Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on up. Moving on up. To the.

Fifteen minutes to eat them.

Ain't you forgetting about my breakfast?

No, you forgetting it's my day off. And I don't do nothing on my day off.

You don't do nothing on your days on.

Lawrence, what are you doing?

Making sure the sofa don't go nowhere.

you had a date to go ice skating today?

Oh, I did. That turkey called and said he had to work. What a liar.

Well, how do you know he's lying?

Millie told me. How does she know?

Because she called to borrow my ice skate. He's taking her instead.

Oh, that's a shame.

What kind of a guy would break a date at the last minute?

The same kind of guy who would ask me out in the first place.

Huh? Let's face it, Miss Jefferson, I'm just not an interesting person.

Well, I think you're interesting, Florence.

You want to take me ice skating?

No. I mean, yes.

I mean... Look, Miss Jefferson, all I do all day is dust mop and scrub.

When I go out at night, I ain't got nothing interesting to talk about.

Florence, you have a lot to offer a man.

Mm -hmm. My last date, I had to offer to pay for dinner.

Florence, you need a lift.

Why don't you come with me? I just have to make a quick stop at the help center,

and then we can go shopping.

Okay.

Florence, where's the egg poacher? We ain't got one.

Well, how am I supposed to heat my eggs up?

Try putting them in front of your mouth.

Maybe you better go help him.

On second thought, I'll help him. You get the door.

Good.

I sure got the best of that deal.

Good morning, Florence.

Hi, Mr. Bentley. I was wondering if I might borrow your feather duster.

I haven't seen mine for several days.

Maybe it eloped with a carrier pigeon.

Oh, I see you've started reading Travels of a Countess.

How do you like it so far?

Oh, I love it. Thanks for loading it to me.

Wouldn't it be fun to be a countess?

Actually, I'd rather be a count.

That countess, she got more boyfriends in one chapter than I had in my whole

life.

Everywhere she goes, men fight over her.

Didn't you ever have men fight over you, Florence?

Sure, on 42nd Street. They were both trying to steal my pocketbook.

Did you get to the part yet where the French diplomat tries to win her heart

away from the young fencing instructor?

Yeah, I'm reading that part now.

And they had this dueling contest to see who would win her.

En garde!

My cher contest, will you be mine?

Um... I'm sorry, Jean Paul,

but I travels with the wind like a bird, and a free bird cannot be caged.

Oh, my contest.

I sure would love to be like the countess.

Now, that's an interesting woman.

Ah, that's because she isn't just one woman.

Huh? No, she's many women to many men.

To one man, she's a countess. To another, she's a temptress.

You mean men like it when a woman is more than one person?

Oh, yes, indeed.

Give me a woman of mystery any day.

Or better yet, any night.

George,

I'm taking Florence to Bloomingdale.

Oh, yeah? See if you can exchange her for something that works.

How about it, Florence? Are you ready?

Yeah, but I ain't got no money to buy nothing with.

What? I just paid you a full week's salary. I know. I blew it all in a pay

toilet.

Just a quick stop at the help center, and then we'll go shopping and pick up

something that you like.

I sure hope he's six feet tall with brown eyes.

Excuse me.

Is your problem medical, social, or legal?

No, I'm Greg Martin.

Oh, is that a problem?

No, I'm the new psychiatrist.

Oh, I'm sorry. It's just that you don't look like a psychiatrist.

Well, next time I'll bring my couch.

Oh.

Hey, let's keep things on a first -name basis, okay? Call me Greg.

Okay, but don't call me Betty. Why not?

Because my name's Nancy.

It'll only take a second. I'll just drop off these papers, and then we can

leave. Oh, Louise, I've been trying to reach you. There's an emergency meeting.

What? Yeah, the regional director is here. I think you're in for a long day.

Come on, I'll introduce you.

Oh, Florence, I'm sorry, but it looks like I'm going to be tied up for a

You'd better go shopping without me.

Okay, I'll see you when you get home.

Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to keep you waiting.

Please come in.

You sure you ain't got nothing to do? Write a memo?

Type a letter?

Call your wife?

I'm not married.

Oh.

Nice office.

Yeah, you like the furniture?

It's early American cheap.

I'm Greg Martin.

Florence Johnston. Nice to know you, Florence.

Won't you please take a chair?

Sure. Where do you want me to take it?

Right here.

Now, Florence, why don't you tell me something about yourself?

Oh, you don't want to hear nothing about me.

Sure I do. Unless, of course, you don't want to tell me. Well, ain't nothing

interesting to tell about me. I'm just, uh...

Just a countess.

A countess?

Yes, you see, when I was real young, I married this count.

But then he died.

And left me all his money.

Well, um, what was your husband a count of?

On account of his father was a count.

That's very interesting.

Oh, do you think so?

Yes, I do.

But I must admit that from looking at you, I would have never known that you

were a countess. Well, what do you mean by that?

Well, I, uh, I meant that as a compliment.

You see, I always thought of countesses as being rather sadiddy. You know,

wearing jewelry, expensive clothes.

I make all my own clothes.

A countess who makes her own clothes?

Well, actually, Florence the Countess didn't make this dress.

Florence, the theme's stress, dear.

Florence, the theme's stress.

Yes, you see, I'm more than one woman.

You are?

Yeah, I'm a whole lot of different women.

Well, how many different women are you?

That's for me to know, and you to find out.

Well, I would like to hear all about it. Now, Florence, how long have you been

different women?

That depends.

Depends on what?

Which one of me you asking?

Excuse me.

Yes, Nancy.

Yes, uh -huh.

Okay, I'll be out in a minute.

I'm sorry, Florence, but I do have someone else waiting to see me.

Oh, that's all right.

Probably somebody more interesting than I am.

Oh, I doubt that, Florence.

I'll tell you, I haven't seen anyone as interesting as you in years.

You haven't? No, I haven't. In fact, I'd like for you to come back and see me

tomorrow morning. You would?

Yes, I would. We'll have more time then.

Can you make it at nine? If I can get the day off.

The day off?

I mean, with all my countessing and theme stressing, I'm usually busy.

But I guess I can fit you in my busy schedule.

That's great, because I would really like to get to know you better.

Okay, Greg.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Nine o 'clock sharp.

I'll be here.

Hi,

Louise. How's the meeting going?

Fine. I think everything will work out just great.

Our new psychiatrist, Greg Louise Jefferson, one of our staff members.

Hello. How do you do?

Nancy, could you keep my schedule free tomorrow? I'll be with Florence Johnston

most of the day.

Florence?

Why, yes. Do you know her?

Of course. She's been our maid for years.

Maid? That's three personalities.

I beg your pardon.

Oh, Mrs.

Jefferson, has the...

Florence ever said anything to you about her being a countess or a seamstress?

A countess or a seamstress?

Uh, yes. Are you aware of her problem?

What problem?

Well, I guess I can tell you this much.

I'm afraid that Florence might be schizophrenic.

What? Well, in talking with her, she showed signs of multiple personalities.

Multiple personalities?

What? But I've known Florence a long time, and she's always been just, just

Florence. Well, sometimes these things don't come up till later in life.

Is her condition serious?

It could be. In fact, it could be very serious.

Oh, my God.

Who are Florence?

need charity.

Oh, Florence, there you are.

Oh, I see you made it home all right.

Yeah, except for the breakdown.

Breakdown?

You had a breakdown?

No, the bus did.

Oh, the bus.

Oh, of course.

Are you all right, Miss Jefferson?

You act in awful tense.

Of course she's tense. She's been hanging around with you all morning.

George, could you help me in the kitchen? I'm going to get lunch.

Look, Weasley, if you're going to eat flowers, it's because you won't need no

help until after lunch.

George, please.

Weasley, I haven't finished eating my sandwich yet. Well, bring it with you.

I'll give you a doggy bag.

Okay, okay, here I am. Now, what do you want?

I'm afraid there's something wrong with Florence.

Why? Did you see her cleaning something?

George, Florence could be schizophrenic. You're kidding!

What does that mean?

It means trouble.

The psychiatrist from the help center thinks Florence has three personalities.

Three personalities? She ain't even got one.

George,

this is serious.

Florence told Dr.

Martin she's the seamstress and the countess.

What? And she don't know the first thing about someone.

And even less about Captain.

And then she told him, she's... Look, Weasley, I don't care what Florence told

us, Dr. Martin. I know Florence.

She ain't crazy.

She's just lazy.

But according to Dr.

Martin... Would you forget about the psychiatrist?

If he's so smart, why didn't he go on to become a real doctor?

George... Look, Weasley, I'm telling you there's nothing wrong with Florence.

Come on, I'll show you. George, wait.

Don't start any arguments, okay?

The doctor says we should go along with Florence with whatever she says.

Okay. As long as she don't ask me for a raise.

Well, hey, Florence, how you doing?

I was doing fine until you walked in.

Well, why don't you walk out? All three of you.

What?

George. Okay, okay.

Florence.

Let's all have a little talk.

George, Florence doesn't want you bothering her while she's reading.

Oh, she don't mind, do you, Florence?

Florence, how would you describe the work you do?

A hundred years ago, it was called slavery.

Well, today it's called stealing.

Miss Jefferson, can I have the day off tomorrow?

What? You just had the day off today.

Of course you can have tomorrow off, Florence.

I got a big date tomorrow, and it might take all day.

Any dude that would spend all day with you has got to be an all -day sucker.

I ain't finished talking to Florence yet.

Okay, Florence.

When you went to the movies yesterday by yourself, how many tickets did you buy?

Three.

Florence.

If you went alone, why did you buy three tickets?

What was I supposed to do, leave the other two people outside?

Uh, what other two people, dear?

There were two little boys who didn't have enough money to get in, so I bought

them tickets.

Okay, Flores, one more question.

When you get up in the morning, do you get out on both sides of the bed at the

same time?

Is he crazy?

Me? We just did a tour. A tour?

I don't want you to help me make one.

Oh, I'll help you, Miss Jefferson. No!

No.

See, I told you, ain't nothing wrong with Florence. But, George, Dr. Martin

said... Dr. Martin made a mistake.

Do you think so? Sure, doctors make lots of mistakes.

That's why undertakers are so rich.

Well, George, I just don't know what to believe.

Okay, look, if you're not convinced, we can go talk to her some more.

Well, first I better make a sandwich so she doesn't get suspicious.

Diana Ross, eat your heart out.

Oh, here you are, Florence. Thank you. Oh, don't mention it. Wait a minute, I

got something for you, too.

Here's your book.

Oh, you've already finished it?

No, and I don't think I'm going to have time. I got a real live man to keep me

busy. Oh, congratulations.

I'm sure you'll have a happier ending than the book.

Oh, yeah, how does the book end?

Oh, well, the Countess meets Jean -Paul again 30 years later, only now he

himself is the Count.

Seeing this, she tries to egg him into marrying her, even though the Count's

engaged to another woman.

And does she get him to change his mind?

No, in fact, because she eggs him on so much... He marries the other woman out

of spite.

Oh, that's too bad.

Well, there is an interesting moral to be learned from this.

What? Don't egg your counts before they're hitched.

You jive count.

It ain't nice to fool with Mother Comptess.

You hear me count?

I bet your new wife aren't as many different women as I are.

Well, yeah.

I hope that doctor makes house calls.

George, that must be him.

I'll get it.

Oh, if I'm...

Sorry, Florence. I was just going to get the door.

Well, I was going to get it, but if you want to get it, get it.

Well, I was going to get it, but of course, if you want to get it... I'll

it.

Excuse me, is this the... Hello, Florence.

Well, what are you doing here? I came to see you.

How do you know where I live?

Florence. Oh, uh, Miss Jefferson, this is Greg Martin, a friend of mine.

Greg, Mr. and Mrs. Jefferson.

My help.

Yes, you've both been a great help to me these past years.

And I know how anxious you are to get back to whatever it was you were doing.

I wasn't doing nothing.

I know. And you're not going to be able to finish if you don't hurry.

Lawrence, why don't you make yourself comfortable?

Can I get you anything, Greg?

Oh, he just loves milkshakes. Why don't you all run down to the corner and get

him one?

I know. I'll get you both some coffee. Come on, George.

Florence, you and your friend have a nice talk.

Good help is so hard to find these days.

Well, Greg, what did you want to talk to me about?

Well, Florence, I would like to get to know a lot more about you.

You would?

Yes, I would, and I've been thinking we should spend some time together, alone.

Well, what did you have in mind?

How about this weekend?

The whole weekend?

Why, yes.

What would you say to a room at Cedars -by -the -Sea?

That depends on how many people are going to be sharing that room.

I mean, we don't want to give countesses a bad name.

Have no fear. You'll have a private room all to yourself.

Oh, in that case, I'd love to. Great.

Oh, Miss Jefferson.

Do you think you could do without me for a couple of days?

Why? Well, Greg wants to take me away with him for the weekend.

Oh, that's just fine with us, Florence. Isn't it, George?

Sure. Stay as long as it takes for Greg to help you.

Help me? What do you mean, help me?

Well, as your psychiatrist, I'll be your... Psychiatrist?

I didn't know you were no psychiatrist.

What did you think he was, a Count of Monte Carlo?

Don't worry, Florence. Dr. Martin will see that you get all the treatment you

need.

Treatment? I don't need no treatment.

Look, anybody goes around saying that she's a countess needs a lot of

Wait a minute.

You mean just because I told you I was a countess, you think I'm crazy?

No, no, no. Not crazy, Florence. Just a little disoriented.

Huh?

Well, you're not a countess. I know, and I ain't crazy either.

Don't worry, Florence. I'll see that everyone at the hospital takes very good

care of you. Wait a minute.

Oh,

I'll be glad to tell them.

You see... Tell them what?

Oh, actually, that's why I came to return this recipe you left in the book.

Now tell them about the Countess.

Oh, yes, the Countess. The lovely lady of mystery.

Well, tell them how she was all these bunch of different women and how men

that stuff.

Well, yes, it's true. She certainly had the men at her feet.

See, I was just trying to be like her. That's why I told you all that stuff. I

didn't know you was no psychiatrist.

You mean you told me you were a countess just to get my attention?

Yeah. Oh, I did that once myself.

You told them I was a countess.

Oh, no, but I once told a woman I was a British spy.

Oh, I love to tell about that night. It's one of my favorite stories. Oh,

Why don't you go to your apartment and tell it to yourself?

I've already heard it.

Lawrence, you mean you got the idea about saying you were a countess from a

book? I'm afraid so, Miss Jefferson.

Then there's nothing wrong...

I wouldn't say that.

George!

I'm sorry I lied to you, Greg.

I just wanted you to think I was interesting.

Well, what made you think you wouldn't be interesting as the real Florence

Johnston? Oh, come on. Why would a foxy dude like you be interested in a maid?

I had to do it to get your attention.

Well, to use a professional term, Florence, that is pure de -jive.

You want to know how to get my attention?

How? Just be yourself.

That's all?

That's all.

I was attracted to you the moment I saw you.

You were attracted to me? That's right. Not your address, not your title, not

your job.

Just you.

Then you're not mad?

No. But I will be if you don't go to dinner with me tonight.

Dinner?

Well, I don't know what to say.

Say yes, then go get ready.

All right, Greg.

I'll be ready in just a minute. Fine.

I hope you got plenty of money, Doc.

I beg your pardon?

Well, she may not be three women, but she sure eats like three.

The Jeffersons was videotaped in front of a studio audience.