All language subtitles for The.Alfred.Hitchcock.Hour.S03E05.See.the.Monkey.Dance.1080p.PCOK.WEBRip.AAC.2.0.H.265.-EDGE2020_track3_[eng]

- Good evening.

I am attempting to assist
my brother, Alfred,

in introducing this
evening's chilling shocker.

It is called See the Monkey
Dance.

There seems to be no
end to the humiliations

which I suffer in the
name of art and profit.

See the Monkey Dance, indeed.

One of the disadvantages of show
business

is that although it is sometimes
possible

to put the actors on strings,

the audience is considerably
more difficult to manage.

We are experimenting with
a limited type of control,

using a single string and
tying them to their seats.

Tonight's play is indeed
entitled See the Monkey Dance.

It is a story of a man who finds
himself

involved in a mad charade

which he neither
understands nor can escape.

It begins in a few moments.

- [Conductor] Langendolen.

- I say, how long are we
stopping here?

- [Conductor] Three or four
minutes, that's all, sir.

- Thank you.

(phone dinging)

- [Operator] Linwood exchange.

- Hello, miss?

- [Operator] Number please.

- I'd like Glynmon 239, please.

- [Operator] 239?

- Yes, and hurry, thank you.

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

- Hello?

Is that you?

- [Wife] Yes, baby.

- Aw.

Are you alone?

- Yes, baby.

I'm all alone.

You can say what you want to.

The other won't be back until
Monday.

Two, count 'em, two whole lovely
days.

- Easy, now, dear.

Not on the phone.

Switchboards are just
another way of advertising.

I will be at the usual
place in about half an hour?

- Darling sits here all by
herself in this great, big house

with no one to even hold her
tiny hand.

- Dear, not on the phone!

You'll save it till later on?

There's a girl.

- In an hour, baby.

- One hour, my love.

One hour.

(laughs)

(whistle tweeting)

- Oh, yes.

Yes, indeed.

Two whole days.

Count them, two.

Good evening.

- How typical.

So you're going to read, are
you?

- I beg your pardon?

- I beg your pardon.

I said, as you well know, so
you're going to read, are you?

- I was thinking of it, yes.

- Typical, typical.

Here it comes.

- If you don't mind.

- If you don't mind.

Right on cue.

No, I don't mind.

It's probably all for the best.

Typical.

- What is so typical, if I may
ask?

- Ask away.

- Well?

- Well what?

You were going to ask me
something.

You said if I may ask.

You are typical.

That's what is typical.

- Now, just exactly how do
you know that I am typical?

- Because everything you do

is just what one would expect
you to do.

- All right, then, I am typical.

Now, that is just one
more little thing in life

that we shall have to
put up with, isn't it?

Now--
- Here it comes.

- If you don't mind.

- If you don't mind.

It used to be frightfully upper
class, "if you don't mind."

Aristocratic approbation, ever
so genteel.

If you don't mind.

But actually now, old boy,
it's become rather vulgar,

and I'd rather you didn't use
it.

If you don't mind.

- Now look here, will you please
tell me

if you have decided to annoy me

until we reach the next station?

Because if so, I shan't
try to read at all.

- I'm not trying to annoy you.

- Well, then, let me put it this
way.

You have succeeded without
trying.

- Well, I certainly didn't
think I was annoying you.

- Well, you were.

- But I'm not now, am I?

- Would you like something
to read or are you too drunk?

- I'm not drunk.

- Then you should see a
psychologist.

- And I have something to read,
thank you.

- All right, then, why
don't you read it, then?

- Very well.

You don't have to take that
attitude.

Of course, it's typical of your
kind

to be rude to strangers.

(cries)

- Are you all right?

- Yes.

- [George] Are you sure?

- Yes.

I'm sorry I annoyed you.

I'm really not like that.

Please forgive me.

- Oh no, that's quite all right.

- I work too hard, you see.

- Oh, that's a common fault
these days.

- It's when the pressure comes
off

I have a tendency to
go boyishly hysterical.

- I see.

- I've been to the psychologist,

and they say it's a
perfectly normal reaction

to my sort of work.

- I see.

- [Stranger] I'm dreadfully
sorry.

- That's quite all right.

- I'm a physicist.

- Oh, how interesting.

- I'm afraid that's all the
Ministry

will allow me to say about it.

- I'm in the brokerage business
myself.

The City.

- Oh.

- Nothing but high pressure.

I tell you, I don't think I
could stick it

myself these days if I
didn't have a little place

in the country I could
go to near Llandrin.

- Near Llandrin?

- Yes.

- That's a coincidence.

I have a place myself near
Llandrin.

- Really?
- Yes.

Isn't it a charming little town?

- Well, now, I said that I
had a place near Llandrin.

Actually that does make it
sound rather grand, doesn't it?

Really, you see, well, I have a
caravan.

I have it parked on the edge of
a field

on a hill over the town.

- A caravan.

- Yes.

- You have a caravan?

- Yes.

(laughs)

- Isn't that a laugh!

(laughs)

- I don't use it very often.

(laughs)

I don't see what there is that's
so funny

about having a caravan, however.

- No, no, no, the fact is,

I have a caravan too.

- Oh.

You do?

- Yes.

- Really?

- Yes.

But I think we were both
referring

to them ever so vaguely as

country houses, weren't we?

(laughs)

- Well, one does always
put on a little side, eh?

- Look here.

My caravan's on the edge
of a farm over the town,

just like yours.

- Oh, really?

- Yes.

Strange we haven't met before.

- I thought I knew the area very
well.

I used to spend all my weekends

walking all through the country.

I mean, I still do.

Unless I'm tied up.

- Who owns the farm you are on?

- Williams.

Williams' dairy farm.

- Oh?

I'm on Williams' property too.

- Williams', the dairy?

- Yes, Williams', the dairy.

Curious, isn't it, that we
hadn't seen one another.

- Tell me, where are you parked,
exactly?

- Well, it's rather difficult to
describe.

- Look.

I go out of the station.

I walk straight through
the town, past the pub.

There I cut through the
alleyway out of the town,

and I take the footpath
past the brook, up the hill.

- Yes, yes, I know exactly where
you mean.

I go that way myself.

- Then I go down the
road for about 150 feet.

There's a gate.

I am parked right inside that
gate

in the corner of the field.

- Tell me, when did
our sly friend Williams

rent this caravan to you?

- Oh, he didn't rent it to me.

Oh, no, no, I lease the land
from him.

The caravan is mine.

I moved it there myself.

I've had it there for years.

- Most curious.

- We simply can't be talking
about the same place.

No, we can't, because when
Williams leased that land to me,

he promised me that he would not
allow

anyone else to park there.

- He told me the same thing.

And as far as I could see three
weeks ago,

he hadn't broken his word.

- I believe it's in my lease.

I mean, he got...

What did you say?

- There was only one
caravan on Williams' farm,

and that was mine.

A green one.

Parked in the position
you've just described.

- You're having another one
of your spells, aren't you?

- I believe we're going
to be late this evening.

In the hundreds of times
I've taken this train,

I don't think it's been on time
once.

Is that your experience too?

- Yes.

No.

The train is never on time.

Oh, look, don't you think
we should talk about this?

I mean, I don't see any
necessity for rudeness.

There's just been a little
mistake.

Now, look, we can't possibly
both of us

own the same caravan, now, can
we?

Actually, I think it's very
interesting.

Oh, here, allow me.

You know, I think it's
one of those things,

once we have it straightened
out,

it's going to make a
very, very funny story.

I'm sure the whole thing is
explainable.

- By my madness, you mean.

- Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no, I didn't say
that.

- But you think I'm mad, don't
you?

- No!

- So.

You pretended to own my caravan

just to torment me, didn't you?

- No.
- Just to see

the monkey dance!

- There's just been a little
mistake.

- I have made no mistake.

I am going to my green caravan,

the position of which you
described very accurately,

and I'm going to spend the
weekend there,

resting and taking walks
in the surrounding country.

I hope I shan't be bothered by
anyone.

'Cause these weekends away from
my work are very important.

Not only to me but in
some small way, I believe,

to the defense of this nation.

- Well,

I'm not going to argue about the
obvious.

It's my caravan, and there is no
argument.

How many beds are there in your
caravan?

My caravan has one large bed.

It's a permanent bed.

The sink is stainless steel,
the tap is nickel plated,

and it has an H on it instead of
a C,

even though it is cold water.

That's because the day I
went into the shop to get it,

it was the only one they had.

There are yellow curtains on the
window.

I'm afraid they're not very well
made,

because I put them up myself.

- Liar, I put those curtains up!

So you have been in my
caravan, you rotten sneak!

But you know about the tap.

How did you know about the tap?

It was the last one in the shop
that day.

You couldn't have known!

How did you know that?

- You're

repeating my own words back to
me.

You're crazy.

You can't fool me.

You're some kind of nut,
that's what you are.

- You believe that if it
comforts you.

- It's my caravan.

We are talking about my caravan.

- [Stranger] We'll see
who sleeps there tonight.

- Say what you like.
- Now,

if you don't mind.

- Now, if you don't mind.

If that isn't typical.

- I beg your pardon?

- I said if that isn't typical,

typical of a grade-A nut,
I don't know what is.

- If you continue to annoy me,

I shall pull the emergency cord.

- Annoy you!

The key!

Ah, now, I have the key.

Now, tell me, would I have
the key to your caravan?

- How did you get that key?

- Thought you'd say that.

Typical!

- When you lit my cigarette,

you picked my pocket, didn't
you?

Give me that key!
- Ah!

Ha ha.

- You swine!

- Ha ha.
- Here!

- [George] Ooh!

- Take that!

Ooh!
- Oh!

- Oh!

- Now, you forced me to do that.

You did, it was self defense.

There was nothing else I could
do.

Now, I'm sorry if I hurt
you, but you forced me.

- Give me back my key.

- Oh, look here.

Don't you think you have
carried this far enough?

Now, if you give me any more
trouble,

I am going to go to the police.

- Yes, I'm sure they'd like
to hear how you assaulted me!

- That was self defense, anyway.

- We'll see.

- Oh!

- [Conductor] Llandrin!

- I don't care what you say.

I am going to my caravan.

If there is any trouble,
I'm going to the police.

Taxi!

(suspenseful music)

Oh, I beg your pardon.

- Ahem.

(phone dinging)

- [Operator] Operator.

- Miss?
- Yes?

- I would like Glynmon 239,
please.

And I'm in rather a hurry, thank
you.

(phone ringing)

(light music)

(door closing)

Go away and leave me alone!

What are you doing?

He's out of his mind.

You.

Clear off my land.

This is my field and my caravan.

And if you don't clear off,
I'm going to call the police.

(window rattling)

What are you digging that hole
for?

- I'm digging this hole for you,
George.

- For me?

- I may dig another for your
girlfriend,

but I haven't made up
my mind about that yet.

- What girlfriend?

- She'll be along in a little
while.

Your girlfriend.

- But I haven't got a
girlfriend.

Are you stark raving mad?

- Two whole lovely days.

Two, count them.

- All right, then, I do have a
girlfriend.

What business is that of yours?

Uh-oh.

I suppose that I must
not bring my girlfriend

into your caravan, is that it?

- It isn't my caravan.

I was just fooling you.

I didn't know where it was.

I wanted to make sure you'd lead
me to it.

- Who are you?

- Take a guess, George.

- Her husband.

What rotten luck.

Now, look here, old man.

I am not going to try and lie to
you.

- That's good.

- It was

simply one of those things,

and I'm awfully sorry
that it had to happen.

- I'm going to kill you, George.

Shortly after, when she
arrives, I may kill her as well,

but I haven't made up
my mind about that yet.

(door closing)

- Would you like a drink?

- Later on.

Actually, I'd rather you didn't
come any further than that.

- Why?

- Because you can run faster
than I can,

and I don't want you to get
away as the last one did.

- Now, see here.

- There's a gun in this case.

I'll use it if you step
out of that doorway.

- Look, now, surely we
can talk about this.

- Not really.

The one thing we have in common,

I mean our woman, George,

is a joy to you and an agony to
me.

What can joy possibly say
that agony will understand?

- I didn't know you felt
that way about your wife.

Really I didn't.

- That's about all one can say.

Of course, if we had
time to know one another,

we might become friends.

Not really good friends.

I find you a bit pompous.

Certainly the best of
acquaintances.

- Oh, now, see here, I don't
think

it's too late at all for
us to become friends.

- Now, now, George.

- No, no, no, it's true.

Oh, I do have a pompous streak.

It's my business.

I am so glad that you mentioned
it.

Most of my friends,

they would never bring it to my
attention,

and one should know these
things.

One should have a friend who
will tell him these things.

- I do wish you'd try to be
brave.

Of course, I can understand your
anxiety,

but she'll be along in a
minute and it'll all be over.

You've had a good run for your
money.

Now it's time to pay.

Was she nice to you, by the way?

- If you love your wife, how
can you possibly ask me that?

- Because I love her that I can
ask.

I live in the eye of this little
hurricane

of misery and anguish, George.

I only ask because she treated

her last boyfriend most
abominably,

as if he were some sort of
animal.

Dirt under her feet.

I felt sorry for him, myself.

Oh, you didn't know there'd been
others.

I'm sorry.

I should have broken
it to you more gently.

Yes, come to think of it,

it's harder for a
boyfriend to find that out

than a husband, really.

There's so much ego
involved in being a lover.

A husband doesn't have to
go on proving anything.

Yes, she's quite a girl, our
woman.

But I decided it had to stop.

So I set out to kill the last
one.

And I certainly would have,

but for an unfortunate
occurrence.

- What happened?

- Oh, don't hope it will happen
again.

I hadn't practiced using the
gun.

I missed, hit him in the leg.

Ironic, because I understand

he's got a limp today, just like
mine.

Anyway, he ran off, and I
allowed our woman to pacify me.

It was a mistake.

- Oh, oh, no, no, I don't know.

Now, didn't you feel better
after?

I mean, after you'd calmed down?

- Yes, but then it all began
again.

Nothing in life is ever really
cured,

George, by calming down.

One must keep one's
fire in the belly going.

Stoke it up.

Push the day's action to a
climax.

Why don't you have a few more
drinks?

No use going out with the
shakes.

How did she treat you, George?

- Very well, I suppose.

Oh, I don't know!

- You don't know?

- No!

- Does it embarrass you to talk
about her?

- Yes, I suppose it does in a
way, yes.

- Youth seems to be fashionable.

- Youth?

- Yeah.

They're getting younger
and younger these days.

You weren't on much of a poetic
plane with her, were you?

All tickle and slap, was it?

- I don't know very much
about women, really.

- Oh, you aren't a married man?

- No, no!

- That's good.

That makes it much easier for
me.

(car engine revving)

- No, wait--
- Step out here.

Come on.

Come on.

Turn around.

I want to hear her say your
name.

That's going to be the signal.

When she says "George."

- You are being rash.

If we could only talk.

- Oh, lower your hands,
you look ridiculous.

It'll be the last sight of your
lives,

so you might as well make
her think you're a brave boy.

- Please, please, you can't.

(car engine revving)

- I didn't think it was her.

She's fast, but not that fast.

Here, you dig for a while.

Keep your mind off things.

- Me?

- Yes, hop in there.

Go on.

Well, dig!

(George growls)

- You'll never get away
with this, you know.

- Here, you're feeling
better already, aren't you?

- They'll hang you.

If there's a God in
heaven, they will hang you.

- Yes, I fully expect they will.

Unless I can establish a
diminished responsibility.

Pressure of work and all that.

Actually, I'm rather
looking forward to it.

You see, George, I've given up.

And like you, I need this woman
on a very permanent basis.

I only feel at ease when I'm
with her.

When she's beside me in a
room, my mind stops working,

and the door closes on the
world,

and all is well, and I'm at
home.

I suppose she is my home.

Can you understand?

- Well, yes.

I felt that way with my mother.

- Yes, that would explain
why you never married.

- Now, surely we can come
to some sort of agreement.

What good is it going to do to
kill me?

- It isn't a matter of good,
actually.

- Killing me is not going to
make your wife a better woman.

- I do wish you'd dig more and
talk less.

- It isn't going to
make her love you more.

- You're making it very
difficult for me.

I don't want to start
feeling sympathy for you.

- I don't deserve to die
for this, and you know it.

Oh, look, it's not the same
today.

A hundred years ago, yes.

Then they thought of a woman
as a sort of possession.

- Yes.

- Like your horse.

If a man stole your wife or
your horse, you shot him.

- Mm.

- But not anymore.

No, we don't do that anymore
today.

A man doesn't own a wife today.

More likely the wife owns him.

- Keep digging.

I've made up my mind.

Nothing is going to
change my mind this time.

Nothing!

- You'll never forgive yourself.

It's an injustice.

- It is not an injustice.

I have ever moral right.

(car engine revving)

Here, get inside.

Get in there where I
can keep an eye on you.

(sighs)

Close the door.

- I would seem to be
at the end of my rope.

But I still have a long way to
go.

Our second half follows this
announcement

from your friendly neighborhood
television station.

- That's better.

Extraordinary what a softening
effect

the evening air has upon a man's
brain.

I was almost beginning
to weaken out there.

You don't look nearly as
deserving in here, I must say.

All scared and sweaty.

How could she bear you?

Yes, I think I could shoot you
in here

without feeling too much grief.

- There is absolutely no
necessity for being rude.

You yourself said there
was nothing personal.

It's purely an accident of fate

that I happen to be sitting
here.

- True.

- If she was as free and easy as
you say,

it could easily have been
somebody else.

- Do shut up.

- I mean that I am not
responsible for the way I look.

I did not design myself.

- Don't worry, you're about
to undergo some alterations.

Save a drop for me.

I may want to get drunk later
on.

- Oh.

Oh, so you admit it.

You don't want to go
through with this at all.

- No, but I'm going to.

- How did you know that
I was on that train?

- I know about the whole
weekend.

- A detective!

You had her trailed.

I didn't tell you, so she must
have.

- On the contrary, you did tell
me.

You gave me the whole plan.

You know that habit she has

of tucking things into
the top of her dress?

- Yes, used tissues, mostly.

Infuriating habit.

- Well, that's where she tucked
your letter when it arrived.

- Letter?

Letter?

What letter? I never wrote her a
letter.

- Then she went out to do some
gardening, and it fell out.

Surprising, because she's rather

well endowed in that respect.

Anyway, I found the letter the
next day,

lying on the compost heap.

"Dear darling baby."

- But I never wrote her a
letter.

Do you think I'm a fool?

- Told me earlier you
didn't have a girlfriend.

- Yes, but I never wrote her a
letter!

(knocking on door)

- She must have left her car in
the town.

Open the door.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, now,
look, there has been a mistake.

- Open the door.

- No, look, you've got to listen
to me.

- I want her to see you.
- I never wrote her a letter.

- I want to hear her.

I want her to see you die!

- No, no, look, please,
please listen to me.

I'm innocent.

- Open the door!
- I'm not guilty.

(knocking on door)

- [Stranger] Open the door.

(gasps)

(knocking on door)

- My father saw your light.

Look you, I brought you
your milk, Mr. George.

- [George] Thank you.

(exhales)

- In front of that little girl.

- I, I--
- Terrible thing.

- [George] I never wrote her a
letter.

- It would have affected her
whole life.

- I never wrote her a letter.

I never wrote her a
letter in my whole life.

I am innocent.

- Oh, would you stop mumbling?

You're not innocent.

You admitted you're guilty.

Even if you didn't write that
letter,

you're still guilty, aren't you?

- Yes, but I--

- Oh, stop trying to squirm out
of it.

Anyway, I don't believe you.

- You've got to believe me!

- There.

There it is.

Do you deny you wrote that
letter?

- Oh!

That's not my, I didn't write
that,

that's not my handwriting.

It's not!

- "Dear darling,

"I have missed you so
dreadfully,

"dreadfully since last our lips
touched.

"But baby must not think of
that,

"or he will become too excited

"to write his darling a letter.

"All night baby has been
awake--"

- Does that sound like me?

- I confess you don't look the
type

to write drivel like this.

But then no man does, and
there's a lot of it written.

- Wait a minute.

Read that again.

- "Wondering what his darling

"has been doing with
her little self all day,

"and if the dreadful ogre--"

- Ogre, ogre, ogre.

Look, that sounds like her.

That's the way she writes.

- Don't be ridiculous.

Why would she write a
letter, sign your name to it,

and then go to all the trouble

of mailing it to herself
and having me find it?

(grunts)
Sit down!

- No!

Now look.

You look at this.

Now look, that's my handwriting,
look!

(paper rustling)

- You disguised your writing.

- Oh, did I know that you
were going to find it?

- No, no, that's true.

Oh.

- Yes.

- Oh, no.

- She knew you'd try to kill me.

- You poor devil.

How she must hate you.

- Oh, don't feel sorry for me.

No, she doesn't hate me.

She doesn't feel anything for
me.

I am merely a diversion for the
weekend.

It's you she's after.

- Me?

- You'd hang if you killed me.

- Oh.

- It's clever.

That way, she would be rid of
both of us.

- No, no.

- She's bored.

She's always bored.

I don't mean any more to her
than a fly on a windowpane.

- She isn't that clever.

She just isn't clever!

- Isn't she?

Isn't she?

- It was the same last time!

That other poor devil

that I shot in the leg.

It was a letter then.

I found a letter that time too!

Why didn't I see it then?

- I know nobody's ever
tried to kill me before.

- She planned the whole thing.

Only it was supposed to happen
last time.

- I'm not the kind of a
fellow that one tries to kill.

- And to think I've been living

with a murderess all this time.

- It changes the whole world,

knowing that somebody wants you
dead.

Why, she could have killed
me any time she wants.

The thought of her frightens me
now.

She does frighten me.

- I wonder if she's poisoned me.

I haven't felt very well lately.

- You know, I don't think
that I will ever be able

to trust another woman as long
as I live.

- She'll be here any minute.

- Yes.

Yes, just what are we going to
do?

What is she going to do when
she finds out that we know?

- Yes, what is she going to do?

- Hm.

Well, I'm leaving.

I don't even want to see her.

Yes, and you'd better come along
too.

You know, she's capable of
anything.

She's a monster.

- No, no, no, I'm not leaving
her.

- What?

- I'll never leave her.

She mustn't find out we've
worked it out.

Promise me you won't tell her,
please!

- But why?

- Because if she knew we'd
worked it out,

she'd have to leave me.

Promise you won't tell her.

- Well, all right.

You can't live with her.

She wants you dead.

- [Stranger] I'll never leave
her.

- But she's tried to
kill you twice already.

- Yes, but I don't mind that,
really.

You see, murdering is like
hating,

and hating is a form of loving,
you know?

No, as long as she's alive,
I'll never leave her.

- Oh.

Well.

I'm off.

- I might be able to live
quite happily if she were dead.

Then I could forget her, you
see.

- Well,

be sure to close the door when
you leave.

- [Stranger] George!

- Yes?

- I'm sorry about tonight.

I'm sorry you're involved.

- That's quite all right.

- When she does kill me, of
course,

you'll be involved again,

and I'll apologize for that in
advance.

(door closing)

- How do you mean I
will be involved again?

- Well, you're her boyfriend,
you're the man with a motive.

They're bound to suspect you.

And if I know her she'll do her
best

to make it look as though
you're the guilty one.

- Yes, she will, won't she?

- I'm afraid so.

I'm sorry.

- What are we going to do?

- I don't know.

- This must be straightened out.

I simply must get out of this
mess.

I am a respectable man.

- We could kill her.

- I am not a murderer.

- I've often thought about it.

I might have the nerve to do
it if you were with me to help.

That way we'd both be free.

- That way we would both be
in jail, waiting to be hanged.

- No, no, there's another way.

As I told you, I've given
it a good deal of thought.

You know that steep hill
leading down into the town?

- Yes.

- It's a very windy and
tricky road, isn't it?

- Yes.

- That's our solution, if we're
clever.

Right.

(energetic music)

(car engine running)

(car door closing)

- Yoo hoo!

Anybody home?

(knocking on door)

George!

George?

- Hello, my dear.

- You frightened the wits out of
me.

What are you doing here?

Where's George?

- George is gone.

- What do you mean, he's gone?

- I roughed him up a bit.

And he decided that discretion

outweighed his passion for you,
my dear.

He fled.

(laughs)

- Who are you kidding?

You couldn't rough up
a blanket, you coward.

- You used to call me baby.

- Where'd he go?

George?

George!

- It's no use calling him, my
dear.

He's gone.

We had a little talk, and he
left.

- If you turned him
against me, I'll kill you.

- I explained my position,

and he agreed that I had
just and prior rights to you.

Since your dear husband
doesn't go away so often.

George and I have come

to a complete agreement
about your weekends.

- Are you mad?

I wouldn't so much as shake
hands with you

if I were wearing rubber gloves.

What did you tell him?

- I told him I loved you, which
is true.

- Get away from me.

Where'd he go?

- Please don't go.

Stay just a little while.

- George!
- For your own good!

I'm warning you.

- You're warning me?

Any more nonsense from you,

and I'll have my husband put
a kink in your other leg.

- You!

You're nothing but a tramp!

A high-class tramp!

Go on, then, go on!

I don't care!

- Thank you for the high class.

I'm going to the station
to pick up George.

If you're here when I get back,

I pity you.

- Pity yourself.

(car door closing)

(car engine revving)

(tires screeching)

(car crashing)

- She tried to kill us.

She tried to kill both of us.

Shouldn't I call the police?

Yes, they should be up here
shortly.

They will know that I
have heard the crash,

and they most certainly will
have

heard about it down in the town.

- They'll be along soon enough.

- Yes.

Then what should we do?

- Well, if I were you,
I'd run down to the curve

and show a little concern over
the corpse.

They'll recognize her car,

and people know she was
your girlfriend, don't they?

- Oh, yes.

Yes, I'll go down there right
away.

Are you coming?

- I'm not supposed to be here.

- Oh, of course.

- George.
- Yes?

- What about this grave here?

It's going to look rather
suspicious, isn't it?

To the police, I mean.

- Oh, good heavens, yes, I've
forgotten all about that.

But how am I going to be
able to fill that in in time?

I won't be able to.

How am I going to be able to
explain it?

- You'd better think of
something.

That little girl saw it, didn't
she?

- Oh, yes!

The Williams girl, I forgot!

- It's certainly going
to look very suspicious.

- Oh.

- Well, I'm going home.

- Now, wait a minute,
you're in on this too!

- It'd be bad if I were seen
about.

Got a light, George?

- Oh, yes.

Now, look, you have to help me.

I simply cannot do everything
alone.

- Thanks.

- I mean, unless you do help me,

the police will be able to
figure out

everything that happened.

- Yes, well, you'd better
get rid of that wingnut.

And the hammer.

The lead will have come off
on the wingnut, you know.

Very dangerous bit of evidence,
that.

Oh, by the way, you might get

that car grease off your hands.

It's very noticeable.

And don't forget your
fingerprints.

- Listen, look, unless you help
me,

I am going to tell the police

that it was her husband who
helped me.

Now, you are an accessory!

- Yes, well, you do that,
George.

You do that.

You tell them her husband gave
you a hand.

- Who are you?

You're not her husband.

- Did I say I was?

I don't remember that.

Really, you'd better hurry.

- Wait one moment.

You said you had never been here
before.

- Goodbye, George.

That's a good fellow.

- I'm going to tell them what
happened!

I'm going to tell them
everything that happened!

I'm going to tell them
exactly what happened!

(grunts)

(dramatic music)

There was this man.

I met him on the train.

There was this man.

You see, I did meet him on the
train.

- George was not the only
one to go down to defeat.

The authorities insisted

that the stranger go with him to
prison.

They have enough trouble
coping with crime as it is

and just didn't want to
break up a losing team.

That concludes tonight's episode

in Brother Alfred's own
theater of the absurd.

He plans to present some more
buffoonery

when he returns next time.

If he returns.

("Funeral March of a
Marionette")

(regal fanfare)