Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on up, moving on up, to the top, moving on up, to a deep...

Not a chance.

Now, I am going to exercise.

I've been promising myself I was going to start for weeks, and today is the

I'm going to whip myself in shape and be thin, thin, thin.

Now, don't I? One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two.

On second thought, don't nobody want a bone but a dog.

And he don't want it if ain't no meat on it.

the way ideas come.

I was taking the subway home from my queen's store, you know, and guess who

staring down at me?

Children?

No. A picture of Miss Subway. You see, every year they pick a beautiful girl to

represent Miss Subway. So I figured, why not me? Well, George, if you expect to

have any chance at all, you'll have to shave off the mustache.

No, we... I mean, a Miss Jefferson Cleaners promotion.

I mean, everybody get to know Jefferson Cleaners.

Oh, George, I don't know.

Well, it worked once. Everybody knows about the subway.

Yeah, and it's better than that Valentine's Day promotion.

Remember, half off for anybody named Cupid.

How's this for a promotion? Take this dry cleaning into the bedroom or half

your next paycheck.

I'm telling you, these Miss Jefferson cleaners is going to be bigger than the

bicentennial. Oh, George, I hate the idea.

It's just exploiting women for your own gain.

You say that like it's bad.

Women have come a long way, and they don't appreciate being treated as sex

objects. Why, today we have women scientists, women governors, even women

astronauts. Yeah, but I want somebody good -looking.

George, don't you understand? Women don't want to be looked at like pieces

meat. Oh, yeah? Then how come you can walk up to the plainest woman in the

and say to her, you sure are looking good today, and she'll say thank you.

go on, George. Fine, you sure are looking good today.

Thank you, Mr. Jefferson.

Well, George, since you're so hung up on looks, I assume that you're not going

to even bother with anything like a talent competition.

Of course it's going to be a talent competition.

It gives the audience a chance to stretch their legs before the swimsuit

competition.

So you're really going through with this beauty contest, huh?

Isn't that the most sexist thing you ever heard of?

Absolutely. And I got a friend, Ernestine, whose daughter would be

She look anything like Ernestine?

Spit an image. Great, have a gallop on by.

George, having a beauty contest is a big decision.

I can't believe that you didn't talk it over with me first.

I am talking to you.

Every time something important happens, I talk to you before I talk to anybody

else. Mr. J, this beauty contest of yours is a smashing idea.

So I would be the first person you'd talk to, huh? Hey, I hung a sign up at

Charlie's Bar. I didn't talk to nobody.

What do you want?

Well, actually, I've come to ask you a favor. You see, I have this friend named

Sophia. Forget it, Bentley. I ain't taking no bribes. Please, Mr. J, you

know how much this could mean to me. What are you talking about?

Have you ever been in love?

No.

George!

I thought I met recently.

But you know what it's like to yearn for a woman. Well, that's the way I feel

about Sophia.

We've only just recently met, but I know she's the one for me.

She's so sweet, so pure, so innocent.

How do you know that?

Well, it says so right in here.

Look, Bentley, Miss Jefferson Kleenex has to be more than just pretty. She's

to have talent. Oh, Mr. J.

I mean, other than that, Bentley.

Oh, I can assure you, Mr. J, there's a lot more to Sophia than just these

pictures. She can be so warm, so intelligent, and, depending upon the

this contest, so affectionate. Look, okay, I'll tell you what. I can't

you anything, but we're holding auditions tonight. Can she be here in

three hours?

With wings on her feet.

Oh, that's more than she's wearing in the picture.

You won't be sorry about this, Mr. J. Oh, listen, when they asked her what her

favorite tree was, she said, the Christmas.

Oh.

I appeal to your sense of decency one last time.

Please stop this beauty contest. I can't do that, Weez. I got a bunch of

contestants coming over here tonight.

So no matter what I say, you're still going on with this, right? Right. Even

though you know I disagree with you. Weez, I got to.

Then, in that case, I know this lovely young lady, Dorothy, at the help center.

Oh, no, not you, Doris. Not Doris.

Now, remember, Sophia, the sole judge of this contest is my very best friend.

How can I forget? You keep telling me every five minutes.

Okay, ladies, now, before we discuss the contest rules... Hi.

Hi.

Uh, I'd like for you to take a moment to reflect on what it means to spend a

year of your life as Miss Jefferson Cleaner.

Anyway, the main job for Miss Jefferson Cleaners is to symbolize the work we do.

Clothes come to us dirty and soiled, and when we're done with them, we send them

back fresh and pure as the driven snow.

And that is what I want Miss Jefferson Cleaners to be, as pure as the driven

snow.

Now, that's honesty.

Now, contestants will not be judged on beauty and talent alone.

You will also be judged on an essay, what in by nine, out by five means to

Hang in there. That could be the press.

Hi, Mr. Jefferson. I'm Terry Monroe, Ernestine's daughter.

What? You are Ernestine's daughter? Mm -hmm.

Well, you certainly have her, uh, same number of arms.

So tell me, Terry, What do you do for a living? Model or actress?

No, actually, I go to law school.

Law school?

A girl with that look, she could have been a stewardess.

But that's okay. What's done is done. Come in. Have a seat.

Okay, now.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am the only judge and the jury.

And I ain't taking no bribes or favors.

You see, I happen to be a wealthy, handsome...

Happily married man.

And I've never been happier than at this very moment.

I want you to take this entry form that my happily married wife will give you

into the kitchen to fill out, okay?

Here you are, Dorothy.

Thank you.

Everybody gets one, we... Well, okay.

Into the kitchen, girls.

Sorry, Mr. Bentley.

Contestants only.

That's a wonderful rule, Mrs. J. I'd better go and check for impostors.

Jefferson? Mr.

Whittendale, to what do I owe this honor? Well, I'd just like to say

congratulations on your store's tenth anniversary.

You're doing so well just at the time your lease expires.

Oh, well, thank you. What lease? Your store's, Jefferson.

Happy anniversary.

Your new lease.

Oh, well, thank you. I hope to be here another ten years. I'm sure. Oh, I heard

about your beauty contest.

I think it's a marvelous idea.

Oh, well, thank you very much. But now about this lease. Almost as marvelous an

idea as I had.

Making my niece the winner.

Your niece? Look, I'm sorry, Mr. Wittendell, but I'm running this contest

honestly and on the level.

Jefferson. Anyway, I asked her down here to meet you.

Cherry!

Is this going to take long? I got a friend whose stitches I got to take out.

Mr.

Whitten, though, can I speak to you for a minute in private?

Certainly. Cherry, you stand right here.

And put away that cigar or you'll set off the smoke alarm.

Look, Mr. Whittingdale, with all due respect to you and your niece, would you

say her name was Scary?

Cherry. Well, whatever. But, you see, I've decided to run this contest a

different way. I just wanted Miss Jefferson Kleenex to be a little more,

I mean, not to say anything wrong with Cherry, you understand. I mean, I'm sure

she's a lovely, sweet, charming... Oh, come off it, Jefferson. She's refuse.

Yes, sir, she is.

But the winner, nonetheless.

I don't mean to throw a wrench into things, Jefferson, but Cherry has to win

private, personal reasons.

Oh, because of the psychological effect it might have on her? No, I'm thinking

of my life.

And the creative ways my wife will find to end it if Cherry doesn't win.

Look, Mr. Windmill, I'm sorry, but I've got to run the contest the way I want. I

understand.

That is just exactly the way I run my buildings.

You know, she might make a good Mr. Jefferson. Thank you, Jefferson.

In the meantime, I'll hold on to this.

And you hold on to that.

Oh, Terry.

Tell me, why do you want to be Miss Jefferson Kleenex? What difference does

make? I'm going to win anyway.

Well, you've got poise. I went through.

Look, just one more thing.

For the sake of the contest, you'll be given three minutes to do some kind of a

talent thing. Do you have some talent?

Yeah, I got talent.

Well, can we talk about it? I mean, there might be kids at this show, you

Well, girls, we'll see you next week.

and there will be no favoritism, and everything will be on the up and up.

So, Dorothy, good luck.

And for the rest of you, goodbye.

Sophia, I'm sorry I corrected your entry form, but where it said eyes, they

meant what color, not how many.

Sorry, I forgot to tell you. This is Cherry. She's one of the beauty

contestants. I'm not just the contestant, okay? I'm the winner.

Well, that's a very good attitude.

Because if you don't think you're going to win, then no one will.

I know I'm going to win. My uncle just bought this guy.

George, can I see you for a moment? No.

George. Okay, okay.

Look, while you're gone, I'm just going to be setting up my talent, okay?

Good.

Hey, wait a minute. This talent of yours, does it have any fire in it?

No.

Go ahead.

Yeah?

George, what does she mean that her uncle bought this guy?

I'll explain to you later. Where are you going?

I said I'd explain it to you later, not now.

Spill it, George.

Who is her uncle?

Mr. Whittendale. I should have known.

But, Weasley, he said he was going to tear up my lease if she wasn't the

Lease or no lease, your responsibility is to run this contest fairly.

I'm running it fairly.

The only difference between my contest is I picked the winner first.

Look, she said she had talent.

Ready? See, everybody's got some kind of talent. Look, she's going to be all

right. Look, I promise.

I've seen that done with eight dominoes, but never ten.

Thank you. Thank you, contestant number four. Thank you, contestant

number four. That was very inspirational.

Why, thank you. Say what?

I said thank you. Oh, sorry. I couldn't hear you.

Moving right along to our next contestant, Miss Cherry.

Sherry will show us her... Well, we'll see. Sherry, it's all yours.

I knew that last week.

Now it's time to perform.

Oh. Uh, okay, I need a couple minutes to set up. That should give everybody a

chance to cop a major buzz.

Yes, guys, she's single.

Sherry will be with you in a moment.

Uh, George, now you know my feelings about this.

Now, I want this... contest to be run fairly.

Is there any chance of you surprising me? No.

Charlie. Yes, sir. Would you give me a double, please? Sure, Mr. Jefferson.

Look, Charlie, I need some help with this contest.

Oh, Mr. Jefferson, not to worry. I mean, no matter who you pick, the cleaners

will be well represented.

Unless, of course, you wind up with the locks on stage by mistake.

Hey, is that any way to talk about Miss Jefferson cleaners? What?

Oh, wait a minute. I get it.

I get it. If she's the winner, she must have one hell of a talent, right?

Come

on,

Charlie. You think anybody's going to believe that that's talent? Not the way

water down the drinks here.

What moxie.

Mr. Jefferson, why her?

I'll give you a hint, Charlie. Her last name is Whittendale.

Oh, Whittendale, uh -huh.

Hey, Mr. Jefferson, between you and me, don't you think it's about time you told

Whittendale to stop pushing you around?

I mean, so the guy's got money and power, but it's up to guys like you and

tell him that he's no different than the rest of us. I mean, like he owns this

building, right? Who cares me? I treat him like any other customer.

Bartender, another drink. Yes, sir, Mr.

Whittendale.

Premium scotch, sir, on the rocks.

And, of course, on the house.

And may I say, sir, that's a beautiful tie.

All right, so sue me. I like the guy.

A lot of help you are. I know what I got to do.

Mr. Jay, now, I know you're terribly busy emceeing and judging, but if I

have a word with you, just a word. Yeah, please.

Very good, Terry. All right.

Very good, ladies and gentlemen. Okay, now, moving right along to our final

contestant, Miss Terry Monroe.

Look, Terry, you can go into town now if you want. I mean, that domino act was a

tough act to follow.

No, Mr. Jefferson, I'll sing.

Okay.

Here she is singing.

ladies and gentlemen, I will tabulate the votes and pick the winner. Thank

Terry. Yes, Mr. Jefferson?

Look, Terry, I just want you to know, as far as I'm concerned, you can win any

beauty contest.

Oh, that's very sweet of you. But not this one. You see, I'm in kind of a jam.

I know all about your lease, Mr. Jefferson. Florence explained the

me. She did?

Yeah, and I understand what you have to do.

Oh, well, why did you compete?

Because it's fun, and if people will listen, I love to sing.

But anyway, thanks for the chance, and I sure hope your publicity works out for

you. Well, thanks.

It really was fun.

Oh, good.

Okay.

Now, will the five finalists please come up on stage?

Okay, now.

The judge, that's me, has made the decision.

Okay.

We'll begin with the second runner -up.

Miss Sophia LaRue and Binky.

Now wait, Sophia, Binky.

Best friend, huh?

Twelve dominoes, Sophia.

Twelve dominoes.

And the first runner -up who will perform all duties of Miss Jefferson

should the winner be unable to complete her reign is Miss Dorothy

Taylor.

And now, the moment we've all been waiting for, the

winner

And the new Miss Jefferson Cleaners 1984 is...

Calm down.

I'm sure once Mr. Whittendale thinks about all this for a while, he'll

understand. But he's not going to throw you out.

He tore up my lease and threw it in the airways.

Well, you don't want to rent from a litterbug anyway.

Jefferson. Look, Mr. Whittendale, the reason that... Save it.

I've already taken the liberty of drawing up another new lease.

Beg your pardon?

Ah, you amaze me, Jefferson.

I tried to intimidate you, but you weren't afraid to stand up to me. I

that. Well, Mr. Winder, that's the kind of guy I am. I mean, I ain't afraid to

stand up to you. Quiet! Yes, sir.

Actually, it was my wife who insisted that Cherry win. She and Cherry have

spoiled their entire lives. But you showed them that things don't always go

their way, that some people just can't be bought. I admire that, too. So, if

would just sign these.

Sure.

Well, uh, Mr. Whittendale, I just hope this hasn't caused too much of a problem

within your family.

Oh, no, not at all. In any case, they'll just have to learn that nobody rides

for free in this life.

Not even a Whittendale.

Well, I can understand their disappointment.

Maybe I could invite them for coffee and explain.

Don't bother.

They were so upset over Cherry's having lost, I had to send the two of them on a

Caribbean cruise for a month.

Thank you.

Uh... But then aren't they riding for free after all?

No, they're not.

I added the cost of the cruise to your husband's rent.

Here we go, please. Section 7, clause 3. Welcome back.