Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on up, we're moving on up to the...

one of my favorite game shows, Fighting Families.

And one of the contestants, Grandma Zimmerman, is about to make TV history.

I'm thrilled.

This is serious, Miss Jefferson.

I mean, if Grandma Zimmerman's family gets to win today, she gets to play

box.

And every time she wins, her false teeth fall out.

Lawrence, I don't understand why you bother to watch that show.

It's brainless and it's ridiculous.

And it's not nearly as good as the nighttime version.

Okay, Grandma.

Name a day of the week.

Um, um... Henry.

Henry? Well, you said I could name one.

We'll be right back after this word from our sponsor.

Somebody grab her false teeth.

Put these ledgers over here, sir. Just put them anywhere. I don't care.

Things gave me a headache.

I've only had one headache this bad in my life. And there she is.

Florence, get me some aspirin, please.

Miss Jefferson, bring some aspirin back with you.

Florence, this headache is killing me.

Don't rush.

Sit down, sir. And let the nimble hands of Ralph Hart work their magic.

Wow, you got strong hands, Ralph. You're good at this.

Yes, sir, I like to exercise them. It keeps them in shape.

Yeah, for this.

Exactly, sir.

Here you are, Florence.

No, me, please.

Why don't you open the bottle for me, please?

Okay, George.

Thanks. Now, let's see.

Align arrow, press down, twist clockwise, and slide.

Oh, no luck. Now, let's see.

Align arrow, push down, and twist.

What's somebody call an undertaker? Because by the time she gets this bottle

open, I'm going to be dead.

George, don't be impatient.

These caps are good.

Children can't open them.

Neither can I.

Can I get you an ice bag instead?

Hey, wait.

I happen to have some aspirin with me for an emergency.

They're two for a dollar.

Ralph, I happen to be in pain. Why do you want to charge me such a ridiculous

price? I'm sorry, sir. For you, buck apiece.

Better.

Here, here.

Thank you, sir. Anything else? No, get out.

Absolutely, sir.

Oh, and I'll just throw these out for you.

George, is there anything else I can get for you? No, thanks, Reese. I'm fine.

I think I'll just sit here and lay back and watch some TV.

Florence, why don't you flip on Midget Wrestling?

You want to see Midget Wrestling?

Yes, I do.

Then why don't you stand in front of a mirror and watch yourself take off a

turtleneck sweater?

This is Florence's day off. She wants to watch Fighting Families. Why don't you

watch it on home TV?

Because it's broke.

Okay, Florence, let's compromise.

I'll watch midget wrestling. You get out of here.

I think this explains why you're a dry cleaner and not in the U .N.

Now, how do you expect Florence to get along without a TV set? It's very easy.

Buy a TV guide and use your imagination.

Florence, maybe your set just needs some fine -tuning. I think I'll be able to

fix it. You can't even open a bottle of aspirin?

True. But who ever heard of childproof TV?

Mr. Jefferson, if you have any conscience, any heart, and any hope of

getting into heaven, you'll get me another TV.

Not a chance, Florence.

My good deeds will get me where I'm going.

Well, in that case, forget the TV and get yourself an air conditioner.

You got money in the bank? Why don't you go buy a TV?

I'm saving that for my old age.

Oh, well, since you're going to be drawing it all out tomorrow anyway, just

some of it to buy a TV.

Florence, I'm working on the set.

Now tell me, are the Zimmermans jumping rope?

Nope.

Then it must be the vertical hole.

But I'm making progress.

Give me another thing.

Look at that. The referee's holding somebody's tooth in his hand. I don't

know whose it is.

Mr. Jefferson, I work hard.

And I do a good job. I deserve another TV.

Oh, you work hard, huh?

Let me see you do that.

Do I get another TV? No. Then let me see you do that.

That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about.

That's right.

Ta -da! Hello there, Mr. Jefferson.

Hello. Hi.

What's going on?

Well, we came down to show Mrs. Jefferson this new outfit I designed.

Doesn't she look lovely? Oh, my head.

Well, I think that's a compliment.

So where's Mrs. Jefferson?

Everything is perfect, except I'm getting green skin now.

Do we come at a bad time?

No. As a matter of fact, you came just in time to settle an argument.

Don't you think Mr. Jefferson should get me another TV?

Well, I, uh... We've got to run. Agree with me first, then run.

I'm getting a mustache now!

I think we really ought to go.

No!

until you answer my question.

Now, what do you think, Jenny?

I'm really getting closer.

Now I can tell men from women.

Are you sure Mrs. Jefferson is okay? Yes. She's trying to fix Florence's TV

Oh,

Florence,

I've been thinking.

you'd better take up reading as a hobby.

Shoot. There goes Grandma Zimmerman. Grandma Zimmerman? Are you watching

Fighting Families?

Yeah. Well, then you can watch it at our place.

Willis, you mean to tell me you watch that stupid program, too?

Watch it. I've got the home version upstairs.

Come on, everybody.

Good. Go ahead, everybody.

Bye. Bye.

Good. Bye.

Oh,

Mr. Jefferson. Yeah?

I'm going to ask you one more time.

Will you get me another TV? See, Frosty, you go, give me, give me, give me.

Don't you ever listen to yourself?

Let me tell you something.

Have you ever once walked up to me like one human being to another and said, Mr.

Jefferson, please?

You're right, Mr. Jefferson. I'm sorry.

Mr. Jefferson, would you please get me another TV?

No!

Okay. I tried.

Just remember this.

One day, you're going to be standing at the pearly gates. And when you wonder

why you can't get in, just look to the cloud on your right. Why is that?

that's where I'll be sitting with the key.

The closest you're ever going to get to heaven is if we move upstairs.

Now I can watch what I want to watch.

Crazy.

Go get them grandmas, gentlemen.

I'm afraid I can't go away, sir.

It's my duty to take you on a journey.

What are you talking about? Sir, you have removed your last spot, starched

last collar, and pressed your last pleat.

You mean to tell me I'm... As a doornail, sir.

Oh, really?

Okay, well, if I'm dead and you're an angel, then I guess you won't be needing

this, right?

That's right, sir.

Oh, my God, I am dead.

I'm really dead.

But I got too much to live for.

That's the trouble with death, sir.

It often screws up the rest of your life.

Well, sir, what do you think?

Well, I'll be damned.

I mean, this is heaven, huh?

Not quite, sir.

You mean this is hell?

Not exactly.

Well, if it's not heaven or not hell, where is it? Same place as Tijuana.

Where is that?

Right on the border.

Look, Ralph, now you're an angel, and all the money I gave you, you mean it's

something you can't get me into heaven?

Sir, if it were up to me, you'd be at the haunch of the head honcho himself.

But it's not my fault that you're a borderline case.

Therefore, I'm afraid to get to heaven, you're going to have to play a game.

I've got to play a game?

He's ready to play the game. What game?

Ralph, will you wait a minute?

I don't know nobody up here.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to play The Wheel of Forever.

And here's the star of our show, the big wheel himself.

Tom Willis!

Oh, how you doing there tonight, Tommy? Just heavenly, Tom.

By the way, Tom's wardrobe furnished by Deuteronomy 500.

And an extra special heavenly greeting to you, ma, and you.

Not quite.

Ralph!

Ralph! It's George Jefferson.

I'm all done up here.

Take me back.

George, you're not being a good contestant. Oh, go to hell, Willis.

I mean, Tom, old buddy.

Come here a second.

Let's check.

You got time?

I have an eternity.

But, George, you're going to love it up here. The rents are extremely

reasonable. They allow pets, and best of all, The women, oh,

they're all gourmet cooks.

Willis, dead or alive, you're an idiot.

But, George, I haven't told you the best news yet.

If you win the game, we can be neighbors again.

Get me out of here. I want to go home.

Look, Willis, you obviously have a little pull around here, right?

the Chubby Cherub Club.

Congratulations. Listen, if you get me into heaven, I'll give you 50 bucks.

No can do.

How about free cleaning?

No can do.

How about a meatball sandwich?

Well, I... No, no, I'm sorry, George.

Oh, come on, we're friends. You can do something for me. Well, I can give you

some advice.

When you're playing the game, act happy and excited.

They like that.

And if I don't? Buy asbestos underwear.

Well, I've got to go to work.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce a little gal with a wink in

her walk and a style in her smile, who, by the way, made her own outfit. I give

you our very...

first contestant.

Indeed I do, Tom. Today's guest is up from New York City.

This little guy was a dry cleaner before he croaked.

His favorite hobbies were making money and insulting people.

And now, playing for the way he will spend eternity, George Jefferson.

Come on down.

Good to see you.

Now, tell us a little about yourself.

Well, I was born a son of a sharecropper.

I mean,

I was born in a hospital in Harlem.

Oh, hey, that's really fascinating.

Let's hear it for George.

And now it's time to play our game.

And to help explain the rules, the...

Jenny, that's enough.

Thank you, dear.

Now, our wheel is divided into categories.

You will be asked three questions.

What if I miss one?

Oh, tell him, Johnny.

Sure thing, Tom. Well, George, it'll be the stinking pit for you.

You'll go straight to hell.

And once there, you'll be staying at the exotic Hotel Hades, where it's always

flea and tick season.

And now back to you, Tom. Oh, thank you, Johnny.

Hey, George, you look a little shaky.

But remember, you can win. If you answer all three questions correctly, you will

win this key to the pearly gates. Tell him, Johnny.

Hallelujah.

Just think of it, George. or Jewel Baskin benevolent bliss as you're

by the Vienna Boys Choir. That is, until the temptations join us.

It's the perfect setting for a romantic reunion with your wife of a lifetime,

Louie!

Get your time, dear.

Why don't I play this game? I've got to get to heaven.

All righty.

Lovely, Jenny.

Give it a spin.

No, the wheel, dear. The wheel.

Did you love your wife?

Oh, I can answer that. I can answer that.

Well, just a minute. We paid for the theme music and we're going to use it.

The question

is, did you love your wife?

Yes. And the answer is...

You work out with weights.

Ooh.

I'm in the wheel.

Hey, is this little guy...

The question is, did you love your family?

Oh, time's up. Did you love your family? Yes.

And the answer is correct.

Don't worry, Weez, I'm on my way.

You mean that all the guys on the team really want to meet me?

Are you ready?

Oh, I don't know.

I've never popped out of a cake before.

Spin the wheel.

All right, lovely Jenny. Spin the wheel.

Answer the question.

Oh, George, if I were you, I really wouldn't do that.

Why, how bad can hell be?

Uh, lovely Jenny.

I'll play.

I mean, I've been good to Florence. I sent her to Hawaii.

I loaned her money. I even put her in my will. What am I worried about?

Answer me the question.

All righty.

The question is,

Answer the question.

to see the boss.

Oh, you mean... That's right, Wallace. I'm going over your head because all

heaven knows I can't get around you.

Well, this is a little irregular, but if you insist.

Johnny!

Okay, Tom, let's have a warm Wheel of Forever welcome for someone who needs no

introduction. Ladies and gentlemen, our top banana, Evan's own...

But you're late for your date with the pitchfork.

Look, Florence, if you let me off the hook on this one, I promise to give you

Thursdays off, okay?

And if I'm allowed to lie up here, you look good.

Get going.

Who are you supposed to be?

Oh, Florence.

Florence. Please let me into the kingdom of heaven.

I'm sorry, my child. But the sweet chariot don't swing.

But did you get the TV set I left for you in the closet?

Okay, I forgot, I forgot.

I'll get you one tomorrow.

What kind do you want? Just tell me.

Solid state, your name. Just tell me what to do.

Say bye -bye.

Oh, is it time for the future pit yet?

I'm sorry, lovely, but this one belongs to me.

Florence, look, I'll buy you a TV set. I'll buy you two TV sets.

No college football, no USFL.

In fact, I don't even want to see you smiling.