Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on up, we're moving on up to the...

Okay, Miss Jefferson, true or false?

Nautical miles are longer than conventional miles.

False. No, true.

Okay, now this one is easy.

Sonar was invented in 1940 by Laurel and Hardy during the filming of

Saps at Sea.

True. Oh, false.

Miss Jefferson, I thought you told me you memorized all these questions.

I did. It's the answers I didn't memorize.

Mr. Jefferson, how are you going to be the hit of Mr. Jefferson's Navy reunion

if you don't know nothing about the Navy?

Florence, for the last time, I don't want to be the hit of George's Navy

tonight. And besides, I know what the Navy's about.

It's a place where young boys train to be young men.

so that they can get together years later and act like young boys all over

again.

Mr. Jefferson, now I'm sure Mr. Jefferson has grown up by now.

Come on, Weas.

Or grown out.

Hurry up, Weasley. The guys will be here any minute to take us to the hotel. You

gotta get dressed.

I'm already dressed.

What happened to the outfit I picked out for you?

You mean this?

Yes.

Gee, I don't know.

I thought I'd save this until someone asked me to do a Popeye impression.

Please, this is a Navy reunion, not a junior prom.

You see what I look like?

Lars, is anything wrong with the way I'm dressed?

Now, Mr. Jefferson, you know.

that you and I have different teeth.

I have mine, and you have none.

Well, George, you have to admit, this shirt is a little small.

Ain't nothing wrong with it.

You know how fabric is.

If you don't wear it for a while, it tightens up.

It just needs time to grow, that's all.

Hi,

George. Hey. Hi, Louise.

Aw, George, what happened to your uniform?

Doesn't anybody around here know anything about fabric? What do you want?

actually, Helen sent me down here to pick up the pantlets she lent you about

house on Cape Cod. Okay, Tom, I'll go get them. Thank you. Oh, Louise, aren't

you forgetting something?

Oh, right.

She just put it there so she'd know where it is.

So you're going to spring for that house in Cape Cod, huh?

Oh, now, wait a minute, George. The house hasn't come through yet.

But let me show you the ring that I bought for Helen today.

Well, uh, if boring me makes you happy.

Not bad, huh?

What is it?

It's called a cat's eye opal, and it's found only in Bolivia. And it's so

there that it has to be smuggled out between the toes of llamas.

I don't have to tell you how sensitive the area between a llama's toes can get.

That's right, especially with that heat.

I'll thank you. Well, normally these babies go anywhere from a hundred bucks

up. But this man I met on 8th Avenue, he was liquidating his entire inventory.

And he let me have this one for, you won't believe it, $25.

It's a marble, Willis. George, you should have seen his trunk. It was

with them. It's a marble.

A marble?

Yeah! A guy cut a marble in half, and he glued it on this old cheap band.

See? This scam's been in the newspapers all week.

A marble?

Why, if this is true, then that means I've been... You've been stung, you've

been ripped off, you've been beaten, whatever you want to call it.

I've been taken to the cleaners.

Now I wouldn't call it that.

What is wrong with you?

You never used to be this big a thugger before.

Oh, well, I guess I just had a temporary lapse of judgment.

In other words, it was just dumb.

Well, all right, I'll give you that, George. But at least give me some

too. For what?

You should have enough sense not to buy nothing from somebody over the street.

Oh, come on, now. You act as if I did that all the time. If it happened once,

could happen again. Well, I wasn't thinking clearly. I was worried about

house in Cape Cod, and I had a lot on my mind. Okay, okay, I'm through with it.

Well, thank you.

Oh, listen, George, since we're on the subject of rings, would you mind

appraising these other three?

I'm telling you, Old Wes was the biggest coward in the whole Navy. Oh, come on,

George. I'm telling you, he was so scared, when he found out they sent only

black guys to the galley, he swore under oath that he was a mulatto.

He even told them he sang with the ink spots, right? Oh, that's a lie. No, no,

no.

We're some Mills brothers.

See, he did that to keep him going through the front line with you. I'm

you, he was the scariest guy in the whole Navy.

Hey, hey, listen, speaking of the Navy, now ain't it about time we headed down

to the hotel? Hey, hey, let's keep going.

Hey, hey, hey.

No, no, we're just going to the hotel now. Come on. Oh, great. Let's get it

with. Oh, I mean, let's go.

I'll get my coat.

Don't slam the closet door too loud.

Old West might surrender to the Koreans.

George, what is this?

Oh, that?

Man, you want to hear a great story?

This friend of mine got ripped off over that ring because he thought it was the

real Opal or something.

It's a marble.

Yeah, I know.

But could you imagine a grown man falling for a gag like that?

I don't know, Jefferson. It happens all the time.

I know, but I didn't think it would happen to this guy. I mean, he's kind of

smart, you know. But, of course, he told me that he was under some kind of

stress. Why?

Well, he's trying to buy some real estate up in Cape Cod.

Well, he'll get over it. I mean, he's eating wax fruit and pulled through.

Well, if I were you, I'd make sure to warn him. You know what kind of people

out there these days. It ain't my problem.

Oh, sure, it's nobody's problem now, but you might want to cut it off before it

becomes a problem. What are you getting at, Tyndall?

Nothing much.

But I had a friend a couple of years ago get ripped off, and I had a chance to

warn him, too. And I didn't. I felt real bad about it afterwards.

Willis is my best friend, too.

Look,

you guys ain't gonna spread this around, are you? What, about the ring?

No, that he's my best friend.

Don't sweat it, George.

Hey, I got an idea.

Since he is your best friend, maybe Wes and me could teach him a lesson.

Warn him for you. Run a game down on him.

Run a game on Willis? Yeah, for his own good.

All right, wait a minute. We could run something like...

The pigeon drop.

A pigeon drop?

You know, a pigeon drop?

The old pigeon drop? Yeah.

What is it?

I meet up with him someplace.

I strike up a conversation.

And while he's not looking, I drop an envelope filled with cut -up newspaper,

which I pretend is a lot of money I just found.

Well, I'm real nervous about it.

But I say to him, now, if we can just find some way to keep this bread, I'd be

more than willing to split it with him. Yeah, that's when I show up like a total

stranger. And Tyndall will ask me what I think he should do.

I tell him, well, I'll call a lawyer friend of mine. So I go into a phone

and piddle around for two minutes and come back.

And I say, legally, the money has to be documented.

and put in a safe deposit box for 30 days. After that, I tell your friend,

money can be split up any way he wants.

What kind of scam is that?

Oh, hey, the scam comes in when Wes's lawyer also says that we all have to

up with equal shares of good faith money.

Well, that's to show that we all have enough money to live on and nobody's

to take anything out of the bank before the 30 days are up. But, see, me and

Tyndall will just pretend to come up with our good faith money.

But your friend will come up with a real thing. And we'll put it in one

envelope. And then, when he's not looking, we'll switch the envelopes.

with a dummy envelope.

And send him off to the phony lawyer with it.

And then bring the real envelope with the money in it back to you. Right.

And while you're rubbing his face at it, me and Wes will be on our way to Los

Angeles.

That's it?

Man, Willis will smell that kind of game a mile away.

Ten bucks says he won't. Ten bucks says he will.

I'll hold the money.

Who'd ever fall for that good faith money stuff?

Same person who'd buy half a marble.

Besides, if he doesn't go for it, you know he's not so easy and you don't have

to worry about him, right? Look, I'm telling you, I've known Willis for ten

years. There's no way he's going to go for this pitch and drop stuff, man.

No way. Not a chance. Not a chance in a million years.

So, after I picked up my good faith money, the man gave me the address of

lawyer and trusted me to carry this over there.

So that's where you're on your way now, to take the good faith money over to the

lawyer. Exactly.

And that way the lawyer can see it and know that none of us are going to bother

the found money. You amaze me, Willis. This is absolutely, without a shadow of

doubt, the stupidest thing you have ever done in your whole stupid life.

You think I should have gone straight to the lawyers, didn't you? I'm not

talking about the lawyers.

There ain't no lawyers.

No lawyers, but they said that... Look, forget what they said. Just open the

envelope and look inside.

What? Open it. You can seal it back when you finish it. Open it and see what's

inside. All right, I'll be glad to. I know what's inside. My money is in here.

Wait a minute, it's not in here.

There's nothing but newspaper here. There's been some mistake.

No, there wasn't.

They gave you the wrong envelope on purpose.

You want to know why?

Well, yes, wouldn't you, if you were in my situation?

Because I got the real envelope.

Those two guys you met were friends of mine. The whole thing was a scam.

Oh, my God. Look, Willis, I'm sorry. I mean, I didn't think you'd fall for

something like this.

I just did it because you're my best friend.

Look, if this has taught you to be more careful with your money, I'd be glad to

do it all over again, okay?

I'll get your money.

Oh, uh, George.

Yeah. Uh, you're not going to tell anybody else about this, are you? Are

kidding? I don't want everybody to know that I have an idiot for a friend.

Well, thanks, George.

Because if I'd lost that money, Helen would have killed me.

Friends? Uh, friends.

Here, be more careful next time, okay? Oh.

You see, Willis, I grew up in the street.

So maybe it's easier for me. I can spot a con, see?

And you know how?

I watch people.

If you watch people carefully enough, a con will stick up just like a sore

thumb.

It all boils down to knowing who to trust and who not to trust. That's all.

You know all about it, don't you? That's right.

Then why is this envelope full of newspaper, too?

You see, down at Bunko, one of the biggest problems we face in something

the pigeon drop is the reluctance of the victim to even report the crime.

I guess they think we just stand around the squad room and make fun of what

happened. But con games are no laughing matter to us.

I just wanted to explain that so you can rest assured that we take these things

every bit as personally and as seriously as you do.

Well, thanks a lot, officer. No, no problem.

Now, just what is your relationship with the fish here?

Best friend.

Huh. Well, I'll just put down something general.

Any objections to know the guy?

Listen, officer, we've already told you everything we know about the two crooks.

You don't seem to understand. I need to have that money back.

Mr. Willard, any time something like this goes down, we're automatically

major complications here.

You see, I know you know the two guys.

You know you know the two guys.

But the judge don't know, you know, the two guys.

But they've got my money.

I know it's your money.

You know it's your money.

But the judge don't know it's your money.

You see what I'm trying to get at? Yes, you've got a dumb judge.

Wait a second.

You mean to tell me that even if they catch West and Tyndall, there's no

guarantee that Willis can get his money back?

You a Mets fan?

Yeah. Then you can take this appointment.

I doubt it very seriously.

But we'll do what we can.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Hey, once in a while, these con guys slip up, you know?

Oh? As a matter of fact, I busted a guy last night trying to sell me a half a

marble glued to some ring.

You wouldn't believe what some people fall for.

another adventure home, old buddy.

Well, let's see what's good on the tube.

George, do you know what Helen is going to do to me when she finds out about

this? Don't worry about it, Willis. There's a bright side to everything.

Oh, and tell me, what is the bright side to this?

Okay, you're broke now, so if she sues you for alimony, you get off scot -free.

How can you sit there making jokes?

None of this would have happened if you just minded your own business.

All right, all right.

She'll never have to know. Well, how do you propose to keep it a secret?

Simple.

I'll just write you a check for the money you lost.

Okay?

All right.

How much is it?

Fifteen.

Fifteen hundred dollars. Well, how could you be so stupid?

Oh, never mind, never mind. It's my fault, my fault.

Oh, uh, uh, wait a minute, George. It wasn't fifteen hundred. It was fifteen

thousand.

George, you stop writing.

you'd trust a total stranger with $15 ,000.

Oh, well, now that the money's gone, I might as well tell you the whole story.

You'll only read it in my obituary tomorrow anyway.

You see, that money was the money that Helen and I had been saving for the

house. Oh, so there goes the beach house.

Yeah, well, actually, we'd been saving for it for six years, but, well, the

development was delayed. We were put on a waiting list, and then suddenly last

month, a real estate man called me and told me the house was now available.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Oh, and neither does Helen, and I didn't tell her either, because, well, you

see, over the last couple of years, I've been drawing a little money out of the

account. Uh -huh. Oh, well, now, wait a minute. Not much, you know, $20 here,

$50 there, but I never paid it back.

So when the house became available, I suddenly found myself very short. And

that's why this found money seemed like such a good deal to me.

So how long do you have before you have to make the down payment?

60 days.

With the new money, I figured that would give me plenty of time. And that way,

Helen would never find out anything about it. Then we're going to have to

the money back ourselves, Willis. But how?

The same way they got it from us. We're going to have to con them.

We'll just have to track those guys down and pull a con on them that they'll

never forget.

Oh, I don't know.

Will you come on, man? We've got to fight fire with fire.

They conned us, right? We conned them. They were determined, we're determined.

They knew what they wanted, we know what we want. They were smart, so am I.

Well, that's very intriguing, George, but you forgot one thing.

What's that? We don't know anything about con games, except, of course, the

pigeon drop.

Why ain't nobody dumb enough to fall for that?

I know a guy. I still got his phone number, too.

And this guy knows every con there ever was, you know?

In fact, he's so good, he got me once. So you know he must be pretty good,

right?

Well, what makes you think he'd be willing to help us? Well, he owes me, he

knows me, and most of all, he respects me.

George, George, he's been doing this for several minutes now.

Do you think we ought to call someone?

Come on, Jimmy.

I'm sorry, man.

But just the thought of you two falling for something as lame as the old pigeon

drop.

But I guess it could happen to anybody.

Oh, really? I don't believe it. He fell for that one, too?

Look, Jimmy.

Now, you owe me a favor.

Remember, I loaned you that $10 ,000 that time for school, didn't I? Hey,

not fair. Man, I ripped you off for that.

Listen, Jimmy, anything you could do, I'd really appreciate. You see, if my

finds out about that... Hey, man, relax.

How is your wife going to find out? She doesn't even know that the house came

through yet.

Plus, you got a 60 -day extension on your down payment date.

Hell, man, I can sell the Surgeon General a carton of cigarettes in 60

Hey, that's right.

Oh, this is wonderful. We don't have to worry about Helen.

Oh, Tom, the house on Cape Cod just came through.

Isn't that wonderful, George?

Yes, well... All right, Jimmy, what are you doing here?

Uh, I'm back in college working on another degree.

And, uh, I was having a few problems, so I figured I'd get some help from Dad

and Uncle Tom.

Yes, that's right.

Really? What are you studying now?

Biology.

Of course, of course. It's math and biology.

It's the science of counting animals.

Anyway, I am so excited about the house, and I wouldn't have known a thing if it

wasn't for Louise.

She suggested that I stop sitting around and to call the broker, so I did.

And guess what?

The house came through.

Yes.

Oh, so this is all you're doing, Louise?

Well, I know I shouldn't take all the credit.

Oh, what the heck. There's just no way around it.

Oh, but I haven't told you the best part.

Oh, you mean there's more.

Mm -hmm.

I told the real estate agent that we would bring him the down payment on

Monday.

Oh, Tom.

I'm so sorry, but he couldn't do it any sooner.

Are you upset, Puddin'? Nah.

Oh, come on, Helen. I still got magazines from when we redecorated.

to get some ideas.

Okay.

Just think that in no time at all, we'll be hearing the gentle sounds of the

Atlantic lapping at our doorsteps while the seagulls perch on a brand new

mailbox that reads, Property of Tom and Helen Willis. Oh, honey, isn't that

wonderful? Fabulous!

The only perched bird

I see is a buzzard.

Sitting on a tombstone that reads, here lies Tom Willis.

Oh, but there's a P .S. that says, see the back of this marker for directions

the gravesite of George Jefferson.

Oh,

relax. Come on. Look, you gotta help my man here.

But Monday is five days away. I can't work that fast. Oh, no. Come on, come

look. My man needs his money. He needs it now.

Look, blow your nose, Willis.

Relax, relax, relax.

Come on, look, you gotta help us run a con game on West Nintendo.

You gotta think of something.

Yeah, but Mr. Jefferson, the truth is I don't know that much about con games.

What?

The pigeon drop, sure.

The Spanish prisoner, of course.

The Baltimore bounce, the magic wallet, and the Kansas City loop, yeah.

But if you want to run a real game, you ought to get yourself an expert.

And I can't think of a single person, Mr. Jefferson, who fits that

There's 500 bucks in it for you.

I just thought of somebody.

Figures. No, no, man, really. See, up until the time that you just said five,

had forgotten all about it. Oh.

But then it dawned on me that his phone number starts with a five, right?

And from there, the rest is easy.

You did say five, didn't you? Yes, I did. Yeah, that's him, all right.

May I use your phone? Be my guest.

Oh.

Hey.

You say that this Western tenderly headed back to Los Angeles, right?

Perfect. Because my man lived in L .A., and if anyone can find him, wherever

they are, he can.

Who is he?

My cousin.

Oh, your cousin.

What happened? You couldn't find your Aunt Effie?

No, man, really. Hey, he's heavy duty.

Oh, sure he is Has he had any experience in this field at all?

Oh, you might say that