Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on now. We're moving on now.

such little bit of noise.

How can somebody with such a tiny head have such a big mouth?

What you doing up so late?

Can't sleep.

What's the matter? You lose your teddy bear?

No, but you're gonna lose your job if you don't knock it off.

But you don't go in the kitchen this time of night.

I gotta turn out the light. The light ain't on in the kitchen. It will be when

open the refrigerator.

Aren't you coming to bed?

Oh, hi, Weezy. I'll be there in a minute. It's early yet.

It's after midnight.

After midnight?

Boy, Tom Short is flying right in the middle of a good book.

A schoolgirl's guide to dressmaking?

George, this book is from my grammar school sewing class.

I know that, Weezy.

Well, why are you reading a book about him, Stitchy?

Because I'm in the cleaning business, Weezy. I can never learn too much about

clothes.

You know, George, you've been burning an awful lot of midnight oil lately.

Say what?

It seems like you've been staying up every night till I'm asleep.

What do you mean by that?

Well, the way you are acting, one might think you don't want to come to bed.

What do you mean by that?

I mean, what do you mean by that?

Huh?

Well, you think I'm trying to hide something? You said I'm afraid to come

bed? I mean... Look, Weezy.

Everything is fine. Just don't worry about it.

What would there be to worry about?

Like I said, nothing.

George, you're being ridiculous.

I'm going to bed.

You can stay up till New Year's if you want.

Oh, come on, Weezy, look.

I didn't mean nothing. You go to bed. I'll be there in a couple minutes.

You sure you don't want to come now?

No, I want to finish reading that last chapter.

Of course, George.

Anything you say.

You sure there's nothing I can do? What do you mean by that?

Oh, forget it, George. Good night.

Good night.

And don't wait up. This is a long chapter.

Well, I'm going to bed. You ain't gonna see me no more till morning.

I hope not.

If I catch you sneaking around again, I'm gonna hang a bell around your neck.

That's all right.

It'll match the ball and chain. You gotta rob my leg.

I get my minds on other things.

You worried about Mr. Jefferson not sleeping lately?

Yes. I'm afraid he has insomnia.

Well, it's gonna get worse if he don't get some sleep.

You know, I think we have a pair of earplugs in our bathroom cabinet.

Earplugs? What George needs is absolute quiet.

Well, if you want absolute quiet, don't plug his ears, plug his mouth.

Here,

Florence, put these in the cupboard.

That's an awful lot of pills.

You must have a big headache.

Yeah, you.

Vitamin E.

Yeah. E is supposed to build a man up.

Well, if you're going to try to build up that puny little body, you need to hold

out for them.

Put those away out there at the door.

These oysters arrived for you, Mr. Jefferson.

Yes, sir.

I rushed them up here as quickly as I could.

I didn't want them to spoil.

You didn't have to rush. They packed in ice.

Oh. But if I didn't hurry, the ice would have melted.

And, of course, I had to take the back stairs, too. Keep out of sight.

Why'd you have to do that?

Well, sir, you know, some oysters have pearls in them.

I had to take precaution against being hijacked on the way up here.

Oh. You think these oysters got pearls in them? Of course.

Here you go. Keep the change.

preparing a Chinese dinner and I was wondering if I might borrow some peanut

oil. We don't use peanut oil. Our peanuts don't squeak.

I see that you're having oysters.

You know, oysters Rockefeller is one of my favorites.

Oh, yeah? Well, money Rockefeller is one of mine.

You know, of course, that oysters are an aphrodisiac.

I sure wouldn't buy no honky -desiac.

No, I mean that oysters are supposed to be a sexual stimulant. I didn't know

that. I was born for the flavor.

Oh, I never knew you were an oyster lover.

Oh, sure. I've been loving oysters for years.

What's that?

Well, they look like oysters. Here.

What am I supposed to do with these?

Take them in the kitchen and roast them.

Roast them?

Well, barbecue them. I like them both ways.

You know, there are all kinds of aphrodisiacs. I had an uncle who was

in India. He used to swear by powdered rhinoceros horn. He ate great quantities

of it. Oh, yeah? Did it pepper with the lovelace?

Oh, yes, indeed. Although there was one unfortunate side effect.

Every spring, he went berserk and tore up a sofa with his nose.

Oh, hello, Mr. Bentley.

Is there something I can do for you? Thank you, Mr. J. I wanted to borrow

peanut oil.

Penelope and I are dining at my place tonight.

Oh, it's in the kitchen. Florence will give it to you. Oh, thank you. Tonight,

plan to make a Cantonese duck.

Oh. How are you going to do that? Throw a rock at his head?

Well, that's very funny, Mr. J. I must remember that. How do you make duck

Cantonese throw a rock at its head?

That's very funny.

I don't know why, but it's very funny.

I know one thing. You can't make a Cantonese duck out of an English turkey.

George, can I talk to you about something?

Sure, please, anything.

It's about you and not coming to bed nights.

Some other time, Weasley. Why not now?

Well, because I gotta answer the door.

Helen! Come in, good to see you.

Hey, talk to Louise.

Well, I really can't stay.

Why not?

You always stayed before.

That's only because I can't resist your charming personality.

I know, nobody can.

Louise, would you like two tickets to the ballet tonight?

You and Tom aren't going?

No. Tom and I are having a candlelight dinner at home tonight.

Alone.

Oh?

Oh, Louise, Tom is in one of his romantic moods again.

He's a real tiger. A tiger?

That overstuffed mouse?

It's like a honeymoon all over again. In the last week, we've won out three

Johnny Mathis records.

Why, what's got into Tom?

I don't know.

But whatever it is, I ain't gonna fight it.

I'll be right back.

George, where are you going? Up to see my good friend Tom.

Your what?

My ace boom coon. I ain't seen my old buddy in a long time.

You saw him yesterday.

Like I said, we got a lot of catching up to do. But look, just make yourself at

home. Talk as much as you want.

What?

What's got into him?

I wish I knew.

He's been acting very strange lately.

Well, what do you say, Louise? Can you use these ballet tickets?

Thanks, Helen, but I don't think so. I'm going to try to get George to sleep

early tonight.

Excuse me, but did I overhear you say you had extra tickets for the ballet

tonight? Two of them, Mr. Bentley, free of charge. Can you use them? Oh, yes,

indeed. Thank you.

You're sure you won't regret it?

No way.

Well, thanks again, and may I say on behalf of Penelope and myself that it

like a foul evening ahead.

A foul evening? Yes, a Cantonese duck followed by Swan Lake.

Damn,

I should have made that one.

Look, I want to talk to you man to man.

Sure, go ahead. What is it? I mean, straightforward.

No beating around the bush.

Oh, how do you like that?

I think this floor breaks to the right.

I'm trying to talk to you and you're talking to the floor.

Will you listen to me? I am listening.

Look, I want to ask you a question. I want a straight answer. Go ahead. What

it?

What's your secret?

Well, actually, it's all in the grip.

See, I have this overlapping... Oh, I thought you were talking about golf.

No, I'm more like baseball.

Baseball? Yeah, you know, like... Well, take Reggie Jackson, for instance. When

he comes up to the plate, he swings and strikes out, right?

But the next time, he hits the home run, right?

Right. Or he could foul out. Damn it, I don't want to...

That's my problem.

Your problem is not fouling out?

No, my problem is not getting up to the plate.

George, what are you talking about?

Well, uh... Uh, Willis, uh... Did you ever have any trouble in bed?

Gee, I don't think so.

Not since I was potty trained, anyway.

I don't mean that kind of trouble, you dumb turkey.

I mean, uh, well, you know.

Oh, you mean that kind of trouble. Right.

Never.

Why do you ask?

Oh, well, because, uh, you know, this friend of mine, he's got that problem.

Naturally, I don't know nothing about that.

So I figured I'd ask you.

Why doesn't your friend talk with his doctor?

Well, because he doesn't want to worry him.

Huh? Well, you know, it's a family doc. He's an old friend.

Oh. Oh, I understand.

Yeah, so, uh, he'd rather see a stranger.

You know any strange doctors?

I do know a doctor who specializes in that kind of problem. Dr.

Beamish. Hey, that's great. Why don't you give me Dr. Beamish's phone number?

And I'll pass it on to my friend.

Oh,

I see.

Hi, Helen.

Tom was just teaching me how to put.

Oh, George, you poor man.

Look, he ain't that bad of a teacher.

No. Louise just told me all about your problems. What?

Helen,

look. Oh, that's all right, George. It's only an inexpensive day. No, I ain't

talking about that. What did Louise tell you? About the problem you've been

having.

What problem?

Why, the one you've been having at night.

You mean she knows?

Of course she knows.

Even I can tell.

You can?

Look, Helen, why don't we... What do you mean you can tell?

George, anybody can tell that you're suffering from insomnia.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

No wonder she's upset. Look how irritable you are.

Yeah, I know. It's just not like me.

Well, anyway, look.

Let me get back downstairs. Look, I'll call you later. You can give me Dr.

Beamish's number, okay? Sure, George.

Dr. Beamish?

Oh, yeah.

He's a vet.

You know, animal doctor.

He's got this sick cat.

See you all later.

Tom, is that the same Dr. Beamish I know?

The psychiatrist?

Yes. You see, it's not just insomnia. It's their sex life.

George is worried about his lack of drive.

Oh, Louise never said anything to me about that.

I don't think she even noticed.

Wouldn't something like that be hard to miss?

But Louise thinks it's insomnia. I'm going to tell her the truth.

And I'll look up Dr. Beamish's phone number for George.

Oh, Tom.

Wait a minute.

We don't have to rush.

Huh? Well, Dr.

Beamish won't be in until tomorrow.

Right? Well, yeah.

Put on a Johnny Mathis record.

Mr.

Jefferson?

Oh, man, I hate to see the bill I'm going to get for all of this. What do

mean?

I've never seen a doctor with so many secretaries.

One lady shows me in here, now here you come to take me someplace else.

Well, let's go see old Dr. Beamish.

I'm old Dr.

Beamish.

You driving? You a doctor? A real doctor. Got a diploma and a Mercedes.

Yeah, well, I was expecting a man.

I don't want to strip down in front of no woman. No, I'm not that kind of a

doctor. I'm a psychiatrist.

Yeah, but see, I was just expecting a regular doctor. You know, a man with a

white robe and earphones around his neck.

Pocket full of those popsicle sticks to look down your throat.

You ain't even got a scale.

Mr. Jefferson, I examine your mind.

But my head is not where the problem is.

That dumb Willis, he don't know one end from the other.

Why don't you just sit down and tell me what your problem is?

Tell you?

Yes.

Well... Okay.

Well, sometimes at night... Well, no, I mean... Well, uh... Oh, yeah, you know,

like in the Bible?

When a snake gives Adam and Eve an apple and turns them both on? Mm -hmm.

Well, that same snake could give me and my wife a whole barrel of apples and

nothing would happen.

Oh, you mean Mrs. Jefferson is unresponsive.

No, it's not her. It's me.

I've just been hitting a lot of foul balls lately.

What?

In other words, it's been a month since old Cupid zapped one of those arrows

into our bedroom.

Well, that's not unusual.

And a week before that?

Also not unheard of.

Yeah, but I don't know when the last time was I turned out the light and

Wheezy say those three little words.

I love you?

No, I got a headache.

I think I understand.

Tell me, Mr. Jefferson, have you had any special business problems lately?

Well, yeah, I've been having a lot of trouble with the store in Queens.

There, you see?

No, what?

Stress, Mr. Jefferson.

Yours is a very common complaint with men.

Yeah, old men.

No, age has very little to do with it.

That's what you say.

As I said, Mr. Jefferson, yours is a very common complaint.

But it's almost always temporary.

It'll pass.

Yeah, but when?

Well, as soon as you get rid of the stress, you'll probably go back to being

your old self again.

Oh, you mean when I stop worrying about the store in Queens, my problem will

end? I wouldn't be at all surprised.

But I could have trouble with that store for a whole year.

I need help quick.

Well, there are other ways to solve your marital difficulties.

Yeah? Well, what are they?

If all else fails, you might consider a surrogate.

A lawyer? We don't want to get divorced.

No, a sexual surrogate.

Say what?

A trained woman.

Trained in what?

Well, with her you have talking and touching and ultimately the full

experience.

You mean me and her? With her you'll do what you're afraid to do until you do it

right.

Are you jiving? I jive you not.

But I'm married.

So is she.

Shame on her.

Mr. Jefferson, it's up to you. But if you change your mind, I can call and

an appointment for you.

Are you kidding? You're asking me to cheat on my wife? No, it's not cheating.

It's called therapy.

Not where I grew up, it ain't.

You should have your mouth washed out with soap.

Some doctor you are.

Marcus Welby would never tell a guy to do something like that.

George, he dribbled out of Charlie's bar.

Oh, bring him in, Raoul.

I ain't no good.

I almost went to a demonstrator.

Don't worry, I didn't go.

I passed out before I got out of the bar.

You what?

I said, nobody knows.

I had to lift him off the sidewalk in order to get him to his feet.

Oh, that was nice of you, Ralph. Then dust him off. He was covered with dust

stuff.

Here, Ralph. Thank you, ma 'am.

Say, you got a little extra coming.

Would you like me to carry something?

No, no.

Move a little chair around?

No, no, Ralph.

You can make up the difference some other time. Yes, ma 'am. And I'll

Yes, ma 'am.

No! Now that's a dude that's been sipping the sauce.

It's not his fault. He's got a problem.

Oh, yeah?

What kind of problem?

Oh, never mind. Helen Willis told me all about it. I ain't the man I used to be.

That's good news.

Florence, please.

Oh, I think I've got an idea.

Florence, give me a hand getting Mr. Jefferson into the bedroom.

Hurry before he wakes up.

Hold him.

Hold him while I take his clothes off. I won't either.

Lawrence, this is no time for modesty. I need your help. I'm sorry. Two things I

don't do.

Windows and zippers.

Just cover your eyes and be careful.

He's a light sleeper.

All right. Well, hurry up.

Oh, Lars, he's waking up. I have to go in the bathroom and change.

Hurry, help me finish undressing him. I can't do that, Miss Jefferson.

Why not? Because I'm going to be in my room with the dough locked.

Wait!

George.

George. Huh?

Wake up.

What happened?

Oh, don't be so modest.

Say what? You know what I'm talking about, you tiger.

Tiger.

George,

you were wonderful.

Oh, I was that good, huh?

Threw like a champ.

You mean like Reggie Jackson hitting the home run in the night?

Better.

Good night, George.

Good night?

What are you talking about, Weasley? This game's going into extra innings.

The Jeffersons was videotaped in front of a studio audience.