Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on now, moving on now, to...

All contestants must be Kent Tobin fan club members.

Yeah! The poem must be no longer than 50 words and must be titled, What Kent

Tobin's Hairdo Means to Me.

Listen to mine.

Kent Tobin, Kent Tobin, I sure love your hair.

It's curly and black and you wear it with flair.

Your pompadour's great, your sideburns are too.

I would do anything to be your shampoo.

Amanda, child, that don't even rhyme.

Well, listen, girl, I gotta go. I'll talk to you later.

Florence, I just can't decide which earrings to wear to the charity ball.

What do you think of these?

Those are nice.

How about these?

Beautiful. Beautiful.

Or... How about these?

Perfect.

Florence, you are not paying any attention to me.

Well, why should I pay attention to a woman with bananas in her ears?

Because she's the one who puts bread in your pocket.

I'm sorry, Miss Jefferson, but it's just that when I'm looking at my Ken Tobin

fan club newsletter, child, all other forms of life cease to exist.

Oh, what do you think? How do I look?

Oh, you look wonderful.

I do, don't I? It's amazing what a man like me can do for a simple tuxedo.

You know, that's funny.

I was going to say it's amazing what a tuxedo can do for such a simple man.

Well, I see you've decided to wear a vest instead of a cummerbund.

Yeah, you know, I figure the vest points out my style more, my class, my

sophistication, you know.

Besides, when I sit down, the cummerbund rides up on me. Feels like I'm wearing

a bra.

Where the will is this?

You know, I'm surprised to see you so excited.

I always thought you found these charity balls boring.

What made you think that?

Because you spent the last one flicking peas into the saxophone with your spoon.

That's only because the tuba was too easy.

Besides, this is different. I mean, this is a charity I care about. This is one

that's close to my heart.

What's the name of it again?

Americans Against Amnesia.

Oh, hello, George.

Oh, Louise, you look beautiful. Oh, it is both of you.

But aren't you two a little early?

Well, it's a warm evening and the hotel is not too far away. We thought we'd

take a leisurely walk over there.

What?

Surprise that you won't. They're going to start serving hors d 'oeuvres in

exactly five minutes.

Helen, do you have the number of Rocket Cab?

You know, Tom, sometimes I wish you'd look at me the way you look at Ramaki.

Never mind. I'll call information.

Well, don't y 'all look terrific?

Oh, thank you, Flora. Thank you. I wish you were going with us.

Oh, I'm going to stay here and do some cleaning. And then I'm going to do some

reading. I got three new soap opera magazines.

Excuse me.

You know, I can't believe how many people spend so much time watching those

silly soap operas. What do you mean, silly?

Well, they take up the best part of your day, and they sensationalize

everything.

And worst of all, do you really think that if Sabrina was having Dr.

baby, she would jeopardize her marriage to Kevin by naming the baby after him?

Well, I tell you, now let's get serious.

No, let's get going.

Oh, yes.

I don't want to miss Senator Collier's opening remarks.

Oh, didn't we tell you? Senator Collier won't be there.

But he's always been such a big supporter in the fight against amnesia.

happened? He forgot.

Well, they got a last -minute replacement.

Uh, Kent Tobin.

Who?

Kent Tobin. He's been interested in amnesia ever since that character he

on the soap opera developed it.

Take me with you, please!

Please, my creases.

Mr. Willis, please. You said you wished I was going.

Yeah, that's before we knew you wanted to go.

Mr. Willis, please.

Well, Florence, it's sold out.

Well, let me go on your plate.

I'm sorry, but I have to go with George.

I've got business.

And miss the hors d 'oeuvres?

And miss Kent Tobin?

Oh!

Oh, Florence.

I know you're disappointed.

But behind every dark cloud, there's a silver lining.

Now, I remember when I was a young girl, Billy Eckstein was singing at the

Apollo, and I had to stay home. I was crushed, but it turned out to be the

luckiest day in my life.

A delivery boy came to the house.

And do you know who that delivery boy was?

George Jefferson.

You got it! Take me with him.

We're sorry, we can't.

Well, could you at least give him my poem? Oh, of course.

I'd do anything to be your shampoo.

Oh, gee, Florence, but we'll be a little far from the day.

I'll see that he gets it.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Willis. At least somebody's looking out for me.

Cab's here.

Thanks, Ralph, but you could have just called. I know, sir, but I always feel a

phone so cold, so impersonal, so unprofitable.

Thank you.

Come on, y 'all, let's go.

Are you sure you're going to be all right?

Yeah, I'll just stay here and have fun on my own. All right, bye -bye.

Oh, look.

The fun's started already.

Oh, hilarious.

Goodbye, everybody.

Have fun.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

I want to puke.

They did it again, didn't they, Florence?

What? Went gallivanting off, flaunting their money, leaving you here with

nothing to do and no one to do it with in a tattered but comfortable house

dress.

Don't try to cheer me up, Ralph.

What's it going to be tonight, Florence?

Solitaire reruns? Or, it pains me to say it, turning in a little early?

You're real depressing, you know. Oh, I'm sorry, Florence, but it's the same

Cinderella story all over again. Here you sit in your rag of a house dress

the wicked stepsisters are at the ball.

I don't want to talk about it, Ralph.

I can't blame you.

You want to play a game of Scrabble?

Oh, I'd love to, but I have to get dressed.

I'm going to the ball.

Haven't you heard?

Kent Tobin's going to be there.

Even Ralph gets to go to the ball.

My one chance to meet Kent Tobin and I have to miss it.

Ralph was right.

I am like Cinderella.

I wish I had a fairy godmother.

I'm your godfather.

My godfather?

Yeah. We dropped the fairy part.

After all, this is the 80s.

If you think I'm gonna buy this song and dance routine about you being my

magical godfather, then your magical mama raised a fool.

Careful. You could cost yourself a wish.

Oh, sure.

Are you trying to tell me that you can make wishes come true?

Try this on for size.

I didn't wish for a sandwich.

I know, but I did.

How many times have I told him to hold the mail?

You really can do magic.

Oh, would you grant me a wish? Please, please, pretty please.

Oh, yeah, sure, sure.

Oh, no, this is so typical.

Nobody ever believes me. And then when I finally convince him, it's gimme,

gimme, gimme.

Santa has the same problem. We were just talking about it at our group therapy

session.

Therapy? Yeah, there's a bunch of us that nobody ever believes in.

There's me, Santa, the tooth fairy, and two used car

salesmen from New Jersey.

Sorry I didn't believe you, but I thought at least you'd have a magic

Nah. Nowadays, I use this magical digital watch.

Hey, do you realize it's 3 a .m. in Rangoon?

Say that.

My hand went right through you. Yeah.

I should have been a boxer.

I could have been a contender.

Wow. And that's not all.

You're the only one who can see me.

Well, big deal. I'm the only one here.

Wrong, kitchen cleanser breath.

The wicked stepsisters are on their way.

How do you know?

Trust me.

That serious ho's nose.

Well, I'll be the prettiest one at the ball.

No, I will.

No, I will.

This is going to be one butt ugly ball.

Are you laughing at us? No, I was just thinking about the time you put the

Tabasco in my toothpaste.

Wasn't it hot lips?

Well, Florence, while we're having the time of our life tonight, we want you to

scrub and polish this entire house.

That's right.

Prince Kent is choosing his bride tonight, so of course I'll be bringing

home. No, I will.

No, I will.

Fat chance, hog hair.

She's not laughing at you. She's just delirious from eating her own cooking.

But never mind her. Run along. You need to get ready. Go put on your loveliest

gown. Oh, but these are our loveliest gowns. Oh, well, in that case, put on

makeup.

We are made up.

Oh, well, then we'll just tell everyone that the ball is a Halloween party.

Okay, now, let's work on our attitudes.

Heads high, shoulders back.

Think lovely.

Think glamorous, think beautiful.

Think harder.

See, she's laughing at us again. Be kind.

The simple -minded laugh at anything.

Now, you must remember, to catch the prince's eye, you must be desirable.

Spray them down. They need all the help they can get.

Oh, I wish I could meet the prince.

You? Don't be ridiculous.

Don't laugh.

The prince just might want to meet her.

You really think so?

Nah, he already has a maid.

Deb,

Daddy, they're laughing at me. You deserve it.

Oh, you really want to go to that ball. don't you oh more than anything but

i could never go like this why do you think i'm here the question has crossed

mind i can get you in come this way go in there and when you come back

out that door you'll be a new woman a new woman

That ain't exactly what I had in mind.

Be grateful. Last week it was a rhinoceros.

Couldn't I just click my heels and wind up in Bloomingdale?

That's a great idea.

But before you do, there are two things that you must remember.

First, the magic spell wears off at midnight.

And second, always brush after every meal.

I'm sorry, that darn tooth fairy. He always dominates those group therapy

sessions.

His Royal Highness the King and Mrs. Albania.

And his obnoxious father and his two ugly daughters.

Your panties are showing.

I'll get you to look.

Hey, Helen, look!

Food!

Look, it's gonna be hard enough trying to get you married off without bean dip

on your chin.

Sorry, Daddy.

That's okay. Just think pretty.

There's no reason why Kent wouldn't marry one of you. Just think positive.

And put bags over your heads.

Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce to you one of my

oldest and dearest friends.

This guy's such a beautiful man, I'm not ashamed to say I love him.

Your favorite soap star and his.

Prince Kent!

Don't kiss me hand and do hello mother me.

So, Mr. Big Shot, when are you going to choose a bride, eh?

Oh, come on, Mom. There's lots of women, so little time.

And only one magnificent me.

Why you have to be so picky?

Well, there's lots of things.

I've always liked women with long hair.

And, of course,

I've always liked women with... Short hair, too.

I like short women. Slouchy. And I like tall women.

Very tall women.

Call the dungeon. I need a stretching rack.

But the thing that is most important to me is a woman with true inner beauty.

Hey, look.

He's not looking at the outside.

Now, tell me.

Who's going to get the first dance, eh?

Well, I think I'll pick... No.

No. No.

No.

No. Pick.

Pick.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Florence Johnston.

I pick her.

Where have you been all my life?

On my knees, scrubbing that wacky yellow buildup.

Don't worry, I'll take care of everything.

Well, I see you've met my favorite daughter.

Florence, did I tell you it isn't my will?

This is your daughter? Yes, by my former wife. It's a different husband.

Don't you know it's resemblance?

If you'll excuse us, I'm trying to show this woman the time of her life.

Well, may I cut in?

mind if Florence and I have a moment alone?

Well, may I join it? Let me answer you this way.

Guards!

Sorry, fellas, my dance call is all filled up.

Oh,

Florence, your eyes.

Did I ever tell you how beautiful I look in them?

I've looked for you so long.

Will you love me?

Will you marry me?

Will you be my shampoo?

I'll have to think about it.

Yes.

You'll make me the happiest, handsome man in the world.

Can you fill this moment with a kiss?

Hold it.

Ready, willing, and puckered.

It's almost midnight.

Hurry, kiss me.

I will, my angel. But first, please accept this rose as a token of my

love. Thanks, fine, wonderful.

Can we get on with it? I will, my sweet.

But let me tell you how my heart is filled with joy.

You've made the world an even more beautiful place than I have.

Everything in my power to make you happy.

Quick, fly us to an earlier time zone.

Lawrence, I'm truly a lucky man.

You're charming, you're witty, you're beautiful.

And out of time.

where were we?

Florence, what are you doing?

Oh, I was just making sure that gotch got still good on this pillow.

Yep, good through the holidays.

It really wasn't too much fun. What are you talking about? It was great.

Kent Tobin sat right at our table.

He sent you his picture, though.

Oh.

Dear Florence, thanks for the poem.

It was really adequate.

Love, Kent.

And he asked us to give you this.

Florence, we really are sorry we couldn't take you with us.

But we'll make it up to you somehow.

Oh, that's okay, Miss Jefferson.

I had the time of my life right here.

He called me adequate.