's my kid's birthday? - April 9.

When's Big Sexy's? - What's my death row meal?

Crinkle cut fries. What's mine?

Box of Timbits. What's my pet peeve?

People who go like this out their car window.

What's mine? - Commercials that make you cry.

- What superpower would I want? - To breathe underwater. Me?

To heal people.

Jack, finish the fuckin' letter.

"Today I ran a marathon.

Even though you probably don't remember telling me to.

I'll run another one tomorrow if you want.

I'll run another one right now.

Tell me what to do and I'll do it,

'cause this is the summer I close on Laura Mohr."

All right, Shoresy, let's have a sleepover.

That's how ya do it!

That's what it takes!

Sometimes you gotta dance for 'em, Jake!

- Jack. - You want the girl?

Blueberry Festival Dance on Saturday, b'ys.

Big Saturday night on deck here, now!

Think they'll serve blueberries?

Wait 'til they see the boys rippin' it up.

Marcia Mercier won't know what hit her.

- Who? - Marissa Mercier.

- Maria. - What?

- Maria Mercier. - Wait 'til Miriam Mercier

sees the boys on the D-floor.

Hey, can I just say, you know, I really appreciate--

- Shut up. What are you doing? - Oh, look at you.

Fuck, everything's goin' so great.

Why you gotta be so fuckin' emotional?

- Sorry. Geez. - If you're gonna be soft,

you're not gonna get a girl like Mariana Mercier.

- Maria. - Marina Mercier's gonna be

looking at the Bulldogs anyway.

Well, that's true. Martina's probably

gonna be looking at Dolo. Let's be honest, here.

Should be ready for that. - Maria.

Don't think ya have to worry about her looking

at Michaels, though. - Oh, thanks, Shoresy.

Also, Hitch doesn't really strike me

as Miranda Mercier's type.

The odds aren't good, but the goods are odd.

Dolo's not as good a dancer as me,

but he's much better looking, so don't be surprised

if he's gettin' the eyes from Margarita Mercier.

We're gonna look like idiots.

That's the point!

You wanna look like an idiot.

Don't you wish these were your Blueberry Buddies, hey?

Bet you'd love to be Blueberry Buddies with them.

- Shut up. - We've come to tell you

in person. - Ohh, what's up, Nat?

Shut the fuck up, Michaels.

Goody, Dolo, Hitch, you're in.

- You're in. - Fer what?

Weird Sudbury.

- Yes, b'y. - Let's get good and weird,

boys. - When is it?

Saturday.

Fuck you, Shoresy.

Fuck you!

- Shut the door. - Let's everybody

just calm down. - She said shut the door.

She said shut the door. - What're you gonna do?

- When? - Now!

- What? - You told the--

Huh? - You told

the Blueberry Buddies you'd go to the dance with them.

- Yeah. - As I understand it,

you've prepared a dance with them?

- Yeah. - I'd call it more

of a spectacle. - It's a car crash.

And now we've learned that the dance is the same night

as Weird Sudbury, whatever that is.

Good and weird.

- Yeah, so. - So, what are you gonna do?

- Go to the dance. - All of you?

No. Yes.

- No. Just me and Michaels. - No one cares about Michaels.

I know. I'd rather go by myself.

The kids don't look up to him

the same way they look up to you guys.

I know! He's almost like... negative one.

What sort of parting message is this for them?

You spent the summer working with them,

building a relationship. You've planned this big dance.

Spectacle. Multi-car pile up.

You say you'll be there for them,

then three of you bail when something better comes along?

They're your guys. You have to be there for your guys.

The hockey world looks out for each other.

Bulldog hockey, baby.

If this is who the Bulldogs are then--

Okay, relax! Ho-ly!

Talk to them.

You're good at this, Shoresy.

You should coach.

All right, so everybody listen up here now.

Accountability. - Not a chance, me son.

- Huh? - We're going to the party, bud.

Guys. Shut the fuck up, Michaels.

You have to?

Are they draggin' you there by the short and curlies?

Huh? - Are they supposed to be curly?

I thought the most thrilled I'd ever be to hear me name

called was at the NHL draft.

First round, no less.

How wrong I was.

The most thrilled I ever was to hear me named called was at--

Weird Sudbury. We get it. What is it anyway?

Good and weird. Well, boys...

Boys'll be boys, boys. Like--

Are you talkin' about the boys or the b'ys?

The boys.

Look Nat said it herself, you're champions.

He means the b'ys proper.

Now I'm all for enjoying everything

that comes along with that.

But she also said...

There is a reasonable amount of time

to celebrate something like this,

and I think that you've surpassed it.

And at this point, yeah, so,

I agree with her.

Summer's pretty much over.

Say we hit our tubing quota.

Oh, tubing's so sick.

And this cup celebration's been pretty sick, too.

Phenomenal. - But like...

- It's selfish now. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Look, hockey players hold each other accountable.

It's what we do. If you're fuckin' up,

you're gonna hear about it. - Let's hear it, b'y.

You bailed on the Jims,

now you wanna bail on the Blueberry Buddies.

Somewhere along the line,

this stopped being about the team.

- It's not hockey, boys. - It's not about the Bulldogs

anymore. It's only about you.

Is this 'cause we went to the party without Michaels?

- No. - Let's just double click--

Shut the fuck up, Michaels. That's not what it's about.

Because if it was anybody else,

we woulda sat it out with you. - It's only Michaels.

- Even Fish. - It's only Michaels?

- Don't worry about it. - Hold on, if it's only

Michaels, then why did you sit it out, Shoresy?

I dunno, I'm still wrestling with that a little bit.

- Let's just zoom in on that-- - Michaels, shut the fuck up!

- Maybe we could do both. - 7pm to 7am, old man.

It's a bad look for the team if you bail.

It's a bad look for the Bulldogs.

It's up to you.

What's more important?

You or the team?

Nice, Shoresy.

You're good at this, Shoresy. You should coach.

But the b'ys ain't missin' Weird Sudbury.

All right, get on the bench.

Take your buckets off.

Anytime now.

All right, first off, little stick tap for Jack

for putting himself out there to get a girl,

and being rewarded with a follow back

on some silly social media site.

All right, it's your last skate with the Bulldogs.

National Champs. - Of senior whale shit hockey.

Let's see your banner in the rafters.

All right, we know you're all off to camp here pretty quick.

They're gonna be all over you with toxic masculinity

and anti-femiminity.

- Anti-femininity. - Boys, let's tell 'em

what's really important. - Make a good first impression

and always leave a lasting one. - Oh, my God.

Hittin' them with the recycled material,

are ya, Goody, b'y? - Yep.

You're real proud of yourself with that one, eh?

- It's a good one. - We know you read it

on the wall at fuckin' IKEA or somethin'.

- No, I didn't. - Saw it on a pillow

at a fuckin' bed and breakfast. No, I didn't.

Hitch. - Boys, when you're on the ice,

there's no room for chit-chattin' with

the other team. Don't be smilin' at each other off the draws,

and all that. Say hello after the game if you wants,

but it's all business on the ice.

Your loyalty is to your team. - Jo-Dolo.

- Michaels. - Look out for each other

in the wild, boys. Check in.

Make sure the boys are doing okay. Have a FaceTime,

if you can. You never know when someone needs it.

And for fuck's sake, protect yourselves out there.

As a hockey player, you've got your stick and your elbow.

Your opponent has their neck and their nuts.

If they come anywhere near ya,

they get your stick and your elbow in their neck

or their nuts. Yeah, I know what you're thinkin'.

I've never been elbowed in the nuts before.

Neither had the no less than 500 dudes I've done it to.

Let's fuckin' go.

I think we'll all have a Jim or two on our team.

- Three, if we're lucky. - Oh, did you guys

square up with Jim? - Yes, b'y?

- And Jim? - The Jims are unbelievable.

All right, you're all off to camp real quick here now.

When you get there, what are you gonna be?

- The best player on the ice. - You?

- Yeah. - No, you won't be,

you can't skate. - I can skate.

Yeah, like you got 'em on the wrong fuckin' feet.

- No, I don't. - You know what,

you're supposed to stay low to the ground when you skate,

eh? You fuckin' bob up and down like a figure skater.

Skate good enough to get drafted to the O.

- Fuckin' skates like a bird. - What?

Yeah, you skate like one of those birds that fuckin'

bobs when they walk. That's fuckin' walkin' around

like, peckin' shit. What are those called? Emus?

I don't know. I don't know what the fuck

you're talking about. - Alpacas?

- Alpacas are more like camels. - Well, I know

they're fuckin' mammals, idiot. - I said camels.

All right, raise your hand

if you think Carter's an ugly skater?

Fuck you, Shoresy.

Now let's point to the guy that's a fuckin' liar.

- What was the question? - All right, you're all

going off to camp here. When you get there,

what are you going to be?

The highest scoring defenceman.

- Come on. - What?

You? Yeah.

Well, you better hope there isn't an egg

between you and the net. - Why would there be--

He means your shot couldn't break an egg.

Better hope there isn't a house of cards in the way

or the puck's not gettin' through.

- Fuck you, Shoresy. - Better hope there isn't

a little popsicle stick fence

held together by fuckin' paste.

Shut up.

You can't skate. You can't shoot. You're ugly.

And he's so fuckin' awkward. Oh, my God.

But you're lucky, 'cause none of that really matters.

What matters is effort. Work ethic.

So, when you get to camp, what are you going to be?

The hardest worker out there.

That's right, the hardest worker out there. Say it again.

The hardest worker out there.

That's right. Say it again.

The hardest worker out there.

Hell yeah, fuck yeah.

Hell yeah, fuck yeah.

That's what matters.

That's what gets you remembered. You understand?

You think anyone's gonna be thinking about Jack's

big forehead when they see a guy

who will play an entire period if you need him to?

You think anyone's gonna be thinking about Mason's back zits

when they see a guy who's willing to push through

the pain? And hey!

Don't forget where you come from.

You're from the North. You're from Sudbury.

We ain't pretty, and we get dirty.

Make fuckin' sure when they see your number out there,

they see your hometown in the program and they say,

"Bingo. Of course."

You're from the home of the smokestacks.

You're from the home of the mines.

And you're from the home of the Sudbury

Blueberry Bulldogs, bitch.

Represent! Are you ready?

Yeah. - Don't sound like it, b'ys.

Yeah! - Ready to do what it takes?

Yeah! - To be unforgettable?

Yeah! - Yeah?

Yeah! - Get dirty.

Get ugly. Get the job done!

- Here we go. - You're good at this, Shoresy.

You should coach.

Yeah, what are you gonna do, man?

When you don't know where to go...

Go where you're needed.

Go where you're needed.

Right here. Let's go.

Knock, slut. What if I was--

You never do anything but hockey. It's fine. Shut up.

- Then leave me alone about it. - I'm putting it here.

- Putting what here? - My love.

Why is this so awkward?

You told me to find a place to put my love.

- Yeah. - And so, I'm putting it here.

With the Bulldogs. - Shoresy, I told you,

you're too hurt to play. I-- - To coach!

I think?

Honestly, this is going so bad,

I don't even know anymore.

Came in here with real momentum

and you just kinda squashed it.

It's supposed to be a great moment

and you ruined it. So dumb.

Wait.

Are you sure? - Yeah.

- You're sure? - Yes.

- We're doing this? - Look, I know you're a woman

and everything, but I'm not gonna be

constantly reassuring you. - Shut up!

If you're in, prove it.

I'm Jory Jordan with the Sudbury Kids Sport Report

and we are back with breaking news.

After failing on TV, like everyone knew he would,

number 69 Shore crawls back to the armpit of Ontario

to try the only thing left when you can't do, teach.

Shoresy, with nowhere to go but down, I guess I'm wondering,

what's up?

Was it love of the game that brought you back

or the fact that you have nothing else going for you

personally or professionally?

With the Bulldogs' recent success, many say a coaching

shake-up's as welcome as hemorrhoids at a pool party.

Your thoughts?

Shifting gears, here, as far as vices go,

what most drew you to chewing tobacco,

the sucking or the spitting?

Many have questioned Nat's decision to hand the team

over to a man with the emotional intelligence of a poopy baby,

and the common sense of a modern liberal.

I'm curious, are you sleeping with her? And if so,

what's that like?

I'm quite serious as it's the only

logical explanation here. Is the sex ten outta ten

as most would assume, or does it eclipse total perfection

like I've been speculating on, for years,

both publicly and privately?

Do you take a full Cialis for something like that,

or can you get by with just a half?

Would you say it was more awkward or disappointing

when she screamed out my name instead of yours?

Some final thoughts here, Shoresy. You've always been

dumb and ugly. At your age, it won't be long until

you're dumb, ugly, and fat. Care to comment?

With sea levels constantly rising,

is it comforting to watch your hairline

constantly receding? Last one here, Shoresy,

and we'll get you on your way. As a man lacking any sort

of real relationship in his life, most would assume

it's because you're stupid. I think it's because

you're boring. Who's right here?

Hey, go Bulldogs!

Where are we goin' drinkin' with the cup tonight, boys? Woo!

So, how does it feel?

Like the itch has been scratched.

It ain't the Bulldogs without you, man.

Can you imagine us playing this season without you being there?

- I'da been there. - In what capacity?

Just pop-in shower with the boys.

When I said find a place to put your love,

I didn't mean literally. - Just have a couple

giggles and go. - Don't fight me so much

next time.

Thanks for helping me get there.

Big night. Blueberry Festival Dance.

Don't worry, we'll behave for ya.

You know, I realized something.

I have been down your throats

all summer about this team's reputation.

- Down our throats? - I know.

- Huh? - I know!

You've been straight up our dumpers.

I thought you were acting like idiots.

Hurting our reputation.

Drinking from the Cup all over Greater Sudbury.

I'm sad I missed the Splash N Go.

♪ Hey, hey, hey, Bulldogs ♪

The Beef 'N Bird must've been a highlight.

Porketta Bingo woulda been my first stop.

Looked like good times at Sudbury Kartways.

And right in the middle of Bridge of Nations.

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

And you were acting like idiots.

But you were doing what you should be doing.

Sharing it with the community.

That's my Bulldogs.

That's my guys.

I hope they have fun tonight.

So Shoresy, you're gonna coach, eh?

Think you'll be as bad as a coach as you are a ref?

- Time will tell, Cor. - How you gonna motivate 'em?

- Communication is the key. - Oh yeah?

Yeah, it's how I got your mom to start grooming her front bum.

- Fuck you, Shoresy. - Need to get her bathing

routinely. We'll be cookin' with peanut oil.

Oh, my God, Cory, I just love how your mom keeps me guessing.

I never know if it's coke on her nose or donut powder.

- Fuck you, Shoresy. - Hey Cor, just a heads up,

if your mom's pissy, it's 'cause I'm withholding sex

'til she apologizes for ashing her dart in my Gatorade.

Tell your mom to leave me out of her relationship drama,

Liam, it's none of my business your dad's gay

as three dudes on a Sea-Doo.

Fuckin' wish she was more like your mom, Cor.

She makes me feel young again when I'm shoes on,

rabbit fuckin' her in an unfinished basement.

Your mom says I nag too much. I just want her to brush

her teeth before bed. Like, is that too much to ask?

Fuck you, Liam, every time your mom's dog smells my crotch

I'm like, "Oh, you must smell Cory's mom."

- Fuck you, Shoresy. - Your mom's no better, Cor.

Her underwear is so poopy,

she could grow mushrooms in there.

- Fuck you, Shoresy. - Fuck you, Cory.

I know your mom has separation anxiety,

but she's gotta stop FaceTiming me from the toilet.

- Fuck you, Shoresy. - Fuck you, Liam.

Your mom sent me video of her ripping a three-octave fart.

I laughed so hard I almost fell outta Cory's mom's bed.

Fuck you!

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