Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on up. We're moving on up. To the.

Last week on The Jeffersons, Louise gave George the birthday gift of a lifetime,

a trip with a group of mystery writers on the Caribbean mystery ship. It's

new. You'll love it. You go out for three days on a yacht, and the captain

the crew provide a made -up mystery. Then you and the other passengers try to

solve it. On board, George met his idols, and his idols met George.

George Jefferson, right off Blunt's stage, no problem.

Neanderthal. You, sir, are a twit.

And a Neanderthal.

George eagerly awaited the ship's mystery, but the game soon turned all

real. Oh, what happened?

Oh, we were just talking and he keeled over.

Hey, is this all part of the game? I'm afraid this is no game.

Mr. Thornton's really dead.

And that wasn't all.

I'm afraid there's even more bad news. Listen to this.

Thornton was only the first.

Everyone in this room will die.

The only question now is, who done it? Was it the steward?

The captain?

Steel?

Bloom? The duchess?

Derek?

Florence, Louise, or this man?

And now, The Jeffersons continues.

Hey, Louise, look.

When you come out of there, when you get in bed, if I'm not moving or if I'm

cold, if I ain't saying too much, don't worry about it. It just means that I'm

dead.

So tonight will be business as usual, huh, George?

Okay, so it's been a slow year.

Forget about that.

Look, Weez, we gotta be ready for anything.

The killer could come at us any kind of way. It could be knives, it could be

guns, it could be just about anything.

Wheeze, your pajamas look like your street clothes.

They are my clothes, George, in case I get killed during the night. I don't

strangers investigating me in my nightgown.

You know something?

You and me have been through a lot together, you know that?

No matter what happens, remember, you married a great guy.

That's comforting, George.

It should be. I'm here to protect you.

If they want to get to you, they got to go through me.

Get that, will you?

Maybe they'll go away if we ignore them.

You got a plan?

Everybody here's already dead.

Let me in.

Oh, that's Florence.

Wait a minute. It could be a trick. How do we know it's Florence?

If you're Florence, prove it.

Stand up on your wife's shoulders and look through the keyhole.

Florence, if you want to stay in here with us, you're welcome.

Thanks, Miss Chip. Oh, come on. We're just bad enough I got to get killed. Do

have to be tortured first?

Now, George, you have to admit there's safety in numbers.

And besides, shut up.

Okay, okay, but we all can't go to sleep at the same time. Somebody's got to

stand guard.

Now, we've got to figure out a way to take ships, okay? Now, we pick straws.

That seems like the fastest way of saying that I'm the one that's going to

first, right?

Okay, okay, look.

Men have been protecting their women since time began. I do it.

I'm fearless.

My shift's over.

He's the captain.

Sorry about that, but we can't be too careful.

No, no, I understand.

Fear can often make a man behave like, well, a moron. Oh.

Thank you for understanding. What can I do for you? I'm asking everyone to

gather in the salon.

I have a couple of announcements to make.

Plus, I think it's better if we all keep an eye on each other. Yeah, you have

all the suspects in the salon.

Good, that'll give me a chance to crack this case wide open.

I'll make that killer wish he never met Joyce Jefferson.

He might as well join the rest of us.

Could I have your attention, please?

I've asked everybody to gather for a couple of reasons.

The first is for our safety.

Our radio has been sabotaged and we can't call for help.

Anyway, I think it's better if we all stay here together.

Excuse me, but we're not all together.

I noticed the Duchess has decided not to join us.

No, no, no.

I spoke to her. Unfortunately, she's suffering from insulin shock at the

and she can't be moved. And I've posted a guard outside her door for her safety.

But you said there were two reasons you asked us here.

Oh, yes.

That's the other news.

The wine in Mr. Thornton's glass was definitely poisoned.

Oh, I knew it all along. But I saw the guy drink that wine and start choking

gagging, and I said to myself, uh -huh, poison.

Mr. Jefferson, can we throw him overboard?

Let me reconstruct this crime, okay? Steel.

Steel, you were jealous of Thornton. It would have been very easy for you to

have laced his glass with poison. I was talking to you at the time he died.

I didn't kill him. I know that.

But you, you despise all men. Talk about motives.

Oh, you are ridiculous.

But I assure you, if I start exterminating men, you'll be the very

I know that.

Which brings us to you.

You knew that Thornton was attracted to my maid, but you wanted her for

yourself. Don't be a fool. Nobody wants your maid.

and killed himself.

Um, Judge, I hate to be a wet blanket, but how do you explain the note found

on the bar, everyone in this room will die?

Simple. He just did that to throw us off his trail.

Now, if it wasn't for me, he would have killed himself and got off scot -free.

Oh, come on now, folks. He worked hard on that.

Are you about to finish now? Mr.

Jefferson? Maybe, maybe not. How do you turn off the mind of a genius?

How about a sock with a roll of quarters in it?

Captain, did you ever test the wine in the bottle?

Oh, yes. That was the second point. We tested that and found that it was

poisoned, too. Now, how? That's just a piece to this puzzle I've been looking

for. Me, too. Same piece.

Oh, indeed. In that case, perhaps you'd care to elaborate?

Well, uh... Well said.

All along, we've been wondering how the poison could have gotten into Thornton's

glass, but now we know it was in the bottle before he ever opened it. Yes,

anybody on this ship could have poisoned that bottle at any time right up until

the murder.

Well, not really. Mr.

Thornton always kept it with him in a locked box.

Come on, Weasley, you leave this to us pros.

No, Miss Jefferson's right. Edgar was the only one with a key.

Yeah, and he didn't take the bottle out of the box until he was with us.

And we all saw him on Corkett.

So everything still points to the fact that one of us is the killer.

But how could... How could the killer get poison into an unopened bottle?

That'd be impossible.

Exactly. Not true.

Exactly.

You're overlooking the cork. Oh, the cork is too obvious.

What the killer did was he drilled a hole in the bottom of the bottle and

sprayed the poison in that way.

Then perhaps you'd care to explain why none of the wine drained out?

Hey, do I have to explain everything to you guys?

The killer did go through the cork. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Did I say the

bottom of the bottle? I'm sorry. I meant the cork.

Take it, Orge.

Don't call me Orge.

Now, the question is, how could someone penetrate the cork without Edgar

realizing that his bottle had been tampered with?

The answer?

A hypodermic syringe.

The Duchess. The Duchess. The Duchess.

Naturally,

the Duchess. She's a diabetic, remember?

She'd have to give herself injections.

Obviously, she would have a hypodermic. Well, we were all together.

Wouldn't we have noticed her poisoning the wine?

No, not necessarily, because there was a brief moment, say, when we were all

gathering clues about the so -called stabbing. The Duchess never joined us.

you remember?

Aren't you going to look, Duchess? No, no, no. The rest of you can run around

like rank amateurs, but I have seen all I need to see.

While we looked for clues, the Duchess stayed back and poisoned the bottle.

Incredible, isn't it, Florence?

Yeah, I finally find a live one and she turns them into a dead one.

I'd better get down to the Duchess's cabin right away.

Place her under arrest.

We'll join you.

Stand back.

Duchess Van Cobh, left as the captain.

Locked. All right.

You stay here.

I'm going in.

meaning of this?

I'm here to place you under arrest.

Arrest? Why? Whatever for?

The murder of Edgar Thornton.

Oh, you must be joking.

Murder is no joke.

And while we're on the subject, may I have your syringe, please?

I notice, Duchess, you're not laughing any longer.

Duchess!

We'll have to break the door down.

Oh, you need a battering ram. Quick, grab Mr. Jefferson.

What's happened here? She hit me with this, and then she escaped out the

The window?

Oh, man, if Dutchess knew I broke this, she'd kill me.

Can you see at all, Captain?

No, I can't.

Maybe she's on the way to the lifeboat.

You mean she got away?

Yes, I'm afraid so.

With murder.

I'm afraid we lost her in the fog.

As I thought, the lifeboat's gone.

Now, we'll keep searching, but there isn't much hope. All we can do now is to

notify the Coast Guard when we get to shore.

Well, at least she's off the ship and we are all safe.

Yeah, for a while I thought I'd never live to see another waxy yellow buildup.

Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I could sure use a drink.

Well,

here is to the memory of Edgar Thornton.

And to those of us who solved his murder, which is all of us except for

Stooge over there.

Did I ever thank you for this trip, Louise?

Oh, come on.

That's not the George Jefferson I know.

So what if they figured out the mystery and you didn't? They needed you.

If there wasn't someone who didn't get it, it wouldn't be a mystery, right?

Look, there are plenty of things you can do better than them.

Give them a shirt with a grape stain on it and see if they can get it out.

I'll bet they can't. And you want to know why?

Because, baby, you're the best.

You're the best there is.

Oh, come on, Weez. I know you're just trying to make me feel good. I can see

right through it. See? You're not as dumb as they think.

The thing that's been bothering me... What, George?

I thought I had this murder mystery solved.

I even thought I knew who killed Thornton. But I didn't know how.

And I didn't want to say nothing because I didn't want to look stupid.

Stupid? I mean, how could you look stupid?

Oh, maybe because of that dumb theory you had about Edgar killing himself to

throw us off the trail?

Uh, Florence, forget it. Oh, I'm sorry.

Or maybe it was that dumb idea about drilling a hole in the bottom of the

bottle.

Florence, let it rest.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Or maybe it was the clumsy.

The clumsy way you broke that figurine.

I mean, you can't help it if you look stupid.

Wait a minute. Say that again.

You can't help it if you look stupid. No, no. What happened?

You broke the figurine.

That's it.

I broke it.

Captain, would you happen to have an extra copy of your book, Bloodstains? No

problem. One of the legs on my coffee table is too short.

No, wait. No, wait. No, wait. Here's a real mystery for you. What time is it?

Here's a clue.

You're wearing a watch.

Here's another clue.

It's quarter to six.

What time is it, you ask? It's time to pay the piper.

Hit the deck, everyone. He's been thinking... I know who killed Edgar

Thornton. We kind of had a clue to that when the Duchess jumped ship.

But you were all wrong.

The real murderer is still on this boat, still in this room.

George, the mystery has been solved, dear. Why don't we get some rest?

You see, he's been under a lot of strain lately.

It's the dirty season back home.

Let's not behave. Let's just hear Mr. Jefferson out. Oh, let's compromise and

throw him out.

After reviewing all of the clues and applying my superior knowledge of logic,

I have deduced that the killer can only be one person.

The captain.

Leave this guy. Oh, now, don't be ridiculous.

Don't be an idiot, Jefferson. The captain wasn't even in the room when

was poisoned. Ah, but he was.

Hey, I don't remember the captain being here. Now, how can you say that? Because

I broke the glass figurine.

This doesn't make sense. We all agreed that Thornton was poisoned by the

hypodermic. Correct.

And when the captain confronted her, the Duchess ran away.

That's where you're wrong. She didn't.

You're crazy. I fought with her in the cabin, and she escaped out of the

So you say. But if you all remember, when we broke into the Duchess' cabin, I

rushed over to the window to look for the Duchess.

That's when I accidentally broke the glass figurine.

Now, how could a desperate woman climbing out of a window not even damage

figurine if I broke it just by leaning against it?

Perhaps Derek has the answer.

Well, no. Well said. Well said.

But if the Duchess didn't go out the window, she must have been in the cabin.

That's impossible.

The captain was the only one in the cabin.

Unless... The captain was the Duchess.

Brilliant, Mr. Jefferson, brilliant.

Uh, George, the captain was already on the ship when the Duchess came

aboard.

Like I said, stupid, Mr. Jefferson, stupid.

I'm glad you brought that up, Wee.

Remember what the captain said to us when we were on the deck?

Yes. Well, now, if you'll forgive me, I must go and prepare for tonight's

mystery.

What he really was preparing for was how to get off the boat.

But we were all standing there, and it was broad daylight. Now, how could he

off the boat without us seeing him? Well, there was one way he could have

it. When the drunken second mate was carried off the boat, his sea chest

contained more than skivvies.

It contained the captain.

This is preposterous.

Besides, it still doesn't make sense. You remember the note we found here on

bar. Now, why would the captain want to kill all of us? He didn't want to kill

all of us. That was to throw us off. He only wanted to kill Edgar Thornton. Now,

why should I want to kill Edgar Thornton? Because of our book that he

Now, we're all familiar with Edgar Thornton's writing style.

George, didn't you tell me that Edgar Thornton writes mysteries based on the

lives of real people? That's right. He just changes the name. See, that's half

the fun of reading his books, to figure out who the characters really are.

But, George, what does that prove?

Remember when I saw the captain's picture on the wall when he was in the

He was Skipper of the USS Kinston.

There was something about the name of that ship that kept echoing in my head.

That's understandable.

There's all that empty space up there.

Oh, shut up.

Thank you, Weas.

Captain,

tell me, why did you exactly leave the Navy?

Well, it's a long story. I'd rather not discuss it.

I'm sure you wouldn't.

Mr. Dishonor Blade discharged.

Is it the truth that you were involved in a scandal that rocked the Navy?

Is it not true that you, the captain of the USS Kinston, was dishonorably

discharged for dressing in women's clothing?

And is it not true that you were publicly humiliated when it was revealed

Edgar Thornton's bestseller, The Captain Wore Nylons?

Thanks for the trip, Weave.

Yeah, very clever, Jefferson.

But just a little bit too clever. Wait a minute. It was only speculation. I'm

probably wrong.

Well, I can tell you all now.

I hated Edgar Thornton.

I did my best to serve my country.

What difference does it make if I did it wearing a cross -your -heart bra?

By the way, nice legs.

Oh, thank you very much.

Yeah,

I fixed this crew especially to get rid of Thornton.

I knew that I could lure him on board with this juicy murder mystery.

It was a work of art.

Oh, yes, I impersonated the Duchess. It was easy for me to impersonate her. None

of you had ever met her.

The perfect crime.

I commit the crime, the Duchess disappears into the fog, and I get away

And the perfect crime committed under the noses of the best mystery writers in

the world.

What are you going to do now?

Well, I'd have gotten away if your husband hadn't figured it out.

I guess that leaves me with no choice but to... Award Mr.

Jefferson with the trophy for solving the mystery crew's murder.

impersonated the character in his book, The Captain Wore Nylons.

I do it all the time.

I did it, I did it. I'm a genius.

Well, I think I'd rather have died than to live with him now.

Well, I guess you all realize this would be the perfect moment for me to rub

your noses in it, but I'm not going to do that. I'm too modest.

Good for you, George.

Why should I rub the nose in it? I got this big old trophy.

Wait a minute.

If this was all a game, then that means Edgar is still alive.

Ah, alive and kicking.

Oh, I'm so glad you ain't dead.

Now I can kill you for scaring me half to death.

your interest in me part of the act, too? Not at all.

I only hope they'll give me the chance to make it up to you when we have that

dinner together.

Oh, wait a minute.

This time, I'll pick the wine.

George, are you glad you came now? Oh, wheeze, thanks for the trip. I had a

great time.

Are you kidding? This trip took five years off of my life. In that case, I

terrific time.

Hmm.