Original subtitles

(rhythmic drumming)

- You looking at my girlfriend?!

You, I'm talking to you!

- No.

- I caught you looking at my girlfriend, didn't I?

Her, over there, you were looking at her.

- No, no, no no no.

- Think she's pretty hot don't you?

- No?

- Oh you don't?

You don't think my hot girlfriend's hot?

- No, I'm gay.

- You're gay?

- Yeah?

- You like to suck dick?

- Yeah.

- Say I like to suck dick.

- I like to suck dick.

- Faggot.

(rhythmic drumming)

- I need an alignment.

I know this because the car's pulling to the left.

I mean I don't know much about cars,

but I know that I need an alignment

'cause the car's pulling to the left.

What I also know is that I don't

need something like an oil filter

and an oil change, I don't need that.

I don't need an air filter.

I don't need an air freshener!

I just need an alignment because

the car is pulling to the left.

Nothing else.

I don't need anything else, I don't

wanna pay for anything else, I've been screwed

by mechanics my whole life, my whole adult life.

I don't need a carburetor, I don't

need anything but an alignment.

Are we on the same page?

All right, now please go fix my shitty car.

(dramatic violin music)

(rock music)

♫ Well I'm down

♫ Don't you wrestle me to the Earth now

♫ Well I'm down

♫ And I'm collapsing through the Earth now

♫ I'm down on the ground

♫ And I'm clowning around

♫ Well I'm down on the ground

♫ And I'm clowning around

♫ Down

♫ Don't you wrestle me to the Earth now

♫ Well I'm down

♫ And I'm collapsing through the Earth now

♫ Down on the ground

♫ And I'm clowning around

♫ Well I'm down on the ground

♫ And I'm clowning around

♫ Well I'm down

♫ Well I'm down

♫ Well I'm down

♫ Well I'm down

♫ Well I'm down, well I'm down, well I'm down

♫ On the ground, well I'm down, on the ground

♫ Well I'm down, well I'm down

♫ Well I'm down, well I'm down ♫

(acoustic guitar music)

- [Sarah] I don't know.

I'm just bored.

Really bored.

You know, you haven't seen my new place.

You can come over.

Anytime, I mean I'm an adult.

You're an adult.

We're both adults.

Cool!

I'll see you soon.

It's good to see you.

- [Lenny] It's good to see you too.

- [Sarah] How long has it been?

- Shit, I don't know.

10 months?

- I think it's been more like a year and 10 months.

- Sorry.

I lose track of time.

I lose track of everything.

- Well come on in.

- So when did you move here?

It's nice.

I'm glad you finally got your own place.

- [Sarah] About five, six months ago.

It suits me.

So take your shoes off.

Stay awhile.

- [Lenny] (nervous laugh) Sorry.

I don't know.

- Sit!

- So my band.

We're still playing gigs and all.

- I know.

I like you on Facebook.

- Oh yeah, you're always one step ahead of me.

- I like to think so.

- So...

What have you been up to?

- Really?

- (chuckles) I know, it's a lame question,

but it's still valid.

- Well...

I got a new job.

I like it a lot more than the old one.

- So you didn't like making fried chicken?

- At one point I forgot where

the grease ended and I began.

(laughing)

- So where are you working now?

- Well, data entry.

I know it sounds lame, but the pay

is great and I get vacation time.

Mostly I just read blogs all day.

- Fair enough.

I'm still working the same shit job.

Writing songs, you know.

- That sounds almost like a good thing.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

So how's everything else been?

- Oh you know, move out on your own,

date a total asshole or three,

then sit in your living room late

at night watching reruns.

- Is it that simple?

- I'd like to think so.

Nothing really noteworthy about the assholes.

- Really?

I find that hard to believe.

I've dated my fair share of crazy people

and they're by far the most interesting.

- Is that so?

- There's this girl I met at work.

She was very cute.

Her name was Sarah.

- Hope that's a coincidence.

- It's a common name.

It's a really common name.

She was very very pretty, incredibly sweet.

We liked the same bands and the same movies.

But there was something about

her that I just couldn't ignore.

- [Sarah] She was missing an eye?

That's pretty shallow of you.

- [Lenny] Give me a minute to save my honor.

- I really need to talk to you about something.

- What is it?

- I've had a lot of fun hanging out with you,

but I think maybe it's run its course.

- You must be joking, we have such

a good time together.

- I know, but...

I just, I don't feel like I'm

where I wanna be right now.

- Is this because of my eye?

- No!

Why does it always have to fall back on that?

- Well what is it?

Answer me, honestly.

- It's not because of your eye!

- I've always asked you for your honesty and

you've always given it to me, so tell me now.

- It isn't your eye patch.

It's your eye patch and your voice.

- What?!

- It's just the combination, it's...

It's so difficult.

- You asshole!

- Please don't take it the wrong way,

I mean you're great, it's just,

it's starting to get to me.

- You're a piece of shit!

- You told me to be honest!

- Well I'm sorry my disability

and my accent disgust you.

- God, it's not that, you aren't disgusting,

no no no, I mean...

It's kinda funny, you know?

- Funny?

What's that supposed to mean?

- It's like...

It's like you're a supervillain or something.

- You fucking cunt!

- You wanted to know!

- I swear Lenard, if it's the last thing

I do, I will have my revenge on you.

(laughing)

- This isn't helping, you sound

like a villain from Diehard.

(laughing)

- You're the biggest asshole I've ever met.

I hate you!

(laughing)

- Auf Wiedersehen!

- [Sarah #2] You didn't even pronounce it right!

- Not gonna lie, kinda a dick move.

(laughing)

- When she asked me how my day was, it felt

like I was being interrogated by the enemy.

I'm talking 50s spy movie bad.

If she were Russian I wouldn't

have even bothered being friends with her.

That's nothing though.

I'm not sure how to start this one, so I'll just start.

So I met this girl Sarah.

Wow, that's two Sarahs.

- [Sarah] I guess it is a pretty common name.

- [Lenny] Well she and I met at

this goth nightclub and really hit it off,

so we met up and went to dinner and

ended up hanging out for two weeks nonstop.

Nothing too crazy, we'd make out

a little bit here and there.

So one night we go back to her place,

she tells me she's going to use

the bathroom, she'll be just a minute.

So I'm chilling on her bed waiting.

When she comes to the door...

Girls never surprise me like this.

(speaking Spanish)

(record scratches)

I know.

- What happened?

- I tried to get into it.

I really tried to get into it.

I tried as hard as I could.

I was just way too freaked out.

She tried to put me in a figure four leglock.

Do you have any idea how awkward that is?

- You're making this up.

- I wish I was, Jesus.

- So how about your first girlfriend?

- We dare not speak her name.

- Stop it, it couldn't have been that bad.

- You think that now.

You think that now.

What about you, I mean you're not

giving me any information here.

- What do you wanna know?

- How'd you meet your first boyfriend?

- That's easy.

We met in American History class.

We had four really great months,

but when senior year ended, so did we.

It was good while it lasted.

- Wait a second.

(acoustic guitar music)

I was your first boyfriend?

- Yup.

- So you...

- Lost my virginity to you?

That would be the case.

Relax, I mean we all had to lose it at some point.

I'm surprised you didn't know, I was terrible.

- No you weren't.

It was really good.

Some of the best times I've ever had.

- So why did we break up then?

- I don't know.

Guess I didn't wanna settle down.

My band was playing a lot more.

I guess I thought I was gonna

be in LA in a few months.

I shouldn't get too attached.

I'm sorry.

- That's okay.

The water's sincerely under the bridge.

But spill it.

Tell me about your first girlfriend.

- [Lenny] After my latest trip to South Africa,

I'd become completely enthralled by

this puzzle box I had gotten from a

supposed sorcerer turned roadside merchant.

I spent hours and hours a day trying to solve it.

When I did...

(ominous music)

She rose in front of me in all her glory and power.

- We have such sights to show you.

- (laughs) So that's how you met.

- That's how I remember it.

- We're dropping this aren't we?

- Yeah.

- I've been sitting all day, so my back hurts.

Would you mind, would you care

moving this to the bedroom?

- Yes?

(acoustic guitar music)

They aren't all so scary.

- I was starting to worry.

- [Lenny] I was friends with Liz.

She was this absolutely beautiful girl.

We'd been friends for easily two years.

We started hanging out one on one.

We went hiking together.

I'd like to think it was a date.

- You're slow.

- Huh?

All the guys told me you're fast.

♫ As it never happened before

♫ Or at least that's what I keep telling myself

- Damn it.

- Come on.

I wanna show you something.

- Okay.

♫ We'll never meet again

♫ Anger and (mumbles)

- Come on.

♫ Each of us knowing nothing yet still so alone

♫ If life is what we made it out to be

♫ You're probably dead

♫ Shot from the tallest building

♫ And fell to eternal bliss then nothingness

- You're so slow.

♫ Been waiting for the courage to call you

♫ The courage to tell you what I feel

♫ And sure that you're not (mumbles)

♫ As you never have been before

♫ Or at least that's what I keep telling myself

♫ Or at least that's what I keep telling myself

- It's perfect.

- I've never been here before.

It's great.

- Go ahead.

- Why?

- I just wanna watch you cross the water.

- You're not gonna push me in are you?

- No.

- I just got a new phone and if you

push me in it's gonna get ruined.

- I'm not gonna push you in.

- I mean really now, I've hit women for less.

- Get a move on.

♫ I'm waiting by the phone

♫ I'm waiting for the courage to call you

♫ The courage to tell you what I feel

♫ But I'm sure that you're not (mumbles)

♫ As you never have been before

♫ Or at least that's what I keep telling myself ♫

- Are you okay?

- Yeah.

- What's wrong?

- Nothing.

- What's going on?

- Nothing.

I have to fart.

- [Lenny] What?!

- I have to fart and I don't want

you to be here for it.

- Okay.

Thanks?

- It's no problem.

- So we're just waiting around for you to fart then?

- Yeah.

- Fair enough.

- Or not.

(laughing)

- Okay, okay, when you're sharing date

stories, make sure you start with that one.

- Before that, I never really knew girls farted.

- Well we do.

- Gross.

- A lot, all the time, all over everything.

- Stop it!

Jesus.

- So is that why you broke up with her?

- I wish, that was just the start.

(fart noise)

- Have some Skittles.

- Thanks.

So...

We gonna pretend you didn't fart?

- (laughs) Goddammit, I thought you didn't hear it.

- Well I did.

Homeland security has been notified.

- I tried to distract you with the Skittles.

- Well nice try.

(laughing) (farting noises)

I'm sorry.

I am sorry.

That was the fart that broke the camel's back.

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

(laughing)

(louder fart)

(laughing)

- Was that when you gave up on the farting girl?

- Actually we hadn't even kissed at that point.

- Why not?

- We were in that awkward friendzone.

Plus she kinda had a boyfriend.

- How do you "kinda" have a boyfriend?

- He was a total dick, so he didn't count,

but I still felt weird about trying to end

that relationship just so I could be with her.

- You're getting so complex.

- I also really wanted to fuck her.

- There's that punk rock honesty.

(soft rock music)

♫ One way streets and greasy drips

♫ Fill the trip with anticipation

- Do you have anything to drink?

♫ Cautious calls during a busy fall

♫ Through the all of pastimes

- I'm sorry.

- I have a boyfriend.

- I know.

I'm sorry.

Just forget it.

I'll get you a Sprite, okay.

♫ Lost pets, man it's good to hear your voice

- I was so convinced that the door was

gonna open and your roommate was

gonna be standing there in shock.

I love you.

Get over here.

- I've loved you for such a long time,

but are you sure you wanna do this?

I just don't want you to feel bad about this later.

- Stop it.

- Just tell me this is what you wanna do.

- I don't know what I want.

I love you, but I have a boyfriend.

I wanted to be with him.

But now I wanna be with you.

He doesn't even love me anymore.

He tells me that all the time.

(sobs) But when I'm with you I

feel like I can actually be me.

I don't have to be what my dad wants.

Or my boyfriend wants.

Everyone expects me to be one way or another.

I can't stand it.

- Are you okay?

- I should go.

♫ Wise brain said so many times

♫ Here's to hello ♫

- You missed your moment.

- I know, but I couldn't do it if it wasn't right.

- She wanted you to make the decision for her.

- Yeah, but she's smart enough to do that for herself.

- You're a good guy.

- I guess.

- So what happened?

- She stopped talking to me.

She broke up with her boyfriend,

but she still won't talk to me.

- She avoids you?

- I guess I'm trying to help her avoid me.

- I'm really sorry.

She really bitched out on you.

- She's not a bitch.

She's the best friend I've ever had,

I mean I guess she just doesn't want me.

- She just likes that you want her?

- I don't know.

I don't like thinking about it.

When that happened I got so sad,

I mean really really sad.

I've never in my life written so

many songs as after all of that.

Correction, I've never written

so many good songs at once.

But since, the world has just been against me.

(dramatic acoustic guitar music)

- [Voiceover] Hey buddy!

Look at the sign!

What, can't you read the sign?!

Hey pal, didn't you see the sign?!

- You have a dark cloud following you around.

- Sure.

I don't know.

Maybe I need to take a risk.

Do something unexpected.

- I think that could be a good idea.

- Life is for living.

If I don't do my best to take what I

want out of life, then I'm dead, you know?

I need to go after her.

One last time.

I just can't let it end like this.

I have an opportunity to love

and I need to let her know that I deserve it.

- Why don't you just fuck me instead?

- Love is what matters!

It's the most important thing

in this whole goddamn world.

Love.

It's the only thing that matters.

That's all there is to it,

I just have to go get her.

If I don't, I'm gonna regret

it for the rest of my life.

Stop fucking doing that!

- Wait.

Why don't you want me?

- I don't know.

- No, seriously.

Why don't you want me?

- I think I only want women that

are emotionally unavailable.

- I couldn't love you.

No matter how hard I tried.

- I'll text you.

♫ One, two, three, four

♫ I don't wanna wait

♫ For both feet in the ground

♫ Or live to see the day

♫ My heart showed itself out

♫ So let's just move underground

- I love you.

I've always loved you.

We need to be together.

We deserve it.

♫ We live to see the day

♫ The heart showed itself out

- You're always such a fucking bitch!

(music intensifies)

♫ And you won't have to wait ♫

- Oh god!

- Hear that thud, that's my new crud!

So I can play the bass so I can,

I can fucking fuck your face.

♫ Hear me, hear me baby ♫

- Fuck yeah, fuck yeah!

Fucking, I need a pen.

I need a fucking pen.

Fuck it.

Fuck.

Garbage day.

It's just gone, my garbage bin vanished.

- [Cindy] Where?

- Well if I knew that, don't you

think I'd just go get it?

- [Cindy] Well get a new one.

- I want to, but the last one came

with the house, can I just buy one?

I feel like the city assigns them.

- [Cindy] Then call the city.

I don't know, I'm your ex-girlfriend,

what do you want from me?

- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Happy birthday.

All right.

Bye.

(rock music)

♫ Watching you, watching me from the back of the crowd

♫ You wanna storm out of the room

♫ Instead you stand at your ground

♫ I see your eyes paralyzed, every person around

♫ It's pretty obvious that later on it's gonna go down

♫ I don't know, I don't know what you want me to say

♫ It's doesn't matter 'cause I never listen anyway

♫ You turn it up, tie me down 'cause you want me to stay

♫ You just (mumbles) the thing that's gonna push me away

♫ You knew exactly what this was

♫ You're just a phase (mumbles) just because

♫ You just don't fit into my world

♫ Get it through your head ♫

- I'm sorry, what?

- Have you ever read the bible?

- Oooh.

(rock music)

- Can I help you?

- I'm sorry, what?

- Can I help you?

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, hi, my name's Bruce Kolakowski,

my garbage bin went missing.

- Missing?

Well what happened?

- I don't know, it's just not there anymore.

- Did you look for it?

- Yes I did.

- You'll need to file a report with

the police department across the street.

- Oh no, I don't wanna report it

missing, I just wanted a new one.

- Then get a new one.

- Oh, well I thought maybe they were

made by the city since they're all

the same make and they have those

same numbers stenciled on them.

- No, they're standard trash bins.

- Where can I get one?

- I am not your mother, you do not

know how to buy a garbage bin?

- Every place I've ever lived came with one.

I'm sorry one human being asked another a question!

- Is there anything else I can help you with?

- No, just keep growing that fat

ass of yours behind that desk!

Fucking bitch.

- Yeah, and you know, my garbage

is in there, so there's that.

- What is that thing you're wearing?

- What thing?

- Bullshit what thing.

The "It's not rape if I make over

"six figures a year" hat.

- It's called a cabbie hat.

- It's called a "I tell people I voted

"for Barack Obama, but I didn't actually" hat.

- Fuck you.

- No no, I just mean what's it

like to wear 9/11 on your head?

Because I look at that and all

I see is 3,000 people dying and

then a bunch of pointless wars.

So are you stoked or what?

- I was fucking born stoked.

You know what, this is the gig we've

been waiting since We've started playing.

Hit it.

- I'm good, man.

- How do you get internet here?

- Your neighbor's wireless, the password was...

It was one...

Two...

Three...

Four...

Five...

Six...

Seven, yeah, one, two, three,

four, five, six, seven, that's it.

- Dude, Google my band.

- The Enragers.

You're not coming up.

- Try adding Dayton, Ohio.

- Oh there you go, I got your

Myspace and your Facebook page.

- Fuck that.

Google me.

- All right.

Bruce Kolakowski.

- Yeah, Kolakowski.

- I got it, I got it, Jesus,

if I wanted to take orders from

a Polack I would...

Well no, no one's ever taken

orders from a Polack before.

Oh I got you.

Facebook page.

A review of one of your shows.

- No shit?

Click it.

- Here we go.

Bruce Kolakowski dutifully lays

out hard and consistently powerful baselines.

Not bad man.

- Hell yeah.

- (laughs) Oh man, you'll love this.

You're dead.

Yeah, I found an obituary for

a Bruce Kolakowski right here.

I think it's a pretty rare name.

- Let me see that.

- Sure man.

What's wrong, man?

- I was named after my grandpa.

He's dead.

- When did he die?

- Four months ago apparently.

- You didn't know?

- No one told me.

- Shit, that's awful man.

- It's my fucking dad!

- Your dad didn't tell you?

- I haven't talked to him in years.

He should've called me, he lives in Rhode Island.

- Is there anything I can do?

- No.

You should probably go, it's getting late.

- Are you sure you're okay man?

'Cause I can make some more jokes

about the Holocaust 'cause you're Polish.

- [Bruce] Nah, I'm all right.

- You're positive?

- Yeah.

(rock music)

♫ Well I was born a nobody

♫ I have no money and I have

♫ Nothing left to say to you

♫ See I was born with a conscience

♫ Died with a vengeance

♫ I spent my life paying these dues

♫ I need to buy (mumbles)

♫ I'm gonna tear some shit

♫ I'm about to light up the midnight sky

♫ So fire it up, fire it up

♫ Until you can't get enough

♫ And then boom baby, let them fly

♫ Let them burn, let them burn

♫ Send them up in flames

♫ We're kicking ass, taking names

♫ Don't need to fence the wind and fire

♫ We're about to decorate them with dynamite ♫

- Cindy?

- [Cindy] Bruce, are you there?

- My grandpa died and nobody told me.

I don't know what to do.

- I'm so sorry, Bruce.

- I just, I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to think.

- It's gonna be okay.

- No it is not!

What's he's gonna fucking do, wake up?!

He's fucking gone!

Forever!

- I know what it's like.

When my uncle died--

- I don't care!

I don't care!

It doesn't fucking help, it just makes it worse!

- Well I wish I knew what to say.

It's gonna be okay.

- [Bruce] It's fucking bullshit!

- (sobs) It's gonna be okay, okay?

Good morning.

- Good morning.

- Are you okay?

- Better, I guess.

- What are you gonna do today, Bruce?

- I'm gonna pack up some t-shirts and pants

and throw them in the back of my car.

Then I'm gonna drive over to Rhode Island.

- What for?

- To kick the shit out of my dad.

- Don't be so dramatic.

- I'm not being dramatic.

I'm gonna fucking kill him.

I'm gonna make a crowbar and duct tape

stop in Pennsylvania on the way there.

- Look, if you need to confront your father

then do it, but just think about it, okay?

- I have, thanks.

- Well I better get going.

- Hey.

- Yeah?

- Just so you know, we're not

getting back together or anything, okay?

- Are you kidding?

Okay, Bruce.

Call me if you need anything.

(tires screech)

- Keep your eye on the road.

(radio tuning)

- [Voiceover] Now as a country,

we've simply lost our way.

Morality has taken a backseat

to greed and Protestant churches,

but we have to move beyond this and remember

what is truly important in our lives.

If we lose sight of our devotion

to Satan, how will our lives end up?

- New Jersey's weird.

- [Voiceover] Reptilians of the Earth,

we have to unite and stop the

slander of our good name.

We are the illuminator, we are the

direst descendants of the Lord.

We have to maintain our hidden

agenda to keep the Earth on our track.

First Pearl Harbor destroyed the

Japanese threat, then 9/11 was our

protest to the cancellation of Ally McBeal.

- What the hell?

- [Voiceover] Don't fear, we are the ones in control.

The old cynicism is gone.

We will move forward.

Remember to get out there and vote too.

Vote for whoever you want, it doesn't matter.

Just vote.

- Oh shit, I'm asleep!

(tires screech)

Oh shit, shit, shit, shit!

- [Voiceover] So if you're some jagoff

who would put your money on the

Atlanta Hawks, then your wife deserves lupus!

(radio tunes)

- What road is this?

- [Voiceover] In 21.2 miles, turn right.

- Okay, I'm on track.

Let's do this.

- [Voiceover] In 15 miles, lick my balls.

- What the hell?

- [Voiceover] Recalculating.

In 14.5 miles, turn right.

- All right, I got this, I got this.

- [Voiceover] You smell like (mumbles) tits.

- What the hell?

- [Voiceover] In four miles, eat a bowl of dicks.

- Oh shit!

(tires screech)

Truck stop.

(car revs)

- Bruce.

- Yeah, it's me dad.

- What are you doing here?

- We need to talk.

- All right.

Come on in.

- I'd prefer we talk outside.

- Come on, come on inside.

- Dad, I prefer we talk outside.

- All right.

Just give me a minute.

- What is this?

- Take a sip.

- Coffee milk?

- Thought you'd might like a taste of home.

When you were a little boy your mother

used to put coffee milk in your sippy cup.

You'd pitch a fit every time after

that when we'd put regular in.

You weren't having it.

Made you hyper as hell.

- It's been eight years, dad.

- I know.

- Do you?

- Bruce--

- You stopped talking to me the

day child support ended.

- That isn't true.

- You're right, it was the Christmas before that.

- You didn't wanna talk to me.

- Grandpa fucking died and you didn't tell me.

- You've been so busy with your life,

I figured if you wanted to talk to me you'd call.

You never made much of an effort

to talk to grandpa or me.

- That is fucking bullshit and you know it.

I was a fucking kid and you were a grown man.

You could've been the bigger person and reached out.

I didn't even know he was fucking sick.

I could've helped.

- Now--

- I lived an hour away.

I could've made sure he knew I loved him.

That I cared.

I could've been there for him like

you fucking assholes weren't for me.

'Cause I loved him and you didn't give a shit!

- Look, I'm sorry, I don't know what to tell you.

- Why'd you take your petty bullshit so far?

Now he's gone for good.

- I am sorry, I don't know what to tell you.

I couldn't support you in the way you wanted.

All I wanted was a son who could go out

into the real world ready to add something to it.

To make me proud.

You think it was easy for me?

To let my oldest son just go out of my life?

I had to do it so that we

wouldn't ruin both of our lives.

It hurt every day, but I knew

it was the right thing to do.

That's what I tell myself.

- I wanted to play fucking bass.

Stalin's dad fucking stuck around.

I just wanted to make music.

- You're not being realistic.

- I'm a man now, my life is mine,

but you decided to go off and make new kids

hoping maybe you'd get it right this time.

Well fuck that, I can't ignore you,

you're my dad, I get two parents

on this Earth and that's it.

- Look, I don't know what to tell you.

- Tell me anything.

Say something!

Tell me anything!

Make it better, you fucking faggot!

- I can't.

- Then fuck you!

You're not worth the shit you're made of!

- Bruce.

- I hope that cancer runs in our family!

It can kill you and then it can kill me

and then it can kill all your fucking kids!

Then the shit we're made of will finally fucking die!

- You are out of fucking line!

- Fuck you!

Die, you fucking asshole!

♫ Lights out

♫ I don't know what it was, but it was

- What'll it be?

- Three shots of Jag.

- Three shots of Jag, you got it.

Tough day?

- You can say that.

- Hence the three shots of Jag.

- Just pour them.

♫ He runs down the stairs while (mumbles) the hallway

♫ The advantages are his

♫ Lights out

♫ I don't know what it was, but it was ♫

- Excuse me.

- Yeah?

- How many dicks have you sucked today?

- What, brother?

- I said...

How many dicks have you sucked

today, you dumb faggot?

- Hey hey hey hey, break it the fuck up!

Jesus Christ, did you kill him?

(upbeat ukulele music)

- Where are we?

- We're almost back in town, 20 minutes tops.

- Why the hell did my aunt wanna get

married two hours from Dayton?

It's so stupid!

- Is it, is it pulling to the left?

- No.

- [Bill] It was a really nice place.

- Yeah, for some bullshit marriage.

- Maybe you should drink a little more water.

- Okay.

I really appreciate you driving me back tonight.

- No problem.

- You're a good friend.

Really you are.

You're always there for me.

I appreciate you.

- No problem, you'll be home in bed in 20 minutes.

- Fuck, I don't wanna go home.

- Why, what's wrong?

- I don't wanna be home alone tonight.

Can you take me to Marty's?

- You mean Aaron's.

- No, I don't wanna deal with his crap.

(laughing)

- You want me to drop you off at some

dude's house and he isn't even your boyfriend?

While you're piss drunk?

- Fine, just take me to your place.

I have to piss like a racehorse.

Hey, do you have anything to drink around here?

- For you, just water.

- Fine, dad.

- How you feeling?

- Like shit.

I've been stressing out over this

wedding for about a week now.

- It's over now, breathe deep.

- You're always looking out for

me, I really appreciate it.

- I know.

- So do you think you can take me to Marty's?

- Who the hell is Marty?

- He's a friend I met from work.

He's really nice.

- A friend you made at work who

you wanna visit in the middle of the

night while you're drunk off your ass?

- I'm on my ass.

I know it sounds bad, I just,

I really wanna see him.

- How do you think your boyfriend will feel about that?

- How does he feel about anything,

he'd just grunt or something.

I don't know, I like him most of the time,

it's just lately he's a drain on me.

- You kids always have things so complicated.

I don't get it.

- You act like you're 50 and I'm 16.

The age difference just isn't that great.

- Yeah, I said that when I was your age too.

Really stings to say that without a sense of irony.

- Just quit it.

- When I wake up, my back, just this

herniated disk just stings me

all the way to my bone.

The kids, this music today, I don't

get you kids and I'm dehydrated.

What 'cha doing there?

- I have this song and I want

you to listen to it, okay?

- Okay.

- It really means a lot to me,

so I just want you to listen to it.

- Okay.

♫ A loyal blue shell

♫ Disappears in the ocean

- I just, I really love this song.

You know?

- I know.

♫ Disappears in the sky

- And it's so good I just,

I need to share it with you.

- Sounds good.

♫ Only you and I

- It's just, this is what I have to offer.

- [Bill] I like it, it sounds good.

- Me too!

- Sounds a little bit like Lenny's band.

- Yeah, I know, I tried telling

him, but he didn't seem interested.

He's never heard of them.

- They're good.

- I know, right?

I love them.

It really is the most I have to offer to anyone.

- What do you mean by that?

- Well I discovered them and none

of my friends have heard of them,

so it's what I have to offer.

- You have more to offer than some obscure band.

- Maybe, but this is what really matters to me.

- All right.

- You're a great friend.

- I know, you keep telling me that.

- I'm sorry.

I'm not really that drunk, am I?

- I have never seen you this drunk.

- It can't be that bad.

- It's entertaining.

- Am I drooling on myself?

- No.

- Is my hair matted to the side of my head?

- No.

- Is my makeup smearing, do I look like a clown?

Am I scaring you?

- No.

You look beautiful.

You knew that.

- You're sweet.

- I'm honest.

- You always know what to say.

- Not when it matters.

- What do you mean?

- I mean that I really love this song.

(bass heavy rock music)

Hey, so I'm gonna do the stereotypical

friend thing and I'm gonna let you sleep

on my bed and I'm gonna sleep on the couch.

- There is no way that I am letting

you sleep on this couch.

- Trust me, I've slept on it before,

many times, I might even feel nostalgic.

- Just share your bed with me.

- I don't think that's really a

great idea, I mean I don't think we'd fit.

- You have less body fat than I do.

- It just wouldn't be very comfortable.

- What, you don't like to snuggle up in bed?

- I'm just very...

Adapted to sleeping alone.

- Now you're just making me sad.

- I mean I'm just used to having all the

space I can have and not disturbing anyone.

- I promise I won't spread out

and take up all of your space.

- I'll be fine on the couch.

- You are being difficult just to be difficult.

- I'm really not.

- Then hop into bed with me!

- I just prefer the couch.

- I don't fart a lot or anything.

- What?

- I'm not a gassy woman.

I'm not gonna stink up the bed

and keep you up all night.

Is that what you're worried about?

- No!

- Are you sure?

'Cause I seem to remember you telling

me that your wife was a night farter.

- I have never uttered the term night farter.

- Well regardless, I'm not one,

so a bed with me shouldn't be a problem.

- It would be rude.

- Rude to who?

Rude is you arguing with me this late at night.

- I'm sorry.

- Is sleeping in a bed with me really that offensive?

- I guess.

- Fine.

Do you have anything I can sleep in?

This dress is really uncomfortable.

- Yeah yeah, yeah, sure, no problem.

(upbeat ukulele music)

You okay?

Did you fall in?

- [Aria] That's not funny.

And I'm not all right.

- What's wrong?

- [Aria] Everything is wrong.

I hate my life.

- But that isn't true.

- [Aria] How isn't it true?

Look at me.

I hate my job, I hate my family, I hate myself.

- You're just upset, that's all.

- [Aria] Of course I'm upset, my whole world is shit.

- Come out and we'll talk about it, it's okay.

- [Aria] You know what?

I have a bottle of muscle relaxers.

I can just take them all.

- No, no, calm down, don't do anything like that.

- [Aria] Why not?

My life is already over.

- [Bill] You're still young.

- [Aria] I don't feel young.

I feel used up.

I feel beaten.

- You're just tired, after some rest

you won't feel that way.

- [Aria] How do you know what I feel?

- I've been your age, I can identify.

- [Aria] That is your answer to everything!

That you are older.

Well I don't think you have a

clue where I am in life right now.

- Please calm down, you gotta stop

thinking so drastically.

- [Aria] Maybe I need something drastic.

Really, maybe I do.

- I think you should just come out and talk with me.

It's okay, I'm not mad at you.

- [Aria] Why don't you get mad?

Why are you afraid to feel anything?

You're like being friends with a wet towel.

- I...

- [Aria] Are you there?

- Yeah, I'm here.

- [Aria] Don't leave me.

- I'm not leaving you, I just want you to come out.

- [Aria] I'm not coming out.

- Well I'll take the door off the hinges.

- [Aria] I will swallow every single one

of these pills and you can just

try to get me to the hospital.

- Okay, okay, just calm down.

- [Aria] Why are you this way?

- What do you mean?

- [Aria] You get close and you pull away.

- I don't, I don't, I just try to maintain.

I'm usually happy and I like it that way.

I know what you're thinking,

sometimes you just wanna check

out of it, but you know, it's

not easy getting older.

I know, I was your age once.

I know you say I talk about my age

a lot, it's just a lot of who I am.

If I didn't know and understand that

it goes by so fast, I wouldn't appreciate

it and I'd be upset all the time.

Are you there?

- [Aria] Yeah, I am.

- You convince yourself that you

know what you want, you know what

you need, you spend all this time

hunting it down and then when you

get it, you don't even know what it is.

You just put on autopilot, you wake up,

you go to work, kiss your wife.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

But one day, one fucking day,

if you slip up and your head goes

out of the fog, you look around and

you don't even realize where you

are or how to get out.

You have a few too many realizations

like that, you just start living different.

You start taking the long way home

from work, you start leaving early.

Any excuse you can come up with

to spend less time around.

When you are around it's worse.

Everything they do is just awful.

I don't mean that it really was,

but perception is reality.

Every word she'd say, every cough

she'd make, it'd just piss me off.

No reason really, she was such a

sweet person, it's just that I felt

trapped like when a raccoon's in

a trap and it scratches and bites at you

whether you're there to help it or not.

It's just instinct.

I feel bad about the way I acted,

I wish I would've just left.

It's all easy to say now.

Are you all right?

Are you okay?

- [Aria] Yeah.

- You wanted to understand it.

That's pretty much it.

I get a little guarded with my

feelings, but I'm more honest with

myself than I've ever been.

I'm not pretending anymore.

I'm saying what I mean and I'm living the way I want.

I'm going out and I'm meeting people

and I'm laughing and I'm not willing

to believe that there's a hole

in my heart I'm not filling.

10 years are gone and I have to wake up

every day and try to make it work for me.

Maybe it was all fear.

Just thinking I was set with my wife and my house.

Making me not face reality.

The unknown is scary and unpredictable.

I didn't just do it to my wife, I did it to you.

I decided I was in love with you,

but I don't think I really wanted to be with you.

I just knew that you'd reject me.

I knew that if you got too close I

could just push it off with excuses

about our age or our friendship.

Sure, you're beautiful.

But you're completely and utterly unavailable to me.

That's what I like.

It's safe.

I can just sit here content with longing for you.

I don't have to take any risks or look for what I need.

I'm sorry I put that on you.

Really I am.

You didn't deserve that, no one does.

You're my friend and I love you dearly,

I'm just fucked up sometimes.

Most times.

- [Aria] I...

I don't know what to say.

- I know.

(upbeat ukulele music)

- I'm gonna come out now.

- I'd like that.

(gentle piano music)

- Just come to bed, it's been a long night.

- Yeah, yeah it has.

(fart noise)

You liar.

(tuba heavy trumpet music)

Hey, where are you?

- [Aria] Bill, Marty picked me up.

I didn't wanna wake you.

Have a great day!

Aria.

(laughing)

(rock music)

♫ I'm wasted out of my head again

- Hey girl, what's up?

- Mmmm, clever.

- So...

- So what?

- Do you have it?

- Do I have what?

- My stuff.

- Your stuff.

- Yeah.

- Your sweater, your wallet, your keys, your motorcycle?

- No, no.

The stuff I wanna buy from you.

- What stuff?

- The weed.

- Oh, the weed!

(echos) Weed, weed, weed!

Yeah, I have the illegal narcotics that

you're wanting to purchase from me today.

- Shh, keep your voice down.

- (laughs) Yeah, I have a significant

amount of pure cannabis right here!

- Stop it.

- (laughs) Relax, it's just weed, no one cares.

- Hey!

- You seem pretty nervous, maybe

you should smoke some of that now.

- No, no, I'm good.

- Aw, are you one of those guys

that get all paranoid when they smoke?

- No, I can handle my shit.

- Are you one of those guys that are all like...

The government, they put a chip in

my arm and now they're listening to

me and they're tracking my every

move and don't get vaccinations.

Well...

I think we're good here,

I think you can get going now.

- Oh look who's afraid of getting busted now.

- I'm not afraid of getting busted,

I'm more afraid of people thinking you're fucking me.

- You are such a bitch.

(laughing)

(phone rings)

- Hold on.

Hello?

Yeah, nothing.

Yeah, that's not a problem at all.

Yeah, I'll be over in an hour.

Okay, mmmhm.

Bye.

- Another sale stop?

- No, my sister needs a babysitter for the night.

- And she called you?

(laughing) - Ram it.

(upbeat ukulele music)

♫ They were wed in spring in front of their families

♫ And nine months later she was pregnant

- [Thomas] What made you think this

could even be a remotely good idea?

- [Gina] Georgie will do fine.

I just couldn't find anyone else on such short notice.

- [Thomas] But she's a screw up if there ever was one.

- [Gina] What do you want me to do?

This is our son and it's just four hours.

- [Thomas] Why don't you just hire a masseuse

on Craig's List to come and watch over our child?

Equal levels on the responsibility chart there.

- [Gina] What's this about?

- [Thomas] She threw up on the

ice sculpture at our wedding.

She went around telling everyone it was

the Vomit De Milo for the rest of the night.

- [Gina] She was just having too good a time.

- [Thomas] She's in a band, she does those needle drugs.

- [Gina] She doesn't do needle drugs that I'm aware of.

- [Thomas] And all you ever do is defend her.

- [Gina] I'm done talking about this.

- [Thomas] I want you to look me in the eyes

right now and tell me she would vote for Regan.

- [Gina] I'm not happy about it either,

but we're going to make it work.

Thank you so much again for doing

this on such short notice.

- It's really no problem, I'm glad I could help.

- How are classes going?

- They're good, I took the semester off though.

- Why on Earth would you do that?

- There was just so much pressure, I couldn't handle it.

- You have to learn to deal with that

if you're gonna make something of yourself.

I wish you'd apply yourself.

- Hey man, I don't need all that pressure

crushing me down, giving me wrinkles and shit.

- I'm only looking out for you.

- [Thomas] Before we go, I'm gonna need

to go over what you need to do.

Gina, would you mind going and warming up the car?

- Sure.

Goodnight, George.

Thanks again.

- We do appreciate you doing this

for us, this banquet is very important to

Gina and I and we couldn't miss it for the world.

Now Travis is upstairs already and in bed.

- Cool, it shouldn't be a problem.

- He may get up in the middle of the night.

If he does, he will want a snack.

He can't have any candy or fruit,

that will keep him up all night.

He can, however, have two graham crackers

and a little bit of milk, but that's it.

Just two graham crackers and a little bit of milk.

He may ask for me, but he can't have it.

Just two graham crackers and a little bit of milk.

Now he may ask for a glass of water.

He can have that, but no ice.

That'll make him cold.

He can be a little bit of a handful, so you'll

just give him the graham crackers and move on.

He may get a little cranky, but if you

talk to him directly he will understand.

And our child is evil, so don't let

him get a hold of any knives or matches.

He can and will hurt himself and others,

so keep all crowbars or hammers

or car keys away from him.

He will be dangerous with anything he has,

but he can however have two graham

crackers and just a little bit of milk.

- Okay.

- Now after he has his two graham

crackers and a little bit of milk,

he will need to brush his teeth.

Make sure he does not bring the

toothbrush back with him because

he will sharpen it on the wall.

Now the bulldog can have two graham crackers,

but no milk, he is lactose intolerant.

Now I wrote the phone number for the

police on the refrigerator, it's 9-1-1.

If there were a fire, I also have that

number on the fridge, that is also 9-1-1.

I also have my and Gina's cell phone

numbers on the fridge as well as the

number to the banquet hall in case

there's no cell phone reception,

but call our cell phones first,

that is the best way to reach us.

We have our phones on us at all times.

- All right.

- We do appreciate you doing this for us, George.

- It's no problem.

- There's soda in the fridge, help yourself,

but it is diet with Splenda, so don't waste it.

- Have fun.

- Two graham crackers and just a little bit of milk.

- Got it.

(dramatic music)

Yeah, I'd like to place a delivery please.

Centerville.

Yup, 1010 Techwood Drive.

(doorbell rings)

That was quick.

- Hey.

- What the shit are you doing here?

How did you even find me?

- You checked in online with your phone.

- Do you even understand how creepy that is?

- Look, I just wanted to talk to you real quick.

- No.

- I just need a second.

- No.

- [Steven] Please.

- Just go home.

- I've always thought you were beautiful.

- I don't care.

- You're funny and you're smart.

- I sell you weed.

- I can't get you out of my mind.

- 'Cause you're high.

- 'Cause I'm in love.

- No you're not.

- Don't you feel anything for me?

- Look, you're a nice guy.

Wait, no, I don't even know you.

I sell you weed.

I see you once a week and that's

only been for three months.

I don't even know your last name,

so get over it, leave.

- I can't help how I feel.

- Yes you can, you just look inside

at all those stupid feelings and

you make them go away.

- Can we just go out sometime?

- If I say yes will you leave?

- Yeah, sure.

- It's not gonna happen, so get over it.

- Why?

- 'Cause I'm not interested.

- But why, tell me why.

- 'Cause you don't have enough

tattoos, there, is that better?

Go home.

(doorbell rings)

Seriously?

You guys don't bark or anything?

Yuppie guard dogs?

(dramatic sting)

(door slams)

(thunder booms)

(muffled screams)

- [Voiceover] Shhh, shhh!

Don't scream.

Don't you scream.

Calm down.

Calm down.

Shhhhh...

Want me to take this off?

Shhh.

Is that better?

- I don't know.

- What's your name?

- Please just let me go.

- What is your name?

- I can't even see your face,

why would I even, why would I

tell you what my name is?

- Okay.

Fair enough.

I mean who are you gonna tell anyway, huh?

What is your name?

Okay, you know what?

Let's have a little conversation starter, huh?

This'll help out.

Now tell me what your name is.

- My name is George.

- Okay, thank you.

Nice to meet you, George.

How old are you?

- Fuck off.

- How old are you?

You know what, why don't I ask that

little boy upstairs how old you are.

- No, please, just...

Just leave him alone.

- [Voiceover] How old are you?

- I'm 24.

- Nice.

What do you do for a living, George?

- Just let me go.

- What do you do for a living?

- I sell pot.

- That's not very wholesome, is it?

Who lives here and when are they gonna be back?

- My sister and brother-in-law,

they just went to get some takeout,

they're gonna be right back anytime now.

- (laughs) Do the men you fuck

know how bad you are at lying, George?

Stop writhing!

Stay put, stay quiet.

Stay with me George, look at me.

Look at me.

I'm not stupid.

I saw them leave two hours ago,

that's a hell of a long time to

go and pick up Chinese.

Then you go and order pizza,

so am I missing something George?

Now answer me again.

When are they gonna be back?

- Probably two or three hours.

- Good.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

(doorbell rings)

Who is that?

- I ordered pizza.

- If you make a sound, he dies,

you die, and that little boy

sleeping upstairs dies.

I'm gonna do it right in front

of you, do you understand me?

- [George] Yes.

- Okay, shhh.

How much do I owe you?

- This is gonna sound a little weird,

see I'm a friend of George's and

I just bought the pizza off the

delivery guy as he was coming to

the door so I could deliver it to

her myself, so I just wanted to

come in and give it to her.

- Yeah, please, come on in.

- [Steven] All right.

(dramatic sting)

(thunder booms)

- Well, he wanted to surprise you, so here you go.

- Did you kill him?

- I don't know.

I hope so.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

- Why are you doing this?

- They always ask that.

- Do you even know why?

- What kind of question is that?

Huh?

Do I look like some sort of ignorant thug to you?

I do this because it is what I do, it's in my blood.

I do this because it gives me a

feeling I can't find anywhere else.

- Why?

- I dumped my brother's corpse

at the bottom of a cliff.

- What?

- You really thought I didn't know?

I mean I've been to therapy.

I've talked it out, I have books, I have Google.

Your smugness is really offensive to me!

Try walking for five minutes in my

fucking shoes before you go grandstand

telling me what I can and cannot do!

- I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that at all.

- You watch two episodes of Oprah and

all of a sudden you're a fucking

expert, shut your fucking mouth!

- I'm sorry.

- I'm gonna eat your pizza and then I'm gonna kill you.

(gasps)

- Oh my God, are you there, come on.

- George?

Hey.

- Hey buddy, it looks like you got hit

in the head pretty hard, can you stand up?

- I don't know.

I feel like I'm standing up already.

- Please, you have to get up, we have to get untied.

- My arms can't work.

- They're tied behind your back,

come on, you can get up.

- I don't think I can.

- Please try.

- I'm sorry.

I don't thin I can.

- Take deep breaths.

(coughing)

- Sorry.

I really wanna help.

- Steven?

Steven, come on, come on, buddy.

Okay, I sell you pot, right?

You like that, what else do you like to do for fun?

- What, I don't know.

- Like, what did you do when you were younger?

Where'd you go to school?

- I went to, to...

- I went to Hamilton.

I hated it.

- Why?

- School was awful, it was awful.

(dramatic sting)

When I was 12 I only had one tit.

- What?

- Like I developed, one was bigger

for a week or a month or whatever,

I had one tit and one not tit.

All the kids made fun of me,

it stuck even after I had evened

out and they would always laugh

at me and call me Biggie Smalls.

- That sucks.

- I started dressing in black

to hide my body, I started playing

drums, I would play music with

all my spare time, and I started joining

every band in school.

- That's really cool.

I didn't know you played.

- I guess it's cool.

I just didn't want people close to me.

Everybody always hurt me, my mom,

my brother, my sister.

Anytime they would try to talk

to me I would just play drums louder.

- I'm sorry.

- They all think I'm a fuckup 'cause I didn't try.

I didn't try in school, I didn't try

to get a job, but I'm not, damn it.

Now I'm gonna die in this garage and

my sister's kid's gonna die too

and it's gonna be all my fault.

George's final fuckup.

- I'm really sorry.

- Don't be sorry, just get up and untie me.

If you do, I'll put you on the list

at my band's next show, I'll buy you

a beer, I'll even sit with you.

- Like a date?

- Dude, honestly?

I'm gay, I thought I was pretty clear

on that, but I mean we can hang out.

- Still worth it.

- Nice.

- Ow.

- [George] Thanks, buddy.

- Yeah.

(thunder booms)

(ominous music)

- Did you honestly think I couldn't

hear you two gabbing in the garage?

It's like 20 feet away.

Well it looks like you're alone, so I

guess his injuries are as bad as I thought.

So that's good.

You know, I'm not stupid, George.

I'm smart.

Very smart actually.

- I'm not afraid of you.

I don't wanna be afraid of you.

- It's time.

- Fuck your fucking face, asshole!

(whimpering)

(grunts)

(police radio chatter)

- Thank you again for your cooperation.

We've been on the hunt for this

man for over a year now.

It's a lot of lost sleep.

It's a lot of missed birthday parties.

With your testimony, I think we have a slam dunk.

Your friend's on the way to the ER,

he looks rough, but I think he'll make it.

Is there anything else I can do for you?

- No, I'm okay.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

- I love you.

Thank you.

- George, I wanna thank you so much

for going above and beyond the

call of duty to protect my child.

I just have to know one thing.

Was it the serial murderer that gave my

son a piece of Laffy Taffy after 10 PM?

(crowd murmuring)

(rock music)

♫ Well I'm down

♫ Oh don't you wrestle me to the Earth now

♫ Well I'm down

♫ And I'm collapsing through the Earth now

♫ Well I'm down on the ground

♫ And I'm clowning around

♫ Well I'm down on the ground

♫ And I'm clowning around

♫ Down

♫ Don't you wrestle me to the Earth now

♫ Well I'm down

(alarm beeps)

- Great, well you know, it's been awhile since

I saw you and I just thought that maybe...

(coughing)

Right, yeah yeah, okay.

So what time do you think you'll be done with, oh.

Yeah, no, no, that's cool.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I am talking to you on a landline.

Right, yeah I know, I know, so maybe...

Well when are...

Okay.

No no, hey, no, cool, it's cool, all right.

I'll talk...

Hello?

♫ Well I'm down

♫ And I'm collapsing through the Earth now

♫ Well I'm down on the ground ♫

♫ Now that the night has ended

♫ Now that the evening's through

♫ Although I don't wanna do what I have to

♫ It's time to try and say goodbye to you

♫ Now that the lights have all been turned on

♫ The time flew by somehow

♫ Although I don't want to take a final bow

♫ It's time to try and say goodbye for now

♫ Hands on the clock keep ticking

♫ My watch is no friend of mine

♫ That's one set of hands that are pointless to hold

♫ It won't have me slow down time again

♫ Let me repeat until we meet again

♫ Let me repeat

♫ Until we meet

♫ Again ♫

- [Voiceover] Thanks, Lenny.

- Yeah, yeah yeah yeah, you'll barely feel it.

JK, no murds.

(laughing)