Original subtitles

("Alfred Hitchcock" theme music)

- Good evening.

Welcome to the Alfred Hitchcock Hour.

When one becomes interested in collecting

authentic folk music, the first instrument

to purchase is an electronic tape recorder.

I recently made a trip among the mountaineers

of our country.

The trip was most rewarding.

Voyages from people like this

that one can hear music that is uncontaminated

by sordid commercialism.

Sounds that speak from the human heart.

At this point I was still creeping up

on my subjects.

(guns roaring)

There is perhaps no better place

to collect folk music than in a jail house.

And I lost little time reaching this goal.

Actually, the town didn't have a jailhouse.

They use an echo chamber instead.

This evening's hootenanny deals with some folk

in the little village of Hollywood, California.

Lana Layne was a motion picture star

with hardly a care in the world

until, but that's what our story's about.

First, however, a number this is truly indigenous

to American television, a commercial.

(suspenseful music)

- Oh Lord, from whom all strength and comfort flows,

teach me to know thy will and not my own.

Forgive my pettiness and pride.

I am vain and willful, I know.

Thinking too often of myself alone.

Lord, make me ugly.

If it would help me to serve you more.

- Cut, print it.

Oh, Lana, baby, that was great.

- Oh, was it all right?

- Okay, boys, set up the reverse shot and the nuns.

- Sister, you never looked lovelier.

- Thank you Harry, darling.

- It's a little like kissing my third grade teacher.

- Lana, darling, I knew you'd want this lovely lady

to come and say hello.

- Well, naturally, of course Dave.

How are you Haila, dear?

- A little out of breath if you must know, dear.

- Haila, come over here and sit down.

- Lana, it looked wonderful.

- [Lana] Oh did it.

- Thank you then.

Well, actually, dear.

I've got 20 million readers who can't wait to find out

how you feel about being nominated for the Academy Award.

Well?

- Well, what can I tell you, Haila?

I won't pretend for an instant

that I'm not thrilled and excited about the nomination.

I'm grateful to almost everyone connected with the picture

but most of all, and you may quote me,

most of all I am indebted

to my personal manager, Harry Lawrence,

who insisted in the face of so many studio objections

that the part of Martha in Waverley Street

was exactly right for me.

Thank you darling, thank you for everything.

- Do you know what my readers really wanna know

more than anything else they want to know

when you two plan to be married.

- Why, Haila.

- That doesn't answer my question.

- Well, maybe not Haila dear

but one thing I can promise you

that you will be the very first to know.

- I'd better be (laughs).

- But the only thing that I might add

is that at the moment.

At the moment I have very little intent.

Harry.

- [Harry] What is it?

- Harry, please take me to my bungalow, please, hurry.

- What's the matter, what happened?

- I can't tell you here, excuse me, Haila.

- Lana, you can't just walk out like this.

I dunno what happened.

- Don't apologize Dave, I've been snubbed

by royalty and acrobats

but never until now by a nominee for an Academy Award.

- Hey.

You're still trembling.

All right now, what is it?

- My imagination, I hope.

Oh Harry stay with me please.

- Hey, of course I will.

- I thought I saw George.

- George?

George?

I thought he was dead.

- I know!

(door tapping)

- All right, come here.

Just stay right here.

I'll take care of it.

Well, see. - Are you out of your mind?

Walking out on an interview

with Haila French of all people.

- All right Dave, now knock it off.

Lana's not feeling well.

And I absolutely refuse to have her stand on her head

for Haila French for for anyone else.

- Just as simple as that, huh?

- Yes sir, just as simple as that.

- Well, maybe you two can afford to brush off the press

but as publicity head of this studio, I can't.

- Dave, don't fret.

I'll work on Haila.

- [Dave] You will?

- Delighted.

You'll astonished how easy it is

to smooth our a wrinkled old valise like Haila French.

- [Dave] Yeah, well, Haila French just happens to be.

- All right now just a minute, hold it.

Didn't I tell ya I'd take care of it?

- Well, you told me but I.

- [Lana] Harry!

- Gimme a second, I'll be right with ya.

- Harry!

- One second.

- Harry!

- All right, now wait a minute.

I want you to forget all this.

You're under a lotta pressure now.

You're tired, your nerves are upset.

What you saw was, who knows,

some little guy that bore a slight resemblance

to George, and I'm right, aren't I?

Aren't I?

- I guess so, Harry, you're always right.

Darling.

- Now you take yourself a nice warm shower,

I'll be back soon as I can.

(suspenseful music)

(telephone ringing)

- Hello, Peaches, baby!

I mean, that was no dream you seen walkin', that was me.

Your own lovin' husband.

The last of the red hot Godivas.

How 'bout that, huh?

Well, don't you think you oughta answer it?

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

Hello?

George, the newspapers said you were shot

in that bank robbery in Newark.

- Which only proves that you just can't believe them obits.

You know something, Peaches?

Gotta tell ya, I really go for this.

- George, George, I don't understand.

- It's simple, Peaches, I switched wallets

with the guy that got shot

so the cops wouldn't go lookin' for me.

Only trouble is, you just can't trust them cops.

Some quiz kid detective down at headquarters

recognized the caver as Noodles O'Toole

and not Little Georgie.

Three months later I'm sittin' in a bar,

Joey's joint in the St. Louis

when the cops grab me and they make me do five years

as their guest under my real name, too.

And the crummy newspapers don't event give me second billing

to the Heiny ads.

That's show business for ya.

But ya know, this is nice, real nice.

Not much like the old days, huh Peaches?

- George, I've got to get dressed.

It's been very nice seeing you again.

- I mean, take all those county fairs

and one nighters we used to play.

Me hustlin' the crowd for a quick buck, remember?

Step right up folks and see little Peaches do her dance

and then you did your dance real slow and easy

and mysterious like the natives never knew

that grown girls came with a full set of skin.

Ain't ya sentimental about old times?

- You and Snakebite are among the very few things

that fail me in that respect.

- The ol' sense of humor, huh?

Well, that's my girl.

You know, I used to lay in my bunk

and say to myself, what ever happened to Peaches?

Then six months later I get outta the pen

and one day I spring two bucks for a movie

and all of a sudden it's very clear to me

that everything's happened to Peaches.

A new name, for one thing.

I see Lana Layne instead of Rosemary Peaches Cassidy.

Oh, that's an improvement, I'll grant ya.

Also a new set of curves which are, well,

more ladylike you could say.

Or does it just seem that way

since you stopped tossin' 'em around?

- You mole, you.

- Baby, angel, please!

Is that a nice way to talk to your husband?

And I was just gonna tell you how much I like

the new hairdo and that two million dollar smile ya got

from some dentist.

What's buggin' you now?

- How much will it cost to get you out of my life?

- Peaches, angel, let's not be commercial,

at least until we find out what happens

at the Academy Awards.

You might even win it.

Like I say, the whole thing's a laugh a minute.

- George, wait!

What are you going to do? Where are you going?

- I don't know yet Peaches, I'll let ya know.

- George!

- As the saying goes, don't call us, we'll call you.

(dramatic music)

(upbeat music)

(people chattering)

- Luke, come on, follow me.

I beg your pardon, may I just get through?

Pardon me, pardon me.

Pardon me please.

Lana, Lana dear.

- Oh hello Dave.

- Darling, there's some people from out of town here

they were not able to make it for the big event

so I wonder would you mind just?

- Oh, well of course not.

After all, that's what a press reception is for.

You will excuse me, won't you? - Thank you darling, so much.

Here we are ladies and gentlemen.

- How nice of you all to come.

- [Dave] All right, there we go.

- Well, it's mine all mine.

- [Dave] All right.

- I still can't believe it, it's like some kind of a dream.

- [Dave] It sure is.

- Thank you so much.

- Fine, thank you darling so much.

- You will excuse us, won't you?

- Right on. - You enjoy yourselves.

- Bye bye, no.

- Well, aren't I being collaborative with the press.

- Now, look, let's go and mend some fences with Haila.

- Oh yes, dear Haila.

- [Dave] Pardon me.

- Of course I feel the daughter gave the Oscar performance

in that picture and I predict great things for that child.

- Haila darling, Haila, here's someone who wants

to say hello.

- Oh darling.

- Well, honestly, can you actually believe all this?

- No I actually can't.

Oh dear hello. - Good evening my dear.

How are you? - Fine.

- Can you forgive me if I take our girl away

for a little while?

- Oh no, don't worry about me.

- We'll be back.

- Well, as I was saying, oh, thank you so much.

As I was saying, it's the kids picture

and I predict great things.

She's really going to go someplace.

Mark my words.

- Hello, good evening,

it's so nice to see you.

Hello.

Thank you darling for rescuing me.

- My pleasure.

Why don't you give me that

before you drop it on my foot. - Not on your life.

- How you bearing up?

- I could use a drink.

- Well, I think that can be arranged.

Tom, very dry martini for the lady.

- Harry.

- Lana, Lana!

Can't you talk to Haila

for five minutes without walking away.

- Honey, Dave's absolutely right.

We've got to get back to Haila.

But gimme a second with her first, will ya?

I wanna kinda smooth things over.

Come on Dave.

Just come in in a couple of minutes.

- Oh hello Ed, how nice to see you.

I'll be right back.

Oh, oh excuse me dear, I am so sorry.

- Oh it was nothing, really.

- I do hope you're having a pleasant time.

Tell me, do you know Ed Jackson

of the Union Press, Sally Tracey.

Don't you dare open that big rat trap mouth of yours,

do you hear?

I'll be upstairs.

Third door on the left.

Now you two have got to get to know each other.

Excuse me, I'll be back.

- Isn't she beautiful?

And such a lady.

Hey, what's the matter.

- Nothin' that won't be cured real soon, honey.

I'll see ya round.

- Oh Mr. Jackson.

There's something I've been wanting to talk to you about.

Don't you think it's a pity the way

they type young actresses nowadays?

(upbeat music)

- George, George, in here.

- This is nice and chummy, Peaches.

You know, I never figured we could strike it so good

and still be legal.

Well, well, you me and Oscar.

Just the three of us.

Sturdy little feller, ain't he?

Sure don't look like me.

You know, I had every confidence you'd win it.

That's why I didn't bug ya these last few days.

Figured you'd be busy takin' bows.

- [Lana] How did you get into this party tonight?

- No problem, it's a press party

so I told 'em I was from the press.

- [Lana] What else did you tell them?

- Why, nothing, precious.

At least not yet.

- What is your price, George?

- Price, honey, how can anyone put a price

on the situation we've got goin' here.

Like I said, you, me and Oscar.

One little family against the world.

- Stop it!

I'm not afraid of you anymore, George.

Harry knows all about you

and he knows how to deal with people like you.

- Your personal manager?

- That's right.

- How personal, Peaches?

- Harry and I have discussed the whole thing

and we've decided that every plague has its price.

Harry's very good at this sort of thing.

You can talk over all the cash details with him.

- Tell me more.

- The general idea is

that you will go to Mexico

and get a quiet, uncontested divorce.

Not from Lana Layne, of course.

But from that same Rosemary Cassidy.

Who married you when she was 17 years old.

- Oh, them was the days eh, Peaches?

Oh you sure were a bouncy little dame.

- I must also have had a hole in my head large enough

to hold a full cup of coffee.

How else could I have married you?

- Yes sir, that's my Peaches.

Gimme a girl with spirit every time.

- There's no sense in our prolonging

this discussion, George.

I have too many guests downstairs.

Please call me tomorrow.

Not at the studio but here

and I'll tell you when and where you can meet with Harry

about the money.

- Baby, I'm only tryin' to be friendly and logical.

It stands to reason when a crippled citizen like me,

that's what the warden used to call us sometimes,

crippled citizens.

It stands to reason that I wouldn't wanna be shakin' down

you or your boyfriend in any way

that the law could say was,

if you'll pardon the expression, the ugly word is extortion.

- Well, that's very nice of you George.

But I really don't mind helping you out

with a little something.

- Peaches, baby, seriously now.

Let's be honest with each other.

I mean, why would I wanna talk with anyone about money?

- Well I thought that.

- Well, I mean, with you winnin' the Oscar

and the way things are goin' right now.

I'd say that you and I had just about everything we need.

- We?

- This is California, baby.

Community property.

Well, naturally what's mine is yours

and what's yours is mine.

- Now wait a minute.

- [George] Am I right?

- I'm telling you right now you won't get away with it.

- Always talkin' about gettin' away with something.

The whole idea's ridiculous.

Here, for instance,

just to pass the time sort of,

I took the trouble of checkin'

into our real estate holdin's.

Oh I like what ya done with only a few exceptions.

Now, I'm not knocking that warehouse you bought

in downtown L.A. but I'm sure we can get

some more mileage out of our money in the valley.

- Our money?

Now you listen to me!

- Peaches, honey.

I'm tryin' to point out to you in a friendly way

that I'm 100% for community property.

And why wouldn't I be?

That's the way they've got it written in the books.

- If anybody ever found out

that I had ever been married to you,

my career wouldn't be worth a dime

to you or anybody else.

- That's the old fashioned point of view, baby.

The smart thing nowadays is to have come up the hard way.

- How?

Like a snake up a rope the way you're creeping

into my life now.

- Peaches, you can take our own case.

I guarantee it's got universal appeal.

- You are out of your mind, do you hear me?

Out of your rock headed skull.

- Now listen, a poor schnook pays his debt to society.

That's me, five long years in the cooler he gets

and don't spare the details

because in the fan magazines, they will love it to pieces.

Five long years in the cooler

and when the warden shakes his hand

and says goodbye, who's waitin' for him outside?

Faithful as a crosstown bus, you guessed it baby,

the same little girl he left behind only now she happens

to be Hollywood's most glamorous package

and she's waitin' for the same poor schnook

with a heart as big as the First National Bank.

I tell ya, it's what dreams are made of.

The end of the rainbow.

Oh baby it's Cinderella even

except that this time, Cinderella's wearin' pants.

- Let go of me I tell ya.

- Come here baby, we got it made.

(Lana grunting)

(Lana panting)

- George?

George?

Harry, Harry.

(Lana gasps)

- What is it?

- He wouldn't take his hands off me.

I couldn't help myself.

- Yeah, well, obviously you weren't trying to help George.

- Is he?

- Oh yes, he couldn't be any deader

if you had him kippered and hung.

- Harry, what are we going to do?

- Well, I don't know exactly darling.

Actually, you could plead self defense I suppose.

The obvious and prudent thing would be to call the police

and yet.

(abrupt knocking)

- Harry, ya promised me that she'd cooperate.

- All right Dave, now what is it now?

- This is a part for the press.

We haven't even photographed her with the Oscar yet.

- You're right.

Hold on one second.

I got a gorgeous idea, sweetheart, you're gonna love this.

Downstairs, you find a nice location

and we'll get a shot of her with both of these.

Huh?

Is that beautiful?

Huh?

And I guarantee ya she'll be downstairs

in less than five minutes, all right?

- Okay.

- There we go.

- But don't forget, Harry, it's her neck

just as much as mine. - Right.

- I've got a job to do for the studio.

- Five minutes, sweetheart, count 'em, five.

- Oh Harry, what are we going to do now.

- Well, what do you think?

- Well darling I don't know.

All I can do is rely on you.

Darling, we could lose everything.

- Yes, it crossed my mind.

Is there any chance he was seen coming in here?

- No, no, I don't think so.

I mean, all the help and caterers were downstairs

at the time.

He was passing himself off as one of the reporters.

I'm sure nobody knew him.

Oh Harry, what should we do?

- I say let's go for the brass ring.

I say let's get rid of George.

- Oh, Harry!

- But let's save the celebration

until we're alone, all right.

Darling, your ceder closet has a combination?

- Uh huh?

- You're the only one with the combination.

- Oh yes, Harry.

- Well, that's good enough for now.

We'll play the rest by ear.

- Well, I don't understand.

- You open the cedar closet, freshen your lipstick,

put on a nice big smile and we'll be outta here

in about 55 seconds.

- But Harry, we can't leave the body in there.

- Honey, you just be charming to everybody

when we get downstairs.

Leave the rest to me.

You make a beautiful widow.

I'm not even sure you need the lipstick but hurry.

(Harry grunting)

where I always feel like a man in the middle.

On one side is the first half of our show

on the other, the second half.

Straight ahead, the station break.

(dramatic music)

- It's great party, isn't it?

What are we supposed to do, take pictures of each other?

(people laughing)

- She'll be down.

Just be patient.

It's just one of those things couldn't be helped.

- Oh yes it could be helped.

It coulda been helped very nicely

if we'd all been smart enough to stay home.

- Haila, darling,

now you know Lana has been under a tremendous strain.

- Well, how 'bout the rest of us.

Listen, is it her habit to disappear every time

she has an appointment with the press.

- Oh, now you know better than that.

- Dave, here hold this.

Dave, I've got something to tell ya.

I happen to represent 300 newspapers

and I didn't come here like some $100 a week reporter

for the free booze and chicken salad.

- Aw, now, Haila, let's not you

and I misunderstand each other.

- I've had it, I've had it. - Here she is.

- Haila, darling, you're an absolute angel of patience.

That girl is exhausted, honey.

I can't think of anything in the world

that'd bring her down those stairs

at this time except her loyalty to you.

- Oh, you're a fraud, a shameless fraud.

- You're peaked. Darling, I want you to wait right here.

I have a very important announcement to make.

- Announcement?

Am I in charge public relations here

or did they ask me over to count the sandwiches?

- Oh, don't be sensitive, Dave.

I never am.

- Oh Haila, darling, you're not leaving?

- No.

- Oh.

- May I have your attention please!

I have an announcement to make. Will you all gather round?

Just come right in here.

- Love that man, I just love that man.

- Well, you're a little late, Haila, dear.

It happens that I do too.

- My friends, I don't think there's anyone here

that I don't know well enough to call a friend.

I have something to say to you

which I'm just vain enough to think, to hope,

will be of interest to all of you.

- When for heavens sake are you gonna marry

that glorious man?

- Well, as I promised you once before, Haila,

if and when he decides to ask me,

you'll be the very first to know.

- But before I launch into this announcement,

I think I'm entitled to a certain amount

of moral support which only one of you can supply

at the moment darling.

- What is it, Harry?

- Now it's certainly not any news

that Lana and I have been in love for a long time

what may be news is that we've finally decided

to do something about it.

- They couldn't, they wouldn't.

- I think this press party is an ideal time

to make the announcement that Lana and I

are about to be married.

- Hey, that's great.

(people clapping)

- They can't do this to me,

she just said I'd be the first to know.

- All right, fellas, hold it down just for a minute please

because I wanna explain that this brilliant idea came

to me without warning in a blinding flash of inspiration.

Consequently I have forgotten one tiny detail.

I haven't asked the bride to be.

Darling.

- Oh Harry!

- Well, my impression is the girl says yes.

Moreover, since she doesn't say no,

I can guarantee you we'll be outta here within the hour

on our way to Tijuana

and the first marriage counselor we can roust out of bed.

- Where are you going for your honeymoon?

- Haila, you'll have to forgive me

but I think that's one thing that the bride and groom

should keep to themselves.

All I can say is if we'd known about this beforehand,

there would've been champagne.

Meanwhile, the bar remains open.

(upbeat music)

- Darling, I had no idea.

- Well, honey, the honeymoon is touching custom.

After all, it couldn't be a better reason

if you're going on a long trip

and taking with you a large trunk.

- Me and Ed here, we'd like to wish you

and the future Mrs. Lawrence all the luck and happiness.

- Well, thank you. - Well, thank you.

- Thank you so much. - Thank you very much,

both of you. - That's the nicest thing

I've heard all night.

- Thank you again, see ya later fellas.

Open the cedar closet, honey.

- Oh Harry, I'm so scared.

I'm almost as frightened as I am thrilled.

- Well, why wouldn't you be.

How often does a girl knock off one husband

then haul him along on a honeymoon

with the fellow next in line?

- Oh Harry, we mustn't be ghoulish.

Oh, I don't wanna look inside.

- You don't have to.

Just go on and gather up the rest of your trousseau.

- Is he all right?

- [Harry] I'm sure he never looked better.

(Harry grunting)

With that temperature control,

there's no telling how long he'd be able to keep in there.

We're gonna have to pad this out with something.

We don't want him rattling around when he goes downstairs.

- I thought of that.

- Oh, you did, did you?

How many husbands have you disposed of, dear?

- Well, only one so far.

That wasn't especially funny.

- Darling, let's go over this one more time.

Now, assuming that we're outta here in the next hour,

we'll be in Tijuana a little after midnight.

Sit down.

Getting married down there, as you'll know,

is a very trying ordeal.

May take us all of 20 minutes.

- Harry, you make it sound so romantic.

- It's a talent I have.

- Thank you.

- I can do better.

Now, I've told Dave he can bring all the reporters he wants

to Tijuana, that's his business

but where we go on our honeymoon is entirely up to us.

- But they might follow us.

- Let 'em try if they want to.

I doubt very much that they will.

I've been busy creating the impression we're going

someplace deep into Mexico.

All right, now just to get our own story straight.

From Tijuana, we'd have to go east,

catch the main road south.

Then we'll double back.

At a point roughly here

and cross back into the States at Mexicali

and from there can't be more than another hour to my shack.

- Darling.

- Bury George before daybreak.

That's our slogan, darling.

- Yes Harry.

- Now there's one more thing.

- Yes Harry.

(loud thumping)

Lock it!

- The key.

- I haven't got the key.

- Sit on it, sit.

- Well, I hope you both realize that Haila French

is now your devoted enemy and worse than that,

she's also turned on me.

- Gee, I'm sorry, Dave.

- She gave me a preview of Monday's column.

Believe me it is not going to assist you

in any plans you may have for the future.

- Well, Dave, what would you like me to do?

Take her on a separate honeymoon

when I get back from this one?

- Harry!

- Honey, I'm only kidding.

- Look, Haila's not a bad egg.

I think she'd come around if you just,

you know, gave her a nice little scoop.

Maybe an exclusive on your first day of marriage.

What you ate for breakfast,

the kind of family you hope you to have.

Your hopes, your dreams.

- That's a lotta hogwash, Dave.

- And it could save our skins in 300 newspapers.

Harry, look the least you could do

is let Haila know where you're going.

- I told ya, Mexico.

Deep in Mexico, Guaymas, Chihuahua, Guadalajara,

you name it, I'll try to pronounce it,

but I guarantee you won't be able to find us.

- You're sure of that?

- Not with a Geiger counter

or with Haila's twitching nose.

Dave, I'll tell you what I will do.

I promise that I will phone Haila

an exclusive report on our honeymoon

at the end of the first week.

I guarantee it.

You can tell her she's the only old crow in the world

that we're allowing to peep into our nest.

I'm speaking figuratively of course.

- Well, that could help

but as a matter of fact,

it might even take me off the hook.

- You can even tell her if she wants to,

she can still be maid of honor.

Two of you can ride down with us

and hitch a ride back. Now, will you get outta here?

- [Dave] Yeah, okay, Harry so long.

- [Al] Mr. Lawrence, we thought maybe it

was time to help you down to your car with the trunk.

- [Harry] Not just yet Al.

We'll be ready in a few minutes.

- Okay, that'll be fine.

Oh, and another thing.

Ed here and me, we wanted to give this to Ms. Layne.

- Oh, how sweet of you!

Well, I don't know what to say.

Come here.

That's for both of you.

- All right, Al, thanks very much.

We'll call for you in a few minutes.

- Oh, I almost forgot to give you the key to the trunk.

- Thank you.

All right, couple minutes now.

We're gonna have to pack this thing

a little more tightly, honey.

Honey?

- There are nice people in this world, Harry.

I mean, simple, unaffected people

that aren't forever trying

to grasp something for themselves.

I guess somehow I'd forgotten that.

- Darling.

- Why did you do that?

- [Harry] Seemed like the least we can do.

(dramatic music)

(upbeat music)

(people chattering)

- Here they are!

(people chattering)

- Thank you Haila, thank you

for being so understand and everything.

Oh, darling, this is for you.

Bye, bye.

- [Haila] Oh Harry, Harry darling.

- [Harry] Bye.

- Oh, heaven help you Harry if you let me down.

- End of the first week, darling,

a blow by blow from the bride and groom.

- Harry, if you don't phone that story to Haila,

it's my neck.

- What's the matter, pally, don't you trust me?

(people cheering)

(speaking in Spanish)

- Come on, let's get a drink.

(suspenseful music)

- What do ya see?

- Just exactly what you said I'd see.

Nothing.

We're the only car in the road.

- Tired?

- I'm so tired and happy I could die.

- Darling, can't you find a happier expression?

- Oh darling, I'm sorry, I really didn't mean it that way.

No, I mean.

Oh, it's been such a long and terrible strain.

Do you know something Harry?

- [Harry] What?

- I owe you my life.

I owe you everything.

- All right, I'll send you a bill.

Why don't you relax a little?

- Okay, I'll try.

Harry?

- [Harry] Mm-hm?

- Oh, nothing I guess.

I guess it's just restlessness.

- You're thinking about our guest again.

- Oh Harry.

- Oh come on now, honey, forget it.

- Well now how can I forget it?

I mean, it's the one moment in my life

when I should be happy and here I am

with that miserable albatross still hanging around my neck.

You know that's so like him just to ruin everything.

(dramatic music)

- Oh what is it?

Harry, what happened?

- Nothing, honey, I just turned the car around.

We're heading back to Mexicali.

- Oh, so soon?

- Well, you've been asleep.

We were running south for almost an hour.

- I'm sorry.

- Don't be sorry.

So far I've seen an abandoned truck and three cows.

- Harry.

Do you think it's safe to go back to California now?

- Mm-hm, have to be,

if we wanna get to the lodge

and unload George before daylight.

- When we go back into California

that's at Calexico isn't it?

- Yep, first Mexicali and then Calexico, why?

- Well, I just hope the customs inspections

are just as simple as you say they will be.

- Aw, honey, listen,

I've never been challenged in over 50 crossings.

They will ask us where we born

and we will reply with great courtesy in the United States.

Then they may ask you if you have anything

on which duty should be paid

and you will say no, not unless there's a tax

on dead husbands.

- Harry, please.

- Well, honey, I'm just trying to demonstrate to ya

how silly it is to worry about it.

Those customs inspectors are going to recognize you

and they're not going to say,

Ms. Layne, may we peep into your trousseau.

- I'm sorry Harry.

It's just that.

- I know, you cheer up.

We'll soon be rid of George.

(upbeat music)

(Lana sighs)

- Thank goodness that's over.

- I told ya we wouldn't have any trouble at the border.

That guy was so busy gawking at you,

we coulda had the back loaded with machine guns

and tropical spiders.

- Well, how much longer is it now?

- Oh, another hour or so.

We stay on 98 and 80 almost all the way

and then we turn off at the lake.

- Do you want me to get the map outta your coat?

- No, I don't need it.

- Light two, will ya, hun?

- Here ya go.

- Thank you.

Thank you again.

- My pleasure.

(Harry grunts)

(suspenseful music)

- Honey.

Honey.

There's a car coming up behind us rather fast.

No need to get yourself all excited.

- Could it be Dave and those reporters?

- No, I don't think so.

Not this time.

- Well, Harry, they must've found out.

What can we do?

- Hold onto yourself.

That's what you can do.

(siren wailing)

- [Radio] 12-T-7, to 77.

- Be charming if it kills you.

- Your license.

- Yes sir.

- 85 miles an hour is too fast on this road

at any time and with the curves ahead,

it's a nice chance that you'll break your neck.

- I realize it's much too fast, officer, and I'm sorry.

The truth is we've only been married for a few hours.

We've chosen this route back to Los Angeles

to fool the reporters.

- I'm Lana Layne, officer.

- I know.

We got the message in on the border patrol.

We're sort of allergic to dead bodies around here.

- [Harry] Excuse me?

- I mean if you wanna wrap yourself around a tree,

do it back in L.A. or Beverley Hills.

We don't want that kind of publicity.

- Oh.

- Here's your license, good night.

- Good night.

- He was the most insulting, impudent police officer

I've ever known.

(suspenseful music)

- Well, we made it, angel.

Now let's dispose of George.

- Harry, must we do it now?

- If you mean bury him tonight, the answer's no.

I'm just too tired.

Tonight he goes in the cellar

for safe keeping but by tomorrow evening,

old George is gonna be buried deeper

than the bones of a dinosaur.

- Oh, Harry, I can't bear to look.

- All right, okay, you don't have to.

Take your bag, go on up to the house.

- Oh Harry, where's the key?

- It's under the potted plant by the door.

- Oh, okay.

Harry!

Oh Harry, it's not there.

It's not under the pot.

- [Harry] By the lamp.

- Oh.

Oh yes, here it is, I've got it.

There, there we go.

Harry, Harry, where's the light?

- [Harry] Feel around for it honey.

Boy, not exactly like carrying the bride over the threshold.

However, I guess you can't have everything.

- [Guests] Surprise!

- Surprise!

(woman screams)

(dramatic music)

I don't approve of taking the first husband along

on the honeymoon.

Next on our program is a one minute solo by the sponsor

followed by some scenes from next week's play.