Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:49,570 --> 00:00:51,390
He's gone too far this time, dude.
2
00:00:51,390 --> 00:00:53,790
The stuff he's saying about Jews is out of control.
3
00:00:53,790 --> 00:00:55,310
Bro, you just got to ignore him.
4
00:00:55,310 --> 00:00:56,700
Bro, it's pretty hard to ignore him
5
00:00:56,700 --> 00:00:58,360
when he's saying it all on a podcast.
6
00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:00,840
He actually said that all women are whores,
7
00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:03,280
and the only thing we're good at is murdering babies.
8
00:01:03,410 --> 00:01:04,710
Look, guys, just leave it alone.
9
00:01:04,710 --> 00:01:06,060
Don't give him any more attention.
10
00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:07,710
That's easy for you to say, dude.
11
00:01:07,710 --> 00:01:09,540
Yeah, you are one of the multitudes of groups
12
00:01:09,540 --> 00:01:11,500
he's spewing his stupid shit about.
13
00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:12,500
Hey, guys.
14
00:01:12,500 --> 00:01:13,810
Who are you talking about?
15
00:01:13,810 --> 00:01:14,500
both: Clyde.
16
00:01:14,940 --> 00:01:15,900
Clyde?
17
00:01:16,070 --> 00:01:18,250
Yeah, and his stupid debating podcast.
18
00:01:18,250 --> 00:01:19,510
Hey, here he comes.
19
00:01:20,990 --> 00:01:21,990
Whatever, guys.
20
00:01:21,990 --> 00:01:23,900
Prove me wrong. Prove me wrong.
21
00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:26,430
You don't know a thing about the Jewish people.
22
00:01:26,430 --> 00:01:28,650
Yeah, and shut up about girls' bodies.
23
00:01:28,740 --> 00:01:31,350
Well, that sounds like a very female and Jew thing to say.
24
00:01:31,350 --> 00:01:32,350
If you guys don't like it,
25
00:01:32,610 --> 00:01:34,180
why don't you come debate me on my podcast?
26
00:01:34,390 --> 00:01:36,960
We're not indulging your stupid podcast.
27
00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:38,400
Yeah, screw you, fat ass.
28
00:01:40,310 --> 00:01:41,790
Wha-- what?
29
00:01:43,530 --> 00:01:45,010
Now, as your counselor,
30
00:01:45,010 --> 00:01:46,970
I want to try and understand why you're doing
31
00:01:46,970 --> 00:01:48,800
all these bad things you're doing.
32
00:01:49,670 --> 00:01:52,630
The other students are very upset at this podcast.
33
00:01:52,630 --> 00:01:54,590
And what makes you think you got to say
34
00:01:54,590 --> 00:01:55,890
all this stuff, Clyde?
35
00:01:56,330 --> 00:01:58,200
Hey, I'm just trying to make my nut, man.
36
00:02:00,420 --> 00:02:01,640
Y-your nut?
37
00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:03,420
Yeah, you know, kids have it tough these days.
38
00:02:03,420 --> 00:02:06,250
We got Xbox subscriptions, PS5, Steam subscriptions,
39
00:02:06,250 --> 00:02:08,430
Netflix, HBO, you want to order DoorDash.
40
00:02:08,650 --> 00:02:10,210
My nut's about 60 bucks a week.
41
00:02:10,470 --> 00:02:12,300
So you know, as a kid, if you could do a podcast,
42
00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:14,390
say some really divisive shit, then you could make your nut.
43
00:02:16,260 --> 00:02:18,040
Well, Clyde, there's more important things
44
00:02:18,050 --> 00:02:19,530
than a nut, mkay?
45
00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:21,090
Like what?
46
00:02:21,660 --> 00:02:23,750
Well, like being nice, mkay,
47
00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:26,790
making people smile, helping people out.
48
00:02:26,790 --> 00:02:28,400
That's why I became a counselor.
49
00:02:29,010 --> 00:02:29,670
Yes?
50
00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:32,060
Mr. Mackey, I need you to pack your stuff.
51
00:02:32,060 --> 00:02:33,100
You've been fired, bud.
52
00:02:33,100 --> 00:02:34,410
W-what?
53
00:02:34,670 --> 00:02:36,540
Government's doing away with needless spending in schools.
54
00:02:36,540 --> 00:02:38,500
Get your things. Last paycheck's up front.
55
00:02:38,630 --> 00:02:39,890
What are you talking about?
56
00:02:40,420 --> 00:02:42,200
Hey, wait a minute, PC Principal.
57
00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:43,460
Power Christian Principle, yes.
58
00:02:43,810 --> 00:02:45,680
I've worked here for 26 years.
59
00:02:45,860 --> 00:02:47,290
We appreciate your service to this school,
60
00:02:47,290 --> 00:02:49,900
but the government's cutting back on unnecessary expenses.
61
00:02:49,900 --> 00:02:51,990
Well, what's more important than a school counselor?
62
00:02:52,300 --> 00:02:53,820
Schools have one counselor now,
63
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:55,910
and he is the greatest counselor that ever lived.
64
00:02:56,210 --> 00:02:57,650
Thanks for everything. Now, pack your shit.
65
00:03:02,350 --> 00:03:02,830
But...
66
00:03:03,870 --> 00:03:05,480
what about my nut?
67
00:03:20,460 --> 00:03:21,590
Hello, and welcome
68
00:03:21,590 --> 00:03:24,850
to the "Clyde Donovan Podcast."
69
00:03:26,850 --> 00:03:28,590
Welcome to the Channel of Truth, guys.
70
00:03:28,900 --> 00:03:29,990
You can't trust Jews,
71
00:03:29,990 --> 00:03:31,210
white people are the underprivileged,
72
00:03:31,210 --> 00:03:32,550
and women belong at home.
73
00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:33,860
I'd like to welcome our first guest
74
00:03:33,860 --> 00:03:35,380
to the debate, Eric Cartman.
75
00:03:38,870 --> 00:03:40,430
What the hell do you think you're doing, Clyde?
76
00:03:40,610 --> 00:03:42,130
We're here speaking the truth about the Jews
77
00:03:42,130 --> 00:03:43,480
and the underprivileged white class--
78
00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:44,610
That's my shtick.
79
00:03:44,610 --> 00:03:46,790
Knock it off, Clyde. You stole my idea.
80
00:03:46,790 --> 00:03:48,140
I don't know about stealing ideas,
81
00:03:48,220 --> 00:03:50,010
but I do know about some amazing supplement powders
82
00:03:50,010 --> 00:03:51,530
that are an absolute steal-- - Supplement powders?
83
00:03:51,530 --> 00:03:53,050
HE-MAN supplement powders can really help you
84
00:03:53,050 --> 00:03:55,140
bulk up and get-- - Are you fucking serious?
85
00:03:55,140 --> 00:03:57,010
People are sponsoring you for ripping me off?
86
00:03:57,010 --> 00:03:58,410
And it's really just the best way to get ripped quick.
87
00:03:58,410 --> 00:03:59,540
So be sure to get some.
88
00:03:59,970 --> 00:04:01,190
And also, be sure to hashtag #RespectClydesAuthority.
89
00:04:02,450 --> 00:04:03,060
What?
90
00:04:05,500 --> 00:04:07,680
So after losing my job, I realized
91
00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:11,250
I really better get a handle on how much I spend a month.
92
00:04:11,550 --> 00:04:12,590
Yes, Mr. Mackey.
93
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,070
Looking over your portfolio here,
94
00:04:14,070 --> 00:04:16,900
it appears you've got about an $8,000 a month nut.
95
00:04:17,430 --> 00:04:19,340
$8,000 a month?
96
00:04:19,820 --> 00:04:22,040
I had no idea my nut was that big.
97
00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:24,300
Now, we could get you a debt consolidation loan,
98
00:04:24,300 --> 00:04:25,650
cancel your streaming services,
99
00:04:25,650 --> 00:04:26,870
downgrade your phone subscription,
100
00:04:26,870 --> 00:04:28,350
do a second mortgage on your house,
101
00:04:28,350 --> 00:04:30,570
and your nut's still $8,000--
102
00:04:31,570 --> 00:04:32,140
a month.
103
00:04:32,750 --> 00:04:35,100
But I don't have anything, mkay?
104
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:36,530
I can't find a job.
105
00:04:36,530 --> 00:04:38,530
Nobody's hiring counselors anymore.
106
00:04:38,530 --> 00:04:39,880
What am I supposed to do?
107
00:04:40,140 --> 00:04:42,800
Well, there are other career opportunities.
108
00:04:42,970 --> 00:04:44,150
Have you considered...
109
00:04:44,410 --> 00:04:46,150
a job with the I-C-E?
110
00:04:47,150 --> 00:04:49,410
Help your country round up undocumented immigrants.
111
00:04:51,940 --> 00:04:52,980
I'm a counselor.
112
00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:54,290
I help people.
113
00:04:54,290 --> 00:04:56,120
I would never work for ICE.
114
00:04:56,330 --> 00:04:58,080
I understand you have to have your principles.
115
00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:01,080
It's just they are offering new recruits
116
00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:03,120
about a $100,000 salary.
117
00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:06,650
Say--say what now?
118
00:05:08,610 --> 00:05:10,440
Are you looking for a new career?
119
00:05:10,910 --> 00:05:12,570
Why not join the I-C-E?
120
00:05:13,220 --> 00:05:14,440
We have jobs available now
121
00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:16,880
with up to a $50,000 signing bonus.
122
00:05:17,490 --> 00:05:18,570
Signing bonus?
123
00:05:32,370 --> 00:05:34,630
I'm proud to work for the I-C-E.
124
00:05:49,300 --> 00:05:52,610
And now, watch as Clyde Donovan totally destroys
125
00:05:52,610 --> 00:05:54,310
these woke liberal students.
126
00:05:54,870 --> 00:05:56,180
Welcome to the channel, guys.
127
00:05:56,180 --> 00:05:58,130
Looks like a lot of whiny babies have a problem
128
00:05:58,140 --> 00:06:00,490
with what I say, so prove me wrong.
129
00:06:01,050 --> 00:06:02,180
Uh, Hey, Clyde.
130
00:06:02,490 --> 00:06:04,750
Um, you said nothing good ever came from the Jews.
131
00:06:04,750 --> 00:06:07,840
But if that's true, why are bagels so yummy?
132
00:06:07,840 --> 00:06:09,060
- Yeah. - Yeah!
133
00:06:09,230 --> 00:06:10,500
Well, you've obviously been taught by the Jews
134
00:06:10,670 --> 00:06:12,100
to have a problem with this school and with America.
135
00:06:12,110 --> 00:06:14,150
So let me ask you this-- what is your definition of a woman?
136
00:06:14,150 --> 00:06:15,110
Wait, now, what?
137
00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:17,980
What is a woman? It's a very simple question.
138
00:06:19,330 --> 00:06:21,510
Well, a woman is a lady friend
139
00:06:21,510 --> 00:06:23,200
who, you know, gives you kisses.
140
00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:24,330
You see, you can't answer the question.
141
00:06:24,340 --> 00:06:25,810
But something is male or it is female.
142
00:06:25,820 --> 00:06:27,340
Both science and scripture agree to that.
143
00:06:27,340 --> 00:06:28,900
And that's just the truth. Next.
144
00:06:28,910 --> 00:06:31,730
Another woke student totally destroyed.
145
00:06:31,730 --> 00:06:32,910
Oh, jeez.
146
00:06:33,390 --> 00:06:34,820
Did you call the girls' soccer team
147
00:06:34,820 --> 00:06:37,040
a Marxist indoctrination factory?
148
00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:38,390
That is correct.
149
00:06:38,390 --> 00:06:40,530
We actually beat the boys 4 to 0, you know.
150
00:06:40,700 --> 00:06:42,400
You can whine about American oppression all you want,
151
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:44,090
but you're using an iPhone made by the free market
152
00:06:44,090 --> 00:06:45,750
to complain about a system that gave it to you.
153
00:06:45,750 --> 00:06:47,400
Girls have it way easy in America,
154
00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:48,880
and that's just the truth.
155
00:06:49,490 --> 00:06:51,230
Woke student totally pwned.
156
00:06:51,410 --> 00:06:52,540
Women have it good in America,
157
00:06:52,540 --> 00:06:53,500
just like Black people do.
158
00:06:53,840 --> 00:06:55,150
Black people have everything handed to them--
159
00:06:55,150 --> 00:06:55,980
Motherfucker!
160
00:07:02,110 --> 00:07:04,590
I'm sick of people stealing my schtick.
161
00:07:04,770 --> 00:07:07,600
If anyone around here is gonna be a master debater,
162
00:07:07,770 --> 00:07:08,510
it's me.
163
00:07:08,510 --> 00:07:09,470
So let's go.
164
00:07:09,730 --> 00:07:11,210
Who wants to debate the master debater?
165
00:07:11,210 --> 00:07:11,640
Let's go.
166
00:07:11,860 --> 00:07:12,340
You right there.
167
00:07:13,430 --> 00:07:15,470
That's the stupidest haircut I've ever seen.
168
00:07:15,470 --> 00:07:16,210
You are wrong.
169
00:07:17,340 --> 00:07:19,130
Leviticus 3:17 says it shall be a perpetual statute
170
00:07:19,130 --> 00:07:20,870
for your generations throughout all your dwellings.
171
00:07:20,870 --> 00:07:21,960
So you can shut up, Bebe.
172
00:07:22,310 --> 00:07:23,570
You just hate America and you love abortions.
173
00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:38,500
Mr. Mackey?
174
00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:39,980
Uh, yes, r-right here.
175
00:07:44,370 --> 00:07:45,240
Have a seat, sir.
176
00:07:47,370 --> 00:07:49,810
What makes you want to work for immigration enforcement?
177
00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:50,810
Uh, well,
178
00:07:51,730 --> 00:07:53,030
you see, I got a nut.
179
00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:54,380
All right, you're hired.
180
00:07:54,380 --> 00:07:55,470
Take this to the next station
181
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:57,380
for your physical and orientation video.
182
00:07:58,600 --> 00:07:59,820
Well, th-that's it?
183
00:08:05,130 --> 00:08:07,390
You will now watch an orientation video
184
00:08:07,390 --> 00:08:10,010
featuring the Director of Homeland Security.
185
00:08:16,140 --> 00:08:17,710
Welcome to the team, recruits.
186
00:08:17,840 --> 00:08:20,280
I'm Kristi Noem, Head of Homeland Security.
187
00:08:21,150 --> 00:08:23,450
Oh, she seems nice, mkay? Very pretty.
188
00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:25,980
A few years ago, I had to put my puppy down
189
00:08:25,980 --> 00:08:27,460
by shooting it in the face,
190
00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:29,420
because sometimes doing what's important
191
00:08:29,420 --> 00:08:30,850
means doing what's hard.
192
00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:36,210
Whoa. Whoa.
193
00:08:36,900 --> 00:08:38,560
Now, we'll ask the same determination of you.
194
00:08:40,560 --> 00:08:42,210
Because detaining and questioning people
195
00:08:42,210 --> 00:08:43,340
is never easy.
196
00:08:46,700 --> 00:08:48,040
Oh, God!
197
00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:49,740
As the face of Homeland Security,
198
00:08:49,740 --> 00:08:50,790
I'll be leading the way.
199
00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:55,400
And together, we'll make sure
200
00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:57,530
everyone is in this country legally.
201
00:08:59,660 --> 00:09:01,840
So let's get out there and get 'em, recruits.
202
00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:03,670
Together, we can make it happen.
203
00:09:06,890 --> 00:09:08,590
We hope you enjoyed the presentation.
204
00:09:08,590 --> 00:09:10,980
Please step through to the vehicles for your first raid.
205
00:09:25,210 --> 00:09:26,910
Keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle
206
00:09:26,910 --> 00:09:27,780
at all times.
207
00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:34,960
Lock and load, recruits!
208
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:36,180
Prepare to raid!
209
00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:38,960
Mmm-kay.
210
00:09:43,010 --> 00:09:44,670
Watch as Eric Cartman shuts down
211
00:09:44,670 --> 00:09:46,140
these woke liberal students.
212
00:09:46,150 --> 00:09:47,060
Oh, my God.
213
00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:48,670
What makes you think you have the right
214
00:09:48,670 --> 00:09:51,110
to say what I do with my body?
215
00:09:51,110 --> 00:09:52,020
Let me ask you something.
216
00:09:52,590 --> 00:09:54,240
If a pregnant woman is killed and the baby dies too,
217
00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:56,150
why is the killer charged with a double homicide?
218
00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:58,940
Well, b--because people have different beliefs.
219
00:09:58,940 --> 00:10:00,460
It's not about belief. It's about truth.
220
00:10:00,460 --> 00:10:02,250
Science confirms life begins at conception.
221
00:10:02,250 --> 00:10:04,120
So, yes, Jeremiah 1:5 says, before I formed you
222
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:04,860
in the womb, I knew you.
223
00:10:05,210 --> 00:10:06,080
But it's just morality that demands
224
00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:07,340
we protect the most vulnerable.
225
00:10:07,510 --> 00:10:09,340
So let me ask you-- when do you think life begins?
226
00:10:10,780 --> 00:10:12,390
Eric, are you all right in there?
227
00:10:12,390 --> 00:10:13,170
Yeah, I'm fine, Mom.
228
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:14,610
I'm just in here master debating.
229
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:17,310
Well, Eric, that's enough.
230
00:10:17,310 --> 00:10:18,870
Let's get out of the bathroom.
231
00:10:18,870 --> 00:10:19,660
I can't, Mom.
232
00:10:20,270 --> 00:10:21,440
I'm master debating to these young college girls.
233
00:10:21,700 --> 00:10:24,180
That's very naughty, Eric. Stop it.
234
00:10:24,180 --> 00:10:26,010
Mom, I finally got sponsored by a protein powder,
235
00:10:26,010 --> 00:10:27,880
so I gotta master debate for a couple more hours.
236
00:10:28,620 --> 00:10:29,800
Leviticus 9:1-8. Leave me alone.
237
00:10:36,500 --> 00:10:38,150
All right, recruits. This is it.
238
00:10:38,460 --> 00:10:39,550
We're heading to a location
239
00:10:39,550 --> 00:10:41,420
that might be filled with illegals.
240
00:10:41,590 --> 00:10:43,680
Let's take these bad hombres down.
241
00:10:45,860 --> 00:10:47,820
Backpack.
242
00:10:48,430 --> 00:10:50,430
Backpack. Backpack.
243
00:10:59,870 --> 00:11:00,610
Freeze!
244
00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:05,960
Oh, God. Mkay.
245
00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:09,580
We're just here for questioning.
246
00:11:10,060 --> 00:11:12,270
Cooperate, and nothing bad-- holy shit.
247
00:11:20,540 --> 00:11:22,150
Look, I'm really sorry about this.
248
00:11:22,150 --> 00:11:24,680
It's just, I got a monthly nut, you know?
249
00:11:25,110 --> 00:11:26,550
I gotta make my nut.
250
00:11:29,900 --> 00:11:31,640
You did a good job in there, soldier.
251
00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:34,040
Mkay. Thank you, Captain.
252
00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:35,860
I know it's tough doing what's hard,
253
00:11:35,860 --> 00:11:38,210
but we could use more men like you in the--
254
00:11:39,350 --> 00:11:40,650
Whoa, what the fuck?
255
00:11:40,650 --> 00:11:42,170
Your Botox, Ms. Noem.
256
00:11:42,390 --> 00:11:43,700
Oh, yeah. Fix me up.
257
00:11:43,700 --> 00:11:44,520
Fix me up.
258
00:11:48,050 --> 00:11:49,750
Another day doing what's tough.
259
00:11:56,010 --> 00:11:57,490
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
260
00:11:57,490 --> 00:11:59,970
But a body growing inside a woman's body is not her body.
261
00:11:59,980 --> 00:12:01,370
It's a completely separate fetus--
262
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:04,590
Eric, what are you doing?
263
00:12:05,070 --> 00:12:06,290
I'm sorry, mom.
264
00:12:06,680 --> 00:12:09,070
You told me to go to sleep, but I started masterdebating again.
265
00:12:09,850 --> 00:12:12,200
This is really getting to be a problem, Eric.
266
00:12:12,340 --> 00:12:13,290
Mom, you don't understand.
267
00:12:13,290 --> 00:12:14,640
I'm getting really good at this.
268
00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:16,250
I have my arguments down rock solid.
269
00:12:16,250 --> 00:12:17,910
These young college girls are totally unprepared,
270
00:12:17,910 --> 00:12:20,210
so I can just destroy them and also edit out all the ones
271
00:12:20,210 --> 00:12:21,470
that actually argue back well.
272
00:12:21,560 --> 00:12:23,040
It just feels so good.
273
00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:24,610
I understand it feels good,
274
00:12:24,610 --> 00:12:27,130
but that doesn't mean you do it all the time.
275
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:28,660
I'm sorry, Mommy.
276
00:12:28,790 --> 00:12:30,960
Put the computer away and leave those poor
277
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:32,530
college girls alone.
278
00:12:32,530 --> 00:12:33,530
OK.
279
00:12:33,660 --> 00:12:35,140
I won't master debate anymore tonight.
280
00:12:37,060 --> 00:12:38,620
Look, look, you can call it reproductive rights.
281
00:12:38,620 --> 00:12:40,060
But be honest, if a baby could speak,
282
00:12:40,150 --> 00:12:41,320
it would fight for its right to live.
283
00:12:41,490 --> 00:12:42,360
Eric Cartman!
284
00:12:42,370 --> 00:12:42,840
I'm sorry, Mom!
285
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:48,630
Tom, another protest today, as thousands turned out
286
00:12:48,630 --> 00:12:51,160
in downtown Denver to voice their outrage
287
00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:52,590
against the I-C-E.
288
00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:54,990
This is just out of control.
289
00:12:55,250 --> 00:12:57,290
A lot of the people being targeted in these raids
290
00:12:57,290 --> 00:13:00,470
are kind, hard-working, deeply faithful people
291
00:13:00,470 --> 00:13:02,080
who care for their families.
292
00:13:02,300 --> 00:13:06,480
I have no doubt that there are many, many Latinos in heaven.
293
00:13:22,060 --> 00:13:23,580
Oh, this is bad.
294
00:13:23,890 --> 00:13:24,450
Mkay?
295
00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:37,380
Remember, only detain the brown ones.
296
00:13:37,380 --> 00:13:39,030
If it's brown, it goes down.
297
00:13:39,030 --> 00:13:40,080
Jesus, look out!
298
00:13:49,820 --> 00:13:51,300
There's another one flying over here.
299
00:13:51,300 --> 00:13:52,390
Catch him! Catch him!
300
00:13:55,090 --> 00:13:56,660
I just need to ask you some questions,
301
00:13:56,660 --> 00:13:58,270
mkay, make sure you're legal.
302
00:13:58,660 --> 00:14:00,440
How did you get into heaven?
303
00:14:00,750 --> 00:14:03,050
Um, I was really nice to people,
304
00:14:03,050 --> 00:14:05,060
and I helped various charities.
305
00:14:05,060 --> 00:14:06,620
Look, I'm really sorry about this,
306
00:14:06,620 --> 00:14:08,490
but I'm just trying to make my nut.
307
00:14:08,930 --> 00:14:10,190
Mackey, I need a word.
308
00:14:11,980 --> 00:14:13,020
Yes, Captain?
309
00:14:13,460 --> 00:14:15,330
You did another great job out there, Mackey.
310
00:14:15,330 --> 00:14:16,500
I like your style.
311
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:18,550
Oh. Thank you.
312
00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:20,030
The President's handing out bonuses
313
00:14:20,030 --> 00:14:21,200
to recruits that stand out.
314
00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:22,550
And I'm going to recommend you
315
00:14:22,550 --> 00:14:23,070
for the next set of bonuses that--
316
00:14:24,550 --> 00:14:24,950
Ah!
317
00:14:26,470 --> 00:14:27,120
Grab it!
318
00:14:30,820 --> 00:14:32,390
No more brownies in heaven.
319
00:14:35,300 --> 00:14:37,440
Hello and welcome to the third annual
320
00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:40,350
Charlie Kirk Award for Young Masterdebaters.
321
00:14:42,660 --> 00:14:44,230
More and more young people today
322
00:14:44,230 --> 00:14:46,050
are learning to fight for America
323
00:14:46,050 --> 00:14:47,490
through masterdebation.
324
00:14:47,710 --> 00:14:51,150
We're here to honor the recent efforts of a brave young man
325
00:14:51,540 --> 00:14:53,540
who has been furiously masterdebating
326
00:14:53,540 --> 00:14:55,980
for the past several days and has won himself
327
00:14:55,980 --> 00:15:00,110
not only this trophy, but also an all expenses paid vacation
328
00:15:00,110 --> 00:15:02,240
to a beautiful five-star resort.
329
00:15:06,250 --> 00:15:08,730
He has proven himself the true champion.
330
00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:11,170
Please welcome the best young masterdebater
331
00:15:11,170 --> 00:15:13,600
of our time, Clyde Donovan.
332
00:15:14,730 --> 00:15:15,340
Clyde?
333
00:15:19,870 --> 00:15:21,870
No! That's my trip to a five-star resort!
334
00:15:21,870 --> 00:15:23,350
Come on, Eric. Let's go.
335
00:15:24,700 --> 00:15:25,530
Thanks, everyone.
336
00:15:26,050 --> 00:15:28,050
The Civil Rights Act was a huge mistake.
337
00:15:28,050 --> 00:15:30,920
And, I don't know, lesbians are an abomination of God.
338
00:15:31,930 --> 00:15:33,670
You all stole my schtick!
339
00:15:34,490 --> 00:15:35,890
Clyde!
340
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:43,110
OK.
341
00:15:43,290 --> 00:15:45,030
We got some of your pay stubs in.
342
00:15:45,030 --> 00:15:46,770
Let's see how that nut's looking.
343
00:15:50,030 --> 00:15:51,550
Well, seems you got some bonuses
344
00:15:51,550 --> 00:15:53,210
for rounding up the most Mexicans.
345
00:15:53,210 --> 00:15:54,380
Shh.
346
00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:56,860
We don't round up Mexicans, OK?
347
00:15:56,990 --> 00:15:59,950
We just detain foreigners who might be illegal.
348
00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:00,650
OK.
349
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:03,780
Well, after taxes and with your bonuses,
350
00:16:03,780 --> 00:16:06,480
it looks like you've got about $10 grand a month to spend.
351
00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:09,140
- Oh, I do? - Yes.
352
00:16:09,140 --> 00:16:11,660
And your nut's up to about $12 grand a month.
353
00:16:11,970 --> 00:16:13,010
What?
354
00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:15,490
But my nut was only $8 grand a week ago.
355
00:16:15,710 --> 00:16:17,800
Right. But you got a good-paying job.
356
00:16:17,970 --> 00:16:19,540
You see, as you make more money,
357
00:16:19,540 --> 00:16:21,540
your nut actually gets bigger.
358
00:16:22,190 --> 00:16:23,590
How is that possible?
359
00:16:23,590 --> 00:16:24,330
It's all right.
360
00:16:24,850 --> 00:16:25,810
If you can just get a few more bonuses,
361
00:16:26,020 --> 00:16:27,760
we can refinance the house, divide that
362
00:16:27,760 --> 00:16:29,810
by the number of Mexicans you detained, and, of course,
363
00:16:29,810 --> 00:16:32,290
compound any Costa Ricans you might incur to the--
364
00:16:33,730 --> 00:16:34,990
Freeze! Nobody move!
365
00:16:37,510 --> 00:16:38,600
Here he is over here.
366
00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:41,260
Come on, Mackey. Need to talk to you outside.
367
00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:43,260
Talk to me? About what?
368
00:16:44,220 --> 00:16:45,430
What's this all about?
369
00:16:45,740 --> 00:16:47,440
Congratulations, recruit.
370
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:49,790
I talked to the president about your accomplishments,
371
00:16:49,790 --> 00:16:51,880
and he says he wants to help you with your nut.
372
00:16:52,270 --> 00:16:54,100
Really? He does?
373
00:16:54,230 --> 00:16:55,180
That's right.
374
00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:57,230
We have orders to get you on a plane.
375
00:16:57,230 --> 00:16:59,230
The President wants to thank you personally.
376
00:16:59,540 --> 00:17:00,750
Congratulations.
377
00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:02,930
He's invited you to Mar-a-Lago.
378
00:17:03,710 --> 00:17:05,280
Mar-a-Lago?
379
00:17:20,990 --> 00:17:21,820
Oh, wow.
380
00:17:36,090 --> 00:17:37,700
Relax! Take a load off!
381
00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:39,490
Boss, the plane is here
382
00:17:39,490 --> 00:17:41,750
from Immigration and Customs Enforcement.
383
00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:43,190
I know, stupid. Let's go.
384
00:17:56,110 --> 00:17:56,980
Hey, buddy.
385
00:17:56,980 --> 00:17:58,810
Welcome to Mar-a-Lago.
386
00:17:59,810 --> 00:18:01,990
Oh, thank you, Mr. President.
387
00:18:02,770 --> 00:18:04,210
What is his fantasy, boss?
388
00:18:04,950 --> 00:18:06,170
Will you get out of here?
389
00:18:07,990 --> 00:18:09,430
Listen, buddy, I want to offer you
390
00:18:09,430 --> 00:18:10,820
an incredible opportunity.
391
00:18:11,260 --> 00:18:12,610
How would you like to make more money
392
00:18:12,610 --> 00:18:14,260
than you ever thought possible?
393
00:18:14,700 --> 00:18:17,610
Well, I do have a pretty huge nut.
394
00:18:17,700 --> 00:18:19,530
Now, that's the kind of talk I like.
395
00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:21,830
Mar-a-Lago's for everyone that's got a nut.
396
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:25,800
I'm giving you a promotion.
397
00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:29,100
You'll have access to all that Mar-a-Lago has to offer.
398
00:18:29,490 --> 00:18:32,500
I want to make you the new face of Homeland Security.
399
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:35,720
But, Mr. President, I thought Kristi Noem
400
00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:37,410
was the head of Homeland Security.
401
00:18:37,420 --> 00:18:39,720
Well, she was, but her face freaks me out.
402
00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:40,770
So what do you say?
403
00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:44,160
Well, I do need a high-paying job.
404
00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:45,340
Excellent.
405
00:18:45,340 --> 00:18:47,080
Now, let's take care of that nut for you.
406
00:18:49,250 --> 00:18:50,780
Hey, Satan.
407
00:18:50,990 --> 00:18:52,780
Meet the new face of Homeland Security.
408
00:18:52,950 --> 00:18:55,000
Whoa! Oh, my God.
409
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:56,090
I just want to go.
410
00:18:56,090 --> 00:18:57,390
This place is gross.
411
00:18:57,390 --> 00:18:59,310
Would you like me to apply the baby oil
412
00:18:59,310 --> 00:19:01,090
to Satan's asshole, boss?
413
00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:04,440
OK, look, I think there's been a misunderstanding.
414
00:19:04,790 --> 00:19:07,180
I'm going to take a little break here.
415
00:19:07,490 --> 00:19:08,660
Hey, come on.
416
00:19:08,660 --> 00:19:09,800
Relax, guy.
417
00:19:15,540 --> 00:19:17,020
Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.
418
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:22,370
Backpack, backpack.
419
00:19:22,370 --> 00:19:23,900
Oh, God, Dora the Explorer.
420
00:19:23,900 --> 00:19:24,770
Excuse me.
421
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:33,300
Clyde?
422
00:19:34,650 --> 00:19:35,470
Not right now, sir.
423
00:19:35,470 --> 00:19:36,470
I've kind of had enough.
424
00:19:37,690 --> 00:19:41,130
What are you doing here... young man?
425
00:19:41,610 --> 00:19:43,050
Just trying to make my nut, sir.
426
00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:44,570
Didn't really want all this.
427
00:19:46,180 --> 00:19:49,180
Oh, well, young man...
428
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,930
I kind of know what you're going through, mkay?
429
00:20:00,670 --> 00:20:02,850
I know we all have a lot of pressures
430
00:20:02,850 --> 00:20:06,290
and we all want nice things, mkay, but--
431
00:20:07,380 --> 00:20:10,200
but if you're doing something you don't really believe in
432
00:20:10,730 --> 00:20:12,420
just to make your nut,
433
00:20:13,690 --> 00:20:16,080
you're going to find that you just get sadder
434
00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:18,390
and your nut just gets bigger.
435
00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:19,910
Mkay?
436
00:20:22,220 --> 00:20:22,650
Yeah.
437
00:20:23,260 --> 00:20:24,170
I guess you're right.
438
00:20:25,610 --> 00:20:28,220
But... who are you?
439
00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:35,580
I'm a goddamn counselor.
440
00:20:35,580 --> 00:20:36,750
That's what I am.
441
00:20:37,540 --> 00:20:39,580
This place isn't right for either of us.
442
00:20:39,930 --> 00:20:42,190
There's got to be someone that can help get us out.
443
00:20:55,990 --> 00:20:57,080
All right. Got him.
444
00:20:58,300 --> 00:21:00,250
Hey, Kristi, what's going on?
445
00:21:00,860 --> 00:21:02,120
Trying to replace me
446
00:21:02,130 --> 00:21:04,210
as the face of Homeland Security, huh?
447
00:21:04,610 --> 00:21:06,090
Hey, relax, guy.
448
00:21:06,260 --> 00:21:08,090
Who could replace a face like that?
449
00:21:08,260 --> 00:21:10,050
Think I can't handle myself 'cause I'm a lady
450
00:21:10,050 --> 00:21:12,180
with good looks that drive men wild?
451
00:21:28,330 --> 00:21:30,280
Come on. We're getting out of here.
452
00:21:31,070 --> 00:21:32,330
You too, come on.
453
00:21:35,550 --> 00:21:36,900
We got it. We got it.
454
00:21:41,690 --> 00:21:43,340
Another job well done.
32288
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Quechua
Romansh
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swedish
Tajik
Tatar
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Uighur
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof