Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on up, moving on up, to the sun, moving on up, to a

deluxe apartment in the sky.

I'm sorry, Weas.

Well, now that you're up, how about it?

How about it?

Just like that?

I mean, this is your idea of romance?

Did you ever consider trying a little tenderness?

Like whispering in my ear or even kissing me a little bit?

Look, Weezy, if I had that much time to kill, I'd go make myself a sandwich.

Forget about it. I'll just go back to sleep.

Rise and shine, Romeo.

Now you woke me up and you're going to stay up with me.

Ain't you being kind of inconsiderate?

Well, you know how much trouble I had falling asleep.

Now I'm going to be up all night.

Look, Weezy, will you stop worrying about Lionel and Jenny? They're fine.

Lots of people get robbed.

Just be glad they wasn't home when it happened.

But they live in a security building.

If it could happen to them, it could happen to us. It's frightening.

Tomorrow I'll get us a foolproof security system.

What kind is that?

I'll put Florence's picture on the front door.

George, it's the front door.

You think it could be Florence?

No, she's spending the night with her friend Vera.

Oh, man, why couldn't Florence and Vera be here? Those two faces together are

better than the SWAT team.

It's the burglar. A burglar? Let's go tell him we ain't home.

George, what are we going to do?

Call the cops.

Come on, Wheeze. I can't. What?

You remember yesterday when we had that big argument and I stormed in here and

slammed the door? Yeah.

Well, I was so mad that I kind of ripped the phone from the wall.

Well, they're coming to fix it tomorrow.

Oh, we... I'm going out there.

But, George... Don't try to stop me, Weezy.

But, George... A man's supposed to protect his home.

But George... It's a man's duty to defend his family.

Oh, but what if... What if the one that's out there has a gun?

We're going to die, Weez.

George, we can't just sit here.

Right, I'm going.

Not without me, you're not.

Okay, the two of us go.

But not unarmed. Find yourself a weapon.

Easy. We're supposed to be on the same side, remember?

right where I want her.

I thought you were spending the night at Vera's. Well, I was, but we had a

disagreement. You know, her boyfriend showed up, and do you know she invited

to spend the night? Child,

you know me. I sure wasn't going to say it.

I'm sorry, Mr. Jefferson. It just felt so natural.

Next time you mess with me, you know, man, I'll be so lucky.

Now I'll never be able to go back to sleep.

As long as we are, let's have some hot chocolate. Oh, that's a good idea.

Wait a minute, Blanche.

What was that for?

My new security system.

Blanche, you should have seen it.

I don't think George has ever been more terrified.

Oh, we should forget about the time I was looking at Florence's baby pictures.

Her hair stood up on the back of my neck.

It had to, to be able to see your bald spot.

It's Sammy.

Everybody freeze!

Sammy, what are you doing?

Well, it sounded like trouble in here. I wanted to help.

Then why'd you bother to ring the bell?

Well, I couldn't just barge in.

That wouldn't be polite.

Are you afraid of guns, Florence?

No, it ain't the guns. It's the bullets that come out of them that worry me.

See that, Weezy? That's what we need. If we had one of those babies, we wouldn't

have to worry about nobody bothering us. Oh, that's ridiculous.

No, it ain't. We should have a gun. I feel safer. Well, I absolutely refuse to

stay under the same roof with a gun. You hear that, Weezy? Now we gotta get a

gun.

No, George.

Oh, come on, Weezy. Open your eyes and look around you. We are living in crazy

times. One out of every four people is a psychopath.

One, two, three.

George is right about one thing, Louise.

You watch the news.

All they talk about is robberies, muggings, a murder.

Yeah, Lionel and Jenny just got robbed.

The Willifers got robbed last year. Almost everybody you talk to's gotten

robbed. Yeah, and look what happened to Greendale's grocery store.

What happened?

They doubled the price of melons.

Okay, I'll do it.

So?

The Greendales took in so much extra money that they got robbed, too.

And they wouldn't have if they had a gun to protect them.

George, you don't understand.

If you have a gun around, you're just looking for something awful to happen.

What's so awful about a man wanting to protect his family?

Louise, I used to feel the way you do, but I'm not a young man anymore.

I live alone now, and frankly, I fear for my safety.

That's it, Louise. We've got to get a gun.

No. This whole subject has gone far enough.

Now, I absolutely forbid you to bring a gun into our home. But, Weezy. No buts

about it. I mean it.

I'm going to bed now. Sweetheart.

No, that subject is closed.

Finish. But, darling. No.

But I'm doing it for you.

That's all right. Quick draw.

You don't need a gun.

You can always shoot off your mouth.

working down in your bar?

Well, sir, you know, in all the years I've known you, I've never made a social

call, so I thought I'd drop by just to say hi, pal to pal, buddy to buddy,

friend to friend. You want me to pay my bar bill, right? You got it.

Come on in. Thank you, sir.

See, my accountant's on vacation.

All my bills are piling up. I was just working on it. Oh, hey, Mr. Jefferson,

it's not that I need the money or anything.

Well, it's just that, you know, all the kids have been on my back about getting

them some food.

You know, winter's coming on, so the wife is whining about heat.

Yeah,

I got the message. How much do I owe you? Oh, great.

Here's the tab, sir.

Okay, I'll write you a check. Thank you.

Hey, nice bar you got here.

Kind of a beginner's model, huh? Yeah.

How about a drink?

Oh, allow me, Mr. Jefferson.

Sure, thanks, John.

Great. What do you have, usual?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, Charlie.

Sir.

You got a minute to talk?

That's what I'm here for.

I'll step right up.

Peanuts? Yeah, don't mind if I do.

Say, Charlie.

Sir. When you're working, you never worry about being robbed?

Robbed? Nah.

Twit? Yeah, true.

I mean, no, but wouldn't you feel safe if you had a gun to protect you?

No, Mr. Jefferson.

If somebody robs my bar, all they're going to get is money.

Now, you can always replace money, but you can't replace people.

So where you need a gun is in your home to protect your family.

Exactly.

A man's supposed to defend his loved ones, right? Right.

Yeah. Hey, you know, I know this guy.

He's a good friend of mine. His wife won't let him keep a gun in the house.

Hmm. Sounds to me like your friend's a real wimp.

What?

I mean, is?

Well, see, I got this theory.

By the way I see it, A woman's a woman, and a man's a man.

Got a point there.

Well, I've always been kind of deep, you know.

Well, anyway, if I were you, I'd tell this spineless friend of yours to stop

letting his wife push him around.

I mean, if this guy wants a gun in his home, let him go out and buy one.

Right. Right.

Uh, there is just one thing, sir.

What? If I were you, I, uh, I wouldn't tell Mrs. Jefferson you bought it.

Thanks, Charlie.

Oh, thanks, Mr. Jefferson. Keep the change.

Great.

Stop by again, sir. See you later.

What a guy. What a

guy.

Oh, don't worry, Dolores. I know I have them somewhere.

What was I looking for?

Gee, Sammy.

Listen, you're not getting nervous, are you? Me?

You mean fizzling Sammy Gelson nervous?

Oh, surely, you jest.

What was I looking for again?

Oh, hi there, George.

Sammy, hey, how you doing, Sammy?

Oh, here are my keys.

Dolores, wait for me inside, will you?

Okay.

Oh, don't be too long. I've got to get back to the salon by tomorrow afternoon.

George, I need help.

Have you tried oysters?

George, I don't know how to read women.

Well, I always preferred the Braille method myself.

I only met this girl, Dolores, 15 minutes ago.

As soon as she found out that I write commercials, she's been all over me.

Wow, tough break.

Whatever happened to good old -fashioned courtship?

Whatever happened to good old -fashioned women?

That's why I wish Agnes hadn't left me.

Agnes was an old -fashioned woman.

Agnes was an old woman.

Well, life is tough, George.

Over -anxious, beautiful young things throwing themselves at you every time

turn around.

Do you think that's fun?

Well, it used to be.

Well, I hope I get through this okay.

How'd it go down at the gun shop?

Not so good. I gotta wait forever to get a permit before they'll sell me a gun.

By that time, I could be killed ten times.

Well, don't worry.

They say the last nine are a lot easier.

Look what's happening to my life.

I'm nothing but a piece of meat.

Hey!

Okay, what can I do for you?

I got something that you want.

What are you whispering about? Speak up. You want to buy a gun?

I followed you here from the gun shop. I noticed how disappointed you were when

you found out you had to wait for a permit. So, uh...

Maybe I can help you out.

What do you sell, guns, door -to -door?

Yeah, now.

I mean, in the 60s, it was peace medallions. In the 70s, it was mood

Now it's the 80s, and everybody wants guns.

Take a look at my merchandise?

Yeah, sure.

Just remember, I don't know your name, and you don't know mine.

Oh, sorry.

I'm George Jefferson.

Theodore Boswell. Nice to meet you.

Okay.

Feast your eyes on this baby. It's the Walther P38. Heavy alloy, semi

with a 9mm parabellum.

Very, very dependable.

This one here, that's its first cousin, the PPKS.

.380 caliber, double or single action. It's easy to clean. Just move the slide,

pull up the trigger housing, and release it forward.

Well?

Don't you have a metal one that shoots bullets?

Oh, a connoisseur, huh?

No, no, I just want an American -made one.

Okay, I think this one is right up your alley. It's metal.

It does shoot bullets.

Even you can fire it.

Well, what do you think?

I don't know.

Ain't that kind of illegal?

Hey, so's what a burglar can do to you if you don't have one.

Right.

I gotta wait forever to buy a gun to protect myself from a guy who's breaking

the law anyway, right? Yeah.

And the cops can't be everywhere at the same time, right? Yeah.

And ain't nobody gonna protect me and mine but me, right? Hey, if you were

selling, I'd be buying.

250 bucks.

What do you say?

Okay, I'll take it. You accept check?

No way.

But I do accept major credit cards.

Say, do you mind if I use your phone?

No, help yourself.

Thanks.

Yeah, um, card number 438... 2762...

I think everything's okay. Why don't you just sign right

here?

Well, George, it's been a real pleasure doing business with you. Yeah.

Thank you a lot.

You know, I really appreciate this. I feel safer already.

That's good.

That's good.

Listen, I like to do something special for my new customers.

So, here.

Have a mood ring on me.

Peace.

You know something?

This town ain't big enough for the two of us.

Slap leather, Florence.

the ugly.

Yeah, we could hear it all the way down the hall.

Oh, I didn't tell you. My stores are running a Clint Eastwood promotion.

in a dirty poncho, you get half off.

Yeah, that's your grandpa.

Too bad you didn't know him before senility set in.

Hi, Jessica.

Give your wealthy grandpa a great big smile.

I'm just a little tired, George.

We've been shopping all morning trying to replace some of the things that were

stolen from Lionel and Jenny's. Yeah, let's show them what we got.

Why don't you show me the kitchen?

Why the kitchen?

Well, you got kitchen stuff, don't you?

Yes.

Well, every room is named for what you do in it. You live in the living room.

You go to bed in the bedroom.

You take a bath in the bathroom.

So let's go kitchen to kitchen.

Okay, George.

And after that...

We'll drive you to Bellevue and watch you rub in the rubber room.

Good one, Weas.

I'll be right in.

Oh, God.

Mr.

Jefferson, how come you're acting so strange? Strange?

Yes. What were you up to out there?

Up to?

George, must you answer every question with a question?

Question?

Okay.

You're hiding something.

What did you do? Did you burn another hole in my sofa?

No. Flood the bathroom?

No.

I know. You locked Florence in the boiler room again.

No, but good thought.

It's just something I want to talk to you about, but I don't know how to bring

it up.

Oh, well, maybe it would be better if I left. No, no, no, no. It's not about you

this time.

I really think we ought to get a gun.

Oh, George, not again.

Yes, again.

But we've gone over this before.

I thought we had it settled.

It ain't settled.

This is important to me. Weeds are going to make me feel safe in my own house.

Maybe you'll feel safe, but I'll be terrified.

Look, this is my house, and I do whatever I want.

Can I?

Oh, please.

No.

You're not being reasonable. No.

Can't we talk this over like adults?

No.

George, don't you realize guns kill people?

Guns don't kill people. People kill people.

Mr. Jefferson, that bumper sticker philosophy.

Oh, yeah. Well, let me tell you something, young lady. There's a lot of

be found on the back of a Buick.

Jessica!

Jessica! Jessica!

Oh, she's okay. She's okay. She's just scared.

Give it to me.

What's this doing here?

Where did this gun come from?

Oh, dear God, George, you didn't.

Weezy, it was an accident. I mean, I didn't know she was going to get a hold

it, I swear.

Jen, you got to believe me. I didn't mean... Look, Weezy, I was just trying

protect my family.

I didn't think that... That's right.

You didn't think.

Yeah, you're right. I didn't think.

Look, I'm sorry.

Wheezy, the gun goes.

I swear.

I'll take it to the police. It'll never hurt anybody again.

Jenny, can I hold her?

Please?

Hmm.