Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on up. Moving on up. Too deep down. Moving on up. Too deep.

street if it wasn't the law against littering.

What? Louise, may I borrow your blue scarf?

Louise, if you're a true friend, you will not lend her that scarf.

Do you know what she wants it for?

What? She intends to wear it.

You wouldn't.

Oh, yes.

Helen is going out with an old boyfriend.

It's just a little lunch.

There's no such thing. Sing us a little lunch. Not if you order it, Willis.

Get out of here, both of you.

George! Oh, come on, we see high news coming off. That's my most favorite

program of all time.

Tom, there's nothing wrong with a woman seeing an old friend.

It sounds perfectly innocent to me.

Innocent? Ha!

Let me read you this letter.

Dear Helen.

Dear, that kills me.

I've thought about you often over the years. Can't wait to see you and renew

old friendship.

And here's the worst part.

Love, Darryl Hampton.

Innocent, huh? This man is after your bod.

Tom, I'm telling you, he's just a friend.

Oh, sure.

Oh, come on, Miss Willis. Don't you think it's possible for a man and a

be friends with no romance involved?

No.

Possible, Tom.

Florence is a perfect example.

There's absolutely no romance in any of her relationships.

Come, Helen.

I'll get you that scarf.

Florence, would you mind leaving us alone for a minute? I'd like to have a

-to -man talk with George.

Well, okay, but you're one man short.

And I do mean short.

George, what do you think I should do?

Well, it's obvious, Willis. You should fight the guy.

Oh, no, I couldn't do that.

Well, go ahead and lose your wife.

You really think I could lose her?

Well, look, let's put it this way. Who cares?

But, George... Shh, it's high noon.

See, see, Clyde, Clyde, that song's kind of sad. Don't you know anything

happier? Sure.

Great guys have got it clear out.

Clyde, Clyde, hold it, Clyde.

This here's the old west.

That song ain't been written yet.

Oh, oh.

Oh, my darling.

Oh, my darling.

Oh, my darling.

Hey, bring me a beer. I worked up a powerful thirst to punching cows all

Yeah, well, from the look of your face, you lost a few rounds.

I'll play something pretty. Miss Wheezy's a -comin'.

me a terrible problem.

Well, that happens to a lot of wranglers after sitting in the saddle too long.

No, no, it's not this.

Now, you know I'm the best darn cowpoke west of the Pecos, but, you know, lately

I just can't seem to relate to my cattle.

Well, here's a pamphlet that might help.

You're a heifer in you.

And you come by on Thursday night.

Some of the cowpokes like to get together with their livestock and just

Miss Weasley, Miss Weasley, I'm much obliged.

Thank you, Miss Weasley. I'm much obliged.

Hey, Charlie.

Here. You know, that's some woman there.

I wouldn't mind putting my brand on her myself.

Yeah, well, I wouldn't do that if I were you, partner.

Why, she belongs to the roughest, toughest, meanest, and shortest hombre.

a real grave.

Howdy, Ralph.

That was my favorite undertaking.

Well, business is a little slow, sir. Oh, really?

Well,

you know, that goes to being the fastest gun in the West.

Make that the second fastest, Baldy.

All right.

Slap leather, Florence.

What's wrong with you? All I said was how's the weather, Florence?

I want to talk to you about last night.

Yeah, what about it?

Well, there are times it's a little frustrating when you're married to the

fastest gun in the West.

Later, weasel.

What's up, Charlie?

Yes, sir.

What'll it be?

Give me the usual. Banana dacquoise. In a dirty glass.

Yes, sir. The usual dirty banana?

You got it. Yes, sir.

George,

you've been so busy killing off the townspeople that I hardly get to see you

anymore. I wish we had a normal life like those lovebirds.

The Willises.

Now, just one minute, Helen. You're going too far. Why were you weakening at

Otis, the telegraph operator?

Oh, Tom, he's just a friend.

And Sven, the blacksmith?

and would never go out with another man.

Bye, Helen!

Bye!

Who's Myra?

He's just a friend.

Oh, Father!

Why, it's Miss Jenny, the prettiest little filly this side of...

see that, my child.

Dear Helen.

Dear, that kills me.

I've thought about you often over the years. Can't wait to see you and renew

old friendship.

And here's the worst part.

Love. Pecos Daryl.

P .S. I'm gonna kill your husband.

What does this mean?

I guess there's only one thing I can do.

Set him up, Charlie.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Mr. Willis, I think you've had enough, sir.

I'll be the judge of that.

Okay, sir.

You're the boss.

take your wife away from you?

What do you intend to do about it?

Well, I've got half a mind to write a letter to my congressman. You write

one thing. You do have half a mind.

Well, what should I do?

You should call him out.

You should have a showdown, you and him.

We're in the Old West, remember?

Look at our clothes.

Oh, yeah.

Look, trust me. You should fight for your wife.

You're right.

So you're really going to fight this killer, eh, Mr. Willis?

Uh, you bet I am. Well, don't you worry about a thing, sir.

This Pecos Daryl may be fast, but you're an extra large, I think.

Listen, Clyde, you still got the box that piano came in?

Whoops, I just remembered. I don't own a gun.

Hey, home.

There you got one.

Gee, thanks, George, but wait a minute. There's one other problem.

I don't know how to use it.

Don't worry about it. That's my specialty.

All right.

I want three of you men from that table to stand over there and put a glass on

your head.

watch it carefully.

First thing you got to do is relax.

It doesn't seem to be working right, huh?

Don't worry about it. We got two hours. By that time, I'll teach you to be the

fastest gunfighter in the West.

about your heart.

I don't think you should have gotten involved.

Oh, no, ma 'am, Miss Louise.

This is terrific. My business is going through the roof.

But on the other hand, what a friend's fault.

Oh, Mr.

Jefferson.

Now, how could you have done this to my father?

Why, he's always been a gentle man, a kind man, a compassionate man.

I'm gonna die

to gun down a yellow -bellied polecat named Willis at noon.

Oh, yeah, well, let me tell you something. You are dealing with the

yellow -bellied polecat I have ever seen.

Hey, everybody, Tom Willis is a -coming, and he looks like his feathers are...

Sir, pink eye, but thanks for asking.

Tell Wide Ride over there I'm going to chew him up and spit him out.

Yeah, Wide Ride.

He goes down here and says he's going to chew you up and spit you out.

Oh, yeah?

Well, tell Bigfoot over there he better start making tracks while there's still

time.

He said you better start making tracks while there's still time.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you tell him I'm going to fill him full of holes.

He told me to tell you he's going to fill you full of holes.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you tell him that if he kills me, you're going to gun him down like a...

He said, good luck.

Well, let's get to it.

Well,

of course, it would be better if we faced each other.

No, no, no, I'll move over there.

Go for your gun.

That's wide right to you.

I'm calling you out. Now draw.

Tom!

What's going on here?

Well, sweetheart, I'm trying to defend your honor.

What's left of it.

But Uber Cheeks, why are you wearing that Indian headdress?

Oh, Tom.

Matches are just good friends.

Darryl.

Long time no see.

How about lunch?

Stay in about five minutes.

Hey, lunch. That sounds terrific.

Draw. Oh, right. Sorry.

Oh, Tom, don't do this.

Stand back, Ellen.

A man's got to do what a man's got to do.

for the use of the hall.

And I'd like to thank all the little people.

You already thanked Mr.

Jefferson.

And, of course, my lovely wife.

You turned my stomach.

By telling her, honey, you seem unhappy.

I'm disgusted.

The man I married was a gentle man, a loving man, not some old...

Macho meathead.

He solves his problems with a gun.

But, honey lips, I was afraid he would take you away from me.

What? Don't you give me any credit? I mean, after all we've been through, I'd

never let Daryl do that.

That Gary Cooper was really a man's man. I bet you if he was alive, he'd have

been a dry cleaner.

Come on, well, stand up. I'm going to show you how to defend yourself.

What? Oh,

just a minute, George.

Helen, get out of here.

What are you doing?

I'm going to handle this my way.

What is it, Tom?

Helen, I've thought this thing through, and I've reached my decision.

You're going out with that Daryl, whatever his name is, and you're going

a good time with him this afternoon, whether you like it or not.

Well, I... don't like it. And how dare you order me around?

What did you say?

Oh, I'm sorry, honey. I acted that way. I trust you. I mean, I have no right to

tell you whom you can see and whom you can't.

I have faith in our relationship.

And I have faith in you.

Oh, Tom.

We should get to Tom's.

George, get lost.

I've learned my lesson.

And I promise that no matter how big, strong, and handsome this guy Daryl is,

will not be jealous of him.

Daryl! Oh,

you haven't changed a bit.

Neither have you.

Oh, Daryl. Hampton, I want you to meet my friends, George and Louise Jefferson.

Hello. And this is my husband, Tom

Willis. Hello, Daryl.

Oh, I kept you so long. I mean, why be such a stranger?

Helen has been looking forward to this.

Pleased to meet you.

Oh, look, me casasucas, okay, fella?

Tom, will you be joining Helen and me for lunch?

Oh, no, no, no.

You two have a lot to talk about by yourselves.

No, you just run along and have a terrific lunch. I mean terrific. Make it

lunch of the century.

Have a great time.

Bye -bye.