Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on up. We're moving on up.

I ain't got no husband.

I wonder if George feels that way.

Mr. Jefferson?

He loves being around you.

Where is he, anyway?

Working late at the office.

Again.

Weezy, I'm home.

George, why were you working late at the office again?

I had to get some reports out today, Weezy.

Are you sure you're not trying to avoid me? What are you talking about?

Well, I was just reading that somehow... Oh, hey, Weasley, I got some great news

for you.

Guess who Black Life magazine is going to interview for its next issue.

How should I know?

Because one of them is you.

Huh? And the other one is me.

Ha! Ha!

But... Why would a big magazine like Black Life want to interview us?

Because Jack Jenkins is out of town.

on couples who have been happily married for over 25 years.

I still don't understand.

Look, they were supposed to interview my lawyer, Jack Jenkins. He's been married

for 37 years.

But at the last minute, he had to go to Brazil.

Business trip?

No, he ran off with his secretary.

That's terrible.

His poor wife.

He left her a note.

Just a note? Is that all he left her? No, he also left her five kids.

Mr. Jefferson?

Hi. Do you think these letters are the right size? I want to make sure I can

everything on. Of course I can fit everything on. Look, you already got the

-E, right? All you need is the B -R -A. You got it made.

George, Alan's shirt is going to say zero population growth.

Who ever heard of growing zeros?

It's a movement to reduce the birth rate to zero.

The world already has too many people living in it. Ah, so does this

When are you going to move out?

George, you said that he could stay as long as it takes to work things out with

his father.

Yeah, I must have been drunk.

Just don't get in the way of that guy from the magazine when he gets here.

magazine? Oh, George and I have been interviewed for Black Life.

Black Life?

Ooh, they got some great articles in there.

Yeah, but you'd only understand half of them.

Mrs. Jefferson, can I use your iron to press on these letters?

Sure. Florence will show you where it is.

Now, how would Florence know where the iron is? She ain't never used it.

Hello, Louise.

Oh, hi, Tom. How are you?

Is Alan home?

No, he's still living here.

He's in the kitchen working on a T -shirt. Oh, well, then, if he's busy,

just... Oh, no, you don't.

Tom came down to ask Alan to go skiing with him this weekend.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

You think he'll want to go with me, Louise?

Sure he'll want to go.

You and Alan are going to feel right at home up there in all that whiteness.

Hi, folks.

Hi, honey.

Hey, Alan. You want to go skiing?

I didn't know you skied, Mr. Jefferson.

Not with me, with your father.

Hey, I'd like that.

You would?

See, Tom, it'll be the perfect father and son weekend.

Damn right it'll be perfect.

You and Alan up there in the mountains and me and Wheezy down here.

Gee, I hear they got a foot of fresh snow in Vermont.

Hey, you better hurry up and get a move on before it melts.

You can drive up tonight.

Yeah, I'll even rent you a car.

I'll buy you a new ski outfit.

Well, what's wrong with my leather jacket?

Oh, that old thing?

Well, what if we run into somebody we know?

We'll just say hello.

Well, what I mean is, what will people think if they see you dressed like a...

like a... like a bum?

Uh -uh, now, Alan, your father didn't say that. Well, he didn't have to.

Dad, I'll wear what I want to wear.

Oh, of course you will, because you don't want to do anything I suggest, do

Now, what do you mean by that? If I told you to ski in your leather jacket,

you'd want me to buy you a new ski outfit.

Dad, I don't want you to buy me anything.

Good, because I'm not going to. Hey, hey, hey!

Sounds like we have a small misunderstanding here.

You call that small?

Did you hear that, everybody?

He called me a fat slob.

Well, you can't get mad at your kid for telling the truth, Willis.

Tom, that's not what Alan meant. Ah, you're always taking his side. Dad,

nothing wrong with being fat.

Did you hear that?

He said it again.

Well, I may be a little plump around the waist, but at least I'm not fat

-headed. Dad, what I meant was... Your sister would never talk to me the way

do. Dad, Jenny and I are different.

You ain't lying.

Now, Tom, that's not fair.

That's okay, Mom.

I've always known that Dad likes Jenny better than me.

Alan, your father didn't say that, did you, Tom?

Tom, tell him. No, you tell him. He never listens to what I say. Hey,

you're forgetting something. Your son. I wish I could forget it.

Tom!

Poor Alan.

Poor us. He's still here.

That's not what I meant. We've got to convince Alan that Tom didn't mean what

said.

Sounded like he meant it to me. That was some argument.

Argument. That's it.

What's it?

You and I will fake an argument to show Alan that when people argue, they can

say things they don't really mean.

George, I think an aquarium would look nice in this apartment.

What? I don't know why you won't let me buy one.

If you want one, go out and buy one.

Yesterday, you said you didn't want an aquarium in here.

I did.

Oh, right, I did.

I hate aquariums.

Well, just because you hate fish doesn't mean I can't have fish as pets.

You want a pet, get a parrot.

What's so great about a parrot?

Well, at least you can talk to them. Fish are boring.

No, they are not.

Yes, they are, and people who watch fish are twice as boring.

What? Pretty good, huh?

Are you saying because I like aquariums that I'm boring?

That's right. In fact, every time you open your mouth to talk, I open mine to

yawn.

I'm so boring that you would work late to avoid being around me? Yep, you are

boring, I'd rather spend an evening with King Tut.

Come on, this is your time.

What do you mean I'm boring?

Come on, you two.

I know what you're trying to do, but it's not going to work.

Thanks anyway.

Well,

we tried.

Don't answer me. What do you mean I'm boring?

Wheezy, it's over. He's gone. I don't care who's gone.

I want to know why you said that.

Wheezy, will you cut it out and quit acting stupid?

Oh, so now I'm stupid, too.

Boring and stupid.

Wheezy, you're impossible.

Boring, stupid, and impossible.

A triple threat. I give up.

It's a wonder you ever married me. What?

Excuse me, I'm going upstairs to see Helen. Hey, wait a minute, you can't do

that. The man from the magazine will be here any minute. Go ahead and start

without me, George. I'll just put him to sleep anyway.

Oh, how could I have said such a thing?

Oh, what a lousy father you are.

Are you sure I'm fun to be with?

Louise, you're a barrel of laugh.

Oh, here's that trophy Alan gave me when he was ten years old.

To the world's greatest father.

Oh, why can't things be like that again?

They can, dear. All you have to do is say, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

And not to me, to Alan.

But am I interesting?

Yes, Louise?

But what if he'll never speak to me again?

Do you really mean that?

Of course, Louise.

Thank goodness I was starting to get dizzy.

George! Wheezy.

Wheezy.

talk to you.

Good, because I don't want to talk to you either.

I want to talk to her.

That was her.

Say what?

She doesn't want to bore you.

Look, Weezy, do you really think I'd stay married to you for 28 years if I

thought you were boring?

Huh?

All I want is to be a father to my son again.

Oh, yes, dear.

Look, you can talk to him anytime. Right now, I need you to get my answer from

Weezy. Hey, she's my wife. And she's my wife.

Come on, Weezy, we're getting out of here.

I'm not. I mean, she's not going anywhere with somebody who finds her

stupid, and impossible.

Damn it, I've never said that.

Oh, yes, you did, shorty.

I added that myself.

Okay. If this is all true, why do I feel like I just got kicked in my stomach?

Like the most important thing in my life is gone.

Oh, George, that's the nicest thing you've ever said.

See, Tom, how easy it is to make up if you really want to?

You could do the same thing with Alan.

Now hurry up. The guy from the magazine will be here any minute. Oh, that's all

you want me for.

The guy from what magazine?

Black Life.

Black Life?

What's he coming here for? He was supposed to interview us. Why?

Because we were a happily married couple. Come on, we were.

Mr. Jefferson?

Yeah? I'm Albert Fox from Black Life. Oh, come on in. Hey, let me take your

coat. You already have.

Nice place you have here.

Yeah, well, you know, it ain't much, but it suits someone in my profession.

Oh?

Yes, I own the Jefferson Dry Cleaners. Seven convenient locations throughout

city.

One near you.

It's not... turned on.

Well, shall we get started? Sure.

Now, where's your wife?

Oh, well, I can speak for both of us.

But the purpose of the article is to talk with married couples.

Oh, I see. Well, see, she's not feeling very well. Perhaps we should cancel the

interview. Oh, no, no. Hey, I'll tell you what you can do. Why don't you just

write down all the questions you want me to ask her, and I'll take them into the

bedroom and bring her answers back out here to you. If she's well enough to

answer the questions, why can't I ask her in person?

Well, see, because...

What she's got is very contagious. It's a rash.

You can't get near.

Oh, there she is. Hello.

Hello. That's okay.

I'm Albert Fox.

Pleased to meet you, Mr. Fox. If you'll excuse me, I've got work to do.

Nice woman, your wife.

My wife? She ain't... No.

That dear sweet woman is more than just a wife.

Do you know that she's in that kitchen right now packing up some of our dishes

to give to somebody who's less fortunate?

Well, I thought she wasn't feeling very well.

Yeah, well, that's my Louise for you.

Nothing stops her from being kind and generous.

Excuse me.

Could I ask you a few questions?

Sure, if it's okay with the boss.

You call him the boss?

And that's cute.

How did you two meet?

What two?

You and the boss.

Through an agency.

An agency?

Yeah. He needed somebody, and the agency sent me over.

That's not very romantic.

But it's worked out very well. We've been happy ever since, haven't we,

sweetheart? Don't put your hands on me.

happened when you got here?

Well, I asked a few questions, found out what I had to do to please him, and

said okay.

My goodness, Mr.

Jefferson, you're a fast worker.

What's this for, anyway?

I'm here. Let me help you with these before you drop them.

Look, stay out of his way.

Why? Who is he?

An IRS agent. He's checking tax returns.

I don't send my taxes in until April.

Then you're one of the people he's looking for.

Do you think I could get your wife to sit down for a few minutes?

Sit down? Well, uh, we'll see.

That's where her rash hurts the most.

I'll be right back.

Hey, Mrs. Jefferson.

Here's your cleaning.

Thanks, Marcus.

Oh, is Florence around? She said she had some stuff to be picked up. No, she

ain't here.

Oh, there she is.

Hey, Florence.

Oh, hi, Marcus. You here for the cleaning? Yeah. I'll get it for you.

these with you.

Hello, I'm Albert Fox.

Marcus Henderson.

I'm curious.

Why did you call Mrs.

Jefferson Florence?

I didn't.

Yes, you did.

And I've told you a million times, stop calling people by their middle names.

Did I miss something?

Let me get this straight.

It's Louise Florence Jefferson.

Oh, I didn't know Miss Jefferson's middle name was Florence.

That's why she never uses it. She doesn't want us to get confused with the

Florence. Who's the real Florence? The dog.

I think I'm confused. Could I have a drink of water? Oh, sure. Right here.

can drink all you want in private.

Here you are, Marcus.

Oh, thanks, boss.

Is Mr. Fox gone? No, but you are.

Go.

Go.

And so are you.

Where am I going?

Oh, why don't you try your hope chest?

Nobody will look for you in there.

George, I thought it over, and I realized that you don't really think I'm

boring. Yes, I do, Wheezy. You're boring, boring, boring.

If you come back in an hour, I'll change my mind. Oh, George, just show me how

silly I was. Now, let's kiss and make up.

Mr.

Jefferson!

Oh, you must be the reporter from Black Life.

Yes.

Did George tell you how much in love we are?

Does your wife know about this?

Well... Hi, Miss Jefferson.

Thanks again for the dishes.

Mrs. Jefferson?

Yes.

Then who are you?

Nobody special, and my tax return is just fine, thank you.

Wait a minute.

Why would he care about your tax return?

Because Mr. Fox is here checking tax returns.

No, I'm a writer from Black Life.

A writer?

I thought you were with the IRS.

That's funny. I thought you were his wife.

Ain't nothing funny about that.

Let me help you, Florence.

So you're Florence.

Yes, Florence Johnston. J -O -H -N -S -T -O -N.

Mr. Jefferson said that Florence was the dog.

No, he just treats me like one.

I better get back down to the office. George!

Okay, I'll explain everything.

This is my real wife, who I have been happily married to for 28 years.

Only wasn't so happy just before you got here.

I bet you had an argument.

How'd you know that?

Because every happily married couple I've ever interviewed has admitted they

argue. No kidding.

Are you saying it's good for people to argue?

Absolutely.

When a person takes the time to argue with you, it's usually because they care

about you.

Man,

my dad must think the world of me.

Alan, look, son, I want to... It's all right, Dad. I'm willing to forgive and

forget if you are.

Gee, that was easier than I thought.

Now that that's all settled, Mr. Fox can continue with his interview with me and

the real Mrs. Jefferson.

You mean I'm out of a job already?

You will be.

if you don't get lost.

See if I ever marry you again.

Come on, Dad. I'll show you some of my T -shirts.

Oh, I'd love to see them.

Hey, do you want one? Son, I'd be proud to wear anything that came from you.

All right.

Oh, isn't that nice?

Okay, let's get on with the interview.

Good idea.

Now, when you two argue, how long do your arguments last?

Oh, sometimes for a couple of days.

but most of the time just for a few minutes, right? Oh, yeah.

And we always settle them right away, don't we? Oh, sometimes we make up

we even know we've been arguing.

You said it again!

You called me fat!

I just said you needed an extra, extra large T -shirt. Which means you think

fat. Hey, wait a minute, you two.

Okay. You're skinny. You're skinny as a rail.

Does that make you happy?

No. If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar.

One thing I hate is having my interview messed up by a zebra and a jackass.

George, what are you doing?

Out, out, out. I'm not finished yet. Yes, you are.

George, that was...

Awful. Look, forget about it, Louise. Let's get back to the interview.

Not until you apologize to Tom and Alan.

Are you crazy? I ain't apologizing to them two turkeys. You will, too.

No, I won't. Oh, yes, you will.

Will you just shut up and get over there and be... Shut up?

I am now continuing my interview on the happy marriage of George and Louise

Jefferson. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. And now you, Mrs. Jefferson... You

pipsqueak.

into oh yeah you come on and you'll be using the smallest part you got your

brain and i've got half my mind never to speak to you again oh yeah that's all

was videotaped in front of a studio audience.