Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on up. We're moving on up.

In our last episode, George told some Navy buddies how Tom had recently been

careless with his money.

Maybe Wes and me could teach him a lesson.

Warn him for you. Run a game down on him. But the lesson was George's. His

friends were crooks and the police were no help, so there was only one way to

get Tom's $15 ,000 back.

The same way they got it from us. We're going to have to con them.

We'll just have to track those guys down and pull a con on them that they'll

never forget.

They enlisted George's friend Jimmy to help.

But it became clear they needed more professional help. Luckily, Jimmy had a

cousin who had done this sort of thing before.

Hello?

And now, Mission Incredible, Part 2.

Look, don't sweat it, Willis. Look, we got my man Jimmy and his cousin on a job

for us.

We'll have their money back in no time. Oh, wait a minute. Come here, George.

Listen, we hardly know Jimmy. We don't know his cousin at all.

Let's face it, we don't stand a chance.

Willis, why you always got to look on the dark side of things?

Look, first of all, you're out 15 grand.

Your wife is going to kill you. Ain't that enough?

Well, I'm glad you're enjoying yourself.

May I remind you that this is all your fault? I know that, Willis, but look,

we've got to trust him. What else are we going to do? I'll tell you what I'm

going to do. I'm going to go in there and tell Helen the truth while I'm still

young enough to get another wife.

You can't tell her yet. Why not?

Okay, first of all, what is the truth? Nothing but a lie that really happened.

What? And a lie that really happened is just a lie on top of a lie.

See, now, my way is just one lie.

And you'd be surprised how many times in life that one little extra lie could

make the difference between heaven or Helen.

God, you're sick.

You can't tell him now.

He'll kill me. What am I going to do? You don't seem to understand. This is

serious. I'm ruined. My life as we know it is finished.

Helen, how are you? Oh, Helen, darling.

Catching up on a little reading, are we?

Tom, Louise is giving me so many ideas on how to decorate our new beach house.

Isn't it great to be able to share all this with friends?

Oh, it certainly is. And we share a lot with our friends, don't we, George, old

buddy?

Well, we've just been going over wallpaper designs for the bathroom.

And, Helen, since it is a rustic home, the wagon wheel pattern would be just

perfect. Yeah, I know exactly what you mean, Louise. But since the house is

right on the beach, don't you think that maybe a nautical scene with little

sailboats or something would be much better?

What's that?

Well...

I don't know. Oh, now, wait a minute. I just can't stand to see you two arguing.

Now, if this house is going to ruin your friendship, I think the only fair thing

to do is just call off the whole deal. Let's go upstairs, Helen.

Isn't he darling?

I think he's actually a little nervous, aren't you, Tom?

Somewhat, yes.

Well, don't you worry. You're going to feel much better once we get up to the

Cape. Oh, yes.

I don't know about that, Helen. You know, I mean, think about it. What do

really know about Cape Cod, anyway? First of all, what is a cod? A fish,

And what is a cape?

It's that thing that Dracula used to wear.

And we all know what kind of a guy he was, right?

Now, think about it. Do you really want to live in a place that's named after a

vampire fish?

I know I would.

Oh. Oh, Tom, is anything the matter? The matter?

Who with? Oh, with me!

Why not at all? I never felt better.

15 G's, man. I'm telling you, 15 G's, man. I've never heard such funny stuff

all my life.

Who's Jimmy talking to?

The weather.

What's 15 G's got to do with the weather?

That's the nautical term for 15 ganats, Louise.

Well, come on, Louise.

Let's finish looking at these pamphlets. I really think that we should go... No,

no, no. Wagon wheel. Wagon wheel.

George, I'm in a real bind now. What am I going to do? I don't know. I'd go to

wagon wheels myself.

Don't worry about it, man. We're going to get the money back.

Oh, we're not going to get the money back.

Oh, as big as Los Angeles is, there's no way we're going to find West and

Tyndall. It'd be like asking for a miracle.

I found them.

Thank you.

Well, the details are a little sketchy, but Wes and Tyndall caught flight 1117

out of Kennedy about two and a half hours ago and are due to arrive in Los

Angeles International Airport at approximately 7 or 8 p .m. Pacific

Time. Now, fortunately for us... The two gentlemen reside at a residential hotel

called the Newport, which is located on Oak and Newport near downtown Los

Angeles, room 616. And even more fortunately for us, the room right next

has been vacant for five days. Now, that's $5 ,500, right?

Right.

Because Mrs.

Estelle Parks, the woman who lived there, moved to Santa Fe because of her

asthma. I'm sorry it took so long, fellas, but my cousin has a stop and

his meatloaf.

Your cousin can do all this, plus a whole lot more.

Hey, man, he used to do this all the time before he retired.

And guess what? He's better than me.

By the way, next time, put your wallet in your front pocket.

Wow. Well, this cousin must be great.

Oh, this is wonderful, George. Now we can tell the police. Wait a minute,

Willard. You can't call the police. The women are finer. Remember what that cop

told us? He said there's nothing they can do. Yes, but I... Helen, there you

again, darling.

Jimmy, you're off the phone. I guess Tom told you all about our new beach house.

Well, Miss Willis, the way he's been talking, I probably know more about it

you do.

Come on, Helen. Let's show Tom the furniture. Oh.

Well, Tom, Louise and I found this new living room set. Look.

Well, it's pretty expensive, but what do you think?

Well, how about this, sweetheart?

If I say yes to this furniture, would you promise never, ever to be mad at me

again? Oh, you know you can count on that.

Well, then, buy out the catalog.

But let's never forget this moment.

George, when I think of what they're about to do, I can't help feeling a

jealous. Don't worry, Weeds. You'll get over it.

Tom, I just want to say something right here and now in front of everybody.

Well, that puts you one up on me, sweetheart.

I just want to say that my husband is a saint.

Ever since the day we were first married, whenever I wanted to spend

something frivolous, he'd stop me.

He'd say, Helen, Helen, we have to save. We have to save for something we both

really want.

Oh, Tom.

Tom, remember that day when I lost that $10 bill?

Oh, that was nothing, sweetheart.

Everyone loses a little money.

Oh, but $10 is not a little money, Tom. I know that now.

And you were right for making me squirm.

Are you all right?

Cigarette cough.

Well,

anyway, Tom, you had a dream.

And here it is.

Our dream house.

Oh, well, at least by Monday it'll be ours.

And the happiness that I feel today is because of, you know, I don't know quite

how to put it. It's because of your financial genius.

Thank you, Tom.

It's almost like she knows.

Oh, Tom, Tom, I'm happy too.

And you know what I'm going to do right now? No, what are you going to do now?

I am going to make that house a home that you can be proud of, no matter how

much it costs.

Well,

come on, Louise.

Let's go upstairs so I can order that furniture right now.

They're quite a couple, aren't they? For now.

Will you quit crying, Willis? Me and Jimmy don't have a beach house and we're

taking it like men.

Oh, you... Come on.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, please. We've only got till

and time's a waste. Oh, that's right, but what are we going to do?

See, the way I figure it now, the first move that we should make is...

the crooks are in Los Angeles. And by tonight, we'll be there with them. What?

Los Angeles?

We're going to Los Angeles? Well, that's where your money is, isn't it? Come on,

Willard. I want Tyndall and that coward West every bit as much as you do.

Hold on a minute. You say West is a coward?

Yeah. You see, that stuff's good to know. My cousin can use that kind of

when he gets to playing together.

Well, all right, George. We'll go.

But I want you to understand one thing. Since this whole thing is your fault,

you're going to pay for everything.

Everything we need to pull this off, including the airline tickets.

That could cost a fortune.

So will traction.

Okay.

He's out one life savings. He starts treating his best friend like dirt.

Okay, now, Mr. Jefferson, as soon as you get the tickets, give me a call so I

can let my cousin know when to expect us. He'll already be at West Nintendo's

hotel getting things together, you know, setting things up. In other words,

spending my money, right?

Oh, wait a minute, George. I have some cost saving for you.

Now, let's see. Now, Jimmy will need one round -trip ticket, but you and I will

only need one -way tickets.

Why one -way for us?

Well, it makes sense. If the plan fails, I'll have no reason to come back, and

you'll be dead.

Come on, come on.

And get moving, right? Now, I'll wait for your call, then I will meet you at

airport, okay? Now, Tom, dig this, man. As soon as we get your money together, I

got a sure way that you can double it. Man, have you ever heard of uranium?

Uranium? Yeah, uranium.

Oh, well, it sounds good.

Can I come in now?

Hey, Flora.

Look, Flora, I just wanted to apologize to you for about the way I acted before,

you know, but sometimes top executives like ourselves get a little

overprotective about our work, you understand?

Of course, I'm sure this is all over your head.

Oh, no, I understand.

Oh, good.

I also understand that if you and Jimmy don't get Mr. Willis' money back from

Weston Tindall in Los Angeles by Monday...

that the only way you're going to stay a top executive is if they bury you on

top of a bottom one.

Will you quit worrying, Willis? So Florence knows, I'm telling you, I made

promise to keep it a secret.

And deep down, Florence is probably one of the most faithful, trustworthy, and

dependable people I know.

So how much is it costing you?

$250.

confident his plan's gonna work. Who knows? We could be back home way before

Monday. Well, I just hope it's a cheap plan.

We ain't even got to Los Angeles yet, and already our MasterCard's man of the

year.

I have already told him to keep his expenses down to the bare necessities,

if we can do it, he can do it. Thanks, Jimmy. No problem. Say, stewardess, may

have another ounce of caviar, please?

you're a genius. He's a genius. The guy can do anything.

Hey,

does anybody know how to hang a shower rod?

Uh -oh.

Hey, Cubs. Hey, how are you? How you doing? Hey, look here. This is Tom

the guy you are helping. Mr. Willis. And this is George Jefferson, the guy

you're breaking.

Hey, Cubs, how's things going?

Well, as you can see, everything is fine.

Like I told you, West and Tyndall in the room next door.

Now, they happened to leave a few minutes ago, so I had a chance to go in

and find a little bug, intercept their phone calls, and rewire their television

set so I can short it out right here.

You see, I told you he was great ever since we were kids. He was great. Hey,

man, tell them about the junior high school science fair. No, no, man,

look. Ten years old, and the boy blacks out the entire tri -state area. for

seven minutes.

Well, what did you get for that?

Expelled.

Hey, don't let anybody tell you different. Con Edison has absolutely no

humor. And neither do I. And I ain't got the money to prepare for no hotel room

that this guy chooses to decorate like some launch pad.

And how do I know he can even do anything?

Well, Mr. Jefferson, I guess you'll just have to trust me.

After all, I've done this kind of thing before.

Well, how am I supposed to know that? How do I know you ain't just some

Because I already own a beach house.

Well, look, we know where West and Tyndall are. Why don't we just go next

beat the hell out of them, take our money back, and beat the hell out of

some more?

The money isn't there.

They put it in the bank.

How do you know?

I heard them say that over the speaker when they got back.

The, uh, cheap speaker that showed it out before I could find out which bank

they put it in. Oh, no.

Well, that's that, I guess.

Because if the money's in the bank and tonight is Thursday night, that leaves

only one full working day before the deadline.

Now, now, now, gentlemen, all is not lost. I've known my cousin for a whole

of years and he always has a plan.

You do have a plan, don't you, cousin?

Yes, I do. And don't call me cuz.

Well, are you going to tell us the plan or do we have to pay extra for that?

Mr. Jefferson, have you ever heard of the term Armageddon?

Yeah.

Well... The end of the world.

Right. So, go on.

Well, you see, the plan is very simple. What we do is we convince West and

Tyndall that it's coming sooner than it really is.

Cousin, can I speak to you for a minute, please?

I have told you before, don't call me cousin. Every time you call me cousin,

want something. I call you cousin because our mothers are sisters. Now,

what is all of this Armageddon stuff, man? I told you I got five big ones on

line here. My old lady needs a new pair of shoes.

The rent is due.

Corn Ellison's going to turn off my lights, and you know they ain't got no

of humor.

Trust me. Trust me? You know how many babies been born on account of trust me?

Mm -hmm.

One more than should have been.

Okay. Me and Will have been talking, and we decided that A, I should kill you.

B, we should go home.

C, I should kill you, and then we should go home.

Or D.

We should hear you out, then kill you and go home.

Now, I don't need this, man.

Now, my mother called me this morning and asked me to help you. Now, I tell

this is the last time. Do you understand what I'm saying? Do you understand me?

You're right in the head, man. Y 'all got a problem with my cousin's plan or

something?

What end of the world?

Why should that be a problem to me?

I mean, what could it cost me? Maybe three or four billion dollars for the

wave?

A trillion or two to sink the continent?

In fact, why, yeah, why don't you just take out a dollar and buy yourself a

Coke?

Mr. Jefferson, what you fail to realize is the basic principle of

every crime is simple.

Illusion. You make the victim believe what you want him to believe.

Hey, because that's deep.

And you can do that.

Of course I can.

I've blown up the world lots of times. Mr. Jefferson, have a little faith.

Now, come on, cut.

Tell us what we do first, then.

All right.

Now, when I flick this switch, it'll scramble the TV in their room.

Now, they will call downstairs to the manager's desk, but the phone will ring

here.

I'll let you know the rest when you get back.

Back? Back from where?

Hollywood.

There's a friend of mine who owns a prop house there, and we need a few things.

Now, Mr. Willis and Mr. Jefferson can do that alone.

What about me? Where do I get to go?

El Segundo.

Beautiful, and me without a camera.

Jimmy, you know I can't trust you in Hollywood. You know that.

The last time he went to Hollywood, he got busted for trying to sell the

tourists their own little stars for the Walk of Fame.

I mean, he did.

In fact, he went so far as to have small yellow bills of sale drawn up in

everything. He did all of that, didn't you, Chick?

It's a disease, man. I need help.

All right, gentlemen, is everybody set?

Yeah, I'm ready.

Let's go for it.

I've always wanted to say that.

All right, now listen.

They're watching television.

No, really, I would have made one heck of a football player.

That's West.

Hey, we keep on doing what we're doing, and you can own your own team.

And that's tender.

And there's the pass, and it's intercepted. Frankly, folks, I could

a better pass myself.

Is he in on this, too?

Hey, Tyndall, you think there's any chance we're going to get busted, man?

By who? The cops can't touch us.

Certainly not by that bozo we ripped off.

Why, those arrogant two -faced... Well, it was pretty stupid, Willis. Yeah, but

what about Jefferson?

He's an even bigger bozo.

Well, gentlemen, as they say back on Broadway, it's showtime.

Hey, what happened?

I don't know.

The TV just went dead. Oh, come on. I wanted to see that game.

They should be calling over here any minute.

You sure?

Reasonably.

Hello, manager's desk.

No, I'm sorry you got called away.

Is there something I can do for you?

I see.

The TV's set in room 616.

Fine, I'll send somebody right up.

You got it.

See, I told you he was great.

All right, gentlemen, now the directions to the prop house and the list are

right over here next to the keys to my van. Now, I suggest that you hurry,

because it's going to be a long night.

Well, how much does the van cost?

Necessities, Mr. Jefferson, necessities.

Oh, this is our list. One desk, paint.

Brushes, three -stage, but I told you, necessities.

One light, preferably airy, chardonnay.

I'm having fish for dinner.

Come on, George, you've got to admit, he got you there.

Okay, everybody, let's go.

Say, by the way, I've never been to El Segundo. Do you know if they have their

own walk of fame?

Now, wait a minute, George. Are you sure that Florence can be trusted to keep

her mouth shut about all of this? Look, Willis, I've known the woman for ten

years. For the right amount of money, wild horses couldn't drag a word out of

her. And then when this cousin of Jimmy's told them they had to go to Los

to get the money.

Well, child, they flew out of here this afternoon like bats out of hell.

But $15 ,000?

Now, Helen, this is no time to fall apart.

We have to be calm.

Stay composed.

Then ring their necks.

$15 ,000!

Now, wait a minute, y 'all. I promise not to tell.

Now, even when I found this piece of paper that said exactly where they was

going, I wasn't going to tell y 'all.

But there was two things that just kept nagging my conscience.

Now, Helen.

Tom and George could really get hurt out there. That was number one.

So what are we going to do, Louise?

Well, what else can we do? We are flying to Los Angeles. Come on. And that was

number two.

Hmm.