Original subtitles

Let's everybody listen up here, now!

Order in the court!

Order in the kangaroo court!

Court is now in session.

Why are you standing so close to me?

- Huh? - It's just you're makin' me

fuckin' uncomfortable. - I'm your bailer.

- Bailiff? - I'm your bailiff.

Okay, okay, well, just,

you... feel like you're gonna-- - Actually, wait.

At this juncture,

Jim, Jim, and Jim are now clients of old.

Right? Effective immediately,

I'll be representing Goody, Dolo, and Hitch.

B'y ya don't got to.

Oh no, I want to. Oh no, I insist.

Prosecution may proceed.

Away you go, Shoresy.

People are saying the Jims banged broads

my clients sometimes bang? Huh?

Is this true, Jim? - Yeah.

- Jim? - Yes.

- Jim? - We just kissed.

- Why? - Okay, we did a bit more

than that, but we didn't go all the way.

- Kissing's unbelievable. - You were ordered

by the kangaroo court to go apologize

to Pam, Britt, and Mel about making up a story

about Dolo, Hitch, and Goody and the hockey moms.

Now, are we to understand that that apology

went extremely well?

Like, so well that it led to sexual intercourse?

Or just trottin' to second or third like Jim did,

for some reason. - Jim?

Yeah. Jim?

- Yes. - Jim?

Withstanding from sex is not only a sign of respect

for your partner, but a sign of respect for yourself.

That's what I wanna know.

With seven million people on this planet.

- Seven billion. - Shut the fuck up, Michaels!

You being handsome, athletic, Indigenous Canadians,

certainly you coulda found some other broads out there

that my clients don't sometimes bang.

Where are you going with this, Shoresy?

I'm just saying, maybe it's one of those nights,

you just go home and hammer on it.

So, what went wrong, Jim?

The broads didn't believe us that the boys

didn't bang the hockey moms.

- Jim? - And we understood that maybe

they wanted to get with us to get back at the boys.

Jim.

Yes, there are billions of people on the planet,

many of them hot broads, but it's rare to be invited

to bed by broads as hot as Pam, Melodie, and/or Britt.

No, that's true.

Pretty fuckin' hot. Bit young but...

Jim, what'd you do if you didn't go all the way, b'y?

- Do you really wanna know? - Oh, my God.

At one point, I looked at my phone and realized

I'd been talking for hours.

About nothing and everything all at the same time.

We talked about our journeys, and we cried,

and then we laughed 'til we cried.

I finally went to leave as the sun was coming up

and we stood in the doorway talking for another hour.

She told me she was an Aries. And I was like,

"No way, that's crazy." That's when it all made sense.

She's an Aries, I'm a Leo.

Hmm. Okay.

Cool.

What do you wanna do here, Michaels?

Well, I'm hesitant to hand down any additional

sentence because the ball was clearly in their court.

- Who, the broads? - The girls. Yes.

But I don't condone the Jims on taking them up on it, either.

I mean, if I can make a statement

regarding everyone present here,

we're about to start playing together soon.

I mean, except for-- - Shut the fuck up, Michaels.

- I'm sorry. - Just shut the fuck up.

I am sorry.

We're gonna be teammates,

so we gotta start acting like a fuckin' team.

Because I can safely conclude

that we are all worse versions of ourselves

when we're not playing hockey.

♪ If I die at 23 ♪

♪ Won't you bury me ♪

♪ In the sunshine? ♪

♪ Please let me know That you're still mine ♪

♪ Though I'm gone ♪

♪ My love for you Is oh, so strong ♪

♪ And when the grass grows over me ♪

♪ Let me know ♪

♪ You still love me ♪

♪ Never put nobody else Above me ♪

♪ Then I'll know ♪

♪ My love for you Will always grow ♪

I think it's about time we reset

the tone in here, fellas.

I think maybe it's about time we reset it!

♪ You know I said it's true ♪

♪ I can feel the love Can you feel it too ♪

♪ I can feel it ah-ah ♪

♪ I can feel it ah-ah ♪

♪ You know I said it's true ♪

♪ I can feel the love Can you feel it too ♪

♪ I can feel it ah-ah ♪

♪ I can feel it ah, ah, ah-ah, yeah ♪

♪ You know I said it's true ♪

♪ I can feel the love Can you feel it too ♪

♪ I can feel it ah-ah ♪

♪ I can feel it ah-ah ♪

♪ You know I said it's true ♪

♪ I can feel the love Can you feel it too ♪

♪ I can feel it ah-ah ♪

♪ You know I said it's true ♪

♪ You know I said ♪

♪ You know I said it's true ♪

♪ You know I said ♪

♪ You know I said it's true ♪

♪ I can feel the love Can you feel it too ♪

♪ I can feel it ah-ah ♪

♪ I can feel it ah-ah ♪

♪ You know I said it's true ♪

♪ I can feel the love Can you feel it too ♪

♪ I can feel it ah-ah ♪

♪ You know, you know, you know ♪

♪ You know, you know, you know ♪

♪ I gotta tell you, yeah ♪

♪ I gotta tell you ♪

♪ Tell you ♪

♪ I gotta tell you ♪

♪ Tell you ♪

♪ I gotta tell you ♪

♪ Tell you ♪

♪ Tell you ♪

♪ You know I said it's true ♪

♪ I can feel the love Can you feel it too ♪

♪ I can feel it ah-ah ♪

♪ You know I said it's true ♪

♪ I can feel the love Can you feel it too ♪

♪ I can feel it ah-ah ♪

♪ I can feel it ah-ah ♪

♪ You know I said it's true ♪

♪ I can feel the love Can you feel it too ♪

♪ I can feel it ah-ah ♪

♪ You know I said it's true ♪

♪ I can feel the love Can you feel it too ♪

♪ I can feel it ah-ah ♪

♪ I can feel it ah-ah ♪

♪ I can feel it, I can feel it ♪

♪ I can feel it Can you feel it too ♪

♪ Ah-ah ♪

♪ Too, too ♪

♪ Ah-ah ♪

- So, it won't be TV then. - Nope.

Well, I guess you got no choice

but to coach the Bulldogs. - I'm not built to coach.

- You haven't tried it. - I'd feel helpless back there.

You should try everything once.

Like I'd wanna jump out of my skin.

- Don't be a fuckin' baby. - I'd just wanna get out there

and kill somebody. - Right.

I already just wanna get out there and kill somebody.

- Just coach. - I listen to you when you talk.

What are you gonna do, then?

I dunno.

Well, "I dunno."

I could just hear my mom saying, "Get to doing something..."

"Or you're just a bum."

Little while after my mom died, I got a shrink.

- You got a psychiatrist? - A psychologist.

- What's the difference? - Well, a psychiatrist

can prescribe drugs, and a psychologist can't.

So, a psychologist is a shrink?

- They're both shrinks. - What's a counsellor?

And why did you say it like that?

- Like what? Huh? - Like...

Like, you got a shrink?

I dunno, just...

always saw you as like the tallest tree in the forest.

- What? - Like the biggest

building in the city.

Is this supposed to be a compliment?

Solid.

I gave my mom a lotta love.

The shrink said, "Now that she's gone,

you need to find a place to put your love."

That was you guys.

Our Bulldogs.

You love playing hockey, but now that that's gone,

you need to find a place to put your love.

Find a place to put your love.

Look at you. - Look at me.

You look like you've been in there missing me.

- I was callin' the cops. - Oh yeah? Should I have texted

first so that you could respond somewhere between

half a day and a full day and a half later?

I like that you drop by. It's old-fashioned and fun.

You think that's fun, wait 'til I take my shorts off.

- 'kay, do it. - You want me to?

Huh? - I know you would.

I'd take my eyebrows off

for a high-five from you right about now.

Let's go inside and build a fort.

- My kid's in there. - Three of us could

build a huge fort. - Mm-hmm?

- What do I gotta do? - Run a marathon.

Frustrated?

Comin' to the end of your rope?

Maybe you're not sure about this after all.

- I'm sure. - Yeah?

- I'm sure. - Okay.

- Okay. - Okay.

Okay. - Okay.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Okay. - Okay.

Okay.

Quit yellin', asshole!

Shut up, ya fuckin' crackhead.

Let's hear more about

this prospects party.

I don't wanna be insensitive to the b'ys

who couldn't make it, so I'll say dis.

It was the most fun I ever had in me life.

- Fuck you! - In me life, b'ys.

- Party was unbelievable. - Got it.

Yeah, looks like the boys are ready for camp,

to me. - B'ys looks real fast.

- Good skaters. - Caleb's strong.

He's kickin' everything out.

Oh yeah, it's the stick, Mase. It's the stick!

Yeah, flex it again. Make sure it's not broken.

Then for sure you won't whiff on the puck again.

Hey!

Tendy. You're the coach?

Don't talk-- Huh?

Don't talk to my fuckin' guys.

So, you're the one they're always

complaining about, huh?

- Such an idiot. - What a loser.

You had enough underachieving for the Bulldogs.

Thought you'd try underachieving here instead, eh?

I'm warning you. Whoa, whoa!

That's a warning! Be careful.

Three strikes, you're out!

Well, it's great they got a guy like you to show 'em the way.

- Fuck you, Shoresy. - No, I mean it.

You were smart enough to quit the Bulldogs

before you became the worst goalie in the history

of the NOSHO. - Oh yeah.

Like statistically, the worst goalie of all time.

- Really? - Yeah, but don't worry.

I don't see anyone else comin' along that's gonna be

as bad as you, so there's that.

Teachin' the b'ys anything or just skatin' 'em, Tendy?

What are you teachin' them? To give their balls a tug?

Is that allowed? Can you do that?

What about the undergarment? They take it off,

they keep it on, or what? - They should put you guys

in charge of what to wear with those shirts.

Oh yeah? You wanna try it on?

Little message from everyone in Sudbury,

just when it couldn't get any gayer

than the Blueberry Bulldogs, you guys come

from the fuckin' top rope with Blueberry Buddies.

- You like that, eh? - Which is impossibly gayer.

- We'll get you a shirt. - Impossibly gayer.

What do we do with the guys today?

Well, what do they wanna do? Anything but hockey.

There's lots of things you can do other than hockey, b'ys.

A week left before we're all off to our own

respective camps. I'd venture to guess

that we won't all be together again until Christmas.

- That's four months. - Nice, Michaels.

Good, quick math. Why don't you run to the bathroom

and count the pubic hairs on the edge of the urinal?

- Hang with the boys. - Chase girls.

- Love tubing. - I'd love to continue

developing my tubing skillset, yes.

Yeah, tubing's so sick.

The Blueberry Fest Dance is kinda the last shake

for the boys, so we wanna make it count.

You might even have a second beer?

How are you gonna make it count?

Jackie's gonna close on Maria Mercier.

- Tell 'em Jackie. - Shut up.

- Jackie's gonna wheel. - Shut up.

- Ever heard of Maria Mercier? - No, we've never heard

of whatever 17-year-old Ariana Grande fan

he's sweet on, Caleb. - I'm Carter.

I've heard of Maria Mercier.

Are we gonna have to have a private conversation?

She hangs out at our parties, old man.

- She's a rocket. - She's 23.

She's a fuckin' rocket.

She's the beer girl at our rink.

- Which one? - That one.

No. Yeah, that one.

Come on!

That one.

You'd have a better chance

at getting Ariana Grande herself.

- I know. - With that big forehead.

Yeah, he's got a big forehead, eh?

Look at the big forehead on him, look.

Look, if you can't win, don't play.

Well, Shoresy, you got Laura Mohr.

- Don't her ex play in the show? - Calgary.

First-rounder.

That ain't necessarily a big deal.

I follow her on Instagram.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah, Jackie's on there

every five, ten minutes looking at her bum-bum.

I know I can't get her. Way outta my league.

I just think she's super hot.

- You can get her. - What?

- You can get her. - No, I can't.

Look, don't worry about your weird nose and big forehead.

- Got a big nose on him, look. - His teeth are too white.

You can get her.

What, you want the girl?

- Yeah. - Well, you don't sound very

sure of yourself. Maybe looking at her TikToks

makes you happy enough. - Hundred percent.

- No, I do. - So, you want the girl?

Yeah. - Then ya gotta go out

and get her, big boy. - How?

Do you know how much ass your Blueberry Buddies get?

- Tons. - Tons of ass.

I know, sometimes I can't believe how much ass

the boys get. - A more than respectable

amount by any metric. - So, with the help

of your Blueberry Buddies,

you're gonna close on Marlena Mercier.

- It's actually-- - But don't expect any help

from Michaels on that. - Come on, really?

Unless you're looking for some tips on being at home

eating solo paninis and pullin' on it.

Fuck you, Shoresy. - Hey, how about the balls

on Arby's with those curly fries?

How 'bout the balls on them?

Hey!

You can get her. - Even with that big forehead.

You better paint it bright so a bird don't fly into it.

- We leave in a week. - Well, we better get to work.

Here we go now.

What does she like?

- I don't-- - Huh?

I don't know.

She likes bikinis, boys.

- Yep. - We know 100 percent

she likes those. - Bunch of photos on her

Instagram. Ever seen it? - Too busy on your mom's IG.

- What are her hobbies? - Dancing.

Yeah, at all those clubs you're not old enough

to get into, eh, Jackie? - Not just at clubs,

at like, music festivals and stuff.

Okay, so she likes to play some tunes. Yes, sir!

Like techno and shit?

No, like country and classic rock.

Can see if they'll put on some oldies for ya, Hitch.

Sounds like a real northern girl then.

- She is. - Eh, Northern Ontario

where the men are men, and so are the women.

Good observation, Jack. She's almost always playing

country on those dudes' boats she likes to bomb around on.

- In very little. - If only you had a boat, eh?

She'd be a done deal. - She'd be wrapped up.

You'd be boatin' to your wedding.

So, she likes music and she likes dancing.

- Do you dance? - No.

- Well, ya better fuckin' learn. - How?

- Put your head down. - You put one foot

in front of the other and figure it out.

- I can't! - Sure you can.

You do the five finger shuffle to her every night.

- Do you want the girl? - Yeah, but--

Huh? Well, how else are you gonna fuckin' impress her?

She's five years older and ten times hotter.

- Rocket. - Bit young, but...

You got that big forehead on ya too, b'y.

The man makes a good point, Jackson.

- About the forehead? - No!

- What's your hair like? - Fuckin' all gone real soon,

I'll tell ya that much. - I'm not gonna dance.

Okay. You wanna wheel her,

you know she likes dancing,

but you don't wanna dance for her?

- Would you? - I'd be fuckin'

dancin' for her right now. Like this. Eh?

She'd be forgettin' about you real fuckin' quick.

Fuckin' Jake who? - Jack.

Come on, you dance with Rosie Palmer to her every night.

- Shut up. - You lock the door

and play a little shower frisbee.

- I'm not gonna dance. - Then you don't want her.

- Yeah, I do! - No, you don't.

Yes, he does. - You know what I'd do

for my girl? - What?

Huh? I hate spiders.

Terrified of 'em. Turn me into a little girl.

I'd give a tarantula a Thai rub-down

just to take out her trash.

I'd lick a bum's big toe just to clean her bathroom.

I'd eat dirt just to put her duvet cover back on.

I'd learn to like cats just to organize her clutter.

I'd bite into a beehive just to hose out her bins.

I'd snort woodchips just to do a load of her whites.

I'd suck a tiger shark's tit

to untangle the cords behind her TV.

But you won't do a little dance to impress her?

Ya gotta make the girl smile, b'y.

I'm gonna teach ya a little lesson here, boys.

If you wanna win,

you gotta be willing to do whatever it takes.

All right? Whatever it takes.

I mean, Shoresy takes his girl downtown every week

and sings her karaoke songs.

What it takes, you fuckin' idiot.

Looks like an idiot in front of everyone.

- She likes it. - I wakes up two days later

still laughin' at how bad he is.

It's not how many you win, it's how many you show up for.

See, and he does music.

He's the only one of you who does fuckin' music.

Ya gotta be willin' to put it all on de line, me son.

She posted she's going to karaoke

at Little Montreal tomorrow night.

Why are you on her page, Caleb?

The aforementioned bum-bum, Mason.

- You're gonna sing. - No way!

Ya said she likes tunes, right?

You don't wanna dance, you're gonna sing.

- I can't! - If Shoresy can do it,

you can do it. - I'll look like an idiot!

That's the point! You wanna look like an idiot.

It's not as if she thinks you're fuckin' Brian McKnight.

Brian McKnight?

What, I'm just saying, it's not as if she thinks

he's fuckin' Ginuwine. - Pfft, you're hilarious, bro.

All I'm sayin' is it's fuckin' not as if

she thinks he's singin' in fuckin' Sisqo.

This is how you distract her from your face.

Yeah, otherwise she's just gonna be lookin'

at your ugly face. - Look at the face on him, look.

Not as bad as Caleb's big head.

You mean Carter's.

- They've both got big heads. - Guys...

Don't let Mason off the hook.

That's a big head too, b'y.

We're the fuckin' Blueberry Buddies

and the Big Head Boys.

Hey, you guys know these pizza boxes

may not be recycled, right?

Why are you guys just standin' here?

Huh?

They're sittin' where we usually sit.

Oh yeah, I guess they're sittin' where we usually sit.

All right, sit on the floor.

Now you guys can sit where we usually sit.

All right, since we're on the topic of playin' tunes,

I'll refer to Hitch. - Defer.

- Hmm? - Defer.

- What? - You said refer.

- Yeah. - Ya means defer.

- No, I don't. - Yeah, you do.

So, I said refer, but I mean defer?

It's a good thing I'm pretty, boys.

Now Jack, as we already established,

no one expects ya to get up there and be Bell Biv Devoe.

Best you can hope for is to go make a fool

outta yourself like Shoresy. - Depends who ya ask.

- You look dumb, bro. - Depends who ya ask.

Look, and he does music.

Listen to the guy who does music.

Ya gotta act the fool, me son.

Why would I wanna make a fool of myself?

'Cause that's how you get 'em right in the twat.

- Pardon? - The whole point

of the exercise is to show the girl

you're willin' to take a risk for her.

- Be brave. - Stick your neck out.

- Give your balls a tug. - Ya wants to show her

you're willin' to put yourself in a vulnerable

position for her. - What it do.

Whatever it takes to make the girl smile.

- What it does. - And for that level

of vulnerability, ya must pick a song

that's incredibly hard to sing. - Yes.

- What? - There ya go, Jackie.

Somethin' with a bunch o' high notes and all that.

- Come on. - Show her you're ready

to put yourself on the line for her, me son.

- Really? - That's how you get 'em

right in the twat. - And for dat,

I wants to introduce the b'ys to a 1982 classic.

Hitch, you're old as dirt, eh?

From their self-titled debut album, "Sheriff."

Dis is, "When I'm Wit' You."

- I love this song. - Jack, fuckin' seriously,

pay attention. This is a really good one.

Just listen to de lyrics, b'ys.

Pay attention.

I never needed love like I need you.

Pay attention, Jack.

And I never lived for nobody,

like I live for you.

Yeah, yeah! Mm-hmm.

♪ Ooh babe ♪

Yeah! Yeah! - ♪ Lost in love ♪

♪ Is what I feel ♪

Wow!

♪ When I'm with you ♪

- ♪ Baby ♪ - Hey, Shoresy, wait,

there's another verse. - Fuck. Fuck.

Maybe it's the way ya touches me,

like the warmth of the sun.

Pay attention. - Maybe it's the way ya smiles.

To come undone.

- ♪ Ooh babe, lost in love ♪ - Yes, yes!

Yes!

♪ Is what I feel ♪ Yeah!

♪ When I'm with you ♪

As a team.

Dun-dun!

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, I get chills when I'm with you ♪

♪ Oh, oh, whoa, oh ♪

♪ Oh, baby, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ My world stands still when I'm with you ♪

Wow! - When I'm wit' you.

Woo!

That's what it takes. Right fuckin' there.

Okay, Jackie boy.

The stage has been set.

I heard she likes country music and old classic rock.

Which song are you gonna select?

Uh...

Later.

Where's your hand signal?

Shut up! Signal your intent!

Shoresy!

Got a minute?

I'm gonna give myself a big pat on the back for all of this.

Fer what?

He's got energy when he goes to see you guys.

He's excited.

He's got a weird laugh, eh?

He's never excited to go to Lakers practice.

Well, they don't look like fun.

Especially in the middle of summer.

- He hates his other coach. - He's a fuckin' loser.

He thinks you're cool. They all do.

They'll do well out there.

Thank you for doing this.

- See ya. - Go straight there.

No stopping at Carter's. - Okay.

I'm gonna call and check. I know.

You pack your Clearasil? Shut up!

Fuckin' Neutrogena guy then, eh?

Where's he goin'?

To his dad's.

So, how do you like it?

What?

Being a Blueberry Buddy.

It's not so bad after all. - I don't hate it.

I heard some chatter around town

that your teammates really like it.

- Oh yeah? - Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

I mean they... really like it.

Yep.

There's some perks to the job.

That ever cross your mind?

What?

I don't want my neighbours to see you come into the house,

so go around back. I'll open the gate.

by Araya, Huna, ft. Raprave)

- I got somethin' to say to you. - Looks like it.

I'm gonna tell ya somethin' right now.

- Let me have it. - You're brutal.

- What? - You're fuckin' brutal.

Not just brutal, but fuckin' brutal?

- You got a cute guy like me. - Who's cute?

- Me! - You'd be a lot cuter

if you were makin' me a sandwich.

- I'm basically a celebrity. - And you're washed up

in both hockey and broadcasting. Go on.

I'm here all the time telling you

that it all stops at you.

And you're always like, "No!"

"I need to be sure that you're sure!"

This is all recording on my doorbell cam.

So, I'm here to tell ya that if this is how it's gonna be...

- It is. - This is what I have to do,

fuckin' hands off 'til I somehow prove it to ya.

- You do. - Then I'm gonna do

the hell out of it. - Good.

- I'm gonna do it like crazy. - Okay.

- Okay. - Okay.

Okay.

Okay! - Okay!

- Okay! - Okay.

- Okay! - Okay.

Okay!

Quit yellin', asshole!

Shut up, ya fuckin' junkie!

- They're in! - Who?

The boys? Where?

Weird Sudbury!

Done deal.

I'd love if the boys were here.

Well, the Bulldogs only have pull to get one minor

into the bar, not four.

Settle down. Oh, my God.

Settle down.

Next up, we've got Jack.

Jack to the stage, please.

This is gonna be really good.

Hey, Jack, you wanna dedicate the song to anybody or...?

No, you sure? - Yep.

Wanna dedicate the song to anybody here?

- I think she'll figure it out. - All right! It's up to you.

♪ My Maria ♪ Oh yeah!

How 'bout the balls on him?

♪ Don't you know that I've come a long, long way ♪

Yes, sir! Here he goes.

♪ I've been longin' to see her ♪

♪ When she's around she takes my blues away ♪

Yes, yes!

♪ Sweet Maria ♪

♪ The sunlight surely hurts my eyes ♪

♪ I'm a lonely dreamer ♪

♪ On a highway in the skies ♪ Oh yeah, hell yeah.

Here it comes. Here it comes.

♪ Maria ♪

♪ Maria ♪

♪ I love you ♪

Nailed it. Nailed it.

Yeah!

Wow.

♪ My Maria ♪

Here he goes. - ♪ There were some blue ♪

♪ And sorrow times ♪

♪ Just my thoughts about you ♪

♪ Bring back my peace of mind ♪

Woo! - Okay, b'ys,

he done it. Let's go!

♪ Gypsy lady ♪

Game time, boys.

♪ You're a miracle work for me ♪

Look at this guy! How good is he?

♪ You set my soul free ♪

♪ Like a ship sailing on the sea ♪

- Yeah, buddy. - Here it comes.

Here's the whole team.

♪ She is the sunlight when her... ♪

♪ Skies are grey ♪

♪ She treats me so right, lady ♪

♪ Take me away ♪

Here it comes. Here it comes.

♪ My Maria ♪

♪ Maria ♪

♪ I love you ♪

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