Original subtitles

Well, we're moving on up. We're moving on up.

I went to a luau once, and he got into a fight.

A fight?

Yeah. A waiter came up to him and said, Poi.

And George said, Who you calling boy?

And then he hit him.

Gave him a nice Hawaiian punch, eh?

You know, like on the television.

A nice Hawaiian... Did you like the hula dance?

Oh, yes.

Yeah, the lovely hula. Oh, come on, Mrs. J. Dance.

Lovely hula hands, graceful as a bird in motion.

Throwing on across the ocean.

What the hell is this, a gong show?

Hi, George.

Aloha, Mr.

J. Aloha. Say what?

Aloha means hello in Hawaiian.

Strangely enough, it also means goodbye. Is that right?

Isn't that fascinating?

That wasn't very nice. Why do you always do that?

Look, Weezy, I want Bentley out of here. I'm expecting somebody any minute. Who?

Bill Jessup, stockbroker.

Bill Jessup?

Isn't that your friend who lost his job six months ago? Yep.

How is the poor man?

The poor man is rich.

What? That's right. I bumped into Jessup today. He's making a fortune in the

stock market. He is?

Your stocks have all been losing money.

That's because my broker is Fred Hanneman. When he talks, nobody listens.

I'm meeting with Bill Jessup's man today. His name is, uh, Roy Crandall.

Well, what makes you think this Roy Crandall will do better? Well, he's a

-man operation. He can play his hunches. That's how you make a fortune

overnight. He could also be a way to lose one.

Oh, we?

Flora! She went to the store.

Damn. I want her to make some hors d 'oeuvres for Roy Crandall. Uh, George,

don't you think you're taking a risk?

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Florence's food might kill the poor guy.

all I mean about changing stockbrokers.

Look, we've got to gamble in life, you know that?

I sure do.

I married you, didn't I?

Hey,

Foxy Mama.

Don't get fresh with me, turkey.

That wasn't me, miss. That was J .P.

And who's J .P.? Thought you'd never ask.

Hey, are you a ventriloquist?

That's right.

J .P., tell the lady you're sorry.

Only thing I'm sorry about is I'm not sitting on her arm.

You know, I got a cousin that lives in this building.

You have?

Yeah, he's a coffee table in 4C.

Well, he loves it. He's not used to 31 and falling all over.

No, I mean this elevator. The darn thing's stuck.

No sweat, Toots. My friend will have to fix it in no time.

Push that start button, then.

Why me?

Because your arm is longer than mine.

It's not moving. What do we do now?

What any sensible person would do.

Oh, shoot. I was hoping I'd get to spend some time with you.

Well, this is my floor. See you.

Hey, where you going?

Looks like you're going to the same place we're going.

Are you George Jefferson's wife?

Now, I got a lot of problems, but that ain't one of them.

My name is Roy Crandall, and I'm here to see George Jefferson.

My name is Florence, and that sure ain't why I'm here.

Blanche, do me a favor.

I got... Hey!

Who's the guy with the dummy?

Watch what you say about my friend. He's smarter than he looks.

Mr. Jefferson, I'm Roy Crandall.

Ah! You're the stockbroker?

That's a matter of opinion.

Keep talking like that and I'm gonna put termites in your pockets.

Hey, Weasley, come here.

This is Roy Crandall, the stockbroker I've been telling you about. Real

to meet you, Mrs. Jefferson.

Yeah, he took the words right out my mouth.

Pleased to meet you. Or both.

He's going to help us make a lot of money, right, Crandall? Don't bet on it.

dropped a bundle in the market the other day.

He did? Yeah, a shouting bag broke.

Oh.

Hey, Crandall, why don't you have a seat?

Don't bother pulling up the chair for me. I'll just sit on his knee.

I got to give it to you, Crandall. You're the first stockbroker I ever met

carries a dump... I mean, a friend around with him on business calls.

That's the whole point, Mr. Jefferson. J .P. here is a great asset to me.

Yeah, I do all the thinking for him.

Actually, he's a big promotional help. He sure is. People ain't about to forget

something like you two.

You mean you take your friend with you everywhere you go?

I have to. He's got a driver's license.

Yeah, but you have other talents, J .P. Why don't you sing something for our

friends? How's it go?

How does what go? Something for our friends.

Look, I'll do the rhythm.

You do the lyrics.

Ready? Ready.

Hand on, hand on, have you heard?

Papa gonna buy you a mockingbird.

Now, if that mockingbird don't sing, Papa gonna buy you a diamond ring.

Gonna take a little walk, gonna take a little walk, gonna take a little walk to

the railroad track.

Oh, that's wonderful.

He's just like a real person.

Yeah, he fools a lot of people.

Hey, man, how come you ain't a chauvinist?

I was, but playing one -night stands just didn't put food on the table.

Right on.

I lost so much weight, I look like a number two pencil with glasses.

But you're really good.

He should be. I taught him anything he knows.

We stuck at it for a while, but now JP and I, we just do it for fun.

It's amazing how you can talk without opening your mouth, Mr. Crandall. Big

deal. I can talk with my mouth closed.

See? Mouth ain't moving a bit.

with my mouth shut. I wish you could do anything with your mouth shut.

Florence, ain't you got something to do?

Like what? Like putting those groceries away. Me and Mr. Crane have got to talk

business. Come on, Florence. I'll help you. Thank you, Miss Jefferson.

I'll get the door for you.

Now let's talk turkey.

Who you calling turkey?

That's a figure of speech, J .P. Don't you know anything?

Ain't I thought you two cheat to die near drain?

Man, Quail, it's going to be great doing business with you.

Look, Mr. Jefferson, before we decide to talk business, I want you to know my

investment philosophy.

Oh. Want me to tell him?

Do you know?

Do you know?

Yeah, I know. Then I know, Donnie.

See, what he's going to tell you is to start knocking his inner stable.

That's unstable, J .P., not inner stable.

Oh, that's good. It's a marketless interstate, so we might get our shoes

See, Mr. Jefferson, listed securities are very shaky right now.

Over -the -counter stocks are your best bet. High risk with a potential high

return. Now you're talking about language.

He always talks, not language.

I just want you to know what to expect.

Oh, I know what to expect. Money, just like Bill Jessup's, right? Yep, I

all of his investments, and today he's worth $1 million.

Of course, when he lures Cain to you, he'll lure $10 million.

Cradle, I like your style.

I'll take out his clothes.

As long as you're willing to trust me, Mr. Jefferson, I think everything will

work out nicely.

Trust you? I trust you so much, I'm going to put my money where my mouth is.

Nobody's got a robe that big.

Here you go.

$5 ,000, huh?

Well, you know, that's just a little starter. Invest it in anything you want.

As long as it brings those quick returns.

Quick returns?

How about yo -yos?

Yo -yos, that's funny.

I got a million of them, pretty lady. If you want to hear more, how about dinner

tonight?

Well... Oh, come on, my friend would ask you, but he's too shy.

Well, in that case, I'd love to, but only if you're good.

Oh, he'll be good.

Or else.

Or else what?

Or else he'll make firewood out of me.

Pick you up around 6, Florence?

Good, I'll be ready.

You better get going. Yeah, I'll go with you. See you later, Mrs. Jefferson.

Goodbye, Mr.

Crandall. Bye, J .P. Bye, Mrs. Jefferson.

Maybe we'll invest that five grand in spaceships.

Spaceships? Yeah, they're bound to go up.

Isn't that Mr.

Crandall's... Something.

Yeah, he's a sharp dude, all right. Just what I've been looking for. He makes

you feel like J .P. is a real person.

You know something?

Carrying that dummy around with him is a good gimmick.

Who you calling?

Fred Hammerman, my old stockbroker. I just want him to... Hammerman!

Yeah, George Jefferson.

Okay. Oh, listen, uh, you and me ain't gonna be doing business together

Well, I just made up my mind.

You just take all my stocks and have them transferred over to Roy Crandall.

Yeah, that's right, Crandall.

Oh, you know him?

He's laughing.

Huh?

You're jiving.

No, I don't think it's funny.

What's wrong, George?

Hammerman tells me that Crandall ain't playing with a full dick.

He spent a year in a nut house.

You mean he was in a mental hospital?

That's right.

Damn. I should have known anybody that carries a dummy around when it's got to

be nuts.

Well, where are you going?

I'm going to the bank to stop payment on... on that check before Crandall

it to the Easter Bunny. But George, you just got through saying you were with

Mr. Crandall all the way.

Yeah, I was. All the way until I found out he was a cuckoo flying over the

Wait. Did Crandall call?

No. Why?

I left a message on his answering service that I had stopped payment on a

So if he calls... If he calls, you talk to him. I have to leave for a meeting at

the help center. Oh, Wheezy, there ain't no telling what a guy like that's gonna

do. I just hope he don't get mad and fly off the handle.

George, you're the one who's flying off the handle. Say what? You're

overreacting.

Overreacted, Wheezy? The guy was definitely in a funny farm.

I spent two hours finding out for sure.

You mean you went around spying on him? Yeah.

And it wasn't easy. People don't want to get up off of that kind of information.

Of course not. It's none of your business.

It is my business. That nut could have cost me a fortune.

George, do you really think it's right not to do business with a person just

because he's had an emotional problem?

Emotional problem, Weezy? We are talking about a dude who was in a mental home.

But if he's out now, he's probably perfectly sane.

Perfectly sane. Now, how many perfectly sane people do you know that spend all

their time with a dummy?

Besides me.

Come on, Weezy, be serious.

Look, George, you were in reform school once. Does that mean you're still a

criminal? Look, we said it's different. Being in reform school ain't got nothing

to do with having no brains.

You are so right.

You know what I mean. I mean, being in reform school ain't like being in a

bin. Yeah, I know what you mean, George. Once a nut, always a nut, right?

Right.

Speaking of nuts, where's Florence?

She's at the beauty parlor.

Oh, the beauty parlor. Well, I guess we won't see her for about two months.

She's getting her hair done for her date with Mr. Crandall.

A date with Crandall? You mean to tell me she's still going to go out with him?

Of course she is. Well, Wheezy, didn't you tell that to guys out of the...

George, Florence met Mr. Crandall and she likes him.

Why should I slander the man by telling Florence about his past?

Because that psycho's past could mess up Florence's future.

George, you're being ridiculous.

Wheezy, what... Oh, Florence, your hair looks terrific.

Oh, thank you, Miss Jefferson. Yeah.

You don't look like your normal self at all.

I sure hope Roy likes it. Look, Florence, it's about this Roy. Weasley,

going to... George, mind your own business.

You know, I never met anybody like him before.

He sure is crazy.

He sure is.

Well, Florence, enjoy yourself with Mr.

Crandall. I have to go to my meeting.

Look, Weasley, if you ain't going to tell her, I will.

Tell me what?

George decided not to do business with Mr. Crandall. Why?

Because George Jefferson don't do no business with no village idiot.

George found out that Mr. Crandall spent some time in a mental hospital.

Mental hospital?

You mean I spent all afternoon getting my hair set for a crazy man?

Florence, that's not fair. Mr. Crandall's not crazy.

Then what was he doing on the funny farm?

Somebody's at the door.

Sounds like a woodpecker.

Uh -oh, it's the cuckoo bird.

Mr. Crandall, come in.

Hi, folks.

Hi. I was just leaving.

Hope to see you later.

Me too.

Bye, Mrs. Jefferson.

Wow. Check that foxy hairdo.

Marsh, you look great.

Thanks. Oh, Mr. Jefferson, I got your message.

See, I just figured I ain't gonna be buying no stocks for a while.

What made you change your mind?

Was it my dress?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, I just changed my mind a lot. That's all. Right, Florence?

Right. He sure does.

Oh, that's too bad.

I was gonna buy you 500 shares of United Worm Ranches.

Worm Ranches?

John, I'm sorry I missed out on that.

You mean there are herds of worms?

Well, they have plots of land where they raise worms. It's a booming business.

Oh, sounds like a great idea.

I ain't never heard of raising a worm.

You can raise anything.

My father -in -law can even raise mashed potatoes.

Mashed potatoes?

Yeah.

How can I raise mashed potatoes?

With a spoon.

Listen now, don't you three like mashed potatoes?

I think I'm beginning to lose my appetite.

Maybe you'll get it back when you sign out while they're going to dinner.

Yeah, I made reservations at the old chowder club.

I wanted to tell her.

Best clam chowder in the country.

It's in Boston.

Boston?

Massachusetts.

I thought we'd fly up there in my plane.

Your plane?

JP, here's my co -pilot.

Oh, no, I ain't going up in no plane with JP.

Well, if you don't like to fly, we can go to dinner around here somewhere.

Oh.

Florence is trying to tell you is that she'd rather not go to dinner with you

all. Yeah, I'm sorry. I got a terrible headache.

J .P., I think something's wrong here, and it's not your breath.

You mean it's your breath?

Uh, look, I was just thinking, why don't we all just say goodbye, and you and

your friend go out and, uh, take in a Daffy Duck cartoon?

You know, what's that?

Electrical short will let the smoke clear out in no time.

Uh, I just want to thank you for saving my wife's life.

Oh, don't thank me. Thank him. He's the one who kept his head.

Crandall, I thought you split.

I heard Mrs. Jefferson's voice coming from downstairs, so I ran down to the

floor. Why not think of that?

Mr. Crandall yelled through the doors and told me to push these little round

buttons. Pickup rollers. They released mechanical interlock.

And then I got the doors open, I jumped down three feet, and he caught me.

Who do you think you are, man? Spider -Man?

Oh, I say, what an incredible dummy.

Yeah, I sure am. Me too.

Well, now that you're safe, Mrs. J., I've got to hurry off to my luau.

Aloha and toodle -pip.

Well, how about us just going back inside?

Hey,

that was some quick thinking you did there, Crandall.

How'd you know what to do?

You'd be surprised what a crazy man like me knows.

Yeah, well... Well, I'll tell you the truth. I thought that... I know what you

thought. You thought since I spent some time in a mental hospital, I might still

be crazy.

Well, why'd they throw you in the nut... I mean, in the hospital anyway?

Nobody threw me in. I admit it myself.

I felt I was burning myself out.

Huh? Yeah, he was having problems.

Even when I talked to him, he yelled at me.

And we left show business.

I tried to act the way normal people do.

It was driving me crazy.

What I learned in that hospital is to be myself.

Me too.

Well, how come you didn't tell me when I first met you that you had spent time

in a mental hospital?

How come you didn't tell Mr.

Crandall that you had spent some time in reform school?

Will you stop talking about me being in reform school?

It's in the past. It don't matter no more.

You're right, George.

It is in the past, and it doesn't matter anymore.

Uh, well, uh, Crandall, I want to write you another check if you still want to

do business with me.

Sure, but you can mail the check to me tomorrow.

Well, bye, y 'all.

Well, hey, wait a minute. What about our dinner date?

You mean you still want to go?

Yeah, I didn't go to hairdresser for nothing. I'm going to get my money's

Well, in that case, I'd love to take you to dinner.

No, you wouldn't.

I'm taking us all to dinner. Maybe by the time we get back, the elevator will

fixed. Knock on wood.

Don't touch me, Jack.

Hey, J .P., why don't you give me a little more of that ham bone?

was videotaped in front of a studio audience.