Original subtitles

You are now about to witness the strength of clothespin films.

Dearly beloved, you're about to see the blissful union of Callista and Dougie.

Your favorite man boy gonna lose his V -card. With the robot and luchador, it

shouldn't be that hard. Doug's bright as hot. She booms, she bangs. But riddle

me this, son, what's up with those fangs? This party could get bloody. The

might even spin.

Try not to worry.

Trust the clothespin. This is my bloody wedding.

This is my bloody wedding!

You're my little voodoo doll Gotta run from you

I'm coming up the wall

Every move.

Oh, you got the time to kill.

And I play the fool.

Oh, I think my heart might thrill.

Oh no, what have I turned into?

for me

My little prince. Can I make you some pancakes?

No thanks, Mom.

Are you sure?

I have M &M.

I can make Mickey Mouse shake.

Thanks, Mom. I'm okay.

Grilled cheese?

Okay.

Could you cut the crust?

Of course.

Can I ask you two something?

Sure, hon. Anything.

When you guys got married, were you nervous or anything?

No, honey. Your father and I have always been so in love.

Oh.

Well, just like you and Callista.

That's the thing.

She's been pressuring me a lot lately.

Maybe I should just have sex with her.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, dear.

We raised you differently.

A lot of people believe Jesus doesn't belong in the bedroom.

However... He can actually enhance the lovemaking process.

The joining of two naked bodies.

Just so.

With oil.

Hot wax.

Leather.

Marriage is a rite of passage. It's a big step in one's life.

Don't worry, my little prince. I'm sure it's just a symptom of cold feet.

This weekend...

You can give her the ride of her life. Yeah. Then she'll be glad you both

waited.

Cold feet.

That's it.

Thanks, Mom.

I gotta go.

Anytime, Mom.

Dougie! Come in, Susie, hubby!

Hey! Hey!

Okay. Love you, too.

Love ya.

Okay.

Great!

What's up, fiance?

I'm glad you're here. I have something I want to show you.

I was just stopping by to see what was new.

What's in the box?

Is that for me?

Open it.

Oh!

Slippers!

Thanks, babe.

Thought maybe your feet might be getting cold.

How did you know?

Wrong

house.

Your friends are next door.

Honey, can we talk for a sec?

Sure. Have a seat.

What's up, sweetie?

Okay, look.

I just wanted to let you know that there's nothing more that I'd like to do

than, you know, knead that dough.

You know what I mean.

What I'm saying is you have a rockin' bod, and...

I would love to slap nasties with you.

You know, bump fuzzies.

Do all the things that you've wanted to do.

Philly Sanchez's.

Muddy Cleveland's. Maybe even a few 63's if we have the energy.

But we have to wait.

We're getting married in a few days.

Okay, deal.

Really?

Well, great.

I love you.

Okay. What do you think you wanted to show me?

Calista, didn't I just say you need a special permit to use my little fire

Relax, I put my own fire out this morning.

I just wanted to show you this.

Wow.

What is it?

It's my mother's... favorite pendant.

It's an antique.

It's really nifty.

Very antique -y looking.

What's with the green crystal thingy?

I found it in a box in the attic.

I found it on Monday when I was going through her things.

I remember her really liking it.

She carried it around with her just before she was killed.

In fact, in her last words, she mumbled something about it.

I think it meant a lot to her.

I'm gonna wear it to the wedding.

Don't you just love it? It's super duper awesome.

At least I had one.

I had a jeweler cut the crystal up and make earrings out of it for Tammy and

Monica so we can coordinate at the wedding.

Can you believe it's this Saturday?

Gosh. Time flies when you're in love.

Mom, please. This will take like five minutes. I'm already running late.

All right.

It's good for you. Mom, are you kidding me? Why is it good?

Because you don't want to rush something like doing your

taxes.

Doing my taxes. Come on, come on. You know that I'm talking about doing you. I

know. I'm just trying to turn you off. I don't want you watching Charlie's

Angels when I leave.

Well? You know how I get after a night with the girls.

I want you to be ready for me.

Come on, please don't do this to me. Please don't do this to me. I'll be back

late. Honey, this is so unfair.

So then, I hear the back door open.

My parents came home early. Yeah, so I jump up, pull my skirt down. He zips up

his pants, and we run to the kitchen. And my mom comes in, and she says, well,

what's that on your skirt?

I look down, and I'm like, frosting from the cupcakes we made earlier?

And she looks at me and says, that doesn't look like frosting.

Well, Calista, looks like you're not going to have any more of those

embarrassing stories.

Um, apparently Doug's saving all the embarrassing stuff for after the

Oh, he's a gentleman.

Thank you guys so much for being my bridesmaids.

You really are the best. Oh, okay. Don't get snappy. Come on, I'm serious.

I just love you guys so much.

Beautiful. They match my necklace.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Calista, thank you.

Put them on. Put them on. Put them on.

Okay.

Oh, my gosh. They bring out your eyes. Really?

Oh, God. Thank you. I cannot believe this.

So, what do you guys want to do now?

To Doug. Hey, lucky bastard.

Hey, maybe we should get something to drink.

Yeah, I'll go put in an order.

Is everything okay?

Want to do some shots?

Do some shots.

Booze won't cover up the emotional stress that rages within me.

Oh, is that why you're breaking out? Oh, great. Now I'm breaking out?

The wedding's on Saturday.

Pictures last a lifetime.

I'm kidding. It's a joke.

Doug, you're getting married, bro.

It's a good thing.

All right, cheer up.

Oh, what do we got here? A little whiner?

Yeah. Dude, you should consider yourself lucky. You got a girl like Calista. If

I were you, I would shut my mouth until I said my vows.

Yet a better question.

So what's she like in a sack?

It's only a few more days.

Wait.

Wait, you mean you haven't slept with her yet?

Not exactly.

Doug, I promise I won't freak out.

Are you a virgin?

Yeah, I'm freaking out. Holy shit.

Doug, life lesson number one. Okay, you cannot get married a virgin.

Why not? Because that saving yourself from marriage bullshit is totally for

dogs. You need to seriously sit down and think about this, man.

Like, would you buy a car without test driving it first?

No. Or, I don't know, something as measly as a pair of pants without at

trying them on once?

Trying on pants is different. Yeah, because you can throw them away after a

or two.

Listen, Doug, if you get married to Calypso and you find out you have no

chemistry, I mean, I hate to tell you, man, you're going to be miserable the

rest of your life.

Plus, what if she's hiding something from you?

What if she's got the STDs?

Some girls I hear, they even have tiny, undeveloped penises.

What?

Yeah, Google it.

Regardless, man, you have got to kick the tires, okay? This is something that

everybody does.

Oh, my God.

Tiny peanuts?

Yes!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Yes!

Doug! Dude, what are you still doing here? You gotta go! Get that girl! Get

Go! Go!

Oh, Doug, wait!

What is it, Steve?

There's something you should consider before fornication. What's that?

Protection.

You mean a condom?

Not just any condom.

The Thrill Seeker Deluxe. It's specially designed to provide maximum comfort and

protection from STDs.

Thank you, Steve.

I will use the Thrill Seeker Deluxe condom from now on to protect me and my

partner. Better safe than sorry.

Thanks, Steve. Oh, and Doug?

Yeah? Have fun.

Hey, so what was all that stuff about, you know, women with undeveloped

They call them cave trolls.

Cave trolls? Yeah.

They really call them cave trolls. Yeah, well, they being my brother. Your

brother? Wow.

It kind of makes sense if you think about it.

Go for it, buddy. Go for it. Are you guys sure about this? Absolutely, man.

I'm telling you, if you don't do her, I'm going to have to. William, stop it.

I'm just trying to light a fire. No, don't. Don't light any fires. No fires.

Okay. Bro, good luck.

Absolutely, man. And hey, if you need either one of us, you know, we're

out here, but if you need to get a hold of me, I've got my cell phone. So if you

need me to coach you through anything, just give me... Why don't you just go

have a good time?

Okay.

Thanks, guys.

I can't do this.

Yes, you can!

No. Yes, you can!

No, I mean... She's having her bachelorette party in there.

All right, on three, and then we'll go.

One,

two, three, go, or on three?

I'll say one, two, three. Okay, then I'll say go.

And then we go, guys.

One, two, three, go.

Fuck with that.

I think that there's something strange going on. You're damn right there is.

Oh, my God, you guys. This is a dream come true.

What are we still doing out here? Let's go inside.

I thought the lesbian bachelorette party, they were just a myth.

That comes to you, man, okay? Look, they're rare, but they do exist.

All right, my friend? Now we need to go inside. Precious minutes are being

wasted. No.

What?

They can't know that we're here.

Doug's right.

We're going to have to be real quiet when we sneak in. Fair enough.

No, we're not supposed to be here, guys. Let's go.

No. Come on. No.

No! This is the best thing that ever happened to me, Dallas, and you knocked

that guy away from me! Easy, Jesus.

Okay, it's a bit overdramatic, but I have to say I do agree with the guy.

This is all my fault.

I should have stirred that pudding months ago.

She's not cheating on you, man. She's just having some fun, wrestling with her

friends in their panties. With all of her female friends, man, you need to be

happy about this.

Take me home, please.

Doug.

Does he understand the rarity of this? This is awful!

Steve.

Wait, you think Callista would spill, you know...

Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.

I brought you some snackies.

Thanks, guys.

We thought you'd maybe like to talk.

That'd be great.

What's on your mind, Doug?

Mom, Dad, I'm really nervous about Saturday.

I'm worried that I won't be able to please Callista.

You mean sexually?

Yeah.

Oh, honey.

You're a little caged tiger.

You're just waiting to pounce.

What's this?

Your mom and I made a tape for you. It should help with your little problem.

It's an instructional video.

It will show you how you can please Callista.

Oh.

Thanks a lot, guys.

Well, we'll leave you to it. If you have any questions.

That's your mom. Thanks.

Sweet dreams.

Is the camera on?

I think so. The red light's on.

Come over here.

Hi, Dougie.

Honey, don't talk to Dougie right now. I'm trying to concentrate.

Oh.

Oh, Rick, you double.

Do you like it? I do.

Keep going.

Oh, yeah. That's your spot.

That is the spot.

Right there. Oh, yes, you've tried.

Bad boy.

Bad, bad boy. I better discipline myself.

Monica, that's a little too rough. Monica, that's a bit too rough!

Jesus!

What is going on with you?

Babe,

what is going on here?

I just want to play. I want to play too, but let's play nice, okay?

What's wrong?

Am I making you nervous?

Look, we need to call it a quit.

After dinner.

Doug's room. Doug speaking.

Hey, Doug.

What are you doing?

Calista, what time is it?

You want to come over for a bit?

No.

I want to grab a bite to eat.

I'm too tired. I'll see you tomorrow.

I want some sausage.

I'm hanging up now.

happening. That's not happening.

This isn't what I'm...

Do you want me to bring you some soup?

No, thanks. I'm really full.

Oh.

Where you been?

Just running off some fast food.

Cool.

Does my doggie woogie need a little ruby?

I'm fine.

Sweet dreams.

I love you.

Me too.

Love you, baby.

Me too.

I don't think I can sleep.

Dougie?

What's wrong?

Are you having trouble sleeping?

Try Extra Strength's Coma Dose. It's guaranteed to give you at least 22 hours

uninterrupted sleep.

It works twice as long as the leading brand and only three times as many side

effects. Our secret to a full day of lucid dreaming is the active ingredient,

which is chemically identical to dropping acid.

But Mom, is that good for me? Is anything really good for you these days?

try it. You'll be addicted.

No thanks.

I just wanted to talk.

About what?

I think Callista's cheating on me.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

She's a great girl. What would... Give you such an idea.

I saw her and her ex -boyfriend making whoopee.

What were you doing over there?

She called me for a midnight snack. When I got there, her ex showed up.

Sometimes appearances can be deceiving.

I don't know.

Pretty sure I saw them together.

Dougie, I'm sorry you had to see all that.

But Calista is a good girl. I'm sure there's a logical explanation for

everything.

I hope so.

I'm having lunch with her tomorrow.

I'll see what I can dig up.

In the meantime, you just try to give her the benefit of the doubt, okay?

Okay. Thanks, Mom.

Now, get some sleep, my little prince.

Don't you worry your little head about this, okay? Good night, Mommy.

Good night, sweetie.

Who's your friend?

He's not my friend. He's just some creep.

Oh, it feels so good.

My God, you're cold.

See you with me.

Probably just need some rest.

Poor thing.

She's just been sleeping all day.

Maybe she's got mono.

What do I do?

Just keep her comfortable.

Mono goes away in like three or four weeks. Three or four weeks? Steve, the

wedding's this weekend.

Stop yelling.

I don't know what to tell you, man.

There's no cure for mono.

I shouldn't have let her out in the cold the other night.

This is all my fault. I should have had a pashmina handy.

A pash... what? No.

Doug, you don't get mono from being out in the cold.

They call it the kissing disease, man.

You get it from swapping spit with someone who already has mono.

Who would want to trade spit?

That's impossible, Steve.

Maybe he got it from one of the girls.

Yeah, go with that. Go with the girls. Maybe she got it from the girls.

Oh, my God.

No.

Oh, no.

No, don't go there. Oh, no. How can I be so stupid?

Maybe she traded a drink with someone. No, no, she didn't.

Steve, I gotta go.

Doug, don't.

I love your necklace!

else to get. I love you, Dougie. I can marry and have sex.

Marry her, Dougie.

Then you can have lots of sex.

Get you some, son.

I decided I don't care if she is mono.

We're going to get married and I'm going to spend the rest of my life with her.

Doug, aren't you even concerned about how she got mono? I'll confront her

it. Hey, maybe you're right. Maybe she just shared a drink with somebody.

What if that's not the case?

Well, I'm willing to forgive her. As long as she promises it'll never happen

again. I mean, I love her. I don't want to lose her over something so trivial.

Cheating is hardly trivial.

She's leaving.

Leaving? Yes, and also she's acting very secretive.

Okay, you have to follow her. This could answer everything.

Okay, um, I'll call you later.

My girlfriend just went in. I just need one ticket.

You have a girlfriend?

What in the world? Come in here.

Who

are

you? You're in over your head, Charlie Brown.

That's my friend. She's not your girlfriend.

It'd be best if you just left before his situation worsens.

I'm Clyde, by the way. I heard you.

Just after the fact.

Doug?

Doug, what are you doing here?

Oh.

Hi.

Cluster, right?

Doug.

I'm just here to watch.

Doug, did you follow me here?

No.

Did you follow me here?

I can't believe you. Why are you following me?

Why are you with another guy?

That's my cousin.

He can't make it to the wedding, so we decided to come here together.

Oh.

Well, can I meet him? No. I mean, no, Doug.

I'm mad at you.

Well, what about that Clyde guy?

No.

Clyde can't meet him either. What's going on with you?

Who the hell is Clyde?

Your creepy stalker guy.

Doug, go home.

You're embarrassing yourself.

Okay, then.

Well, I guess I'll just see you at our wedding when we take our sacred vows and

declare our undying fatality.

She what?

What's going on?

I'm not doing too good, man.

Where are you right now?

I'm just in my car, bleeding. Can you meet me at my house in 15 minutes?

All right, I'll be over there in 15 minutes.

Okay, I'll call William. See you soon.

You're crazy.

And I know crazy chicks, Doug. I grew up with five sisters, and they don't get

on the same cycle.

It's absolutely insane, Doug, and this is way worse.

Okay. Calm down.

There has to be a rational explanation for this. An explanation?

For this?

Okay,

I admit, that's a little strange.

Where's Tammy now?

I don't know. She went off into the woods.

Into the woods? Well, that's not safe.

Safe? Doug, I'm pretty sure if Tammy gets attacked by a deer, she's gonna be

okay.

Maybe this was a misunderstanding.

Maybe this is just the way that she fights.

No, no, no, no. When she fights, she just gets all real cute.

So does Calista.

Little bunny rabbits that you want to fight with.

No!

This is awful!

Where's William?

I called him, and it went straight to his voicemail.

So like William.

Wait a second, I got it! It's rabies! Where?

Calista! We thought she had mono? It must have been rabies!

Tammy must have given it to her when they were playing Twister in their

underwear.

Okay.

I'll buy it. That makes sense.

You just need your shots.

Come on, let's get you to the emergency room.

Okay. Now I know what a hooker in Miami feels like.

Steve, something is definitely wrong.

Steve loves cocks.

It's pretty funny, though.

That's me.

All right, follow me.

Okay, I'm going to have to give you a shot to stay off infection.

You think it's rabies?

I'm not at liberty to diagnose, but the doctor will be in shortly.

Now, I'm going to need you to pull... Roll up my sleeve. You got it. Here you

go. No, I need you to pull down your pants.

This kind of shot can only be administered in the buttock.

All right.

Doug, pants me.

And also, face the wall.

Okay. You guys wait here.

I'm gonna see what's going on.

I'll call you if I need backup.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

I got this.

Hey, Doug.

Yeah, Steve?

Just text me, though, because I don't have any more daytime minutes.

Okay. I'll text you if I need backup.

Doug yes, Steve My phone's probably gonna die All

right robot you're running back up on this one

Not yet, Mrs. Barnes. The wedding's on Saturday.

Well, you two certainly have been carrying on like newlyweds.

Doug! Mrs. Barnes!

There she is.

Oh, the two lovebirds together.

Let's see that ring.

I have to get a manicure.

Well, have you seen Peanut?

I thought I heard him barking over here.

No, Mrs. Barnes. I will keep my eyes peeled.

Strange. My eyes may be shot, but my ears are just as good as an 18 -year

-old's.

Peter!

Peter!

Doug!

What's all over your chest?

I picked up a couple of Hardee's on the way home.

Those burgers do get all over the place.

Why are you eating so much?

Doug? Aren't you trying to fit into a wedding dress? You're getting a belly.

I mean, actually, you are not getting a belly. You are getting thinner. It just

must be the way that that top lays over you.

I thought you were getting lunch with my mom today.

Yeah, I had her for lunch.

Here, I had her over here for lunch.

Are you really going to wear that necklace at the wedding?

Look, you're acting really strange lately.

What's your problem?

Okay, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I know we promised to save

ourselves for each other.

Look, all I want to be with is you, but if you feel like you want to be with

someone else before we make this commitment till death do us part and

I'm okay with that. What?

Why would I want that? I love you.

I just get this feeling.

I'm confused.

Okay, look.

I came over to your house the other night after you called me.

What? I saw you with your ex -boyfriend.

What?

Brad? Oh, my gosh.

I don't know what to think. I want this marriage to be built on trust.

Well, then do you have a logical explanation on why he came over here?

I can't believe you even asked that.

Just, just go home.

You want to put some music on?

Calista! Oh my god, Doug!

Geez, that scared me.

I thought you were leaving.

I'm sorry that I came over to your house the other night when I said I wasn't

going to.

Is that an apology?

Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't trust you.

You're so sweet.

What's wrong with you?

Calista, you have fangs?

No, I don't.

Yes, you do. I'm staring at them right now.

Oh, those.

I went to the dentist today and he gave me these implants.

I've been having trouble chewing meat lately and he said these would help.

What do you think?

I don't know.

It's pretty weird.

Would you be acting that way if I got glasses?

No. Glasses aren't a big deal.

Those things are scary.

Wait, Calista!

Is this what you came over here to do? Make fun of me?

No.

I came here to make it with you.

Oh, it's really romantic.

What was your plan if I didn't want to? Or did you even consider my feelings?

Is that Peanut's collar?

Oh, that?

Yeah.

Found it in the hallway.

What are you making?

So you want to do me or what?

Ouchie!

Oh, God.

Wait.

Wait,

what's that?

Those are my new shoes. You all right?

Do they come with feet in them?

Mom?

How'd she get under there?

Calista, what is going on?

You've been acting strange.

I've caught you sneaking around with other men.

I've been hearing strange sounds.

Not to mention your kisses have been a little toothy lately.

If there's a rational explanation for this, now is the time to tell me.

Okay, Doug, we're getting married tomorrow, and I want to be completely

with you.

I like the taste of blood. Not always, just lately.

You what?

I admit, I've killed... a

few people lately.

I'm sorry.

What are you talking about? Why would you kill people?

Was it self -defense?

I don't know.

So last night, you killed Brad?

Yeah. Okay.

Cool.

Who called me?

Were you gonna kill me? No!

No, I truly just wanted the Leepo sausage.

They do make a good sausage.

They're open 24 hours.

Just for the summer.

Doug, listen.

It's like there's something inside me.

Like I have a disease or something.

Doug, wait.

Melissa, I need some time to think about this.

And if you have a disease, I don't want to catch it.

I still love you, Doug.

I think you have rabies. We need to get you to a hospital. No, no hospital.

But honey, it's a hospital.

We can make this work.

Let's get married tomorrow.

Sure, you'll just kill me on our honeymoon.

No biggie.

I promise I won't. I love you, silly.

Well?

She's fine.

Fine?

Complete misunderstanding.

We're going to go through with the wedding.

She's totally...

Doug, I've had a long day today. Do not lie to me. I'm not a liar.

He's totally cool.

All

right,

fix your tie here. Hold on.

A little smudgy -do here.

Hey, can I ask you something?

Yeah man, anything.

What do you think of Calista?

I think she's great.

What are you talking about?

I think we have a problem.

Come on!

Guys, thanks a lot, but I really think this is unnecessary.

Doug, come back to Earth. Something is going on here.

Okay.

Well,

she's not cheating on you.

Told you.

I think we better hurry. The wedding's starting.

Okay.

Wait.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the holy

matrimony of Doug Shepard and Calista DeFord.

I'm just going to skip around a little bit here.

If anyone here knows of any reason why these two should not be joined, please

speak now or forever hold your peace.

What are your objections?

Uh... I just have some doubts about her fidelity and whether she'd make a good

mother and... Oh, yeah. She eats people!

Don't listen to them, Dougie. Kiss them.

Okay.

Um... Which time's it?

I just need a minute. Uh... I'm going to be right back.

Okay?

Can we talk? Yeah, let's go. All right.

Okay.

We're going to take a short break here, everybody. So there are refreshments.

You can't do this.

She's trying to kill you.

Don't be ridiculous.

She's not trying to kill me.

Okay, I admit, maybe she has rabies. That doesn't mean she wants me dead. She

loves me. Doug, denial can be a dangerous game.

It can lead to alienation, lies, and depression.

Symptoms include withdrawing from conversation, outrageous stories,

outbursts, overeating, chronic masturbation, And migraine headaches.

If you suffer from any of these symptoms, please seek help today.

I feel empty inside all the time.

Is there help for me?

Yes.

Pick up that phone and change your...

Evening. It's you!

Can I have this at all?

Cheese?

Grape?

Cracker?

Sit yourself.

Oh, come on.

I'm here to help with your woman problems.

Who are you?

What's your name, son? I'm Clyde.

Steve. Steve?

Doug and I already know each other.

All right, Clyde. We're kind of in the middle of something, so... Well, let me

get right to the point.

You gotta kill your girlfriends.

What? Kill them all. Kill them till they're dead. The sooner the better.

Because it's only gonna get worse.

Okay. We'll get right on that, Clyde. We'll go kill our girlfriends.

And then maybe we'll pee on some old people and try to drive a car with our

feet. Yeah, that would be a lot of fun. Okay, time to go.

Let's go.

Ah, what the?

Your little lady has a thirst for blood, my friend.

Oh, way ahead of you, Clyde. Talking about the rabies. I got it, and it's

control. She's not your girl anymore, son.

And it's definitely not rabies we're talking about.

She's a cold -blooded killer.

And she's going to kill everyone she can.

Because that's the only way she'll survive.

All right. We're going to play a little game called Crazy Guy with the Hammer.

Has to leave us alone now.

All right. You win.

So there you go. Your prize is a two to go. If you don't kill him, I'm going to

have to.

And it won't be pretty.

I think Clyde might be right.

Hey, aren't you Callista's neighbor? Thanks for coming, man.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Callista's a cool girl and all, but I haven't seen some crazy stuff here

Really? Uh -huh. Hey, your girlfriend Tammy?

Man, you better watch out.

I don't think we should tell anybody about this. Yeah, Doug's right. We don't

want people thinking we're crazy like Ernest kills demons out there.

Yeah, and they might kill our girlfriends.

True.

So what do we do?

We just have to keep them all in one place.

Make sure they don't do anything crazy. Yeah, like kill our moms.

Okay, you know what? That just happened. I'm still kind of getting over it.

Alright. Besides, I think this whole thing will just pass.

Yeah, because I'm pretty sure eternal demonism just goes away like a sore

does. We just have to keep our guards up in case anything happens.

I'm scared.

Thank you.

I killed some of your family. I hope you don't mind. Yeah, I kind of mind. Where

are the girls?

They escaped.

We better find them fast.

Weirdo's right. Let's go.

Hey, you okay?

This isn't exactly how I planned my wedding.

Yeah.

These things never go how you think they will.

The best thing you can do is just try to roll with the punches, you know.

There should be enough stuff in here to kill all your girlfriends.

Will you quit saying that? What?

I don't know if I can do this.

Man up, boy.

This will put hair on your chest.

I don't want any hair on my chest.

So, they're supposed to kill people with this stuff. Not people.

Eternal demons.

How do you know so much about these demons?

You learn a lot of things here at the park.

battling eternal demons is just part of the job.

Well, how'd you find out how to kill them?

Actually, I didn't. Not yet.

Wait, what?

They all got away.

What do you mean, they got away?

You mean you don't even know if this stuff worked? Well, I don't know if it

won't. Well, he has a point.

I mean, it worked with Father Price.

True.

Actually, to be 100 % up front with you all, I'm not...

certain that he was possessed.

Get certain!

Okay? You better be right about this.

Maybe Calista just thinks she has to kill people.

You know, dreams can be really realistic.

For example, right now.

This dream is very realistic.

Wake up, Doug! Wake up, Doug! Wake up, Doug! Wake up, Doug! Wake up, Doug!

Hello,

lover boy.

Your family is dead, remember?

Yeah, and as I recall, you were the only one I saw killing anyone.

Yeah. Don't stab me if I'm wrong here, Clyde, but I think it's appropriate to

say... that you probably did kill most of the people back there. Maybe so.

Maybe so, but I did it to save you.

We're losing time.

Ben?

Doug?

We must be careful in here.

Not only are we on the lookout for eternal demons Wild animals are

Stay focused

That was a defenseless animal.

It's just the beginning, soldiers.

Clyde?

Folklore only happens in the movies.

I'm gonna save Callista!

I think you're gonna have to suck on his legs some more.

Work them and walk. Two, three, four. Up. Lift those knees. Ladies back. Other

way. Come on up. Up. Up. Up. And south. Shoulders. And south. That's it, homies.

South. South.

to the big dance routine, which was really pretty fun, wasn't it? Wow, I

that exercise. That felt great.

Well, anyhow, we followed Doug, who followed Callista, who followed her

insatiable thirst for blood.

Well, I didn't think that Doug was going to go in there. What he's trying to say

is Doug and Callista are in the barn.

Ah, the moments of truth.

Okay,

Doug.

Mind over matter, my friend.

It's cool.

No big deal. It's just a barn.

Yeah, a creepy old barn. Breathe.

Just a dream.

It's all just a dream.

Day drawn.

Fall, buddy.

Well, fall.

Hi, Dougie.

Kiss me.

Oh, how cute. You're nervous.

Mommy! That's a weird thing to say.

Kathy?

I'm sorry about the wedding, babe.

It's just cute. This is our honeymoon.

I'm scared.

So am I, but we've waited for this forever.

I know, but I don't want to be immortal or anything.

I thought we wanted to be together forever, my love.

I do, but I don't know what happened to you.

I don't know either.

I've dreamed of our wedding for as long as

I can remember.

Your touch.

Your face.

I love you so deeply, Doug.

Your mom and I planned for so long.

Look at me.

I can't even talk these fucking things. You think I feel normal?

I thought I'd be the most beautiful bride ever.

All I want is you, Dougie.

Dougie!

Dougie! Just shut up. I can't concentrate.

Look into my eyes.

All that matters is you and I. You're not helping!

We're with Ted Ducky. I have to tell you something.

What?

I'm pregnant.

I'm having your baby.

Well, we didn't do it.

How could I have gotten you pregnant?

Remember that game I taught you where you play the blindfolded paralyzed

and I play the nurse?

Yeah.

That's sex.

I did it because I love you, and I was really horny.

I taught my mom that game.

Don't worry, Doug.

I hate her.

I will not go easily, Dougie!

I think we're going to be fine.

I trust Doug.

I think he's going to make the right decision.

Whoa! What are they doing?

They're just kind of rolling in the hay.

I'm not.

You maybe.

Doug. You did kill a lot of people.

I know.

I feel terrible.

Doug?

Yeah?

I don't want to die.

I don't want to kill you.

Holy moly! Callista!

What? You're beautiful!

Look!

How did this happen?

It must be my magic weenie juice.

Hey, I bet if we do it again, you'll turn into Heidi Klint. Oh my gosh!

Remember that pendant I found?

Yeah. I still think I'd look good in that, by the way.

Doug, everything's becoming so clear to me. Yeah, I have that effect on the

lady. How would you know?

Well, maybe round two will be more telling.

No, no, no. Seriously, everything's becoming so clear to me. You know, I'd

coming if you'd stop talking so much.

Okay, the green stone in this necklace is what possessed my mom ten years ago.

It must have been what possessed me.

It must have been cursed or something.

Oh, my God, the girls are still wearing their earrings.

We have to stop them. No, no. No, no, no, no, no. No more killing. It's the

way to save innocent people. I thought my unit was the only way to save them.

Come on, we're running out of time.

What happened?

Speak, mortal.

Why do you have to be so weird? Why can't you just be normal for five

just want to know what's going on.

Doug! Doug!

Are you okay?

Did you kill Callista?

I...

Fixer. Is that what you're calling it these days?

Come on.

Let's find those girls before they do any more damage. But they ran off into

woods. Which is not our forte.

That won't be a problem.

I planted a remote exploding device on one of the little honeys during our

little dance.

Where did you get a remote explosive device?

I use them here at the park, killing bees and groundhogs.

Bees? I'm allergic.

Can't get too close.

All I gotta do is flip this here toggle switch and hope that we're close enough

that we can hear her explode.

Wait, don't!

Do you remember which girl you planted the bomb on?

Uh, yeah. Uh, C -Cups, uh, black hair, trying to kill me.

Oh, okay. That's Monica. Yeah, flip the switch.

She's close.

Tammy, don't.

Tammy. Tammy, where are you? It's me, Stevie Weeby. I still love you.

Oh, Doug, I got to get out of here.

I know what to do. I'll just fist her like you fisted Calista. Wait, Steve

Okay, baby.

Let's go to the barn, and then you can have all my flesh.

Flesh, get it? Oh, that's a funny joke. Yeah, right?

Come on, baby.

I forgot to tell you! Where are they running off to?

Tammy is about to be repeatedly stabbed by little Stevie.

But he doesn't have a weapon.

Different kind of stabbing.

Jiminy Christmas on wheels.

Well, he has to get close enough to reverse the damage.

Reverse the damage?

What in the devil's red toilet are you talking about?

Look at me. I'm cured.

Then all it took was fornication.

Fornication is right!

Sorry, Tammy. Sorry, Steve.

Sorry, Tammy. I'm not trying to touch your boobies. I mean, they're really

boobies, but it's just I'm trying to rescue you. Don't you understand?

No!

No! Why would you do that?

No!

Look at her and look at me, man.

This doesn't happen.

Now I gotta get my own apartment.

Do you know how rich her dad is?

Hey, buddy, I'm not your buddy, okay? I don't hang out with murdering

psychopaths. okay?

And you, you, you just wanted to feel up my girlfriend, all right? And now, and

now Tammy is, Tammy's alive!

Die! Die! Die! Die!

Die! Die! Die!

What?

What?

Sorry, man.

What are you gonna do with the body?

What? Bite off you.

I will kill you!

She was hot.

Doug.

I couldn't do it. What?

I'm gonna go look for my underwear.

I couldn't do it.

She looked all crazy.

And she had the blood and the teeth and... I couldn't get it up.

I am so sorry.

Dude, and you know me, man. I go boom just listening to my voicemail.

Please enter your password, followed by the pound key.

And the one time it really matters.

Can't get it up.

Funny, I sort of had the opposite happen. The excitement and danger of

being eaten alive was a total turn on.

I'm still hard.

Well,

what do we do now?

There's something you need to know.

Those green stones in her earrings, that's what possessed her to kill

So what you're telling me is all we had to do is take out her earrings?

Yeah.

Sorry. We tried to tell you.

This is the worst day ever!

I just thought I overheard you say the green stone did all this.

Yeah, that's what it looks like.

I knew it.

Then we may have a big problem here.

I'll get my tuck.

Where are all the bodies?

I've got a bad feeling about this.

That green stone was found on this property.

This is an old Indian graveyard.

That stone belonged to one of them.

Some say that the Indians vowed revenge when they were wiped out hundreds of

years ago.

That stone must have opened some link to their spirits.

Cool story, Grandpa.

I think I'm gonna call the police now.

What's happening?

I don't have any bars.

Come on!

Hey!

Where's your team at, bro?

Hey,

is that William?

William, you got my voicemail. Thanks for coming, dude.

Not this one!

no sane relation between its words and its...

Can

we

start over?

I got two left feet, man. I'm not even... And then we can move!

With love in his eyes, not lust. Come on. If by love you mean he could tie a

cherry stem with his tongue, then yeah, I agree.

That doesn't make any sense. First off, no cherries in the Shire.

Second off, I don't know where you get your information from. I'm just saying,

it came from Wikipedia.

Why don't you guys play another game, huh? Let's play, but I had to spend one

minute without talking about Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings or Buffy.

Ha! Let your balls drop, man!

And at least pretend to like...

Well, Clyde, thanks a lot.

We really couldn't have done this without you.

No problem, little mortal friend.

Well, looks like I got a lot of bodies to bury. My work's cut out for me.

Yeah, we should get out of here as well. We have a lot of explaining to do.

And some preparations to make.

What? No way, Doug, you're gonna be a daddy?

Jealous!

And congratulations on your big day for having such perfect weather.

Thanks. Congratulations, Doug. This must be the happiest day in your whole life.

It is.

It is.

Here comes the bride, all dressed in red. Her bachelorette party is the

dead. Yeah, the wedding was a bust. The guests are deceased. But I guess at

least they forever hold their peace now.

Doug and Calista can start a new life. He got the monkey off his back and the

hell out of his wife. When the zombies come attack, we don't even care. Between

the robot and Clyde, we're getting there.

Deep in the woods, these girls are thriller.

Out in the barn, Doug's a lady killer.

A demon killer. A clitoral slayer. He went from total nerd to super player.

Break that neck or throw them earrings out. You may now kiss the bride while

that demon pouts.

Something borrowed. Something blue.

Something bloody. They will come for you. This is my bloody wedding.

This is my bloody wedding.

Come together today To witness something today When the devil gets her away

Don't try to catch that bouquet Okay

This is my bloody wedding This is my bloody wedding

Hey,

Doug, I just farted in your thought bubble.

All right, cut for a second.

Doug, it's like there's something inside.

Listen, it's like there's something inside me.

It's like there's something inside me, like I have a disease.

Oh, Doug, listen. It's like there's something inside me, like I...

Doug, listen.

It's like there's something inside me, like I have a disease.

Three or four weeks?

Steve, the week?

Fuck me.

Sorry. Hey,

maybe even a few...

three's if we have the energy.

God, that's funny.

They're weakly at three's.

Oh,

I'm sorry for trusting you.

Great.

Oh, that's a lot.

Cut.

All right, robot, you're running back.

Can you hear me?

I came here to make it.

Just skip the line.

No.

I came here to make it.

Rolling.

Cut. They're banging.

Oh. Pretty sure you guys are laying in horse shit.

Rolling.

Is it like ham?

She eats so much ham.

And at least pretend to like sports.

The dude in the tights thinks we're being immature.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I dress up like a wrestler every day. That's for nerds.

Hey, William, you got my voicemail. Thanks for coming, dude.

Hey, wasn't that Morgan Mead?

Cut!

She's in a ball of poppin'.

Work things out.

It's harder to break your heart when you're walking out.

And it's a long way back to being in love, but it's better than being apart.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Before we spoke, I knew you had your I

just wanted the chance to work things out.

It's a long way back to being in love, but it's better than being apart.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is impossible.

Thank you.