Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on up, moving on up, to the side, moving on up, to a deep...

efficient way to do this is for you to read the donations while I add them up

the machine.

Okay. Are you ready?

All right.

25, 15, 40.

Hold it, hold it. Something's wrong with this machine.

It helps when you turn it on.

So that's what that's for.

Okay. Ready when you are.

40. Let's see.

Looks like you got $3 ,240 .68.

How did you do that?

Well, it's simple. It's called addition.

You learn it in the third grade.

Oh, this is hopeless.

We'll never get that children's arts program funded.

Oh, that's a shame, Louise, because the art was such a worthwhile cause.

Well, Helen, my feeling is that it could be anything.

Well, the point is to show those children that someone cares.

Well, from the looks of our donations, not that many people do.

Let's see, we are still almost $2 ,000 short of our goal.

Oh, I just remembered.

If it'll help any, I got a donation from my old boss, Mr. Passavoy.

Oh, good.

Oh, he's very well -to -do.

Oh, bless his heart. He's so kind, so thoughtful.

$20.

So cheap.

Well, I tried to avoid it, but I guess I'll have to ask George.

Who knows? Maybe he'll help us.

He does have an appreciation for the arts.

Okay, okay.

I'll admit he doesn't know much about art.

But there's one thing you can bet the ranch on.

George loves children.

Little damn kid.

Well, so long, South Fork.

Something tells me this is not the perfect time to ask him, Louise.

Ask me what?

Oh, uh...

Nothing, George.

What's wrong?

A bunch of troublemakers have been hassling customers in front of my store.

think they've been trying to break in, too. I found Jimmy Marks on the door. I

even caught one of them with a can of spray paint in his hand.

Luckily, I caught him before he could do any damage.

I'm still fast for my age.

So's the kid with the paint.

Now settle down.

I'm going to take care of those kids once and for all.

Okay.

Will you get down here as fast as you can? This is an emergency.

Just hurry up, okay?

Boy, what is it you want to say?

Oh, it's okay. We can talk later.

No, look, if you've got something to say, say it.

Well, no, this is not the right time.

Hold it. Any time is the right time for you, sweetheart.

Well, okay.

George, we need $2 ,000 for the new children's arts program.

Boy, does your timing stink.

Oh, we wouldn't be coming to you, George, if it weren't really important.

This program can change these kids into future Stravinsky's, Vorishnikov, and

Picasso. Yeah, I'd like to change them to Picassos, all right. Put both of

eyes on one side of their nose.

What took you so long?

Oh, I'm sorry, George. It's just that I've been on this killer diet, and I

figured that since Helen was out of the house, I could sneak a sweetheart.

You didn't touch my roast, did you?

I'd like to be very frank with you, dear.

Ever since Mike, the meat cutter, sold it to us, I've considered it our roast.

I better go see how much we left for me.

Honey, none.

Oh, Tom.

Oh, later. Look, I've got something for you. I need you.

You and me are going to have a stakeout.

Oh, great.

I wonder if I should go with a baked potato or cottage fries.

I'm not talking about that kind. I mean, we're going to stake out my store

downstairs. A bunch of kids have been trying to break in. What if it's not

at all?

What if it's some dangerous criminal?

Look, I know what you're saying. I should be sending Florence.

But no, this is a man's car.

You're not eating that, right?

I don't think so.

It's them.

Okay, now listen to the plan. When they come in, you grab them, disarm them, and

sit on them. I'll call the police.

What's the matter, George?

Lost your nerve? Afraid to get in there and mix it up a little? What do you

mean?

No, no!

No, wait!

Don't shoot!

Don't shoot!

Here! It's a Rolex!

Freeze!

watch back off. What are you two doing here?

We came down to see if you were all right and to talk you out of this

Thank you for your interest. Thank you for your concern. And thank you for

leaving.

Well, then, if you don't let us stay, the next light that goes out will be

yours.

All right, all right. You can both stay, but just be quiet.

You won't even know we're here.

Oh, shh.

Helen, I know this is scary, but isn't it such fun?

I guess it is.

You know, I haven't had a feeling like this in my stomach since the last time

played Clue.

Oh, yeah.

That's when you guessed Colonel Mustard in the conservatory with the

candlestick. No, no, no, no, no.

I guess Mrs. Peacock in the library with the lead pipe.

There's going to be George in the dry cleaner with a wire hanger if you both

want to stay.

So dark and scary.

The kind of night when spooky things happen.

It was a night just like this.

Tom and I ran out of gas on a deserted country road.

Oh, Helen, stop. You're scaring me.

Go ahead.

Suddenly, on the windowpane, we heard a... We

couldn't see outside.

The windows were all steamed up.

My heart was pounding in my chest, and my mouth went dry.

My blood went cold.

We prayed it was the wind, but there it was again.

of a human hand knocking on the window.

Suddenly, we realized we had forgotten to lock the door.

And suddenly, without warning, the door flew open.

And there he was.

The man from the oral club.

What did you think it was? A monster or something?

Auto Club?

No, you idiot, the vandals.

But why are they knocking?

Maybe it's a trick.

Or vandals with good manners.

Pizza delivery!

Uh -huh.

It's the old love of dry cleaning to a sense of security with the pizza ploy.

Yo, we got a pizza here for Mr.

Willis. Oh, it must be another Mr. Willis. I would never... Brian, I'm

It's my pizza. What are you doing? This is a stakeout.

What do you got to say for yourself?

Ooh, extra pepperoni.

Can I put that in your tab?

Please. A tab?

You have a tab?

You'd rather I was an alcoholic?

Tom Willis, you have no willpower.

You are the most unbelievable, sneaky, Chicago style?

Hey, this is great. It's like being in camp.

I'll say, 100 bottles of beer on the wall, 100 bottles of beer.

You take one down and pass it around, 90 bottles of beer on the wall, three

bottles of beer on the wall, three bottles of beer.

You take one down... Look, I asked you nicely at 47 bottles. I pleaded with you

at 22 bottles.

Now, I'm... begging you at three bottles, please shut up.

But I only have two beers left. And I only got two ears left, okay?

Hey, wake up. Oh, what's happening?

Nothing. You're too cocked up.

Oh. Look, I'm giving you a chance here. Either you can be part of this action

-packed thriller of a stakeout, or you can just go upstairs and go to bed. Make

up your mind.

Good night, George.

It's just like you two to quit because the chips are down.

Oh, come on, George. There are no chips.

I know, thanks to your husband.

Oh, who needs them anyway, right, Weez? I mean, this is our store. It's been

that way for 12 years. We can do it ourselves.

Right? It's you for me and me for you, and never the twain shall part.

What are you thinking about?

Good night, George.

two of them. Okay, back up, you two. I'm gonna call the cops, and with any luck,

they'll throw you both in jail and flush the key down the East River.

Sounds like he had his Wheaties today, huh? Oh, you're gonna pick on the girl?

Come on, I'll take you. I don't know spots you're the best. Oh, yeah, that's

Boy, call the cops. We ain't scared of them. Okay, I'll call your fathers,

Oh, good idea. Got a pen? I'll write out the number for you.

Mister, call anybody you can think of. My Aunt Alice, if you want.

Nobody's gonna do anything or care.

Wow.

George, I have a better idea. I don't know, Weez. I think a baseball bat makes

better impression.

No, I'm going to use a tried and true method.

I know I can teach these children a lesson that they'll never forget.

Look, how would you like to come upstairs to our apartment for some

a glass of milk?

And milk.

We need to correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't these two delinquents just break

into my store?

Well, now, let's be fair.

We haven't heard their side of the story.

Well, we just let the judge hear their side of the story. They'll throw them in

reform school, whatever law.

That's no place for a child.

That's why I invited them up to our apartment.

Now, they just need a little understanding, that's all.

We're victims of circumstance, sir.

Yeah.

If you wouldn't have been here, we wouldn't have got caught.

I got your understanding right here.

Keep talking, lady. I don't think he's getting the point.

George, somebody has to give them some love. Hello.

Somebody's got to teach them some discipline.

Goodbye.

They need love. They need discipline.

They also need something to eat. Let's say we boogie on upstairs and scarf some

of those munchies you were talking about.

Oh, look, children.

What are your names?

Me? I'm Pat Benatar, and this is my bud, Bruce Springsteen.

Okay, Patty, this is what I want you and Bruce Springsteen to do.

Call for that? It's obvious that that is not their name. They're just using

their friend's name to get them in trouble.

Well, I don't care what your names are. Are you coming up with us or not?

You mind if my friend and me have a brief conference here by the cash

Have it over there.

Away from the cash register.

What do you think?

I say we go with him. We can scope out the joint and then rip him some time

they ain't at home. Besides, she's a pushover and the guy is obviously a

Cool. Plus, I'm really up for a brownie. Me too.

We're there.

If it's okay with your old man, that is.

George. No, it's cool. You can bring your two friends if I can bring a friend

mine. They call him Louie.

That's short for Louisville Slugger.

Well, here we are.

Now, you two just make yourselves at home.

Okay, Randy, you turn down the heat and I'll put a hole in the picture window.

Where do you keep your rats, lady?

We didn't have any rats before you two got here.

George!

Now, kids, before I fix you your brownies, we have one rule in this

You must wash your hands.

Two rules.

You must wash your hands and don't steal anything.

The bathroom is right over there.

Gee, Mr. Jefferson, are you sure you trust us in there?

No, but the toilet's bolted down.

George, what is the matter with you?

Now, you have to show them a little trust. Trust? What are you talking

You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

They are not old dogs. They are nothing but young pups. Oh, yeah? Well, paper

training is tougher.

George, this is a chance for me to put all of my training from the help center

to good use.

Now, I know I can find some good in those kids.

Okay, Reeds, I'll tell you what. If you find goodness in those two, I will give

you a check for the children's arts program.

Deal.

All done, all clean. Yeah, want a check?

Uh, no, that's okay. Yeah, I want a check. Okay, up against the wall. Sue

physician.

Don't mind my husband.

That's just his way of saying welcome to our home.

Hey, Willis, look. Get down here as fast as you can. And bring your camera.

Right. What?

Of course you got a pain in your stomach. You ate nine pieces of that

You see, I'm used to dealing with young folks like you. I worked for the help

center for years, and I've learned to speak your language.

That's far out.

Oh, well, not by bus.

The 112 gets me there ten minutes late.

Oh, you are hungry, aren't you?

Mm -hmm. Oh, and I guess you broke into my husband's store because you

needed money to buy food, didn't you?

Mm -hmm.

Oh, and probably your parents are never home to cook for you. Is that right?

Mm -hmm.

And when you get right down, I'll bet.

No one ever found the time to show you that they really cared about you. Am I

right? Mm -hmm.

Well, I care.

How do you feel now?

A lot better, huh?

Mm -hmm.

Know why?

Mm -mm.

Because this is the first time anyone ever really listened to you.

This is communication.

Get in here, Willis.

Here's my camera, George. All loaded and ready to go. What's up?

We finally caught those kids who were trying to break into the store. What did

you do?

I let Weezy handle it.

Did you give them hell?

I'll say.

She's in the kitchen right now feeding them some of Florence's brownies.

What? I'll explain later.

See, I sent some bait out, so I'm planning on catching a couple of rats.

Oh, I see.

Well, say, Louise should be more careful with her jewelry.

Somebody could steal this.

Give me that. That's part of the bait.

What are the pictures for, then? When the rats bite, I'll have the pictures as

proof.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, George, but isn't that entrapment?

Yep.

Can I help?

Yeah. Tell me what to do. Get out.

You bet.

Oh, Wheeze, I'm glad you're out of the kitchen. Let's go into the kitchen.

I want you to make me some coffee.

Oh, would you mind making it yourself, George? I don't want to stay here with

the kids. No, Wheeze, I like the way you make it with the water and the grounds

and everything.

Well, I'll be right back. You two get to know each other.

Oh, George, I really think I've gotten through to those two.

Yeah, I know what you mean, Wheeze. I always felt that if somebody had given

Jack the Ripper some brownies, all those English girls would be alive today.

And there was some cash over there on the deck. Merry Christmas.

Stevie, cool it. That lady's been nice to us.

Not as nice as her old man's been to her.

How do you want your coffee, George?

Hot.

Of course it will be hot.

Hotter.

Then what?

Boiling.

You'll burn yourself.

Randy.

Pearl's not... Hey, don't touch it, okay?

Didn't you ever think that Mr. Clean Jeans might have laid all this stuff out

purpose just so he could bust you with it?

That is a good point, Rand, my man.

Cold.

Colder.

Antarctic. What are you doing?

Shh. She picked up something.

I told you.

George, you are being ridiculous. Oh, yeah, if I'm being so ridiculous, what

you call this?

Where's my wife's bracelet?

I don't have it. Don't look at me.

Okay, that's there. That's okay.

This is here. That's okay.

What is all my jewelry doing in the living room?

I laid it out here, Weasley, and these two suckers didn't have the decency to

pick anything up.

George, that's the most reprehensible thing that you've ever, ever done.

I don't believe this. Everything is still here.

Of course it is.

And I think you owe these two young people an apology.

No, I don't owe them no apology. They broke into my store.

George, that's history.

They didn't know us then. They didn't know any better. Now they do. Yeah, tell

him, Mrs. Jefferson.

Baloney, you were crooks then and you're crooks now.

Oh, yeah? Then how come we didn't rip off all the stuff you laid out for us?

Your little test here?

I don't know.

Forget it, Mr. Jefferson.

Let's go, Stevie.

Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. George, say something.

But, Weasley, what am I going to say? Come on.

Okay, wait a minute.

Look.

It really wasn't right for me to set you up like this.

In fact, when I was your age, I probably wouldn't have passed the test like that

myself, okay?

Me too.

Okay, okay, knock it off.

Thanks again, Mrs. Jefferson. Goodbye, dears.

Well, Wheeze, you were right and I was wrong for once.

Then you won't mind giving me the money for the help center program?

Hey, you earned it.

All right, all right, all right!

What's going on?

I grabbed the dude's wallet.

What'd you think that hug was, love?

Come on, Steve, you gotta give that back. No way, man.

200 bucks and some credit cards?

Did the brownies and milk go to your head?

Give me that! No!

Here you go, Wheeze. 2 ,000 clams.

What's that?

Hey, what are you two doing? Come on, man. Give me that wallet.

Choke on it.

That's my wallet.

That little girl picked my wallet.

I don't believe this.

Wait, what are you doing?

You are right, George.

Those kids can't be saved.

What are you talking about?

Well, they break in your store.

You treat them nicely, and then they steal your wallet.

Yeah, you're right, Weas.

One of them stole the wallet.

But the other one gave it back.

Yeah, you're right.

I know I'm right.

Look, Weas.

I mean, let's face it. You can't help all of them.

This check is just for the ones that you can.

Oh, thank you, George.