Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on now. We're moving on now.

letter taking more time than I thought it would. Well, at least we have Mr.

Bentley's electric typewriter, and it types a lot faster than my old manual

machine.

Every time it snows, it snows, it

is from heaven.

Don't you mean every time it rains?

Yeah. two ways right now. It's snowing, and snow means slush, and slush means

dirty clothes, and dirty clothes means there'll be panties for you and me.

Florence, what are we having for lunch? I don't know about you, but I'm having

split peas soon.

Looks kind of thin. What happened to the peas?

I don't know.

Maybe they split.

Yeah,

well, you better split into the kitchen and find me something to eat.

Okay, as soon as I finish my soup. I can't work on an empty stomach.

You can't work on no kind of stomach.

And speaking of stomachs... Hi, George. Is Helen here?

Yeah, unfortunately.

Helen, great news. Jack Foreman's got the flu.

What? And the company's sending me to the publisher's convention in his place.

Four beautiful days in sunny Acapulco.

Oh, that's nice.

And you're going with me. Oh, that's terrific.

You're leaving, Tom.

This afternoon.

Now, Helen, if you start packing and I can start reading this. What's that?

It's the book I'll be promoting at the convention.

How to Make Your Man Happy?

Maybe I ought to read this.

Florence, I know how you can make any man happy. Keep away from him.

Excuse me, y 'all.

Maybe I better get Mr. Jefferson his pea soup.

It should go perfect with his pea brain.

Look, Maria, listen to this.

Obedience in a wife is as important as it is in a dog.

I don't agree with that at all.

I should hope not.

I think it's more important.

Tom, you mean you're actually going to promote

this book?

Sure, why not?

Well, because it's a lot of sexist nonsense.

It's also my job.

And without a job, how am I supposed to support you?

Support me?

Yes. Wait a minute.

Are you saying that in order to get along in this world, a woman needs a man

support her?

I didn't say that at all. Oh, come on, let's get going. Our plane leaves in

hours. Well, I'm not so sure that I want to go to Acapulco with a chauvinist.

I thought Tom was an Episcopalian.

Helen, I'm not a chauvinist. Then why are you promoting that chauvinistic

Well, because...

Oh, come on, we can talk about this on the way to the airport.

Now, Helen, stop acting silly.

Silly? I've got a better suggestion.

Why don't you just go to Acapulco by yourself?

By myself?

Well, Helen, I want you to go with me. Why?

Well, I don't do so well by myself.

Do what?

That's precisely the point.

Oh, so that's the only reason you want me along, huh?

Well, no, thank you, Tom.

Helen? I'm going upstairs to pack, and then I'm going to the office to pick up

the tickets. Are you coming with me or not? I've made up my mind. This is one

woman who has better things to do than just make her man happy.

Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. We might have had a good time.

Is there anything you'd like me to get while I'm in Mexico?

Yeah.

Montezuma's revenge.

Helen. Are you sure you did the right thing?

Of course.

I'm not going anywhere with a hypocrite.

Oh, Helen, don't you think calling Tom a hypocrite is going too far?

Yeah. Why don't you just call him a hippo and let it go with that?

Send him in, please.

Well, Willis, I thought you'd taken off by now.

Then you probably decided to wait for the plane, huh?

Well,

actually, J .R., I just stopped by for the tickets. Right, right.

I guess the little lady's excited, huh? Well, she had some volunteer work to do,

J .R., so she decided not to go.

Oh, that's too bad.

I was hoping my wife might be able to spend some time with Helen so I could

a little spare time for myself, huh?

Well, I'm sorry, J .R.

Say, since, uh...

Helen isn't going with you. I have a thought. A thought? Yeah.

You know Judy Smith in the secretarial pool?

Oh, yes. I've seen her.

Yeah, she's hard to miss, huh?

Anyhow, I thought it might be nice for me to have her along at the convention.

Huh? Huh? Oh, I understand, J .R. I'm sure she's a very devoted employee.

Indeed she is, Willis. She's willing to work nights and sometimes weekends.

Right. Well, gosh, look at the time. I say, Tom, I just had another thought.

Another thought?

Yeah, I think I might just send Miss Smith along with you as your assistant.

An assistant?

Oh, really, J .R., I don't think I'll have enough for a girl to do.

I will.

Besides, if Miss Smith is with you, my wife will never know a thing.

How's that sound, Tom?

Well, to tell you the truth, J .R., it sounds like cheating.

I'm not asking you to define it. I'm asking you to do it.

Well, with all respect, J .R., I'd rather not.

Oh. Okay, Tom. Your decision.

I respect that.

By the way, you're a vice president now, right?

Right, J .R.

There were, last time I counted them, five other vice presidents, right?

Right again.

Tom, you know, I've always admired your work.

I'm going to retire in a year, and when I do, I'll have a lot to say about who

takes over.

Tell me, Willis, how'd you like to see your name plate on this desk?

Oh, I'd love to, J .R. All you have to do is play ball. Are you with me? Huh?

Huh? Huh?

Well... Good.

Send Miss Smith in, please.

Willis, I think we're going to make quite a team.

Thank you. There she is. Judy Smith, Tom Willis.

Tom, this is Miss Smith.

Hi. Hi. Hi.

Judy, great news.

You're going to Acapulco after all.

I am? Yeah. Boy, this is so exciting. You know, I've never been to Acapulco

before. I've wanted to go ever since I was a little girl.

Well, Judy, now that you're a big girl, Acapulco will be that much more fun.

They are the time, huh? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, right, right. Now, Judy, you have to get going. Now, you'll be

flying with Mr.

Willis. Is that okay?

I guess so.

Well, I better go make myself pretty.

She's quite a girl, isn't she, Tom?

If you say so, J .R. I do.

And Willis, if a word of this gets out to anybody, anybody...

It's my reputation and your job.

Any questions?

Just one, J .R. Do you have any roll aids?

Helen, I think this fundraising article should go on page three, don't you?

Helen.

Helen, your hair's on fire.

That's nice.

You can't work here if you're off someplace else.

Someplace else?

You were in Mexico. I could see it.

You're right, Louise. I was.

Well, you can still make that flight.

Maybe I was wrong.

About the book?

No, Tom.

He's not really a chauvinist. And it is his job.

And it is 85 degrees in Acapulco.

Yeah.

If I hurry, I should be able to get to the airport in plenty of time.

Oh, I won't Tom be surprised.

I wish I could be there to see his face.

Flight 372 for Chicago is now boarding at gate 45.

Mr.

Willis, how come you're so nervous?

Nervous? I'm not nervous.

Oh, do you always chew gum with the wraparound?

I just like to keep the flavor in.

That's when you get to Acapulco.

There's this cute little bar called Jose's. I thought you'd never been to

Acapulco. Oh, no.

I just told J .R. that.

You see, I wanted to keep him happy.

Well, apparently you're doing a good job.

Um, Mr. Willis, I sometimes get a little nervous when I fly.

Would you mind very much if I held your hand on the plane?

Oh, uh, couldn't you hold somebody else's hand?

Well, like that cute little teddy bears we saw back at the gift shop.

Oh, Mr.

Willis, you're so sweet.

Yes. Well, I'll just go and buy it for you. Be right back.

Mr.

Heyman, Mr. Bruce Heyman, please meet your party at the baggage claim area.

Oh, hello.

Are you going to Acapulco?

Mm -hmm.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Me, too.

Are you going to Acapulco on business or

pleasure?

I don't want to be dizzy.

Right.

There you are.

Helen, what are you doing here?

I'm going with you.

Louise made me see how silly I was.

Honey, I'm sorry about the whole situation.

So am I.

Very sorry.

What are you doing with this teddy bear?

This? Oh, well, I just bought it so I wouldn't be lonesome on the plane.

What? I'm just kidding, Helen. I really bought it for this little boy over here.

He looks so lonely. Here, little boy.

How'd you like to have a brand new teddy bear?

How many times have I told you not to take things from strangers?

you think something's wrong.

Well, honey, why are you squirming around like that?

Well, because I... Because I... Because I have to go to the bathroom.

Do you know how long the flight will last?

I'm not sure.

You see, the last time I lost track after my fifth margarita... Well, if you

five margaritas...

You must have landed an hour after the plane did.

Miss Smith, Miss Junie Smith, please refer to the flight information.

That's me. I'll be right back.

Tom, what are you doing?

I'm going to the bathroom.

Here?

Of course not.

But I thought you already went to the bathroom. Well, I did, but...

I forgot to put in the dime.

Judy.

Oh, hi, Mr. Willis. I think it would be a better idea if you took a later

flight.

Why? Oh, because I don't want you to miss that glorious Mexican sunset.

But why? Oh, it's important. I know J .R. would want it this way.

But what about you?

Oh, and I want it this way, too.

Now, here, this will cover your ticket.

Okay, Mr.

Willis, then I'll see you in Acapulco.

Oh, Tom, I can't wait until we get to Acapulco. Oh, neither can I. Maybe we

ought to try and get on the plane now. Why?

Oh, we don't want to miss it.

Oh, Tom, why don't you just relax? There's absolutely nothing to worry

Oh, of course, Ellen. You're right. I was just acting silly.

Mr. Willis! Yes?

You forgot to give me my teddy bear.

That's your teddy bear?

Yes. Mr.

Willis bought it for me.

Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom again.

No, Tom.

Oh, sure.

We're going to be spending four days in Acapulco together.

Now, Helen. Four days, huh?

Well, actually, it's only three days.

But it's four nights.

do such a thing.

Are you sure you're not mistaken?

Louise, I know what I saw. I'm not blind.

No, just colorblind.

George, can't you be more considerate?

Helen needs kindness and understanding.

Yeah, you're right, Louise.

Look, Helen, I'm sorry your old man dumped you for a floozy.

Is there anything I can do to help?

Yeah.

Shut up.

I've always told you that mixed marriages don't work.

Tom and Helen have been married for 28 years.

See, it was just a matter of time.

Hey, what is it, old sly doggy?

Helen. Keep your hands to yourself.

That's right. If you'd done that in the first place, you wouldn't be in this

mess.

Get out of this, George. It isn't your affair.

Oh, that's right, Weezy. It's his affair.

Hey!

George, it's not an affair.

Oh, so it's gone beyond that.

Helen, it hasn't gone anywhere.

It almost went to Acapulco.

George, stay out of this.

Their marriage is in enough trouble already.

Oh, Louise!

Helen,

I know what it must have looked like, but you made a big mistake.

Yeah. I married you.

That girl you saw me with, she means nothing to me. What we were doing was

strictly business.

Business? How much did you have to pay her?

I didn't have to pay her anything.

She works for free?

Yes. I mean, no.

No, I mean, not for me. I had a look. I'm here with you. I'm not on the plane.

That's just too bad, Tom, because if you were on the plane, at least you'd have

a place to sleep tonight.

Helen! Oh, what am I going to do?

Well, the way I see it, Willis, you got two choices. The Holiday Inn or the

YMCA.

George, don't be ridiculous.

You believe me, don't you, Louise?

Tom, if you say there was nothing to it, I believe you.

But I'm not the one you have to convince.

Oh, I wish Helen were as open -minded as you, Louise.

I've had a lot of practice.

Maybe if I spoke to Helen... Oh, would you? Oh, I'd be eternally grateful.

Oh, I'd be forever in your debt. I'd be...

I'd be able to sleep at home tonight.

I'll give it a try, Tom. Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Willis, don't let this get you down.

I mean, there's an easy way to get out of this.

Oh? How?

Just get a better lawyer than Helen.

A lawyer? I don't need a lawyer. Ha, ha. The hell you don't.

You know the rules of romance.

You want to play, you got to pay.

George, Helen and I are happily married. At least we were until this afternoon.

Don't worry, Willis. I won't desert you in your time of need. Oh, thanks,

George.

After you get divorced, all your dry cleaning will be half price.

Divorce? I'm not getting a divorce.

Yeah, your girlfriend ain't gonna like that.

She's not my girlfriend.

I love Helen.

What could I possibly want with Judy Smith?

Hi, I'm Judy Smith.

Well, Willis, if you don't know what to do with this, Helen ain't got nothing to

worry about.

Miss Smith, what are you doing here?

Luckily, you told me you were going home.

But how did you know where I live?

Luckily, I had the office directory in my purse.

But how did you know I'd be in this apartment?

Luckily, the doorman told me.

Sounds like you had a lot of luck today.

Too bad I can't say the same for you.

Oh, just a minute.

George, what are you doing? She can't stay here.

Why not?

Because of you -know -who.

Don't worry, Willis. God forgives everybody.

I'm talking about Helen.

Don't worry about Helen. I was wrong.

I know now there's no way that you and Judy could have had a, you know... Thank

you, George.

I mean, one look at this fox and I know there's no way that she would go out

with a meatball like you.

Here, you go.

If you hurry, you can still catch the last flight.

But what about you?

Oh, don't worry about me. I'll be fine.

But what will I tell J .R.? Look, dear, you tell J .R. that... Tom!

Now, Helen, don't start jumping to conclusions.

The only thing I'm going to jump to is your throat.

Hey, what are you doing here?

I'm here to see my husband.

Oh, is he your husband?

Hey, watch your mouth.

I'm her husband.

What? You mean... You two are... That's right, Miss Smith.

Miss? Couldn't you two do better than that?

Ellen, Miss Smith wasn't going to Mexico to be with me. She was going to be with

somebody else.

Yeah? Who?

Oh, I can't tell you.

Well, you've just told me all I want to know. All right, Helen, go ahead.

There's no point in trying to hide it any longer.

I've been madly in love with Judy for a long time now.

You have?

Yes.

Oh, Judy, from the first time I laid eyes on you, I knew I had to have you.

I know what we planned in Acapulco, but when we get there, I'm not sharing you

with anyone.

What will Mr. Kramer say?

Mr. Kramer?

Are you messing around with Tom's boss?

Not anymore.

need the aggravation. My dentist is just dying to take me to Aspen.

What am I going to tell Mr. Kramer?

Tell him I'm having my teeth fixed.

Get a job.

What? Because when that plane lands in Acapulco without Judy on it, I'm going

lose mine.

Tom, do you really think you could get fired over this?

Why not? He almost got divorced.

Now, Tom, don't you worry.

Mr. Kramer isn't going to fire anybody.

Who's going to stop him?

I am. You?

Mm -hmm.

Remember, Mrs. Kramer and I have lunch once a month.

Well, so what? She doesn't even know about Judy.

She will, if Mr. Kramer tries to fire you.

Oh, you're beautiful.

And I'll be even more beautiful lying on the beach in Acapulco.

Oh.

Let's go.

All right.

Oh, I don't know what to say. Goodbye or adios.

Whichever's quicker.

I sure was dumb getting mad at Tom.

Well, I know how I'd feel if I saw you at the airport with that girl.

Look, Weez, you don't have to worry about me. I'd never go out with a woman

that. Honest, George?

Never. Oh, George.

Not unless she was black.

What? It was just a joke, Weez.

The Jeffersons was videotaped in front of a studio audience.