Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on up. Moving on up. Too deep down. Moving on up.

Looking for this?

Oh, Florence, here.

George asked me to give you your paycheck.

Oh, good.

A couple of more of these and I can buy that pack of sugarless gum I saw in the

window.

Louise, do you think we should go over to Mr.

Johansson's around 2 o 'clock?

Okay.

Oh, Mr.

Johansson. Ain't that that nice, outgoing counselor y 'all got down at

center? Yes, he was nice and outgoing.

That is, until he met Mrs. Goldberg with her anthropophobia.

Her amphi -who?

Anthropophobia. That's a fear of people. You see, Mr.

Johansson went to counsel Mrs. Goldberg, and after she told him about her fears,

he went home and hasn't come out from under his bed in six weeks.

Well, that phobia sounds pretty bad, but I got one that's worse.

What's that?

Pee -wee phobia.

Fear of Mr. Jefferson.

Damn.

What the matter? Did the newspaper start using five -letter words in the

crossword puzzle?

Look at this, Weas.

Look.

Dead raccoon gets parking ticket.

No.

Blue... I cleaned his prices last.

So? So, it's raining in the desert.

The ocean's drying up.

Civilization as we know it today has ended.

Really?

Gee, in that case, I shouldn't have bothered to give up saccharin.

Okay, go ahead and laugh. You think it's hilarious that your husband's being run

out of business?

Okay, see if you laugh when you're running naked down the street begging

soup.

Now, George, you've been in price wars, and you've never lost much business, and

your clients are loyal to you.

Wow, look at these prices.

From now on, I'm going to Blue Sky Cleaners.

George.

Why don't you just lower your prices, too?

Look, if I lower my prices, that means I've got to cut the quality.

And I don't believe in stabbing my customers in the back. Oh, well, good

you, George.

Unless I can figure out a way to do it without them noticing it.

Like pants, okay.

I can cut the prices in half if I can figure out a way to clean just the

outsides.

George. why don't you have a meeting with Blue Sky Cleaners and talk out your

differences? Look, Weave, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but that

suggestion borders on stupidity.

As an intelligent businessman, the smart thing for me to do is to get in touch

with Blue Sky Cleaners and talk out our differences.

Somehow, the way you put it, it sounds so obvious.

Sorry I butted in.

It's all right, Weave. Everything balances out.

See, business is my territory, and you, uh, well, you always manage to look

good.

Helen, I'm scared.

Why?

I married that man.

I'm glad you called this meeting, Mr. Jefferson. If you hadn't, I would have.

So you're ready to call off the price war, huh?

Ah, I know it's just a matter of time before blue skies clears with surrender.

Surrender. Look, don't blame yourself, son.

You just took on more than you can handle.

See, you tangle with George, I take no prisoners, Jefferson.

Mr. Jefferson, could we get to the reason I came here today?

Oh, yeah, sure. Sit down.

Okay, now.

You came here to talk turkey, and I am the head turkey.

Look, this is what I figured out.

Like, there's enough dirt in this town for the two of us.

We want to buy you out. So, you clean the dirt on your side.

Say what?

We're prepared to make you a generous offer.

Buy me out? I should be buying you out.

Mr. Jefferson, we have 39 stores. You have seven.

What's your point?

We're bigger than you are.

Now, I've taken the liberty of drawing up some figures.

I, uh...

I believe these are your assets.

That's right.

And these are ours.

Again, what's your point?

We're much bigger than you are.

And I might add we are completely computerized.

Big deal. Look, Jefferson Cleaners only needs one computer.

Can your computer process... Five million bits of information in 4 .2

milliseconds.

The joke's on you. We don't have five million bits of information.

Look, it's nothing personal, Jefferson.

But you're a dinosaur.

People want speed, efficiency.

Face it.

It's a young man's game.

Now, why don't you just take the grandkids and the little woman down to

Enjoy your golden years.

I bet you're a whiz at checkers, huh? I hate checkers.

Come on, Jefferson. Retire with grace.

Her name is Louise.

And she likes me to work.

I see.

Well, why don't you sign the sales agreement while you still have a few

of dignity?

That's what you can do with your contract, too.

I take it this means no.

No. It's more than that. This means war.

I'm ready to fight you cuff to cuff, collar to collar, crease to crease. I'm

ready to fight you in the tumble dryer. I'm ready to fight you in the steam

presser. I'm ready to fight you until your starch goes limp.

Very well.

But I'm warning you, Mr. Jefferson, it's only a matter of time until we force

you out of business. You see, there's no way you can match our latest promotion.

Oh, yeah? You want to bet?

What do you have in mind?

We're holding a millionth customer contest. This is Big Jefferson.

Headlines all over town.

That's big to you?

You call that promotion, huh?

That's cute.

Look, Winslow, I could out -promote you any day.

If that's the way you want it. That's right.

And you and your company are going to be sorry you ever met me. Believe me, most

people are.

Fleet Boat Talent Agency, I'd like to place a large order, please.

Now, listen up, everybody.

Jefferson Cleaners' latest promotion is to go down in history as the Carnival of

Cleaning. Thank you very much.

Thanks for the sandwiches, Florence.

Well, I thought you might get hungry while you were organizing everybody for

your family portrait.

Very funny.

Okay, now.

Everybody line up.

Lion Tamer, you stand next to Strong Man.

Strong Man.

You stand next to Alligator Woman.

Now, everybody's going to be

interviewed separately, okay?

You guys are Siamese twins, right?

Okay.

We'll start with you, Lou.

Ed, you can grab a seat and relax, okay?

Okay, okay.

Wait, what do you two guys do?

Okay, we'll talk about it.

Come on, Mr. Johansson.

Come on.

Come on.

Mr.

Johansson, isn't it nice being out from under your bed?

Oh, sure it is.

You're making marvelous progress.

We came clear across town and you didn't faint once.

The hard part is over now.

We're going to help you get over your fear of people in no time.

what are these people doing in our apartment?

Oh, they're auditioning for the Jefferson Clean's latest promotion,

make everybody forget about Blue Sky's millionth customer promotion.

Do you realize that Helen just dragged a kicking, screaming wild man up to her

apartment? Oh, that must have been Guido the Gorilla Man.

He wasn't supposed to be here till 3 o 'clock.

George, this has gone too far. When will it end?

At 5 .15.

Right after Floyd, the human flypaper.

What? What did you do? Relax, take it easy.

Hey, very good, very good.

Um, let's see, what's, uh... Oh, yeah, uh, look, um, sorry, but we don't have

any wild animals, right? So, uh, my maid's in the kitchen. Maybe you

Louise!

What in the world is going on here? Poor Mr.

Johansson is upstairs hiding in our broom closet.

I don't have time to explain, Helen. I've got to get down to Blue Sky

right away.

You're leaving me alone with a trembling Swede?

I have to. Since George won't listen to reason, maybe the people in Blue Sky

Cleaners will.

Take a number. He'll be right with you.

about you being the millionth customer of Mr. Jefferson's biggest competitor.

I could die laughing.

You want some lemonade?

Thank you.

Tell me, what am I going to do with a new TV, videotape recorder, and camera?

Offhand, I'd say, give them to me.

Do you realize that George is going to kill me?

Oh, Miss Jefferson, why are you always looking on the bad side?

I mean, there's got to be a bright side to you winning this contest.

Like what?

George is going to go nuts when he finds out.

There's one right there.

I'm sorry, Miss Jefferson, but I think you're just feeling guilty about winning

all those prizes.

That's right, I am.

Well, if that's what I'm here for, give them to me. them to me.

Lawrence, aren't you being a little greedy?

Yeah. I get a poppity kind of doubt that to Popo.

Well, let's get in here.

George, I'd rather not.

Look, Willis, I don't feel like arguing about it. Now, be a man and come on in.

Jefferson Cleaners.

What? You know, he's sort of like the Goodyear blimp of dry cleaning.

George, what happened to Floyd the Human Flypaper?

He got stuck in traffic.

Guys, these little circus acts are boring. Now, you take a fat man in a

Now, that's advertising.

Oh,

come on, George.

I only agreed to try the box on. I feel a little sillier.

A little silly?

Well, Look in your mirror. You're way beyond silly.

Oh, I'm Mr. Starch. Hey, thank you for your pants.

And while we get them nice and clean, I'll do a little dance.

intelligent book publisher.

Yes.

Why are you in a box?

Well, George said that we were good friends and that good friends should do

things for each other.

Well, what's he doing for you?

Hey.

Look, Willis, don't pay no attention to her. Sit down.

Mind if I stand?

Well, whatever.

Look, Willis.

I want to say something to you that I've never said to another human being.

Will you be my Mr. Starch?

Does Mr.

Starch mean that much to you?

He means as much to me as Mr. Pizza means to you.

Of course, I had no idea.

Can I count on you, old buddy?

Call me Mr.

Starch. All right.

Hi, Louise.

Hi.

Oh, my God.

Thomas Woodrow Willis, you come out of there this instant.

Woodrow.

Hi, honey.

Hey, love your hair.

Hey, hate your butt.

What are you doing in there?

I'm Mr. Starch.

Now, just listen, Tom.

I just spent two hours prying a man out of our broom closet and throwing him,

screaming, into a subway. I am in no mood for Mr. Starch.

Helen, you threw poor Mr.

Johansson on the subway?

Don't you start with me, Louise.

You left me here with a bearded woman who kept going...

children in a box.

That's why I threw Mr. Johansson out of the closet, to make room in there for

me.

Come on, Tom.

We'll use the freight elevator.

Come on, Mr.

Starchos. Thank you.

Later for him, Weas.

A guy like that would make Mr. Starchos look ridiculous.

Hey, picture this.

Mr. Dutch.

George,

sit down.

Now that we're alone, there's something I want to tell you.

Remember I said that things between you and Blue Sky Cleaners

had gotten out of hand?

Well, I went down there to... Can I say something to you?

Thank God for you.

Huh?

No, every night I thank my lucky stars that I married somebody as loyal and

faithful as you.

Oh.

Yeah, we, you know, it's like, like you and me against the world.

They even wrote a song about that.

I forget the title, though.

Well, what I'm trying to say is,

You are my rock.

Oh.

You know, like, without you, I'd completely break down.

Oh, we... Oh,

what were you going to tell me?

Uh... Uh, I was just going to mention that I've always thought

that corn is an underrated vegetable.

That's what you were going to tell me?

Yes. And I thank you for being there when I needed to say it.

Oh, why don't you just sit back and read the evening paper?

Take your mind off all this.

My rock, Louise.

You're my rock.

I just want to talk, that's all.

Talk? Oh, yes.

Communication is the key to a successful marriage.

Well, start communicating.

Well, I'm all talked out.

Excuse me, please.

I want to see if Blue Sky Cleaners has any more advertising.

Coupon. They are offering two cents off on houseboats.

I'll get it later.

You sure you're feeling all right?

Let's go in the other room and watch TV.

Oh, George, that's a great idea.

Look at that. New Sky King has finally found his one millionth customer.

Big change.

Do this to me.

Oh.

George, I'm so sorry. It was an accident.

Well, I didn't mean to be the millionth customer.

I mean, it's not so bad, is it? I mean, the worst they can do is run

an ad saying Jefferson's wife.

Likes our store better.

Now, what does that really say?

Oh, George, I feel so terrible.

Oh, forget it.

Forget it?

You mean you're not going to yell at me?

Why should I?

Damage is done.

Oh, George.

Look, don't worry about it. I mean, it's not your fault.

Well, it is.

Who really cares?

George, what are you saying?

Well, I'm just saying that blue sky cleaners is beating me out.

I mean, dry cleaning is a young man's game.

What are you talking about, George?

I'm just saying that George Jefferson is going to retire.