All language subtitles for The.Alfred.Hitchcock.Hour.S03E21.The.Photographer.and.the.Undertaker.1080p.PCOK.WEBRip.AAC.2.0.H.265.-EDGE2020_track3_[eng]

("Alfred Hitchcock" theme music)

- Good evening.

I have been asked to
explain American football.

Actually, in various forms,

the game of football is
played all over the world.

In some countries,

such a game may be
called a soccer match.

In others, a revolution.

However, there are
several differences

between a football
game and a revolution.

For one thing, a football
game usually lasts longer

and the participants
wear uniforms.

Also, there are usually more
casualties in a football game.

The object of the game
is to move this ball

past the other team's goal line.

This counts as six points.

No points are given
for lacerations,

contusions, or abrasions,

but then no points
are deducted, either.

Kicking is very
important in football.

In fact, some of the
more enthusiastic players

even kick the ball occasionally.

I trust that I have made
everything perfectly clear.

This evening's tale
is not about football.

It concerns another sport.

Murder.

I might even add the
word incorporated.

You see, our hero is
an organization man.

But first, our sponsor has
just 60 seconds left to play.

(dramatic music)

- [Announcer] The pitch.

High, inside, driving Davey
back out of the batter's box.

Scotty shakes off the next sign.

Here's the windup and the pitch.

A ground ball to
shortstop, easy play.

That brings up Wes Mantee.

Wes having a fine
year hitting 314.

He's had 21 doubles.

Scotty, the rookie, working
very smoothly out here.

- Come on, baby.

Come on, hit it.

- Now he's ready.
- Hit it outta the park!

- [Announcer] First pitch.

A fast ball, low inside.
- Come on, baby.

- [Announcer] Ball one.

Scotty with the
poise of a veteran

ready to pitch again.

That's really hit!

Going into deep,
deep center field.

That one may be gone.

It is gone, into the
center field bleachers.

(camera clicking)

That was Wes' 11th
home run of the year

and makes it a
one-nothing ball game.

Here's Johnny Rizzo
stepping up to the plate.

Scotty doesn't appear to be

shaken up by that
home run blast.

Scotty's first pitch to Rizzo.

Low outside, ball one.

Again the windup
and the delivery.

Fouled away, down the third
baseline back into the crowd,

a souvenir for one of the fans.

Count one and one on Rizzo

as Scotty rubs up a new ball.

Shakes off the sign.

Now he's into the windup,
and here's the next pitch.

A high pop-up to deep shortstop.

This ball's playable.

That's out number two
here in the fourth inning.

The next batter is center
fielder Harry Bryant.

Bryant swinging
from the left side

and the windup pitch,

and a hard line drive
going toward left field

that may come of
the wall, it does.

Around first base is Bryan
and he's going into second

with a standup double.

Uh-oh, that looks like it's
going to be all for Scotty,

as manager Lou Briganzi
walks out toward the mound.

(suspenseful music)

- Good morning, Mr. Rudolph.

- Good morning, Miss Whiting.

Any mail, Miss Whiting?

- It's on your
desk, Mr. Rudolph.

- Thank you, Miss Whiting.

(door closing)

Miss Whiting.

- [Miss Whiting]
Yes, Mr. Rudolph?

- Hold all my calls.

I don't want to be
disturbed for 10 minutes.

- [Miss Whiting]
Yes, Mr. Rudolph.

(paper rustling)

- [Man] To all
district personnel.

From national office.

Immediate.

In line with the
decision reached by
the board of directors,

regarding minutes of
the June 17th agenda,

Hotel Thanatopsis,
Lake Saranac, New York.

Immediate steps will be taken

to streamline our
present operations.

All district and local bureaus
must be drastically cut.

Only personnel with
a double A rating

will remain on the
national payroll.

We have been informed
by our consultant group

that once this economy
drive is complete,

we can look forward to
a banner year in '65.

Yours truly, Vincent
X. Costelli, national
vice president.

- Miss Whiting.

- [Miss Whiting]
Yes, Mr. Rudolph?

- Get me Granite-55099.

Ask for Ernest.

- [Miss Whiting]
Is that Mr. Ernest?

- No, no, Miss Whiting.

Just Ernest.

(ominous music)

- Good morning, Arthur.

- How are you, Mr. Leibowitz?

- Oh, can't complain.

I saw yesterday the
studio was closed.

You were away.

- Up north.

- Oh, a job?

- Wine company.
- Oh.

- Had to do some stuff
in advertising campaign.

How's business?

- Ah, I tell you, Arthur,

nowadays a man needs two
jobs just to make ends meet.

- That sure is
right, Mr. Leibowitz.

(door closing)

(bell jangling)

- Any trouble?

(snaps fingers)

- A gas.

- I've got a new
assignment for you.

- What, out of town again?

- Oh, no.

No vacation trip this time.

This job is right here.

- Great.

I'll be able to see my girl.

- Is that so?

- Yes, we're engaged.

- Oh, congratulations.

You haven't told her?

- No, don't worry.

- Women don't understand
certain things.

- Mm-hm.

You mean

women like Mrs. Rudolph?

- What did you say?

- I asked if Mrs. Rudolph
understood certain things

that you're not supposed
to tell women about.

- I never told
you I was married.

- Oh, I know you didn't,
Rudy, but you are.

And your wife is brunette,
she's five foot seven,

used to be a dancer.

And a week ago Friday night
you took her to see an opera.

I can't remember the name of it.

I think it was Italian, though.

- I don't like that, Arthur.

You've been checking on me.

I definitely don't like that!

- Nobody likes it, Rudolph!

Makes a man nervous.

Especially when he's trying

to do a good job
for an employer.

By the way, you don't happen
to know my girl's name, do you?

- Sylvia.

- Do you know when we're
going to meet again?

- 2:30, Malibu, she
bought a new bathing suit.

- By the way, what
agency do you use?

(laughs)

- Elite, you?

- Ketchum, they're much cheaper.

- I hope you haven't
put their fee

on the expense account
of your last job.

- Of course not.

I don't expect the management

to pay for my personal expenses.

- Okay, Arthur.

Business.

One must keep an eye on things.

- Oh, sure, sure, I know, Rudy.

National organization
with that kind of income,

I understand, I
just don't like it.

I happen to be loyal.

- We're all loyal, Arthur.

That's what makes a giant
enterprise like ours successful.

Now where's the proof
of your last assignment?

Ah.

I'll send it to the home
office with my next report.

Oh.

Here's the balance
of your payment.

- Uh-huh.

- Let me tell you about
the new assignment.

- [Arthur] Oh?

- Yes, it's very important.

It's important enough
to double the fee.

- [Arthur] Double?

- 10 big ones.

- With the usual 10% advance?

- Mm, and no deadline.

Although

I wouldn't put it off
too long if I were you.

- Oh.

Who is he?

(laughs)

- Something funny, Arthur?

- I was just thinking.

The address, it's only a couple
of blocks away from here.

We're practically neighbors.

- Do you know him?

- No.

But we'll fix that.

- Mm.

- Oh Rudy, as a
matter of curiosity,

supposing I'm busy and
I can't handle a job.

What does the management do?

- We have someone to take care

of a rush assignment if
you're not available.

- Do I know him?

- You mustn't be
curious, Arthur.

- I know, Rudy, it's in the
contract and all of that.

But a guy can't help
wondering, you know?

- About what?

- Do you know where
the home office is?

- East.

- Chicago?

- Used to be Chicago.

We moved.

- Oh, Rudy?

Have you ever seen him?

- Seen whom?

- The top people, the
board, the management.

- Oh, nobody sees them, Arthur.

- I bet they live good.

- [Rudolph] Good?

- You know, big cars,
beautiful women, the best food.

- Naturally.

They're executives, life
is different up there.

But you mustn't
forget the pressures.

The responsibility.

The envy.

- The envy?

- The knife, Arthur, the
knife of envy and ambition.

Watch out for it.

(ominous music)

(bell jangling)

You'll contact me?

- When the job's over.

(door closing)

(dramatic music)

(ominous music)

(car door slamming)

- Mr. Price, you're back.

- Yeah.

- Mr. Costigan was in.

- What did he decide?

- Mahogany with silver handles.

- Good.

- We've made all
the arrangements.

(dramatic music)

(waves rushing)

(sultry music)

- Arthur.

- Hm?

- Are you asleep?

- No, baby, I'm just relaxing.

- Oh, poor baby, you've
been working too hard.

- Well, honey, if we're
gonna get married.

- Daddy has to say yes first.

- What'd you tell
Daddy about me?

- I said, "Look, Daddy."

- What'd Daddy say?

- Oh.

Daddy said any jerk nowadays

can buy a diamond on
the installment plan.

- Jerk?

I paid cash.

- Really?

- Yeah, I got 10%
advance on a job,

and I just happened to
have the cash on me.

- Oh, darling.

You must tell
Daddy that tonight.

- Tonight?

- Well, yes.

He wants to talk
to you at dinner.

- What do you mean, talk?

- Talk, you know.

After all, I'm the only
daughter Daddy's got.

- You're also the
only wife I'll get.

- Oh, let's not talk
about Daddy anymore.

Let's talk about us.

Only

let's not talk.

(romantic music)

(suspenseful music)

(bell jangling)

- Methinks something
stinks in Denmark.

- An excellent dinner, my dear.

- Oh, thank you, Daddy.

Coffee, darling?
- Please.

- Why don't you go
and freshen up a bit?

I can pour Arthur's
coffee for him.

- All right.

I won't be a minute, darling.

And don't let Daddy scare you.

- Sit down, Arthur.

- Thank you, sir.

- Cigarette?

- No, thank you, I
don't smoke, sir.

- Thank you.

Some coffee?

- Yes, please, black.

- So you're a photographer.

- Yes, sir.

- Chain or independent?

- I own the studio myself.

- You like photography?

- Well, there are two things

in this world I care about, sir.

Sylvia and a good camera.

- Well, you've got the
camera, now all you need is--

- Sylvia.

That's right, sir.

- My daughter tells
me you travel a lot.

- Well, now and then, sir.

I mean, now and then I
have to go out of town.

- Is that usual in
your profession?

- I don't know whether
it's usual or not, sir.

But then again, I don't think
I'm a usual photographer.

As a matter of fact,

I think I'm kind of an
unusual photographer.

- You're not a nut, are you?

- What do you mean, a nut?

- I hear a lot of funny things
about photographers, Arthur.

But you don't photograph for
that type of magazine, do you?

(laughs)

- No, sir.

I mean, I wouldn't
take money that way.

Sylvia'd never have to worry
about anything like that.

- Good.

Good.

Brandy?

- No, thank you, sir.

- I've always given my little
girl the very best, young man.

- Well, I can see
that, Mr. Sylvester.

- Had a fellow here once,

to dinner.

Painter, wore a beard, make
me itchy just to look at him.

Well, I talked to him,
right here in this room,

as a matter of fact, just
as I'm talking to you.

I explained how my daughter
was used to a certain standard.

Never saw him again.

- Yes, sir.

- Now, mind you, Arthur,

I don't mind a man
starting out poor.

- No, sir.

- In this country, the
thing that counts is brains.

- Yes, sir.

- And competition.

- Competition, sir?

- Of course.

Take that away, and what are we?

- That's very good, sir.

I'll try not to forget that.

- Brains, competition,
and thrift.

- Thrift too?

- A dollar saved is a
dollar earned, my boy.

- Well, I know, sir,

but doesn't the government
say that we ought to spend?

- Spend?

- I mean, how can we hope to
expand business unless we buy,

isn't that right, sir?

- We can't, naturally.

- I mean, it just
seems logical to me.

- Well, I'm 100%
for logic, Arthur.

Spend.

Save and spend.

- Isn't that difficult?

- My boy, do you think
we've built this country up

doing things the easy way?

- No, sir.

- What made our railroads
and our steel industries

and oil corporations great?

- Thrift, competition,
and brains.

- And personal initiative.

- Well, I think
I have that, sir.

- Are you sure, Arthur?

Are you sure?

Not everyone has it.

- Just give me the chance, sir.

Mr. Sylvester, exactly
what would you say

Sylvia's standard is?

- Do you have $50,000, Arthur?

- In cash?

- Cash.

- Oh, no, sir.

Not yet, I don't.

I'm a little short.

- How short?

- About 30,000.

- Well, Arthur, you get
that personal initiative

going for you and slap
together another 30,000,

and then we'll talk
about a wedding.

- Here I am.

How do I look, Daddy?

- Like a million.

(phone ringing)

(bell jangling)

- Hello?

- [Hiram] Mr. Arthur
Mannix, the photographer?

- Speaking.

- [Hiram] This is
Mr. Hiram Price.

- Yes, Mr. Price,
what can I do for you?

- I would like to
make an appointment

to have a picture taken.

A portrait

that I can include in
a new business brochure

that I'm having printed.

- Of course, Mr. Price,
that can be arranged.

- [Hiram] I'm in a
hurry, Mr. Mannix.

- Would you prefer a morning

or an evening
appointment, Mr. Price?

- Evening.

I have the printer waiting.

- [Arthur] I see.

It's 10:30 now, could
you come over tonight?

- Yes.

I can be there in half an hour.

Nice of you to accommodate me.

- Not at all, Mr. Price.

(receiver clicking)

(board creaking)

(light switch clicking)

(board creaking)

(ominous music)

- This is the end
of the first half.

Please change sides.

Before we begin the second half,

your local coach wishes
to give you a pep talk.

(ominous music)

(bell jangling)

(door closing)

- [Arthur] Mr. Price?

- That's right, Mr. Mannix.

I'm here.

Right on time.

- [Arthur] Have a
chair, will you please?

(door closing)

- Where are you, Mr. Mannix?

- [Arthur] I'm in the darkroom.

I'll be with you in a moment.

- [Hiram] A rush
job, Mr. Mannix?

- [Arthur] What's that?

- I said a rush job?

- [Arthur] Oh, yes.

- [Hiram] Any more sittings
this evening, Mr. Mannix?

- Beg your pardon?

- I said any more
sittings this evening?

- [Arthur] Oh, no.

- Nice studio you have here.

- [Arthur] Thank you.

- Nice and quiet.

- I beg your pardon?

- I said nice and quiet.

- Oh, yes.

I don't like to be disturbed
when I have a job to do.

- Neither do I.

Mind if I smoke?

- [Arthur] I can't
hear you, Mr. Price.

- I said mind if I smoke?

No fire laws in here, are there?

- [Arthur] No, go right ahead.

- I like quiet in
my business too.

- What business are
you in, Mr. Price?

- I'm in the undertaking
business, Mr. Mannix.

- [Arthur] Did you say
the undertaking business?

- [Hiram] That's right.

(board creaking)

That's what I said, Mr. Mannix.

Undertaking.

- Ha!
- Ah!

- All right, Mr. Price.

Now let's return to the studio.

We've got a lot to talk about.

Have a seat, Mr. Price, here.

- Uh, karate, huh?

- Yes.

- I never studied it.

- [Arthur] It's an
interesting weapon.

- Maybe.

The costume, that canvas
kimono, stopped me.

- You strictly knife?

- Yeah.

Most of the time.

Well, what now?

Police?

- The police?

(laughs)

No, of course not.

- I did try to kill you.

You must have gathered that.

- I did.

But you didn't succeed, did you?

- No.

My first failure.

- [Arthur] Really?

- In 10 years.

(tuts)

- Too bad.

- You knew that darkroom
would blind me, hm?

- Oh, of course.

- Excellent tactics.

- Oh, not tactics, Mr. Price.

Details.

That's where success
and failure lies.

In details.

- And I got careless.

- No, I'd say overconfident.

- Maybe.

If not the police, what?

- I'm going to kill
you, Mr. Price.

- Kill me?

- Not immediately.

I think first we should discuss
how you're going to die.

- Death is death.

The cosmetics don't help.

- Oh, I disagree
with you, undertaker.

In our business, how a man
dies is very important.

- Who are you?

- More important, Mr.
Price, I know who you are.

And I know that you were hired
by the management to kill me,

and I know why you
were hired to kill me.

- Even I don't know that much.

- That's why you're going to
die, and I'm going to live.

- I don't understand that.

- It's really quite
simple, Mr. Price.

We're both in the same business.

- We're both undertakers?

- No, not undertakers.

Executioners, Mr. Price.

Now, I'm known to the
management as the photographer.

Have you heard of me?

- No.

- Well, at any rate,

I was assigned this morning
to kill you by the management,

or at least by one of
their representatives.

- Which representative?

- A lawyer by the
name of Rudolph.

- I don't know him.

- My contract was for $10,000,
with the usual 10% advance.

- I got 5%.

- What was your total payment?

- [Hiram] Same as
yours, 10 grand.

- There, you see?

- See what?

- It's a contest, Mr. Price.

- A contest?

- Between you and me.

The professional executioners.

Both of us employed

by the management.

- But why?

- To see which of us was the
cleverer, the more reliable.

The more efficient.

- Hm.

I didn't know there
were two of us.

But even so, why would they put

two of their best operators
at each other's throats?

Is it a game?

Are they that bored?

- Oh, no, no, no.

They had a reason.

- Business is dull?

- No, Mr. Price,
business is automated.

You see, they only need
one of us now on the staff.

- One?

- That's right, Mr. Price.

Naturally the one they keep
has got to be the best one.

- Naturally.

- I mean, we can't fight

industrial progress,
can we, Mr. Price?

- Did you know who I was when
they gave you the assignment?

- No.

You know the
organization's policy.

Nobody knows anybody
except his own contact.

It's a security measure.

- When did you
first check on me?

- About one o'clock.

When I returned to my studio,

I saw your hearse
across the street.

Obviously you were
casing my studio.

You know I sat here
for a half hour

trying to figure out why.

It could mean only one thing.

I mean, a contest
had to be the answer.

- I think the management played
both of us a low-down trick.

- Oh, just standard
business practice,

Mr. Price, that's all.

Besides, the winner
will be generously paid.

May I, Mr. Price?

5%?

- I didn't have time
to go to the bank.

- Fortunately.

Oh, marriage is
such an expensive

proposition these
days, Mr. Price.

- I'm a bachelor.

- [Arthur] Really?

Well, that'll make
it easier, then.

- Easier?

- Yes.

I must kill you, undertaker.

You appreciate that, don't you?

- Of course.

- As a professional, I mean.

- I understand your
position, Mr. Mannix.

- Now, I can kill
you quickly or--

- Crudely.

- Very crudely.

- What do I do to
be accorded this

mercy killing of
yours, Mr. Mannix?

- Not very much, Mr. Price.

I'd like the name of your
contact at the home office.

I also want to know how
you get in touch with him,

and I want to know what system
of nullification you use.

- Nullification?

That what you call it?

- Yes.

- Sentimental, aren't you?

- I prefer nullification to
murder or rub out or hit,

or whatever other words

the organization used
when it was founded.

Is Rudolph your contact?

- No.

- Well, who is he?

Come on, undertaker,
tell me his name!

- I'll tell you,
photographer, but not because

you scare me with any
threats of a lingering death.

I have nothing
but contempt for--

- I don't care why, I
just want you to tell me.

- I'll tell you
because the conduct

of the home office in
this transaction happens,

in my opinion, to
be very unethical.

- Oh, well, I agree
with you about that.

Out of line.

- Inexcusable.

- And even more
important, undertaker,

it's bad for the morale.

- Exactly.

A business depends
not only on loyalty

between organization and man,

but between man and
man, am I right?

- Ho, ho, ho, you
hit it, undertaker.

Now tell me your contact's name.

- Ernest.

- Ernest?

That's all?

No second name?

- No.

- How do you get paid off?

- We meet in the park,
usually around closing time.

- How do I recognize him?

- He carries a
newspaper under his arm,

open to the obituary page.

- And what method do you use?

- Knife, usually, like I said.

Sometimes fire.

With fire, the arson covers
up the evidence of the

nullification.

(laughs)

- Thank you, undertaker.

Well, with that information,

I should be able to
have a little fun

at the expense of
the home office.

- Is that what you
want, a little fun?

- Well, I thought it
might amuse you too.

- My ghost, maybe.

- Well, there are some things

we just have to enjoy
when we're dead.

- Perhaps.

On the other hand,
maybe I won't be dead.

(knife thudding)

- Congratulations, undertaker.

That's pretty good.

The organization is losing
a very competent man.

I'll try and make this quick.

(dramatic music)

(camera clicking)

(flames crackling)

(laughs)

(pop music)

Ernest?

- Did you say Ernest, young man?

- Yeah, daddy.

- Oh, shut that off, will you?

I can't hear you.

(sighs)

Who sent you?

- My uncle.

- Sit still.

- Daddy, you is a real drag.

- A funeral, eh?

- Mm-hm.

- Lucky it's not his own.

- Hoo hoo, you can
encore that, daddy.

- Here.

This is for your uncle.

Do you understand?

- Mm.

- And don't lose it.

- Mm-mm.

- Um, tell your uncle I've
wired the home office.

They'll be very pleased
with his performance.

Now, can you remember that?

- Mm-hm, yeah, daddy.

Yeah.

The home office and
I'll tell my uncle.

Hiram.

- Don't you think you'd
better put that envelope away?

- Daddy, it's away.

- In line with the
recommendations of
the national board

as outlined in your
memo of the 27th,

the following results--

(intercom buzzing)

Yes, Miss Whiting?

- [Miss Whiting] There's a long
distance call, Mr. Rudolph.

From San Francisco.

- Who is it?

- [Miss Whiting] The gentleman
wouldn't give his name.

Will you take it?

- Yes, I'll take it.

Jonathan Rudolph speaking.

- [Arthur] This is
the photographer.

- Who?

- [Arthur] Your office,
Rudy, tomorrow night.

- Hello?

Hello!

(suspenseful music)

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

- [Operator] San
Francisco calling.

- [Arthur] Sylvia?

- Yes, this is Sylvia.

Who are you?

- [Arthur] Honey,
it's me, it's Arthur.

Don't you recognize my voice?

Sylvia?

Sylvia, are you all right?

Why don't you answer me?

This is Arthur, I'm
in San Francisco.

Are you there?

Honey, I'll be back
in town tomorrow.

(door opening and closing)

- How did you do it?

(laughs)

- Here.

That's Mr. Price.

You know, I think I'll
try color the next time.

- Mm.

The newspapers said that
your studio burned down.

- Yes, a pity too.

I had a great darkroom.

- They also said that you were
in the studio when it burned.

- Obviously a mistake.

That was my friend, Mr. Price.

He was in the
undertaking business.

- Of course.

Of course you were
in San Francisco.

- Exactly.

Where I called you from
and what I told the police.

- You went to the police?

- I had to.

I couldn't very
well let the police

think that I was dead, could I?

- What did you tell them?

- That Mr. Price had a
girlfriend and that he couldn't

very well entertain her
in his undertaking parlor.

- So you lent him your studio.

- Uh-huh.

- Too bad you had to lose it.

- Well, it was insured.

- Ah.

I suppose you went to
the insurance company

as well as the police.

- First thing this morning.

- Lucky you were
in San Francisco.

You might have
been in that fire.

- Oh, I'm very careful, Rudy.

- Not like Price.

- Mm.

(laughing)

Of course he
usually was careful.

Except this once.

- The once is enough.

- Mm-hm.

- I suppose you have
a very good friend

in San Francisco who
will confirm your visit

in case the police or the
insurance company check.

- Oh, a very good friend.

- I see.

Well,

I'll pass this on to the
accounting department.

Oh, I suppose you want
the rest of your payment?

- Well, I do need it.

- Business?

- I'm getting married.

- When?

- Pretty soon now.

One more assignment
should do it.

- [Rudolph] 9,000.

Oh, it's all there, Arthur.

- I trust you, Rudy.

- You know, Arthur,

I might be able to hurry
those wedding bells.

- Do you mean the home office

has given you a new
assignment for me?

- Oh, no, no, no, this
isn't for the home office.

This is personal.

For me, Arthur.

It's just a job you'd do for me.

- Oh?

- '65 is gonna be a big
year in our business.

The organization
is streamlining,
eliminating deadwood.

This is the time to move ahead.

- Go ahead, I'm listening.

- What is success, Arthur?

It's a ladder.

How do you climb it?

One rung at a time.

I'm ready to move up
that one rung, Arthur.

- So am I, Rudy, so am I.

- We'll move up together.

All right, Arthur?

- Same rate?

That'll give me the exact
amount I need to get married.

- This one isn't like Price.

This should be easy.

This one's a fool.

(paper tearing)

(pop music)

- Hugo?

Are you in there?

- [Arthur] Yeah, daddy.

- Your uncle's dead.

It's right here in the paper.

You stole that money, young man.

Don't you know it's dishonest

to take money under
false pretenses?

A man gets ahead by merit,
young man, not by stealing.

(body thumping)

(crowd chattering)

- Oh, darling, Daddy
would have been so happy.

- Well, don't cry, baby.

Look at it this way.

If it hadn't been for old
Ernie, we wouldn't be here.

(sweeping music)

- Who says this program
doesn't have heart?

Arthur and Sylvia lived
happily ever after,

she in San Diego, and
he in San Quentin,

one of California's
finest prisons.

There his roommate turned
out to be Mr. Rudolph.

It was rather sad to see
Arthur's career cut short.

By the time he was apprehended,

he was only one heartbeat
away from a vice presidency.

A further note about football.

A gunshot usually signals
the end of the game,

which is where we are now.

(gun firing)

Oh dear, we shall have to
get a new referee next time.

Goodnight.

("Funeral March
of a Marionette")

(regal fanfare)