Original subtitles

All right, the Sudbury AAA Lakers

graduating players video yearbook.

We'll go down the line, say your name,

and where you're going off to play,

and what you like about being a Sudbury Laker.

Mason. - Check.

Sorry, what was it again?

Your name, where you're going to play,

and your favourite thing about being a Laker.

Um, my name's Mason, um, I'm gonna be playing for London.

Um, my favourite thing about being a Laker

is being with the boys.

Try it without saying, "um."

My name's Mason. I'm gonna be playing for London.

And my favourite thing about being a Laker

is being with the boys. Nailed it.

Jack?

My name's Jack, I'm gonna play for Barrie,

and I like being a Laker

because they taught me the skills

to get to the next level.

Carter. - My name's Carter.

I'm gonna go play for Windsor. Do we say our age?

Sure.

I'm Carter, I'm 18.

Actually, don't say your age.

It sounds like a dating profile.

I'm Carter, I'm gonna play for Windsor.

I'm 18. Shit.

Okay, start again. Don't swear, please.

My name's Carter, I'm gonna go play for the Lakers.

Are ya?

Okay, take a break, Carter. We'll go to Caleb.

I'm Caleb. I'm going to play for Ottawa.

My favourite thing about being a Laker was the brotherhood

and the opportunity to come to the rink

and improve on my game and on myself.

Good, Caleb.

Caleb, you got any tips for Carter?

Shut up. - So bad.

Let's try to get them all in a row now, okay? Go.

Um, my name's Mason. No um's.

Fuck! No swearing.

Strong start, Mase.

Worse than Carts, boys.

You're awful, Mase. - Bro, you're so bad.

You were the worst. Focus!

So bad. Let's go!

My name's Mason, I'm gonna play for London.

And my favourite thing is being, about being a Laker,

is being with the boys.

My name's Jack, I'm gonna play for Barrie.

And learning skills. Okay.

Is my favorite thing about being a Laker.

My name's Carter. I'm 18.

I'm gonna play for the Lakers.

You're gonna play for Windsor.

You already played-- Practice makes perfect.

Okay, Caleb. And then we'll go back down the line.

I'm Caleb. I'm going to play for the city of Ottawa.

My favourite thing about being a Laker

was the brotherhood and the opportunity

to come to the rink and improve on my game and on myself.

Legend. Carter, let's see

if we can get a clean one. He's got the yips.

Give it a try. - My name's Carter. I'm 18.

You don't have to say your age, bud!

All right, we can do this. Let's get a good one. Go!

Um, my name is, my name's Mason.

I'm 18. Fuck, I'm saying my age now.

Don't swear. Start again.

My name's Mason. I'm gonna play for London.

Um, my favourite thing about being a Laker

is being with the boys.

My name's Jack. I'm gonna play for Barrie.

And my favourite thing about being a Laker

was everything... I got taught.

My name's Carter. I'm 18.

I'm gonna play for Windsor. Love being a Laker.

Dinger! - I'm Caleb. I'm going to play

for the great city of Ottawa. My favourite thing

about being a Sudbury Laker was the brotherhood

and the opportunity to come to the rink and improve

on my game and on myself. Go, Lakers.

All right. Almost perfect. Last time.

Let's go. Perfect this time.

My name's Mason. I'm gonna play for London.

My favourite thing about being a Laker is being with the boys.

Woo! - My name's Jack.

I'm gonna play for Barrie. And the Lakers taught me

every skill, so, thank you, Lakers.

Bring it home, Carts! - My name's Carter.

I'm 18. I'm gonna play for Windsor. Let's go, Lakers!

Yeah! - I'm Caleb. I'm gonna play

for our great nation's capital of Ottawa.

My favourite thing about being a Laker

is these gentlemen right here, my brothers.

Thank you, Lakers. for giving me the opportunity

to grow as a player and as a person.

All love.

♪ We had stars ♪

♪ They were shining ♪

♪ We had stars ♪

Shoresy?

- Shoresy. - You want him?

- I do. - Fer what?

Remember our conversation a while back?

- Mm-hmm. You said... - I know what I said.

Trying to get the kids focused on the game again.

Trying to get them focused on winning.

We thought about a hockey school.

Get as many involved as we can.

But we ran into some trouble with a select four

from the Sudbury Lakers AAA program.

They're at an important spot in their development,

and they need personal attention.

So, Nat,

we wanna partner with the Bulldogs.

Some real champions. On a mentorship program.

We only have a handful of players here.

Everyone else has gone home for the summer.

Shoresy and a handful will do.

- Shoresy? - Yeah. She said...

I know what I said.

You know, the kids like you. They listen to you.

Yeah, I clocked that at the seminars.

She said she wants 'em to be all exactly like me.

- That's not what I said. - Mm-hmm. You said...

I know what I said.

I'd like them to listen to you more.

- Ballpark. - Who are these kids?

Mason, Jack, Carter, and Caleb. Top prospects.

All leaving town next year to play junior in the O.

But they're distracted. - By what?

You know what Sudbury's like in the summer.

- Tens everywhere. - Hockey players always

find trouble in the off-season. - Tens all over the place.

They need hockey to keep them busy.

These guys are elite. With a massive year on deck.

But they're dogging their summer skates,

they're skipping their workouts. They're uninspired.

Well, it's summer in Sudvegas.

- Will you help us? - I got a job with BROdude.

You really wanna go to TV land?

I don't know where to go.

- Go where you're needed. - Of course we'll help.

For the community, by the community.

- Thank you. - No, thank you.

This couldn't have come at a better time.

My guys are out acting like idiots, too.

Everywhere you look, there's a ten.

This'll keep them busy.

- Do you need anything from me? - Thanks, but no.

Our sponsors will be lined up to chip in

for a youth mentorship program. One in particular.

Who? Our favourite sponsor.

- Eddie's? - Gloria's?

- Gonga's? - Ashley Home Store

is my personal favourite. - The Blueberry festival, idiot.

- Oh, fuck. - When we told them

we were starting our own youth mentorship program,

they signed on enthusiastically.

Okay, I'm officially excited.

What's in the box, Nat? - I can't tell you how much

more you bug me when we're not playing hockey together.

- Okay, geez, man. - I have absolutely no use

for you if you're not stopping pucks for us.

- Okay. Wow. - Much like the Big Brothers

and Big Sisters of Canada programs,

you will be...

The Blueberry Buddies.

- Blueberry Buddies. - Yeah.

- Nah. - Blueberry... Buddies.

- Yeah. - No.

Not the Bulldog Brothers or Bulldog Bros.

- Bulldog B'ys. - Blueberry Boys.

Shut the fuck up, Michaels.

Is that a long-sleeved golf shirt?

We're gonna be the Blueberry Buddies.

Shut up and put the shirt on, slut.

Don't think I ever seen a long-sleeved golf shirt, b'ys.

Golf's unbelievable.

Well boys, who'd a thunk it?

NOSHO Champs and now we're Pomegranate Pals.

You know, even the Blueberry Besties.

NOSHO record holders,

and now we're Passion Fruit Friends.

- Or like, Blueberry BFF's? - National Champs,

and now we're Cherry Chums.

Let's just run it up the flagpole, see if it waves.

Where are you going, slut? Wish I was going tubing.

Ah!

Love a tube tuggie.

Same question. BROdude!

Tell 'em to settle down on the spray tan, Snooki.

I really think Blueberry Besties

oughta have its day in court.

What if I don't wanna be a Blueberry Buddy?

Do you wanna go to Weird Sudbury?

Well, b'ys,

all hands for the Banana Brotherhood!

Yeah, this was a good idea.

This was a bad idea. - Simmer!

- Bad, bad, bad. - Settle.

- I don't believe this. - Well, you better believe it.

- I just do not believe this. - Take a deep breath.

Try to do something good, and look what happens.

- We don't know what it is yet. - We know it ain't good.

- But do we? - It can't be.

'kay, stop!

Repeat to me exactly what was said to you.

Complaint of a sexual nature.

I'm gonna fuckin' puke.

- We don't know what it is yet. - We know it ain't good.

- But do we? - It can't be. Let's go.

I'm going to try and stay calm,

but I am terrified.

You have been mentoring these boys.

- Teenagers. - For two days.

- Less. - You haven't been mentoring

these guys for two days, and already we have...

I can't even say it.

- Complaint of a sexual nature. - Who?

Wasn't one of the b'ys.

- What do you mean? - Who?

- It was one of the b'ys. - What?

- What? - What are you, one of the boys?

Well, as Ziigwan already established,

they're teenagers, so they're not boys.

- Don't be a smart ass, slut. - But if Nat insists

on calling the b'ys boys... - Who was it?

Then yeah, it was one of the boy b'ys.

- One of the players? - I don't think

it's that confusin'. - One of the Lakers players?

I think they're the ones makin' it confusin'.

- Yes, one of the Lakers players. - For what?

I was only tryin' to play by der rules

on what's a boy and what's a b'y.

I said guys.

She said what did he do?

Do you want me to throw a shoe?

- Hélicoptère. - What?

Hélicoptère.

What is "hélicoptère?"

- Try it with more of an H. - Hélicoptère.

- Helicopter. - Hélicoptère.

- Helicopter. - What is that?

- I don't know. - I do.

- Show me. - I, I can't.

Shoo-shoo-shoo.

I'm gonna need that in English.

It's when you take your dick in your hand and you swing it

around like a helicopter.

Now I understand why you can't show me.

- Where did it happen? - In the dressing room.

- Were there girls there? - Why would there be girls

in the dressing room? - Fair.

It's not Ted Lasso.

So, this was the complaint

of a sexual nature?

And that's it?

Nobody fucked any of the hockey moms or anything?

Oh, my God, I am so relieved.

You don't even wanna know where my mind went

with, "complaint of a sexual nature" with these sluts.

Skanks.

How's it all going so far?

What have you been doing with them?

We just skate the shit outta them.

- That sounds fun. - Tubin'd be fun.

Oh, my God. - Ah!

Tubing's unbelievable. So much fun.

Okay, we've seen that he can loosen up and be himself.

Let's get some fuckin' Syrian food.

- Uh-huh. - We've seen that he can banter.

We've seen that he can trade jabs.

Hey, let's get some Kebab Halabi.

Yeah, Shoresy, you're wrapped. You can go home.

Okay? You guys know where to get

some good Lebanese?

But we need more tension.

More tension than going head to head

with the biggest pest of all time?

He's most entertaining when he's defensive.

On the ropes. We wanna see him squirm.

- Do we? - We threw him

to the rats with Avery. - Yeah.

Next, we throw him to the wolves.

What do you wanna do?

Hélicoptère.

- Helicopter. - Helicopter?

H... elicopter.

- So? - That's--

- Huh? - That's what we said,

old man. - That gets you a complaint

of a sexual nature? - Yeah, can you imagine?

No one's talking to you.

The girls are actin' like they never heard anything

so bad as dat.

I could tell 'em a couple things.

What it do, what it does.

B'ys are in deep water, old man.

Deep water like dat. We need some help.

Me? Huh?

I don't feel right goin' where the b'ys are to

and tellin' them not to helicopter where d'ere at.

'Cause I meself used to helicopter when I was dat age.

- Me too. - Me too.

Oh, look at Goody over here actin' like he never

helicoptered in the room.

I was more of a brain guy at that age.

Is that where you pull your ball sack up

and over your dink? - Yeah.

I was always pullin' my ball sack up

and over my dink. - Knows, b'ys.

- Bah. - Oh, look at Dolo over here.

Look at this aristocrat actin' like he never

pulled his ball sack up and over his dink.

Hey, look at this nobleman. Look at this fine fellow.

I'll buy that for a nickel.

Ever pull your dink over your wrist

and ask someone to tell you the time, or what?

I was more the guy that would just tuck the whole thing

between my legs so it looked like a snapper.

Oh, you don't say. Imagine that.

Me son, the b'ys are in deep, and we need some help.

Helicoptered.

Take ten teenage boys,

fuckin' nine of 'em are helicoptering right now.

- That's a lot of helicoptering. - Our dressing room

sounded like Black Hawk Down. - I bet you if Dolo tried it now

he might even take flight. - Strength in numbers, b'ys.

It's kinda tough doing this and the BROdude thing

at the same time.

And I had planned to spend the afternoon with Big Sexy.

Tit fucker. - Well, do it for the kids,

broseph. - Everything you say

fuckin' irritates me. - Why?

I can't fuckin'-- Every single thing you say.

- Okay, God! Geez. - You're our leader, old man.

Come help us talk to the b'ys.

So everybody listen up here now.

What's your name? - Mason.

- What's your name? - Jack.

- What's your name? - Carter.

- What's your name? - Caleb.

All right.

What's your name again? - Mason.

You look like you did it.

It was Jack. Don't be a rat!

- Jack? - No.

- I'm Jack. - You helicoptered?

- Yeah. - Really. Wow.

He looks like the biggest nerd of them all.

Yeah.

- Knows, b'ys. - He looks like the biggest

nerd of them all to me.

Well, it's between that one and that one.

Guys... Weird nose too.

- What the fuck? - Cut the lip.

You want a noogie? - No.

Yeah, he's got the nose, but how 'bout

the chin on that one? Chicken nugget chin.

All right, go on.

We were doing a conditioning skate--

- Another one. - What?

Been doing a lot of conditioning skates lately.

We get skated by our winter team

three times a week all summer to stay in shape.

Oh, okay, so right now, you're getting skated

by your own team

and getting skated by us? - The Blueberry Buddies.

- Huh? - In the middle of summer, yeah.

All right, I understand why you said it like

such a little cunt then. - Our coach is such a loser.

- What an idiot. - I like the skates,

because I can literally feel weakness leaving my body.

Hm. You're the goalie, right?

- You would be correct, sir. - Goalies are always weird.

Michaels, control your guy.

- Caleb, shut the fuck up. - Wish we were tubing.

- You guys like tubing? - The boys love tubing.

Oh, really.

Yeah, okay, all right. Go on.

I didn't want to do the skate, so I helicoptered

in the dressing room before to try and get sent home.

Why would you get sent home?

For showing my dick in the room.

But it's the dressing room.

Why would you get sent home for showing your dick

in the dressing room? - 'Cause you're not supposed

to show your dick in the room anymore.

Why aren't you supposed to show your dick

in the room anymore? - They made a rule that no one

can be naked in the dressing room.

- Why? - So no one feels uncomfortable.

You can't get undressed in the undressing room?

- I just told you, you're not-- - But wait,

then how do you get fuckin'... dressed?

You're supposed to wear an undergarment to the rink

that never comes off.

- Even in the shower? - No one really showers anymore.

'Cause you're not supposed to be naked

in the dressing room.

All right, all right.

So you come to the rink. You're wearin' a fuckin what?

- Undergarment. - You come to the rink,

you're wearing an undergarment,

you skate in it, you sweat like a pig in it.

Yeah, they skate the shit out of us.

Sometimes guys puke.

And then you go into the dressing room,

you don't shower, you don't wash.

You just pull your jeans on

over this sweaty undergarment and go home?

Most of the boys wear jogs, not jeans.

That's fuckin' disgusting!

That's fuckin... why?

- So no one feels uncomfortable. - Oh, so no feels uncom--

- That's some gutter shit. - That is an overreaction!

What about your, what about your hygiene?

Definitely don't wanna be going straight

to your old lady's after. - What about your fuckin' pride?

What, do you just walk into the lobby after

in a sweaty nut stew? - It's not our rule, gentlemen.

What about your, what about your self-respect?

Huh? You just crack a window in Mom's car on the way home?

Sit in your cock and ball soup the whole way?

- We didn't make it up. - So no one feels uncomfortable.

Okay, so no one sees a dink and jumps off a bridge.

Mm-hmm, you all have to behave like actual degenerates?

It's not our rule, man. Calm down.

It's a lot of adults thinking about boys

and their dinks, b'ys. - A lot of kids have

a problem with BO.

Good luck to them, I suppose b'y.

You ever try Aqua Reef Old Spice?

My gay buddy got his first erection in a dressing room.

That's almost a counterpoint, old man.

If it weren't for seein' dinks in the room,

he wouldn't know he was gay. - Well, he probably would.

Now you've pretty much outlined why

b'ys feels uncomfortable. - Well, he's not fuckin'

uncomfortable now. He's fuckin' all sorts of ass.

- Tight. - He's over in Spanish Africa

fuckin' ass right now. - Who complained?

Some idiot parent who's trying to get their kid

more ice time by complaining about other kids.

That idiot told our idiot coach.

What a loser.

Worst helicopter of your life, eh, Jackie?

No one ever complains when I do it.

Got a complaint and still got bag skated.

This is weird.

Weird Sudbury.

We're actually helping them with this?

- A deal's a deal. - Helping sluts get sluttier.

To their credit, they've taken their foot off the gas

on the Cup celebration tour.

They're out there, just less conspicuously.

- Where? - Everywhere.

Including, but not limited to...

The water tower.

Northern Exotics.

And the Super Stack.

Nutty idea for you.

Take a break. It's the off-season for us too.

Trust me, I'd rather be here, doing this, all the time.

Then why are we still trying to wrangle these dudes?

To make sure they're not out choppering their dicks

around or whatever. - Helicopter.

Hockey shouldn't be an all-year-round

gig for you, Nat. - It shouldn't be for anybody.

I'm just trying to give back.

I know, but there's a time for hockey,

and it's called hockey season. - Co-sign.

Too much hockey's a good way to stop enjoying hockey.

Do you like being at the top?

This is what it takes to stay here.

You know what they'd be up to otherwise.

Can I dip?

Yeah, you can chew.

Get in his kitchen. - If that's what you want, boss.

I want you figuratively flicking his ear.

Pinching the back of his arm. - Then so it shall be.

Wolf pack assembled.

His discomfort is the audience's entertainment. So push him.

And push your tits up a bit.

A bit more.

Welcome to 3-on-1 presented by BROdude Energy.

I'm your host Anik Archambault

with our resident expert, the guy you all know as Shoresy.

And today, we're gonna try a different spin on 3-on-1.

Three women, on one man. - 'kay take it easy, Anik.

Joining us today to discuss the women's game

are Olympic hockey gold medalist Tessa Bonhomme,

play-by-play announcer for the Professional

Women's Hockey League, Kenzie Lalonde,

and the co-founder of hockey analytics firm

Stathletes, Meghan Chayka. Welcome, ladies.

- Thank you. - Thanks, Anik.

- Are you chewing tobacco? - They said I could.

Yeah, we keep things casual around here.

- I can see that. - Kenzie,

let's talk about the Professional Women's

Hockey League. We finally have the best players

in North America going head to head

in one league. This is huge!

Massive. But I mean, the talent's always been there.

We just haven't been on TV as much.

Fortunately, with the formation of the PWHL,

the women's game is finally properly platformed.

- Yeah, long overdue. - And it's not just women's

hockey, Anik. Look at soccer,

the entire country just celebrated the retirement

of Christine Sinclair. And basketball,

NCAA March Madness made Caitlin Clark a household name.

We're seeing women's sports get closer and closer

to equal coverage to men across all media.

Better late than never goes to show,

let the people see us play, and we'll dazzle.

Shoresy, I'm sure you caught

some women's hockey this year on TSN.

- Yep. - What'd you think?

- It was pretty good. - Pretty good?

Yeah, they take some big runs at each other.

- So you'd agree? - With what?

That the women's game is every bit as fast

and electrifying as the men's.

- Did somebody say that? - I did.

Well, it's definitely not as fast as the men's.

- Tessa? - Kendall Coyne's

pretty fast, but I mean, sure.

But it might be as electrifying,

depending who you ask. - What do you mean?

Well some people might find the women's game

more electrifying. - Like who?

- Lots of people. - Give me an example.

Like, a little girl

who dreams of playing in the PWHL when she grows up.

- But certainly not limited to. - To what?

- To little girls. - I'm a bit turned around here.

Appreciation of the PWHL certainly shouldn't just be

limited to little girls, right?

I don't know what's going on now.

So what do we do if we wanna make our game as fast

and electrifying as the men? - I don't know.

Sure you do, Shoresy. You're the expert here.

I played senior whale shit hockey.

But you're of the opinion that women aren't as fast.

He didn't really say that as a generalization.

- Yes. - Oh.

Well, there ya go. Tell us, Shoresy,

so, how do us gals make the game faster?

- I don't know. - Humour us.

- I don't know. - Come on, Shoresy.

- Leave me alone. - You're the expert here.

- But I don't know! - Sure, you do.

- No, I don't! - You say we aren't as fast.

Yeah, but I fuckin' wish I didn't.

Then what should we do, Shoresy?

I mean, if we ever wanna be as fast as you men?

Make the ice smaller. What?

- I said I didn't know! - Sounds like you do!

All right, it's just a science thing.

What science?

Fuckin' neutrons and beakers.

What are you talking about?

Fuckin' nucleuses

and chloroplasts. - I'm a data scientist.

- Fuckin' mitochondrion. - What science are you actually

referring to? - I don't know, physics?

- Physics? - Yes.

- No. - Do I mean biology?

No, you don't. Do not go there.

Why do women have to play on smaller ice?

Why don't men play on bigger ice?

Sometimes they do. It's called Olympic size.

Yeah, I know it well, Shoresy.

Won gold on it with the Canadian women back in 2010.

I know! It was one of the greatest moments of my life!

- That was kinda sweet. - Yeah, but then when

the men won gold,

it was THE greatest moment of my life.

And you blew it.

Controversial statement, Shoresy.

Why is that controversial?

You've got questions, he's got answers!

- So dumb. - No more questions for me.

- That's all for me. - That's all for me.

- And that's all for 3-on-1. - Ho-ly!

Nice work, me son!

Uh-oh.

Awful.

- Give it a sec. - I just don't care.

- About what? - About being on TV.

It's so dumb. - You'd honestly rather

be tubing, wouldn't you? - Well, the boys love tubing.

Don't you wanna be gettin' focused or somethin'?

- Fer what? - All right.

Go home, sluts.

- Just one stop for da b'ys. - Sure.

- It's on the way. - You guys ready to go?

- Coming where? - Little Montreal.

What's at Little Montreal?

- You guys don't know? - No.

You guys don't know what Shoresy's doing?

- Oh my God. - With Laura?

- No, tell us! - Whoa, you guys don't know

what Shoresy does with Laura on Wednesday nights?

You are so fuckin' annoying, bro.

- Wow, okay. - Michaels!

Wow, I just thought that you would know. Geez, sorry!

What is he doing with Laura on Wednesday nights?

He takes her downtown and he sings her karaoke songs.

Right now? Little Montreal?

♪ I recommend getting your heart trampled on by anyone ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I recommend walking around naked in your living room ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Swallow it down ♪

♪ What a jagged little pill ♪

♪ It feels so good ♪

Good tune.

♪ Swimming in your stomach ♪

B'ys, he hit that high note,

but he's not gonna hit the big one.

♪ Wait until the dust settles ♪

♪ You live, you learn ♪

♪ You love, you learn ♪

♪ You cry, you learn ♪

♪ You lose, you learn ♪

♪ You bleed, you learn ♪

♪ You scream, you learn ♪

♪ I recommend biting off ♪

♪ more than you can chew to anyone ♪

♪ I certainly do ♪

- I love this song. - You wanna go?

- Yeah. Let's go! - Let's go!

No fuckin' way.

♪ ...at any time, feel free ♪

♪ Throw it down ♪

♪ The caution blocks you from the wind ♪

- Woo! - ♪ Hold it up ♪

♪ To the rays ♪

B'ys, he's not gonna hit it again

♪ You wait and see when the smoke clears ♪

♪ You live, you learn ♪

♪ You love, you learn ♪

♪ You cry, you learn ♪

♪ You lose, you learn ♪

♪ You bleed, you learn ♪

♪ You scream, you learn ♪

Magnifique, Shoresy!

- Alanis Morissette? - Legend.

- You're something, man. - On Canada's Mount Rushmore

with Shania and Celine. - I gotta go soon.

- Well, maybe I go with ya. - You can't come home with me.

My kid's there. - All right.

But let's go in the parking lot for a little bit.

difuze