Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on up, moving on up, to the east side, moving on up, to a

deep...

Play money makes him drool.

Come on, baby.

Daddy needs a new pair of shoes.

Eleven.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.

You skipped over all my hotels.

The accommodations didn't appeal to me.

Okay, hey, you go ahead and laugh, will you? But you can't hide out at the B &O

Railroad forever.

Okay?

Who cares? It's only a game.

Congratulations, Mr. Willis.

Hi, Mom, Pop. Mom, Pop, Florence.

Oh, my Lord.

I just ran over to get that cookbook you said you'd loaned Jenny.

You ran all the way over here for a cookbook?

Hey, after the meal Jenny made last night, no distance is too far.

I'll see if I can find the book for you.

That shouldn't be hard. It's the only thing in the kitchen you haven't burned.

Come to think of it, it might be in the bathroom.

Bathroom? Yeah, it could be one of the books Mr. Jefferson stands on to reach

the saint.

Well,

Jenny tells me that you've signed up for next week's marathon.

Yeah. Marathon?

You going to be answering telephones for Jerry Lewis?

That's a telethon, George.

A marathon's a 26 -mile race.

What? You go to about 26 miles?

Are you crazy?

Huh? Do you know how far 26 miles is?

That's about twice around Willard.

Here you go, Len. Oh, thanks, Swans.

I see everybody. I got to run.

Can't you stay a while?

No, every run in New York comes out about now.

If I don't get going, it'll be Adidas to Adidas all the way home.

Bye.

has the right idea. Running is a terrific sport.

Now, how would you know?

I've done my share of it. I was on the track team in college.

Oh, what were you, one of the high hurdles?

George, Tom used to be in great shape.

What do you mean, used to be? I still am.

You ran out of breath going around the Monopoly board.

Well, at least my legs don't look like they belong in a bucket at Colonel

Sanders.

Look, my legs could outrun those logs of yours any day.

Could not. Could to.

Couldn't. Could. Couldn't, couldn't, couldn't. All right, that's true. If we

out in the hallway right now, I'd race you down the hallway.

Well, that's hardly a test of endurance. How about down the hallway and back?

Better than that.

We'll race you down the block, unless you're afraid of sweat.

I'm not afraid of it. anything.

Well, let's go to Central Park, and I'll race you around the reservoir a few

times. Okay, look, you're such a hot shot. We're racing that thing next week

with Jerry Lewis.

You're on. You've got yourself a race. All right.

Are you kidding? Neither one of you guys can run 26 miles.

Look, I won't have to. Whoever runs the farthest wins, and the shape he's in, I

only got to run 10 yards.

Oh, yeah?

Well, come on, Helen. I've got some training to do.

Chicken legs.

Hippo hips.

I can't wait. I'm going to kill him. I'm going to leave him in the dust.

Just make sure to leave your will where I can find it.

Don't worry about me. Worry about the spectators.

Why? Because when Willis collapses, who knows how many innocent bystanders are

going to be crushed to death.

Well,

so long, George. We're off to the health center.

That must be some training diet you're on, George.

Shouldn't you be working out?

I am working out. I'm eating Florence's cake.

Lifting it is like pumping iron.

Here's your whipped cream.

Florence,

George is going to run in that marathon soon.

Whipped cream and cake won't help him.

I know.

I have a bet on Mr. Willis.

What? You bet on Willis? Knowing that I'm a natural athlete?

Knowing that I have been blessed with the reflexes of a cat?

Knowing that I never give up?

You bet on Willis?

Everything I own.

George, Helen said...

Tom is serious about this race.

He's even rented equipment to help get himself in shape. He ain't got to rent

equipment. All he's got to do is tie a stick to his head and put a Twinkie on

the front of it.

Laugh if you want to, George, but Tom's even put himself on a special diet. Oh,

I'm scared.

I'm going to go out and buy some boots so I can shake in them.

I'll show you how scared I am.

George would win with ease if his feet ran like his mouth.

Here you go.

I can't. I think I can. I think I can.

Oh, thank goodness.

George,

I didn't expect to see you till the race.

Yeah, well, you know, I figured I'd just run upstairs and see how you're doing.

Don't mind me.

I'll just eat this cake.

Don't do this, George.

What?

I'll just watch you work out while I eat this rich.

Delicious cake with three layers of thick frosting.

This is really low.

See how the fork just glides?

And the way the chocolate glistens with beads of moisture.

Go ahead, Willis. Suck it down.

No, I won't be tempted.

I do need energy, though.

Oh, I think I'll have a tall, cool glass of raw eggs. Cake's got eggs in it.

George, why don't you stop trying to sabotage me and start getting into

I don't have to get into shape. I'm in shape.

Oh.

George, are you all right? Yeah, that felt better. This run is terrific.

Oh, what are you looking at?

The agony of defeat.

Ain't that something you should be doing?

Mm -hmm. I should be down at the bank borrowing some more money to bet on Mr.

Willis.

George, are you sure you're all right? Yeah, Whizzy!

Well, George, when I hear a man shriek in agony, I usually feel he's in pain.

Oh, see, that's your trouble. He's always jumping to conclusion.

Lionel, will you tell your father that he's going overboard trying to beat Tom

Willis? Pop, you're going overboard trying to beat Tom Willis.

Listen to your son, George.

Lionel, tell your mother she should be glad I'm taking an interest in physical

fitness. Mommy should be glad he's taking an interest in physical fitness.

Listen to your son, Willis.

Look, I got to go.

See, I want to get a few more hours running so I can build up an appetite.

See, Jenny's trying to want a new recipe tonight, and it'll help if I'm

starving. No need to walk me to the door, Pop.

Bye. Go on, Lionel.

George, you are acting like a child.

If you had any sense, you would get together with Tom and call this thing

Neither one of you is in shape.

Yeah, maybe right, Weezy. I'm in shape.

I'm a running machine.

But I should be thinking about poor Willis. I mean, he's probably got aches

pains all over that wide load.

Yeah. In interest of his health, maybe I'll let him off the hook.

Do you mean that? Sure.

If Tom agrees to drop out, you'll cancel this whole thing?

Why not? I don't want to be known as George the Widowmaker.

Oh, that's wonderful.

I'll run up and tell Helen. Oh, George, you're doing the right thing, and I'm so

proud of you.

Even my face hurts.

Hi, Helen.

Hi, Louise.

Welcome to Jack Mullane's.

Boy, Tom really went to town.

No, he went to bed.

He's in pain.

So is George.

Oh, you know, Louise, this thing has really gotten out of hand.

Well, I have good news. I spoke to George, and if it's okay with Tom, he's

willing to call the race off. Oh, Louise, that's wonderful.

I'm sure Tom will agree.

I hope so.

I've really been worried about this race.

So have I.

competitive. Oh, I don't know.

But can you picture Tom and George trying to run 26 miles?

Not without laughing.

That would have been some sight.

Yes, especially George.

Especially George.

Well, George is not in the greatest shape.

That's true.

But neither is Tom.

Well, you're right. But Tom has had athletic training. And George hasn't.

But you'd never know that by looking at Tom now.

Well, I don't exactly remember seeing mussel sprouting on George's scrawny

little body.

Yeah? Well, at least my husband doesn't have his clothes made by Goodyear.

Well, thank goodness Tom doesn't have skinny little legs like George.

You could pick your teeth with those sticks.

Yeah?

Well, at least when my husband goes to the beach... he doesn't have to cover

harpoon scars.

Well, it is too bad that George weaseled out of the race because Tom would have

creamed him.

Only if he sat on him.

Well, I guess we'll never know, will we?

Oh, yes, we will.

Because George is running Sunday.

You just make sure you tow your husband there.

What do you want?

Didn't Wheezy tell you the good news?

I'm letting the great white dope drop out of the race.

I just couldn't really let him thank me personally.

George, the race is on.

What, Wheezy? Shut up. This doesn't concern you.

See those legs?

Yeah, you get Tom out here.

There she blows.

Move it, George.

You got work to do. I ain't got no work to do. Oh, yes, you do. And don't worry

about the elevator.

You're taking the stairs.

Pick them up, boys.

Come in,

Ralph. It's open.

Come on in, Ralph. The door is open.

It's open!

The door is open!

Excuse me, sir. Did you say the door was open?

What do you mean?

It was supposed to be an hour ago. Oh, sir, you don't know the trouble I had to

go through to get this map. The phone calls I had to make, the places I had to

go. Never mind that. Just show me the map. Yes, sir.

Look, don't worry about it. Florence is off and Weezer's at the help center. Oh,

that's very good, sir. Now, okay.

This is the map of Central Park. The red line is the route of the race. Uh -huh.

Right there is the starting point.

Okay, now, this is exactly what we're going to do, okay?

As soon as the race starts...

I'll sprint ahead and run about a mile, then I'll duck into these bushes where

you'll be hiding.

Bushes? Oh, sir, there may be poison ivy. It makes me break out something

Can I tell you you're getting $100 for this? I'll buy some lotion.

Okay.

Once I get into the bushes, we'll cut across this trail out to this road right

here where you'll have a cab waiting.

We'll get in the cab, then we'll go to lunch at Grimaldi's restaurant here.

Okay?

Okay, now, after dessert and a good cigar, there'll kill some time at this

right here, because I could use me a couple of new suits.

Uh, sir, I can't help but noticing how close we'll be to Radio City.

You want to see the Rockettes?

I love those women.

This is a race, Ralph. Take it seriously.

Okay, man, after I pay for the suit, I'm going to jump in another cab, and we'll

go to this point right here, which is just short of the finish line.

Then I'll sprint across real quick and wait for Willis to be carried on on a

stretcher.

Oh, sir, that's a great plan. I feel like a spy.

Look, don't blab about this to nobody.

I don't want Willis finding out about it. Oh, he won't learn a thing from me,

sir. No, sir.

He can threaten me, beat me, stick bamboo splints under my fingernail, but

he'll get from me is my name, rank, and union card number. I'm a rock, sir. Go

ahead, Will.

Hi, George.

Oh, hi, Ralph.

Ralph Hart Dorman, union card number 4826.

What are you doing here? I thought you were going to be all day at the help

center. I was, but I couldn't stand listening to Helen anymore.

Whenever anyone walked through the door, she'd start bragging about Tom.

I couldn't get a word in edgewise about you.

What's behind your back? Huh?

Oh, this is Ralph.

Eat this.

Ralph?

Isn't that a map? Ralph Hart, doorman, union card number 4826.

Yes, it's a map, Weezy. Look, Ralph's vacation is coming up, and I was just

giving him some advice on where to spend it.

But this looks like a map of Central Park.

Times are hard for poor Ralph.

Maybe next year it'll be Yellowstone Park.

Hold it, you two!

George, this is a map of the marathon route.

He made me do it. I didn't want to help him cheat in the race. I'm just a pawn.

Ignore him, Wheezy. He's just delirious because he just lost a hundred dollar

tip. Oh, I'm sorry. She forced it out of me.

George, I don't understand.

Oh, wow, Wheezy. Boy, what a dress.

It's great. I love it.

It's so green.

George, I'm ashamed of you.

You were going to cheat on this race.

So what?

So I believed you when you told me you could outrun Tom.

I can.

you'll do it fair and square.

Fair and square?

Yes, George. Promise me you won't leave the course.

Okay, Weasley, I promise.

Oh.

I promise I won't leave the course. Oh, thank you, George.

Ralph, look, I just came up with plan B.

Stop your crying, Ralph. You'll get your $100.

What was that?

How the hell should I know?

Willis, you idiot. I think you sat on a snake.

Sir, it's me, Ralph.

Ralph, what are you doing here?

Ralph, can't you do nothing right? You're supposed to meet me back at the

-mile point.

But, sir, this is the one -mile point.

Did you bring the stuff?

Yes, sir. Right here.

Give me.

Hey, that's oxygen.

Well, go to sleep, Willis. You dream.

Can't use that. That's cheating.

Give me some.

Get your own.

Sir, you know, you'll never believe the trouble I went through to get this

thing. Oh, please, Ralph, not now.

Well, sir, it's a lot heavier than it looks, and I'm not as young as I used to

be.

What if I give you some for your troubles?

If you insist.

Okay, you give me the oxygen.

When we get back home, I'll give you $25.

$25. Thank you, Sue. You're very generous. I'll give you 50.

I have $75. Do I hear $100?

$100.

$150. $175.

$200. $200.

I'm sorry, sir. Thank you again.

If you need anything else, I'll be at Radio City.

Hey, give me that and you'll suck all the air out of me.

Well,

here we go again.

And may the best man win. Yeah, I will.

Okay.

Get ready. Ready.

Get set.

Go!

Blister! Blister!

You all right, Tom?

Oh, Whis, what are you doing here?

What are you doing down there?

Oh, Whis, I got real bad cramps in my legs. I mean, bad cramps. Well, then

running and they'll go away.

This is your chance, Tom. Get up!

Oh,

stop whining, you big baby.

Come on, George, stop running.

I can't run.

Well, then crawl, George, crawl.

I got cramps in my family birth.

Here, you race.

Here, Helen.

Stick it.

You think the girls will be okay?

Sure.

Running's good for you.

Hey, there's nothing hanging about here.

What do you say we go get a bite to eat?

Well, sounds good to me.

I thought it would.