Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on up, we're moving on up to the...

Once I've told her a hundred times to keep this door closed. She's not at

Where is she?

Oh, there she is.

What's she doing out there?

Whale watching.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Florence.

So how'd the auction go?

Great. We raised a lot of money for the help center. Yeah, but you know, those

auctions are thirsty work.

Yeah, how about some lemonade, Florence?

Oh, sounds good. It's on the top shelf of the refrigerator.

Okay, okay, I forgot. You can't reach it.

Well, gang, we made quite a haul, didn't we? Yeah, the only problem we had was

with this hat.

Weasley, look, you must have donated this by mistake.

Uh, right.

I guess I put it in the box of junk that we were supposed to donate instead of

the box of junk we were supposed to keep.

But don't you remember this hat? This is the one I gave to you on our honeymoon

in Coney Island.

How could I forget?

Let's see if it still fits.

Now run.

Well, now, the hat is nice, but I think I got the steal of the auction.

Oh, when Helen gets back from visiting her mother, she'll go crazy over this.

Don't you think so, Louise?

Well, if I had to look at that every day, I'd certainly go crazy.

Ah, thanks, Louise.

I just love a good auction.

Well, it's competition in its purest form.

Think about it.

I mean, squaring off, face to face, wallet to wallet, bidding against people

don't even know for something you don't even want. Right, that's the living.

Tell me about it. Did you see all those people I suckered into bidding against

me? If that jerk in the leisure suit had bid just one more time, well, he would

have been stuck with this monstrosity.

Yeah, you really suckered him in.

Oh, gee, thanks, George.

Oh, but he was a pretty good sport about it, though. Oh, yeah.

When you took out the $75 to pay for it, he died laughing.

Well, you know, Tom, maybe you did carry this auction thing a little too far.

I mean, when you started bidding at the hot dog stand.

No, Luis, I couldn't help myself. When the vendor said 50 cents, I just had to

up him to 60.

Then when he went to 70, well, I had to raise him to a dollar and a half.

Well, that shut him up.

Well, I'll tell you one thing. We made a lot of money for the help center. Oh,

we sure did buy a lot of junk.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to throw out some of this stuff. Oh.

I mean, like...

Take this coat, for instance.

Now, what poor soul would even bother to wear this?

Hey, that's a nice coat.

You really like this?

No, but it sure beats the one I got now.

How much you want for it? I'll start the bidding at $5.

We're not at the auction.

I know, I know.

I just can't stop bidding.

Well, I just got to wind down. Relax, relax, relax. Just mellow out, mellow

mellow in.

Florence, you're going to have to go for 25 cents.

25 cents?

Oh, right.

This must be my lucky day. You know, the radio said 25 was my lucky number. And

here I am getting this coat for 25 cents.

Ain't that great?

Oh, listen, Florence, there are a lot of great things here. Well, like this hat,

for instance.

Oh, that is nice.

How do I look?

Hey, you know Jane Kennedy?

Yeah. You look just like the guy she married.

All right, who paid for this?

Me.

It figures. How much you want for it? For that thing, you can have that.

I don't need no charity.

Oh, well, in that case, give me a nickel.

Good. Now, at least I have my dignity.

So what do you think?

There goes your dignity.

You know, it feels kind of tight.

Well, maybe it's a little small.

Well, maybe your head's too big.

Maybe you can take out the lining.

Yeah, it is kind of bunched up.

Hey, something's stuck in here.

It's a hundred dollar bill.

It's amazing.

It's incredible.

It's got friends.

24, 25, $2 ,500, $2 ,500,

250 ,000 pennies.

And no matter which way you say it, it's mine.

Congratulations,

Florence. Thanks, Miss Jefferson. You know, it's like the good book says, the

Lord works in mysterious ways.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

And the Lord sure is a good shepherd because he just dropped 25 big ones on

You know, this is even better than winning in a game show. At least you

have to jump up and down and make a fool of yourself.

Well,

she didn't have to do that.

Yes, but I know where she's coming from. You know, this reminds me of a hot

summer day when I was a mere lad of 15.

Well, look.

Can't you remember this to yourself?

Sure, but then it wouldn't be any fun for you guys.

Well, anyway, I was a pretty rambunctious, adventuresome scamp.

But the humidity was up that day, so I thought it would be safer to play

in the basement.

Well, while I was there, I found Grandmother's old steamer trunk.

And rummaging through it, I found an old stock certificate.

Well, there was no telling how much it was worth after all those years. And

upon further investigation, do you know what I found? It was worth a lot of

money. No.

It was wrapped around a perfectly good can of cling peaches.

You know, all these years we've been knowing you, you never told us that

Oh, I'm sorry, George. Don't apologize.

Well, now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to call Helen and tell her all the

excitement.

Oh, she's going to love this.

Oh, Florence, congratulations.

And remember, don't spend your money all in one place, or you'll regret it.

Again, I know where you're coming from.

Then go there.

$2 ,500.

You know the first thing I'm going to do? What?

Tomorrow I'm going to stick this all in the bank.

I've always wanted to have a bank book that said, Florence Johnston, $2 ,500.

Well, that's a wise thing to do. And then I'm going to take a chunk out and

it, because that's the fun thing to do.

Look, Florence, let me give you a little advice about money, how to keep it

safe. You want to put it someplace where nobody would dare want to touch it.

Where? Keep it on yourself.

George!

That's okay, Miss Jefferson.

Look, all I know is that now I can go into a store and be what I've always

wanted to be.

And what is that?

A consumer.

Oh, wait a minute.

You won't be able to spend any of that money for a while.

What you talking about for a while?

Well, I just remembered. When you find money, you're supposed to turn it over

the police.

The police?

Why drag the police into this? They got enough problems.

Because it's the law.

The rightful owners have to have a chance to claim it. What about the other

Finest keepers, losers, weepers.

We don't know who donated these clothes, but whoever it was obviously made a

mistake. I don't think so, Miss Jefferson.

I mean, if somebody rich took $2 ,500, stuck it in a hat, and donated it to a

rummage sale, obviously they wanted it to go to the Pope.

And it worked out perfect because I'm Pope.

Aren't you rationalizing?

No, I'm trying to figure out how to keep the money.

Well, Florence, I think you know in your heart what you have to do.

Oh, we don't have to worry about her. Look, she's a church -going woman.

Look. Let me give you God's point of view, okay?

Okay, first of all, he didn't give you no looks.

He didn't give you no talent.

He gave you no man.

So what he did, he took $2 ,500, put it in his hat, and sent it down and said,

here, Florence, I'm sorry.

Thank you, Lord.

your apology.

Look, I know it's easy for me to say, but I really think you should turn in

money.

You're right, Miss Jefferson.

Good, Florence.

It is easy for you to say.

All right, enough said.

It is your choice.

Come on, George.

Oh, please.

Keep the money.

Hello, operator.

Would you connect me to the police?

I want to report some... Money on fire!

Oh.

Fine.

All right, Florence, there are no burglars, no muggers, and there's no

for us to keep acting like this. Now, will you come on in here?

Florence, just relax.

Now, you waited the legal amount of time. The police turned the money over

you. Now it's yours to keep.

Well, you can never be too careful.

I mean, you saw what that woman did to me on the subway.

She only asked you for the time.

Sure. Today, the time.

Tomorrow, my money.

Florence, relax.

You got money now.

You shouldn't be worrying over every nickel and dime.

Hey, we...

Do you have to have your teeth cleaned every year?

I'm sorry, George.

The next time we go through a car wash, I'll just stick my head out of the

window and smile.

See, y 'all are used to having money.

This is all new to me. I mean, for all I know, I could be robbed, mugged, lose

it.

All I know is it could be a bunch of freeloaders right outside that door

with their hands out.

Don't be silly, Florence. Nobody wants your money.

Well, maybe you're right.

I mean, who would be low enough to want to take money from somebody like me?

Hello,

Florence.

My, you look lovely today.

Flowers? For you.

For me?

Well, from who?

Read the card.

Me.

From you?

Why? No reason in particular.

I just feel it's important every once in a while to give to those who have

nothing. I'm sure if you had the wherewithal, you'd give freely to, read

card, me.

You didn't hear about her windfall?

Windfall?

I had no idea. When did this happen?

How did it happen?

Did you check the whole hat?

So you did hear about her money?

Yeah, and the only reason you brought me these flowers is because you want

something from me.

Just think.

I came up here to do you a favor, and you slapped me in the face with your

distrust.

I'm sorry, Ralph.

I guess I'm just a little edgy. Well, I only came up here to warn you about the

parasites, the bloodsuckers, and the leeches that are after your money, but

you've obviously become so callous and hardened you can't even recognize

friends.

Well, I'm sorry again, Ralph.

How can I make it up to you? You can lend me $2 ,500.

Mr. Jefferson? Well, you've seen me in action. Right.

Well, see, Florence, you did it. You got past the police, and most of all, you

got past Ralph. Now all the money is all yours.

What now?

I'll just take these back to the pet cemetery.

Now, Florence, what are you going to do with all that money?

Well, I had a couple of thoughts.

I know I only got so much money, so it's important that I only get the things I

need. Well, you could make out a list.

Oh, I did. It's on the desk.

Oh.

Well, all I see is the Bloomingdale's catalog.

That's the list.

Oh, plus a few other little odds and ends that I have here.

Florence, I really don't think you need a helicopter.

Yeah, and I don't think you need a yacht either.

Oh, half the fun was making up the list.

I know $2 ,500 ain't gonna buy all that, but it will buy me enough to make me

happy. You're right, Florence.

Pamper yourself.

You deserve it.

You know, I think I may get a whole new wardrobe.

I'd like to see how it feels to wear some other label besides irregular.

Or you could go on a trip.

Yeah, I could go someplace I've never been before.

Right, how about the laundry room? You ain't never been there.

George!

Oh, that's okay, Miss Jefferson. It don't matter.

You know, all my life, I've been looking in store windows, watching other folks

get things that I wanted.

Now, for the first time, I can be on the inside looking out. And you know

something? It sure feels good.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take these $100 bills in the bedroom and

tell each one of them what they're going to do for me.

Oh, George, you know, it's so nice seeing Florence this happy.

Hello. Can I help you?

God, I hope so.

My name is Shirley Schneider, and I'm looking for Louise Jefferson.

Are you she?

Yes. Why?

Do you work at the Neighborhood Help Center?

Yes. Why?

Were you involved in the Help Center auction?

Let me handle this, Louise.

Yes. Why?

My hero.

Please come in, Mrs. Schneider. Oh, thank you.

Oh, I'm afraid there's been an awful mistake.

I've been out of the country, and when I got back, I discovered my daughter had

inadvertently given your organization some clothing that I didn't want to part

with. Yes? Why?

Uh, George, that no longer applies.

Uh,

Mrs. Schneider, what about these clothes?

Well, I know it's an unorthodox request, but I would like to ask for them back.

Oh, well, you'll have to describe them.

Oh, oh, certainly.

The hat was a wine cloche with a grosgrain band, and it had a red silk

pinned to one side. Oh, and the flower was missing one petal.

Can you be a little more specific?

Yes, inside was a wad of dough that would choke a horse.

Look here.

Here is a snapshot of me wearing both the hat and the coat.

You call that proof?

Yes, we have the coat and hat.

Splendid.

You also have the money.

Yes, we have that too. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Describe the money.

It was green.

Just checking, just checking.

It's okay, she's on the level.

Uh, Mrs.

Schneider, you must understand, we didn't just take the money.

We went to the police first, and then nobody claimed it, so they turned it

to us.

That's nice.

Can I have it?

Well, our maid, Florence, is the one who bought your clothes and your money.

She's in her bedroom.

Won't you have a seat?

Oh, all right.

Florence!

How do you think she's going to take this?

Just think about somebody trying to grab a steak out of a Doberman Pinch's

mouth.

Oh, Florence, I would like you to meet... Oh, Shirley Schneider, how do

Uh,

Florence, uh...

Do you remember that old saying, uh, the best things in life are free?

Yes, why?

Good. See this dollar?

See this dollar bill?

Just imagine 2 ,500 of these, right?

Watch.

No.

I'm sorry, Florence.

Look, I waited the legal time, and the money's mine.

Well... Legally, it is. Good. Then forward my mail to Tahiti.

Florence, Mrs. Schneider was out of the country, and she's just found out about

all this.

How do I know the clothes are hers?

She described everything perfectly, even down to the color of the money.

I guess this is it.

Goodbye, videotape recorder.

Goodbye, designer clothes.

Goodbye, bunion surgery.

Oh, we'll go and get the coat and hat.

Here you are.

I know how difficult this is.

It's more difficult than I ever imagined.

And I want you to know how much I appreciate your integrity.

In fact, I want to show you how much I appreciate it. Would you accept a cash

reward?

Well... Yes.

How does 10 % sound?

Well, it sounds like $250.

Which is fine with me.

$250? My dear, may I suggest you check your arithmetic?

Well, ain't $250 10 % of $2 ,500?

Yes. Well, that's what was in the hat.

The hat?

You mean you haven't checked the coat?

I kept the rest of my $25 ,000.

$25 ,000? And 10 % of that is $2 ,500.

Now

I

kept my videotape recorder.

And your designer clothes.

And brain surgery.

George. That's bunion surgery.

Well, she might as well fix everything at the same time.

Oh, listen, I want to thank you. I want to thank you for everything.

No, I'm the one who thanks you.

I'm so happy.

I'll even help you pick up your 90%. It's a deal.

You know something, it might be a little expensive, but I think I found out the

way to get Florence to clean the floor.

Hmm.