Original subtitles

(Chuck) A lot of people think you need

some kind of clever title to sell a movie,

you know, like Good Will Humping;

Edward Penishands;

My Big, Fat Greek Ass; Touched by an Angel,

but ultimately the product has to speak for itself.

I haven't even really come up with a good title

for my next one.

I mean, I haven't even written the script yet,

but I'm thinking it needs to be something simple,

something elegant, like, uh...

what do you think of this one: Touché?

Catchy, huh?

[funky dance music]

♪

Yes, I want you to be in my film.

You want me to fuck some guy on camera?

(Chuck) Yes.

No way.

I've got my integrity.

[man moaning]

Please, I can't take any more.

The T-800 microprocessor plans--

give them to me.

[groaning] Oh, no.

I can't betray my country.

I'll give you anything: money, power--

Listen, understand I am an android.

I cannot be reasoned with.

I cannot be bargained with.

I do not feel remorse, pity, or fear.

And I absolutely will not stop ever, ever, ever.

I'm ready to go.

I'm ready to go now. I'm ready to go now.

(Chuck) Joe, you stay wide.

Frankie, move in for the pop shot.

Here we go. [beeping sound]

(Frank) Shit, roll out.

I got to reload something.

(Chuck) All right, Roxy, hold on.

Hold on.

I can't wait! I can't wait!

(Chuck) Yes, you can. Hold on now.

We got to get this in one take.

You're not gonna go until I say so.

How many feet you got left?

35.

All right, we got 45 seconds.

Just relax, all right?

Roxy, you got to fucking slow down.

You're killing me here.

Don't be such a wimp.

Shut up. No, you shut up.

You shut up.

(Chuck) Both of you shut up!

Listen to me!

Pearce, listen to me.

Take a deep breath. Calm down.

Focus on my voice.

Who's your favorite singer?

Dude, the King, man.

All right, name some of his number one hits.

Blue Suede Shoes, Don't Be Cruel,

Jailhouse Rock, you know, Suspicious Minds.

Teddy Bear. Last Train To Clarksville.

(Frank) Got it.

No, that's the Monkees.

Hurry up, go.

[Pearce moaning]

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on!

(Frank) Rolling feed.

Okay, ready, here we go, Roxy.

Go. Go. Go!

[moaning]

[cackles]

And slate, go!

Scene 24, Baker take one, and slate.

Roll out.

(Chuck) And cut! Print it!

Beautiful.

Now, that-- that is a pop shot.

(Roxy) I need some baby wipes.

(man) Get her some baby wipes.

[woman moaning]

[panting]

How's that?

[chuckling] That was good.

That was good?

That was great.

[laughs]

You know what would have made it better?

If you didn't walk through my entire shot.

Let me explain something to you, pal.

That's my camera.

You came right through the shot.

Damn it!

Now we have to do it again.

(Bernard) Right now on our planet at this very moment,

more than 30 million people are having sex.

5 million men and 1 million women

are receiving oral sex.

41 million are masturbating.

And just in the time that I've been talking to you,

more than a million people had an orgasm.

And yet the act of sex

has been perhaps the single most taboo subject

throughout the history of humanity.

As a result, adult entertainment,

despite being

a multi-multibillion-dollar worldwide industry,

exists in almost total anonymity.

My name is Bernard Heiman.

I'm here at Steak House Motion Picture Company

in Van Nuys, California.

Over the next few weeks,

I'll be tracking the production of an erotic film.

I hope to gain some insight into this shadowy industry

and the people that call it their profession.

Now, what you're about to see will be graphic, honest,

and quite possibly very offensive,

but if the statistics are any indication,

I'm sure you'll stick around to watch.

(Chuck) Come on, someone's--

come one, someone's got to have a good idea here.

(Pursey) Well, how about an underwater sex scene?

We could shoot on location.

Like a desert island, two castaways.

Ooh, yeah, great idea.

Maybe we could call it The Blue Lagoon.

Shut up, Lance.

I don't see you coming up with any great ideas.

All right, just hold on, guys.

Let's keep in mind, please, we got a $40,000 budget;

we're shooting this thing on film,

so think-- think inside the box.

A nice box, a clever box, but...

Okay, okay, you want ideas?

I got ideas.

I got an idea. I got it.

Okay, picture this...

We're in a club.

There's lots of smoke, loud music,

and there's go-go dancers in cages, you know,

a classy joint.

And there's this woman at the bar, and she's hot.

(Chuck) She sounds real original so far.

Hey, just give me a chance.

You know, I got to flow.

I got--I got to flow here.

She's hot; we're talking ten.

She's dressed for action.

But every guy that comes on to her get shot down.

Oh, she's a lesbian.

No, no, she's not a lesbian.

No, no, no.

Okay, she's a spy, right?

No, no, no, who said anything about a spy?

(Roxy) Oh, yeah, and she's blowing off all these losers

because she's going to look for one particular guy.

And that one particular guy has secrets she's going to steal.

And she's going to fuck him for those secrets.

Yes!

No, no, she's a hooker.

(Pursey) That's good.

(Chuck) Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

What's with you and hookers?

Hold on a second.

If she's looking for a guy, who is she looking for and why?

Look, I thought this was my idea.

He's a nuclear scientist

working on a secret government project.

That's good.

Oh, come on, you guys, this is the 21st century.

We need something-- I don't know--

to do with the internet or nanotechnology.

Okay, okay, he could be a computer scientist.

I hate computers.

No, no, no, but he could design microprocessors.

For robots. Yes.

Okay, okay, and the girl isn't just a spy;

she's a robot too.

(Lance) A hooker who's a robot?

Well, she could be, like, a--an android.

(Roxy) An android?

You mean like half robot and half human?

Exactly.

Your clothes, your clothes, give them to me.

Terminator 1.

Do you remember that, Terminator 1?

Your clothes, you give them to me.

So what, is she gonna, like-- like, screw guys to death

with her mechanical snatch?

Oh, Lance, that is so crude.

Oh...

Chuck, this is ridiculous.

You wanted ideas for a porno.

They're talking characters; they're talking plots.

Exactly.

What the hell do we want that for?

What are you talking about?

That is what people want, Lance.

People want plot; people want character.

You know, if you want wall-to-wall organza,

you go somewhere else.

Here we make films.

At--at the beginning of It's a Wonderful Life,

George Bailey's standing on the bridge.

You don't know who the hell he is.

You don't give a shit about him.

Then he comes back to the bridge,

same place later in the movie.

Now we are emotionally invested in him.

Now we care, right?

(Pearce) Yeah, yeah.

But there's going to be plenty of action.

Don't worry about it.

It comes from character.

The screwing should come from character.

(Pearce) Right.

This is going to be a great movie.

This is awesome.

(Lance) Look, can we at least have three-ways, gang bangs...

You know, we got to get some action going, you know?

All right, hold on a second.

Just hold on a second.

I like the android thing.

I think I could put something together from that.

So I'm going to get some stock.

I'm going to start working on this script.

I need you to make some calls for me, Roxy.

We're gonna need some extra actors.

We're gonna need a lot of extra actors.

We're gonna do something with this film

that we have never done before.

What?

What?

Triplets? Nuns?

[everyone talking simultaneously]

All good ideas, but no.

Ninjas! I bet it's ninjas. You love ninjas.

No, no, no, no, no.

Something I've always wanted-- hold on a second.

Something I've always wanted to do.

We are going to shoot

the world's largest orgy scene

ever put on film, a new world's record.

Yeah.

[Pursey laughs]

You like it?

Orgy.

We could do it.

[chanting] Orgy. Orgy.

[all chanting] Orgy. Orgy. Orgy! Orgy! Orgy!

(Chuck) Wait a minute.

Before you get all excited,

all that means is a lot of extra work for everybody here, right?

We only get one take.

We're going to have to dress this whole studio

to make it look great.

We're going to have a lot of extra people.

There's going to be a lot of extra work.

We're going to be under a huge time crunch.

Everyone's going to have to pitch in with the crew

pulling cable, working the lights, gripping,

all that kind of shit.

No one's going to be able to forget their lines.

Lance.

(Lance) Hey, I'm an organic actor.

I'm not supposed to memorize my lines.

Well, in that case, you're doing an excellent job.

Thank you very much.

The point is, I ask you just to consider all these things

before you start with your little crazy, happy orgy dance,

all right?

[all, chanting] Orgy! Orgy! Orgy! Orgy!

Orgy! Orgy! Orgy! Orgy!

(Bernard) So where did you get a name like Chuck Steak?

It's actually my real name.

Charles "Ste-ak," it's pronounced.

Really?

Yeah, my parents had a goofy sense of humor.

You got to stay in the car.

Will you put the camera down?

Please keep it down.

Are you getting this?

Hold this for me, will you?

[cackles]

I suppose I shouldn't ask what just happened.

No. No, you shouldn't.

What?

It's not stolen...technically.

I mean, you know, my buddy's a DP for a commercial house,

and they order tons of extra footage.

They never use all of it.

Every once in a while, some of it just, you know,

falls off the back of his truck.

They never miss it,

and I just saved myself about three grand.

I see.

Also I know a guy who works up here at the processing plant.

Yeah?

Every once in a while, he likes to come by the set,

talk to the girls.

He lets some of my footage slip through unnoticed,

saves me another $1,500.

Seems like you know all the tricks.

Well, I've been in the business a long time.

How long is a long time?

[sighs]

Well, I started--yeah, started almost 25 years ago.

That's quite a career.

Yeah, well, you know, it pays the bills.

So do you feel like you still have the same passion for it

as you used to?

Ah, I don't know.

It's funny that you ask me that.

Oh, jeez, not again.

These people...

Who are they?

Oh, just a bunch of old coots from the neighborhood here.

I cannot believe you people

have nothing better to do with your lives!

Get a job, for crying out loud.

(Bernard) I take it they've been here before?

Yeah, and you know what?

It really makes no sense.

There's nothing evil or violent in my films.

My films are all about intimacy and beauty and love

between two people.

Eh, sometimes three or four,

sometimes there's a prosthetic penis involved, yes,

but there's nothing bad about them.

Camera department, I got the stocks.

Stick that in the fridge, will you?

You know, the point is, ordinary people,

people like me, you,

even these pinched-up kooks out there,

we have sex every day.

It makes people happy.

It's beautiful, and it's totally natural.

Now, violence--

violence, on the other hand, that's not natural.

Yeah, I know it happens in real life sometimes,

not all the time.

The point is, every single day in movies and in TV--

Hey, Pearce, how are you?

Good to see you.

How's that?

You know, in movies-- kids' movies I'm talking about--

you see the most disgusting, horrific crimes.

When did it become okay to show murders on TV?

They're showing rapes in PG movies.

It's ridiculous.

I show a guy getting his head blown off by a shotgun,

people stand up and cheer,

but God forbid I show a penis and a vagina.

Suddenly I'm the Hitler of pussy.

It makes no sense.

Then I got the government crawling up my ass.

I got these protesters making my life miserable,

trying to push me out of business.

I mean... [sighs]

What is the message we're sending our kids, huh?

That--that sex and love is bad

and violence--violence is just a part of everyday life?

[sighs]

The kind of thing that makes me crazy!

You people, you pathetic losers, you should get a life!

[people shouting]

Yeah? Uh!

[flowerpot shatters]

Yeah, I saw that on The Three Stooges movie.

Go sue Curly, you rat bastards!

[crowd murmuring]

(man) Call 911.

Oh, man.

What were we talking about?

(woman) And dart not scornful glances from those eyes

to wound thy lord, thy king, thy governor.

It blots thy beauty as frosts do bite the meads,

confounds thy fame as whirlwinds shake fair buds,

and in no sense is meet or amiable.

A woman moved is like a fountain troubled,

muddy, ill-seeming, thick, bereft of beauty,

and while it is so, none so dry or thirsty

will deign to sip or touch one drop of it.

Yeah.

[applause]

That was great.

Incredible. Brilliant.

Exactly gr-- that was awesome.

All right, take off your shirt.

That's great.

[chuckling] What?

Come on, come on, release the hounds.

Let's go; I got a bunch of people waiting.

Screw you.

Oh, wha-- what are you talk--

What did you think this audition was for?

My agent told me this was a professional movie,

not some two-bit sleaze.

I'm a professional actor, not some whore.

[defensively] Oh! Oh!

Hold on! Hold on, honey!

This is a professional movie.

Welcome to Hollywood.

And these women are not whores, your highness.

They're professional actresses just like you.

Just because they didn't memorize Katharina's speech

from Taming of the Shrew--

yeah, guess what; I recognized it--

doesn't make you any better than them.

Okay, I'm sorry.

They're not whores.

You're all professionals, and I'm out of here.

Oh, oh, hold on.

What--what if you had to do a nude love scene

with Keanu Reeves or Brad Pitt?

Would you take the role?

If and only if it advances the plot,

not just some arbitrary nudity.

You are such a hypocrite. Take a walk.

I don't have time for this bullshit.

Get out of here. Go.

Wait a minute; why am I a hypocrite

just because I won't get naked in your little porn flick

but I would for a real director in a real movie?

No, you are a hypocrite

because you'd screw Brad Pitt or Keanu Reeves

'cause they're big Hollywood stars.

No, I wouldn't.

Only if it advances the plot.

Oh-ho-ho, man.

I could have told you she'd come up with that.

Are you kidding me?

Advances the plot bullshit.

You don't need nudity to advance a plot.

Ingrid Bergman never took off her clothes.

Donna Reed never took off her clothes.

Lauren Bacall never took off her clothes.

And they were hot actresses.

Oh, yeah, they were, but that was a whole different era.

[scoffs]

Yes, yes, it was, but you-- you can't find a modern film

better than Casablanca or African Queen

or It's a Wonderful Life or The Philadelphia Story.

You don't need nudity for eroticism or a sexy love scene.

You don't need it, but I'll tell you what.

You know what?

Sex sells.

That's a fact, and you got to deal with that

if you want to work in this business.

If you think this is all about the art and only about the art,

you're deluding yourself, honey.

Go fuck yourself.

Oh, ow.

Okay, bye-bye.

Hey, have a great career at Chuck E. Cheese.

Don't get any of that goo on you.

The next time a kid pukes on your furry feet,

you think of us!

[laughter]

I liked her.

Put her down for a callback, 'cause she was good,

don't you think?

Yeah.

[funky electronic music]

♪

Whoo-hoo!

Feeling her?

Whoo-hoo!

Nice.

All right, we'll give you $500 a day.

We'll provide you with a wardrobe

that you get to keep after the shoot's over;

meals, obviously, catered on set;

and a per diem, a pretty generous per diem.

What do you say?

I get my own driver, right?

Uh, can you drive stick?

Yeah, yeah, I can drive.

Yeah, he'll drive you.

Okay.

[funky electronic music]

♪

Whoo-hoo!

All right, the pay is $75 a day.

Bring your own wardrobe, cover all your own expenses,

and you got to be here on time.

All right.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

And bring your own lunch!

Yeah!

(Roxy) He's Sally's.

(Sally) Thanks, Rox.

(Roxy) What do you mean "old pro"?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean any offense.

I'm not old.

Let's not even get into the "pro" part.

Well, what--what would you like to be called?

How about just actress?

Okay, well, that brings up an excellent question.

Do you consider yourself to be a real actress?

Because, I mean, you know, a lot of people would say

that you really don't do any acting at all.

You're just having sex in front of a camera.

All right.

I mean, to be honest, you're probably right.

I really get into sex.

In fact, sometimes I forget that camera's even there,

so in that sense, yeah, I don't have to act.

Yeah, but don't you ever have to, you know, like, fake it?

[huskily] Oh, no, no.

I really love sex.

I mean, sex all the time.

Some of the girls are in it just for the money,

but they don't last long.

Nope.

When I moan or scream or squirt on camera--

Um...squirt?

Come.

Oh.

One time, I squirted so hard, I hit the lens.

I mean, it just sprayed the camera.

[laughs]

Chuck really liked that.

No, no, when I'm having an orgasm, it's real,

every single time.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

In fact, just talking about it gets me a little wet.

How about you?

Me?

Mm-hmm. I--

Just--just talking about it, does it get you going a little?

[chuckles shyly] Um, yes, a little bit, actually.

I'm gonna make you a deal.

You make me look good in your film--

none of that "old pro" shit--

and I'll slap your little giant behind the ears.

I'm really good with my hands.

Um, I'm--I'm sure that's more than true,

but I think that would be kind of against

the documentary filmmaking code,

you know what I'm saying?

Oh, come on, it'll be fun.

I'll even let you tape it.

It'd be like our little secret film.

Uh, are you serious?

Like, right-- right here?

[whispers] Come on.

Let's get this cake started.

[pants]

[chuckling] Whoa.

Whoo! Whoo!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, slow down, cowboy.

Come on.

[chuckles excitedly]

Don't you want me to suck your cock?

[breathily] Yeah. Yeah.

Ooh.

Want to lick my pussy?

Oh, very much.

[panting]

Does it feel good? Huh?

Yeah.

Ooh.

You want to fuck the shit out of me?

Oh, God, yeah.

Sorry, I can't do it.

I was just acting.

But then again, you already knew that,

because I can't really act, you arrogant little prick.

(Frank) All right,

we need the two Eclairs, that box of primes,

those sticks.

I got three in here.

Okay, good. Get those loaded.

All right.

[drill buzzing]

Yeah, good, good, good.

(Bernard) So you fixed it.

Yeah, it's amazing what you can do

with a little duct tape, huh?

May I?

Uh, yeah.

Hi.

(Bernard) Hi.

So what is your name?

I'm Pussy Galore.

[laughs]

Really? Yeah.

[imitating Sean Connery] I must be dreaming.

That's pretty good.

I'm a big, big James Bond fan.

Really?

So is my mom.

Her favorite movie ever is Goldfinger.

That's why she named me Pursey.

That's my real name, Pursey Galore,

but I like Pussy better, don't you?

Hmm?

[both chuckle]

Pussy Galore.

That was Honor Blackman, 1964.

Yup.

But I think you're even prettier than she was.

You can turn off the charm.

I'm immune.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, uh, wait, I was just...

That's her line from the movie Goldfinger.

Right.

[laughs] The movie.

Well, did you know, in Ian Fleming's novel,

Pussy Galore is a lesbian until she meets her James Bond,

of course.

So, um, are you a lesbian?

Why, do you think you can straighten me out?

Huh?

No, no, I was--

I only like guys.

Don't worry.

[laughs]

You know, you're the, um, cutest documentary filmmaker

I believe I've ever met.

Please sit. Thank you.

Thank you.

Don't tell me: I'm the only documentary filmmaker

you've ever met, right?

[chuckles]

Thought so.

You look too young to be making films anyway.

Oh, I look too young?

[laughing] Yeah.

How old are you?

How many of these have you made?

I'm 28.

This'll be-- this'll be my third.

Hmm.

Third film. And you?

I'm 20. This is my second film.

Okay, well, actually my first and a half.

I had a small role in Chuck's last film,

but pretty good for only being here a few weeks, huh?

Absolutely. Yeah.

What, uh--what were you doing before?

Web design

and network administration.

[chuckling] No...

I swear, I have an AA in computers.

I don't need the money.

I'm just doing this for fun.

I have a hard time believing that somebody in--

[buzzer ringing]

Oh, hold on.

[slowly] Speaking of which,

the network's down.

I've got to go.

Okay. Yeah.

Um, will I see you later?

Uh, yes, yes.

I mean, I have a lot more questions for you,

so, you know, whenever it's convenient for you.

Oh, good. Okay.

Well, then how about you talk to Nikki here?

She'll keep you entertained till I get back.

[chuckling] All right.

Um, hi, I'm, uh--

Yeah, I know who you are.

What do you want?

Nikki, be nice.

I just--just want to ask you a couple questions.

It'll take a few minutes, okay?

Are you part of the cast or part of the crew?

Yes. Can I go now?

Was that "yes," you're a part of the cast,

or "yes," you're a part of the crew?

I'm a fluffer.

Okay, and what is that?

You're kidding, right?

You don't know what a fluffer does?

Haven't you done any research?

I thought you documentary guys were supposed to be smart.

Look, there's no need to be rude.

At least I'm not stupid.

What?

Oh, I'm sorry, was I being a little too subtle for you?

You're stupid.

[Gary laughs]

Shut up, Gary.

No, you shut your festering gob, you tit.

Your type really makes me puke,

you vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous pervert.

[chuckles]

You are just some kind

of an evil bitch, aren't you?

[snickers]

Come on, I'm just pushing your buttons.

What? No, screw that.

You--you are not going to be in my film.

You can--shut--stop.

Looks like you're pitching a little tent there, aren't you?

You see, that's what a fluffer does.

I get you all hot and bothered.

I--I don't understand.

I keep actors erect in between takes.

[chuckles]

It's a special talent I have.

It's--I know what you want.

W-w-why must you be so abusive?

Because that's what you needed,

and that's what I had to give you.

Did you like the "vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous" part?

It's Monty Python.

[laughs]

Huh.

Now, your cameraman over there, what's his name?

Gary.

Gary.

[chuckles]

He's easy.

What do you say...

you put this on

and you bark like the sissy dog that you are?

Huh?

(Gary) Damn.

You see?

Yeah, it's amazing.

(Bernard) Some talent you got.

[laughs]

It's a talent and a curse.

See, I don't really like sex.

It's just so messy.

But the pay is good,

and I don't have to touch anybody.

(man) Nikki, we need you out there.

All right.

Hold on just a second.

Is there anyone that you can't, uh--

you know, anyone your charms don't work on?

No, not that I've found, mm-mm.

I mean, there's Lance, of course, but, you know,

that's just-- he's a whole different story.

Why is that?

You don't know about Lance?

You're not gonna call me stupid again, are you?

I better not.

Otherwise you'll have to go home and change your pants.

Why don't you go ask Lance why he got into porn?

I don't think you'll be disappointed.

Toodles.

(Lance) Well, I guess you'd have to say it was a sign from God.

A sign-- what kind of sign?

You don't...

God gave me a 42-inch dick.

H-h-holy shit.

Why else would God give a man a 42-inch braciola

if not to go into show business, huh?

[laughs]

I, uh...holy shit.

Are you okay?

You look a little pale.

You all right?

Yeah. Good.

Uh, I just don't-- don't know what to say.

Hey, forget about it.

Happens all the time.

It's, uh--what do you call it-- penis envy, you know?

Just relax. Take a few deep breaths.

You'll be fine in a minute.

It's, uh--it's...

3 1/2 feet long. Yeah, I know.

So h-how is it that I've never heard of you,

I mean, on TV, on the news?

Oh, you know, it's not exactly mainstream news,

you know?

Certain circles, I'm pretty well known.

Um, so, uh--

well, God, that's got to be a world record, right?

[sighs loudly]

Supposedly there's this guy in the Amazon with a 44-inch dick,

so they got to mount some kind of expedition

before they put me in the record books,

you know, just to make sure.

It's political bullshit.

Well, does it...

How do I say?

Does it work normally?

What, an erection?

Yeah.

Absolutely. On command.

[snaps]

Oh, hey, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I should have warned you.

I hate when that happens.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine, a little light-headed,

but, uh, okay.

[keyboard keys clacking]

(Bernard) So are you still working on the script?

Yeah, yeah, I got a couple of--

I got, like, two scenes to finish.

I got--I got to come up with a good ending, you know?

[sighs]

We gonna be lit in 15?

(Joe) Yeah.

All right, first shot's in 15, people. Let's go.

Now, if--if the script isn't finished yet,

then why don't you just delay production for a couple of days?

[chuckles]

Where's the challenge in that?

Eh, I'm not worried.

I got a great crew; I got a great cast.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Hey, Frankie.

(Frank) Yeah?

How many extras we got?

(Frank) Uh, well...

Look, I know you asked for 30,

but we're only going to get about 15

because there was a big accident on the 405.

They're all tied up.

[sighing] How we doing on time?

We got to shoot it now.

All right, you know what?

Just get everybody who's not working, throw them into makeup.

Get Nikki and Jimmy.

Get the valet guy and have him...

Mitch too?

Yeah, get Mitch.

Get everybody, including you.

You could, uh-- I don't know.

You could be a...

Dancer? Go-go dancer, yes.

No, no, no, I don't dance,

and, you know,

it would be against the documentary filmmaking code.

There's, like, a code.

Well, my porn code trumps your documentary code,

so go ahead; get in makeup.

And while you're at it, Starsky, lose the jacket.

No...

[explosion]

[angrily] God! That's my computer!

God damn it!

(Joe) Sorry, Chuck.

Sorry?

[Joe coughing]

Joey, if you were not my cousin,

you would never work in this town again.

[sighs]

[explosion]

[sighs]

[fire alarm ringing]

Oh, no, nothing can rattle Chuck.

He's the best.

You know, I've been working with him for most of my career.

We're kind of like the Rat Pack,

me, Roxy, Pearce, Lance.

We've done, like, 75 films together with Chuck.

I don't think Roxy's worked for another director

in God knows how long.

Oh, of course, she's been dating him on and off for years,

so that's kind of partly why.

Wouldn't you rather be working in mainstream Hollywood films?

Oh, no way.

Oh, my God, do you know how sleazy Hollywood is?

(woman) You're all done.

(Sally) Thanks, honey. Thanks.

We're ready, Chuck.

Okay, roll sound. Roll cameras.

Speed. Speed.

Scene two, take one, marker.

All right,

and everybody having fun,

partying, partying, partying.

And action.

[upbeat rock music]

♪

Hey, baby, can I buy you a drink?

[robotically] Go away.

I am not interested.

Oh, come on, baby, give me a try.

I'm hung like a horse.

(Sally) Hey.

Why not give me a try?

Ooh, what's your name?

Sarah. And you are?

Kyle, Kyle Reese.

So, Kyle, can you dance?

I know a few good moves.

[moans]

Come on, let's check out the VIP room.

(woman) ♪ Explosion.

[Sally and Rick moaning]

Oh, yeah.

(Chuck) Good. good.

All right, Rick, get ready for the pop shot.

Yeah. Yeah.

[Sally and Rick moaning]

Good.

All right, here we go.

Show me the money.

(Rick) Oh, God!

Ahhh, very nice.

And...cut it.

Beautiful.

All right, excellent work, everybody.

Print that.

Nicely done.

Get them their robes.

Next setup, everybody!

(Bernard) Hey, Chuck?

Yeah?

Um, why does every sex scene have to end the same way?

You mean the galaxy?

I'm sorry, the galaxy?

The Milky Way.

[chuckling] Right.

Well, you know, that never happens in real life.

Really? Where you been, man?

You know people do it with the lights on now?

[chuckles]

Actually, it goes back

to the father of modern cinema himself,

François Lumière.

In 1886, Lumière gave us the first porn.

You know what else those frogs gave us that year?

What? Statue of Liberty.

Oh. Yeah.

Read a book; it's fun.

So Lumière shoots this film.

It's just a man and a woman going at it, no plot.

Grrah, rah, rah, rah.

People see it, and they freak out.

They've never seen film before, let alone this.

But some people thought it was, like, fake.

They didn't believe it, and, uh--hold on one second.

Hey, Frankie?

It's up here, and then we'll track down here.

We'll end up over by the storage shed

in about five, all right?

And these extras got to be out of here by then, okay?

Where was I? The French.

French, right.

So Lumière gets upset that people don't believe

that his movie is real, so he goes, he shoots it again,

but you know what he does?

This time, he has the guy pull out,

the camera moves in, and la boum!

Oh, jeez. [laughs]

They never doubted him again.

I guess not.

That's a true story.

I guess we can blame it all on the French, huh?

[chuckling] Yeah, I guess so.

Hey, and who am I

to ruin a 100-year-old cinematic tradition?

Here, baby wipe.

(Roxy) Okay, now do one more.

All the way to the top.

[laughs]

That's good.

Oh, that's perfect.

It's going.

This is it.

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug!

Okay, one for me.

No, that's it.

I can't take any more.

You know the rules.

I can't.

I drink another one of these things,

I'm just gonna-- I'm gonna puke.

Drink it.

Look, I can't drink another glass, all right?

I'm just talking to Chuck.

[laughs]

You are such a fucking pussy.

I think we made him mad.

Hey, hey, hey, what was that?

What are you guys making him drink?

Oh, well, that's one of the tricks of the trade:

pineapple juice.

Yeah? Mm-hmm.

Why pineapple juice?

Makes his dick bigger.

[chuckles]

Pineapple juice, it, um--

it makes him, you know, taste better.

I don't follow.

You know, his, um, stuff.

Baby batter. Spew. Splooge. Man juice.

Goop. Come.

Makes his come tastes better, sweet instead of bitter.

Yeah.

Uh-huh. Really?

Oh, yeah.

It makes a big difference.

You have to look like you like it.

Obviously you don't have to swallow, you know,

when you're, um, kissing him down there.

I think what Pursey's trying to say

is that when you're sucking a guy off on camera,

it doesn't look good when you go, "Ecch!"

when he comes in your mouth.

Ah. Uh-huh.

Where did you learn that?

Roxy taught me.

She's one of the smartest women I know.

You think?

It's true.

Okay, okay, okay,

Chuck says that I have to drink one more, but that is it.

Ohh.

You know, I heard this story one time.

I think it happened in, like, Chile or Argentina,

something like that.

Anyway, this girl goes down on this guy, right?

Mm-hmm.

So while she's down there, she swallows.

Okay, boyfriend walks in, freaks out, shoots her.

The bullet makes a hole

between her stomach and her fallopian tubes,

and she gets pregnant.

Kicker is, she's a virgin.

True story.

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Well, that makes perfect sense.

The sperm went into her stomach, through the hole, down the tube.

Yeah.

No, that--that's impossible, all right?

First of all, your stomach is full of hydrochloric acid,

all right, and nothing can live in hydrochloric acid.

And secondly, what the fuck does that story

have to do with anything?

Don't you talk to her like that.

All right, everyone, we need you on set.

Okay, first of all, what about ulcers, huh?

What?

Okay, well, most ulcers are caused

by helicobacter pylori bacteria which lives in the stomach,

and it's perfectly happy swimming around all day long

in hydrochloric acid.

Look, just because I'm young and I do the nasty for a living

doesn't mean I'm dumb.

I never said that.

And second of all, that's what came to my head,

so I said it.

So you just fucking say whatever the fuck comes into your head?

(Chuck) Come on, let's go!

Shouldn't be telling me what the fuck

or what not the fuck to fucking say in my own English.

First positions, everybody.

(man) C&T, take one.

All right, find your happy place, people.

Sucker, sucker, sucker.

Get his sucker.

All right, everybody settled.

You're madly in love.

Ready...action.

(Pursey) Quick, hide in here.

Go!

(Pearce) No, no, she'll find me. I know it.

(Pursey) It's okay.

We'll be safe here for a few minutes.

No, that--that--that robot or whatever she is,

she's going to-- she's going to kill me.

Shh.

You're too tense, baby.

You have to relax.

Wait, how-- how can I relax?

I know that if she finds my...

Shh.

My T-800 microprocessor plans, she'll kill me.

Shh.

I know just what to do.

[pants]

[moans]

And...cut.

Great, everybody.

All right, excellent work.

Let's move on to the next setup.

Let's set up for this tracking shot here.

[sighs lightly]

Mmm, sweet as sugar.

Hey, suck it, okay?

[laughing] You're clever.

Huh?

Pursey. Pursey.

You were great. Hey.

You were really great.

Oh, really? Yeah.

Thanks. Yeah.

Bet you say that to all the girls, huh?

No, I don't, just you.

[laughing] You liar.

You know, Chuck gave me a copy of your first film,

and I watched it last night, and you were really very good.

Very believable as an actress.

Cool.

So what else were you doing while you watched me, hmm?

What? Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

It was just research.

Right. That's all.

Well, coincidentally, I saw your last film too.

No, you didn't.

Machu Picchu and the Inca Trail?

It was a bit too talky, but I liked it.

You're really talented.

Thank you.

How in the world did you ever--

Downloaded off the internet.

It's pretty amazing what you can find on the web, huh?

(Bernard) I'm amazed that thing still works.

[chuckling] I know.

Pursey fixed it for me.

That girl is a whiz with computers.

Beautiful and smart, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

What she is doing in porn, I have no idea.

Yeah, where did you find her?

I didn't. She found us.

She just came around one day looking for a gig.

[chuckles]

Are you--are you still working on the script there?

No, no, I'm researching orgies on the internet.

Oh.

Do you know that the world's largest filmed orgy

was shot in 1998

and there were only 26 people in it?

That's it.

We're gonna have 30, 35 people at least,

so we're gonna blow that world's record off the map.

[chuckles]

Not bad for my last film, huh?

Your last film?

Yeah, well, it's not 100% sure yet, so please, you know,

don't go talking about it, Gary.

But yeah, I figure I'm going to finish the film

and just retire.

Just like that?

(Frank) Bye, Chuck. See you tomorrow.

Yeah, see you, Frankie.

No, not just like that.

I've done 300 movies, you know?

I just don't have the same passion for filmmaking

that I used to.

So I just figured, you know, do one last great, big movie

and then just shut it down,

do something else.

Go out on top.

[crickets chirping]

(Bernard) Pursey!

Pursey.

Hi. Hey.

Where you going? You going home?

No, I'm just headed out to get some dinner.

Well, do you-- do you want company?

'Cause, I mean, I got questions to ask you and stuff.

We could...

I'd love to, but I already have plans.

Oh, okay.

Jealous?

No!

No, of course not.

Well, maybe you should be.

[chuckling] Look, I'm a professional, okay?

I--

I'll take a rain check on dinner.

(Roxy) I know one that's perfect for you.

Look, here's your cock.

Come on, give me a good, hard edge, okay?

There's your cock.

Mm-hmm.

Here's your balls.

Okay.

Well, actually, this is your cock.

Uh, thank you very much.

Okay, it's not funny.

[laughing] Come on.

Come on, lighten up.

Come on, we're just kiddin'.

Come on, jeez.

Okay, come on, all right?

Okay.

Come on, Skippy.

Here's your cock.

Mm-hmm. All right?

Here's your balls.

Okay.

Strap it on like this.

Mm-hmm.

Here.

Snug but not too tight.

You'll stay hard as a rock till you peel it off.

That's amazing.

There you go, Speedy, all yours.

I'm just guessing you need it.

Uh...

Come on, don't lie to your mama.

[Gary laughs]

Shut up, Gary.

[laughs]

Go on, get out of here.

[sighing] God.

(Pursey) I think you have Roxy all wrong.

I know sometimes she can seem

a little sarcastic and tough.

Like, mean, just mean.

[laughs]

Look, you have to spend more time with her, all right?

She's--she's really very sweet and nice.

Are we talking about the same Roxy?

Look, did you know Roxy put herself through college

when she was 25, huh?

Come here, you got an eyelash.

And--and did you know that Roxy volunteers at the Getty Center

or that she's never been married?

No, I didn't know that.

See, there's a lot of things you don't know.

Well, I know something you don't know.

Oh, really? Mm-hmm.

What's that?

I'm not gonna tell you.

I promised.

Make a wish.

Okay.

[blows]

Now are you gonna tell me your secret?

Mm-mm.

We have ways of making men talk, you know.

Yeah.

[laughs]

Not till you tell me your secret.

Okay.

[laughs]

After this film, Chuck is retiring,

and he's going to shut down the production company.

Oh, that-- that's not good.

What?

No, this-- this changes things.

What? What does it change?

Look, you have to promise you don't tell anyone

about Chuck's retiring, okay?

Um, w-why?

Just promise.

Um, okay.

And be nice to Roxy, okay?

Please?

Yeah.

Okay.

I--I have to go.

[Roxy moans]

(Chuck) Good.

All right, twist over.

Give me a little pose.

Good. All right.

[moans deeply]

That's it. Good.

Hey, come on over here.

I won't bite.

(Chuck) Come on, keep it up.

Are you sure it's okay?

I'll be nice.

Pursey convinced me you weren't such a bad guy after all.

[whispering] Really? What did she say?

You don't have to whisper.

We're doing this M.O.S.

M.O.S.?

(Chuck) All right, now get up on your-- get me a little Scooby.

(Roxy) Yeah, M.O.S.

It means "without sound."

The first filmmakers in Hollywood were German,

and they used to say,

"We will shoot the next shot mithout sound."

M.O.S.

And it just stuck.

Pretty cool story, huh?

(Chuck) Yeah, it's fascinating.

All right, give me a little, uh--

give me a little stand and scoop.

(Roxy) Okay.

(Chuck) Good.

Come on over here. Come on over here.

(Chuck) Need you a little higher.

Like that? Like this?

(Chuck) Yes, very good. All right.

Okay, is that good?

Aren't I in the shot?

(Chuck) Give me a little bit back.

Well, how is it that you know so much about cinema history?

[moans]

I majored in cinema,

specializing in pre-1920 film history.

So if you have any questions about Robert Fina

or the German expressionists

or an early D.W. Griffith, you know who to ask.

Ooh. That's very impressive.

(Chuck) Oh, yeah, slap her ass a couple times.

[loud smack]

Ah!

Just because I'm a porn star...

Is that all you got, baby?

Doesn't mean I'm stu--oh!

Stupid.

(Chuck) Hee-hee!

No, I--I just need to quit underestimating you, I guess.

All right, now, get up. Give me a little trigger.

[panting]

So how many kids have you had?

What makes you think I have kids?

Well, that scar, that's from a C-section, right?

(Chuck) And...great! That's good.

Cut it.

(Sally) You talking about that?

Yeah.

(Chuck) Print it. Beautiful.

I'm just curious.

It's nothing, okay?

Can I have a robe, please?

(Bernard) I--I mean, I don't mean to,

but I spent two years premed,

and I recognize a C-section scar.

Hey, I thought that was your hernia oper--

Rox, I've known you your whole life.

When the hell were you pregnant?

(Chuck) Roxy, you were pregnant?

Would everybody just stop ganging up on me, please?

Hey, Rox, Rox, Rox, I'm your friend.

Listen, you don't want to talk about it, that's fine.

It's okay.

No, it's just...

You know, I was 19, unmarried, and a porn star.

Starting a family just didn't seem like

the right thing to do at the time.

You were 19... [gasps]

You--your big European vacation?

Yeah, I was with my aunt in Fresno, so now you know.

Okay.

Oh, hey, just don't tell anybody, okay?

Me?

Rox...

I was worried about this.

Roxy. Roxy.

Hey, um, I didn't mean to offend you.

I think I have to stop underestimating you.

Yeah, look, could I just ask you a few more questions?

No, you can't, you fuck.

Yeah, it can be very difficult

having a normal social life in this business.

I mean, there's such a powerful stigma

attached to what we do that half the time,

even your own family won't stick behind you.

And relationships--pfft.

[sighs]

I mean, sometimes I think about it.

I do, I think about marriage, working a steady job,

[voice cracks] having a ba--baby.

But deep, deep down, way deep where I don't like to go,

I'm not a very happy person.

[chortles]

I'm just messing with you, man.

I get to screw hot chicks all day long.

What else could I ask for, right?

[laughs]

Um...

remember how I told you I have a secret?

Yeah.

Well, I think I trust you enough I can tell you now.

Great.

But you have to promise not to tell anyone, all right?

Okay.

I'm serious. I swear.

You can't show this to anyone, not unless I say it's okay.

Okay, I swear.

I won't.

Roxy's my mother, but she doesn't know it yet.

W--what?

What are you talking about?

20 years so, Roxy gave--

she gave me up for adoption.

Roxy's my biological mother.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

You're--you're sure about this?

I spent almost a year tracking down the records.

Well, then you're not here by accident, are you?

No.

I have to find out if my mother wants me back.

And if she doesn't?

I don't want to think about that.

Well, why don't you just tell her, you know?

I mean, what have you got to lose?

No, I--I can't do that yet.

She'd probably say anything to spare my feelings, you know?

I need to know the truth, whatever that is.

Oh, my God, you never did a scene with her, did you?

[laughing] No, you pervert.

I don't do girl-girl. I told you that.

Right, right, right, right.

[laughs]

God, I--I don't know how Roxy's going to react

to this kind of news.

Yeah, well, I--I was kind of hoping we could

work together a few months before I told her.

You know, hang out and be friends, but--

But then Chuck said that he was going to retire

and shut down the production company.

Right, so...

now I need your help.

What do you want me to do?

You want me to tell her for you?

No, no, no, no.

I just--I want you to, you know, be nosy.

I mean, obviously you're good at that.

Just...I want you to get her to talk about being pregnant

and giving her baby up for adoption.

Find out why she did it and--and if she regrets it.

You know, she's pretty sharp.

If I just start, you know, poking around,

she's--she's gonna suspect something.

It's not going to be easy.

Well, I was thinking if you're successful,

I could make it worth your while.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

[laughs]

Like how?

Like this.

Well, I got to go.

Ah...

See you later, Bernie.

Yeah.

[swords clashing]

En garde!

Ow!

[swords clashing]

Uh!

Yah!

Ah!

Fah!

(Chuck) Hold!

Great, great, great, great, guys.

All right, get in there.

Take their exact positions.

See how he's turned away?

Come on, hurry.

And...action.

This damage is minor.

Whoa-a-a-o-o!

You will tell me what I want to know.

Never!

(Chuck) And...cut.

Excellent work.

Excellent work, everybody.

Great work, guys.

Good job. Really nice.

All right, that is lunch, one hour.

We get it? Great.

Chuck? Yeah?

Remind me again what this movie has to do with ninjas.

Nothing. Nothing.

It doesn't matter.

Rule number one in filmmaking: everybody loves a ninja fight.

It doesn't have to make sense.

Actually, you know what?

That's probably rule number two.

Rule number one is, you never work with chimps or kids,

you know, unless you're making a movie about chimps and kids.

Then it's a necessary evil.

But other than that, forget about it.

Excuse me, ladies.

Do you have a minute where we might talk,

ask you a few questions?

Okay, sure, we got some time.

Well, actually, I got to make a phone call,

so why don't you two talk?

Okay.

Hmm.

So, Marcus Welby, what do you want to know this time?

Um, well, let's start with the early days of your career.

When--how did you first get involved in film?

What was your first movie?

There's a really original question.

My first film was Red Hot Star Whores.

It was in 1979.

I was just 18 years old.

1979...

Wait, if you were 18 in 1979...

Did I say 1979?

I meant 1989.

Sal, remember that first film we did, Red Hot Star Whores?

Oh, oh, my God.

[laughing] God, that was fun.

How many years ago was that?

Remember that scene with the lightsabers?

Remember?

Oh, wait; wait; wait; wait.

I think--wait; wait.

Oh.

You star whore!

I'll kill you, Princess Lay,

before I let you steal Luke Skysucker from me.

Oh, yeah?

We'll see what he says after I tell him

that you fucked his Wookie.

You rebel bitch!

You star whore!

I bet you'd fuck Darth Vibrator over there

if you got the chance.

Chick fight--yeah.

You'll pay for that.

[lightsaber humming]

Uh!

[R2-D2 beeping]

[sparks crackling]

Ooh, sorry, R2.

[lightsabers humming]

Warning. Warning.

Danger. Danger.

Oh!

If you kill me, I'll become stronger than you can imagine.

Ah!

Now...

do you like that?

Hmm?

Tell me the location of the secret rebel base.

Never.

I can't.

Now, can you feel the force flowing inside of you?

Oh!

[Roxy moaning]

[laughter]

All right, all right, all right, enough.

Enough, all right?

Everyone has a first time.

Yes, I don't even know where the hell you found that.

That's from 1979.

You know what?

A classic is a classic.

Classic, my ass.

I lost my ass on that movie.

I spent my entire budget on the special effects.

(Roxy) You didn't lose that much money.

Oh, please. Come on.

I was young; I thought I was gonna,

you know, change the world with my movies.

You know, I would never make it again.

We had a great time.

We had a great--didn't we?

We had a great time.

We had a fantastic time.

You know, but the truth of the matter is,

you are looking at the only person

in this godforsaken industry who takes pride in his work.

It's true.

I take pride in my work.

And how long have you been here, 2 1/2 seconds?

I mean, why don't you come back in a few years?

Then tell us how you feel.

Oh, okay, so you don't put any pride in your work?

Please. I've seen how hard you work.

I take pride in my work.

[everyone talking simultaneously]

It's all good.

Let's go back to work.

It's--thank you.

(Bernard) Hey, Roxy.

I just wanted to ask you a couple of questions

if you could spare... a minute.

It's on a cord.

All right.

I think this is the best you're gonna--you're gonna get it.

All right.

So, Roxy, how old were you when you first got into, uh...

Okay.

(Lance) Where are my muggers?

(Chuck) Come on, just get it.

All right, fine, fine, fine.

Let's get out of here.

21 Charlie, take one.

And...action.

Cut!

Don't slam the door. Just open it.

(Roxy) But an android would slam the door.

No, an android wouldn't.

An android would be controlled.

Open it and walk through it.

Let's go again, real quick. Come on.

You don't want the pose?

I like the pose,

but you're opening the door like you're a fireman.

You're an android, and you're going to fuck him.

All right, settle.

Scene 21 Charlie, take two.

And...action.

I am looking for a private dick.

Well, you found one.

In fact, you found the breast--best.

Best, best, I know that.

(Chuck) Cut!

Chuck, I'm sorry.

You got ten words!

How was the door?

The door was great. Look--

(Lance) She was distracting me.

Well, look her in the eye.

She was looking at me funny.

I wasn't looking at you funny. Shut up.

(Chuck) Just look her in the eyes, Lance.

Chuck, we're gonna go get some food, man.

No, you're not. Sit down.

You guys are up next. Just say put.

Take five.

Okay, this is the one.

I feel it.

Action.

I am looking for a private dick.

Well, you found one.

You found the best.

(man) Enough of this perversion.

[people shouting]

(Roxy) Oh, no. Chuck!

[people shouting]

(Lance) I'll take care of this.

[women gasping]

Oh, my goodness.

(man) 21 Charlie, take six.

(Chuck) All right, you're a robot.

No, you're an android.

What are you?

You're an android. You got the thing.

You got to talk to him to find the guy to do the thing,

and then ding, ding, ding, and then we're over.

All right? Please.

I got to wake up tomorrow and come back to work.

And...action.

Is something burning?

Yeah.

[explosions]

(Chuck) Oh, what next?

[explosion]

I need a fuse, please.

Take eight.

(Lance) You found one.

In fact, you found the best.

(man) Chuck Steak?

[angrily] Cut!

You've got to be kidding me.

You're served.

What is this?

What is this shit?

Coalition for Morality... cease and desist.

Pulling our film permit?

What?

That guy that I hit with the flowerpot is suing me.

Oh, man, what the fuck?

Fuck that shit.

Jesus Christ, you hit one prude with a fucking pot.

All right, come on, back to first positions. Let's go.

(man) I got to call my acting coach anyway.

(Chuck) Action.

You found one.

In fact, you found the best.

[hiccups]

[Chuck, frustrated] Oh.

What was that? I'm sorry.

(Chuck) Cut!

I--please!

Jeez, Roxy.

But now that we've stopped,

Chuck, why would an android hire a private investigator?

It just doesn't make any sense.

Are you kidding me?

[angrily] That's it! That's it!

That's it! Lunch.

40 minutes, back on the set.

I can't-- you're an android.

I can't have a--this--I can't have this conversation with you.

Because you're an android.

No, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Was she in Harry Eats Sally or...

No, her boobs are so big...

All right, everybody, fresh, juicy steak hot off the grill.

Look at that, huh?

Is that beautiful?

Right on. Yeah.

You can smell it.

Good.

Don't worry.

All right, leave some for Roxy.

Roxy, here, take some, come on.

You know I don't eat meat.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, that's right.

Meat is murder.

Uh-huh.

I'd kill for steaks like this.

Come on, you know you want it.

It's my special recipe.

It's smothered in bacon fat.

Smells like an abattoir.

What's an abattoir?

It's even cooked perfectly,

charred and crispy on the outside,

nice and fleshy on the inside.

I'm gonna hurl.

What are you so touchy about?

You should be more tolerant of different beliefs, Lance.

Exactly.

So, okay, you don't drink milk.

You don't eat butter.

Or anything made with animal products.

I don't wear leather,

and I don't use makeup that is tested on animals.

Let me ask you this question.

Do you suck dick?

Yes. I--

Not you. You.

I got a name.

Roxy, do you suck dick?

Did you just ask me if I suck dick?

I think--I believe that is exactly what I asked you, yes.

I managed to suck your dick about a thousand times.

So?

So you swallow sperm.

Is that not an animal product?

No, but that's different.

You're not being exploited.

Ah.

Yeah, you have a brain, albeit a microscopic one,

that can consciously give me approval to do it.

That makes it okay.

Aha!

Did that carrot give you approval to eat it?

That--that's a good point.

Hmm?

Thank you, Judas.

A carrot is a vegetable.

It is not conscious.

Why?

Just because it doesn't have a brain or a nervous system?

This was a perfectly happy carrot living in the dirt,

right?

Right.

He was--he was eatin' and growin'

and bangin' carrot chicks and making baby carrots,

when all of a sudden, some evildoer--

I mean, let's just call him Darth Vegan--

comes along in his Birkenstocks

and his organically grown cotton gloves

and yanks him out of the earth and throws him into a basket,

where he dies a lingering, miserable death.

I believe that is where you come in, murderer.

Guys, Chuck wants you changed

and back on the set, like, right now.

Are you ready?

Yes, I'm ready.

Are you ready?

I'm ready.

(Chuck) Great.

Okay, Lance, we're gonna pick it up from your last line,

all right?

And...action.

I think I can help you find the girl and the boy,

but I got to be paid in advance.

Huh! Oof!

Crispy on the outside

but nice and fleshy in the middle, huh?

(Chuck) Okay, that's a cut.

[Lance whimpering]

You feel better now?

Yeah, I do.

Great.

You know what we're gonna do, people?

We're gonna take a little break and go for a walk,

have a drink, get laid, I don't care,

but I want everyone back here in two hours.

That orgy scene is Friday,

and I don't want anyone's personal bullshit

getting in the way, understand?

Great!

Somebody get him a block of ice.

Chuck...

(Bernard) So you and Roxy seem to be

getting along pretty well.

Isn't there something else you should be doing?

Well, yeah.

I mean, I am.

I talked to Roxy at breakfast this morning.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Yeah, she's really starting to open up to me, you know?

Did you know that she still thinks about getting married,

having a family someday?

Really?

Mm-hmm.

She's never talked about that before with me.

What else did she say? Did she--

Not much.

We didn't have that much time.

She had to--she had to run off to makeup.

But, you know, she said she would give me more time,

as much time as I wanted when she has a break, so...

She's really starting to trust me, you know?

It's a good feeling.

Oh, why didn't you tell me this before?

I wanted to surprise you.

Oh, yeah? Well, you did.

Good.

Now what do you say you and I go over to that bedroom set

with the, uh--with the headboard and handcuffs?

[laughs]

Bernie, I don't have enough time.

I have to be in makeup in a half hour.

Well, half an hour's plenty of time...

like, for a quickie, you know.

[chuckles]

Baby, you are gonna get much more than a quickie.

[moaning]

I can't t-take any more.

The T-800 microprocessor plans--

give them to me.

No, I can't betray my country.

Listen, understand I am an android.

I cannot be reasoned with.

I cannot be bargained with.

[beeping sound]

(Frank) Roll out. I got to reload.

Hold on!

I can't wait! I can't wait!

[typewriter keys clacking]

So what do you think

of our little internet operation?

(Bernard) It is very impressive.

(Roxy) Ah.

Now, how many members do you have, subscribers?

Well, I've only been online a few weeks, but, uh,

let's not expect too much.

Let's see what we got here.

Oh, 1,206.

(Bernard) 1,206--that's, uh, what,

six grand a month?

Pretty quick with the math there, Skippy.

Well...

But then, of course, we got to give Chuck 10%

for letting us use the ADR stage,

and we have to pay the girls,

and, of course, the T1 line.

Now, who taught you how to do all this?

Oh, Pursey set us all up.

She's amazing with computers.

I'm not even afraid of these things anymore.

She even taught me the editing and management software.

Really? Mm-hmm.

(man) Hey, Rox.

Chuck says we're wrapped for the evening, sweetie.

Oh, thank God. Thank you. Good night.

Have a good one.

Um, Roxy, I think that it's time

I start asking you some more difficult questions.

(Pursey) I know, isn't it great?

I mean, we've added, like, 300 numbers this week.

And Roxy's so smart.

She learns the software like that.

She's amazing.

What's amazing is that there are so many horny guys out there.

Um, speaking of which...

Yes?

[laughs]

I've got news for you, very good news.

What?

Come on, what?

Roxy told me everything.

Ev--what do you mean everything?

I mean everything.

Pursey, she gave up her--

she gave you up because she had no choice.

I mean, her parents wanted her to get an abortion,

but she wanted to keep you, only she didn't have any money.

She didn't have a husband.

She was just too young to be a mother.

Oh, my God.

And you know what?

She tried to find you.

A few years ago, she hired a private investigator,

but, you know, they-- they didn't have any luck.

You didn't tell her about me, did you?

Oh, no.

No, I swear.

I just, you know-- I just asked her a question,

and she answered it,

and she just kept talking and talking, you know?

I don't know how I can thank you.

Oh, well...

This is amazing.

You know, I'm just--I'm happy that--that you're happy.

Well, I am.

I mean, I can't believe this.

This is great.

Uh, well, um, do you know what might make me

just, you know, a little bit happier?

Yeah, I think I know something.

'Cause...

I have to see the tape.

What?

I have to see everything she said.

No, no, no, there-- there isn't a tape.

There's just-- I didn't tape it.

Well, why not?

Well, um...

I mean, it's an important conversation.

Yeah, she--she wouldn't let me, you know?

I mean, she still feels terrible about giving you up,

you know what I mean?

She didn't want all of that committed to tape.

Why would she, right?

Right. Exactly.

Of course.

No, but I should tell her.

I mean, right now, I should just go tell her

and get it over with and get it all out in the open.

No, no, no, you-- you really shouldn't.

You--you should wait.

Wait until the movie's done.

You know, I mean, the big orgy scene's tomorrow.

Everybody's on edge.

You really-- you owe it to Chuck.

You owe it to Roxy.

You need to wait.

You're right.

Yeah.

What would I do without you?

But what if--what if--

Stop. Don't think.

Okay.

But how can I relax when that robot might get her hands

on these T-800 microprocessor plans?

Oh, oh, oh, okay.

[moans]

[Pursey moaning]

Yes!

Yes! Yes!

I am an android!

I can't be bargained with.

I can't be reasoned with, and I will never stop.

Don't stop. Ever!

Don't stop.

Ever!

Ever!

Roxy?

Hmm?

I'm back.

I see.

So what's this big important announcement?

Well, you know how,

um, Bernie's been asking a lot of questions about your past?

Oh, God, ad nauseam.

Well, you know how you told him

how--how you've always wanted to have a family

and how much you wish you didn't give your baby up for adoption?

What are you talking about?

Look, Roxy, it's okay.

I know he wasn't supposed to, but Bernie told me everything

about how you refused to get an abortion

and how hard it was to give your baby up

and how you hired a private investigator to find her.

Whoa, would you just slow down a minute?

What are you talking about?

None of that is true.

I don't know what that little shit's been telling you,

but none of it's true.

(Bernard) Gary.

Hey, come on.

(Gary) No.

What the hell? Come on.

Jesus Christ, I turn my back for two seconds.

(Chuck) Moneygrubbing ambulance-chasing son of a bitch.

This is not legal, and it's bullshit, and you know it.

Hey, don't blame me.

You should have been there.

You can't do this to me.

Get your hands off me.

I'll get my hands on you.

You don't-- you don't sue me.

I sue you.

Nobody sues Chuck Ste-ak!

What's happened?

He wants to shut me down.

Yeah, go ahead, get in your-- get in your Lexus, you prick.

Why?

Becau--you miss one little hearing,

and now they're going to revoke my film permit?

I don't think so.

[sighs]

He said if we're not shut down in 20 minutes,

he's going to call the cops.

You fucker!

All right. You lied to me!

I need everybody inside. Come on, let's go.

You never talked to Roxy!

Everything you told me was a big fucking lie!

You asshole! Stop kicking me!

We talked about this.

You were not supposed to discuss this with her yet.

Well, I did, and she told me the truth.

She never wanted a daughter.

She never went looking for her.

You just lied to me so you could fuck me, you asshole!

That is not true; I care about you.

God, I don't believe I slept with you.

Hey, you know what?

You had a pretty good time.

Yeah, you know what?

Your prick was so little, I barely felt it.

You asshole!

Listen! I hate you!

(Chuck) 20 minutes!

Can we just--get--get in.

Ahh!

(Nikki) Pursey!

Now, we only have 20 minutes to shoot this orgy scene, okay?

(man) Come on, Chuck.

(Chuck) Shut up! I'll explain it later.

It's no big deal.

Now, you all are professionals,

and I'm expecting the best out of you right now.

We're here to work, and we got to do it very fast, okay?

First of all, I need my first team here,

crew and the A team right in front of me now.

If you're asking yourself, "Am I on the A team?"

you're not, so just be quiet and calm,

and I'll get to your blocking in a second, okay?

Wardrobe, makeup, forget about it.

We do not have time.

Joey? (Joe) Yeah?

I need to be lit in ten minutes.

Ten minutes? You're insane.

You're right.

I need to be lit in five, okay?

Make it happen, all right?

All right, we'll do what we can.

All right, great. Good.

All right, where's, uh-- where's Pursey?

She's outside kicking the shit out of Bernie.

Well, go get her!

We don't have time for this shit right now. Hurry up.

All right, now, listen to me.

First position's here. Joey, you're there.

Frankie, you're there; you both start wide.

Move in close as we get closer

to the center of the action right here.

Now, listen, when the cops come in here,

they're probably going to want to confiscate all our stuff,

right, so switch out the mags.

Don't give 'em anything good.

All right, now, you guys know the drill.

Sally, get over on the couch.

Bend over there, and you, you lick her ass, okay?

Don't give me that look.

You're gonna lick it, and you're gonna like it.

Now, get over there, okay?

All right, Pearce,

my pièce de résistance.

You are going to be the centerpiece,

the focal point here.

You lay down on the--later.

Just keep the pants on till we're ready to go, okay?

You lay down right here.

Pursey, I want you on top of him.

Roxy, you're sitting on his face, okay?

And you, Sinatra with the hat.

You come here, and you bang her in the ass.

No, no, no, but I want to do her in the ass.

[exasperatedly] Whatever.

Roxy, do you care?

Him, Rick, who cares?

All right, fine.

All right, you bang her in the ass.

You go back over there, you put your dick in somebody else.

Everybody else,

everyone knows what they're doing, right?

Wait, Chuck, what am I doing?

Uh, you want a blow job?

Okay.

All right, fine.

You, honey, you blow him, all right?

All right, now, uh--

Hey, hey, just one?

All right, you two and you, okay, over there.

Just three?

You know what?

We don't have--all right, fine, you're in.

Four, you got four. Ready?

All right, happy now?

Yeah, I'm happy. Great.

All right, now, you two, you are the key to this scene.

I want to see you get on top of him.

I want to see as soon as I call action--

Chuck, I can't do this.

What do you mean you can't do it?

It's not in the script,

and you know I don't do girl-girl.

You don't do girl-girl, I know, but it's Roxy.

You guys are friends--

I'm not doing the scene with my mother!

What?

[tearfully] You're my mother.

This isn't exactly how I wanted to tell you,

but I guess that doesn't matter now, does it?

What are you talking about?

This was that big important thing that you--

Hey, hey, hey!

We don't have time for this right now.

(Pursey) Chuck!

This is not Jerry Springer!

We have no time for it, you know?

Just--just deal with it.

Chuck! What?

Chuck, I don't--no.

Just stay there.

All right, Sally, you switch with Pursey, okay?

Is that fine? It's the best I can do for right now.

We'll work this out later.

We have no time, all right?

Please, work with me.

(man) Chuck, cameras are ready.

All right, great.

Just shoot it wide open.

Lights are up, Chuck.

We're ready to go.

All right, people, I need you all to focus.

Listen to me.

We have no time to do this the right way.

We're going to shoot it in one take,

and it's going to be great.

I'm gonna be talking to you

through the whole time, so don't worry.

If you don't know what to do, I'll be giving you direction.

We're going to start wide; we're going to work in.

We have all your little groups.

Slowly the group is going to merge with the group next to you

and so on and so on like that big shampoo commercial,

so eventually everybody is doing everybody,

thus the world's biggest orgy and a world's record, okay?

I need some professionalism.

I need some fun.

As soon as I yell action--what?

The cops just pulled in.

Oh, Christ. All right, lock that door.

We are not stopping!

We are not stopping for anything.

I want to see fun.

As soon as I yell action, you rip off your clothes.

You start kissing; you start hugging.

Have a great time.

Make it look believable.

Make me love each and every one of you.

Are you ready?

(all) Ready!

You don't sound like a room full of world record people!

[all cheering]

(man) Speed.

(Chuck) Target!

Scene 49, take one.

(Chuck) Make me proud, people!

And...action!

Too much smoke. Too much smoke.

I want to see the bodies.

[people moaning]

Yeah. Yeah.

[women moaning]

(woman) Oh, God.

[people screaming]

thud!

Well, he did it.

Chuck somehow managed to pull off the big orgy scene,

despite the appearance of a few unexpected guests.

As a matter of fact, since the cameras just kept rolling,

it looked like those riot police

were always supposed to be in the film,

so everything pretty much turned out for the best.

Almost everything.

[birds chirping]

[Pursey over intercom] Hello?

Yeah, Pursey, hey, it's me.

I just want to talk for a sec.

(Pursey) Go away.

No, look, everything that I told you...

[click]

Was true.

[knocking]

What do you want, you fuck?

I want to talk to you.

We've talked enough already.

Why did you lie to Pursey?

Why did you deny every single thing that you told me?

I didn't lie to Pursey.

I lied to you.

What?

Couldn't let well enough alone, could you?

You had to keep pestering me with all your stupid questions.

You know, I only told you that story

just to get you off my back,

which is why I made you swear never to tell anyone.

So what do you do?

You turn right around, and you blab to Pursey.

And why?

Just so you could fuck her.

That is not true.

I genuinely care for her, you know.

I...I love her.

Oh, God.

But you see, I think that she only slept with me

so I would collect information about you.

And if you believe that, you're even dumber than I think.

I screwed everything up.

You certainly did.

Great.

[sighs]

You know, if only you had told me the truth.

I know.

I know.

[sighs]

So do you really think that she's my daughter?

She has the birth certificate.

She has the adoption papers.

She's got everything.

My daughter.

[quietly] My daughter.

I just never thought I'd say those words again.

Actually, it sounds kind of nice.

I got to get her back,

and you have to help me.

I'd like to, really.

Really, I would.

You're not such a bad guy.

But, um, she won't listen to me,

not now, thanks to you.

Come with me.

There's one person who can maybe help.

(Chuck) What makes you think I can help you?

Because you always know exactly what to do.

This is true.

But what if--what if this is the one time in a million

that I have no idea what to do?

Then you lie and tell me you do know what to do.

Oh, well, in that case, I know exactly what to do.

I'll just-- I'll call Pursey.

I'll explain everything to her, and everything will be fine.

That's it?

That's the plan?

That's not going to work.

It already did.

What? What?

Yeah, I talked to her about an hour ago.

Oh, she's still pissed at you,

but she will be at the wrap party tomorrow.

But you have no idea what's going on.

Of course I do.

I'm the director.

Sally blabbed, huh?

Yeah, and Frankie.

It was like a race.

Well, were you ever gonna bother

to share this information with us?

I just did.

Now, go on, Sparky. Get out of here.

I got stuff to do.

Mwah!

[upbeat rock music]

(Chuck) Yeah!

Thank you!

How about the kids today and their loud rock music?

Give it up for 'em.

[cheers and applause]

All right, first of all...

[laughing] That was good.

I just want to thank everybody for coming to the party

to celebrate the completion of a world-record-setting film,

Touché!

[cheers and applause]

Whoo!

You guys were all great.

You were fabulous.

Now...[clears throat] before you get all too full

on this delicious food and the fine vintage champagne

I decided to pop for today...

Uh!

It tastes like Mom used to make.

I have a very serious announcement

I'd like to share with all of you people,

closest and dearest friends.

Uh, I haven't really told anybody this,

but this is not just a wrap party for me.

It's going to be my final wrap party.

After this film, I am officially retiring from the business.

(all) We know.

We know, baby.

It was Sally.

How'd you know?

Sally, Frank, Tina.

No, I know, Brutus.

Ah, I don't care. Whatever.

You can't keep a secret.

Whatever.

You guys were great.

It was a great run; I thank all of you.

Congratulations.

Skoal! Salut!

[cheers and applause]

We love you, baby.

We really do. We love you.

Oh, thank you, baby.

Listen, Pursey's going to be here in about five minutes.

Will you get everybody together and bring them on the stage?

Go! Party!

Have a good time.

[rock music]

♪

What about the filmmaker's code?

You weren't supposed to tell anybody.

I told you that in confidence.

I think something funny, hard-core and funny,

would be good.

I'm missing a really good party.

Now, that's funny.

Now, that's comedy, huh?

You killed it.

(Lance) I killed it.

You know, that is an amazing likeness.

[laughter]

Oh, come on, we're missing a great party.

[knock at door]

Oh.

(Pursey) Hi.

Hello.

Hope I'm not too late.

No, no, no, no, no. Come on in.

Have a seat.

I was beginning to think maybe you, uh, changed your mind.

Hey. Hi.

Almost did.

Sit down.

Well, I've called you all here today

because one of you is a murderer.

Go ahead.

Bernie, I'm so-- I'm sorry.

Go ahead.

I--I'm just sorry I kicked you.

Hope I didn't break anything vital.

I'll survive.

And I'm sorry I said your dick was small.

Oh, that's okay.

It's not, really.

Oh, okay, thanks.

Okay.

So when you said that Bernie was lying,

actually you were the one lying?

No, I didn't say he was lying.

I said nothing he said was true, and it wasn't.

Oh.

But--but that doesn't mean that I want you out of my life.

We've had a great time these last couple--

Look, don't you see?

This is exactly what I didn't want to happen.

How do I know you're not just saying that

to spare my feelings or--

Hey, hey, listen.

Listen, I've known Roxy a long time.

Trust me, honey, she doesn't spare anybody's feelings, right?

(Bernard) Tell me about it.

[chuckles]

No, no, no, I just mean you say it like it is.

You don't sugarcoat the truth.

It's a compliment, Rox.

Yeah, Sally.

Yeah, great, thanks.

(Bernard) Okay, well, then tell me something.

If she's always so brutally balls-out honest,

then why did she tell all those lies to me?

You know, Bernie, you are not helping here, okay?

I--I--besides, I wasn't lying.

I was just trying to...

Okay, I was lying.

But, you know, you were annoying me.

You know, Pursey, I don't know what it is

that you want from me,

because I don't think that I can be your mother.

Great.

You got me more depressed.

[tearfully] Do you want to do something else?

No, no, no, no.

Don't you see?

It's because you've already grown up

into a beautiful, smart, sensitive, amazing young woman.

You don't need a mother.

But if you give me a chance,

I--I think I can be a pretty good friend.

Yeah.

(Bernard) Aww.

Yeah?

(Chuck) Print it. Beautiful.

All right, back to my party, huh?

Come on, the band's still playing.

Let's go. Wrap it up.

That was beautiful.

Wait; wait; wait!

So--so listen, if she's the mother,

then who's the father?

(Pursey) Who is he?

(Roxy) Oh, God, who the fuck cares?

It could be, you know...

(Chuck) A cast of thousands.

I don't know.

I don't know who the fuck it could be, really.

It was definitely somebody on that Star Whores set, though.

It could be any one

of four, five different guys.

Well, I mean, that shouldn't be too hard to find out, right?

(Sally) Right.

I'm sure we could just track 'em down.

Yeah, and get a paternity test, right?

(Chuck) No.

No, it wasn't any of those guys.

(Pearce) How would you know that?

They all had vasectomies.

Oh.

All of 'em.

(Roxy) Hmm, I never knew that.

Well...

Well, who else were you sleeping with, Rox?

[Chuck sighs]

Oh, my--oh, my God.

(Lance) Jeez, this has turned into a fricking soap opera here.

(Pearce) Shut up, Lance.

Daddy?

I guess.

Oh, my God.

This is surreal.

I mean...

[laughs]

Daddy!

[laughs happily]

(Chuck) I can't believe some of the things I've made you do

over the last two months.

Shut up.

Well, there you have it.

Touché's in distribution now,

and it's making pretty decent money.

All the lawsuits were dropped against Chuck

as long as he agreed

to shut down his production company,

which, of course, he was going to anyhow.

As far as Pursey goes, well, she has also retired

from the adult entertainment industry,

and she's now working in the new family business.

Hi.

How are you?

I'm good now.

Good.

Hey, everybody.

This place looks great.

Hi.

Hi, darling.

How are you?

Hello. Hello, Sally.

(Chuck) Okay, enough kissing.

I got work to do.

Come on, it's opening night, we got to go.

Is it straight? All right, let's go.

Nice to see you.

Hope you enjoy your movie.

Come on, let's go.

Everybody in.

Everybody in.

We got a big group of people coming.

(Bernard) Smells good.

[helicopter rotors whirring]

(BANG sugar BANG) ♪ One, two,

♪ one, two,

♪ one, two, three.

[music cuts out]

♪ One, two,

♪ one, two, three, four!

♪ I want a punk rock holiday.

♪ No sleep, Coronita, and mary jane. ♪

♪ Sunrise, sunset, it's all the same. ♪

♪ Uh-huh.

♪ I'm going to play guitar,

♪ be a punk rock and roll star, ♪

♪ tell world to just [...] off. ♪

♪ I'll hear them laugh, and I'll watch them scoff. ♪

♪ Fueled by liquor and the muse, ♪

♪ I can't play, but I got nothing to lose. ♪

♪ I'm sick of Prozac pleasant tunes. ♪

♪ Oh, up all night, up all day, ♪

♪ God save me while the dinosaurs play. ♪

♪ Jim Vick's got the joker juice. ♪

♪ I'm a virgin again.

♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo.

♪ Give me a punk rock holiday.

♪ Punk rock holiday.

♪ We need a punk rock holiday.

♪ Oh, ho-a-ho-uh-huh.

♪ Ah-ho-a-ho-uh-huh.

♪ Ah-ho-a-ho-uh-huh-uh-uh-uh.

[electric guitar solo]

♪ My bra size doesn't have to change. ♪

♪ Dirty hair and pasty skin, it's all the rage. ♪

♪ If I were queen for just one day... ♪

♪ Moon, June, spoon music gives me a rash, ♪

♪ a Seconal soundtrack for the mass. ♪

♪ We need another revolution, yeah, oh, ♪

♪ 'cause FM music's so blasé.

♪ No one's got anything to say. ♪

♪ I'm so bored with tunes today. ♪

♪ You got a song?

♪ Get your ass onstage!

♪ We need a punk rock holiday.

♪ Give me a punk rock holiday.

♪ We need a punk rock holiday.

♪ Give me a punk rock holiday.

♪ We need a punk rock holiday.

♪ Hey!

♪ Punk rock holi-da-ay.

♪ Riiiiight now.