All language subtitles for The.Alfred.Hitchcock.Hour.S02E28.Who.Needs.an.Enemy.1080p.PCOK.WEBRip.AAC.2.0.H.265.-EDGE2020_track3_[eng]

("Alfred Hitchcock" theme music)

- Good evening.

I am not the driver of
this quaint vehicle.

I'm riding tourist class.

The first-class passengers ride
inside.

I'm sure I needn't tell
you who is in there.

They come as standard equipment.

One schoolmarm, a minister,
a lady of doubtful virtue,

a man unjustly accused of
murder, and a drunken doctor

who will die later in the
picture.

Actually, one shouldn't
be too hard on the doctor.

I'm sure it's clear now why I
prefer riding on the outside.

This evening's saga misses being
a western

by some 70 years and 3,000
miles,

but the spirit is there
nonetheless.

It takes place in the world of
business

where men are men and the
women are secretaries.

(horse hooves clomping)

But I see that some varmints
are about to stage a holdup,

a holdup of exactly one minute.

(gentle orchestral music)

(suspenseful music)

(soft suspenseful music)

(light switch clicks)

- Hello, Eddie.

- Goodbye, Charlie.

- Jokes, five o'clock in the
morning, how do you do it?

- What are you doin'?

- I couldn't sleep, so I decided
I'd come in a little early,

catch up on the books.

- We usually go over
them with the accountant.

- I don't trust him,
Eddie, not completely.

I keep my own audit, I meant to
tell ya.

It's a double check.

- Looks that way, doesn't it?

Partner.

- That's an odd thing to say.

- And sometimes you come
in to the office late,

like two in the morning.

- Well, ya know, I have
insomnia.

- You bought a new car.

- Oh, ya saw it?

Yeah, I was gonna show
it to ya as a surprise.

I thought maybe we could
take a few days off

and go up the mountains.

- On whose money?

- Dutch treat, like always.

- And what about your
girlfriend?

- Oh, she has a friend for you,
Eddie.

Didn't I tell ya?

Yeah, she found a great girl for
ya,

kind you always talk about.

Not my type, but yours.

- I don't know whether I can
afford

such things anymore, Charlie.

- I'll stake ya, buddy!

- Don't call me buddy.

- Hey, somethin's upsetting ya.

Somethin's really at ya.

Tell me what I can do, Eddie.

- You can return the
money you've been stealing

from the firm, Charlie.

- That's crazy.

- A new car, a big apartment.

You pay for the girl's
apartment,
too, don't ya, Charlie?

The clothes, the charge
accounts.

I have it all here, Charlie.

Read it, my friend, my good
friend, my best friend,

my old-time buddy who I grew
up with, my trusted companion.

Read it, Charlie, it's all here.

I knew since the last audit,
but I had to have proof.

- Lies.

- South American hides deal,
Charlie,

where we negotiated for
Indonesian fibers

that you traded for a
boatload of Australian wool.

- Well, at least we broke even
on it, eh?

It's right there in the books.
- Yeah, sure,

we broke even, but you made a
profit.

A kickback, Charlie, the
under-the-table payoff.

We broke even, but you, you made
a profit.

- Who's been tellin'
ya such terrible lies?

- The auditor and the
people that kicked back.

- I didn't take that much.

- How much?

- I meant to return it,
Eddie, but I was trapped.

- How much?

And where's the cash that's
left?

- Cash, what cash?

No cash is left.

- Charlie, I'll kill ya.

- I swear on our friendship,
Eddie, on my life.

- That's swearing on nothin'
right now.

- All right, okay.

I spent it all, every cent.

I was so guilty I took
it, I had to spend it

as fast as I got it, know what I
mean?

The compulsion to spend out of
guilt.

- No enemy coulda done
this to me, Charlie.

No sharpshooter in the whole
international broker game

could've taken me in like this.

Only a beloved friend.

- You're right, I know.

I known it the past three
months.

But I couldn't stop.

The nicer you were to me,
the more I wanted to steal.

Never pays to be nice to me,
Eddie.

Women who are kind to me--

- Aw, shut up!

There's still $60,000
unaccounted for, Charlie.

The private detective can't
find out what ya did with it.

The auditor can't either.

- You'd kill me for a measly
$60,000?

Me, your best friend?

Ah, I knew you'd understand.

I knew you wouldn't let anything
like money come between us.

- I'm not gonna
- Listen.

- kill you for it, Charlie,

because I want it returned in
this office tomorrow morning

or you go to jail on seven
counts of criminal fraud.

- Seven counts, that's 35 years!

- You can add when you want to,
can't you?

- I'd be 70 years old.

That'd kill me.

- Precisely.

(gentle orchestral music)

- Ungrateful monster.

- You have the craziest way
of sayin' hello, sweetheart.

- Eddie, what a friend, what a
miserable,

no good, lousy friend.

- Can I get you a drink?

- What is friendship?

Is it being nice?

Saying how do ya do, come to
tea?

Or is it being there
when ya need a friend?

- How 'bout a snack.

- Nice guy, I used to say, nice
guy.

Anybody can be a nice guy
when there's nothin' at stake.

But as soon as somethin'
goes wrong, he wants my life.

- Fried eggs, like you showed
me your mother used to make?

- All these years, through
school, through the lean years,

and the fat years, and
then we finally make it.

Make it!

Now he wants to send me to
jail till I'm 70 years old

just because I took a
lousy extra 95,000 bucks

from the business.

- You mean, all of this
came from all that?

- I made a few bad investments.

- For me?

- Some stocks, side deal on
raw rattan from the Indies.

- To think you've helped
me with stolen money.

- Borrowed, not stolen.

I just borrowed it.

Are you taking Eddie's side
against me?

- No, no, I just wondered
how you managed to do it.

You're so brilliant, darling,
you're just brilliant.

- But does Eddie appreciate it?

- He's probably jealous.

He always was jealous of you.

- 'Cause I'm younger.

- And handsomer.

- And I meet the public.

People call up, they don't
ask, "Is Eddie there?"

They ask, "Where's good old
Charlie?"

- I know I do.

- Think a man would say,
"Charlie, for all we've

"been through, I forgive you.

"Everybody makes mistakes,
everybody."

- Kiss me.

- But what does he say?

Go to jail.

- Oh, I'll miss you terribly.

- Go to jail for 30, 40 years.

- And to think you spent it all
on me.

- What good'll that money
do me in 30, 40 years?

- What money?

- How'd he figure out the
60,000 I stashed away?

How did he do it?

- 60,000?

- He's a monster.

I'll never forgive him, never.

- In cash, cool cash?

- You know he sent a
detective out to tail me?

Me, his own partner.

And you know he had the
auditor check up on me?

Me, his own partner.

And you know why he caught me?

Because I never suspected
him of such dirty tactics.

You know why I never suspected
him of such dirty tactics?

Because he was my friend
and I trusted him.

He betrayed my trust in him.

- That's really too much.

- Man like that, a man
who'd do a thing like that

doesn't deserve to live.

- Where did you leave the
60,000, honey?

- I didn't realize it,
but I've been thinkin'

about how to get rid of Eddie.

I musta been expecting him
to betray me like this.

- We could leave the country.

- Not as long as he's a witness
against me

ready to press charges.

- Well, what if you were caught,
darling?

- It'll be an accident.

He takes a walk every
night right after dinner.

I'll saw my steering bar almost
in half.

Then I'll drive straight at him,

swing the wheel, snap the bar.

Police will say the car was
outta control.

Later I accuse him of
stealing, juggling the books,

and sawing my steering bar.

- That makes me an accomplice.

- We share everything, the
money, the happiness, the guilt.

- I don't mind.

I love you and anyone who
harms you is my enemy.

- I'm gonna buy a hacksaw.

- Be careful, darling.

Drive carefully.

(bright orchestral music)

(metal snaps)

(metal crunching)

(bright orchestral music)

You did it?

- I did it, all right, I did it.

- Well, let's get the money
and get away, now, right now.

- What's the use?

- You mean there were witnesses?

- I got arrested.

- For murder and they let you
go?

- For negligent driving.

Eddie walked out, he came
towards me,

I started the car, then
he changed his mind.

For years he always walked
on that side of the street.

Tonight he had to change his
mind.

I forgot that the steering
bar was cut almost in half.

I whipped it around, it snapped
in two.

I couldn't get control in time.

I slammed into a parked car.

- I'm glad, I'm glad!

- So am I.

Even though I wrecked my
grill, I got a ticket,

I can't kill him.

I hate him, he's tryin' to
destroy me, but I can't kill
him.

- There must be another way.

- There always is.

- How?

- I mean as a generalization,
there's always another way.

- If Eddie saw you--

- He didn't.

- But if he did.

- Worst that can happen is
he saw me smash up my car.

- Then the police know who you
are.

- What difference does that
make?

What's a ticket compared to
seven charges of criminal fraud?

- Let's take our chances, get
the money,

buy our tickets, and fly
outta the country, huh?

- After Eddie files his charges
against me

I can be extradited, I
can be returned by force.

- And you can't stop him?

- I can't stop him, I can't stop
him.

(fingers snap)

That's it.

- What's it?

- I tried to kill the wrong man.

- There's only you and Eddie.

- But Eddie can't prosecute
me if I kill myself.

- You can't kill
yourself, I won't let you!

- Only for a little while.

(suspenseful orchestral music)

- I'd rather you killed him or
me.

No, him.

- I'll only kill myself
temporarily.

- What do you mean you'll
kill yourself temporarily?

- I mean not really.

- I don't understand.

- A fake suicide.

- Oh, I'm glad. (giggles)

I'm glad.

- And when the police and
Eddie are convinced I'm gone,

we can get out quietly.

- But whose body will you use?

- Mine.

- They have doctors who'll
examine you.

They'll know you're not dead.

- I'll be dead all right.

- Then you mean it.

You really mean it.

You're just tryin' to be nice to
me,

but you really are gonna kill
yourself.

- There won't be a body.

They'll just find remnants of my
suit

and shoes and some papers.

- That could only be explained
if you blew yourself up.

- We stuff one of my suits with
straw.

We put in waterproof
dynamite with a timer.

I tie some weights to it to
pull it down, down then wham!

Dynamite goes off, all they
find are bits and pieces

of good old Charlie.

- That's horrible.

- I lose a suit, but gain a
small fortune.

- (chuckles) That's horribly
wonderful.

(giggles) Darling, you're so
imaginative.

You're so creative.

- Then it's just us, doll.

- Eddie is a mighty suspicious
fellow.

Maybe the police will be
convinced, but will he?

- 500,000 gallons of water per
second

pour out to sea with the tide.

Who's gonna prove what?

Now, get me a laundry bag
and don't worry about Eddie.

(soft suspenseful music)

By the time I get through with
Eddie,

he'll only come around
to offer condolences.

We're gonna need some heavy
things.

Any old iron you got or
some junk, heavy junk,

and we'll put it into the bag.

And I'll have to get about
a hundred feet of rope.

Here's my suicide note to you.

- Can I read it now?

- Later, we got a lot to do.

- No note to Eddie?

- Nope.

- But he's your partner.

Won't it seem funny?

It'll make it all the worse.

- Gonna see him personally.

Gonna say goodbye to him
with a choke in my voice

and a tear in my eye.

(suspenseful music)

- Well, it's about time ya got
here.

- Hello, Edward.

- Where's the 60,000?

- May I talk to ya?

- Money talks, put my
money where your mouth is.

- I don't have it.

- You haul me up here
at midnight to tell me

that we're right back where we
were?

- No.

No.

- Don't try anything funny,
Charlie, I've still got my gun.

- Search me, go ahead.

Go on, search me, so we can
talk without you thinkin'

that I have some stunt I'm gonna
pull.

- All right, turn around.

- Well, this is it, Edward.

- Edward, now he calls me
Edward.

- You win, I'm finished,
through, washed up.

- And?

- And I just want you to know I
was wrong.

I know I was wrong.

There's no defense for what I
did.

- What are you up to, Charlie?

- I took the money, I stole it.

Borrowed isn't the word, I stole
it.

I took such advantage of you.

No explanation will ever justify
it.

- That's true.

- I loved ya, Eddie, as only two
friends

can love each other.

- Here we go.

- But I don't want any special
favor,

no special consideration,
no plea to go soft on me

with the police, nothin' like
that.

- Don't play on my sympathy,
Charlie.

- I don't need your sympathy,
just your forgiveness.

- Well, that does it.

I'm going to the DA's
office tomorrow morning

and swear out a criminal
complaint.

- I don't want ya to forgive me
legally,

just forgive me personally.

I expect ya to try to punish me
legally.

- You've slipped a cog.

- All right then, don't forgive
me.

Just let me confess my sin,
that's all.

You're the only person that
I ever called a friend.

- Maybe!

- Not maybe, absolutely, and you
know it.

Every deal, every idea,
every person I knew

I brought to you for approval,
your opinion of them,

only if they fitted in
with our friendship.

- Then why, why did you ruin it?

- I don't know why, but I did.

I ruined a special kind
of caring that only men

who've been through a
lot together can have,

business, a war, your first
marriage, my second marriage.

- Why, Charlie?

Why did ya do it?

- I don't know why.

If I understood for one minute,

don't ya think I woulda stopped?

- That woman put ya up to it!

- Oh, don't blame Danielle.

I gave her everything,
but she never asked.

- Destroy a relationship like
this, to willfully destroy it.

- I don't know why.

- Neither do I.

- You won't have to go through
the agony

of sending your best friend to
jail.

- A-ha!

- A-ha?

- You still want me to let
you off the hook, don't you?

- No, never, because I'll be
dead.

- Fake.

- By the time you open the
office tomorrow morning,

I'll be dead.

- Don't pull that on me,
Charlie.

- Goodbye, my friend.

- Liar!

Come back!

Charlie, don't do it!

(soft ominous music)

(metal clanks)

(soft ominous music)

(gentle music)

(metal clanks)

(playful suspenseful music)

(soft bright music)

(dial clicking)

(suspenseful music)

- No, don't jump!

Stop that man!

- Do something!

(dramatic music)

- Stop him, stop that man from
suicide.

Come on!

(dramatic music)

- [Man] Hey, what's goin' on
over there?

(bright orchestral music)

- Well, don't just stand there.

Somebody do something, jump in
after him.

(explosion booms)

(group chattering)

(Charlie sighs)

- He blew himself up.

- Somethin', huh?

- That's terrible.

- At least he went fast.

- Yeah, that's true.

- He left a note.

- Yeah.

(group chattering)

- [Man] Then the big explosive.

- [Bystander] They were over
here and I

came down there--
- And then all of a sudden,

the man was overboard and
then look what happened.

(group chattering)
- I don't know why he did it.

(group chattering)

- Couple of minutes ago
before you got here--

- Musta been suicide.

- He left this note.

- Saw the whole thing, doc.
- We tried to get to him

but there was a tremendous
explosion.

- [Bystander] I don't
know even what happened.

- It was terrible.

- Oh, it had to be suicide.

(suspenseful music)

(phone ringing)

- Yes?

- [Eddie] Did you hear from
Charlie yet?

- No, Mr. Turtin, no.

I told ya I'd let ya know the
minute

I heard from him, if I did.

- [Eddie] I know you're
as agitated as I am,

but I have a right to be
concerned about his life, too.

He was my best friend once.

(door clicks)

- Well, I can't talk now.

I'm nervous enough as it is.

Call tomorrow, okay?

- Well, honey, I'm dead.

- It worked?

- Never see good old
Charlie Osgood alive again.

- No problems?

- Maybe a few.

They'll ask you a few questions.

I have to hide out for awhile.

- Did you stop by the
apartment and get it?

- Get what?

- The money.

- It isn't in the apartment.

Here's to a glorious future,
love.

- Eddie Turtin's started
already.

Seven phone calls, seven.

- Yeah, there'll be more.

But I'll be here to bolster your
spirits.

- Here?

- Who would think of
looking for the remains

of Charlie Osgood in
his fiancee's apartment?

- Well, I'm scared, honey.

Let's clear out fast.

- Fast, but not that fast.

- Why not?

- Can't leave till after my
funeral.

(bright music)

- I trust you realize that
this is merely a weigh station,

and not our final destination.

After a brief weigh station
break,

we shall proceed on our way.

(gentle music)

- (sighs) Thank heavens
the funeral is today.

- It isn't a funeral, love.

It's a memorial service.

Isn't enough left for a funeral.

- Well, to me it's a funeral.

And would you please put a
coaster under the bottle?

When you put it on the
table it leaves rings.

- Oh, sure.

You make a very pretty widow.

- Well, I'm nervous enough to be
one.

- You shouldn't be that nervous.

Everything worked the way I said
it would.

My note to you, the one at the
bridge.

The tide washed away most of the
suit.

Everything's goin' great!

- Well, I'll let you know
when we're in South America.

- Get the tickets the day after
tomorrow.

- And the money, and the
police still watchin',

and livin' like we're in a
tenement.

Honey, you didn't put the
coaster

under the bottle like I asked
you.

- Calm down, easy, love.

- Well, you'd have been
upset, too, if you had

to go through all those phone
calls.

- Yeah, I know.

- And then having to
sit through the funeral.

How would you like to
sit through your funeral?

- Yeah, I wouldn't.

But on the other hand,
I'm sorry I have to miss

hearing Eddie deliver a eulogy
for me.

- Oh, I thought it was
very nice of him to offer.

- I didn't say no, it was great.

He sends me to jail when I'm
alive

and he gives me tributes when
I'm dead.

- Would you have done
the same thing for him?

- Still hasn't stopped
lookin' for that extra 60,000.

- Well, he can't find it, can
he?

- Not a chance.

Now, you just dry your tears.

On second thought, don't dry
'em.

They look great, very
convincing.

(doorbell buzzes)

- Oh, that's Eddie.

- Didn't I tell you that he'd
feel guilty,

do everything to help?

- But you didn't tell me
that the district attorney

would stay interested.

- Let the funeral settle down,

get me outta the papers a couple
days.

Then I make my move.

- But they keep askin' me
questions like they think

I know where the money is.

(doorbell buzzing)

- Would it make ya feel
any better if I told ya--

- Shh!

I can't keep Eddie waiting.

- Let him wait!

It's my funeral.

(somber music)

- Friends, and we were
all friends of Charles.

Loved ones, and we all loved
him.

We are here to bid farewell to a
man

who meant a great deal to
everybody in this room.

I can't pretend we all
know the circumstances

of his last days.

It's been published in
all the daily newspapers.

But it can not be viewed
as the decline and fall

of a fine man.

It must only be viewed as part
of the tragic circumstances

of a man who loved life too
well.

But it's not for us to judge
him, only to praise him.

He was a true friend, a true
companion,

a pleasure to spend long hours
with, who you could rely on.

In a time of crisis, he
never let ya down, ever.

Except toward the end a little.

No, no, no, not a little, not at
all.

It's not for us to judge him.

Now, he was everything
that a man should be.

Firm and strong when he should
be,

gentle and considerate
when he wanted to be.

Noble and pure when he had to
be.

And if he ever took anything
that didn't belong to him,

and he did, but that's over,
that's done,

that's past and finished.

It's not for us to judge him.

I'll miss his smiling face,
his laughter, his jokes.

Ya see, we were buddies during
the war.

I was in charge of his
underwater demolition squad

in the Navy, if you'll
excuse my mentioning it.

He was always trying to find a
way

to make things more pleasant,
easier!

To sweeten the bitter.

And work and play.

He always had an open mind, an
open heart,

an open hand, a closed
one, but the money's gone.

There's no point in arguing
about it.

The money's gone and Charlie's
gone and that's that!

And so, we say farewell to
Charlie,

and say to ya, Charlie, we
forgive you.

We love you.

(somber music)

And we'll miss ya, Charlie.

(Danielle sniffling)

- But you have no idea
how touching it was.

- I'm impressed.

I've been impressed ever since
you came in half hour ago.

- And isn't good to know
that Eddie forgives you?

- He wouldn't if he thought I
was alive.

- Ya never know.

- [Charlie] Hm?

- Ya never know!

- Should I turn myself in,
give him back the money

and find out?

- (sniffles) I don't think so.

- That's better.

(Danielle sniveling)

Now what are you cryin' about?

- I just can't stand all this
tension!

- Isn't any easier on me.

- But it wasn't my idea to
work out our problem this way.

- You liked all this
comfort, you wanted it.

- But I never thought
they'd find the sack.

- Find the, what!

They found it?

- One of the officers told me.

- When, where?

- Well, right after the funeral.

He told me the district attorney
wanted

to talk to me about it.
- Oh boy, oh boy,

oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.
- They find the sack

and your only solution is,
"Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy."

- Please be quiet, let me think.

(Danielle gasps)
(doorbell buzzes)

Don't answer.

- Well, they know I'm here.

- I thought Eddie brought ya.

- Well he did, but I saw
the police follow me.

What do I tell 'em, what?

- Nothing, you don't know
anything about anything.

- Okay.

(doorbell buzzes)

- I'm sorry to press this
matter,

but we've waited three days.

- Won't you sit down?

- Thank you.

I'll make this as brief as
possible,

but I want you to explain
something to us, please.

- If I can.

- Now, this contains the laundry
sack

and some of the objects
we found in the sack

which Charles Osgood
used to weight his body.

- Well, what are you
bringin' 'em to me for?

- This bag has your laundry mark
on it.

- Why, that's not possible.

- Indelible ink, like all
laundry marks.

- Well, he must've taken
it while I was out.

- Then he had access to your
apartment?

- I don't know.

- You don't know if he had a
key?

- I can't remember if I let him
in

or if sometimes he let himself
in.

- Is this your iron?

- I don't know.

- Do you have one like it?

- I don't know.

- Is this skillet yours?

- I don't--
- Know?

- That isn't what I was gonna
say.

- Oh?

What were you going to say?

- Exactly.

- I beg your pardon?

- I don't know exactly if it was
mine.

- Well then, do you know
approximately if it's yours?

- I don't know.

- Well, I'm going to
assume that it's yours.

Now, did you give these to
Charles Osgood?

- Haven't I had enough trouble?

- This is your laundry bag,
isn't it?

- Why me?

What is it that you're lookin'
for?

- Charles Osgood committed
suicide.

You do know that, don't you?

And he blew himself up.

Well, now don't you think it's
strange

that a man who's gonna blow
himself up

would also attach weights to
his feet to drown himself?

You don't think it's strange?

Oh, you do?

Oh, now we don't know again.

I'm sorry to have to
ask at a time like this,

but I'm sure that you
know why I'm doing it.

Do you have a lawyer, Miss
Switzer?

(suspenseful music)

- Did ya hear that, did you?

- I heard it.

- Now they're beginning to
think that I killed you.

- Doesn't make any
difference what they think,

it's only what they can prove.

- What if they prove it?

- They can't, I'm alive.

- What if they do?

- We'll be outta the country by
then.

- What if they don't let me go?

- I'll find a way, I'll find
one.

- Will ya come forward then and
save me?

- Oh, that'd be just great,
wouldn't it?

I'd go to jail for twice
the sentence if I did that.

They'd only throw the book at
me if I did a thing like that.

- But it's all right if
I go to jail, is that it?

I mean, it's all right if I go?

- I won't let that happen, they
can't.

- Well, what if I just get so
nervous

I tell 'em where you are?

- You wouldn't.

- Well, I don't know
what I'm doin' anymore.

- That'd only ruin the both of
us.

You'd be considered an
accomplice

of mine to defraud Eddie.

- Then we're trapped.

- No!

- You've ruined our lives.

- I'll be gone for just a week.

- A week?

Well, anything can happen in a
whole week.

- I'll get the fake passports,
the tickets, and the money.

- Can I depend on you?

- I love ya, love.

- Forever and ever?

- Because we're more than
fiances.

- How do ya mean?

- You're my new partner.

(bright music)

Hello, love.

- [Danielle] Where are you?

- Nevermind, I got the
passports.

- [Danielle] But did ya get the
money?

- Too many people around.

I'll get it tomorrow.

(dramatic music)

Hello, love.

- [Danielle] Please, where are
you?

- Nevermind, I got the entry
visas

to the country we're going to.

- [Danielle] Did ya get the
money?

- Still too many people around.

I'll get it tomorrow.

(dramatic music)

Hello, love.

- [Danielle] Where are you now?

- I got the plane tickets.

- [Danielle] But you still
didn't get the money?

- I think you're gonna have to
help me.

- [Danielle] The phone might
have ears.

Send me a special delivery
letter.

(jaunty orchestral music)

Psst.

Psst.

- Danielle?

- It's a wig.

- Police still followin' ya?

- Oh no, I lost 'em on 15th
Street.

- Then why the wig?

- I put it on after I lost them.

If they send out an all-points
on me

they'll be lookin' for a blonde.

- Where'd ya pick up that kinda
talk?

- Well, if I'm going to be
dishonest,

I'm going to be dishonest
in a professional way.

- Well, baby, better think
twice on the next move.

It's the money and a
chance of getting caught.

- I'm getting nervous.

- Where do you think the money
is?

- I don't know!

Don't play games, I don't know.

- In the office.

- Where?

- Last place in the world
anyone would think of looking.

The office of Turtin and Osgood.

- And you want me to help
you get it out of there?

- If you don't care enough
to help us out of this then,

I'm really on my own I
might as well know it now.

- We'll have a lot to rebuild
after this.

- But a good foundation.

- Well, what do I do?

- I'll give you the key.

You'll have to avoid the
watchman.

As soon as you get in the office

and you see that it's clear,
you call me at this number.

It's a phone booth.

(ominous music)

(playful suspenseful music)

(gentle music)

(phone ringing)

Hello?

- [Danielle] I'm here.

- I'll be right up.

- [Danielle] Why don't you
just tell me where it is

and I'll bring it down?

- No, love, you let me handle
that.

Dead correspondence file.

A, B, C.

K, L, there we are, M.

M for money.

- Down.

- Isn't it?

- It's amazing.

- I think so, too.

Don't cry.

- I'm so proud of you.

- No trick to it.

A partner always overlooks
obvious things

in the obvious places.

- If I had some liquor, I'd
drink a toast

to the smartest man I've ever
known.

- Why pretend?

We can use my partner's
20-year-old bonded bourbon.

Seems only fitting that
we'd toast Eddie's loss

with Eddie's liquor.

I'm sentimental that way.

- You're the most sentimental
man I've ever known.

- Money can't buy
everything, but here's to all

the wonderful things it can buy.

Wipe the fingerprints
from the glasses, honey.

Since I'm dead, and dead men
don't...

(dramatic music)

I've been poisoned.

- 57,000, 57,100, 57,200,

57,300, 57,400.

- (grumbles) Eddie.

Please don't, Eddie.

- Looking for your accomplice,
Charlie?

She's well taken care of.

I suppose you're wondering
how we knew you'd pick

the right bottle, Charlie.

- Yeah, how'd you do it?

- Well, you always reached
for my best bourbon, remember?

- (grumbles) Hey, I didn't--

- But Danielle and I protected
ourselves.

We doped all the bottles.

- Ya see, after the funeral,
Eddie told me

that I must forgive you, too.

He told me about all the
girls you'd been engaged to

and left and, well, betrayed,
like you betrayed Eddie.

So, after you and I argued, I
thought,

now, why make you do something
that you'll

just feel terrible about?

Why make you feel guilty
about betraying me?

Why not just do the best
thing for everybody?

- And with all the
trouble, why make it worse

for you, Charlie?

Why report the money?

Why, I ask myself.

I'll deduct the loss as stolen
money,

but I'll have the money.

And you'll be relieved of
all the responsibility.

- Oh, you don't owe me a thing,
Eddie.

- Well, what should we
do now, call the police?

- There's something even better.

- What's better?

- You mean you haven't thought
of it?

- Thought of what?

- He's already committed
suicide.

He's dead, love.

(playful suspenseful music)

(gentle orchestral music)

No weights this time, you know.

- I should hope not, love.

(explosion booms)

(upbeat orchestral music)

- I seem to be left with
nothing but a pumpkin

containing a rather squashed
schoolmarm,

a minister, a lady of doubtful
virtue,

a man unjustly accused of
murder, and a drunken doctor.

I warned them they should
get out of that coach

before midnight, but they
wouldn't listen.

Apparently, justice is
as relentless in the East

as in the West, for when bits of
Charlie

began washing up on the shore,

Eddie and Danielle were both
arrested.

They were sentenced to life
imprisonment for murder

and fined $10 for littering.

And now, if you wish to see
scenes of our next production,

please bear with us through
the following commercial.

(upbeat suspenseful music)

(dramatic orchestral music)