Original subtitles

("Alfred Hitchcock" theme music)

- Good evening.

Contrary to appearances, we are not converting our show

into a Middle Eastern, Western.

This is a lovely gift that just arrived

and I'm having workmen tear out a wall

so that I can get it into the house.

What is especially touching

is that the gift came from a person

I had not regarded as a friend,

a social climber who is always trying

to wrangle an invitation to my home.

I'm quite pleased, however.

Now that I have a wooden horse,

I may even take up water polo.

From this innocent hobby horse,

we turn to a hobby of another kind.

Tonight's program is dedicated to the do-it-yourselfer

and is called, "How To Get Rid Of Your Wife".

It concerns one Gerald Swinney,

a gentleman seemingly too meek for the task ahead,

but we shall see, we shall see.

As a special feature tonight,

we are delaying the start of the story by one minute,

time for you to gather up a pencil and paper.

After all, some of you may wish to take notes.

(playful jazzy music)

(slow jazzy music)

- Oh I uh, I wonder if I might have a word with Miss Feather

if that's possible, Miss uh, Rosie Feather.

- You're Gerald Swinney, aren't you?

- Yes.

- I've been reading the paper about you,

I mean about the case.

The verdict?

Well, that's life.

I'll tell her you're here.

(quiet jazzy music)

Mr. Swinney, come this way.

(knocking on the door)

- Come in.

- Mr. Swinney, Rosie.

- Oh hello Mr. Swinney.

What are you doing here?

- Well I hope this isn't inconvenient.

I uh, I just wanted to apologize.

- [Rosie] What for?

- Oh uh, would you accept these?

- Oh, carnations, why they're lovely.

Won't you sit down?

- I uh, just wondered if there was anything I could do.

- Do?

- Well it must have been unpleasant and embarrassing.

- Oh Mr. Swinney,

I never had so much publicity in my whole life.

It was fantastic.

- Oh?

- Oh, I mean uh,

of course I realize that it was at somebody else's expense,

if you know what I mean.

- You really shouldn't feel that way.

- Oh but I do.

I mean, every single minute in that awful court,

I kept thinking to myself, this should have never happened,

not to somebody like you.

I mean we all thought the same way, everybody.

You have nothing to apologize for, Mr. Swinney.

Look, it's all over now, isn't it?

- Yes.

- Uh, I guess I better put these in water.

Oh, would you like a drink?

- Oh I really don't think I should.

- After what you've been through?

Go on, it'll do you good.

- Well all right.

Thank you very much, Miss Feather.

- Rosie.

Uh well, everything's over there, help yourself.

I'm gonna go behind here and change.

Mr. Swinney, I'm glad you came by.

We all understand how you feel

and we're very sorry.

- Thank you.

- [Swinney Voiceover] People are sympathetic.

If they weren't things wouldn't have

turned out the way they did.

Poor Edith, how did it all really begin?

The day I married her, I suppose.

I used to think things would get better

in the 15 years we lived together, but they didn't.

- Gerald?

Gerald.

Gerald, where are you?

Why don't you answer me?

Gerald.

You don't smoke in this room, Gerald.

- Are you happy, Edith?

- What are you talking about?

- I wanna know.

- You do.

Without my mother, you and I would have absolutely nothing.

You've been a clerk for 15 years.

Happy, huh, I'd a been a lot better off without you.

- I walked right into it, didn't I?

- What's that supposed to mean?

- This nice refined home,

dear old smiling mother and you all fluttery and correct,

two kind, helpless women and one unsuspecting bachelor.

On went the rings and off came the mask.

I had no idea what it was all about.

- Are you through?

- No.

I want a divorce, Edith.

- Oh, so that's what all this nonsense has been about.

Well let me tell you, there'll be no divorce in this house

and if you're thinking of walking out on me, don't.

I know what's what and I know my rights

and you haven't got a chance!

And just you remember it!

Gerald, I've had just about enough of this.

Are you coming downstairs or aren't you?

(boxes clattering)

- Edith, where's my fishing equipment?

- It was cluttering up the closet.

- Where's my fly box with the brown hackles?

- I gave it to the club for the bazaar.

- Without telling me.

- Oh Gerald, you haven't been fishing in years.

- Do you realize I spent hours tying those flies?

- That's right, a useless waste of time,

so I got rid of it.

- Well Edith, I'm just going to have to get rid of you.

(dramatic slow music)

- [Swinney Voiceover] I gave the matter a lot of thought

and worked out a plan of campaign.

On the next Saturday night,

I put the first stage into operation.

I stayed at Al's Bar until closing time.

The neighbors were about to see Edith in action.

- Oh, Mr. Swinney.

I'll walk along with you.

- Oh good, good.

(gentle jazzy music)

(door rattling)

Uh, Edith?

Uh, Edith dear?

Edith?

- [Mr. Penny] What's wrong?

Locked out?

- Yeah, it's all right.

- He's locked out.

- Oh.

- Mr. Swinney, why don't you come in and sit down?

- Oh that's very kind of you,

but I really don't think I should.

Mrs. Swinney hasn't been too well

since her dear mother passed on.

Well, I'll be all right.

I'll take a walk or something.

- Mr. Swinney, you're a saint.

- Goodnight.

- Goodnight.

- [Mrs. Harris] Oh, good morning Mrs. Penny.

- Good morning, Mrs. Harris.

Did you hear?

- [Mrs. Harris] Hear what?

- She locked him out last night.

- No.

- Yes.

- (gasps) The poor man.

- If she goes on the way she is,

one of these days he's gonna do something to himself.

He's just the type.

- Oh, poor Mr. Swinney.

- Gerald are you bringing my coffee?

Gerald?

What's all this about?

- It's called reorganization, Edith.

I've always liked a good breakfast,

so instead of you cooking and me washing the dishes,

I've decided to change that around.

I'll cook and you wash.

- Where's my coffee?

- It's right there on the tray.

I decided to have my breakfast first.

(chair squeaks)

Yes, it's empty.

We need more.

(playful music)

- Gerald!

Gerald, come here!

(playful slow music)

- [Gerald] Yes dear.

- Don't you dear me, I know what you're trying to do,

you're trying to frighten me out of this house, my house.

Let me tell you, you won't succeed.

- You're imagining things, Edith.

- Oh Edith, you're imagining things, you must be.

- Will you listen to me, every time I turn around,

he seems to have a knife in his hand

and yesterday, yesterday he came home with

a half gallon of stain remover.

- What?

- [Edith] You see?

- Well obviously he needs it for something.

- Of course he does, that's what I mean.

- Oh Edith, Gerald's not the type.

He's much too gentle.

- Oh no he's not, not underneath.

Oh Laura, you've got to help me, you and Henry.

- But how?

- [Edith] Come over Saturday for lunch.

- Edith, I don't think--

- He's worse on weekends.

- All right Edith, all right.

- (sighs) Laura, I've got to prove to you,

Gerald is a monster.

(playful slow music)

What are you digging, Gerald?

- Oh it's uh, it's a surprise, dear.

- This is my house and my garden,

I demand to know why you're digging it up.

- It's uh, it's going to be a fish pond.

- [Edith] A what?

- A pond for uh,

fish.

- I'm not as big a fool as you think I am, Gerald Swinney.

I know what you're up to and as of now,

you can start filling it up.

Now, now!

- Hi there, Mr. Swinney.

- Oh, morning Mr. Penny.

- Ah it's a pity, fish pond woulda looked nice there.

- Gerald?

I've changed my mind, we'll have the fish pond.

- Anything you say, dear.

- Well go on, dig.

Dig!

And I'll thank you to mind your own business, Mr. Penny.

- Oh I don't know how you stand it, I really don't.

- Well she's just a bit upset,

nothing to worry about really.

- I think my wife is right, you must be some kind of saint.

(gentle playful music)

(gentle music)

- Come in, come in, hello dear.

- [Laura] Hello Edith.

- Hello Edith. - Henry dear, how are you?

- All right, I guess.

- Well, you couldn't have arrived at a more perfect time.

You won't be disappointed.

- What do you mean?

- I didn't tell him you were coming

and do you know where he is at this very moment?

He's out in the garden digging.

- Digging?

- Digging a grave.

- Who for?

- Oh Henry.

- I must say, Edith,

you've kept the house looking awfully nice.

- Well I certainly don't know how.

I don't know what I'm doing half the time.

I'm afraid to even eat or drink anything

if he's been anywhere near it.

- Oh Edith.

- Well it's the truth, tins of weed killer,

knives, stain remover and this morning,

I found a book beside his bed, a chemistry book

with a bookmark in the chapter on acids.

- Gerald's always reading funny books, I mean peculiar.

- Henry, he's told me he's going to get rid of me.

- Edith,

Edith, Henry and I have talked about this and

we think you ought to see a doctor.

- Laura, there's nothing wrong with me, it's Gerald.

He's acting peculiar.

- Hi Gerald.

- Well Henry,

there's a surprise.

I didn't know you were coming over.

- How are ya?

- Oh fine, fine, I've been keeping busy.

- Yes, I see.

What is it?

- Oh I'm putting in a fish pond.

- Oh that's a good idea.

Uh, how has Edith been?

- So so.

Not good really.

- Just between you and me,

Laura and I have been a little worried about her.

- I thought the best thing I could do

is sorta cheer up the place,

you know, do a little decorating,

but last week, I brought home a can of stain remover

and she just came apart.

Then I decided on the fish pond, but,

well, that hasn't set too well either.

- You know don't you,

her mother left everything to her and we got nothing.

- Yeah, she told me.

- Then this doesn't seem to have done her much good.

- Edith isn't well.

We're all going to have to try and be very patient with her.

(doorbell rings)

Excuse me.

- Uh, Mr. Swinney?

- Yes, um, I wonder if you'd mind

bringing that around back for me?

- Yeah.

Uh, through this way?

- [Gerald] Yeah, right through there.

- [Deliveryman] Okay.

- Uh s'cuse me, all.

You make it through here?

- It's one of those tanks.

Now do you believe me?

- Edith, it's for the fish pond.

- Oh no it's not, it's for the acid.

- Oh don't be silly.

- Oh really Edith-- - You can't put acid

into one of those things unless it's glass.

- How do you know what those things are made of?

- Edith, you really must control yourself.

Even if Gerald were planning something,

would you think he'd be so obvious about it?

- He didn't know you were coming.

Don't you see?

- Yes.

There's only one thing to do,

tell Gerald to call the doctor.

- No.

- Yes, Edith.

- I am perfectly all right.

It's just that I'm so frightened

and that's just what Gerald wants.

He wants me to be frightened.

- Henry--

- [Edith] Where are you going?

- I want to talk to Henry for a moment.

(doors clatter)

If anyone ought to be frightened, it's Gerald.

- What do you mean?

- The state she's in, she might do anything.

Henry, I don't think we should get mixed up in this.

- Then let's go.

- What are you whispering about?

- Excuse me please.

- [Laura] Gerald, we're going to have to go now.

- Oh you're going so soon?

- 'Fraid so.

- [Gerald] Oh, uh,

there you are.

- Oh, thanks a lot.

- Goodbye Edith dear.

Take care of yourself.

- Edith, try not to worry too much.

- Goodbye Gerald dear.

Drop in and see us, won't you?

- Bye Gerald.

- Bye Henry.

Bye Laura, nice seeing you!

(door clatters)

- What were they whispering about?

- I don't know.

- I am not stupid, Gerald.

- Yes dear.

- I know what you're doing,

you're deliberately trying to frighten me

and you're deliberately trying to turn everyone against me.

- If I were, Edith, it'd be very easy

because you're so predictable.

- Oh I am, am I?

Well I'm not gonna stand for anymore of it!

- I've been waiting for you to say that.

- Get out of this house!

Stay out!

- All right.

(playful jazzy music)

- Gerald!

I told you to get out!

- [Gerald] Yes dear, but what about all this?

- Don't bother about all that!

You get out and you stay out!

- If that's the way you want it, dear.

(playful jazzy music)

(door clattering) - Gerald?

Gerald, I don't know what you're up to now,

but I told you to get out and I meant it!

- Don't worry, Edith, I'm going.

- If you think I'm going to hang around, I'm not.

I'm going to bed, but before I do,

I want it clearly understood that you are

still responsible for the upkeep of this house!

Do you understand?

And don't come back until you're ready to apologize,

on your knees!

(playful jazzy music)

- [Gerald Voiceover] People are very sympathetic.

I timed my departure for 10:00 on Sunday morning.

I knew this would give them every opportunity

to express their feelings.

Or Edith, I knew she was watching.

And she had another shot coming to her

when she went into my bedroom 'cause I knew she would.

(playful jazzy music)

- Somebody out here to see you, Rosie.

- Oh?

- It's a woman.

- Oh.

- She says it's important.

- [Rosie] Well what does she want?

- Well how do I know?

- Miss Feather?

- That's right.

- I am Gerald's wife.

- Oh.

Who's Gerald?

- Well I didn't expect you to admit anything.

- Look, I gotta change.

- Yes, you do.

Now I don't know how long this thing has been going on,

but it's got to stop.

- Stop is right, because one of us

is making a fool out of herself and it's not me!

- Miss Feather, is this or is this not your photograph?

- Where'd you get this?

- In Gerald's bed.

- But--

- I let Gerald leave home because

I thought it would bring him to his sense.

Of course I had no idea there was another woman involved.

- You mean me?

- Gerald knows I'll never give him a divorce.

- Well, I'm very sorry, dear, but you've made a mistake.

Now I've gotta change.

- [Edith] I'd advise you to listen to what I've got to say.

- Bye dear.

- [Edith] Mrs. Swinney to you.

- I said goodbye!

- [Edith] And I have no intention of leaving.

- Oscar!

- [Edith] Gerald is coming back home.

- Look, I told you, I don't know any Gerald.

- Ha! (door slams)

- Now just a minute!

- If he refuses, I'll go straight to the bank.

- Somebody help me!

- One word to the manager and Gerald will be out of a job.

- Oscar!

- You might be interested to know

that Gerald doesn't have a cent to his name.

- What is it, Rosie?

- Do something, anything, get her out of here!

- I don't mind saying what I have to say

in front of a witness.

This creature has been carrying on with my husband.

- What?

- I don't know her husband.

- Come on, lady.

- Not 'til she promises never to see Gerald again.

- All right, all right, anything.

- There, you see?

She's admitted it.

- I'm gonna be hysterical in a minute.

- You'd better leave now.

- Take your hands off of me.

This woman has given me her word in front of a witness,

that she shall no longer associate

or continue to associate with my husband

and if she does, she knows what the circumstances will be.

That's all I came to say.

Goodnight.

- Once and for all,

I wouldn't know your husband if I fell over him!

(door slams)

(dramatic music)

- [Gerald Voiceover] Edith then came to the bank

and threatened to expose me

unless I returned home immediately.

It was all working out very well,

but the next stage in the precedings

was going to need rather careful handling.

(bell rings) (playful music)

- Hello!

(playful music)

(Gerald whistling)

- [Clerk] Good morning, can I help you?

- Oh uh, yes, I'm interesting in acquiring a couple rats.

- Rats sir, yes,

well I've got a good selection at the moment.

Were you thinking of the Emperor Whites

or the ordinary grays?

- The ordinary grays, I think.

- I see, well they're right over here.

If you'd like to come this way?

(bird squawking)

You haven't been in before, have you?

No, I didn't think so.

Well here we are, as nice a selection as you can see.

- [Gerald] Mmhmm.

I think I'll have that one.

- The big fat one, sir?

(rat squeaking)

- And

and that one.

- He's my favorite.

I call him Romeo.

Well nevermind, I can tell he'll be going to a good home.

Just the two?

- [Gerald] Uh yes.

- Yeah, I see, well why don't you look around.

You're fond of animals, I can always tell.

It won't be but a minute.

(bird squawking) (birds chirping)

- Polly, Polly, Polly.

Polly, Polly, Polly.

- Here we are, Mr. uh--

- Uh, Jones. - Mr. Jones.

That'll be $3.20.

Now that you've been in and seen my little place,

maybe you'll be coming in again.

- There we are.

- There we are.

- Thank you very much.

- Goodbye Mr. Jones.

- Uh, goodbye.

(playful music)

(door clicks)

(dish clinking)

(playful music)

- Gerald,

(sniffing) I smell perfume.

- Perfume?

- And it's on you.

- Oh it's a new brand of aftershave lotion.

- You don't expect me to believe that.

I know you've been with that woman.

Gerald, we're going to have a little talk.

- All right, dear.

- It seems as though one or two misguided people

think that you are going to do away with yourself.

- They have?

- Mrs. Harris told me in the beauty parlor.

I know what you're up to.

You're only trying to get their sympathy and nothing more.

- Really Edith?

- Well I haven't been able to get the evidence as yet,

but believe me, I will and when I do,

you can be sure that I will expose you

and all your little games.

And you needn't look so innocent, Gerald.

I know you've been seeing her, that, that dreadful creature.

Aftershave lotion, ha!

(Edith screams)

- What is it, Edith?

- Rats.

Rats! (screams)

(gentle jazzy music)

- [Gerald Voiceover] Where anything as distasteful

as rats was concerned, Edith would,

I know, choose the most private

and discrete way of dealing with them.

She would not, therefore, seek the aid

of any professional exterminator.

Of this, I felt certain.

What was the alternative?

Trap?

No.

And for reasons which you will more than understand,

I was also quite certain she would not

ask me to do the necessary shopping.

(cheerful jazzy music)

All I had to do was choose my moment

and find the hiding place.

And there it was.

Now everything was set.

(cheerful jazzy music)

- Gerald!

(cheerful jazzy music)

Going someplace?

- Yes.

- Indeed.

- My own freewill.

- And just where do you think you're going?

To Rosie Feather?

- Can't prove anything, Edith.

Even if you could, it wouldn't matter.

- So, you admit it.

- I've written you a letter, Edith.

I suppose you could call it a confession,

perhaps a statement.

To whom it may concern,

I can see no point in my wife and I going on together.

I am wrong in what I am doing.

The responsibility is entirely mine.

Time is the great healer and I've signed.

- How do you suppose this is going to help you?

- Doesn't matter, Edith.

You see, I don't care what you do.

I'm leaving you first thing in the morning.

- Is that all you've got to say?

- Yes.

- Oh it is, is it?

Well let me tell you, you're not going anywhere!

To Rosie Feather or anybody else!

- I am, Edith.

As you said, everyone on the block knows I'm desperate.

They're expecting me to do something.

(dramatic music)

(gentle dramatic music)

- So, do you intend to leave first thing in the morning?

- [Gerald] It's the only way, Edith.

- Is it?

- We were never really suited, were we?

- Perhaps not.

- [Gerald] Well I'm glad you're not making a scene.

- You don't really know me, Gerald.

- Shall I make the chocolate tonight?

- No, I'll do it.

I'll make the hot chocolate tonight.

(dramatic music)

(playful jazzy music)

Gerald, I've left your chocolate on the stove.

You may help yourself.

Do you hear me?

- Uh yes, yes, I heard you dear.

Thank you.

(playful jazzy music)

(dramatic music)

(milk bottles rattling)

(gentle soft music)

- (whispers) Gerald?

(gentle soft music)

(phone rings)

- Hello?

- It's Gerald, it's happened.

- What, what do you mean?

- He's dead.

- What?

- He's, he poisoned himself.

- Good grief, poisoned himself?

- Yes, I found a note beside his body

and a can of poison in the kitchen.

- Edith, are you sure?

- Of course I'm sure.

(slow jazzy music)

- Um, body's upstairs?

- [Edith] Yes, the door on the left.

(slow jazzy music)

(dramatic music)

- Mmhmm.

But,

what is this?

- Is something wrong?

- You're supposed to be dead.

- (laughs) What?

- Are you Gerald Swinney?

- Yes.

- Then you wrote this note?

- Yes.

- Well?

- I'm sorry, I'm a bit confused.

I don't know what to say.

I was going to leave my wife.

We discussed it all last night, quite rationally.

I planned to leave this morning.

I wrote the note because I

wanted to make my intentions clear.

Didn't want it to appear that she was in the wrong.

- What about the poison?

- Poison?

- In the hot chocolate.

- Oh, my wife did leave some chocolate for me

on the stove last night.

I didn't feel like, I don't know why, I put it in that.

I didn't want her to think I hadn't drunk it.

She's a bit uh,

uh, sensitive.

- Well, by the looks of things,

I'd say you had a very lucky escape.

- Gerald!

(playful music)

- Good morning, dear.

(cheerful music)

- [Gerald Voiceover] I was very impressed

by the way in which the law took its course.

All the pieces of the jigsaw fell into place.

The overall picture of Edith being, from my point of view,

brilliantly highlighted by the truly splendid work

of the district attorney.

- Now Miss Feather, one of your many admirers, it seems,

was unfortunately careless enough

to leave this photograph of you in a library book

and it was by this accident

that it came into Gerald Swinney's possession.

In other words-- - By chance, by sheer chance.

- Therefore, I'm right in saying

that there was never any kind of contact

between you and Gerald Swinney.

- Absolutely none whatsoever, definitely.

- Edith seemed convinced that Gerald was,

was planning to do away with her.

- [District Attorney] How?

- She mentioned knives, a book on acid, weed killer poison.

- Poison?

- Yes.

- So it could be said that although, at this time,

she imagined herself to be the prospective victim,

she was obsessed by thoughts of death,

of death by poisoning.

The seed was there.

Thank you.

When the accused telephoned you that Gerald Swinney

had poisoned himself, what was your reaction?

Your answer is important.

- We thought that Gerald must have done it in desperation.

- [District Attorney] Desperation?

- Edith can be very determined.

- You mean in preventing her husband from leaving her?

- Yes.

- So that later, when the truth became evident,

you were no doubt shocked, but were you surprised?

- I-- - Yes or no?

- No.

- Thank you.

No further questions.

Mrs. Harris, will you tell the court now

what happened at the hair dresser's?

- Well, I thought it was my duty

to make quite sure that Edith Swinney should hear me.

- [District Attorney] Hear what?

- Well, that she was driving her husband to suicide.

- [District Attorney] You tried to warn her?

- Well yes.

- [District Attorney] With what results?

- She hit the roof.

- I suggest that there can be no doubt

that this was the incident

which put into Edith Swinney's mind the idea

of being able to get away with murdering her husband

by making it appear that he had taken his own life.

Thank you, Mrs. Harris.

- Yes sir, I recall real clearly,

lady came into the drugstore and asked for some rat poison.

- Is that all?

- She said she didn't want something

that wasn't real effective.

We stock three different brands.

She wanted something real powerful.

Well I sold it to her.

- [District Attorney] Mrs. Penny,

have you ever been troubled with rats?

- Rats?

- [District Attorney] Rats.

- Oh no, why, oh no.

- [District Attorney] Do you know

anyone in your vicinity who has?

- Well of course I'd know, but I don't.

- In other words, no.

Would you say that Edith Swinney's house was badly kept?

- Oh, it was like a hospital.

- Clinically clean.

Thank you, Mrs. Penny.

- Said uh,

uh, "You devil, you devil."

- [District Attorney] Is there anything about these words

that particularly impressed you?

- Yes sir, their vehemence.

- Thank you.

Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

the defense council has insisted that you accept the fact

that Edith Swinney is the victim of a diabolical plot,

designed by her husband

to lead her to the very brink of murder.

For what reason?

To incriminate her and to provide himself

with irrefutable grounds for divorce

at the conclusion of this trial.

But the true pattern of events, as you followed them,

must surely prove the case against Edith Swinney.

She intended to poison her husband,

there's no doubt about that.

By the grace of God, she did not succeed.

But she intended to succeed

and it was premeditated.

Need I say more?

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I put it to you

that Edith Swinney is guilty of attempted murder

and that there are no extenuating circumstances.

- It's not true!

- [Man] Guilty.

- It's not true!

- [Man] Guilty.

(dramatic music)

(cheerful jazzy music)

- Are you all right, Mr. Swinney?

- Oh, I'm fine.

- Now that it's all over, what are you gonna do?

- Do?

- Uh, Mr. Swinney?

- Uh, Gerald.

- Gerald, you've had a narrow escape,

but well life's given you another chance.

- Yes.

- And you should take it.

You should free yourself.

- You mean divorce?

- When something's over, it's over.

Nothing'll ever make it right.

- Those are words of wisdom, Rosie.

(knocking at the door)

- Oh, I guess I'd better get ready to go on.

- Oh I'm in the way.

- Oh no you're not.

I've only got one more show to do.

I'll be through by 10:00.

- I don't supposed you'd care for something to eat?

- Well uh, yes, I would.

- Well I'll stop back for you then.

- All right.

- Just after 10:00.

- I'll be ready.

- Well, uh, bye for now.

- Bye for now.

(playful slow music)

(cheerful upbeat music)

- Hello Mr. Jones.

I felt somehow you might remember me.

I remember you very well.

That goes without saying.

I'm so glad everything went so well.

- What do you mean?

- Oh I followed the whole case

and I recognized your picture.

It was a good one of you.

As a matter of fact, I've kept it.

I've had it framed.

Funny word, framed.

- Yes, well if you'll excuse me--

- Oh no,

no, I thought we might have

a little something to eat together.

- Well I'm afraid I have another appointment.

- You know, I keep wondering why you didn't tell anyone,

there might have been rats in your wife's house.

- Are you suggesting--

- You didn't even mention buying them.

- No.

- You know when you came in my shop that day,

I knew you were as lonely a person as I was

and well, I had a sort of feeling we might meet again

and that everything would be better for both of us.

Funny, wasn't it?

- Would you care for a sandwich

or something more substantial?

- Something more substantial, thank you.

(playful slow music)

- I still have my wife,

but you will notice I have gotten rid of my horse.

I wouldn't have cared if it were a talking horse,

but I discovered this one was ticking.

I promptly gave it away.

I felt there were others who deserved it more than I,

my sponsor for one.

After all, the very foundation of commercial television

is the Trojan Horse Principle as witness the following.