Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on up, we're moving on up, too deep down, moving on up, to a

deep...

Ask what you were doing.

Well, I'm watching that TV program, Consumer Watchdog, with Leontine

And I'm doing some product testing right along with the show.

Did you know that a Digifax wash can stay in a high -speed blender for ten

minutes and still come out ticking?

No. But I didn't know you owned a Digifax wash.

Oh, I don't. It's yours.

I wish you would have asked me first.

But I guess it's good to know that my watch can survive something like that.

Too bad we can't say the same thing for the blender.

Oh, look, she's getting ready to do the Spongebob paper towel strength test.

This watch had two hands.

But at least you can tell us either day.

Oh, watch this.

For our next report on Consumer Watchdog, the test you've all been

Spongebob towels.

In fact, the mighty towel, as the commercials claim.

Well, let's find out.

First, we'll wet the towel.

Here, hold this paper towel.

Then we place a coffee cup on it.

We got a coffee cup?

Oh, that's okay. We'll use your watch.

Can't you be like everybody else and watch Phil Donahue?

Isn't that a disgrace?

Another case of misrepresentation on the part of a nationally advertised

product? If this reporter had her way, Sponjo wouldn't sell another paper towel

ever in this or any other country.

But on a brighter note, our show doesn't only point out the bad guys. We also

believe in giving the good guys a little recognition.

So this week's Consumer Watchdog pat on the back goes to a businessman who shows

he cares about the consumer.

Wait, is that all you got to do is watch television all day?

George, it was Florence who was watching. Oh, sure.

Blame it on the maid.

You ought to see that watch you gave her.

Go ahead, blame that on me, too.

That Cunningham cleaners was trying to drive me out of business again.

Oh, George, please. Not Cunningham again.

Yeah. Now, you know what he's doing? He's got this celebrity campaign.

He's got this dumb soap opera star trying to promote his business.

Oh, so who did he get?

Well, his name is, uh, Kent Tobin.

Kent Tobin!

Kent Tobin! Not the Kent Tobin.

Kent Tobin from Mornings of Our Night. Oh.

The one that all the nurses are in love with.

Child, even Lucille, who is blind, is in love with his aftershave.

Kent Tobin!

You mean Kent Tobin is that Cunningham's child? Oh!

I think she's heard of him. Oh, come on, Weezy.

Pretty soon, Cunningham is going to take my business away. I won't have any

reason to go down there. I have to close early. I have to close on weekends.

Come on, Weezy, you've got to help me. The next thing you know, I have to spend

all my time with you.

I've got to help you. Look, relax.

Now, nobody's going out of their way to take their clothes to Cunningham just

because Kent Tobin says so.

Wonder where she's going with.

Oh, George, Florence is just one person.

Yeah, well, suppose the whole world was full of Florences.

Oh, sure, we'd be safe from enemy attack.

Then I'd be out of business.

George, you're blowing this all out of proportion.

It is only one newspaper ad.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Florence ain't like people.

Well, the point is, nobody's going to take Cunningham's promotion seriously.

George, I just saw Kent Tobin at Cunningham's.

Oh, don't worry, George. He'll be there all week.

Isn't that right, Helen?

Uh, Helen?

He touched me.

Oh, I got his autograph.

And, George, he even talked to me. I told him I was a publisher, and he said,

next.

Oh, what a kidder.

Helen, I can't believe a grown -up acting like this over a soap opera star.

What's gotten into you?

He touched me.

Weezy, I'm dead.

Oh, come on, George.

So people are flocking to Cunningham's. I mean, how much is a flock?

Well, from what I saw at Cunningham's, I'd say three, four hundred tops.

See that? I'm ruined. Cunningham's gonna bury me.

Oh, now, George, don't worry.

Now, let's put on our thinking caps and see if we can come up with something.

Now, if you were in a war and you were being outgunned, you'd get a bigger

cannon. And if you were being beaten in a horse race, well, you'd get a faster

horse. And now that you're being outpromoted, gee, I don't know what to

you.

You know, Willis, you're a genius.

Really? No, but you gave me a good idea.

Now I'm going to beat Cunningham at his own...

game. I'm going to out -promote him. It's going to be the biggest thing that

ever hit this town.

What are you going to do?

I don't know exactly, but I see confetti.

George, there's no need for you to compete just to see who can come up with

big promotion.

Now, you offer quality service at fair prices, and that's the way to run a

business. Right, Helen?

Oh, no.

He touched me.

never guess who we saw at Cunningham's.

Kent Tobin?

Yeah.

And you know what he did?

He touched you.

Were you there?

No, and neither would you and him if you were our friends.

Well, now, George, if this Kent Tobin promotion is really bothering you,

have to fight fire with fire. Just go out and find a celebrity of your own.

What are you talking about? I can't afford no celebrity.

Hey, wait a minute.

What about Tony Orlando and Dawn, Weez?

Do you know Tony Orlando and Dawn?

Well, no, but this guy came into the store the other day and said that his

father was the plumber of Dawn, the short Dawn.

He seemed like an all right guy. I mean, he didn't just come out and say it. He

didn't brag or nothing. He just sort of slipped into the conversation.

George, nobody is coming to Jefferson Cleaners just to see some son of a

plumber.

Yeah, I guess you're right. It's his father or nothing.

Well, George, we'd love to stay and help, but we're on our way to lunch at

Terraza.

You never know.

We might see some celebrities there.

Oh, sweetheart, don't you think we've had our fill of celebrities for one day?

Hey, wait a minute. Isn't that the place that serves a succulent duckling

sautéed in white wine with olives?

Mm -hmm.

Okay.

Where can we get a celebrity cheap?

Hey, I wonder what the Beaver's doing today.

George, for the last time, you don't need celebrities.

Okay, you know a good animal act?

Look, you want a good promotion?

I'll give you a good promotion.

Now, this letter just came today.

And it says, Dear Mr.

Jefferson, Just a note to thank you for your honesty.

Many other cleaners would have kept the $10 they found in my pants pocket, but

you returned it along with my clothes, which were sparkling clean as usual.

Signed, your customer forever, Hank the Most.

So, why don't you use this in your advertisement?

You don't have no sense of advertising.

That letter don't mean nothing.

Why? It's the truth.

I know, but who's going to believe that?

They'll just think it's the best lie I could come up with.

Oh, George, don't be ridiculous. You should take this letter and hang it in

store downstairs.

Better yet, you should hang it in all your stores.

I'll go out and get you some copies made.

Oh, great. That's going to bring them right in.

You'll see. I don't need copies of letters. I need celebrities.

I know where to get them, too.

love your aftershave.

Yes, you have, Lucille.

And by the way, I'm over here.

Sorry, Kent.

Well, that's all right, Lucille.

At least now I know you love me for me and not just my fabulous good looks.

I love your looks too, Kent.

So do I, Lucille.

So do I, child.

George, I've got the copies.

Is George here?

Not now, Miss Jefferson. Kent's about to propose to Lucille.

Lucille, would you be my, my... Say it, Kent.

Would you be my sponsor in the 10K run?

Miss Jefferson, I'll have you know you just turned off a personal friend of

mine. Well, I'm sorry.

I'll apologize to him in the next episode.

And another thing, Florence, I wouldn't show that picture to George. I'm trying

to get him off of this celebrity kick.

Oh, Mr. Jefferson. And you are not exactly helping.

Now, I don't want to hear another word about celebrities, TV stars, or

personalities, because, frankly, I'm sick of it.

the way we were.

You're... I'm tired of standing here, man.

Might I have a seat?

Whatever you want to do, you do.

Do you know who you are?

You're the Sundance Kid.

You're the sting.

You're... We've already been through that.

Might I have a seat?

Whatever you want to do, child, you do.

Oh, Florence, we've already been over that, too. Please sit.

Can I get you anything?

Drink? Sandwich? An Oscar?

Nothing, thanks.

May I ask you one question? Are you really this good -looking in person?

I'm here to see Mr.

Jefferson.

Before you do that, I have just one question.

Do you remember Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid?

Yeah. Well, would you go someplace with me so my friends could see us together?

Lawrence!

Will you stop? You're embarrassing him.

Now, we have an extra room, and it's yours for the rest of your life.

You want me to get that?

No.

I'll talk to him last. It's my turn.

Well, okay.

But whoever it is, I'll get rid of them.

Now, just don't say anything famous while I'm gone.

I'm sorry, but we have business.

Well,

there's someone in here you've just got to meet.

Thank you, Mr. Jefferson.

Not you.

Bob, Liza.

Liza Bob with a Z.

How's it there?

Uh, excuse me.

I just had a great idea.

Why don't the three of us make a movie together?

Excuse me, is Mr. Jefferson here?

Who?

I get it.

It's my job. It's my house.

Paper covers rock.

George Jefferson?

Oh, who ain't?

Oh, please come in and sit anywhere.

So, Bob, what is this bug you've got for directing?

I mean, child, you belong in front of the camera.

Lady, look, I'm here to see Mr. Jefferson. Can you tell me when he's

Why do y 'all want to see Mr. Jefferson? I mean, you two are famous.

Uh, three?

Whatever.

Hey, Weez. Hey, hi, everybody.

Just cool your heels. I'll be with you in a minute.

George. Oh, please excuse my husband's rudeness.

He's even worse to nobodies.

George, I thought you said you couldn't afford celebrities.

How in the world did you get these two?

Three.

Whatever.

How? They needed to work.

They did?

Well, I...

things were tough in Hollywood, but I never... Oh, I understand.

You thought they were real.

I never thought you were as dumb as the rest of the people.

These are look -alikes. Can't you tell?

Well, yes.

I hate to burst your bubble, but they don't look a thing like they're supposed

to.

Wait a minute.

You mean you two?

Three.

Ain't real.

Now she includes me.

Well, I hate to tell you this, child, but your hair is all wrong.

And your nose is way too small.

And you, you poor thing, you look just like him.

Okay, now, I want you to listen up, everybody.

And I will explain why I brought you all here today for the I Love Jefferson

Cleaners Celebrity Campaign.

Uh, George, I don't understand.

Why would people care where a celebrity lookalike gets their clothes cleaned?

See, Weez, you're acting like the general public again.

I'm not going to tell anybody that they're lookalikes.

You mean you're going to use these people in your advertising without

that they're fakes?

They're not fake.

They were born with these faces.

The only difference between dishonest and honest is an extra syllable.

George, I'm not letting you go through with this.

Why not? Cunningham's doing it.

No, he's not. He's using a real star.

You are using people who look like stars, and you know what that makes you?

lot smarter than Cunningham.

Plus, I'll be the most famous cleaner in the city, in the country. And in the

penitentiary.

Don't pay no attention. She don't know what she's talking about. In a

penitentiary, they have their own cleaning.

Okay.

Now, let's get to work.

Hey, we... You never guess what happened today.

You found a George Jefferson look -alike to go to jail for you.

No, but you know that ain't a bad idea.

You never guess who came to the store today.

George, I don't really care.

Now, I know I've been after you for two days.

But please don't go through with this celebrity campaign.

It could ruin you.

But, Wheezy, you know, oh, you know that consumer watchdog program that comes on

every day with Leontine Farrell?

Well, Florence watches it sometimes.

Well, she came into the store today, and she wants me to be on her show.

Did she say why?

Yeah. She's giving me the consumer watchdog pat on the back. It's an award

the service I've been doing for the people for the last 15 years.

Well, I hope the subject of your celebrity campaign doesn't come up.

you'll find yourself on another show like the dry cleaner of Alcatraz.

No! That's the beauty of it. The ad doesn't come out until tomorrow. The

interview will be over by then.

It will?

Yeah, she's right downstairs now with the cameraman and crew.

Ain't that great?

Well, I wish you luck.

And I sure hope you know what you're doing. Look, don't worry, okay?

Oh, that's her now.

Now, remember, this is my shining moment, so don't block my light.

Of course, you can feel free to hover lovingly in the background, okay?

Why, Miss Farrell, come in.

Thank you, and you call me Leontine. Oh, this is my wife, Louise.

Hello. Pleased to meet you.

Oh, by the way, this is my good side.

Oh, what am I saying? I don't have a bad side.

Oh, Mrs. Jefferson, may I say this is an absolutely beautiful apartment.

Oh, thank you very much. Thank you. This is a reward for my millions of

satisfied customers.

Oh, and I meant to tell you, Mr. Jefferson, I bring my clothes to your

You have always done excellent work. Why, thank you. I hate to brag, but I

mind if you do.

Mrs. Jefferson, will you be joining us for the interview?

Oh, no, no.

I'd rather just hover lovingly in the background.

She's a nice wife.

Well, everything seems fine. Let's go over a couple of things you told me.

Let's see.

You were born the son of a sharecropper.

I'll tell the audience that. No, no, no, no. Those are my lines. I'll tell them.

Look, why don't we do it over here in front of the window, see?

We have, like, all of New York behind us, right? That makes me look more

powerful.

Oh, yeah, look.

See if you can slip cranberry stains in. I got stories about that that'll kill

you.

Okay, Mr. Jefferson.

Oh, I can see you're a lively subject. I'm sure we're going to have a good

Oh, why, thank you.

Oh, are we ready?

Ready, Mr. Jefferson? I was born ready.

All right, then, let's begin.

Good afternoon.

We are in the home of George Jefferson, the owner of Jefferson Cleaners. Mr.

Jefferson, I... I stand here and I look at you and I think, here is a man who

has been in business for 15 years.

He's successful.

He's respected.

And I say to myself, why?

Why does a man want to perpetrate a fraud on the people of New York? Why,

Jefferson?

Would you put the microphone down a minute? I want to talk to you about

I have signed affidavits from various celebrities stating that they have never

been to any of your stores, yet you are about to run ads claiming that they are

your satisfied customers.

Can you explain that, Mr. Jefferson?

Uh, well, I thought I was supposed to get a pat on the back. This doesn't seem

like a pat on the back.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Mr. Jefferson, you're a real fraud.

Ladies and gentlemen, I think that's pretty much an open admission of guilt.

Another crook put to rest.

This is Leontine Farrell, your consumer watchdog, saying, when the bad guys take

a bite out of you, bite back.

So long for now.

I'm sorry, Mr. Jefferson.

You've got to do your job, and I've got to do mine.

Of course, tomorrow I'll still have mine.

Have a nice day.

Was that a normal pat on the back, or did I just get slunk upside the head?

Well, George, you can't say I didn't try to stop you. Oh, boy.

This is it.

When this hits the air, I'm going to prison.

I'll never do anything dumb or dishonest again with you. Honest, honest, honest.

Which is sad, because now I can't even bribe myself out of prison.

So, in other words, if you had all this to do over again...

You would run an honest ad campaign?

Definitely. As sure as I'm a former dry cleaner and a future license plate

maker.

That's all I wanted to hear.

Miss McDonald.

That's not Miss McDonald. That's Leontine Farrell.

No, it's not. But she certainly looks like her, doesn't she?

her from the same lookalike agency that you use.

How could you do that?

Credit card.

Oh, and thanks for hiring me. By the way, I'm also available for parties,

funerals, and bar mitzvahs.

Oh, and I juggle. Really?

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