Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on up. Moving on up. To the side. Moving on up. To a deep.

things for me because, well, over the years, I've given him my fair share of

business. Fair share?

Why, Tom, your patronage alone has put Dominic Jr.

through college.

Well, anyway, the cake looks perfect.

Happy birthday, Gorge.

The name George is loaded with E's. Look, there's one there at the end.

Well, at least all he ate was an E and not one of those six great -looking

roses.

Six? I ordered 12 roses.

I just can't wait to see the look on George's face when we yell surprise.

Oh, and he should be even more surprised when he opens his gifts.

Oh, I sure hope so.

You know, it's not easy shopping for George. What do you get for the man who

already has everything?

Another E.

Well, I bought him a nice present. Oh, what did you get him?

A can of soup.

Well, Helen and I bought him a set of whodunit books. We didn't have to think

twice about what to buy him since he became such a mystery buff.

I got a mystery for him. He should solve the case of his missing hair.

Well, Louise, nothing is going to come close to your gift. You really outdid

yourself this year. Oh, thank you, Helen. I think so, too.

Say, why don't we all go in the living room?

George should be home any second. Over.

Well, then we got him Appointment with Death.

That's too bad. He's read that, too.

He has?

Well, how about that Edgar Thornton classic, The Captain Wore Nylons?

I'm afraid he's read that, too.

I wonder where George is.

In here waiting for a decent present.

How did you get in here?

Probably snuck in through the keyhole.

Hey, Clark, thanks for the seat.

Where is it?

I put it at the same place you put the mustache wax I gave you for your

birthday.

Come on, Weezy, where's my great present? Gimme, gimme, gimme.

Now, wait a minute. I thought the plan was to have our cake first.

Weezy, just put the cake in the trough for him and give him my present.

Go ahead, Weezy.

Give it to him.

And I'm not talking about his present.

Happy birthday, George.

Here.

An envelope?

What is it? What could I possibly want that would fit into an envelope?

A new suit?

A cruise, George. But not just any cruise.

We are booked on the inaugural launching of the Caribbean mystery ship. It's

brand new. You'll love it. You go out for three days on a yacht.

and the captain and the crew provide a made -up mystery, then you and the other

passengers try to solve it. Wheeze, this is great.

Not only that, but the other passengers are going to be some of the most famous

mystery writers in the world, your favorite.

And the fun will be to see who can solve the crime first.

Me and the greatest crime -solving minds in the world.

Yeah, it's kind of like Daffy Duck goes to Congress.

Great. Wait, the Willis was going with us?

No. This is fantastic.

Unless it would just be you, me, and Florence.

Florence? I don't know. Some of those sailors ain't seen a woman for years,

know.

Oh, but she'll be safe.

Just one thing, George.

In order to get you booked on this cruise, I had to tell everybody you were

mystery writer.

Do you think you'll be able to pull it off?

Me lie.

Hold it a minute, please.

I'll check.

Excuse me?

Tom, Helen, I'd like to say thank you for your presence, and you also are very

dear, dear friends.

Well, our pleasure, George.

Line is no problem.

Stuart?

Everything in order?

Oh, yes, sir. We've seen to every detail. I know how much you want our

voyage to be perfect. That's right.

Now, you can see from the passenger list that all our guests are distinguished,

sophisticated... and accustomed to nothing but the best.

Hello, Captain.

Nice tub you got here.

It's his birthday.

Oh, and I can see he's wearing all his presents.

Well, my name is Captain Marshall Monaghan, and this is my chief steward,

Garrity. George Jefferson, author of that classic bestseller, The Fifth War

Starts.

This is my wife, Louise, and this is Florence. We brought her along as shark

repellent.

It's a pleasure.

You know, I was in the Navy myself during the Korean War.

Sometimes I think if I'd stayed in, I'd have been a captain today myself.

And we'd all be speaking Korean.

Yes, well, now, if you'll forgive me, I must go and prepare for tonight's

mystery.

I hope you all have a very pleasant voyage. And good luck, Mr. Jefferson, at

solving our little crime.

Good luck, you say?

I just might have it solved before it's even started. I'm that good?

Yes, sir.

Whatever you say, sir.

Come on, George. Let's go to our cabin.

Not a chance, Weave. Some of the greatest mystery writers in the world

to be on this ship. And I want to see them all when they come on.

Oh, don't look, Weave. Where?

Over there.

It's Edgar Thornton, my most favorite writer of all time.

With any luck, this mystery cruise could turn into a pleasure cruise for me.

Not a chance, Florence. He's not carrying a white cane. Obviously, he

George, didn't you tell me that Edgar Thornton writes mysteries based on the

lives of real people? Yeah, he just changes the name. See, half of the fun

reading his books is finding out who the characters really are.

Say, Ed, in your book, Capital Caper...

Who did you base your main character on? You know, the president who got caught

spying on the other party during the election?

Was he real?

Yeah.

Are you?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

I'm George Jefferson, author of In My Nine, Dead by Five.

This is my wife, Louise, and this is our baggage, Florence.

Pleased to meet you.

He's nervous because he snuck on board for child's fair.

You know, I read your latest book and I loved it. What was your favorite part?

Your picture on the back.

Lawrence, you're charming.

And lovely.

Excuse me.

Kiss my hand.

Oh, yeah?

Medic!

I'm sorry if I'm being nosy, but what is that you have in the box? What are you

doing?

Yeah, Edgar, what's in the box?

Well, if you must know, it's my crime -solving kit.

And don't call me Edgar.

Oh, sorry, Thorny.

Mind if I take a look?

Nobody touches it but me.

It's locked, and I never let it out of my possession.

Well, good day.

Florence, I hope I'll be seeing more of you.

A lot less of you.

You see that, Weez? I won him over.

Yes, George. There was nothing but utmost respect in the way that he

you.

Oh, Weez, don't look, don't look.

What? Over there. Over there again? Yeah.

It's Andrew Derrick, my absolute favorite mystery writer of all time.

Is he the one who wrote those Broadway thrillers? Yeah, that's him.

Hey, Andy.

George Jefferson, right of bloodstains, no problem.

Crosses my way, wum.

No problem.

Forgive us, Mr. Jefferson. That gentleman is,

or should I say was, our second mate.

As you can see, he has a bit of a problem with alcohol, and that's

cannot abide on this ship.

Oh, second mate, huh? Hey, Florence, why don't you go stand next to him? I'll

take your picture.

For what?

That's the closest you're ever going to get to a mate.

I think I'll go to my cabin.

You know, you ought to feel quite at home in these waters.

Why? They're full of shrimp.

You never guessed who that is.

Oh, now let me guess.

He's your absolute favorite mystery writer of all time. That's right. How'd

know?

That's Max Steel. He writes those stupid, hard -picking, tough -guy

I know this guy's a monster.

Sir, there are no mice on board, are there?

A man's man, huh, George?

Hello, could you tell me my cabin number? My name is Audrey Bloom.

Audrey Bloom.

Hello, Miss Bloom.

I love your book. May I give you one suggestion?

You should take those terrific, smart, brave women heroes of yours and turn

into men.

It's more believable.

You are a Neanderthal.

Oh, thank you.

One thing.

For a woman, I think you're great.

Another thing. For a man, you're not.

I'm impressed, George.

You're sure making a lot of friends on this trip.

Charm, if it don't reward me.

Good afternoon.

I am Duchess Henrietta von Kohl.

This has got to be first class. The Duchess don't leave her castle for

I've got to talk to her. George, please.

Excuse me, Duchess.

Excuse me, but do you support the Duke, or does he support himself?

You, sir, are a twit.

And? A Neanderthal.

I shouldn't wonder.

I take it you have arranged the proper menu?

Oh, yes, ma 'am, absolutely.

Enjoy your cruise.

Thank you.

Menu? Well, she's diabetic. Her food has to be prepared a certain way.

Oh, well, if you want it burnt, you can hire my maid Florence to cook it.

Well, that's it. There are several other guests already on board. You'll be

meeting them all later tonight.

Oh.

You see that, Weas? I was worried about not getting along with these people. I'm

winning them over.

George, you were called a worm, a twit.

And a Neanderthal.

And never by a better class of people.

You know, George,

I'm really excited.

I can't wait until the mystery starts.

Oh, Miss Jefferson, guess what?

Mr. Thornton asked me to dinner tomorrow night. I think he likes me.

There's your mystery weed.

Excuse me, folks. I'm here to inform you that your presence is requested in the

salon. How come?

I'm afraid there's been a murder.

Whoa! It's about time. Come on, come on.

What happened here? It's my wife, Bertha.

Somebody's done her in.

Hey, who are you?

T .J. Wheeler, Texas millionaire.

I just can't stand the sight of my wife's curvaceous figure all slumped

But if you want to know who did it, just ask that lousy lawyer of mine. He was

having an affair with her.

Well,

all right, we were having an affair, but...

She was paying for my penthouse apartment. She was buying me things I

never afford.

I would never have killed her.

But if you want a suspect, talk to that secretary, Barbara Collins.

She was fooling around with Wheeler.

Aha!

Well, I certainly don't have to stand around here and take this.

Um, but the one who really had a motive was T .J.'s no -good crooked accountant.

I happen to know that Bertha discovered him embezzling and was just about to

expose him.

Uh -huh.

That's a lie. T .J. killed her. She had all the millions and he wanted it all

for himself.

Uh -huh.

All right, hold it right there.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

What we got?

That's a hair.

Been so long since he saw one, he forgot what they look like.

That's an interesting little puzzle, no?

No. Because I, George Jefferson, crime -solver extraordinaire, know who did.

Who, George?

It was her husband.

Oh? What makes you say that? It's obvious.

Take a look at that mug.

If you were married to this bat, wouldn't you kill her?

Hey!

You're not exactly a Valentino yourself, you little... Bertha!

Well... As you can see, this is the mystery we've arranged for you. And

supposed to be a corpse. We're paying you handsomely to lie there and do

nothing. We should have hired Florence for that.

As I was saying, this is your mystery.

You have four suspects and three days in which to solve the murder. The winner

will receive a trophy, along with the satisfaction of having outwitted his

and the mystery ship.

Edgar Thorne's opening up his crime -solving kit.

Wow. And to think you saw that without your magnifying glass.

What have you got in the box?

A magnifying glass?

Fingerprint powder.

Bordeaux, 59.

Wine?

I guess he'll solve no crime before it's time.

Aha! What have we here?

What is it?

A picture of the captain when he was in the Navy.

Yeah, what about it?

I was in the Navy.

Small world, huh?

brain, too.

It's nice to see George having a good time.

Quickly, everyone, look at this. There seem to be some initials engraved on the

knife.

Aren't you going to look, Duchess? No, no, no. The rest of you can run around

like rank amateurs, but I have seen all I need to see. You see here, it's

engraved on the handle, the initials B .C.

B .C.

B .C.

That's too obvious.

Look, that B .C. is easily traced.

The secretary's name was Barbara Collins.

B .C. Steel, you're pathetic.

If you'd been alert, you'd have realized the accountant had an accent that was

peculiar to Western Canada, probably British Columbia.

There's your B .C. I got it! I got it! Don't give it to me.

Okay.

B .C. stands for when the murder...

deflating the male egos in the room. I'm afraid you're all wrong. Now, a

successful lawyer would no doubt belong to the very prestigious Bellington Club.

And that's where the initials B .C. come from.

A noble effort, my dear, but alas, a futile one.

If any of you so -called sleuths had any powers of observation, you would have

noticed the burning cactus emblem on Mr. Wheeler's belt buckle. Now, that is

obviously the name of his ranch, and equally obviously from whence the

B .C. come. You are getting senile. That's the most inane thing I've ever

Well,

I don't understand why they are arguing like this.

Probably because they're competing with each other. We also happen to loathe

each other. Well, that's a relief.

I thought you were just fingling out my husband.

Well, I'm sure we will when we get to know him better.

Mr.

Thornton. Call me Edgar.

Call me any time.

Why do you call that wine bottle your mystery -solving kit?

Well, Florence...

I've always felt a good murder, like a good meal, should be savored with an

excellent wine.

It makes me think.

Just a sip cleared the cobwebs from my head.

Have you got a gallon for my boy?

I'd say that from the angle of the knife, the murderer was right -handed.

also had a strong stomach. Why?

Because he left the victim's face uncovered.

how much you're paying me. I'm not going to stand here and take any more insult

from that rodent.

Who cares?

I've seen dogs play dead better than her.

You know, Edgar, I think we might have a lot in common.

Really? Why?

Well, for instance, what do you think of my boss?

I think he's an idiot.

Well, there's one thing in common right there.

That's interesting.

Interesting? Well, I guess you could say I'm interesting.

But you haven't even scratched the surface.

Actually, I'm a very fascinating woman.

That's odd.

Well, there's nothing really odd about it.

I'm so interesting, you might want to write a book about me.

But then I guess that's why you were drawn to me in the first place.

Tell me, what was your first impression?

Well, that's rude.

I mean, if you didn't like me, all you had to do was say so.

Well, if that's the way you feel, you can take a flying loop.

Oh, what happened?

Oh, we were just talking and he keeled over.

I knew it finally would happen. Florence finally bored some poor guy to death.

We could drop some ice cubes down a Dutch's dress.

Oh, my God.

Hey, hey, is this all part of the game? I'm afraid this is no game.

Mr. Thornton's really dead.

Dead? Oh, my goodness.

Don't. It could be poison.

Oh, here.

Well, don't just stand there. Call the police.

We're 50 miles out at sea.

Well, pull over.

Who would want to kill poor Edgar?

I mean, he just met me.

Well, he did say they all loathed each other.

I'll notify the captain and check out this wine.

If it is poisoned, you should all be careful, because that means whoever the

murderer is, it's somebody in this room.

Well, don't look at me. I ain't no murderer. I can vouch for me and my

Ain't you forgetting somebody?

You were the closest one to him.

I'm afraid there's even more bad news. Listen to this.

Thornton was only the first.

Everyone in this room will die.

Thanks for the trip, ween.