Original subtitles

("Alfred Hitchcock" theme music)

- Good evening.

Welcome scholars to this evening's lecture.

Because of the population explosion,

and the need for more and more

institutions of higher learning,

universities seem to be springing up overnight.

Since everyone prefers to go

to old established institutions,

we have developed such products as fast growing ivy.

We can also, in a matter of months,

provide a campus with 100 year old traditions,

picked up at very reasonable prices

from colleges that are sick of them.

Aging the faculty has not yet presented any problems.

In creating a new university,

we first of all begin by granting

several thousand honorary degrees,

a process which we call instant alumni.

For those of you who long for days of beer and ivy,

we have just the story.

It is about two young men, Doc and Skip,

and of a not so practical joke.

The school bell will ring in just one minute.

When it does, remember, it tolls for thee.

(suspenseful music)

(bell tolls)

- You'll be able to purchase this kit

from either Mr. Carroll or Mr. Pitts

in the supply room

immediately following this discussion period.

Check each kit carefully.

Among other things, you should find two eye droppers,

two forceps, scissors, and two probes.

We'll begin our first dissection probably on Monday.

By then, you'll be thoroughly acquainted

with the position of the organs in the abdominal cavity,

and we'll have finished our chapters

on the heart and thorax.

Okay?

All right, Mr. Carroll you can bring the cadaver in now.

Oh Mr. Pitts, where's Mr. Carroll?

- He's unpacking a dissecting kit

in the supply room, professor.

- Oh, now let's see.

We have 16 students in the class.

We'll divide you into pairs,

and assign a cadaver to each pair,

which you will be responsible for.

Now this morning I wanna demon--

(woman screams)

(class murmuring)

- Dissecting kits, anyone?

(class chattering)

- That's not funny!

Class is dismissed.

Mr. Carroll, will you and Mr. Pitts remain here please?

- Professor?

It wasn't my idea.

I begged him not to.

- All right, Mr. Pitts, you're excused.

I know whose idea it was.

Mr. Carroll.

- Yes sir.

- What do you wanna be when you grow up?

- A doctor, sir.

- A doctor.

- Yes sir.

- We're both aware of your scholastic record, aren't we?

- Yes sir.

- Well, brilliance Mr. Carroll,

without discipline, is like a vaccine without a syringe.

It's useless.

- Yes sir.

- I won't tolerate this sort of behavior again.

Have these papers graded by first period in the morning.

- Yes sir.

(crickets chirping)

(clock ticking)

- [Skip] Woman in the hall, woman in the hall!

- Skip's drunk again.

He's gonna throw Barbara in the shower.

- [Skip] Woman in the hall!

- Put me down!

- No no, no no. - Oh put me down!

- No, no!

- Doc, Doc, Doc help me, help me!

- Hey he's not playing. - Please you're hurting me!

(Barbara shrieking)

No, no, no, no!

Skip, let me go!

- Skip!

Let her go, leave her alone!

Now why would you wanna do...

- Come on, Skip.

Skip, come on, you're gonna kill him!

- Come on, come on, come on.

Come on, get up, come on Doc.

Pick him up, come on, come on.

- Come on!

Come on, I'll take ya all on, come on!

(alarm buzzing)

Hey, turn it off!

And pull the shades down.

- Anything else, your highness?

How about a new head?

- What are you doin' up so early?

- Penance.

I couldn't work all night, thanks to you.

I've gotta grade all these papers by first period.

- Untie me.

- Pardon me?

- Untie me!

- What do ya say, hm?

- Please.

- That's better.

- Ow.

- Take it easy!

(Skip groans)

- Feels like somebody's inside my head

with a pair of cleats, kicking field goals.

- I'm running out of patience,

and just about out of vitamins.

You don't look too good this morning.

- Hey.

- Yeah?

- I didn't kill anybody, did I?

- If you didn't, it's not your fault.

Boy, you sure try hard enough.

Don't you remember?

- No.

The last thing I remember is...

- Well don't strain yourself, you'll break something.

- I was in a tavern on the highway.

And Barbara was with me.

- And you were trying to break the record set in 1949

by one Hector Fletcher who drank

63 cans of beer in one sitting.

- Oh yeah, how'd I do this time?

- Somewhere in the 30s.

- And then I remember I carved,

I carved a heart, and I love Barbara on the table there.

- Ah, the only place to carve a heart.

- And the bartender told me that if I didn't quit

cutting up the furniture, I'd have to leave.

I'm blank, that's it.

- That's all you remember?

- Yeah.

- You don't remember getting tied down?

- No.

- Boy, it's pretty convenient,

roomie, what you don't remember.

You don't remember--

- I don't wanna hear anymore.

- [Doc] You don't, huh?

- No.

- Well you're gonna hear a lot more come two o'clock.

- Yeah, yeah, what happens at two o'clock?

- You have a meeting with our illustrious dean.

The floor monitor reported

your little activities last night.

- Ay yay yay yay yay.

- Yay yay yay is right.

Oh.

And here is the official summons,

commonly called the black spot.

Oh, and Barbara told me to tell you,

as they carried her out of here screaming last night,

that you could find somebody else

to take to the Halloween carnival.

You remember that?

- No.

- And that she never wanted to talk to you again.

- I bet.

- This is what, the third time you've been up

before the dean since school started?

- Uh-huh, uh-huh.

- That's pretty serioso, roomie.

I gotta get to class.

This morning, we discuss the human heart.

Well, bye Gulliver, old buddy.

Lots of luck come two o'clock.

- Hey, don't slam the door on your way out, huh?

(door slams)

(people chattering) (upbeat music)

(people laughing)

Hey roomie!

Come on, roomie.

- Hey what did the dean have to say?

- He said that I'm too valuable to lose.

Indispensable.

Yeah, oh.

(Skip laughs)

Woo!

(upbeat music)

(cans clatter)

How many is that?

- 31.

- Hey bring me another beer!

(upbeat music)

(Ruby squeals)

- Coach told me after workout today

that Skip almost got kicked out of school this afternoon.

(upbeat music)

(cans clatter)

(Skip groaning)

- I don't feel too good.

(man clapping)

- How about that, 42!

- Listen, I'll drive his car back to the dorm.

Good thing he passed out in here

instead of behind the wheel, he could've killed someone.

- [Ruby] He could just have killed me.

- Here you go, Ruby.

- Could've dropped me or something.

Give me my shoe.

- Boy that would sober him up, wouldn't it?

- What?

- If he killed somebody.

- Take something like that to bring him to his senses.

Good scare has been known to cure a lot of things.

- You know when I was a kid and I had the hiccups,

my old man used to hide behind the closet door.

Then I'd open it up, and he'd fall out like he was dead.

(all laughing)

Oh man, I don't know how they wear this stuff.

(people chattering)

- Wonder what would happen?

- [Man] What?

- I just had a funny thought.

- [Ruby] Sam says that you better get him out of here.

- We're moving.

- Oh, and another thing, would you please tell him for me

when he wakes up that I don't like being stood up.

He was supposed to take me out for coffee after work.

(men laughing)

- Listen, get him back to his room and put him to bed.

I'll meet you in the parking lot.

- Okay.

- Let's go Skip. - Come on, Skip.

Party's over, boy.

- [Man] Hey Skipper reporting to.

(people chattering)

(ominous music)

(keys jingle)

- Doc?

- [Doc] I'm here, Skip.

(ominous music)

She's dead.

(intense music)

- What?

- You don't remember?

- [Skip] Who is it?

- It's Ruby, the new waitress at the tavern.

Don't you remember, Skip?

- I was,

I was drunk.

- I knew something like this was gonna happen.

- What do you mean?

- You said you had a date with her.

When I came in this morning to get my books,

she was just lying there like that.

I shook her, I said get up, get out.

But she's not gettin' anywhere.

She's dead.

She's been strangled.

Now try to remember, Skip.

- I killed her.

- Look, I gotta get to the lab and open up for first period.

I'll be back in half an hour.

At 8:30 I'll cut the lecture.

Now you stay here, and don't let anyone in,

and don't talk to anybody, don't tell anybody,

and don't look at her.

Just stay right here 'til I get back, okay?

Skip, lock the door behind me.

- Skipper, we're late for class.

Skip?

Hey Skip!

Okay, it's your funeral.

(ominous music)

- [Professor] Morning, Mr. Carroll.

- [Doc] Good morning, sir.

- You have a nice Halloween?

- Yes sir.

You're here very early this morning, sir.

- Mhmm, I've rearranged part of our program for the week,

combined two lectures.

Plan to finish with the heart this morning,

just have to explain the functions of the pulmonary vein

and then we can move right on.

Get the full anatomy charts from the supply room

and set 'em up for me, okay?

- [Doc] Yes sir.

- Oh and Mr. Pitts phoned me this morning, woke me up.

He's not feeling well, so you'll have to stay here

on the podium during the lecture and point for me.

Something wrong, Mr. Carroll?

- No sir.

(suspenseful music)

- [Man] Skip Baxter!

Phone call for Skip Baxter!

Skip Baxter?

- This is Baxter.

- Skip?

- Barbara?

- [Barbara] Are you all right?

- What do you mean?

- Well, you didn't go to class today.

- I have a terrible hangover.

You still there?

- Yeah.

- [Skip] So?

- Well, I called to tell you

that I'm sorry about last night.

I acted like a baby.

I didn't mean it when I said you were obnoxious.

Listen, Skip.

Meet me at the chow hall, and we can--

- I have to go now, Barbara.

- Well, I hope your room is cleaner than last week, Baxter.

- Hey, give me a break, huh Tom?

Hey listen, I just woke up.

I had a bad night last night.

I haven't even had time to make the beds!

- A big mess in there?

- Oh yeah, yeah it's a big mess.

I have eight floor checks against me.

Now, I'll clean it up right now.

- Okay, come on let's go.

We'll come back later on.

You look like you had a bad night, too.

- Now once again, let's follow the flow of the blood.

Coming from the extremities,

entering from the superior vena cava

and the inferior vena cava,

into the right auricle to the right ventricle.

Mr. Carroll, the right ventricle.

- Excuse me, sir.

(upbeat music) (person knocking)

- Doc?

- Ed Blair here Skip, let me in.

Come on Skip, I gotta talk to ya.

- Just a minute.

- Hi Ed.

- Hi Jim, how's your charley horse?

Coach is worried about it.

- It gave me a bad time last night.

- Well go put some heat on it.

- Hi, Ed.

What's up?

- Coach sent me over to talk to ya, Skip.

- Oh.

- You cut your first period class this morning, why?

- I didn't feel like going out and jumping around.

- We just got a call from the dean's office.

Coach is hopping mad.

He come up on the carpet about it.

Team manager now turned truant officer.

You know how many times you've attended

that particular class since school started?

- No.

- Not how many times you've cut,

but how many times you've been there?

- No.

- Out of a possible 14 hours of class, you've attended five.

That means you have nine cuts already,

and we've only been going to class seven weeks.

You know how many cuts you're allowed in a class

in one whole semester?

- No.

- Eight.

Coach has arranged you're gonna have to make up those cuts

and go to fourth period phys ed starting Monday.

If you have any questions, he said come talk to him.

- All right.

- [Ed] Have they checked this room yet this morning?

- [Skip] Yeah, they're coming back.

- [Ed] You think they'd die of shock if they came in

and found the beds made up?

- Probably.

- Get over there.

I'll show you how you do it in the army.

Where are the clean sheets?

Closet?

- Oh no, no.

They're over here in a drawer.

- Since we've been moving along so well in this class,

I've decided that tomorrow afternoon during lab period

you'll have your first session with the cadavers.

Is there anybody in the class

that hasn't bought the dissecting kit?

Good, bring your kits with you

to lab tomorrow, class dismissed.

Come along, Mr. Carroll.

We'll assign the cadavers to tomorrow's lab,

then you can go.

- Passed inspection.

SU is about as rough a team as we'll face all season, Skip.

You have to shape up.

Coach wants me to keep an eye on you.

I have enough trouble managing the team without having to,

what's the matter, Skip?

You look sick.

- I don't feel too good.

- You better have a rest then, before tonight.

Coach is planning a heavy scrimmage.

Here, take a look at these plays.

The second team will be running the same formation

that they'll be using against us Saturday evening, okay?

- Okay.

- No more cuts, huh?

Don't have Coach send me down here again.

Room looks pretty good.

I'd get that rug cleaned before next room check.

See you tonight, tiger.

- Number five for Reilly and Harrison.

- Five, Reilly, Harrison.

- Number three for Schwartz and Grovenfeld.

- Three, Schwartz, Grovenfeld.

- Number eight for...

Mr. Carroll.

- Yes sir.

- Mr. Carroll, it seems we're missing one of our people.

- Yes sir, I know sir.

- Would you care to explain why we're missing

one of our people, Mr. Carroll?

I know I didn't remove number eight.

And since you are the only other person

who has a key to this room,

I assume you did.

- Yes sir, I did.

- Last night was Halloween, and?

- Well, it wasn't quite that, sir.

It did have something to do with it.

You see, I have this roommate

who's our star halfback.

- I know.

- Well he drinks a little bit,

and last night he got very drunk.

So I thought that to sober him up,

to shock him, to make him stop drinking,

to bring him around to his senses, I...

It sounds kind of silly, doesn't it?

- To sober him up, you put a cadaver in his bed.

- Yes sir, something like that, sir.

- I'm surprised you haven't done something like this before.

I've even been expecting it.

You're the type of student who's notorious

for this sort of prank.

However, I had expected something

a little more original from you.

- Well it wasn't actually a prank, sir.

I was, I was very serious about it, kinda.

- And where is number eight at this moment, Mr. Carroll?

- In my bed in Roberts Hall, sir.

(dramatic music)

- Hi.

Hey, what did Ed have to say to you?

- I'm just taking it out to get it cleaned.

- That cadaver better be back in her drawer

by the time I get back here for lab tomorrow.

- I'll go bring it back right now.

- Or I'll report this whole matter to the dean,

who will in turn report it to your father.

I should report it anyway.

If anything happened to that cadaver,

it's impossible to replace!

- Well nothing's gonna happen to it.

I'll go bring it back!

(somber music)

Skip?

(ominous music)

- I can't say when we shall break this case,

but we will break our stations now.

Following this, we should continue our play.

(ominous music)

- Where's Skip?

- I was hoping he was here.

- He didn't show up.

Coach Crow is furious.

- Well he wasn't in the room when I came in from class.

- Thompson saw him around noon,

said he was taking his rug out to get it cleaned.

If you see him, you tell him to get over here.

Coach is threatening to kick him off the team.

(ominous music)

(can clanks)

(woman screams)

- Oh my, oh my, oh my!

- Did I hit you?

- Oh no!

Oh my, no young man.

No, I was just coming down, I got going.

I was rolling just a little bit too fast.

It's happened before, three nights ago.

- Let me help you.

- Oh!

I told my husband, Mr. Fister before he died,

he ought to buy me a garbage disposal,

but the dog was alive then,

and he'd eat anything.

Then the dog died.

I can't get out of the habit of cooking for the three of us.

Nothing that you cook for just one person

tastes nearly so good.

I don't know why that is,

so I have more garbage than anyone on the block.

I throw out enough stuff to feed an army.

Then I read all this stuff about people starving,

and it depresses me.

The whole system about how they collect things

nowadays is so confusing.

I never can remember if it's can night, or just paper night.

And there's a law now, you know,

that all garbage has to be wrapped.

Oh thank you, young man.

Oh that's Mrs. Peterson.

She forgot to wrap her garbage last week,

and they left it for the whole week.

She almost cried, she was so ashamed.

Thank you, young man.

Are you all right?

Good evening, Mrs. Peterson!

Her husband works for a movie studio.

He says he knows all the stars,

but I've never seen any of them come to visit.

Are you all right?

- Yes, I...

- Would you like a drink?

- A drink?

- Yes, you're so very,

you're so terribly pale.

Mr. Fister used to get that look

whenever he worked too hard in the yard.

We always found that a little snort

always made him feel just so much better.

Would you like to come into my house and have a drink?

I'm 67 years old.

My intentions are honorable.

- Could I park my car in your driveway?

It, I have a rug in the back,

and I'd feel much safer with it off the street.

- Well yes, of course!

You can put it right in the garage!

I don't keep a car there anymore.

I told Mr. Fister before he died,

he ought to teach me how to drive,

but then they came and repossessed it,

or whatever it is they do when they come and drive it away.

I wouldn't make payments on anything

I didn't know how to use.

I'll open the door for you.

(ominous music)

Oh my, I'd forgotten how the garage looked with a car in it.

Looks just like a cage with a bird in it again.

Ah it's all so much happier now.

Oh, what a pretty rug!

Looks like it might be, is it Oriental?

- No, it's plain gray.

- Oh I'm sorry, I just love Oriental rugs.

Come and see.

Oh, this used to be my husband's workshop.

Hobby shop, actually.

He was retired.

He used to spend all his time out here

cutting, and hammering, and sawing.

Sawing all night long.

(saw buzzes)

It's all electrical, you know.

Sawing quietly never disturbed anyone.

Well, come along young man.

Your rug will be all right there.

You like your gin neat?

- Anyway.

- Oh good!

I just defrosted the refrigerator,

so there's not any ice.

I always defrost on garbage nights.

But I prefer my gin neat,

even when there's ice, there.

Ah, you feel better already, I can tell.

Color is coming back into your face, I can see it.

That's nice.

It's such a nice face.

(can clatters)

Well, there's Mr. Johnson with his garbage.

He lives over there with 30 cats.

I never counted them,

but they sound more like 3,000 some nights

when you're trying to get to sleep.

Mrs. Peterson poisoned six of them.

Made Mr. Johnson so mad he had the police on her.

I kept out of it.

I went to their funeral, though.

He buried them in the backyard under the old incinerator.

Remember how we used to be able to burn things?

Leaves, in the fall of the year.

That wonderful smell.

Well, I guess everybody's got their garbage out now,

except that young married couple up at the end

that just moved in last week.

Maybe they don't know tonight's the night.

She's gonna have a baby.

I think they're students at the university.

You don't know them, do you?

Mr. and Mrs. Allen, Arthur Allen?

They don't talk much, aren't very friendly.

She didn't even want to give me

her telephone number at first.

Oh, that rug was actually made in Persia.

I can just close my eyes,

and have all sorts of fantasies about it,

like it was the magic carpet.

I just love magical carpets filled with mystery.

Oh, hello?

Mrs. Allen?

Mrs. Allen, this is Mrs. Fister across the street.

Remember, we met Friday when I was mowing the lawn?

Yes.

Well, Mrs. Allen, I wondered if you knew

that tonight is garbage night.

Cans and papers, too.

Yes.

Well now remember to wrap it all very carefully,

because if you don't they'll just leave it sitting in there

and it's a full week before they come back.

Yes?

Yes, wrap it.

Oh, with newspapers or sacks or anything.

I just use the bags I bring from the store.

Then they throw it into that big machine,

before we even get up in the morning,

and it's all ground to a pulp

before the truck's halfway down the street.

Yes!

Yes.

That's right.

(upbeat music)

- There ya are, baby.

- Hey Ruby? - Yeah?

- Have you seen Skip Baxter?

- Skip Baxter?

- Yeah, you remember,

the one that passed out here last night?

- Oh yeah.

Loud and rowdy, he's cute.

No, I haven't seen him.

He stood me up.

- Look, if he should come in would you give me a call?

My name is Doc Carroll.

Look, I'll write it down.

If he should come in, the minute you see him,

just give me a call.

- Oh.

I know this number.

Anything wrong?

- No, just call me okay, if you see him?

- Okay.

- He used to kick the dog when he begged for food.

I had to feed him when my husband wasn't looking.

He called it economy, but it was stingy.

All he ever did was to get out there in that garage

and cut and saw things up.

He wouldn't teach me to drive,

wouldn't buy me a garbage disposal,

so now every Tuesday night I have to put on my shoes

and a dress, and fix my hair, and put on a little lipstick

just to take the garbage out to the curb.

Has to be wrapped just so-so now, you know?

I forgot to wrap mine last week,

and they left it sitting out there for a whole week.

(ominous music)

(woman snoring)

(saw buzzing)

- [Worker] Okay, let her go!

(dramatic music)

- It's chicken liver omelet, specialty of mine.

I originated the recipe myself.

The rose I grew in my garden, I just cut it.

It might bud before your eyes.

- What time is it?

- I think it's about nine o'clock.

I have a coffee mill.

I grind my own beans.

- No.

- Would you like a drink?

- No, I have a class, I have to go.

- Oh no, poo, no.

I spent almost an hour fixing that breakfast.

Drink your orange juice, eat your omelet!

- No thank you, I have to go, I have a class.

- Oh poo, no!

Well I'm not gonna open the garage doors for you.

You'll have to do it yourself.

You men are all alike, inconsiderate, vicious, cutting.

Just trample on other people's feelings,

crush the beautiful,

three oranges wasted.

Two slices of bread, six livers, and three eggs.

What am I gonna do with it?

It'll all have to go into the garbage.

(car engine roars)

(somber music)

- Hello, Baxter.

One pair of shoes.

Three pair of game socks.

- That's my equipment.

- It was your equipment, Skip.

Coach said if you showed up and wanted to talk about it,

he'd be in his office.

Shoulder pads.

Hip pads.

Thigh pads.

Knee pads.

And one helmet.

(ominous music)

Toss him the helmet, Skip.

It won't bite.

And one helmet, that's it.

- You're in early.

Hope to break the record?

- Yeah.

- I'll keep a tab.

- Oowhee!

Feels like it's turning cold, Sam.

I put a couple of blankets back on my bed last night.

Who's that in so early?

- Wild and rowdy.

- Huh?

Hi there, loud and rowdy.

(ominous music)

You all right?

- No.

- Why not?

Well.

You wanna tell Ruby about it, huh?

- [Sam] Hey Ruby, watch the front huh?

I'm going to hard boil the eggs, okay?

- Okay, Sam.

Oh hey, make me a four minute one, would ya?

I haven't had any breakfast yet.

- Ruby.

- Yeah?

- Ruby?

Ruby?

- What's the matter with you?

- [Skip] Ruby?

- There were a couple of fellas

in here last night lookin' for ya.

Well I'd better go call your buddy.

Oh hey, listen,

I was just gonna call you. - Hey Skip.

- Hey, hey Doc.

That's Ruby.

- He's just been repeatin' my name

over and over again like it was a broken record.

- Leave us alone, will ya?

- Why not?

- Hey Doc?

You said I killed Ruby, didn't you Doc?

- Skip, it wasn't in the rug in your car.

Now where is it?

- If it wasn't Ruby, who was it?

- It wasn't anyone, now where is it?

- How could it not be anyone?

- Skip, it was a cadaver from the medical department.

It was just a joke to sober you up.

Now you knew it was a cadaver, now don't kid me.

You knew it wasn't Ruby.

- No.

I never looked at her face.

Not even in the garage, I didn't.

I couldn't look at her face.

A cadaver.

- Skip, where is it?

Where is it?

Where is it?

- Come on.

I'll show you.

(somber music)

- Bye-bye, babies.

- [Professor] If there are no further questions,

then move right along.

- Very funny, Mr. Carroll.

Very funny.

Professor Dawson?

- Carroll?

This has gone far enough.

Get up.

Get out!

I'm gonna report you to the dean and have you expelled.

Come on, get up!

(intense music)

(woman screams)

Doc?

Doc!

(Skip laughing maniacally)

(ominous music)

- Brother Alfred seems to have disappeared.

We have a great deal of difficulty

with our faculty that way.

As for Skip Baxter, the authorities

took a dim view of his prankish nature,

and he is in another institution now,

and I don't mean the state university.

One week from tonight, we shall present another play,

scenes of which will be on display in a few moments.

First, however, here is our companion feature.