Original subtitles

♪ Ay, look, look, look, look ♪

♪ This ain't no special track ♪

♪ This ain't no hot-ass mothafucka ♪

♪ But we gon'... I'ma ♪

♪ Oh, I like that too ♪

♪ That's a... Wait a minute now ♪

♪ Ha ha ha ha ♪

♪ We might have to rock that mothafucka ♪

♪ Now you know why ♪

♪ I had to go, I had to go ♪

♪ I still love you ♪

♪ I hope you know, I hope you know ♪

♪ Now you know why I had to go, I had to go ♪

♪ I still love you ♪

♪ I hope you, hope you, hope you, hope you ♪

♪ Hope you, hope you, hope you ♪

♪ Now you know why I had to go, I had to go ♪

♪ I still love you ♪

♪ I hope you know, I hope you know ♪

♪ Now you know why I had to go, I had to go ♪

♪ I still love you ♪

♪ I hope you, hope you, hope you ♪

♪ Now you know why I had to go, I had to go ♪

♪ I still love you ♪

♪ I hope you know, I hope you know ♪

The off-season.

We won the NOSHO, we set a league record,

and then we won the country.

- Fuckin' eh. - I see an opportunity here.

- To relax, recharge. - To ruin everything.

- Dude, you are no fun at all. - They haven't stopped the party

since the tournament. - And they ain't stoppin'

until they've drank from the cup at every landmark in Sudbury.

Where now?

Including, but not limited to...

The Beef 'N Bird.

Bridge of Nations.

And Bell Park Splash N Go.

♪ Hey, hey, hey, Bulldogs ♪

We know the off-season is dangerous for hockey players.

- Sluts. - But it's summer in Sudvegas.

Let's take a break.

I'm all for enjoying everything

that comes along with winning.

Super. Moving right along.

But we've gotta keep our guys

between the lines. - Fuck these guys.

Let's party. - Half of them have gone home

for summer. That's only half the headache. Kick back.

You wanna be the best? Your work is never done.

- Yawn. - We have a reputation

to uphold. So, your job this summer is to--

- Care take. - Babysit?

Uphold it. Keep our guys between the lines.

We've had some tall orders with this gig,

but this one's the Matterhorn.

- This is Kilimanjaro. - This is Kangchenjunga.

- Why? - 'Cause they're obsessed

with getting invited

to Weird Sudbury. - The party?

You gotta know someone on the inside.

And they're out there working every angle.

- What is it exactly? - Good and weird.

People have no idea how funky things get

in these Northern Ontario towns.

- So, what are you gonna do? - Beer and a shot?

I mean, if you're not gonna kick back for a sec,

after accomplishing everything you could possibly accomplish

with this team in this country, what's your job this summer?

Shoresy.

Life after hockey is tough.

It's an identity for these guys, and they don't know what to do

when it's over.

He put his body on the line for us, night in, night out,

and never complained.

Just go 'til you can't go no more.

- Good soldier. - But now that he can't go

for us in here, we owe it to him

to make sure he's okay out there.

The hockey world looks out for each other.

Let's be there for our guy.

Let's help him find his way.

Bulldog hockey, baby.

Hell yeah. Fuck yeah.

Oh, hey, that lady from the seminar

last year called and she wants to talk to him.

- To Shoresy? - Yeah, Jill.

She looks like Charlize Theron.

- Where is he? - Starting his new chapter.

♪ Just like, just like that, ♪

♪ yeah, we're motherfuckin' back ♪

♪ Just like that, yeah, we're motherfuckin' ♪

♪ Just like, just like that, yeah, we're motherfuckin' back ♪

♪ Just like that, yeah, we're motherfuckin' ♪

♪ Just like, just like that, yeah, we're motherfuckin' back ♪

♪ Just like that ♪

Okay, smile.

♪ Just like, just like that, ♪

♪ yeah, we're motherfuckin' back ♪

Stop.

You smile like you've got a thumb up your ass.

But you look gorgeous.

Me? No, her.

Merci.

Doesn't she look fabulous?

Bit young, but... Sit.

Congratulations. You are two-thirds

of BROdude's new hockey show, 3-on-1,

a sports show where three panelists discuss one topic.

How's it feel?

Don't care at all.

What sets this sports show apart?

It's short. Quick hits.

Hockey talk that pops into your social media feed

and hooks you in before you can scroll down,

click away, or watch porn instead.

That's the goal, anyway.

We will be targeting

a social media audience

with the attention span of an iPad baby,

so don't dick around. You will have mere seconds

to captivate "generation impatient"

before losing them. Seconds.

But don't worry, Anik's tits buy us at least five. Shoresy...

- Or what's left of him. - Between your dental work

and wardrobe, you're BROdude's new $10,000 man.

- Can I dip? - You look pretty.

What do you think?

I think you're maybe a fuckin' idiot

if you think you got anything going for you here

other than her tits.

Actually, Shoresy,

you're the draw. - Ya think?

- I do. - Then you're maybe

a fuckin' idiot, too. - The two of you

will be permanent fixtures of 3-on-1. Those are your seats.

In the coming weeks, we'll be test-driving

a few personalities for this third seat.

See if we can't find a winner.

Who's our first experiment, Em?

Shoresy, you've built

an impressive audience

on the BROdude network by being a complete dick

to your opponents. Disrespectful in general.

I'd be sticking every one of 'em in the nuts right now

if I could. - We thought it might be fun

to find an opponent you would respect.

They didn't find one? We found one.

Who?

Let's get on the go, b'ys!

- Jim. - Yeah.

- Jim. - Yes.

- Jim. - Dolo, I don't think I texted

you on your birthday this year so, happy belated, buddy.

What're ya at, missus?

Plenty o' room for everyone.

Welcome, aboard.

Sorry, b'ys.

She's full to the brim.

We'll get ya on the way back.

Welcome to 3-on-1 presented by BROdude Energy.

I'm your host Anik Archambault with the guy you all know

as Shoresy. And with us today

is one of the great captains of all time.

One of the most beloved Leafs ever.

And certainly the most respected.

Mesdames et messieurs, Dougie Gilmour.

- Thank you for having me, Anik. - Dougie Gilmour.

Today's topic, who is the best fighter in hockey?

Shoresy, we'll start with you.

You should start with Dougie Gilmour.

I like to move clockwise. Shoresy, best fighter in hockey.

She should start with Dougie Gilmour.

Why are you talking to me?

Hockey people will wanna hear from Dougie Gilmour.

- Just "Doug" works. - That time Marty McSorley

stuck the elbow out on ya,

I almost went through the TV screen.

- Oh yeah? - I said,

"That's Dougie Gilmour." - Well, what I hear,

you'd elbow me the same way. - Elbow Dougie Gilmour?

- "Doug" works. - No. I respect you too much.

I'd stick the elbow out on Marty.

Cut!

Say, top three NHL tough guys of all time. You've got Marty.

This isn't the Shoresy we want.

Was the tooth a mistake? Bobby Probert.

Tie Domi. - Hockey players respect

the hierarchy. You can't beat it out of them.

He respects Doug Gilmour too much.

He'll always defer to him.

- Who's number one? - Joey Kocur.

Then let's find someone he respects less.

Welcome to 3-on-1 presented by BROdude Energy.

I'm your host Anik Archambault with the guy you all know

as Shoresy. And joining us today

is legendary fighter, Stanley Cup Champion,

not to mention, The Great One's protector,

mesdames and messieurs, Marty McSorley.

- Thanks for having me, Anik. - Today's topic,

who was the best fighter in hockey? Shoresy?

You should start with Mr. McSorley.

He threw straight

down the pipe. - Then I look forward

to his answer, right after yours.

She should start with Mr. McSorley.

You're talking to me again, Shoresy.

I'm not on the show, remember?

Mr. McSorley threw

straight down the tube.

I don't wanna be called Mr. McSorley.

- You don't talk to me either. - Let's stay focused here,

gentlemen. - I thought you didn't

respect Marty? - Who said I didn't

respect Mr.-- - If you don't want him talking

to you, then you can't talk to him!

He said he'd stick the elbow out on Marty.

- Don't talk to me either. - That doesn't mean

I don't respect him. - Don't call me Mr. McSorley.

I'd stick the elbow out on a small, disabled dog

if it got me a W. - I'm not your dad.

Well, ya might be, with the hours you put

on the old workbench, eh?

Huh?

I don't know his mom.

Well, neither do I,

but if I did, I'd hope

she'd bang Marty McSorley.

Stop talking to me!

What a flop. It's not a flop.

- What a bust. - Oh, it's not a bust yet.

Well, if it is, his dental work's coming out

of your paycheque. - There's gotta be a way

to get the Shoresy we want. He's just, he's gotta feel

like he has a seat at the table. - This isn't a hard job.

We call action, you show us your personality.

Well, we need someone who will trigger his personality.

Someone who'll get him going.

Well, we started with somebody he respects,

then somebody he respects less.

He built off his audience teeing off on people

he doesn't respect, at all.

Maybe we shouldn't complicate this.

Give the people what they already know and love.

You're right, he's our protagonist

of our panel. He's our hero.

So, let's find him a villain.

Nat?

Sean Avery?

The one and only, baby.

You got Sean fuckin' Avery?

Love him or hate him, you can't wait

to hear what he says next. - No, that's Don Cherry.

This is Sean Avery. - You're familiar with my work.

Yeah, the biggest rat of all time.

How do you call me the biggest rat of all time?

If it looks like a duck and swims like a duck.

I said rat. Why're you talkin' about ducks?

Never suspended once, but the biggest rat of all time?

You're a rat too, Shoresy. You guys should get along great.

Yeah, that's actually high praise coming from me.

- Who are you again? - Save it for the show.

You don't know what you're doing at all, eh?

Half the people see us come on

are gonna see him and go click.

I beg to differ. Is everyone set?

And what are they clickin' there, Shoresy?

A TV from the 1950's? - Just go, we're rolling.

Welcome to 3-on-1 presented by BROdude Energy.

I'm Anik Archambault, with the guy you all know

as Shoresy. And today's guest panelist

is the man who reset the bar for pests in hockey.

The ultimate irritator, the infamous--

- Never suspended once. - Sean Avery.

I never get sick of hearing my own name.

Today's topic, who is the best fighter in hockey? Shoresy.

Yeah, definitely start with him

if it's a question about the NHL.

I only played about 600 games.

So, let's hear from the real grizzled vet first.

You gonna sit like that the whole time?

- Like what? - Like a woman.

This makes you uncomfortable?

No, what makes me uncomfortable

is you're wearing enough cologne for 20 broads.

- It's not my cologne. - Yeah, it's your labia.

- That's my hair product. - It's your fallopian tubes.

But if we're talking about hair...

- We're not talking about hair. - You're getting a little

thin up there, Shoresy. - Best fighter in hockey.

The front of your hair looks like a piece of land

that juts out into a body of water. What's that called?

- A peninsula? - You're a fuckin'

peninsula head. - Yeah well, look at

your patchy-ass beard. - It's not patchy.

- Yeah, I've seen patchier. - Looks like a group of islands

out in the water. What's that called?

An archipelago?

You're an archipelago face.

Point your weird head down to the camera.

Well, I bet you'd love for me to point my head down.

Your hairline looks like a hairpin turn on a racetrack.

You're a fuckin' hairpin turn head.

- Oh. - Oh, you're the funniest guy

in Canada, Avery. - I'm actually American now.

Well, of course you are, you fuckin' border hopper.

I'm a dual citizen living in L.A.

- Fuckin' fence rider. - I love the U.S.

Go borrow a cup of sugar from your neighbour,

you get shot in the dick. - And that's all for 3-on...

a different topic than the one we had planned,

but I doubt anyone's complaining.

Stay tuned for more from BROdude Energy.

Who's clickin' away from that?

- To progress. - To provocation.

Why isn't he here for this?

- Shoresy? - No, Bart Simpson.

- Because he doesn't care. - Right.

- At all. - That really bugs me.

And it's a Sudbury Saturday Night.

He won't miss one of those.

What happens on a Sudbury Saturday Night?

They're gonna ruin everything.

They're everywhere. Where?

Including, but not limited to...

The Big Nickel.

Science North.

And Diamonds Gentlemen's Club.

Give it up for Senior National Champions,

the Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs!

Get these guys to behave.

Get us into Weird Sudbury...

And you'll never see us behave so good as what we does.

The woman from the seminars called again.

The one who looks like Charlize Theron?

She wants to talk about setting up a mentorship program.

You gotta be kidding me.

No, it's no joke, Ziig. I got a full rack

and now I got tens throwing rocks at my windows

in the middle of the night. I like the teeth.

Sanger's gone home for the summer,

if you wanna do something about it.

- Nope. - New teeth,

beard coifs, spray tan.

- Can't get used to it. - You look like you got

queer eyed by a blind guy. - I got tens all over me.

You know what it is. - Settle down.

Now I'm just like Goody. He went tubing with two tens

on Tuesday. - Really?

You got a tuggie on a tube?

- Yeah, Goody got a tube tuggie. - Really?

- Yeah. - Really?

Yeah.

- That is so cool. - Tubing's unbelievable.

- Yeah, the boys love tubing. - Tens, eh?

- Two. - Come find me. I'll teach ya

how to make 'em Wim Hof. All right!

Best team in the country.

- Yeah! - Yes, b'y!

I'll never get sick of saying it.

- Congratulations. - Nat, seriously, thank you.

- Shut the fuck up, Michaels. - As I've said before,

it's important to celebrate the win.

To relish the victories.

Yeah! - To commemorate the triumphs.

Yeah! Woo! - But there is a reasonable

amount of time to celebrate something like this,

and I think that you've surpassed it.

It's time to turn off the tap.

Ease up on the pressure at the very least.

- And do what? - And get busy doing--

- Huh? - Get busy doing

something else, slut. - Oh, the boys are busy.

- No, you're not. - Oh, the boys are busy.

- With what? - Did you not just hear me say

Goody went tubing with two tens? - On Tuesday.

- So? - So, Goody got a tuggie on a tube.

What are you so busy with, Dolo?

- Getting neck on a kneeboard. - Hitch?

- Coitus on a catamaran. - You?

Fuckin' deep throat on a houseboat.

- You know, I'm available. - Shut the fuck up, Michaels.

It's the off-season, Nat. Summer in Sudvegas.

Take a break from the Bulldogs.

- Fuckin', eh. - Ziig.

- Take a break from hockey. - Co-sign.

Miig! And come out with us

and just crush beers!

No!

We have spent the last two years

establishing a glowing reputation

in the city of Sudbury.

We filled our rink with families.

We've hosted educational seminars for kids.

- And one webinar. - The Bulldogs

are positive members of this community,

and I won't have it going to shit

with you guys acting like idiots all summer.

Well, Natalie,

there is the matter of Weird Sudbury.

The party?

You gotta know someone on the inside.

Perhaps ya does.

- What is it, exactly? - It's good and weird.

Can we double click on that for a second?

Michaels, you piss me off so much more

when we're not playing hockey. - No!

Okay, b'ys, who wants to get a handy in a hammock?

Yeah!

Fine!

We will get you guys into Weird Sudbury.

But you have to keep it

between the lines until then.

Define between the lines.

Okay, go have fun. You've earned it.

Do it.

Just don't overdo it.

Deal.

Big weekend in Sudvegas, Shoresy?

Treat the missus to some East Side Mario's

or what? Maybe a little DQ drive thru?

- He's done after today, right? - Sean? Yeah.

He served his purpose. He got Shoresy to be Shoresy.

But we must continue evolving.

Should've stayed here for the weekend, big fella.

I would've taken you shopping. - That's pretty gay, Sean.

You'da been just a weapon of mass destruction in T.O.

Yeah, I got a full rack and 100 DM's from tens.

So many girls Hinge downloaded you, eh?

Take two steps and I'm trippin' over ass.

I'm comin' out with you, big man.

Just a couple of swingin' dicks in the 4-1-6.

Welcome to 3-on-1 presented by BROdude Energy.

I'm Anik Archambault with the guy you all know

as Shoresy. And returning

to the panel today is infamous super pest.

- Plug. - Sean Avery.

- Hear that? - What?

Thousands of people hearing your name

and changing the channel.

It's a web show, Charlie Brown.

Today's topic is concussions. Head trauma.

Yeah, it looks like Sean's got face trauma.

- What does that even mean? - It looks like someone

beat you over the face with a shovel.

- They didn't. I'd know. - You're a shovel face, Sean.

And how your hairline managed to retreat

that much further over the weekend,

it's remarkable. - Thanks.

If I lived above a face that ugly,

I'd seek higher ground too. - Moving right along.

It's low tide on Shoresy's beachfront.

- Head trauma in hockey. - It's a good topic for you,

Shoresy. Concussions ended your career recently, right?

- Correct. - How many conky's?

Let's go through them. That'll be fun for me.

Let's start with the last one. - You know,

it was the craziest thing. I come to,

there's 20 broads standing around me, all tens.

- I bet. - And the one before that?

I come to, there's three French broads mid-orgasm,

I'm not even fully hard yet. - Okay.

- And the one before that? - I come to, I'm bangin'

a nine with a bunch of dead tens on the ground

that she fought to the death for me.

I would love to see what a ten looks like

in your mind, Shoresy. - Her.

Oh, well I know whose side I'm on.

Bit young, but... Woo-hoo!

- I told you. - You told me.

- I was right. - Yeah, we've really

got something here. Shoresy...

Let's get some fuckin' crab Rangoon.

You were great today. Congratulations.

- You must be proud. - Don't care at all.

- Why? - 'Cause I'd rather be

in Sudbury gettin' a beej on a boat.

You really don't care about any of this.

Coming to Toronto? Being on a TV show?

It's a web show. Nope.

Then why are you here?

I can't play hockey anymore.

And I'm worried about what will happen to me

if I have a moment to sit with that.

You're coaching with Sanger next season.

- No. - Yes.

- No. - Yes.

- No. - Why not?

Because not having the option

to get out there and do something myself

would drive me to drink.

Drinking on the bench sounds kinda fun.

Yeah, it does.

I will convince you to coach, Shoresy.

But for now, BROdude is giving you an opportunity

to stay in hockey. - It's not hockey.

It's what you've got. This is it.

You're not going into the corners anymore.

You're not driving hard to the net.

You're not punching anybody in the back of the head.

You need to turn the page.

This is how you keep contributing.

Doesn't scratch the itch.

What's your favourite thing about it?

- About what? - Hanukkah.

- Huh? - Hockey, idiot.

- Winning. - You love to win.

Well, I hate to lose.

You need to create a scenario in this

where there's a winner and a loser.

- How do you... - You may not care

about being on TV, but you care if you win.

So, if the show does well, you win. If it doesn't...

I lose.

And then you'll have a moment to sit with that.

Look what these TV people did to your face. Why?

- 'Cause I got a face for radio. - You're not that ugly.

Well, it doesn't matter. I got bigger fish to fry.

- Oh, do ya? - Oh, yeah.

- Do ya really? - I do, like crazy.

He's got a TV gig in Toronto,

but he's got bigger fish to fry. - I got more pressing matters.

He gets to sit and gab with a hot French girl,

but his mind is elsewhere. - It's miles away.

Where? I mean, on what, or why?

'Cause this is the summer I close on Laura Mohr.

- Oh, yeah? - Oh, yeah.

What does that mean?

- More sleepovers? - How many more sleepovers?

Like, maybe we sleepover more than we don't.

- This is going really well. - I know.

- Yeah? - And I'm scared. I'm terrified.

- Shut up. - I'm flailing on the inside.

Look, you gotta be careful when you got kids, Shoresy.

I don't let just any dude in. I gotta be sure.

And for me to be sure, you've gotta be sure.

Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.

You just won best team in the country.

- We. - I'm sure you're gonna wanna

enjoy the perks that come along with that.

It's summer in Sudvegas.

It's not fuckin' Playa del Carmen.

I know what goes on.

It's not fuckin' Belo Horizonte.

I'm ready to take things to the next level.

But I need to be sure that you're sure.

So, go have fun with the boys. See if you're sure.

What?

Even when you're slamming the door in my face,

I'm an absolute pile for ya. - I know.

Even when you're being just ruthless,

I think you're so fuckin' hot. - I know.

I think you're so fuckin' cool.

- You can get hotter than me. - No, I can't.

- You have. - No, I haven't.

What about... Morgan Thiel is hot.

- Have you seen her lately? - Kelly Adamson?

If you're into body positivity.

Erica Duncan is super hot. I know you banged her.

- No! - No, she's not super hot?

- No, I never banged her. - Why?

Because her bedroom is fuckin' disgusting.

You didn't bang her 'cause she's messy?

You try getting hard when it reeks like cat litter.

Summer in Sudvegas.

Are you sure you don't want me to come inside,

hang and fold your laundry? - I'm serious.

Take your new look out on the town.

I look like I got groomed at Pet Valu.

I like everything but the tooth.

Well, broads seem to like the tooth.

Lotta broads out there, Shoresy.

But this is the summer I close on Laura Mohr.

We shall see.

You really think some movie star looking mom

is just gonna come along and say, "I want you?"

I want you.

difuze