Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on up, moving on up, to the side, moving on up, to the deep.

to this letter to dear Abby.

Dear Abby, I'm a 45 -year -old woman. I've been single all my life. My days

are spent cleaning the home of the rich family I live with.

If she was 29, she'd sound just like me.

They treat me decent, but it's a dead -end job.

Sometimes I wonder if my life is worth living.

What do you think?

Signed, Mired in Minnesota.

Oh, Florence.

Isn't that maid pitiful?

Oh, I mean the part about her being 45.

I'll get that.

Hi, Louise.

Hi, Florence. Waiting till you hear. I've never been so happy in my whole

Oh, don't worry, child. Miss Jefferson will take care of that.

Helen. What happened?

Well, Tom had quite a surprise for me in bed last night.

Lucky you.

You don't have to brag about it.

George ain't surprised me in years.

No, honey, that record's still intact.

But the surprise was some great news.

The president of Pelham Publishing is stepping down, and guess what?

Tom is next in line.

Oh, Helen, that's wonderful.

Congratulations. When does he take over? Oh, well, nothing's official yet. But

Tom's only competition is a man named Dave Dawson. And Dave's been there less

than half as long as Tom.

Oh, Mrs. Willis, you must be so proud.

And, you know, Mr. Willis really worked hard for this.

Oh, he sure has.

Yes, and don't sell yourself short, Helen. Remember, you are the woman

the man.

Well, I shouldn't be talking about my own sacrifices. This is Tom's big day.

Just think, Helen.

Tom Willis, president.

Yes. You know, at last he'll be getting the power and the dignified position

he's always wanted.

You know, he was so excited this morning, he forgot to switch the rinse

delicate.

Mrs. Willis, exactly what does the president of a publishing company do?

Oh, well, Florence, it's very hard to explain.

It's such an incredibly multifaceted job.

Oh, but in layman's terms, he'll be pulling down about 150 Gs a year.

Oh, George, guess what?

Tom is going to be the next president of Pelham Publishing.

Great! Fantastic!

Hey, Kurt, Jefferson here. Look, I want you to sell all my shares in Pelham

Publishing.

Right, right.

Hey, it calls for a celebration.

Well, Florence, the door.

Don't look at me. I'm too busy celebrating, Chuck.

Hello, Mr. President.

Hello, George.

Tom, is something wrong?

Am I that transparent?

Yes. Tell us what's bothering you.

Well, the minute I got to the office this morning, it seemed that everyone

staring at me with pity.

Well, you should be used to that by now.

No, I didn't have any breakfast crumbs left on my face.

I checked, and there was nothing wrong with my clothes either.

unless they had some objection to a nice navy blue suit with the discreet

understatement of pinstripes.

Ah, yes, you know, Helen, there's something about pinstripes that... Get

point. Yes, of course, right.

Anyway, I was sitting behind my desk, and then I heard the sound of hammering.

So I got up from my desk, and I went to Dave Dawson's office next door. And what

do you think I saw there?

Dave Dawson. Good answer, good answer.

Yeah, Dave Dawson and three workmen.

They were putting up rosewood paneling. Did you hear that, Helen?

Rosewood paneling. Tom, didn't I say something about getting to the point?

that is the point. Don't you see? No one was putting up any paneling in my

office. Oh, Helen, old man Pelham is leaning toward Dave Dawson for

Oh, Tom.

150 Gs.

Oh, Helen, I feel so stupid.

You should have seen me this morning strutting around the office as if I had

job all locked up.

Oh, Miss Grimes, the water in the cooler has an acidy aftertaste. Get another

bottle. Oh, Miss Fishbein, get rid of all those hanging plants in the outer

office. This is a publishing house, not Sherwood Forest.

Hey, Brogan, I want you to repaint all of the fixtures in the executive

washrooms.

I want the Willis years to go down in history as the era of the golden

I'm just grateful that Grimes, Fishbein, and Brogan weren't there to hear me.

Look, Tom, let's say worse comes to worse.

And this Mr.

Dawson does get the presidency.

How much difference does that really make?

You've waited so many years.

What's a couple more?

Incidentally, how old is the man anyway?

Thirty -one.

Oh.

And how many months?

I can't believe it. Today, of all days, I picked to buy donuts for the whole

office.

Willis, be positive. Look, the pressure could kill Dave, and the job would be

all yours.

Oh, sure, but what am I supposed to do in the meantime?

Oh, I know what they're going to say. Hey, Tom, fetch me some cigarettes.

Hey, Tom, you don't mind running downstairs and getting me a sandwich, do

Hey, Tom, scoot across town and pick up my airline tickets.

Well, who needs it? I can get that kind of treatment at home.

Well,

what are you going to do?

I'll tell you exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to resign.

Now, wait just one minute.

Aren't you being just a little hasty? Shouldn't you have another job lined up

before you quit? No, Helen, this is a matter of principle, and by God, I've

my pride.

Oh, dear, I forgot to defrost the roast, so dinner will be a little late

tonight.

Tom, forget about dinner.

Are you really serious about quitting?

Well, does this tell you anything?

An empty envelope.

Yes, but I intend to fill it with my letter of resignation.

Look, Willis.

Now, I've known you for a long time. I know your skills and I know your

potential. And you don't have enough of either to land another job.

Thank you, George. I appreciate your concern. But I've made up my mind.

And you know something?

I think it's going to work out just fine.

Hey, I could use a little vacation.

I think I'm going to enjoy it out there. Yes?

I think a life of leisure will suit me just fine.

Oh, George!

Wait a minute.

Oh, gee, you look nice.

Thanks. Oh, George.

What? Well, where are you going?

Downstairs to get a couple contracts.

Oh, George.

What?

Well, what time will you get home?

What difference does it make?

Well, George.

What? Well, I thought maybe we could have lunch together or something.

Willis, will you get a hold of yourself?

I can't.

I don't know what to do.

I have no sense of purpose.

I'm bored.

This monotony is driving me out of my mind.

What are you talking about? It's only been one day.

It seems like two.

Look, Willis, wait a minute.

What are you doing here, anyway?

Oh, well, I didn't want to disturb Helen.

You know how cranky she can be when you wake her up.

Willard, I really think you should swallow your pride and go back to work.

Me? Go back?

To do that would be the most spineless thing I could imagine.

It would prove that I have no sense of character, no sense of responsibility

whatsoever.

If I hurry, I can get to the office by nine.

Willis! You dog. You devil.

Why, Mr.

Pelham, how did you know I was here? Your wife told me.

She sure gets nasty when you wake her up, doesn't she?

She's a good cook, though, sir. Look at him. Look at him. What a warrior.

Oh, you're really enjoying putting the screws to me, aren't you? Oh, yes, sir.

mean, no, sir.

Willis, you made a fool out of me and the entire board of directors of Pelham

Publishing. Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

think you had it in you, but damn you drive a mean bargain. I do?

Don't toy with me, Willis. Don't toy with me. I'll admit it. I'll admit it.

You're a man of steel.

You beat me in this test of nerves.

What are you saying, sir? Well, let me put it this way.

What kind of paneling would you like?

Uh, uh, paneling?

I'm offering you the presidency of Pelham Publishing.

Paneling.

You can be numero uno, Willis, and have everything that goes along with it.

Prestige, power, a secretary with legs up to her neck.

Now, what do you say to that?

Could I have mahogany, sir?

You can have anything you want, Mr.

President. Did you hear that, George?

He called me Mr. President.

Well, you are the president.

You got a little breakfast left on your chin. Now, hurry up and get dressed. You

got a two o 'clock meeting with the Wall Street people and a four o 'clock with

our British subsidiary. Right. Yes. And next week, you got a busy schedule. The

paper mill people from South Carolina, contract discussions with the printers

union, and the movie rights negotiations with the coast.

Right. And naturally, the...

Board of Directors will be waiting to hear your State of the Company address

with detailed predictions about where we're heading. Right. Yes. Oh, um, bring

in another box of those donuts.

I love the glazed.

Right. Well, you see, you got the job.

What do you got to say for yourself now?

I don't want to be president!

Mr. Jefferson, how can you sit there chomping down your breakfast when your

friend is out there on the unemployment line?

What are you talking about? Old man Pelham was here this morning and told

he had the job as president.

Really?

Oh, that's great news.

You are right about one thing.

Ain't no way I can eat this breakfast.

Oh, hi, Mr. Willis.

Or should I say Mr. President?

Oh, hi, Florence.

You must be feeling about ten feet tall now.

Oh, should I be treating you any different now?

Oh, no, no, no, Florence. It's no big deal. Let's just go on the way we've

okay? Whatever you say.

Got a little breakfast or something there on your chin.

Well, Willis, how does it feel to be going to work for the first time as the

president? George, I'm scared.

Did you ever get the feeling you'd never stand up straight again?

That the deal fifth had grabbed hold of all of your intestines and was twisting

them into a gigantic knot.

Well, I should soon. I just had some appliances for breakfast.

Oh, hi, Tom.

George told me the good news. You must really feel excited.

I really feel sick.

Oh, well, that's normal. You're just having the first day butterflies.

Oh, I don't know.

Should the butterflies be racing around in squadrons?

Oh, come on.

You've just been handed a very important job.

Anybody would be nervous in your shoes.

I don't care what you say.

I just don't think I have the qualifications to be a good president.

Well, you must have talked it over with Helen. What did she say?

Oh, nothing.

I mean, I couldn't tell her.

I mean, Helen has her heart so set on this that I couldn't let her down. You

mean you'd rather suffer alone than talk to your wife?

Well, naturally, a woman wants to be married to a strong man.

That's the kind of man I would marry.

Don't be ridiculous.

There's no reason for you to put up a front for Helen. You really think so?

Of course, she'll understand.

You just tell her exactly how you feel.

Well, you're right, Louise.

Why should I have to prove to Helen I'm somebody I'm not?

Oh, it's silly going on with this pretending. I'm going to go right

level with Helen right now.

Oh, hi, Helen. Well, I'm off. The troops are waiting.

Tom, I thought you'd already left.

Oh, no, I just dropped in to say goodbye to Louise and George. But I'm off now.

I'm on my way. And don't worry.

Oh, I'm the president, and I know my responsibilities. And you're the

president's wife. You know my responsibilities, too.

So everything's going to be okay.

Bye. Tom, what's wrong?

I don't want to be president. Oh, baby, I had no idea you felt that way.

But, Tom, I'm just a little confused.

Yesterday you were so upset because you weren't going to be president.

Well, don't you understand?

Sometimes a man thinks he wants something desperately, and then when he

he realizes he didn't want it after all.

Well, let's leave your marriage out of this and get back to work.

Oh, honey, I had no idea you were agonizing.

I just want you to be happy, that's all.

You won't feel any less toward me if I turn this job down?

Of course I wouldn't.

If being president is not what you want, then I'll be perfectly satisfied to go

on being married to a vice president.

You will?

Oh, Tom, do you have to ask?

Helen, I hate to rush you, but we are running late for the meeting.

Oh, right.

Honey, I'll see you at dinner tonight, okay?

And remember...

I love you, Mr. Vice President. And I love you, too, Mr. Vice President's

Willis, you make me sick.

I love you, Mr. Vice President. Well,

so what?

To be a vice president, it's still an honor. Oh, yeah? Who honors George Bush?

Why, uh... Um, um... Why, Mrs. Bush.

If that. And how about the vice president before him?

You know, uh... And how about the one before him?

Wait a minute. That name always escapes me. It always escapes everybody.

And you know why?

Why? Because nobody honors the vice president.

Well, I guess that's true. Of course it's true, because the vice president is

content on being number two.

Number two, Willis.

Can you think of anything good about the number two?

Well, I've always liked the number two pencil. Oh, come on.

Wait a minute. I'm confused. No, you're not confused. You know exactly what you

want. I do? Yes, you do. What does Dave Dawson have on his walls?

Rosewood paneling. Uh -huh. And what do you have on your walls?

Plaster.

Is that all you want out of life, plaster?

Well, Willis?

I'm thinking. I'm thinking. Of course not. You don't want plaster and you

want to be vice president. You want to reach the top of the mountain and you

want to keep on climbing until you reach the highest ground.

And what do you want?

Paneling.

And you deserve paneling because you've been there for 20 years. That's right. I

do deserve paneling. And I don't want to be number two.

That's for pencils.

I want to be president.

All right.

Oh, Mr. Willis must still be out. If you'll just wait here, Mr. Jefferson,

sure he'll be back shortly. Thank you.

Vinyl.

You're here, George.

What are you doing under there?

My secretary keeps coming in here trying to find me.

She just won't give up.

Willis, will you get out of there?

What are you doing here, anyway?

I came over to take you to lunch. It's a good thing I did. What the hell's going

on around here? Well, ever since I got here this morning, people keep coming in

and out of this office. I guess they want something.

Well, have you asked them why?

Oh, no.

I was hiding.

Willis, I thought you wanted to be a leader.

Didn't my little pep talk help at all? Oh, yeah.

But you can't come to work with me every day.

Can you?

Willis, I've seen jellyfish with more backbone than you.

Well, now, George, it doesn't matter what you say.

I've already written my letter of resignation.

Oh, do you want to read it?

Here.

I think you're making a big mistake, Willis. Oh, no, I'm not. I gave this a

of thought, and believe me, I just don't have the qualities it takes to make a

good president. What qualities?

Well, you've got to be decisive.

You know, George, I remember way back when I was a Boy Scout, and I was

my troop down a nature trail, and suddenly we came to a fork, and for the

of me, I couldn't decide what to do.

Gee, I always thought you were genius with a fork.

Kismet Publishing is going head -to -head with us on our new cookbook,

the Forgotten Meat. What should we do? Should we double the ad budget or what?

No. Let's blitzkrieg Kismet. I want a copy of our cookbook to hit every outlet

in the country one month in advance.

Oh, and let's change the title. Let's call it The Revolutionary New Turkey

Yes, sir.

Now, what was I saying?

Something about not being decisive.

Oh, yes, that's right. You see, I'm thrown for a loop when the waiter says

or salad.

You see, it's just the story of my life, George.

Oh, come on. Oh, yes, and I'll tell you something else, too.

I'm a patsy.

People have taken advantage of me for years.

You're being too hard on yourself.

Oh, no. Oh, no, I'm not. Well, I can remember people have just played me for

sucker as long as I can remember.

Well, back in high school, I belonged to this club.

They used my house to hold wild parties.

I wouldn't have minded, but they never invited me.

Mr. Willis, we've got a problem.

Yeah, go ahead.

Rattigan's agent's on the phone asking for a second $10 ,000 advance or

won't finish his manuscript.

Absolutely not.

Tell him to hold to that contract or we'll see him in court. Right away.

Snap decisions, George. That's what's needed here.

I've looked at myself.

It just doesn't come naturally to me.

You won't believe this, but before you got here, it took me 20 minutes to

whether to hide under the desk or out on the ledge.

Look, Willis, I figured... He buckles, Mr.

Willis. Uh -huh.

Agents. Thanks, Miss Clack.

So, I'll tell you something else.

Now, this I'm going to confess to you. I'm gutless.

Oh, what is it now?

Tom, listen.

We are having a problem with that biography of General Rex Barkley. He's

threatening to sue.

Look, the guys down in legal think we should halt publication.

Well, forget it.

Barkley is bluffing, and I consider publication of this book vital to the

interest. You got it, Tom. I'll pass the word. Right.

So you see, George, I just don't have the qualities it takes to be president.

I'm an Indian, not a chief. What are you talking about? No, no, it doesn't make

any difference what you say.

I'm going to hand in this letter of resignation. Will you stop running your

mouth and let me run mine?

Three people just came in here.

Three people.

Did they see me? See you? They listened to you. You advised them, and they

listened. You were great.

I was?

What? Hey, I was.

Of course you were. See, sometimes a man is so busy doing something, he doesn't

even know what he's doing.

Yeah, that's true.

Look at me. Like, I'm a big, powerful, important man, and sometimes I don't

what I'm doing.

Yeah, I've noticed that.

Well, George, you're absolutely correct.

I can do this job.

Oh, I thought I was weak.

But you're strong.

I thought I was inept.

But you're ept.

I thought I was unattractive.

But I'm a president. Right.

Come in. Mr. Willis, the board is waiting.

Thank you, Miss Clack.

I'm sorry, George, but I won't be able to have lunch with you today.

My board wants to meet their new president.

Don't worry about it. I'll see you later tonight.

Oh.

Thanks, George.

Oh, Mr. President. Yes?

Your zipper.