Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on up. We're moving on up.

In a minute.

You better hurry up. My motor's running.

Put it in park, George. I'm almost there.

Come on, we've been writing that thing every day for a month.

Why you gotta keep a diary? anyway?

Because I want to start recording the years as they pass.

But that's like getting at a parade late. All the good stuff already marched

by.

What you got in there anyway?

Stuff.

Well, look, could you be a little more specific?

It's just stuff.

Oh, about me?

Some. Oh, oh, I know. It's like how great I am and how great I treat you,

What's that supposed to mean?

What's in there with you?

Stuff.

Okay, write what you want.

Okay.

I'll give you ten bucks.

No, George.

This diary is very personal.

It's for my eyes only. Can you understand that?

Yeah. What the hell are you hiding in there?

Anything. Trust me.

Trust you? We've been married for 30 years. We're beyond trust.

George, drop it.

Let's try to get them sleep.

We have a busy day tomorrow. You promised to help me do the spring

we... Well, we can't put it off any longer.

Now, Mr. Bentley is doing his spring cleaning, and so are we.

Okay, I'll do it.

Forget about my diary.

We should be thinking about other things.

Turn out the light, George.

No!

Don't you feel frisky?

No.

Okay, you're lost.

throw out some of this junk. Weasley, this ain't junk.

Then what do you call this?

It's an antique.

Say aloha, George.

Oh, Weasley, look. My first price is from the first original Jefferson

Oh, that's wonderful.

Toss it.

Toss it, Weasley. Look, this thing is history.

This price just has a lot of sentimental value for me.

Look at this.

Shirt, laundered and starched, 25 cents.

Pants pressed, 35 cents.

Boy, in those days, those guys could really martinize.

Ah, memories.

I'm sure you will miss it. Come on, Weezy, don't throw it away. It's like a

friend. Well, then it's time for your friend to move out and evict all the

of this stuff with him.

Weezy, I can't throw all this good stuff out.

Okay. I will.

Under one condition.

What?

You let me read the diary.

George, I thought we put that subject to rest last night.

The only thing that rested last night was you.

I couldn't sleep a wink.

No wonder.

You were too busy planning commando raids on my knights.

Okay.

Let's put it this way.

You let me read your diary, I'll let you read mine.

You don't have a diary.

Okay, I'll read yours and we'll call it even.

Why is it so important for you to read my diary?

Because you've got something in there you don't want me to see.

George, you've got nothing to worry about. You can trust me.

And to show you how much I trust you, I'm going to the help center.

Now, and I'm leaving my diary in my nightstand.

Oh.

Which drawer?

George promised you won't look.

If you trust me, you wouldn't make me promise.

I know.

And if you trust me, you won't be afraid to promise I can trust you to trust me.

Okay. But if you trust me as much as you say you do...

then you wouldn't say you don't trust me, and you wouldn't make me promise to

trust you that you trust me.

Balls in your court, leaves.

Stay away from my diary.

Game, set, match.

Oh,

hello. Oh, hi, Mr. Bedley.

Oh, well, how's the spring cleaning coming?

Oh, marvelously. I found lots of old and useless things lying around my

apartment. Let some of your relatives come over.

Look, George, Mr. Bentley has no problem throwing away his old junk.

Well, actually, I'm returning this old junk. It belongs to you.

Oh.

George, help Mr. Bentley with this stuff and put the things that you want in one

box and the things you want to get rid of in the other box.

Then what?

Throw both boxes away.

Look, Bentley, I want to talk to you about marriage.

Well, I'm very flattered, Mr. J, but you're already spoken for.

That's a good one, isn't it?

Shut up, Bentley.

Look, I've got a question to ask you.

What is the most important thing about a marriage?

A good sex life.

What's the second most important thing?

Good conversation.

Why? Because good conversation can lead to a good sex life.

Okay, but not keeping secrets and being open is in the top ten, right?

Well, I should suppose so, yeah. That's all I want to hear.

You know, your question reminds me of a neighbor of mine back in Bristol,

England. Thurston Twilley. Now, Thurston was an older man who married a young

and beautiful girl.

The entire neighborhood gossiped about the fact that she'd married him for

and not for love, and that she had a string of young men on the side. But

Thurston chose to ignore those rumors, and he trusted her completely.

Well, she was very grateful for this, and can you guess why?

No, I was sure you couldn't.

So that you had enough time to empty his bank account and run off with the

mailman.

That's a good story, Bentley.

Thank you, Mr. J. It's one of my most requested.

What have you got there?

Nothing but a diary.

George!

Huh?

I got all the way to the lobby before I realized I forgot this.

Oh, well, now you got it by, Weasley.

Well, haven't you dumped that stuff yet?

Oh, allow me, Mr. J. I'll get it down to the trash chute.

No, you can't, Bentley. Oh, of course I can, Mr. J. I'm stronger than I look.

No, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.

George, what's wrong?

I'm tired, Mr. J., Mrs. J.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

George, you look guilty.

I do? That's not guilt, Weasley. My shorts are just tight.

Did you look at my diary?

I swear I never read a word, Weasley.

Now, why don't you hurry up and get out to the help center?

But what's the rush?

Because there's a lot of helpless people down there, and you're supposed to be

helping them, so get out there and help. Oh, don't I get a little kiss?

Oh, here.

I feel like I just went through a car wash.

Come on, Weasley, you're going to be late.

Oh, excuse me, Mrs. J. I didn't see your turn signal. Turn signal, boy, I'm hot

today.

Where's the stuff?

Oh, well, I'd say right about now it's going by the third floor, the second

floor, first floor, lobby, flat.

It's in the trash bin, Mr. J.

Damn, that diary better be down here.

Oh, it's here, Mr. J. I have no doubt.

You know, with a little carpeting and a few nice pictures, this could be a very

attractive little room.

Look, decorate later, Bentley.

Here, give me a tent.

Right -o, Mr. J.

Okay. How many?

Whoops, no!

Hey, are you all right?

Just give me a hand. I'll help you out. Oh, that's all right. I'll use the

ladder.

Okay, now look.

Now you know why we're here, right? So start digging in.

Okay?

Mr. J.

Huh? What is that?

I don't know what it is, but somebody had the guts to eat half of it.

a sanitation worker who was an expert garbologist, and he told me you can tell

great deal about a person from what he throws away.

Yeah, you sure can.

I can just tell by this ice cream carton that about an hour ago, Tom Willis had

dessert.

Watch out!

Mr.

J., I've never experienced live combat, but I've defected.

a little like this.

Oh, look.

What, you got it? You got it.

No, someone must have thrown away a batch of old Playboy magazines.

Oh, buddy, forget about the Playboys. Look at my diary.

March 21st. Had a brief but very romantic rendezvous with Erwin the

It was wonderful.

Thank goodness George was late, as it was he and Erwin passed each other in

hall.

This is more serious than I thought, Bentley.

I must say, that didn't sound like Mrs. J.

Of course it didn't sound like her. I'm the one reading it.

It isn't enough. They charge an arm and a leg.

No, no, no. This can't be true.

I don't know, Mr. J. Ordinarily, I'd agree with you. But you know Mrs. J.

lies.

Yeah, you're right.

Now, if she wrote that she's cheating on you, she's cheating on you. At least

you can take comfort in that.

Yeah. There's more, too.

Thursday the 22nd.

Told George I was going to the help center.

Instead, I visited Jerome at his garage. I know we don't have a car.

But, Lord, I need it to tune up.

This is horrible, Bentley.

It certainly is. Your wife cheating on your plumber.

And that Jerome trauma tune -up. All that kind of stuff.

Wait till I get my hands on it.

I wouldn't worry about her, Mr. J. I doubt very much if she's lonely.

Bentley, didn't you know the door was locked?

Of course. That's why I brought the key. The key? Well, where is it? Well, it's

right in the door on the other side.

worry so much about those characters, Erwin and Jerome.

Why not?

Because your real threat is this fellow in the next page, Bob.

Bob!

I'm going through the trash.

Oh, that's very dangerous, Mr. J. No, it ain't. I just go up to the first floor,

then I take the elevator all the way up.

Well, it's still a very courageous act. You know, it may not be much

consolation, but I want you to know that I think your wife is cheating on one

hell of a fella.

Look, just help me.

Okay, Mr. J.

Alley -oop.

Ah!

There you go.

Careful.

You all right, Mr. J?

Yeah, Mr. Bentley.

This ain't as bad as I thought.

try this day.

Mr.

Jefferson. Where is it? Mr. Bentley.

Ralph. Hey, you better watch out, sir.

I was dumping Mrs.

Garrity's trash for her on the first floor and I just saw an enormous rat.

Don't worry about it.

The rat was me.

Oh. Well, I thought he had a nice smile.

We were locked in here. Thank God you showed up. Oh, is that right, sir?

Well, I'm sure glad I could be of service.

That's what I'm here for.

Here you are. Thanks.

But I just threw this out.

Well, one of your playmates?

Well, this is for Irwin.

This is for Jerome.

And this is for Bob.

George, what's the matter with you? What are you screaming about? What am I

screaming about? I'll tell you what I'm screaming about.

This.

George,

you took my diary, and I thought I could trust you. And lucky for me, you...

March 22nd, I visited Jerome at his garage.

The 23rd, Bob asked me to divorce George and marry him.

You need to hear more? You want to hear more? Of course there is.

The 24th, George, I planted this fake diary because I knew you'd...

lesson, George.

You should be ashamed, are you?

Well, are you?

Now what do you have to say for yourself, George?

What's for dinner?

George?

George, this is my real.

Would you like to hear what I wrote in it last night?

No, we just... March

24th.

Tomorrow, George and I will be doing our spring cleaning, going through the

closet filled with old things from all our years together.

It's got me thinking about the past, about how blessed I am to have lived

wonderful, full life.

But a thoughtful, hardworking, loving man like George.

I'm the luckiest woman alive.

I'm a real beautiful guy, aren't we?

But you didn't trust me, George, when it came right down to it.

You didn't trust me.

Oh, I'm sorry. I just went crazy.

I just wanted to see what was in there. I just love you so much.

I just want to know everything about you.

I know.

But when people are close like we are, we have to have some privacy.

Can you understand that now?

Yeah, you're right, Weave.

I mean, I should have known.

If there's anybody in the world I can trust, it's you.

Thank you, George.

And I'm sorry about your gift.

Whatever it is, I'll buy you a new one.

I don't think you can.

You see, I custom framed the price list from the first Jefferson cleaners. What?

Please.