Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on up, moving on up, to the sun, moving on up, to a

deluxe apartment in the sky.

pushy but you're the maid and you're just sitting there reading i'm the

and i'm doing all the dusting now let me ask you do you notice anything wrong

you missed a spot what miss jefferson my

standards are high now if you're gonna do my work for me at least do it right i

mean really

Florence, you cooking dinner tonight?

Mm -hmm. Well, you better get started. You only got six hours left to burn it

up.

Don't forget, George, you promised to take Ralph to lunch today.

Oh, no.

A promise is a promise. You are not going to weasel out of this.

I ain't trying to weasel out of it. Look, if he calls, just tell him I

Florence and they took me to the hospital and had my toes uncurled.

Why don't you just tell Ralph that Mr. Jefferson donated his body to science

they sent it back stamped reject?

George, Ralph has been looking forward to this lunch. It's his own special day.

Look, you mean his own special invention.

Who ever heard of National Dormant Day?

He probably made that up.

He didn't make it up. It's right there on the calendar.

And who gave us the calendar?

It was a Christmas gift.

Some Ralph.

Forget it, Wheezy. Look, I don't want to go. I ain't got nothing in common with

the man.

I don't answer doors.

I'll get it.

Oh, hi.

Out of my way, George.

What's wrong, Helen? It's Tom.

What, did you get the bill from his diner club?

All Tom thinks about is himself.

When he comes home, all he wants to talk about is his work. He never asks me

about what I do. What do you do?

I work at the help center, George.

Oh, ain't you involved in that thing, Louise?

Yes, George, for the last five years.

See, I thought I remembered that. See, we communicate.

Louise, I'm so frustrated.

I've been trying to tell Tom about the new project that I've been working on

lately. But it's a wonderful project.

I know.

But Tom doesn't seem interested at all.

When he comes home, all he wants to talk about is that silly book that he's

working on, The Miracle of Snoring.

Oh, you think you've got problems, huh?

I've got to have lunch today with Ralph on National Doorman's Day.

Oh, this is National Doorman's Day?

On our calendars, not until next month.

You hear that, Weas?

I knew it was a racket.

You're going, George.

Listen, Helen, why don't we have a cup of coffee and talk this over?

Oh, I can't, Louise. I'm running late.

Oh, by the way, if Tom asks, which he won't, I'll be down at the help center

working on that new project that he's not interested in.

Who cares?

Oh, George, your tie is loose.

Oh!

believe the way she acted? She deserves to be married to Willis.

George, this is serious.

Helen's my best friend. I can't remember the last time I saw her so upset.

Florence, did you hear what Helen just said?

Mm -mm. I was in the kitchen minding my own business.

Well, listen, George. But if Mr. Willis don't start paying more attention to his

wife...

Marriage is all over.

I thought you were minding your own business.

Well, I was till I heard the juicy part.

Now, let me tell you what I think. Of course, now, I ain't never been married.

And you never will be if there's a God.

Oh, there's a God, all right. And you're the way he celebrates April Fool's Day.

Anyway, Miss Jefferson, one thing I do know.

is that when a man stops paying attention to his wife, it's all over.

You think so?

Yep. Just like my daddy used to say. When a man stops paying attention to his

wife, it's all over.

Florence, that's the doorbell.

Yeah, somebody must have pushed it.

Hello, Mrs. Jefferson.

Oh, hello, Ralph.

Come in.

Greetings, Mr. Jefferson, sir.

I've been looking forward to this all year.

Look, Ralph, unfortunately, I'm not going to be able to celebrate National

Dormant's Day.

Why not?

Because I don't want to.

Well, I understand, sir. You don't want to be seen with me. After all, you're a

rich, influential tenant, and I'm just a lowly doormat. I mean, doorman.

No, no, Ralph, that's not it. That's all right, sir.

Even the lowly groundhog has his holiday, but...

Not Ralph Hart.

Well, at least now I know my place in the universe.

Somewhere beneath rodent.

George, take him to lunch. Okay, okay.

Fine, sir. I thought we might try this modest little French restaurant.

It's the perfect place to celebrate National Doorman's Day. Oh, yeah, that

reminds me, Ralph. How many of those calendars did you give out last

Oh, let me see. One for each tenant.

About 365.

Way beneath Rodenweezy. Way beneath.

So, this is how the other half lives.

I hope we can get a good table.

Leave it up to me.

Two for lunch.

Do you have a reservation?

No.

Well, I'm sorry, sir, but we won't be able to accommodate you.

But you don't know who I am.

And I don't care to.

Ah, Monsieur Ralph.

I didn't know this gentleman was with you.

Will you require your usual table?

May we, Alphonse?

I'm sure the senator won't mind moving.

You've been here before, haven't you, Ralph?

Now that you mention it, sir, last summer the doorman's union held their

clam bake here.

Your table is ready.

Merci.

Who's that all about?

Alphonse thinks you're a TV star.

Oh, really?

Yes, sir.

I love it when you say, the plain pasta.

Bon appétit.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate this, sir.

Dining with you in a place like this, it's, well, it's the thrill of a

Hold that thought, Ralph.

Martin J. Bradshaw III, he owns one of the largest textile companies in this

country. Oh.

Oh, I'd give anything to meet him.

Really?

Let me introduce you.

Hey, Marty.

Ralph.

Ralph, you old son of a gun. Marty, you old dog, you.

How's the wife and kids? Oh, Barb's fine. And you know, Chip, he's growing

a weed.

Oh, say, Ralph, let me buy a drink for you and your friend.

Your money's no good here.

Waiter, send Mr.

Bradshaw's check to our table.

You don't mind, do you, sir?

Mind? Why should I mind? There were only six of them.

Say, Ralph, you haven't sold your beach house in the Virgin Islands, have you?

And lose a neighbor like you?

Perish the thought.

Hey, Ralph, I'm paying for the guy's meal. The least you could have done was

introduce me to him.

Oh, you know how it happens sometimes, sir. I meant to introduce you, but...

I forgot your name.

Oh, Mark.

What's the matter?

We have a situation developing at table four.

Right behind you.

Helen Willis. And that's not Tom Willis with either.

She told us she was going to the health center.

Looks like she's getting her help somewhere else.

It's good that Willis wasn't paying enough attention to her, but I didn't

things would have gotten this bad.

She's actually having an affair, Ralph.

And the most depressing thing of all, it had to happen on National Doorman's

Day.

I know what I saw. I'm telling you she was with another man. They're having an

affair. You know what's even worse?

What? Ralph is loaded.

Forget Ralph. I want to hear about Helen.

I mean, that other situation.

Yeah, me too.

What?

Florence, this is kind of private.

Would you mind going to the kitchen?

Uh -uh. Then I'd have to strain to here.

If there's going to be some dirt, I don't want to miss it.

I'm telling you, Weezy, she's too time.

George, this isn't the place to discuss.

Greta and Heinrich's problem.

Greta and Heinrich?

Yes, you know Greta and Heinrich. We were just talking about them.

Is Heinrich fat?

I just can't believe Greta's sneaking around behind

Heinrich's back.

I thought of my own two eyes.

I can't believe she'd do such a thing. I know Greta. She's my best friend. Well,

my best friend is... What's his name again?

Heinrich.

Heinrich. That's him.

And I can't see nobody making a monkey out of my best friend, so I gotta tell

him what's going on.

But, George, I don't think... Oh, excuse me. I'll go in my room so y 'all can

talk freely.

Thank you.

Hmm. But I'm gonna tell you one thing.

If Heinrich don't start paying more attention to what Greta's doing down at

help center, the Willis is married to...

I'm glad she's gone. Anyway, Wheeze, I gotta tell him what's going on. I can't

let Greta make a fool out of him.

Uh, George, we can use their real names now.

Oh, yeah. Well, look, I gotta tell Tom that Helen's fooling around behind his

back. How can you? You don't have any proof. Proof? I overheard him say they

were going to meet at the same restaurant again tomorrow.

But, George, they could be going for some perfectly innocent reason.

Uh -uh, Wheeze. They had champagne.

Oh, well.

Like, you remember that time we took Lionel to the zoo and we saw Andy Panda

looking at Samantha Panda with those eyes?

Yes, but I don't... Well, Helen had Andy Panda eyes.

Well, George, suppose this is true, which I don't think it is.

It's none of our business.

So promise me you won't tell him.

Okay, I promise I won't tell him.

I'll show him.

Table

for

two. Ah, monsieur, do you have a reservation?

No, but... Then I'm sorry I cannot accommodate you.

Can you accommodate me for $10?

No.

Can you accommodate me for $20?

No. The plane, boss. The plane.

I have

a very special table for you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Bon appétit. Same to you.

This is a pretty fancy restaurant, George.

Why did you bring me here?

Well, it's a good place to eat.

Besides, I have something I want to show you. Not tell you. Show you.

Boy, you're going to see something.

I don't understand, George.

Oh, you will, Willis. You will.

Take a look around and see if you see anything interesting.

Oh, I can't tear my eyes away from this menu.

Have you tried the bouillabaisse?

Willis. Will you look around the restaurant and see if you can find your

Helen?

Oh, yeah.

Well, I have to go over and say hello after we order.

Did you notice anything strange?

Yes, I don't have the prime ribs in the hungry man's cut.

Now that I have your attention, will you listen to me?

There's something I've got to explain to you about your wife.

When the cat's away, the mice will play.

What? The grass is always greener on the other side.

Huh? There's gonna be a hot time in the old town tonight.

I beg your pardon? Your wife is cheating on you.

What? What are you talking about?

Well, Helen wouldn't cheat on me. She loves me.

Besides, what possible reason could she have for having an affair with another

man? Look.

She told me and Weezy that you weren't paying enough attention to her.

But Helen knows I've been busy. Well, as you can see, she's been busy, too.

Oh,

there must be some other explanation for this.

Well, why would she want another man?

Take a good look at that guy, Willis.

Now take a look at yourself.

She's leaving me.

George, what should I do?

Well, I know what I would do if it was my wife. I'd go over there and beat the

hell out of the guy.

You're right.

Push has come to shove.

I'm about to lose someone I love, my wife. That's right. I'm not about to let

her go without a fight. Good.

If the waiter comes, tell him I'll have the bouillabaisse.

Hello,

Helen. Oh, Tom, what a surprise.

Yes, I'll bet it is.

I'd like you to meet... Save the names. I'll deal with you later, woman.

You, sir, stand up.

No.

All right, then we'll duke it out sitting down.

Who is this man?

Well, usually he's my husband, Tom Willis.

Tom, this is called David. I know what's going on between you and my wife. What

are you talking about?

This doesn't concern you.

waiting for you outside.

And if you're a man, you'll be there.

Oh, George, I've changed my mind. Order me a steak.

And make it rare.

Oh, Carl, I have to apologize.

That's a strange man you've got there.

Believe me, I've never seen Tom act like that before.

I can't understand what's come over him.

Oh.

Now I understand what's come over him.

Well, well, well.

So, you got caught with your hand in the cookie jar, huh, son?

You cheap bigelow.

That's gigolo. He admits it.

George, what's going on here?

As if you didn't know.

How could you?

I admit your husband's not that much.

He may not be the best looking guy in the world.

Lord knows he's not the thinnest.

But he's a decent man and a loyal man. He would never hurt you the way you're

hurting him.

Now, what you got to say for yourself?

George, I've been helping Carl set up the new marriage counseling program at

help center. We just came here to celebrate.

Oh.

You're a marriage counselor?

Yep. Then why don't you counsel this woman's husband?

He's a hothead.

He's always jumping to conclusions. I tried to tell him. I said, look, it's

nothing going on between the two of them.

You think he'd listen to me?

No.

Well, no harm done. Later, bro.

So, he thinks he can make a fool of me, huh? Willis, I gotta talk to you. What?

Wait, no, no. I'm in with you. What?

Carl,

I've never been so embarrassed.

Believe me, Tom would never act like that on his own.

What about that other guy?

George?

Well, let's just say that every day is a full moon for him.

Excuse me, I've got to go settle this.

No, wait, Helen.

As long as he thinks we're having an affair, let's not disappoint him.

What?

I'm very attracted to you, Helen.

I want you.

For what?

I've tried to imagine what your husband was like, and now that I've met him, I

know you're ready to have an affair.

What are you talking about?

I'm a marriage counselor.

You told me your husband wasn't paying enough attention to you. That's a danger

sign. Helen, you're signaling me that you'd like to have an affair.

I am?

Let's not kid ourselves.

We're adults.

There's a nice hotel around the corner.

I'll do some of my best counseling under the sheet.

What do you think?

Man, you touch me and you're history.

Hi.

Look who's here. Mr. Egg on my face. Tom. No, no, Helen. I just talked to

George. He explained the whole thing.

But Tom. No, no. I was wrong.

I mean, I made a fool of myself as usual. Please, Carl, go right ahead with

plans.

By the way, I love what you're planning to do with my wife.

You do?

Tom. Helen, now, you know I have to work late Tuesday night, so if you two need

to get together, use the apartment.

Hey, thanks, pal.

Sweetheart, I know I haven't been paying much attention to your activities

lately, but I want to know everything about what you two do.

And once you're settled in, I want to see some pictures.

He wanted to take me to a hotel.

Well, fine.

Fine, fine.

Oh, I'll tell you what. Let me make up for the way I behaved today.

You want to use a hotel?

Let me pay for the room.

This man just made a pass at me.

Fine, fine. Whatever you... Say what?

Baby, you just blew a good thing.

Did you make a pass at my wife?

I sure did, man. You ought to try it sometime.

Well, that's it.

You better stand up this time, because I want to see you fall a long way.

Come on, man, lighten up. You got a good -looking woman here. If you can't take

care of her, someone else has to.

Get up.

Tom, don't do this.

He's not worth it. Put him up.

George!

Okay?

Let's do it.

Listen, I want you to know that I'm not a violent man.

But you've driven me this far, and there's no turning back now.

Put him up. Tom, please. Oh, no, Helen. A man's got to do what a man's got to

do. Now stand aside.

Put him up.

You know, I want you to know that I've learned a very valuable lesson today.

Oh, yes, I have. A husband has to pay attention to his wife.

I mean, marriage is a partnership, and what's important to one partner should

important to the other partner. Now, that's true. As a marriage counselor,

found... Oh, trying to weasel out of this, huh?

Why don't you quit stalling? Put them off.

Look,

I can't take any more of this. I don't know about you, but I'm an emotional

wreck. I'll tell you what. Let's just say that we've had it out, and you've

okay?

Well, I... Let it go, Tom.

Well, all right, Helen, but I still say... Ow!

All right, it's over.

Well, now, get out of here. All right, all right, all right.

But, uh, baby, if you change your mind... Oh,

you're wonderful.

Oh,

honey, I was so scared he was going to hurt you.

Not half as scared as I was.

Helen, I want to make you a promise. From now on, whatever interests you,

interests me, okay?

Okay. Oh, come on, let's go home, Rocky.

Oh, George, I've changed my mind again. Cancel my order. I'm in training.

Hmm.