Original subtitles

("Alfred Hitchcock" theme music)

- Good evening.

This evening's play is about an elderly recluse

who found a friend.

Just how good a friend I shall allow you

to judge for yourselves.

I do not believe in usurping an audience's prerogative.

But before we have our play, it must be introduced.

This will be done not by me,

but by the three finalists in the

Alfred Hitchcock lookalike contest.

The reason for my lack of enthusiasm for this contest

will be apparent when I tell you that I entered

and was eliminated in the first round.

I couldn't make the weight.

I shall turn you over to Miss Whiteleather,

who is in charge of the finalists.

- And now for our first contestant.

- Good evening ladies and gentlemen.

- Welcome to "The Alfred Hitchcock Hour."

- This evening, we shall present a story,

but first a word from our.

- Sponsor.

- Sponsor.

(ominous music)

- [Watchman] What's going on in there?

Who's there?

(gun firing)

(engine revving)

(tires squealing)

(siren blaring)

- You didn't have to kill him, Gerald.

* Sweet dreamy Dreamland *

- Panic and I'll break your arm.

Now, you calmly walk down to the end of that path,

turn to the left, I'll turn to the right,

I'll meet you back at the place.

- Now once more, please.

* Meet me tonight in Dreamland *

* Under the silvery moon *

* Meet me tonight in Dreamland *

* Where love's sweet roses bloom *

* Come with the love light gleaming *

- I just love our nightly sing-togethers.

* In your dear *

- Oh, good evening, Officer Petrie!

- Evening, Miss Emmy.

- Come and sing with us.

* Sweet dreamy Dreamland *

* There let my dreams come true *

(applauding)

- You have a very nice voice, young man.

Doesn't he have a nice voice, Officer Petrie?

Nice to have a nice voice.

- [Gerald] Thank you.

- [Emmy] Is that mine or yours?

- It's mine.

- I thought it was.

I don't ever remember having a bag like that.

Sit down, sit down.

The birds here just love my cookie crumbs.

They don't like the chocolate chips, though.

Now.

(siren blaring)

Oh dear, I just hate those things going off.

They go off so often.

I have to protect my ears.

They're very sensitive to sharp noises and cold.

- Goodnight, Miss Emmy.

- Is that fire, ambulance, or police?

- It's a police siren, Miss Emmy.

- Did he say goodbye?

- Hm.

- I was just thinking how awful it is

that people are so mean to each other.

That's one thing when you get to be 75,

you see clearer than anything else

how mean people are to each other.

It's just awful.

I just shudder to think what's happened to the horses.

Horses just seem to have vanished

from the face of the earth.

When I was a little girl, I had a, my, uh...

Well, I had the most adorable pony.

Oh dear, now I've forgotten his name.

Oh, how awful.

Sunshine, Sunshine, that was his name.

What about Sunshine?

- You were talking about your pony.

- Oh, yes, I had a pony whose name was Sunshine.

I talk too much, forgive me.

- My name is Gerald.

- My name is Emmy Wright.

- How do you do?

- How do you do, Gerald?

Gerald, Gerald.

Do you mind if I write that down?

I find that if I don't write things down,

I sometimes don't remember.

G?

- E-R-A-L-D.

- G-E-L.

- Here, let me do it for you.

G-E-R-A-L-D.

- Gerald!

- Gerald, that's right.

- Thank you, Gerald, for sitting here listening to me,

that was very nice of you.

- I enjoyed it.

- You did?

Well, that makes it nicer still.

Nobody ever listens to me much any more.

It's nice for an old woman to get listened to.

Nobody ever comes to see me any more,

I'm almost always alone.

Almost never see a living soul.

- I'll bet you are a very good cook.

- What?

- I haven't had a home-cooked meal in years, I'd love to.

- What?

- Well, have dinner with you, at your place.

It's awfully nice of you to ask me.

- I did?

Oh yes, well, I happen to have in my freezing compartment

some stew meet that I've been saving for something special.

- Well, I'd love to.

When?

- You don't think I'm bold,

asking a total stranger to dinner?

- It's Leap Year, isn't it?

- Oh, Gerald.

(lighthearted music)

Now, cabbage.

Cabbage, cabbage, cabbage.

Cabbage, cabbage, cabbage.

Cabbage, cabbage, cabbage, cabbage.

Cabbage, cabbage.

Oh, cabbage cabbage cabbage cabbage.

(knocking)

Yes?

- It's Mrs. Goldy, Miss Emmy.

Miss Emmy, Mrs. Jones from next door

says you took a pot without asking her.

- Oh, well, I knocked on her door to ask her,

but she was out.

I'm having a caller.

I don't have enough pans to cook for two.

Where is she?

- Well, she.

(knocking)

- [Mrs. Jones] Just a minute!

- I knocked on your door, Mrs. Jones, to ask you.

I only need it for this evening.

I don't have a pan big enough to cook for two.

- I bought a chicken, and that pot is

the only one it'll fit in.

- Miss Emmy's got a dinner cooking.

I'll loan you a pot.

- All right.

But don't do it again, Miss Emmy, please, unless you ask.

- No.

(knocking)

- Who is it?

- It's Mrs. Goldy, Miss Emmy.

- Don't tell Mrs. Jones, but I stole her two onions, too.

Now the rent, you're here for the rent.

Now, where did I put my purse?

- Tomorrow, Miss Emmy, the truck is coming by.

Wouldn't you like to get rid of some of these magazines?

And the Hannukkah bushes.

- What?

- The Christmas trees. - No.

- Miss Emmy, you've lost your touch with reality.

- I have not.

I like seeing the years stacked up around me this way.

That way I know there are all these things

that have been written about have happened,

makes them seem seem more real.

Now, where.

Been a snake, would've bit me.

10.

- Mm-hm.

$2 too much.

You must be more careful, Miss Emmy.

Someone some day won't be as honest as I am.

- That's right.

- So who's coming for dinner?

- My gentleman caller.

Someone I met in the park.

Someone who looks so much like someone I used to know.

I can't remember where.

His name is, um.

Gerald!

- "Continued on page three.

"The night watchman died on the way to the hospital,

"and the murderer made away with over $100,000."

You know, it's funny to make the headlines

and not even get your picture on the front page.

What are you thinking about?

You know, you've been thinking about something all day.

I just don't like it when you're thinking about something,

'cause you're not paying any attention to me.

You're planning something, aren't you.

And why are you getting all dressed up, anyway?

Are you going out?

Don't look like that.

You always look like that right before you hit me.

I don't have anything nice to wear, Gerald.

I don't even have a nice dress.

Won't you just let me spend some of the money,

and just buy something nice to wear, please?

- Nope.

We start spending the money, it'll look suspicious.

The parole officer will jump on me like a tiger.

We gotta play it cool.

I'm not intending on going back

after I got out for good behavior.

(whistling)

- You promised me when we got married

you'd buy me lots and lots of nice things.

Gerald, stop that whistling!

(whistling)

Gerald, don't, don't hurt him!

You're pulling him all apart!

Gerald, stop it!

(chuckling)

We going to the movies?

Gerald, where are you going?

You told me you stole those things for me.

Gerald, don't you lock me in here tonight!

There's only a can of tuna fish!

* You are my sunshine, my only sunshine *

* You make me happy when skies are gray *

- Gerald!

Gerald!

* You'll never know, dear, how much I love you *

* You make me happy when skies are gray *

* You'll never know, dear, how much I love you *

* Please don't take my sunshine away *

* You are my sunshine, my only sunshine *

- Right there.

I wish Mrs. Goldy kept an elevator.

These stairs scare me.

I'm always afraid I'm going to topple over.

I get so dizzy.

Don't look back, Gerald.

I never look back, and I always close my eyes

when I'm going down.

(ominous music)

Come in!

Now, turn the fire on under the stew,

turn the fire on under the stew.

Turn the fire on under the stew,

turn the fire on under the stew.

Turn the fire on under the stew.

Gerald, Gerald!

- Here I am, Miss Emmy.

- Oh dear, I thought I'd lost you.

- Miss, I think you've left the gas on under the stove.

- You know, I'm getting too excited.

Now calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down.

Ooh!

(laughing)

Oh, glasses, glasses, glasses.

Now, if I were a wine glass, where would I be?

The hope chest.

I wondered where that carrot went!

What was I looking for?

(whistling)

Oh, of course.

Well, here they are.

Oh, but one of them's broken.

- Oh, well, you have any adhesive tape?

- Tape. - Tape.

- Tape tape tape tape tape, tape.

I'm always hiding things from myself.

I never know where anything is.

I could have $1,000 in this room, never even know it.

I'm not as sharp as I used to be.

(laughing)

Here it is!

- Ah, good.

Look, that stew smells good.

I haven't had a home-cooked meal in years.

Here, roll it out on the end.

There we are.

- Sorry.

- There we are.

- Let me have the mended one.

(whistling)

Hey, there we are.

For you.

For me.

- Thank you.

- To you.

- Oh.

(lighthearted music)

I'll have to sit down.

It makes you feel so warm.

- There we go.

- You'll have to forgive, Gerald, a very old lady.

I've had such a busy day, I.

Besides cooking for you, I went to two splendid funerals.

My energy isn't what it used to be.

I'll have to close my eyes for a few minutes.

Little cat nap.

Just close my eyes 10 minutes, and I'll be fit as a fiddle.

Oh my goodness!

- Oh, I'm sorry, what is it?

- Oh, gracious! - What's wrong?

- Well, the stew!

- What's wrong with it?

- Can't you smell it? - No.

- It's burning on the bottom of it!

- Oh, my goodness gracious!

- Well, it'll be all right.

- Hey, you know, I didn't smell a thing.

- Well, I can't see or hear as well as I used to,

but my nose is still A number one.

Father used to tease me, said he could've made a fortune

hiring me out as a bloodhound

to track down escaped convicts.

(laughing)

* Come with the love light gleaming *

* In your dear eyes of blue *

* Meet me in Dreamland, sweet dreamy Dreamland *

* There let my dreams come true *

(humming)

- One more for you, like this.

- What do you think you're doing?

- I'm playing with the money.

What good does it do us if we can't even spend it, hm?

Huh, Gerald?

What good does it do us if we can't spend a penny?

Ow!

You almost burned my hair,

and it smells like chicken feathers.

(laughing)

Oh, what good does this money do us

if we can't even spend it, huh?

Huh, Gerald?

- Huh, huh, Gerald?

(laughing)

Ah, well, we'll be able to spend it all very soon,

in a very unsuspicious way.

- When, when?

- I'm gonna put it all in magazines.

- In what?

- Magazines.

And then it'll all be ours, when she's dead.

(ominous music)

- Who?

Who?

(chuckling)

(suspenseful music)

We're not even on the front page any more, Gerald.

There's just a little teeny-weeny mention on page seven.

Gerald?

Gerald.

Gerald.

Gerald.

Gerald.

Gerald.

- Milly, you are beginning to get on my nerves.

- All you ever do is read.

- It is very important.

- Why?

I don't know why it's so important.

Why, huh?

Gerald.

Gerald.

Gerald.

- Shut up and let me finish this.

- What is it?

- Did I ever tell you about Sunshine,

the crabapple, and the time he bit my leg?

- Yes, you did, Aunt Emmy.

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, you forgot the meatloaf.

- Oh, oh.

(barking)

Gerald?

- Hm?

- Gerald? - Oh, it's so good.

- No, stop it, Gerald.

- I like it.

- Put it in, help me.

- Help you?

- Yes, dear, help me put it in.

- There you are. - My hands are wet.

- Oh, there you are.

- Oh.

- There's, uh, something I've been meaning

to talk to you about, Aunt Emmy.

It's a tricky subject in a way.

- I wondered where that nightgown went.

And what, Gerald?

- Uh, what?

- What you were saying.

- Oh.

Oh, well, look, dear, you, um.

You know I wouldn't hurt your feelings for the world,

now you know that, don't you?

- You're not going away, are you?

- No, oh, no, no.

- Don't scare me that way, Gerald,

that's the worst thing I can think of.

- Auntie, it's not me I'm thinking about, it's you.

You'll be going away someday, you know.

Perhaps sooner than we know.

- No, I never get to go anywhere,

except to some funerals in certain areas

I know how to get to by streetcar.

There was a wonderful funeral in the West End yesterday

and I couldn't go because I didn't know how to get there.

- Oh, now that, that is exactly what I am talking about.

The, um.

The one funeral you won't miss.

- Oh.

Well, when that time comes, you won't need to worry

about your old auntie, she'll be ready.

Anyway, it won't happen for a long time.

My mother was 95, and my father was 97,

and my grandfather was 106.

And I feel fine.

- Yes, you've told me.

- Well, now, that's all.

Let's have our coffee in the parlor.

- All right.

- Bring the coffee, will you, Gerald?

- Okay, coming up.

The only reason I bring this up is because

I read this book the other day about wills.

Have you made one?

- One what?

- A will.

- Oh, no, no, no.

I don't have anything to will to anybody to bother.

- Oh, Aunt Emmy, that is just not true.

You have a lot of wonderful things.

Your Christmas trees, your linen, your lace, your china.

Look.

You don't want Mrs. Goldy coming in here, do you,

after you've gone, just taking everything, do you?

- You think she would?

- Well, if there's no will, no next of kin.

- What do you want, Gerald?

You can have anything you want.

- Oh, I didn't mean it that way, Aunt Emmy.

- No, neither did I, but I want you

to have whatever you want.

- You think I brought it up so that

your favorite nephew could inherit your fortune,

and that's just not nice, Aunt Emmy.

- No, no, not at all.

- Yes you did.

- Don't be mad, Gerald.

I haven't any fortune.

Papa lost everything in the crash,

and Mama's last illness ate up the rest.

- Well.

Do you know what a recluse is?

- No.

- It's somebody very eccentric,

who stashes away millions and millions of dollars,

all over the place.

- Oh, not me, Gerald.

I never even saw a million dollars.

All I have is a few little shares of Allied Gas Corporation

and some Colorado uranium.

They send me money every once in a while.

It's what I live on, that and my Social Security.

I'm not a recluse.

- No no no no no, Aunt Emmy.

There should be some provision that these stocks

can go to whomever you want them to.

- To you, Gerald.

- I don't want your stocks.

Look, dear, all I want is some little token.

Some little memento of the happy hours

we've spent together, that's all I want.

- Oh!

Papa's watch.

I'll write your name on it on the back in adhesive.

- No, dear, look, there has to be a will.

- But I can't afford a lawyer.

- Come along, you just come with me and sit down.

Right here.

See, I have read this law book about wills,

and I decided that somebody ought to

draw up a proper one for you.

- Oh, Gerald, how nice.

- Oh, that's all right.

Do you think we can round up

a couple of witnesses in the house?

- Well, Mrs. Goldy and Mrs. Jones.

- Oh, that's fine.

- Papa always used to manage my affairs.

Nice to have a man around again to advise me.

- Well, you sure need one.

I tell you, you stand to lose everything.

Yeah.

Now, I, Emmy Wright, being of sound mind,

give, devise, and bequeath all my property,

whether real, personal, or mixed,

wheresoever located, to, uh.

Tell me, what's the name of your church?

- I go to St. Andrew's.

- St. Andrew's, that's fine.

St. Andrew's.

- Now, Gerald, that's nice.

- Now, paragraph two, there are only two paragraphs.

Now, I'll fill in these details, if they're okay with you.

The sole exception to the foregoing is that I give,

devise, and bequeath, to my dear friend,

Gerald Musgrove, the following.

The solid gold watch

which belonged to Papa.

Oh yeah, and uh. (chuckling)

All the cash moneys found within my room.

Whatever sum that may be.

That's just in case you are a recluse.

- Put down the stock, Gerald.

All you're going to get is the watch.

- No no no, I don't want your stock, Aunt Emmy.

All I want is the watch.

Look, and the money.

- There isn't any money.

- No no no, I don't want that either.

No, not for a long, long time.

I'd much rather have my sweet, dear little Aunt Emmy

among the living, cooking, darning my socks.

- My mother was 97, and my father was 95,

and my grandmother, 106.

- No, Aunt Emmy.

Your mother was 95, your father was 97,

and your grandfather, not mother, was 106,

and you feel just fine.

- Oh yes.

- Now, if you'll just round up those witnesses,

our will will be valid.

- Well, I'll go get Mrs. Jones and Mrs. Goldy right away.

- Fine.

Oh, be careful.

I don't want you falling down those stairs.

Yet.

- What'd you say, Gerald?

- Nothing, Aunt Emmy.

(chuckling)

* Meet me tonight in Dreamland *

(chuckling)

(humming)

1,000, 2,000, 3,000, 4,000.

- The introduction of the station break

is far too important a task to be delegated

to one of the contestants in the lookalike contest.

(lighthearted music)

- All the umbrellas just made the funeral

seem more funeral, Gerald.

Oh, I just love funerals, particularly in the rain.

- My, but that is a saucy hat.

- You do like deviled eggs, don't you, Gerald?

- [Gerald] Yes, Aunt Emmy.

- Mrs. Goldy and Mrs. Jones have been ribbing me

since I made out a will, Gerald.

Mrs. Jones says I'm on a high horse,

anybody as poor as a churchmouse making out a will.

Gerald?

- Yes, Aunt Emmy?

- Oh dear, I just wanted to make sure I hadn't lost you.

I wanted to be sure I hadn't made you, uh.

Picnics aren't picnics without deviled eggs.

And ants, oh dear, I just love those little things

with their little legs coming, carrying things away.

Do you think we will, Gerald?

- What?

- Get some real ants in the country today.

- For you, Aunt Emmy, anything.

You about ready?

- Goodness, I haven't been in the country since,

oh, goodness gracious, I can't remember when.

Why, I'd even forgotten there was one.

There.

- Ready?

- Yes.

Well, yes.

Yes!

Actually, I've been ready since seven o'clock this morning.

I was so excited, I couldn't sleep.

- You know, what you need is some sleeping pills.

I can get you some.

- No, I enjoy the excitement.

I'll cat nap or two in the country.

- All right, let's go.

- All right, now, you take the hamper,

and I'll take the umbrella, and then I'll lock up.

And Gerald, you know, I went to the most wonderful funeral

yesterday in the rain.

There were all these people in black

looking like blackbirds carrying umbrellas.

Here, you, you lock up, I'll take the bag.

- Okay.

- Oh, oh dear.

(ominous music)

- What's wrong?

- I made the mistake of looking down.

- Don't move, I'll be right there.

- I'm dizzy.

I'll be all right, it'll pass.

I forgot the salt.

Oh dear!

Gerald, Gerald, he slipped on the stairs!

Oh, Gerald, oh, Gerald!

- What's happened?

- Gerald, oh, Gerald?

You all right?

Oh, Gerald, Gerald, are you all right?

- I broke every bone in my body.

- Oh, don't say that, oh.

- Oh, no no no, I'm all right.

- Oh, thank goodness.

Oh, thank goodness you're young.

I fall like that would've killed someone like me.

- Gerald fall down go boom!

(groaning)

- That's enough!

- No, there's a little teeny place right down here.

- Ow, stop it!

Why don't you poison her?

- No, stupid, that's traceable.

Somebody has to buy it.

- Then why don't you just shoot her?

- Wonderful, that is just wonderful.

- You want me to be serious?

- Well, there's $100,000 in her room.

- How old is she?

- 75.

- Oh.

- No, it has to appear old age.

Old man time has finally caught up with her.

Finally caught up with her.

- Well, it sounds simple.

(sensual music)

- You.

Get dressed.

I think it's time you finally met our Aunt Emmy.

* I'm in love with you *

* Let me hear you whisper *

* That you love me too * (knocking)

* Keep that love *

Gerald?

- It's me.

Aunt Emmy, this is my cousin Mildred.

She's heard me raving about you so much

she wanted to meet you.

I hope you don't mind.

- Hello, Aunt Emmy.

- I'm not your aunt.

- Well, you're not my aunt either, you know.

- But I've known you longer, Gerald.

- Aren't you going to invite us in?

- Oh, yes.

- The old thing's jealous. - Sh.

- What?

- I brought you these tulips tonight, Aunt Emmy,

and another bottle of this.

- Thank you, Gerald, you're always so good to me.

- Where is it?

- In the magazines.

- Aren't your tulips pretty, Aunt Emmy?

- I only have a tiny chicken, Gerald, not enough for three.

- Oh, well, you see, Milly eats like a bird,

so you don't have to worry.

- Only one potato to mash, and only two of those glasses.

- Hm, I'll drink out of a coffee cup.

Aunt Emmy, you mustn't be mad at me, now, for bringing her.

She's a very lonely girl, she has no friends, no family.

I've been telling you how sweet and charming

and wonderful you are.

And what fun.

- And I'm not at all disappointed.

You're everything he said, and more.

- Well, if you want to know the truth, I'm jealous.

- You're jealous?

Of my cousin?

- Your cousin?

- I told you.

- Oh dear, oh, well, in that case,

you can have the glass,

and I'll drink out of the coffee cup.

(lighthearted music)

- Aunt Emmy.

- Hm?

- Aunt Emmy, you better wake up

if you want to go for your walk.

- How long have I been asleep?

- About 10 minutes.

- Oh.

What walk?

- Remember, you said you wanted to go for a walk

on the street and do some window shopping?

- Oh yes.

Well, that would be nice.

I ought to come over here some day and browse again.

(siren blaring)

Oh, oh dear, oh, I just hate those sirens.

Oh, and I've forgotten my earmuffs.

- Why, look, Aunt Emmy.

You see, I remembered to bring them for you.

- Oh, Gerald, what would I do without you?

Oh dear, just too many people.

Too many people everywhere.

There's so many everywhere.

Oh, oh look, Gerald!

Here birdie, birdie birdie birdie birdie!

Here birdie, birdie birdie birdie birdie!

Here birdie!

Birdie birdie birdie!

Why, they're stuffed.

I thought they were real.

Gerald, Gerald?

- Here we are, Aunt Emmy!

- Gerald, wait!

Wait, Gerald, wait for me!

Wait, Gerald, wait, wait!

(horn honking) (screaming)

- Aunt Emmy!

(ominous music)

Is she dead?

- No, heartbeat's a bit fast, but normal.

I think that her leg is broken.

- Oh, poor Aunt Emmy.

- Oh dear.

Gerald.

- I'm here, I'm here, dear, right here.

- Oh, oh goodness!

- No, no, Aunt Emmy, you're just going to go to sleep.

That's right, come on.

- Oh, Gerald, Gerald, don't leave me!

- Oh, I won't, now, I promise you.

Here.

(dishes clanging)

- Here you are.

- You put your carrots in too early.

Potatoes too, they're all cooked up too much.

Oh dear, this is awful, I can't eat that.

- Milly's not the cook you are, Aunt Emmy.

- She's no cook at all.

There's more to cooking than putting things in a pot.

This is poison.

- Give it to me.

- Just bring me some cottage cheese on a plate.

Gerald.

Gerald, Gerald.

Gerald.

Gerald.

Gerald.

I don't like your cousin at all.

She's first not a nice girl,

and third, she doesn't know how to do anything.

Did you see how she peeled my potatoes?

The peelings were half an inch thick.

That's wasteful, she wastes too much.

- Here's your pill, Aunt Emmy.

- I'm not her aunt.

- Here, Aunt Emmy, take your pill.

That's a good girl.

There we are.

- She doesn't like me either.

That's one vibration I've always been able to feel,

the vibration of not being liked.

- Oh, no, now, Aunt Emmy.

She just adores you.

That's just nonsense, come on now.

Oh, look at Aunt Emmy.

Going to sleep.

Copping out on me.

- I've been feeling awfully drowsy lately, Gerald.

Not up to snuff.

- She's still mad about your cousin Milly.

- Oh, Milly, you've just simply got to be nicer to her.

- To that old prune?

- Sh!

Yeah, to that old prune.

Now, come on, we better fix the stove.

It may be the last chance we get.

- Gimme the screwdriver.

- Yeah.

(metal creaking)

Sh.

- Why not turn it up all the way and get it over with today?

- No, no, no. (gas hissing)

We have to condition her A number one nose,

she'd smell that in a second.

We have to do it little by little

so it seems very, very natural.

That's too much, give it to me.

- I can do it.

- Give it to me! (clanging)

That's fine, it's just fine.

Come on.

Sh!

- Don't light that!

(suspenseful music)

- One thing I cannot stand is waste.

I haven't liked her since the minute

she set her feet in this door.

You should see the way she peels potatoes.

She's been at it several days, wasting my gas,

trying to run up my bill.

Tell Mrs. Goldy I hope she's satisfied

about the magazines.

- Yes, ma'am.

- As if my bill wasn't high enough already

with all the cooking I've been doing for them.

Gerald tried to stop her.

Flagrant waste is a terrible sin.

I'm a stockholder in Allied Gas,

and I don't approve of wasting our commodity.

And the worst of it is, it's making me sick.

- Do you have a phone around here?

- There's one in the hall.

Is it fixed now, so I can fix dinner tonight?

I've got a nice roast.

- It's fixed.

(suspenseful music)

Operator?

Get me the police, please.

(knocking)

- Who is it?

- It's us.

- Come in.

- Is this the girl?

- Yes, that's the one, turning on the gas.

I'm sorry, Gerald, I told you she didn't like me.

Why didn't you stop her, Gerald?

Gassing an old woman.

That's what the gas man said she was doing.

- Aunt Emmy, I just don't know what you're talking about.

- It wasn't my idea, it was Gerald's idea!

- Why don't you shut up?

- I don't believe that, that's not true.

- Oh no, then who had you make out a will, Aunt Emmy?

- I thought I told you to shut up!

- Hold it.

I think we'd better go down to the station

and have a little talk.

- The, the, the, the magazines, where,

where are the magazines?

- [Emmy] Why?

- Where are the magazines?

- The collector came and took them away.

- Where?

What collector, where?

- Don't, don't yell, Gerald, don't!

- [Gerald] Where?

- Mrs. Goldy said that they were dust catchers

and that I was losing my touch with reality,

gathering old magazines and Christmas trees,

so when the collector came today,

I told him, "Take them away."

- Where?

- No, Gerald, please, please don't yell.

(laughing)

- Shut up!

- All right, let's go.

- It's not Gerald's fault, it's all hers.

Oh Gerald, Gerald, don't be mad with me!

I'll cut you out of my will.

- Drop dead.

- Poor Miss Emmy.

(clicking tongue)

- One.

1,000.

(sniffling)

Two, 2,000.

Three, 3,000.

Four, 4,000.

I must remember to defrost.

Five, 5,000.

Six, 6,000.

- Now you see how the term cold cash originated.

Unfortunately for our intrepid heroine,

she was arrested the next day at a bank,

where she attempted to deposit her frozen assets.

Miss Emmy now resides in a prison for senior citizens,

where she is on the mahjong team.

As for the Alfred Hitchcock lookalike contest,

all of your votes are in, and the results are surprising,

but we shall abide by them nevertheless.

Here, then, is the winner

who will close my part of the program.

- And so until next week, goodnight.