Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on now. Moving on now.

What's a seven?

Three and four. That's seven.

Weasley, I thought you were trying to relax.

Oh, I am.

I'm very relaxed.

I'm probably the most relaxed person in the whole world.

Come on, Weasley, you know you're not having any fun. Why don't you go back to

work at the help center?

Because they won't let me.

They think I'm overworked, that I put in too many hours.

Isn't that ridiculous?

Well, it's obvious you're not relaxed with me around, so I'm going to work.

Well, George, wait a minute.

You need to relax, too. I know that. That's why I'm going to work.

Well, that's enough of that.

Glad to see you. Come here and relax with me. I'm sorry, Mr. Jefferson. I

to do the bedroom. Oh, come on. But I really... Sit down and join me.

Now, I have a little problem.

You see, I have three weeks of nothing to do, and I don't really think I know

how to handle it.

I wish you told me this before I did the dishes.

Florence, now, how do you manage to stay so relaxed?

Okay, here's a perfect example.

You hear that?

Yes. I don't.

But that could be somebody important.

Not to me.

Oh, I'm sorry. I've got to get that door.

Okay, that brings us to my first step in relaxation.

What? I'm going to let you.

Mrs. Jefferson, ma 'am? Oh, Ralph, it's good to see you. I have some mail here

for Mr. Jefferson. I rushed it right up because it looked rather urgent.

I thought he might like to read it right away. Oh, well, he's not here.

Oh, in that case, I'll just rush it along to some other current resident.

Ralph, since you are here, I don't have a thing to do. Why don't we chat for a

while?

Oh, I'd like that, ma 'am.

But as you know, time is money.

So if you have the money, I got the time.

Let's boogie.

Uh,

ma 'am, the meter's running.

Oh, yes.

Well, Ralph, there is something I've always wanted to ask you.

This title, doorman, it's so ambiguous.

What exactly does a doorman do?

I open doors.

Doors, is it?

Well, tell me this. How the heck do they get closed?

Good day, ma 'am.

Oh, wait, Ralph.

Now, I thought we were going to talk for a while. I mean, we haven't even

touched on your uniform yet.

Ma 'am, here's a twist. I'm going to give you a tip.

Get a pet.

Oh, Ralph, I'm sorry if I'm boring you, but like I said, I don't have anything

to do.

I'm sorry, too, ma 'am. But the job of boring me is already taken.

By my wife.

Oh, let me get this for you.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

You're Sammy Davis Jr.

I don't want anyone to know I'm here.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Now that we've discovered that, I'll be on my way. Oh, how clumsy of

me. I hope you don't have anything fragile in here. Oh, no, just crystal.

Why don't you put that on top of the other damaged goods?

Do you live around here?

Well... Let me explain it to you, Mrs.

Jefferson.

But you can call me darling.

Look, lady.

My wife and my doctor decided that I could take six weeks off from show

and everything else and go someplace and totally relax.

Now, for the last five weeks, I've tried that, but everywhere I went, they knew

me.

I guess doing that soap opera was not such a good idea after.

Well, anyway, I decided I would try to lose myself in my hometown, the biggest

city in the country.

Really? And what happened next?

I sublet this apartment.

Wow.

I want you to promise me that you won't tell anyone I'm here, will you? Oh, you

can count on me, Sammy. Oh, mind if I call you that?

Of course not, since we're never going to see each other again.

Oh, you know, Sammy, you and I have something in common.

That's funny. You don't look Jewish.

No, no. You see, you were here for a week to relax, and I'm taking three

off right now to relax.

Isn't life funny? Not from where I'm standing.

Seeing... As we have so much in common, I was wondering if you could do me one

teeny, tiny, weeny favor.

What? Well, I'd like to invite all of my friends down to my apartment and have

you sing Candyman.

No.

Some of my friends.

Look, you got to promise me, Mrs. Jefferson.

that you will not tell a single soul that you see me, all right? Because this

it for me. Oh, well, I promise.

Okay, now, and don't help me. Don't help me with the packages.

Please, Mrs. Jefferson, don't help me. I'll get into this apartment on my own,

okay?

It's been my thing.

I promise I won't tell if you sing one verse for me.

Who can take the sunrise?

Oh, Florence!

Florence!

Yes, Miss Jefferson?

Oh, you'll never guess what just happened to me. What happened?

I can't tell you.

I'll never guess.

Well, all I can tell is that this is something that if you knew what it was,

boy, would you be upset with me for not telling you?

reporter, national investigator.

If you believe it, we'll print it.

Well, what can I do for you? I'm trying to get an interview with Sammy Davis

Jr., but he's not being too cooperative.

Uh, Sammy Davis Jr.? Yeah, I've been chasing him all over the country, but I

can't pin him down.

Uh, we got a tip that he was in New York, and according to your doorman,

somewhere in this building.

Have you seen him?

No, no, I haven't seen him. If you steer me on to him, we mention your name in

the story.

I can't help you. And we pay well for information. Oh, I'm sorry. Two thousand

bucks. Two thousand...

introduce you, but apparently you already know who Mr. Osteen is.

Oh, yes! I just love your paper. It is so full of interesting articles. Like

that cover story last week. Man with two noses marries woman with no face.

Transplant expected.

You know, Dan, rather don't give you no news like that.

That's why he doesn't work for the investigator.

Look, here's my card. Call me if you see Sammy, or a child under the age of

eight lifting an automobile.

Ooh, $2 ,000. Do you know how many dollars that is?

Oh, Florence, you are not going to involve yourself in this dumb search,

you? Miss Jefferson, I respect a celebrity's right to privacy just like

else. Oh, good.

I wonder if they'll pay extra for Alto Reese.

Oh, where are you off to?

The army surplus store.

What for?

A metal detector.

See, I figure with all that jewelry Sammy wears, it's the quickest way to

it.

Who is it?

Your only friend.

The one who broke your car.

You go find somebody.

Oh, come on, Sammy. This is important.

The candy man can't.

Oh, no, no, no, no. No. Sammy, I've got some terrible news.

You're twins.

Oh.

No. My maid and the national investigator are on to you.

I sang Candyman for you. Oh, I didn't tell anybody.

They just know that you're in the building. They don't know exactly where.

Good. Oh, they tried to grill me. Oh, but I played it cool.

You know, like you did in Ocean's Eleven.

You remember that scene? Yes. Look, Mrs. Jefferson, I came here to relax, and

this is not very relaxing.

Oh, well, then how about some coffee?

I don't have any coffee in there.

Oh, perfect. Then we can go and relax in my place.

Caffeine and you.

Oh, now, come on. You owe me. I owe you?

Okay, okay. The truth is, I wanted a picture of you sitting on my couch, and

can't very well bring the couch over to your place.

No, that's true. Not the way you drop things.

Mrs. Jefferson, are you sure we're alone in here?

Oh, of course.

I'll prove it to you.

Sammy Davis Jr.

is here!

See? Nobody.

Oh, I just remembered. We have to wait here until my maid gets back. She took

the camera.

Mrs. Jefferson, I can't wait here till your maid gets back because she'll see

me.

Now, I have an Instamatic in the bedroom.

I'll go get it. I'll be right back. Have a seat. All right.

Chains help me relax better.

Well, then, great.

Look, we gotta get out of the airport in 20 minutes.

What? We gotta sign the Peterson contract today.

Well, why do I have to go? Because you're 50 % of Jefferson Cleans. If we

sign today, the deal's off.

Come on, Peterson's plane leaves in 20 minutes. Oh, George, I can't go. What?

I can't go. I won't go. I absolutely refuse to leave this apartment.

Great. We'll talk about it on the way.

Better take this. Looks like Lane.

Oh, boy.

You ain't picked for a dog out there.

I thought we were only going to stay for 20 minutes.

Hey, I'm not the one to turn over the delivery truck.

Would you believe it, Weas? Hog, head, cheese all over the Long Island.

Not much. Oh, I'll leave you a drink. Oh, no. You better go change your

George. But I'm not that wet.

No buts. Just go change.

And do it very slowly.

Research shows that the breeze from changing wet clothes too fast may cause

to get pneumonia.

stuck in a cab with my husband for three hours, and I didn't say a word about

you.

Come on.

You will feel better once we get you into your apartment.

Oh, hurry up, Daddy.

You're back so soon?

It is coming down in...

Bucket's out there.

You know what?

I'm going to sit down where it's nice and warm and dry in here and watch TV.

no, you can't do that.

Why not?

Because I'm giving you the week off.

Well, thanks, Miss Jefferson.

Oh, don't thank me. Just pass.

Wouldn't you know it? A vacation in the rain.

Mr. Jefferson.

There is nothing that you can say. I repeat, nothing you can say

that will stop me.

Oh, quick, in the bathroom.

Not in the bathroom again.

It is too small in the bathroom. I get claustrophobic.

Oh, well, uh, oh, the closet.

Much better.

Oh, hi, Helen. Hi, Louise.

Well, may I come in?

No. Why not?

Uh, uh, I have to go to the bathroom.

Well, don't let me stop you. Look, I just want to pick up the blue sweater I

left down here yesterday. Is it in the closet? No.

I mean, yes. I mean... I'll get it.

Oh, thank you.

Who were you talking to, Louise?

My coat.

I always talk to my coat that hang in the closet.

You see, they can't think.

And they don't know that you're going to wear them again in the winter unless

you tell them.

You do remember the phone number for the help center?

Yes.

Use it.

Well, Sammy, now that you've seen most of the house...

Mrs. Jefferson, I have never spent a more miserable day in my life.

Oh, come on, Sammy. I saw Cannonball run.

That's a cheap shot.

I'm leaving now.

I mean, leaving.

I am going.

This is it. Toofinee. I am finished.

Oh, but, Sammy. What?

You're forgetting something.

What?

Our picture on the couch.

You... You

got

a lot of chutzpah, lady.

True, but not many friends.

Oh, you...

We had to check on something.

I got a report Sammy Davis Jr.

was seen crying in the rain on your balcony with a pigeon on his head.

Well, actually, I did see Mr.

Davis.

He was leaving out of the lobby with a suitcase.

Oh, yeah?

Where was he going?

To Zimbabwe.

Great. I hear it's beautiful this time of year.

By the way, We're doing other eyewitness stories, too. You seen any UFOs lately?

No. You can lie.

Sorry.

Well, anyway, if you grow another limb or see Hitler or anything, give us a

buzz.

I

gotta

tell you that I... I do appreciate that.

Oh, Sammy, I have to apologize for all the mess that's happened today. Mrs.

Jefferson, please, don't sweat it.

Now, would you, uh, would you like to, uh, take that picture?

Oh, sure!

But you gotta do me one teeny, tiny little favor. Oh, anything.

Please get off my foot.

bright side, I'm still the only one who knows that you're here. You're right.

Hey, Reese, you see my electric razor?

Hey, Sam.