Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on up, moving on up, too deep down, moving on up, to a

deep...

Well, let me see if I can figure it out in my head.

This is a disgrace.

I mean, Charlotte's Bar is the only thing in the Jefferson Empire that's not

working. Sorry, I forgot about Florence.

Maybe if we put our heads together, we can find a way for the bar to turn up a

profit. No, no, no, sweetheart.

Don't you worry your pretty little head about it.

Men's brains wear the pants in this family.

I mean, men are cooler.

Men are more analytical.

I mean, let's just face it.

Men are just more sensible.

Huh.

Hello.

Although there are exceptions.

Mr. J., I have a problem. You see, I can't decide whether to wear the blue

or the red nose with my costume tonight at the party.

Now, the blue nose matches my hair, see?

Whereas the red nose is more traditional, and it will match my eyes

of the evening.

Well, I don't know, Bentley. You're the kind of guy who looks good in any color

nose. You know you're not the first person to tell me that.

What do you think, Mr. J?

Oh, well, I don't know if I'm sensible enough to make such decisions.

But why don't you wear one that blinks on and off?

Well, that settles it. Do you mind I have things on my mind?

Oh, well, perhaps I can be of some assistance.

Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt. Okay, take a look at these figures.

Charlie's bar is dying.

What am I supposed to do?

Well, let's take a look here.

Well, in my considered opinion, Mr. J, It's not dying. It's breaking even.

That's not so bad.

Not so bad?

Where'd we be today if the greats of history were happy just breaking even? I

mean, Alexander the Great would have been Alexander the OK.

Ivan the Terrible would have been Ivan the Not -So -Nice.

And Superman would have just been a guy from another planet.

Oh, no, no, no. There I must disagree with you, Mr. J. You see, Superman, I'll

grant you, did hail from Krypton, but his superpowers were such that he... Get

out of here, Barry.

Mr. J., wait. You haven't picked my nose yet.

There has to be something I can do to help with the business. Look, Weave, I

appreciate your offer.

I'll bring home the bacon. Your job is to make sure it's cooked right, okay?

Wait a minute.

There is something you can do, something important.

Oh, well, what is it? I want you to run down to the bar and check on the swivel

sticks. Now, we're paying for plastic. I don't want no cheap imitation.

That's what you want me to do?

Check on the swizzle sticks?

Well, would you mind?

Okay, I'll do it for you.

I thought it was for us.

No, George, it's for you.

With my hands down there, your neck is safer up here.

Hi, Charlie.

Hey, Mrs. Jefferson.

Oh, let me have a ginger ale.

Uh -oh, tough day, huh?

No. Just a typical day married to George.

In that case, let me make it a double, huh?

Really nice to see you, Mr. Jefferson.

See, I got this problem, and I'd really love to discuss it with somebody.

It's about the bar. You know, your husband has been bugging me lately to

some private parties to help increase business.

Well, I finally did it.

What's the problem?

Well, it looks like I'm going to have to close down for a few days. See, my aunt

died, and I got to go to Florida for the funeral.

Oh, that's terrible.

Yeah, I hate Florida.

No, I mean about your aunt.

Oh, yeah, that too.

Charlie.

If you have to go to the funeral, all you've got to do is find somebody to

the bar.

Yeah.

Well, now, let me see.

Where can you find someone you know?

Ralph the doorman.

Who doesn't work at night?

Mr. Bentley.

Who doesn't have an accent?

Mr. Willis.

Who has a financial interest in the business?

My wife?

Who talked to you?

That's it. I'm stumped.

How about me, Charlie?

Well, Mrs. Jefferson, you don't really want to serve drinks to a bunch of old

skulls.

Now, that's not a nice thing to say about your customers.

No, no, no. Mrs. Jefferson, see, that's the private party I booked in here on

Friday. The skulls. They're a motorcycle gang.

motorcycle gang?

Like Hell's Angels on wheels?

More like Hell's Accountants in carpools.

This is a reunion.

I mean, these guys haven't been bikers in 25 years.

I mean, today they're lawyers, doctors, hairdressers.

Hairdressers? Well, I didn't say they were a tough gang.

What do you say?

When do I start?

How about right away?

See, they're burying my aunt at sea, and I figure if I get there early, I might

be able to bag me a tuna.

I'm sure your aunt would have wanted it that way.

Oh, now, Mr. Jefferson, it's real simple. See, now, if we run out of

just add more olives. Run out of cherries, add more cherries. Run out of

More limes. You're a natural.

Listen, why don't I run back there and make out a list of things for you to do,

all right?

Okay, Charlie.

Thanks.

Excuse me, where's Charlie? Oh, he's in the back.

Oh, that's a problem I had. I wanted to talk to him about it. Oh, well, may I

help? You?

Well, why not?

Maybe I should get a woman's point of view.

You see, I have this terrific job, a great wife, and two wonderful kids.

Well, that doesn't sound much like a problem to me. Well, the problem is my

girlfriend. She wants to, uh... She wants to be with me more than two nights

week and every other Christmas.

You think that's fair? I mean, after all, I got a lot of responsibilities.

Fair? Yeah.

You have a wife and two children. Right.

And you want to know if two nights a week with some bimbo is fair?

In a nutshell, yeah. What do you think?

That's what I think.

You know, that's exactly what my wife said.

Thank you.

Okay,

Mrs. Jefferson.

Here's the list.

Oh, and I left out the olives, cherries, and limes. You got that stuff down pat.

Okay, Charlie.

Safe trip.

Thanks, and look out, tuna. Here I come.

The bar business is rough.

You know, just the other day a guy walks in with a gorilla.

And I says to him, hey, take that gorilla to the zoo.

So the man left.

And the next day he comes back with the same animal.

And I says to him, hey, I thought I told you yesterday to take that gorilla to

the zoo.

The guy says I did.

Today I'm taking him to a ball game.

left you in charge, I'm ruined.

Oh, so you don't think I can run this business?

What will you say when I bring twice as much money in as Charlie?

I'll say, wake me up, because I'll be dreaming.

Well, laugh all you want.

I'll show you.

Okay. Tell me one thing you know about running a bar.

I know not to allow freeloaders.

Now, you either order up or get out.

three cents.

That's still better than Charlie did.

I'm counting on nickel I found on the floor.

But tonight will be different.

Tonight we are having a private party that Charlie booked.

The place will be packed.

And George doesn't know anything about it? I'm loving it.

But the problem is I only have two hands.

And there's going to be so much business, I know I'm going to need a

help.

Oh, you know, Helen, you'd look cute in one of these.

I look cute in stripes, too.

But I don't intend on going to prison.

Well, well, look who's here.

It's the businesswoman of the family.

We're going to get ready for happy hour.

Or should I say happy minute?

That's as long as you can keep a customer in the place.

Oh, now, come on, George.

Don't be so hard on her.

I'm sure business will pick up.

After all, it can't get much worse.

Oh, so, Tom, you don't think that Louise could do a good job of running the bar?

Well, you'll have to admit it's not her area of expertise.

I mean, you wouldn't do something so crazy as try to do my job as a

That would be crazy, wouldn't it?

And why would that be so crazy?

Well, now, if Louise doesn't do her job, it just means there are a few more

sober people running around.

If I don't do my job as a bunch of sober people running around with nothing to

read.

Oh, really?

Well, I'll give you something to read.

The directions on the back of one of those frozen dinners.

What are you talking about, Helen? I thought we were going out.

Oh, yes, we were.

But now you're not.

I'll meet you downstairs in an hour, Louise.

Frozen dinners?

I had them for lunch.

All of them.

See how ugly it is when a woman argues for her rights?

You know what?

Shut up.

Oh, come on, Weas.

You don't have to feel ashamed just because you're incompetent.

Don't patronize me.

Now, I told you I would do better than Charlie, and I'm going to prove it.

What am I supposed to do for dinner?

You can eat my dust.

You're supposed to drop what you're doing and come to the bar.

Well, how am I supposed to know that?

Because it's just common bar room sense.

Look, why don't we just practice a little bit?

Hey, honey. Hey, sweet knees.

What did you call me?

Look, I'm just pretending to be a customer.

You pretend to be a waitress.

Oh.

Hey, thick legs.

Who are you calling thick legs?

It's not me, Helen.

It's men in bars.

That's the way they talk to waitresses. Now we are doing this for your own good.

Okay. but leave my legs out of it.

Fine.

Hey, snake hips.

When are you getting off?

Right now. Now, that is it, Louise. I'm leaving. Oh, now, Helen, you're taking

this too personally. Now, try to calm down and do the job.

Um, Mint, I would like a gin and tonic with a quit, please.

Coming right up.

Boulder bosom.

What did you call me?

Oh, that wasn't me.

That was a customer.

The same one who called me Snake Hips.

Good luck, sir.

Hey, old lever ready, Snake Hips.

Skulls, I presume.

That's right.

And you must be Charlie.

You're not what I pictured on the phone.

Charlie had to leave town.

I am Louise. I'm your hostess for this evening. All right, hostess. All right,

we want a party here. Oh, yes, sir, Mr. Skull. Oh, actually, it's Dr.

Skull. He's an endocrinologist.

Oh, I see.

And are you Dr.

Toot? Me? No.

I'm a hairdresser.

See, I used to shave all the skulls' heads. Then I did the Fordham Baldi's

couple of years before I opened up my own salon.

Oh!

Beer's up!

All right! Beer's up!

Get up!

Have no fear!

Chuck is here!

Hey, what, no official welcome?

Excuse me. Allow me.

every year.

How do you do it?

It's easy.

I just remember who I'm cooking for.

You know, Mr. Jefferson, I can take it when you tease me, but I can't believe

you treat your wife so bad. It's just the reality of marriage, Florence.

I get on her nerves, she gets on my nerves, and you get on both of ours.

I'm serious, Mr. Jefferson.

Okay, Florence, if I'm such a bad guy, how come I arranged for a private party

to arrive at the bar unannounced?

It's an old motorcycle club called the Crossbow.

It's because I want Weasley to be a success.

You did all that just to please your wife, huh?

Well, let's not be ridiculous. I mean, I still get half the profits, too, you

know.

Well, then how come you give us such a bad time?

Well, a bad time is better than no time at all.

I guess you're right.

I mean, I'd rather work here than be dead.

Oh, my head.

Let me through. Let me through. Maybe I can help. No, no. It's not my hair. I

lost a contact.

Skulls, motivation B.

Oh,

can I help you? We're here for a reunion.

Oh, sure. Come right on in. The rest of the skulls are open. Skulls!

I see. Well, the rest of your gang is at a bar up the street, way up.

You better go so you won't be late. Wait a minute.

Who are those guys?

I'd recognize that butt anywhere.

It's the Skulls. The Skulls? This is going to be one hell of a reunion.

Excuse me, Skulls. You seem to have company. I'll bet you guys got a lot to

about. Hey, guys, it's the Crossbones. How do we handle this, huh?

No, no, no, no. Please, please. I'm sure you can talk this out peacefully.

You're buying the drinks.

If you buy the second round. Sounds good to me.

over the way you guys are getting along.

You know, it's hard to believe that you guys used to fight all the time.

Well, we were young, restless, and stupid.

Now you're just stupid.

What do you mean by that?

Come on, a doctor takes a kidney out of a tonsillectomy patient? I wouldn't

exactly call you Albert Einstein.

Well, the so -called patient shouldn't have fallen asleep in someone else's

Yeah, well, that's what your attorney said, isn't it? I believe he called it

Goldilocks defense.

I'm sorry, but I felt that claiming contributory negligence based on Exner

versus Basiglio was a proper defense.

If there's no diminished capacity, I mean, even a third -year law student

have cited Augenblick versus the Children's Hospital of Passaic. Not if a

-year student reminded him that New York has rejected Augenblick since 1907.

Besides, my client made full restitution after using an outdated procedure

that caused gratuitous pulmonary stress and severe toxic shock.

Your mama!

is probably one of the nicest things I've ever done for her.

I sure like to see her face right now.

You know,

maybe I should go downstairs and share in her night of glory.

Nah. She deserves this moment in the sun all to herself.

at 7 .30. And remember, lunch, 12 .30 Wednesday.

You got it? All right, the station wagon is taking six to Scarsdale.

We had a great time. I'm sorry about all the damage.

Oh, it's no biggie. Thank you for your patronage. I mean, what's the party

without a few broken glasses?

Yeah, right. Here's something for all the damage.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, everybody, we're making her an honorary scholar.

No, no, I can't. No, really.

Wait till I tell you.

It was the greatest night in the history of Charlie's Bar.

Really? I'd like to see what the place looked like after a bad night.

Those skulls really know how to party.

Yeah, but, Mr.

Jemison, my stool, my table, my, uh, whatever this was.

Oh, well, don't worry. We made enough money to pay for everything and still

a profit. Look.

I'm going upstairs and show George a few hundred reasons that prove

I can run a business.

What are you crying about?

All you got to do is hang around.

I got to clean up this mess.

Hmm.