Original subtitles

That's it. Pick up that block.

Slip this one. Yes!

Woo! Go, baby, go!

That's what's up!

Woo!

Oh, man.

They called that back? That is such hard work!

That is complete malarkey.

That is such crap.

Rough game?

Mm.

I got 50 bucks on it. Oh. Oh!

Yeah.

Go, baby. Come on.

God damn it.

Hey, you want to go have on a pizza right now?

I ate already.

Oh. Oh.

Go, baby. Yes.

All right. Yeah.

That's it. Let's beat some D.

Beat some good defense.

We need to hustle now.

Play smart.

Or we could watch Posh and Philly.

Huh?

Posh and Philly came on like five minutes ago.

It's my favorite show. Come on, Zach.

Yeah. Go watch it on your computer.

Go. I can't. TV's blocked thanks to your dad.

That's stupid.

You're 18 now.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Come on!

Can I just use your laptop?

Uh, nah, you're not touching my laptop.

Why not?

Because... Because it's mine.

And I said so.

Come on, it seems like these games are on all week.

It's not all week. It's just Monday.

Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays through Sundays, basically.

Oh, is that all?

Well, yeah, they do recap shows on Tuesdays, but I usually let you use the

Tuesdays, don't I?

No, you know what?

We're going to watch Posh and Philly.

Yeah, nah.

Hey, I'll buy the pizza, and I'll even get half of it vegetarian just for you.

Cool? Deal?

Weren't you listening to me?

I already ate.

Of course not. Of course you weren't listening. When do you ever listen to

Sorry. Look, I'm not going to get a pizza with pineapple on it because it

permeates through the cheese and it ruins everything.

We're watching Posh and Philly.

Yeah, right. Take a hike, kid. Why don't you go watch it at your little stupid

friend's house or something? I swear to God, Zachary, I will call your dad and

my mom, and you know they are in the world.

Yes.

Whoa, hey, yo, yo, yo, no, no, no.

Okay, if we can watch this really important game, I promise I will let you

Philly and... Pilly or Philly and whatever that you watch. Posh and

Okay, yeah, I will let you watch it if we can watch this very important game,

okay? No deal.

Posh and Philly, right now.

I'm tired of being pushed around all the time by you, Zach.

Alright, hey, listen.

We'll record it, and you can watch it later on.

Oh, yes.

Oh, go baby, yes!

That's the way to get the screen, yes!

Woo! TD!

What?

Ever since my accident, they've been on my nut about me getting my own place.

Yeah, well, you know what? That doesn't sound like such a terrible idea. Because

you can watch as much football as you want at your own place on your own TV.

Yeah, well, you know, the thing about that is... Yeah.

Oh, baby, yes! What a catch!

Back in the end zone. Wow.

Did you see that?

Oh, man.

What?

Dude, really?

You missed that field goal? That was a chip shot, dude.

Yeah, hey, Mom.

Hey, what?

Um, yeah, not so good, actually. Hey, what's up, Mom?

How's the vacation going?

Ooh, yeah, sounds fun.

Oh, that sounds fun.

Yeah, the whole bottle of marijuana. You're getting crazy party animals.

Um, just, uh...

Deacon Jeff's a workout routine and she can barely hold up the dumbbells with

her skinny little arms.

Give me my phone, Zach.

Yeah,

yeah, that was a tough set.

Yeah, we just wanted to call.

Yeah, we just miss you, that's all.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Jess and I are going to watch Posh in Philly soon, so we gotta go.

Yeah, okay, well, love you, Mom.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, have fun in wine country.

Yeah, absolutely.

Jess will be sure to walk the dog.

Okay.

And lock all the doors.

Okay.

Love you, too.

Love you.

Mm -hmm.

All right.

Have fun.

All right. Love you. Bye.

God, you fucking word. What's going on with you?

Checkmate.

Yo, um... Dad?

Zach has a secret laptop.

Go into his room. It's in there.

You can watch Posh and Philly all you want, okay? Just don't tell him that I

told you where it was.

Why didn't you tell me that in the first place, Zach?

I'll help you look.

Wouldn't that have taken his laptop with him on vacation?

Uh, no. I think that this is his backup laptop.

He usually keeps it in the... Yeah, bedroom.

Eureka.

See, you can just... Post up right here on the bed and watch Posh and Philly

and... Yeah.

Damn.

Security code.

Uh, my mom's birthday.

Yay.

Impressive. Alright, well, I'll just bring up your show for you so you can

Posh and Philly and...

Oh my god.

Holy fuck. Okay, I can see why dad is hiding his laptop now.

Do you think mom knows he's watching porn?

Uh, definitely not.

I found this earlier.

You think they masturbate together? Yeah, get that away from me.

I don't know. I feel like if people weren't so secretive about porn, it

be so...

Naughty to watch.

Well, alright.

Let's just... Let's just minimize this window so he doesn't know that anybody

was on the computer.

And then you can watch Posh and Philly. Sound cool?

Whoa!

Why do you want to watch this?

Alright, you know what?

I'm going to leave you with that. You can watch porn.

All on your own. I'm going to watch the rest of this game.

Zach, aren't you curious what kind of porn he likes?

Uh, not particularly.

Stop! Look, it's just research, okay? It's not like we're getting off on it.

Besides, it's only going to be weird if you make me watch this on my own.

Jeff, uh, I don't really know about this.

Wow.

Isn't it so weird how he pressed inside her at an angle like that?

Yeah. I guess. I mean, that's how we're able to see the explicit stuff.

I don't know.

Look, it looks like it's stabbing her so awkwardly.

Like, we don't have to see everything, do we? We can at least use your

imagination. Yeah.

Guys can't use their imagination, Jessa.

Wow, you are so hard on your own sex.

I mean, look, like, wouldn't it be so much better if we could see her

authentically orgasm instead of dealing with all this penetration?

Yeah, I mean, they make porn like that. It's on those, like, pay site channels.

But I think only women, like, watch that.

Look, I like the way he's clapping his fingers around her and looking deep into

her eyes now. That's romantic.

That's passionate, you know?

I want to find a gentleman like that someday.

Yeah, but not a porn star, obviously.

I mean, why not?

As long as he doesn't wear himself out at work and comes home to make love to

passionately, why would I care? Ooh, how progressive.

Yeah, but he's got to have a cock like that, too.

God, look at him. Isn't he gorgeous?

No, I am not looking at dick size when I'm watching Tom.

So you wouldn't mind watching a guy with a four or five inch cock?

Um, actually, I would mind.

I read somewhere that the average dick size is like five inches.

This guy's got to be like seven at least.

No.

My dick is bigger than this guy's.

He's probably packing six.

You are not bigger than that.

Jessica, I am not going to talk to you about my penis size, okay? This is all

just very uncomfortable.

You brought it up.

You know, and you lie all the time.

And why would I care how big your penis is? Like... Hey, I'm telling the truth.

I'm just not about to prove the size of my dick to my deputy.

Mm -hmm.

Sure.

I can see your bulge.

I'd say you're probably an average five inches.

Fuckin' A, Jetta.

I'm not comfortable going full erect around you, you know?

What do you know about penises anyways?

Well, what do you know?

Kind of a virgin.

You're either a virgin or you're not.

Well, one time at a party last August, I let a guy put the tip in.

But I kept asking him to do just the tip, and then he put it all the way in.

It hurt, and I screamed, and it was awkward.

Who?

It doesn't matter, okay?

So long ago.

It was last August. Like, just drop it.

You are not going to a party without me from now on. It was all my idea anyway,

okay?

It's so sexy how her head falls back when she falls.

So how big was he?

Hmm?

How big was the dick?

Why are you so curious?

That's a gay question.

Hey, I was just wondering. It doesn't matter.

Okay,

come on, Brock. Why don't you just show it to me?

I want to see if you're telling the truth.

Come on. Let me see. No. Come on. No. No. That's inappropriate.

No. No.

Come on. That's ridiculous.

Zach. Come on. Just prove me wrong.

Alright.

I'll show you the outline.

Oh, look at our little friend.

See?

Happy? Oh, come on. Just a peek, please.

No. No.

It's ridiculous.

Really? Do you hear that? What is... Come

on, chicken boy.

Happy now?

You could leave it out if you want.

You know, so it can breathe.

It looks awfully cramped in your underwear.

I don't know what I just did. That was really stupid.

But I never lose a bet, though.

You probably just wanted to show it to me.

This is a good movie.

I feel it too.

You should relax.

I'm not going to tell anyone.

Besides, I'm just as much in the wrong as you are.

What?

You think I'm in the wrong?

Do you think it would be wrong to see mine?

Do you want to see mine?

I think I'm going to show you mine.

They're all different, you know.

Pussies.

Don't say pussies.

Why? You say pussies all the time when you're watching football.

Jesus.

I mean, pussies are all different.

I've seen so many, but I've always wondered if mine was pretty.

I know you wouldn't lie to me about that.

I...

Cannot look at yours.

I'm almost 19, so technically... All right. All right.

Just to soothe your concern about your vagina

being pretty, which I'm sure it is.

So what do you think?

Whoa, it just spasmed or something.

Yeah, it does that throbbing thing when I'm turned on.

And sometimes it hurts, too.

Hurts? Mm -hmm.

It aches, and it makes my mind cloudy, and I can't even think straight.

It makes me want to cry when I can't touch it.

Wow. Well, okay. I'm going to give you some privacy, then.

You know? No, no, no. Stay.

I want you to use Mom's dildo on me when I watch the movie. Mom's dildo?

It's not wrong if she never knows.

I mean, just like you and me in this dirty little show and tell we're doing.

know, for the record, I didn't want to.

Come on, Zach.

Look, if you do it for me, I can imagine this dong is the guy.

When I do it by myself, it's way too predictable.

If I'm alone, I'll be in here for hours.

It's not like I'm asking you to do anything sexual.

Only sexual if you think of it as a sexual act.

All I'm asking you to do is sit here and watch the movie with me and slide it in

and out at the same speed that he's fucking her.

Think of it as a game to test your hand -eye coordination.

Come on, stop acting holier than thou.

If you really didn't want to be here, you would have left already.

And you know you want to help me because you never do.

Do it.

You know, I think... God, you are so... annoying.

You know what? Jesus. Fine. I'll do it.

Not, not quite. Can you spit on it? It needs to be a little bit wetter. You do

it. I swear to God, Zachary.

Just shoot that big file.

You took me away.

Me out of the house to get my own place. God damn it.

You know, Jeff, it really just like...

Sorry, what else?

That's right.

You're not a video boy.

Why so curious?

Seven inches.

Okay, yeah, I think your nose just grew seven inches. Look at that.

You're not a real boy.

You have to stop doing that. I'm done with this fucking line. Holy shit.

Have you seen Eliza Schlesinger's Stand Up Freezing Hot?