Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on up, moving on up, to the east side, moving on up, to a

deep...

We'll be leaving as soon as Helen gets here. Oh, good.

Anytime Helen gets here is a good time to leave.

George. I was only kidding, Weasley. I just want to make sure all you women are

out of the house before the football game starts.

Um, that must be Helen now.

Shut up, George.

I didn't say anything.

I know. Just keep that until you need it.

I thought you had her.

Oh, no, I thought you had her.

Oh, well, guess she's gone. Better start working on a new one.

I'm just kidding, Pop. It's you.

It was pretty good to have you over here today.

Oh, Jessica had a doctor's appointment.

So while we were in the neighborhood, we decided to stop by.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, but don't get too close. The doctor thinks you've got a flight cold.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah, he said she's going to be fine, but her ears are going to fall off.

Terrible.

Then she's going to grow feathers and quack like a duck.

Oh, that's wonderful.

What?

Oh, she has a little cold, so be careful.

Oh.

Hey, I thought I heard you two. Hi, Florence.

How's Jessica? Don't get too close. She's got a cold.

Oh, ain't she cute?

Uh -huh. She looks just like me, doesn't she?

I can't tell. Her mouth is closed.

Look who's here.

Mom, Dad.

My little grandchild.

Hi, Jessica.

My, she's getting so big.

Where? She looks just like my baby picture.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Jessica looks just like my baby picture.

Oh, I think she looks just like my baby picture.

Well, I think she looks just like... Helen's baby picture.

Come on, she's got a part of all of us, isn't her?

Yeah, well, too bad your part's on its old little feet.

You going somewhere, Ma?

Well, Louise and Florence and I are going to a fashion show.

Oh, how nice.

And I was coming to see if I could watch the football game with you, George. Our

color doesn't work.

Oh, you should have thought about that before you married her.

George.

Remember that shut -up I gave you?

Use it.

Hey, I forgot all about that football game. We better get home, Jen.

Hey, why don't you stay here and see it, Lionel? I got a whole case of beer.

Yeah, I'll be here.

There goes the beer.

Well, I'd like to stay, but I don't think it'd be too much fun for Jenny.

Sure it would.

She could bring us beers, make us sandwiches.

Oh, could I?

Oh, you can, as long as you do it nice and quiet.

And as long as Lionel's gonna stay here, why don't you go to the fashion show

with us, Jenny?

Oh, but what about Jessica?

Well, if you want to go to the show, I can watch the baby.

But I thought you wanted to see the football game.

So what are you saying? You don't think I can watch Jessica and the football

game at the same time? Well, I know.

Taking care of a baby is a lot of work.

Hey, look, babe, I know about work. I put in over 40 hours a week, remember?

Well, I work a lot more hours than that.

You got a job?

George, Jenny means taking care of Jessica.

Oh, I thought she meant real work.

Real work? What do you call real work?

Anything you get paid for.

George, most women work and don't get paid.

And some women get paid but don't work.

If you're talking about me, you better count your blessings. If I was a man, do

you know what I'd be making?

Yeah. License plates.

I read an article in the paper that said housewives should be paid $12 ,000 a

year for the work they do.

Are you kidding?

$12 ,000 a year for lying around the house all day watching as the world

George, is that what you think women do all day? Watch soap operas?

Of course not. You watch game shows, too.

George, you have absolutely no idea what it takes to run a household.

Yes, I do. It takes money.

Which we men go out and make so you women can stay home.

I get it. A woman's place is in the home, right?

Of course it is. Everybody knows that.

Not everybody, George. For your information, there are 16 women in the

Representatives. Well, somebody's got to hang around and clean up after all

those men.

Oh, well, that's not funny, George.

You know, I think that we should let the men watch Jessica for the afternoon.

Yes, George. It just might open your eyes.

Good. Then his eyes will match his mouth.

Here's the number where we'll be.

Forget it, Weasley. You women just go ahead to the fashion show. Don't worry

about a thing.

Are you sure you men can handle Jessica all by yourselves?

Of course we can. Taking care of a baby is easy. It don't take no brains.

Oh, well, in that case, George, you're the perfect man for the job.

Do you believe those women, thinking

we're incapable of looking after our own granddaughter?

Yeah, she looks pretty harmless to me. She is harmless.

How can anybody this tiny be any trouble? Ain't that right?

Well, men, what shall we do until the game comes on? Oh, how about the

What do you mean, Pop? Jensen just died with his phone on. Yeah, I know.

But my shirt's ain't.

Hands off to Johnson.

He slips a tackle. Big hole in Johnson at the 40. The 45. The 50. The 45.

Cut inside, Johnson!

Watch out!

Step on that honky! Yeah, step on that honk!

Hey, who's all the yelling? What'd I miss?

Just the biggest play of the game. Oh, another big play, boy. This is some

And this is what women call hard work.

Open me up another beer, Lionel. What, you don't want to ruin your fingernails?

You know, I still can't understand what all the fuss was about.

Jessica's been asleep since the women left.

Yeah, if this was watching the babies like, you ought to have another one.

Yeah, then it'd be twice as easy.

Nah, speak of the devil.

Oh, maybe she's hungry.

Already, but her next feeding's not too far.

Maybe you ought to feed her anyway.

Yeah, my mother never put us on a schedule.

Or on a diet.

Okay, you want to go ahead and get her formula out of Ginny's bag?

Yeah, right.

Do I have to mix it?

No, it's already mixed. Just heat it up.

That's it?

Man, women sure got it easy these days. Remember all the hassles we used to have

to go through?

Yeah, exact measurements, sterilizing bottles, getting the temperature just

right every time.

Shoot, before you got the bottle fixed, the kid was old enough to order booze.

It's nothing, Pop. She's just wet again.

Where'd you put them diapers?

Diapers? Yeah, you know them white things that give her hips?

Oh. Well, we used the last one when she went on me, remember?

Oh, man, now I guess I'll have to run out and buy some more.

Well, just do like the women do. Take a credit card.

And while you're out, try yourself a new wardrobe.

What do you want, Bentley?

Well, Mr. J, I was on my way out to buy a deli sandwich when I thought I heard

the baby crying. Is everything all right?

Of course everything is all right. Hey, since you're going to the store, why

don't you pick up a box of diapers for me?

My pleasure. And shall I get some for the baby, too?

Shall I get some for the baby, too?

Normally, I would prepare myself a home -cooked meal, but today I don't want

anything to distract me from that television set. I know what you mean.

Close game, huh?

Game?

Yeah, the playoffs.

What are you watching?

Jacques Cousteau.

Did you know that certain fish can actually live within the stinging

of a sea anemone?

Yes, yes. It was in all the papers.

It was? Oh, do you remember what day? Mr. Bentley, could you please try and be

as quiet as you can, because I've just got to go back to sleep. Right -o. Shh.

Yes. Shh.

Bentley, will you hurry up?

Right, right.

How was that?

Fine, thanks.

Don't mention it.

Bentley!

No problem.

I got a feeling this is going to be a lot tougher than you thought.

I'll take care of her, Pop. You go ahead and watch the game. Okay.

Well, I've got the formula heating up. It should be ready in a few minutes.

Good. You send Benny to get some diapers.

But what's Jesse supposed to wear until he gets back?

Well, can't you just turn that diaper inside out and use the same one?

Okay, I got it.

We'll just use a substitute.

Like what? Like this.

What?

There you go.

One homemade diaper.

Are you kidding?

Look, Lion, if you want to be a father, you've got to learn how to improvise.

Okay. You got any safety pins?

Safety pins?

That was quite a call by the officials. Let's look at the replay.

Well, let's turn the TV set down.

I can't hear, George. The baby's crying.

What? He said turn the TV down.

Did you find any safety pants?

No, but I got something better here.

Electrical pants?

Don't worry about it. It's waterproof.

Look, Lionel, you just take off the old diaper and leave the rest to me.

I suppose it's safe.

Hey, take care of this diaper for me, Willis.

Hey, Willis!

What? What?

Catch!

Oh, George, look what you made me do.

Look, just get rid of that diaper. We'll clean that up later.

No. Okay.

Okay, first you fold the diaper over like this. Then you lift the baby's leg.

Hey, Pop, what's that?

That's her butt.

Well, you know even less about this stuff than I thought you did.

No, I mean them red splotches and little bumps.

Oh, it's probably diaper rash.

You think so?

Sure. But the doctor said she had a cold.

I know, Lionel, but it doesn't really show up on this end.

I don't know, Pop.

Know what?

Well, suppose she's sick.

Come on, Lionel, will you quit worrying?

Everything is under control.

You think so?

Sure. See? She's asleep again. Now it's all downhill from here.

Flood! Flood!

Damn it, Willis, what are you yelling about?

George, the toilet's overflowing.

What? The diaper got stuck.

Didn't you tear the lining out first?

Lining?

Oh, brother, Lionel, see if you can find a plunger.

And a mop.

Forget the mop. Florent hid that five years ago.

But what about the water? Look, just one thing at a time, okay? When he gets

back with the... Lionel! Huh?

Oh.

While he's looking for the plunge, why don't you try to see if you can get the

diaper out?

With my hands?

Can you think of something better?

Yes, your hands.

Forget it, Will. Just see if you can rock Jessica back to sleep. You think

can do that?

George, you're not actually going to put your hands in a toilet, are you?

No! I'm going to put on a diving suit and go in through the bathroom.

Oh, but George!

Just be quiet while I take care of this.

Ah! It's all wet in here.

That's what I wanted to tell you. Watch out for the water on the floor.

Thanks a lot, Willis.

Well,

here goes.

Do you feel the diaper?

No.

Well, do you feel it now?

Well, here, let me see.

Oh, hi!

Now, now, now.

Now, now, now, now. Now, wait a minute, George.

I know what you're going to say. What?

You should have seen the one that got away.

I couldn't find the plunger, Pop. Did you get the dike? No, but the tidy bowl

man here almost flushed me down there with it.

and I'll plunge her upstairs.

Why don't you say so? Go get it. Oh, sure thing.

Shoot.

Now we gotta try to quiet Jessica down again.

Right. How?

How should I know? She's your daughter. So what do you think? She came with

directions?

Well, why don't you try shaking the carriage again? Maybe that'll work.

What are you gonna do? I'm gonna finish watching the game.

What? Well, there ain't no sense in both of us suffering.

Hey, I think it's working. Time to go back to sleep.

Great. Come on, sit down. Okay.

bit overburdened. Can you take these, please?

Thank you.

How is she?

Fortunately,

there are only a few shoppers ahead of me in line at the store. It's amazing

many people are home watching Jacques Cousteau.

What is all of this stuff?

Diapers. For what, the state of Michigan?

Well, Mr. J., you forgot to tell me what size Jessica wears and if she's a light

wetter or a heavy wetter. So I couldn't decide between the 6 to 12 pound all

-night light wetter or the 12 to 18 pound daytime heavy wetter. Of course, I

hoping... Hold it, Bentley!

Just tell me what you wound up getting. A box of each. Great.

And a training cap.

For a two -month -old baby?

Oh, you're never too young to learn.

Bentley! Anyway, I couldn't decide between the 6 to 12 pound all -night

wetter or the 12...

Now, we finally got everything under control.

Yeah? You think we can get this place cleaned up before the women get back?

Sure. There's still plenty of time after the game is over.

I mean, they probably won't even notice anything happened.

Look, men have been outsmarting women since time began.

They'll never catch on because we're smarter than they are.

You see, the thing with women is you have to always keep one step ahead of

at all times.

That way you can get away with anything.

Listen, I remember when I was in the Navy, right?

Mr. James. Wait a minute, Bentley.

There I was, right in the base of the train. But me and these four other

we figured we were going to town, you know. Mr. James, you smell something

burning. Like what?

Yeah, I smell it too, Pop. Is something burning in the kitchen?

It can't be. Florence ain't here.

baby you ought to call mine for what and listen to i told you so for the rest of

my life i'd rather have willis flush me into the east river we still got an hour

to clean up now you go spray air freshener in the kitchen and throw away

those broken dishes i'll go over benny's to get the baby you ever come back over

here and clean up in here in the bathroom come on pop admit it we blew it

you kidding aside from the fire

98, 99, 100.

Ready or not, here I come.

What?

What are you doing here?

Well, I was just about to ask you the same thing.

Yeah, well, I was playing hide -and -go -seek with some of the kids in the

building. You know, it got so boring in the house with all the quiet and

everything.

Okay? Okay is not the word for the way everything went. Everything went

Where you going?

Into the apartment.

You can't. Why not?

Because some of the kids might be hiding in there.

Did I ever tell you how much I hated that coat?

This coat?

Well, you bought it for my birthday.

What you let me do that for?

Now you go out right now and buy a new one.

But George... In fact, get two. We'll get one for Jenny.

You want a coat, Helen?

Mr. Jefferson, I think you better get him inside quick. I think the cold is

starting to numb his brain.

That's it. You're fired.

Don't I even get a coat?

Mr. Jefferson, I really would like to see Jessica.

But you can't. She's asleep in my bedroom.

Jessica!

Oh, hello, everybody.

George!

I thought you said she was asleep in our room. She was, but Bentley wanted to

take her for a walk, so I let him.

She's wearing a paper towel!

A paper towel?

Bentley, that's the last time you'll take my granddaughter for a walk.

George, are you sure everything is all right? Of course it is. We wanted you to

go shopping for a while. It's on me.

Who me? Well, I, uh... He's on a scavenger hunt.

A scavenger hunt? Yeah. Okay, well, now we got the mop and the plunger. Now all

we need is one army boot and a hubcap and we'll win. Bye, girls.

Hey, Pop, I finished... Oh, excuse me, wrong house.

What's that smell?

I don't know. It smells like lemon and something burning.

Oh, you mean this smell? This is my new cologne.

It's called Burning Lemon.

It's coming from the apartment.

Move it, George.

Lionel.

be a security building, too.

Tom, what on earth happened?

You don't want to see it.

It's enough to make you cry.

I suppose you have an explanation for all this.

Explanation? We see things didn't go that bad. All we did was just... Come

Pop. What we did was find out how hard it is to take care of a baby.

Oh, you mean you learned something?

Yeah, but I still don't think women should get paid $12 ,000 a year just for

keeping house.

You don't?

Nope. You all deserve a raise.

Oh, well.

Yeah, I guess I better go change, Jessica.

Well, all in all, it's been a pretty good day.

good day.

George, your granddaughter spent the day in a paper towel.

The living room looked like a subway.

And the kitchen... George,

what else could have happened?

I'm beat.

Yeah, it's hard work making as much mess as you did.

Lord,

the stove is a mess.

It'll be two days before I can cook again.

Oh, see, Weasley? Every cloud has a silver lining.

You know, I wish I could have been here to see you running around like a crazy

man. Why? You can see that every day.

Look, Weasley, all we do is have a series of bad breaks.

Yeah. You broke the dishes, then you broke the toilet. All right, all right.

look, I'm going to prove to you that I can take care of my own granddaughter.

In fact, I'd like another shot at it. You're kidding.

No, and I'm going to do it, too.

As soon as Jessica turns 21.