Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on up, moving on up, too deep down, moving on up, too deep

I can't believe it.

The government is not coming through with the money for our disabled youth

services program.

Oh, no.

Well,

we just have to think about another way to raise the money.

Let's see.

Oh, we could have a bake sale.

I remembered the last bake sale. We lost $50 and gained 11 pounds.

Well, what about another raffle?

We lost more money on that than we did on the bait sale.

Well, it swapped me.

We gave away all the good stuff at the raffle.

I hate to be a pessimist, Louise, but I think we've hit rock bottom.

Damn!

Excuse me, I have an update.

Well, I can see by the look on your face you heard the bad news.

Boy, what a loss to mankind.

Yes, George, you're sure right. We had such great things planned for those poor

kids. Poor kids? I'm talking about a real loss to mankind.

Big Sal, from Big Sal's pasta bar restaurant, I lost his account.

George, you can't compare a few spaghetti -soaked tablecloths to our

youth services program.

That's right. They don't belong in the same sentence.

Thank you.

You're welcome. Now, enough about this help center giant. I got a problem.

I can't argue with that.

The problem with my business is I don't advertise enough.

Well, it would seem to me, then, that what you should do is advertise more.

Have you been going to night school behind my back?

Look, George, I'm no expert.

But I have two suggestions. And they are?

Advertise more.

And? Leave us alone.

Okay. Don't you come to me with no problems.

The problem is it costs money to advertise.

Well, leaving us alone is free.

Come on, Mr. Bentley. Now, don't be shy.

Hi, everybody.

Hello. Guess what Mr.

Bentley's been doing.

Well, from the happy look on your face, he must have been feeding you.

Now, Mr. Willis, don't build it up too high.

He's been doing the funniest impressions I've ever seen in my entire life, bar

none. Really, I think you're raising the expectation level a bit too much.

Oh, now, come on, this is hilarious, Tom. Oh, my stomach hurts from laughing.

Uh, Tom, we're not exactly in the mood to laugh. I'm sorry. We just found out

our funding for the disabled youth services program has been cut off.

Well, what a better time for a little mirth than levity. Now, come on. Do we

down over here?

Helen, please sit down. Oh, come on, Georgie.

Sit over here. Come on.

Now, the beauty of this is that these impressions, he does them in Russian.

You know what would be better? If he did them in Russia.

Come on, Mr. Bentley. Give us a little of that suave Soviet... Cary Grant.

Well, you've talked me into it.

You dig, you dig, you dig.

Boy,

wait, it gets better, there's more.

Oh, Mr. Bentley, do the Mondale -Reagan debates.

Oh, no, no, no, that's boring.

Do Rich Little doing Frank Sinatra playing the Kremlin. All right.

Oh, wait a minute, folks, there's an even better one. Do Porky Pig in

It was hysterical when the Russian

ambassador's wife did it. Oh, my God. Perhaps it wasn't an impression.

Get out of here.

This ain't no talent show.

Wait a minute.

What a great idea.

Talent show. Oh, Mr. Bentley, would you be willing to do this on stage?

What, get thrown out?

No.

Your Russian impression.

Well. Oh, we need talent like yours. Oh, I wish I could persuade you. You've

twisted my arm.

Oh, it will be great. We could invite all the kids. I could make some

Helen, you could sing.

And we'll have to be a barn.

George. If you don't have anything constructive to say... I have something

constructive to say. Who the hell is going to pay to see this junk?

You are just jealous because you don't have a talent.

I have a talent. I can make a man disappear.

Watch this.

Abracadabra.

But don't mind him.

will be one of the greatest talent shows of all time.

I'm a rusky -doodle dandy.

Rusky -doodle do or die, you dirty rat.

Oh, Mr.

Wiedemeyer, I'm sorry, but we already have someone who does famous impressions

in Russian.

Look, Buster, I don't know what you just said, but the same to you.

You still wasting time on that talent show thing?

Oh, yes, dear, but what have you been up to?

Something constructive. Listen.

Dirty. How I love it. How I love it.

Clothes are dirty.

Oh, you're doing Gershwin for the talent show?

I'm not doing nothing for no talent show. This is my advertising campaign.

I'd give the world to see a load of clothes.

So, come on, we should sing. D -I -R -T -Y, I love you.

That's exactly what I've been wondering, George. Why I love you.

Hi, my name is... Burt Reynolds of Burt Reynolds Talent Plus TV show.

So you...

Mrs. Jefferson, as you know, Burt Reynolds means star maker.

But I don't know. I feel we in showbiz have an obligation to do more than

entertain. I feel we have a civic duty to help others, too.

Then you heard about our talent show?

No. Call it kismet. But one of your flyers got stuck to the bottom of my

the subway.

I'd like to offer my services free of charge as emcee of your little

presentation.

That's wonderful.

I know.

And here's the icing on the cake.

Whoever wins your talent show will then get to be a special guest on my TV show.

This is unbelievable.

You're right. He's just as nutty as you are.

Nutty for talent.

Not only will the winner get to perform, he or she will get five free minutes of

air time to talk about his or her favorite cause.

Oh, my God.

Whoop -de -doo.

You know, my show reaches a home audience of over eight million people.

Did you hear that, George?

George, did you hear?

No.

No, I didn't hear anything, Louise. I was thinking.

You know, this talent show thing of yours could be the most worthwhile thing

you've ever done.

What are you saying?

You're going to participate?

Participate. I'm going to win.

Good evening, everybody.

I'm Burt Reynolds, the star maker.

Aren't you nice?

Aren't you nice?

As you can see, tonight I'm not coming to you from my usual stage. That's

because tonight I'm live and on location.

dazzling location this is the lovely multi -purpose room of the neighborhood

help center come on you're gonna

spoil me now you know i'd love to take you all home with me but i don't think

you're gonna fit in the cab that said let's get on with a fantastic show

starting out with a beautiful super talent

no musicians. I hired him to cover for me. If he doesn't show up, I'm going to

look like a fool.

Look, I go on in five minutes.

Could you please find him and tell him to get down here?

Thank you.

Who were you yelling at?

Oh, that was information.

It's like talking to a machine.

You know, George, I'm so glad you decided to be on the show after all.

Yeah, it's a pleasure to share the same bill with Wilbur the Whistling Gnome.

What's your surprise talent?

If I tell you that, it won't be a surprise, will you?

You're right.

Besides, any talent you showed me would be a surprise.

Thanks a lot.

And now, with a little bit of social commentary and a whole lot of... Here

are, the Help Centerettes.

Tell me that you walked in the joint.

I could see you were a man.

Self -Distinction, a real big spender.

Good looking, so refined.

Bet you'd like to know what's going on in my mind. So let me get right to the

point. I don't pop my thoughts for every guy.

Okay, what you say? Look, let me tell you, you know who to get his you -know

-what down to you -know -where.

And you two, shut up.

Oh, look at them, Mr. J. They're wonderful.

Right, they can go right from me to a circus side show.

Just listen to that applause.

Listen to those cheers.

Oh, it makes you feel wonderful down there.

and I'm sure some of it was for you.

I don't know how anybody can follow that

act, but our next star is certainly going to give it the old college try.

and gentlemen, put your hands together for Mr.

George Jefferson.

I'm not ready yet.

I need inspiration.

Here, take this.

Gracias, international food lovers.

The first slide, please.

Now, the first charming Spanish eatery we encountered was just outside of

Barcelona. Or as we say in Castilian, Barcelona.

Or they made a mean paella.

Look,

I don't want to hear your two -bit explanations.

I paid him to be here and I want him to be here. Hey, I'm here.

Thanks, I appreciate it. Bye.

wife is having a baby and like we got stuck in traffic she almost had it in

hunt look forget it now i'm gonna go out there i'm gonna pretend that i'm

playing you stand behind the curtain and whatever i blow you blow hey dad you

blow hot i blow hot you blow cool i blow cool

It's Mr. Willis, and he's heaven.

Well, get him off of there. I'm ready. Oh, he's not done yet. Oh, a roast

campoyo. Goodie.

And now, moving into the north of Spain, we found this delightful... Tacos,

enchiladas, and Doritos.

Wait a minute, sir.

What are you doing here? Look, you're supposed to always leave them wanting

more, right?

Well, yes, but... I have, I have.

And now, I'd like to introduce you to... the world's greatest flutist. It's me.

My first selection... I think we got a problem.

Just shut up and play.

And my first selection is a merry little tune that will bring to mind birds in

springtime. And the name of this sweet little melody, Sweeter Than the Flowers,

is entitled... What is it entitled?

Send Me Fixed Trombone.

Six trombones, as you've never heard it before.

But you're 75, trombone short. Hey, you can talk about me, but don't talk about

my horn.

You're a great loser, Weez. I thought you were going to be jealous.

Well, you're the big winner. What charitable organization are you planning

talk about on my show? My favorite charity, Jefferson Cleaners. Oh.

Weez is going to talk about the Disabled Youth Services Program at the Health

Center. Oh, come on, Weez. I won this thing fair and square.

You won with a phony trombonist. But it was genuine comedy, right, Bert?

I don't get involved in talent disputes.

But that doesn't mean I don't love you both.

And the trophy, too. Beauty, ain't it?

Hey, Wilbur.

You were great. Hey, you were great, too.

Hey, could you whistle the Star Spangled Banner with your belly button?

Sure.

It sounds better with lips.

Hey, you two were great, too. You know, only thing, you should work more on your

dialogue.

You know, dialogue.

You're mimes, right?

Yes, I get it. I get it. But if you want my sister, too, you have to... Speak a

little slower. Okay.

Read my lips.

You were great.

She is reading your lips. What?

Peppy is deaf.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. I really didn't know.

She's a student at the Disabled Youth Services Program.

Oh.

Is she a friend of yours?

I'm her teacher.

Believe it or not, whistling through my navel? Oh, that's just a sideline.

I wanted to tell her that I enjoy to act.

You tell me.

I can read lips.

Oh, you're very good.

This means thank you.

Oh, this means thank you?

And this means I'm so glad you won a spot on the TV show because people like

so much.

I think you'll be a fantastic spokesperson for the program.

Thank you.

I mean...

Are you sure you got enough, Mr. Willis?

For the moment, yes.

You know, if our act was just a little bit better, we could be making our

television debut right at the station identification.

Hmm. I have a problem with my act.

The problem with my act was I don't think there were enough gauchos in the

audience.

The problem with your act was that there weren't enough gluttons in the

audience.

I think the problem with my act was that there weren't enough Russians in the

audience. I still can't believe that they didn't like my Russian Marlon

You know.

Sonia!

Oh, Bert's back on.

Oh, you better hurry up.

It's time for the interview.

Come on, George. You're missing the whole thing.

Shh. Wheezy's coming on.

Pepe the Mime. She'll be interpreting my speech for the hearing impaired.

Pepe and I would like to begin by thanking George Jefferson for giving us

time to talk about the Help Center.

Anyone who's ever met my husband knows how much this means because he's the

world's biggest ham.

But he felt as Peppy and I feel, that your viewers need to know about our

program.

You know, for a weasel, you're a pretty nice guy.

I

know

that means thank you. But what does the rest of it mean?

It means thank you and shut up.

Change the channel. It's time for Monday Night Football.

Thank you.