Original subtitles

I can't believe you keep the one on the floor like my father.

That's all right.

We all know who's number one. Wait, wait, wait. Number one is Frank, hands

Let's not kid ourselves. Yeah, but who's number two? My number two was Louis

Primo. Louis Primo? You got Perry Como?

Perry Como was a bopper.

You got Perry Carmel, Julius LaRosa, Jimmy Roselli. Wait, wait, wait. Mr.

Darin, come on back tonight.

Bobby Darin.

Bobby D.

All right.

Okay,

Dion. Dion.

I love Dion.

Dion's good.

You got Paul Anka who wants to be Italian. What about Sammy Davis?

Sammy Davis is black. We're talking Italian.

He's Italian? Come on.

I think we're missing the point.

Johnny fucking Slade. That's it.

Johnny Slade.

Johnny Slade. Johnny Slade.

Who the fuck is Johnny Slade? You never heard of Johnny Slade?

Oh, it's a night to pop a cherry on the top of your cane.

It's a night to give you this glass of milk.

I want to squirt whipped cream all over your Sunday heart,

my dear.

Just step up to the soda fountain of love.

I'm so happy just to have you come and sit on my stool.

And every time I think of serving you a soda, it makes me drool.

I will always be your precious soda jerk of my love.

Just step up to the soda fountain of love.

Will I fall in your trap if you press on my tap like

I'm just another sack who can't run?

Will you put me through the hoop?

If I taste your double scoops, or will you call off the troops and have some

fun?

Though it's impossible to reach over the counter from where you sit, I

will always give to you a chance to make my bananas bled.

No one says we have to play by the rules, my dear.

Just step up to, yeah, step up to, step up to Big Snow Mountain.

And

this

guy was so great.

How come he never made a pick? Oh, he made a pick all right. It was just not

usual way.

Let's just say he did it.

His way. You fucking guys are breaking my balls.

We're not busting your balls.

You got some time, right?

You want to hear the greatest story of Johnny Slade? The story of Johnny Slade

and Frank.

Sinatra? No, not Sinatra. Frank Giannini. Dean?

Frank Giannini?

Right, Dean Frank Giannini.

Now sit back, relax, and I'm going to tell you one of the greatest stories

you're ever going to hear.

You know what, guys?

I love yous, but I heard this story a hundred times. A thousand. I know who

See what you started?

All right, listen to this.

A couple years back, Johnny goes out, sings a couple of dives, he makes a

albums, but nobody's buying him. I mean, he couldn't get a break. This guy was

cold. This guy was so cold that if a penguin walked into the club he was

at, it would freeze his fucking balls off.

Thank you.

Don't forget to tell your friend.

Johnny, come on. They ate you with a spoon. Which one? The guy passed out of

one staring with blank indifference. Blank indifference.

Why am I always the glass half full guy?

You see blank indifference. I see a man studying every lyric.

So we can glean exactly what the song is saying. It's a love song.

I know it's a love song. It's a beautiful love song. The whole imagery

Whipped cream, cherry on top, double scoop. Jerry, I can't do this anymore.

Can't do what? What are you saying? What are you talking about? Johnny, this is

your life. Don't tell me that, Jerry. This is my life.

You want me to commit suicide or something? Plan an empty dive?

Johnny, wait a minute.

I've got a wonderful surprise for you.

I got you a gig.

Oh, how pathetic is it when your manager announces a gig like you hit the

fucking lottery?

Whoa, hold me back. I'm speechless.

Johnny, this is not just a gig.

This is an opening.

A beautiful room in a magnificent new club. What's it called, the club?

Come on, Jerry. The guy who owns it. He's very big.

Very important.

Why does he want me?

Why does he want you? What kind of attitude is that?

Because you're Johnny Slade, that's why.

See, I'm always the glass half full guy. Why does he want me, Jerry? Come on.

Well, he heard about you, you know.

Oh, really?

He heard about me from what?

Albums, Johnny.

He's got one of your old albums.

Which one?

I'm There For You, Baby.

Really? Yeah.

Wants me to open? Swear to honest to God he wants to meet you tomorrow.

Johnny, this could be the jump start you need.

Jump start?

I need a V8 and a new set of radials.

Johnny drives way out to Jersey. I mean, way the fuck out in Jersey.

Yeah, so far the fucking way in Jersey that if somebody goes out there, they

usually end up in the jackpot.

Capisce?

But Johnny's starting to wonder, what the fuck is going on here?

Johnny, this is not just a gig.

This is an opening.

The guy who owns it is very big, very important. What does he want me to do?

I'm not Samantha.

He's in there.

Should I go in there?

You want to go see him?

I'm here to see him. Well, why don't you go in there then?

Mr. Samantha, hang on.

I'm opening a new club.

You might say it's my dream club.

I'm looking for a singer to open up for me.

Any questions?

No, not at all. Listen, Mr. Cement, I can't tell you. How happy?

I expect you to do a good job and sing every word clearly.

Clearly? Oh, yeah. My diction's impeccable. You what?

It's very important that the audience understands every word.

They have to get all the lyrics.

as you people call them.

I find lyrics very important, don't you? I'm there for you, baby.

You what?

I'm there for you, baby.

Not always, not once.

Don't sing to me.

Don't ever sing to me. Okay, Mr. Smith. I will not stand for a man singing to

me. It won't happen again.

There's something very disturbing about it. You know, I'm not really crazy about

it myself.

It's just that, you know, that song.

I know you like that one.

I like what? That album, I'm There For You Baby.

What the fuck album is this?

Well, it's mine. I mean, I know that's the reason that you hired me, right?

Because of that. Some people told me that they think they heard of you.

Oh.

That's very flattering.

Yeah. Learn this song.

You're gonna sing it tonight.

My Funny Stupid Shoes, that's what it's called?

No, that's good. That's catchy.

Is there any music that goes with this? What music? What do you mean, music?

You're the singer. You put the music to it. Well, how does it go?

That's what I hired you for.

The band is going to need some kind of music. I mean, we need to rehearse this.

We need to set a beautiful arrangement. Here's what I'm paying you per week.

Oh, okay.

This is for the manager, Charlie Payne.

Make sure.

You read the dedication.

Oh, yeah.

All the Vegas cats think they got it made.

If they only knew they're missing not being Johnny Slade.

Johnny Slade has left the city.

Johnny Slade is in the house.

Isn't it exciting?

Oh, we'll be drinking later.

Look at this place.

Wow. Paging Johnny Slade. Paging Mr.

Johnny Slade. Hey, I'll get that, boy.

Just kidding.

Can I help you, sir?

Two lips times four.

That's the menage a four.

I'm Johnny Slade, you goose.

I'm supposed to recognize you. I give up. Two lips times four off my epic

album. Missed that one, huh? I think I did.

Wasn't that the Beatles?

What's that?

The White Elm.

Wasn't that the Beatles? You think the Beatles are the only ones to save on

printing cards?

Why don't you show me through my quarters there, Beachwood?

Let's go.

Short eyeballs.

Not bad. I hope you find the room comfortable, Mr. Slade. Yeah, yeah, it's

bad. It's a little on the, uh, a little doily, but that's okay.

It'll do.

You all set that beach wood?

You take exact change?

Yeah, sure. Here you go.

You know, Thanksgiving's on a Thursday this year.

It is?

All right, why don't you hit the bricks? I'm going to regalvanize for the big

night. Thanks a lot. All right, sir.

I'll see you.

Charlie Payne.

I'll give it a one, too.

Johnny Slade, Marmalade, Gatorade, just another household name. I am on the cusp

of a new sexual frontier, like Lewis and Clark.

Stick with me, and I'll show you worlds you never dreamed existed.

Oh, let me guess.

You're the singer.

Oh, that's a good ear you have.

Band's over there. You go on at 8 sharp, Red Peters opens for you. Mr. Samantha

gave me a song. Um, just... A word of caution, Johnny.

Since you're new here and you didn't know this, but around here, there is no

Samantha. See, he's kind of like a silent partner, you know? So it's best

just consider me the owner, and, heck, you don't even need to mention his name.

Ever. From your lips to Johnny's ears.

You know, with this song, what I think I'll do is I'll give it a... Do you not

understand how much I don't give a shit right now?

Am I not being perfectly clear with my expression of total and complete

disinterest in your songs?

There's a spark of something, huh?

I can tell.

I seem to touch some kind of nerve in you.

Hey, I was thinking maybe after my... Oh, look, that is not going to happen,

don't even go there, all right, Johnny?

What I was going to say was, after my set, I would turn in early.

It's been a very long day, but...

Very fascinating, you thought along those lines just now.

Oh, yeah.

There you are, laid out before me like statues of cool on the Mount Olympus of

jazz. Listen, I dig your stuff, okay? And your stuff, you sure as hell dig in

me. You are so hot, you're cool, and so you're so cool, you're hot.

To say you sound as crazy as crazy itself, you know? So lock me away.

You should all be punished in the best possible way.

And I've got just the tonsils to do so.

Did Jerry Boy come through for you or did he not?

What the hell is this?

What the hell is what? What the hell is this? This, this.

My funny, stupid shoes.

What is this?

You tell me you know nothing about this.

New song for tonight, no music?

He wants you to sing this?

Yeah.

Jerry, it's awful, man. It's like Englebert Humperdinck on crack.

Johnny, I swear on a stack of babies I didn't know anything about this.

It's no problem, is it? I mean, you can't sing it, right?

Johnny, this is your big comeback. Right here, I can smell it like a cake with

flowers. Hey, look, don't you think I know that, man, huh?

That's why I get scared when someone throws a corkscrew at my eye like this.

You know how I feel about doing my own material, Jim. Do I know?

You're asking me, do I know?

Johnny, if you'd done a cover once, just once, anything, fucking Amore, man, the

gigs we could have had. I do not now, nor will I ever, sing a cover tune, man.

That is not Johnny Slade. Well, surely you're not calling this a cover.

Johnny. The only way this would ever qualify as a cover is if someone

performed it prior to tonight, see?

As opposed to merely scribbling it on a stained piece of paper.

What is that, by the way?

I'm hoping it's tea.

This is a nice place, huh? Yeah.

You know, I've been thinking about ending every sentence with, like a

monkey.

He sings tonight, right?

Like a fucking monkey.

Hey, play the fuck through.

Come on, hit the bricks.

So now the big night rolls around, it's Johnny's debut, and he bangs the joint

out. I mean, the place is packed.

Everybody there and their mother. I mean, all of a sudden, this guy's got

power.

Bob, do me a favor. Don't move the fucking seat, please, all right? Oh,

look at this place, huh?

I don't understand why Frank doesn't use one of his strip clubs like a fucking

monkey.

Because the feds know he owns them, you moron. Oh, yeah.

And by the way, that like a fucking monkey, it doesn't work after every

sentence. No?

Punctuation? No, no punctuation. You think I should drop it? Drop it.

Lou Genova just arrived.

Good. Stick with him. Let's see who he makes contact with. Welcome to the club.

Hello, welcome to the club.

Ladies and gentlemen, back that way.

Welcome to the club and stuff.

Interesting name, the club and stuff. How about Barney's Club and Stuff?

Come on down to Barney's Club and Stuff.

By the way, what is the owner's name, actually? Charlie Payne.

Me. And were you making fun of me just then? Oh, gracious, no. I'd sooner choke

an ostrich. Hey, Johnny, who's that woman at the door?

She welcomed me to the club and stuff. Charlie Payne? She's the manager.

Uh -huh.

Jerry, you do know something about this place.

Jerry.

Jerry, you do know something about this place, right? Of course I do.

Not that much, not really.

Is Johnny Slade singing here? Uh, Johnny Slade, yeah.

Well, you mean to tell me that you've actually heard of him. I have all his

albums, including some he hasn't made yet. It is my embarrassment to be

something of a groupie.

Yet I'm not homosexual in any way.

Oh, get going, Smiley. You're making me nervous.

You're my manager, for Christ's sake. You're supposed to look out for me. How

we get this gig?

Guy came up to me. What guy?

That guy.

Johnny, if this goes well, I am seriously thinking of selling the used

That's how confident I am right now.

Al Coletti? Steve Levante?

Blue's crew.

Very nice.

Red Peters.

I love this guy. What a bonus.

Anyone alive?

Huh?

Apparently not.

All right.

I'm Red Peters.

I've been elected to open things up here at the club.

Elected, which is paid.

What do you think of that name, the club, huh?

Took 12 focus groups to come up with that name.

Can you believe that?

I'm thinking of changing my name to The Comic.

After that, I'll be the drunk at the bar.

30 years in show business. Are you ready, Slick?

Red's almost done.

Don't do it.

Don't do it, sugar. I can tell what you're going to do.

What am I going to do, smart guy?

Wish me luck.

I can see it on your lips.

Save it for a starving child, Charlie. I'm just a singer. I bring joy, not

You are such an asshole.

But likable, right? Admit it. You like me.

I can almost stomach you.

Progress.

I'll take it.

Hey, speaking of projectile vomiting, only kidding. I'll tell you, folks, we

have a terrific new singer here tonight.

What's his name?

He's here courtesy of Smelt Records.

Svelte Records, excuse me. Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a warm welcome for

Mr. Johnny Slade.

Be yours to lose, dickhead.

Thank you very much.

Just a little pawn and some lousy game of checkers.

Making fancy moves as you king me with your smile.

King me, even though we're bowling. King me as my balls are rolling. Straight

toward your pins of love.

Jump me, even though it's ping pong.

Jump me, because I'm not some ding -dong. Jump me, or I'll be torn.

to take your queen.

A taste of fanny.

Farmer candy.

A taste of pussy.

Willow tree.

It's not about the pasta you cook in your bar.

It's not about the wrap.

When your head is in a knot.

About me? No!

Hooker's eating in my bed!

Take my life! God!

Holy day, I'm in that bed!

No!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

you. This next song is something a little different for us.

My grocery list.

I want to send this next number out to two very special ladies.

Alice and Steph.

Shoes.

My funny, funny shoes.

They always seem to lose.

Stupid, stupid shoes.

Shoes.

They're always underfoot.

And sometimes they've got soot on them. My

stupid loser shoes.

The dice of life we throw.

And seeing as we owe so much.

Those melancholy shoes.

Please.

It's with the greatest ease.

set of knees are yours you funny stupid shoes

So, for most of the set, Johnny bombs as usual. But until he gets to that stupid

shoe song Mr. Samantha wrote for him, he gets the best response he ever got

since his first blowjob.

Give me a break.

The crowd really went for that stuff?

Yeah, they did.

Hey, thanks a lot there, Skittlebop. Tell you what, leave the whole urn.

Thank you.

Well, if it isn't Phony Bennett. Ah, my sacrificial angel of love.

Listen to this.

Flamboyant Jimmy Santos, better known as Jimmy Shoes, was assaulted last night

as he emerged from Benny's Casino on the boardwalk. The longtime professional

gambler and odds maker had both legs broken in what's believed to be a gang

-related attack.

The hospitalized Santos refuses to identify his assailants.

Wow. You can read.

I just lost the bet. No, I mean it's funny, you know?

Shoes? Shoes. I mean that song from the other... Never mind.

He wants to see you.

What? Oh, Mr. Silent Partner.

Mr. Can't -Even -Say -His -Name.

Good

morning,

Mr. Samantha.

Sit down.

You mind if I stand?

I got a little, um... Do whatever the fuck you want to do. Why should I care?

Thanks.

Heard you were good last night.

I was.

How'd the last song go? Great.

I heard you sang a word for word. I'm very good with words.

Oh, I know.

Addiction. Too bad you couldn't have been there.

Yeah, well, I got on good, uh... Well, something or other that went over very

well. Besides the results that count. I don't need to hear anything.

Results?

Yeah, never mind.

Here. What's this?

It's your new song.

New song?

What about Funny Shoes? Forget it. It's out.

Yeah, but it went over really well.

I know.

I wrote it. But you never got to hear it. You'd be really proud.

Let's do this one tonight.

You want me to learn a new song every night?

Oh, you're going to learn a new song every five minutes if I want you to, as

long as I'm paying you.

My elephant's wet. Who cares? What the fuck?

Listen, I'm sorry. I mean, what the gosh darn does my elephant's wet mean?

You don't have to know what it means. You just have to sing it.

But how can I put my heart into something if I don't know what I'm

Why not?

Everybody else does.

But if I only could know what it means.

You think I really give a fuck whether you know what it means or not? Just sing

it. Mr. Samantha, have you ever written songs before? Get the fuck out of here.

Okay.

Johnny Slade.

Love the shoe song.

Especially the part about the extra knees.

Very funny.

Can't have too many knees.

That's a good one, all right, huh?

See you tonight.

Yeah, we wouldn't miss it.

Hey, got a new song for us to do tonight. It's called My Elephant's Wet,

Cares?

Thank you. Thank you very much.

This last tune goes out to Vicki.

Elephant sweat, who cares?

Though he's trying to walk up them stairs.

When he opens his big fat trunk, he's going to get quite a dunk.

My elephant don't have no sense.

That's what he's going to say then.

He deserves whatever he gets.

Go to that elephant.

Say, an elephant.

It's really pretty dead.

Nice shot. That he didn't smarten up.

Not better how to swim.

I'm a sucker.

Put the brick in.

Look at it. Never mind. Just look at it.

Joey the Elephant Malvete's.

Out floating.

Yeah, so what?

Elephant? Joey the Elephant?

Joey the Elephant. Bo Winkle the Moose. Felix the Cat. So what? These guys

always have names like that. Opens his big fat trunk.

Gets quite a dunk. Doesn't smarten up. Does that not ring a bell?

Do you even fucking pay attention when I'm singing?

Oh. Hey, that's funny, huh?

before.

Jimmy shoes, extra set of knees, legs broken.

Hey, that's funny, too.

That's funny? How is this funny?

You're not getting the picture, okay?

I am sending out some kind of signal, all right? I'm getting the fucking

out. What the fuck are you talking about?

Do I have to hit you a fucking shot to the throat?

Samantha is using me to send instructions to her fucking guys.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

This is sad.

This is just sad. It's pathetic. It's tragic to see you like this.

Not as a manager, but as a friend.

Are you really that self -important that you think your little songs are running

the local mob scene?

Oh, how mighty have the fallen. It's how the mighty have fallen, you ding -dong.

Whatever. It just saddens me to see this kind of delusional behavior here on the

eve of your comeback.

I don't understand, though. It's too much of a coincidence. This is what's

as fear of success.

I've seen it before.

I'll see it again.

Why don't you fucking blow me?

Hi, Luke.

Hey. Go to Mr.

Samantha. Tell him... Tell him it is no longer practical for me to come to his

place of business any longer.

You gotta get me out of this. Out of what?

Your life? Your comeback?

Don't do this to yourself. Don't self -destruct, friend John.

What about if he gives me another song?

I'd say it's very prolific.

Forget that.

New song went well.

Did it?

I don't care about that.

I got a new one.

Ah, jeez.

Some problem?

No, no, no, no. No problem, really. I mean, Mr. Smith, how come you write

songs if you never really want to hear them?

All right.

You've done good so far.

I guess you deserve some explanation.

My father all his life had dreams for me.

Dreams of me going into the family business, which is singing.

Singing. That's right.

And it was in such an environment that I grew to hate the vocal arts.

Everybody in my family sang beautiful, beautiful voices.

That's really nice.

It was nauseating.

However, as time passed, and I've grown to mellow, as you can see, and while

singing still remains to me a foul and problematic outlet, I find I'm

not adverse to the creation of interesting, sometimes humorous, Lyrics,

call them. No one trained as I am. Kind of like an idiot fervent, you might say.

What the fuck did you just call me? It means genius.

Genius. Don't blow smoke up my ass, Slade.

They're just amusing, potentially lucrative, popular tunes that I've

I find it comes relatively easy to me. The way that you may shit or eat a meal.

And it's in that spirit that I'm giving you yet another new song.

Well, you see, that's what I'm saying.

It's like I hardly get a chance to work up even one of these delightful ditties

when you present me with yet another one, you know? It's kind of like an

abundance of riches, so to speak.

Too much of a good thing? Yeah.

Why don't we give each song a chance to nurture and grow, you know? From

performance to performance, we perfect each nuance, each subtlety, each... No.

No? No.

Look at it this way, Mrs. Wade.

Every one of my little contributions is like a little baby bird leaving the

nest. I mean, would it be right to contain it?

Bring it back again and again?

No. We must give it flight.

Freedom to soar forever on the wings of its own destiny.

You do have a way with words.

So, you too.

What? Take flight, little bird.

Now. Vamos.

Yeah.

Oh.

Lou told me to tell you he won't be coming around anymore.

So I said, pee on the rug one more time. There'll be no peanut butter on my

balls when I get home tonight.

You people are terrible. You're terrible.

Hey, speaking of terrible, here he is with more songs about cruelty to

Mr. Johnny Slade.

Thank you.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. You're very kind.

A lot kinder than red here. I tell you, I love that guy, huh?

You know, I must be a glutton for punishment.

Every night, I introduce a new song.

How stupid is that, huh?

So let's get it over with.

Louise, this one's for you.

Oh, me dear, it is true to me. Eyes are blue and left their reds when I am

still. That's most of the time, I think.

I'm seldom without the drink. Oh, lifted our heads with hammers.

Lifted our heads with hammers.

Lifted our heads with hammers and we'll all fall down.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

Thank you.

No, thanks. No paper today, please. Thank you.

Hey, you ever play miniature golf? I wonder if there's such thing as a

golf pro. Johnny! Johnny!

Hey, stay away from me. Johnny, you gotta see this. No, no, no. Keep that

fucking paper away from me. Johnny, you were right. No, no. No, nothing is

right. Nothing is ever right, Jerry.

Tommy Farrell.

In the hospital.

Mob ties.

Connected to Lloyd Dunnigan.

Who the fuck's Lloyd Dunnigan?

Is anyone home in there?

Dunnigan. Boss of all the Irish action. That's who.

A rival of Frank, Mr.

Samantha Giannini. How stupid are you? Stupid?

Stupid, huh?

This is fear of success, Jerry. This is self -delusion, self -importance. Is

that what it is?

Excuse us. I'm sorry, Johnny, all right? I'm sorry. Look, I didn't know.

No, no, no, no, no. You got me into this, and you gotta get me.

Another beer, please?

Johnny Slade. Hey, that's you. What do you know?

How's it hanging there, pal?

Yeah, get in the booth.

That booth?

No, the booth up my ass. What do you think?

You're going to take my manager with me. You're a big boy now, Johnny. I've been

telling them to leave the mess for years. This guy makes all my key

for me. I really don't want to sit down without him. We're practically

inseparable. Just you.

Mr. Dunnigan wants a word with just you.

Don't forget what I said about taking care of that throat, Johnny.

Hot tea with lots of lemon.

Pleasure to have met you.

Boiled dinner?

No, thanks.

So, I hear you're some singer. Well, yes, I am. I mean, I'm a singer.

I don't know about some singer. That would imply that I'm an exceptional

Although I guess it could mean that I'm just some singer in the sense that I'm

one of many singers. Well, perhaps I'm thinking some singer in a sense that you

have what you might call unusual songs. It's really run -of -the -mill stuff. I

tell you the truth, I don't even know where this stuff begins.

You know, those tabloids. Oh, Christ.

I hear you sing about things like, well, shoes, wet elephants, even an

occasional funny mick or two.

I have to say, those are the likes of some pretty silly things to be singing

about in a nightclub. Yeah, well, that's true, they are, but I never sing

anything about a mick. Not only that, there seems to be a bit of rough stuff

there, too, all that hammering and drowning and eye -gouging.

Enough for a grand opera, I'd say. Yeah, it's really just a bunch of, you

know... Well, you did write the songs, didn't you?

They say Johnny Slade only does his own material. You're not going to try and

tell me you didn't write it.

No, I'm not going to tell you that, Mr. Donegan.

Look,

look, it's just a bunch of silly stuff, okay?

It's a bunch of silly stuff that I cobbled together.

Cobbled? Cobbled, yes.

And the men are speaking if songs are cobbled. So it's just a bit of fun, a

little bit of fun, is it? Yeah, you see, it isn't any more fun. Ah, that's good,

that's good.

Well, I'm glad we could have this chat. Never let it be said that Lloyd

Donegan's not for support in the arts. I'll see if I can send some business

way. Maybe we can get a mick or two in the crowd for you.

Oh, just one more thing, Johnny.

Who does own that club?

Charlie Payne.

That's what I hear.

It's clear it's clean. Why is he talking to Lloyd Donegan?

Born Johnny Salino, family of seven, very blue -collar, father worked in

warehouses. Hey, this guy doesn't have a record. He doesn't. I'm there for you,

baby, king me, sort of fountain of love, the White Album. Funny stuff, Bob. The

White Album? He recorded under his own label, Svelte Records.

Not much ever came of it, just a work's blue collar in between gigs.

Sad case.

To this day, he's never played a single mob on club. Commendable? Well, he was

never asked. Oh.

I think he's involved.

Doing what?

Singing illegal songs.

Forget it. We don't have the manpower to cover him, too.

For the first time in Johnny's career, he's feeling a little successful.

But he knows he's working for Frank Giannini.

And if that ain't enough, he's got the mix bringing down his neck.

Jeez.

I never knew the music business was so controlled.

Get the fuck out of here. No gig is worth this.

Frank has a little problem, you might say, in the form of federal warrants

outstanding on him.

That's the reason he's hiding in that stupid little room, Samantha.

Well, that's quite a name, huh?

Fucking genius.

Such a little spy.

I thought it was kind of funny.

Yeah, that's pretty funny.

And he'd kill you if you left.

So don't go losing your head with all your merry laughing and shit. I got that

distinct impression. That's why I'm leaving, toots.

What are you going to do? gonna do cross the state line oh can't catch me there

knowing what you know what do i know i don't know anything i'm just a singer of

songs i don't know nothing when you get down to it what do i really know let me

hear the saying don't shoot the messenger and i'm just the manager of a

nightclub listen fabian don't play dumb with me i was there when he had the big

brainstorm 39 steps It's an organization of spies.

For Christ's sake, would you come to bed and shut that fucking thing off? Shut

the fuck up. It's the 39 steps. It's fucking Hitchcock, for Christ's sake.

Hitchcock? Like psycho?

This is from his British period, you fucking dim -witted twat. They're coming

cart you away, you stupid jackass. Oh, that's it. Just sit there. They could

carry the whole chair. Or maybe they'll have satellite in prison.

Shh, shh, shh. A second, a second.

I'm having a fucking epiphany!

I don't deserve this, but thank you. Thank you!

He told the crew exactly what he was doing, how they'd get their orders.

Then he opens the club and hires a singer.

So desperate, so in need, so absolutely pathetic. Oh, thank you very much.

That's real nice.

And then with everybody's phone tap, he has no connection to the outside world

except you.

George's voice.

Come on, baby.

Check hard merchandise.

Look in my truck. Jump time, boys.

If there's a ship in the good, you know I'm checking it out.

The price is below. There shouldn't be any doubt.

Jimmy, what do you got for me? I am the important thing. If these boxes feel

empty, you should have started singing.

What the fuck?

Straight to your heart.

Have you seen these? Look, I know I'm at the apex of a gangland war here. Relax,

you dumb guinea. They're reviews.

You're getting ink.

Look at this. Look at this. They love your guts.

And this is only the local papers. We'll start doing radio interviews.

Talk shows. What is this? Comic singer.

Comic singer? They better be talking about Weird Al. What the fuck is this,

Jerry? They think I'm a fucking comedian.

Isn't it great?

No, no, no, no, it's not great, Jerry. I'm trying to be a serious singer here.

Well, the money's going to be serious, Pavarotti. Believe me, the money's no

joke. I am a stock that people are laughing at. We'll get respect from

labels, real labels that we didn't make up. You'll warm up to it, trust me. No,

no, I can't warm up to it, Jerry, I can't.

What else are you going to do?

Quit? No, all I know is I'm not going to spend the rest of my life singing this

crap. What are you going to sing, then?

Your own crap?

What is that supposed to mean, huh?

Your stupid songs.

They were never any good.

I never thought you felt that way, Jerry. I thought you kind of liked my

I thought they were interesting.

Like a cow with a beard is interesting.

They were always a little weird.

You know where to find me if you change your mind.

Mr. Slade, Abner Honeycutt, Star Insider, you are very funny. I'm not

funny. You are so funny. I'm not really so very funny, to tell you the truth.

I'm just... And very modest. I'm not really modest or funny. Self

also. Listen, can I ask you about the lyrics? I mean, where did you get these

songs? They evoke such emotion in me. Are these songs that your mother sang

as a child? No, these are songs that have manifested themselves over a

of experiences, and really, that's really what my music is to me. It's

Like that. Perhaps we could spend some time alone. Maybe after a show, a one

-one, a very in -depth interview. Excuse me. Why don't you call my manager,

Jerry Kaminsky, and maybe we can set something up. Who?

Jerry Kaminsky. Mr.

Slate, do you like lingonberries?

Sure. I'll bake some muffins.

That's nice.

Okay. I'll call.

Mass hysteria rules the earth, Beachwood.

We'll just end in a whirlpool of incognito.

I don't know.

I just brought you cigars.

Mr. Samantha, I swear I'm not trying to be funny.

Oh, Mr. Modest all of a sudden.

Excuse me?

Are you kidding me? This is great. Nobody's taking you seriously.

This is very good for me. See, my particular brand of writing demands a

very low profile.

You understand what I'm saying?

Huh? I mean, I don't want people to take it too seriously. Well, they don't.

No, listen, Matty. You're upset now.

You're an entertainer. So entertain. There's nothing wrong with comedy.

Some of the biggest comedians in the world have done comedy.

Cheer up. Look, Mr. Samantha, I do my job. I do what I get paid for. How I

to it is my business, okay? It's my business. You know, try to give some

a little bit of perspective.

You know?

Yeah. You're doing it wrong.

Now, Laura, get the hell out of my sight.

I just want to be depressed.

Johnny.

Johnny Slade.

How they swinging, brother?

Remember me, Billy? Billy Toole?

Met the other day with the mutual friend, Lloyd Donegan.

Oh, that reminds me. He asked me to give you something.

You sing this tonight, all right? Yeah, you just sing the song the way you do.

Oh, man, I'm flattered, but I'm under strict contract. Hey, listen, I know you

are, but I want you to take a word of advice, okay?

I want you to check out the audience tonight.

You're going to see someone there that I guarantee, when you see him, you're

going to want to sing to him, you know what I mean?

I mean, you're going to want to sing so bad it'll hurt. And I'm so sure of it,

I'm willing to bet this money on it.

Have a good day.

Oh, fuck.

Scotch.

It's on the house.

Can't you sing and then get blasted?

Preferably in that order.

Jesus, you look like you just ate a goat. Yeah, read this. Just read this.

Holy shit.

Johnny, throw this out, you idiot.

Do you have to talk to me like I'm Curly and you're Moe?

I've already decided I'm not going to sing it.

It's the repercussions I'm concerned about.

Well, who wanted you to sing this?

Heard of Lloyd Dunnigan?

Frank calls him his Lex Luthor with hair.

You know, like Frank Superman.

Well, it's a good thing you decided not to sing this in here.

But what the hell's gonna happen when I don't?

I never thought requests could be so dangerous.

You know, I'm just saying it'd be a lot easier. Frank's getting too fancy with

these fucking lyrics.

You sit here half the time trying to decipher this shit, you don't know

going on. Yeah.

I mean, if it was just like, go whack Joe Blow and chop off his fucking head.

Yeah. Right? Yeah. How's that?

Who the fuck is Joe Blow?

I made them up, you fucking moron.

What are these two?

Music lovers.

What the fuck are they?

Red and ginger. Fucking feds.

What do you think?

Can you settle a bet?

Maybe.

I was betting you're the entertainment.

Did I back a winner?

Something tells me you always do.

I'm Johnny Slade.

Who'd you bet against?

Myself. That way I always win.

Something tells me that, too.

All fire, no smoke.

You don't miss a trick.

Maybe I have exactly what you need.

I prefer my own brand.

Would you mind reaching in and digging one out for me?

Do you see it?

Did you get a good look?

You're going to see it later, too.

Like any groupie, I have a request.

I think you can guess what it is.

No, we wouldn't want to see Billy Tool disappointed, would we?

Just, um... Just send it out to Angela.

And don't forget to keep an eye on me during your set.

How can I not?

I can tell by your rather raucous laughter that you're having a good time.

And I really do appreciate that.

You know, because it's all fun, right? It's all in the spirit of fun. I mean,

I... I poke fun at this. I poke fun at that. It's just good nature. So sing

already. I'm getting writer's cramps.

What the fuck? You've got to believe it wasn't me.

Your mom's done enough overtime tonight. They're going to kill me.

Oh, no. We're going to kill you. At least get it right. No, no, no. It was

fucking Billy Tool guy.

What? What the fuck are you talking about? Tone deaf fuck.

What the fuck did you say?

Tone deaf.

The fucking inability to distinguish one tone from another.

Oh, I vehemently disagree, mister. Billy Tool told you to sing that song. Yeah,

some chick with a gun, man. There's no fucking fat ass in the river. I don't

have a fat ass. Yes, you do.

Fuck you, then.

God, I threw my fat ass in the river.

Who's going to sing your boss's instructions then, huh?

What's the matter? You don't want to sing? You want to audition?

How about you? You? You? You simple fuck you? Yeah, go ahead.

You can't fucking touch me.

Especially my vocal cords. Without me, your boss is fucked.

You're all fucked. There is no organization.

There is no organization without me.

Remember that.

Like a fucking monkey.

What?

I understand your situation.

But you do not again talk to my guys in a disrespectful manner.

Yes, Mr. Samantha.

I already told them you're a civilian. Oh, I appreciate that. Shut the fuck up.

An invaluable artistic outlet for me.

From now on, there is a definite hands -off policy in your dealings with me.

and I are in business together.

Go ahead and speak.

I just wanted to apologize. That's not necessary. For what I consider to be a

very, very tasteless and off -color song.

I've never been a racist of any kind my whole life, and I'm very proud of that.

Forget it. As a long -time Italian myself, of Italian heritage, I gotta

you, I was truly ashamed.

I thought it was kind of funny. Excuse me?

I thought it was kind of funny, as crudely drawn satire. I have to admit,

cracked me up a bit.

I mean, what can I say? The ability to laugh at ourselves. You know, humor

What's your problem with humor?

I mean, is there something between humor and you? Some kind of like bad blood or

something? Was your mother run over by a comedian or something like that?

I like humor.

I like a laugh just as much as the next guy, but I don't know. I think it's

overrated, you know?

I sing from the heart.

Oh, fuck that.

Here.

Somebody said once that humor is the best weapon, so we're going to give that

fucking Mick Dunnegan.

A little satirical left jab.

You realize I could be the one he has killed.

It's a chance I'm willing to take.

So now Johnny realizes he's not just a pawn.

As long as he stays on Gene and his good side, he's untouchable. And not only

that, Johnny feels now he can swing his balls around a little bit.

He can improvise and take care of some of his personal business with his songs.

That concludes the talent portion of our show.

I don't mean to imply that...

Johnny Slade has no talent. I don't mean to imply it.

I'm saying it. I mean, I've heard better singing at an animal testing lab.

You know, we're very fortunate to have him exclusive here at the club. I mean,

no one else will. And besides, who wants to put that homeless guy out of work?

You know what I'm talking about? The one who writes his songs? Ladies and

gentlemen, my good pal, Johnny Slade.

Here you go.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you all very much for coming tonight.

The song goes out to Louise and all the girls.

Hey, comedian.

You funny comedian.

How you gonna laugh when you can't smile?

Comedian. You funny comedian.

You shouldn't touch our Charlie. That's just vile.

It's always fun until somebody's hurt.

But you shouldn't put your hands up under her skirt.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You've been really great tonight. You've been

darlings. I'm going to close tonight with something a little special. This

It's for Vicki and all the girls reminding her that they got to use the

tool for the right job, baby.

Got to be the right tool for the right job.

Got to just deserve for the right job.

So you're hailing from the Emerald Isles.

What's an emerald isle? I think Frank is sending us to the Bahamas.

No, fucking dead witch.

Tool. The right tool.

Billy Tool.

Irish. Hello?

Oh,

no. Oh, yeah.

Like a fucking monkey.

What the fuck is brogish?

Brogish? Yeah.

I thought he said Polish.

Brogish, you fucking moron.

Irish talk.

Jews talk Jewish. Irish talk brokish.

What the fuck do we talk? Italian -ish?

Oh,

why am I kissing you? You're like the worst fucking singer I ever heard.

I wanna get laid.

He wants to get laid.

I wanna get laid.

It'll be out of my fucking mind.

I just laid the lumber to Frank Giannini's tomato.

You know what I mean?

Oh, that's really romantic.

How's he gonna find out if you're the only one who could see him?

Lucky me.

Yeah. Lucky you.

That gives you some power.

Power? Mm -hmm.

Oh, what's the matter? You feel bad you can't see him?

Crypt keeper.

Please.

Miserable bastard.

Oh, he does have some good qualities.

About ten million of them.

Ten mil, huh?

Oh, I see.

Oh, so you're gonna grab the doll, you're gonna grab the ten mil and head

South America, live on the lam?

Is that how it goes, huh? Yeah.

And I know where he hid it.

For real?

Yeah.

Is that what you want?

All I wanted to do was sing.

Slate, don't move.

I want a word with you.

Hey, Lou, I... Shut up.

Pretend I'm playing through. We don't see each other.

What's going on, Lou?

Got a little problem.

It concerns you.

Really? What might that be?

You gotta go to him.

You have to ask him for us.

The bodies.

Four of them.

We need to know how's he wanna get rid of them.

What the fuck?

That song.

What?

I never sang that he should be wet. You never sang? Are you fucking crazy?

How are you talking to me like this? There was nothing in that song that...

bodies, for Christ's sakes?

I thought they were just gonna...

Beat him up, that fucking Billy Toole.

Beat him up? You're going to get him after school like men would go get him

the playground?

What the fuck business is it of yours? This is a collaboration, okay?

A collaboration? A collaboration.

You write the lyrics. I write the music, okay? We're like the Rodgers and

Hammerstein of organized crime.

Rodgers and who?

Yeah, they write musicals, all right? If we're going to be this new kind of

songwriting team, I want to know what the fuck... Each song means before I get

into it. You should be happy I'm protecting you, you fucking lounge

keeping you from knowing.

Coffee? Please.

You have to excuse me. I'm a... He called me.

See? The thing is, I hate musicals. I don't know, I just don't like them. All

a sudden, out of nowhere, people just start singing. They just start singing,

wherever they are, whatever they're doing. And I look at them and I say,

the fuck is the matter with you?

I mean, what are you doing? Singing. Singing in public places like it's the

normal thing in the world.

I mean, it gives me this really sick feeling right here.

You slayed.

You're everything I wanted to be.

Here.

I worked up a little number.

See what you think. I don't know. I mean, my guys were never any good at

disposal. No imagination.

Probably shit and bricks. I don't know. I think it's some of my best work.

Not bad, not bad.

I like the imagery. Yeah.

What's that?

Imagery is like when the words make pictures in your mind. Oh, sorry. Yeah,

course. Sure, got it. Imagery. That's good. But this is very, very, very nice

work.

Thanks. See, I was thinking maybe something like this.

For when... Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing?

Nothing. You know, the tune came to me and I thought... Oh, excuse me.

That's my area. But I already got it to him. What does it hurt? You have a gift

for lyrics, okay? But that is my area of expertise, Mr. Samantha. That's my

domain. No, no. Come on. Listen. Just listen.

Four winds scatter to the four winds.

Where the fates will take me, where do I belong?

We need to know how we want to get rid of them. Gather to the four winds At

waist disposal Trying to find a home

Four winds Watching all my dreams crush

All my clever schemes hush Trying to find a home

Four winds

Free of all enslavement.

Living under pavement.

Loving my new home.

Loving my new home.

There he is, our favorite crooner. Johnny Slade. You never miss a show. I

noticed. Could we buy a cup of coffee, maybe? Oh, what a great idea.

Thanks, but I'm in a hurry. Not for us, you're not.

Look, all I did was sing. We know that. We're not after you, Mr. Slade. But you

know who we are after. We would like your cooperation.

Look it, I'm just an artist trying to get by, okay? What are you going to do?

Are you going to put me in harm's way?

Are you going to have me wear a wire? No, we don't want you to wear a wire.

I want to do is sing songs. That's what we want you to do. So just... What?

McDonald and I wrote a little tune.

We know we're just amateurs, but hey.

So's your boss.

I think he'll find this. Now, O'Donnell wrote the lyrics. The melody is mine.

It's kind of an homage. Just let him read it. Just let him read it first. I'm

glad you gave him an idea of what it is. All right, all right. Sing a little.

We'll be here all day.

It's called State's Evidence. Turn yourself around.

State's Evidence. Come in before you're found.

Hoping for a better life. Free of misery.

Help us put your crew behind the bars.

I think they did a fine job, don't you, Johnny? But that's beside the point. We

want to bring Frank in, not hit the charts.

You want me to sing this? That's the preferred method of communication now,

isn't it? Okay.

It's a very, very good song.

I'm pleasantly surprised.

Harmonizing the thirds is a very good choice for a piece like this. How about

the lyrics?

Well, I'm used to the very best right now, so... Your boss is pretty good.

Please. This is where you need a thick skin in this business, and believe me, I

know.

If I sing this song at the club, we're losing the guy's hang on me, every

I don't think... And listen, hey, you know, I could be wrong. I don't think

they're going to take a chance on their boss turning state's evidence and

ratting him out. You know, I think they'll think about it for all of about

seconds, pile into their cars and go throw their boss into a lead diving suit

whatever hell it is that they do.

Why the hell didn't we think of that?

Plus, Mr. Samantha, Frank, he doesn't go to the club. He never goes there.

He would never even hear it anyway.

But there may be a better way.

Mr. Slade, right about now, we are open to any help you can give us.

Any.

Fuck. Well, look who's here.

Johnny, my main man.

Go away, Jerry. I'm busy, all right? Nice office you got here.

I'm glad to see success hasn't gone to your head.

What's that, your will? No, no. This is a new number I'm working on. Let me see.

Why, are you such a fan, Jerry?

Come on, let me see.

Don't need your expertise, Jerry.

Tear it up.

Burn it. Destroy it.

Are you crazy?

Have you lost your mind?

They'll know this isn't from Samantha.

They'll know, and then they'll kill you very hard. No, man.

They won't know.

They won't know. They won't have a clue.

They're like Pablo's dogs. They'll do everything they think, Jerry. It's a

little scary. They're like these puppies with pencils just waiting for a

command. Puppies with pencils?

Puppies with pencils?

Why did I come back?

That's a good question, Jerry. Why did you come back?

For years, Johnny.

For years, I've worried about you.

What, you think I could stop now?

Really?

Plus, it looks like I got us a record deal.

Now your words are starting to resonate.

I'm serious.

Olympian records.

You smelled a buck so you came back.

What do you want from me?

God forbid I should see a dollar and a half of sticking it out with you this

long. You're right, Jerry.

You deserve it. You're right. But I got to do this first, man.

I got to do it.

You do this first. There won't be a second, Johnny.

Do you understand?

Got to do it, man.

You've been hiding.

Hiding? I've been hiding. Why would I be hiding? Hiding is wrong. All right, all

right. Take it easy.

I thought maybe you were wanting it.

Because we what? We did nothing. We didn't do anything. We didn't do

Can I see it?

Now, I don't think that's a good idea. Why not? I'm going to hear it tonight

anyway. What's the difference?

It's the kind of thing that, you know, sounds better than it reads. I see the

friggin' song.

What is this?

What is what? What is this? That's the song! He wrote something like this? Oh,

God. I'm in shock.

I was in shock myself.

Have some cheese. I don't know what this means. What does this mean? What does

this mean? Of course I know what it means. It means what I think it means.

does what mean? Let me sing it with you.

A duet.

Johnny. Johnny Slade, what a nice surprise.

Mike, you didn't come in for your daily, so I'm kind of, you had me worried.

I haven't seen you in ages.

Is everything all right? Yeah, no, everything's good. It's good. I just

my mind. I'm sorry.

Johnny, you know, slip like that and we could all wind up in a suit. You know

what I'm saying? I'll be sure to catch a show tonight.

Hey, that's great. You will? Yeah.

Is that serious or pretend?

No, serious.

I already put all this shit on you. I might as well enjoy my freedom a little

bit, you know. Do you reckon? No, no, not at all.

I just saw him. He's coming here tonight.

What? Who?

Who? Him.

Him. Him?

Him. Here, tonight.

Tonight? Oh, my God.

You know what that means, don't you?

You can't sing.

He'll be pissed and he'll kill you.

All right, all right, relax. It's not that bad. What are you shitting me?

Oh, I know. You think if he sees me up there singing, he's going to blame you

and say it's all your fault? Yeah. Then you will. Yeah, so here's the thing.

Listen to me, listen to me.

It's important for us.

We got to keep Frank out of here. Wouldn't you say? Let's keep him out.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I feel like you really do want me to hang with you.

Yeah, I do.

Would you look at this crowd?

Would you look?

They would have ate us up. All right, McDonald.

Let's just shine in our chosen area of law enforcement, shall we? Law

enforcement. Doop it.

I got it.

How'd you recognize me? I thought it was pretty good. Never mind. It's not safe.

What do you mean it isn't safe? I can't even hear Johnny sing.

The place is lousy with feds. They must have got a tip.

Feds, huh?

Yes, that's pretty bad. You know, I really want to hear my song, though. I

get to hear my songs, Charlie.

I mean, you don't know what that means to me. You know what it means to the

creative mind.

Frank, it's feds.

All right, did you get to hear him rehearse? No, I didn't hear him, but I'm

it's lovely. You're going to be proud. You know, let me do it. What's the worst

that could happen? Get the hell out of here. Feds, Frank, feds. All right,

feds. You know, it pisses me off. The government should be funding the arts,

throwing roadblocks up the... And now,

here's a person I have the greatest respect for, a terrific talent and a

beautiful human being, my brother...

Mr. Johnny Slade.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you all so very much. You know, I've been having a

great time playing this play. It's all been so wonderful.

Hey, thank you.

This next tune goes out to Donnie Marie.

At the bar.

She's so beautiful.

the heat inside her purse.

Will she shoot me with a glance or make it permanent?

So long, sweetie.

See you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Tonight I want to wrap it up with something very special.

This goes out to Lou.

Alan, Steph, and Vicki, the greatest crew a guy ever had.

Give it up.

A time to give it up.

An hourglass knitting pen.

A time to fold your hand.

We walk through Through the door

It's time to get the score

You sure we said give it up, not live it up?

I am not taking it in the ass.

Like a fucking monkey.

How could this have happened?

How could my lyrics be so misinterpreted? You know, usually, no,

always. I'm dead on.

Everything. Count it out to the letter. So how does fence a shipment of furs

turn into give yourselves up and ride out your bosses?

Yeah, it's boggling. Isn't it fucking boggling? Fucking boggled. Did you say

furs? Yeah, I said furs. F -U -R -S. Yeah, F -U -R -S.

You sure it couldn't have been maybe like something like, you know, confess

slurs? Confess your slurs. I know, I'm grasping. That would be so... You got

good diction. It's stupid as fucking crew, I swear. Well, except that Victor.

No mention to him. Victor.

Not a member of the crew, per se.

I'm a special kind of soldier.

Smart guy, a little fucking whacked in the head. But I guess he's the only one

who understood the song. Apparently.

What's this?

A song for tonight.

A song?

Who do I make the dedication to?

Send it out to charity.

They'll know who they are.

Well, for crying out loud, if it isn't my friend Victor, the Johnny Slave. Like

the proverbial bad penny.

I swear, you still look like a hitman.

What a coincidence, Mr. Tully.

I just happened to be passing by when I was struck with an overwhelming thirst.

Irish bar, Irish neighborhood.

One cannot predict where thirst will strike. I mean, you're a fish out of

I am a horse without a jockey, a camel without an arab, a soldier without a

general. You sound disgruntled.

Perhaps management is the cause of your stress. They are often to blame.

What you need is guidance in Guinness. Let's be practical, friend. What I need

is a job.

Man cannot live on hate alone.

My employer bears you no ill will.

He only has eyes for Frank Giannini. A betrayer of his people.

I have a vexing feeling about him myself.

Would that I were privy to his whereabouts. I think I can say this in

confidence.

That Mr. Dunigan would be...

Forever in the debt of anyone who might help him locate the elusive Mr. G.

I think I will have a Guinness.

So, now everybody's looking for Frank.

And his new song is a message setting up a meeting for Charlie for them to meet

the next day.

Holy shit.

He's gonna whack her?

He's not gonna whack his tornado, you stupid bastard.

He's gonna get her. His 10 million clams, he's gonna hit the bricks for

I guess it ain't the end of the world.

He's still got his kneecaps on.

The thing is, Johnny doesn't see it that way. See?

Being the romantic fuck that he is, he's got a bigger problem.

Because if he sings the song, it's bye -bye to Charlie.

And if he doesn't, he's going to have to deal with Frank.

My manager tells me we're on the verge of signing a deal with Olympian Records.

What do you got, 20 years to live? One thing I've worked for my whole life,

busted my ass for it.

Who cares? And I'm going to throw it all away for a chick. Does this make any

sense, Beachwood? I mean, what is your real name anyway?

Shemp died in the backseat of a car, smoking a cigar.

I'm all empty inside.

I have chest pains. This one's a code. He's going to meet her and they're

off. That's it, man.

I'm never going to see her again.

Change the time. Change the time.

What? Change the time. What do you mean?

The song.

Change the time.

The song goes out to charity.

On the surface, things are always so much better. On the surface, like a

comfortable sweater.

If you follow to the letter, just like an Irish setter, we'll meet our destiny

at 8 a .m.

If you look below the lining of every silver cloud, then we'll pave the way

our... How do you think that? On the surface, pave the way. It's Frank's

company. I hope you're right, Victor. By this time...

I read music pretty good.

Charlie?

Charlie, it's Johnny.

Charlie? Oh, my God, oh, my God, it's Charlie Slade. How cool is that?

Sorry, lover.

Where's Charlie? She's right here, Slade.

Where's Frank?

And if you don't mind me asking, what the fuck are you doing here? If you

mind me asking, what the fuck are you doing here? I came to take you away with

me. What? Are you completely insane?

If you don't mind, we'll ask the question. Would you shut up a minute,

I was trying to make this happily ever after thing happen, you know? Happily

ever... Sometimes you are such a moron.

I was being romantic, you dumb broad. Could you two shut the fuck up? Just a

minute!

You mean you wrote that song? Of course I wrote it. What do you think I'm doing

here? Can somebody fucking tell us where Frank is?

All we want is Frank.

He's not coming.

I tricked everybody.

Oh, you surely did, didn't he, Victor?

Don't go there, Tully.

What'd you do? I changed the time.

That's it? And you take credit for the whole song?

Frank and I are a team, all right? We are the greatest songwriting team since

Rodgers and Hammerstein. He changes the time, and he takes all the credit. Oh,

baby, you know, there's the lyricist, and then you got the composer arranger.

Never mind the fucking music lesson. What time was he supposed to come? Must

expose her innermost thought? There's $10 million here.

Where? It's hidden.

All right, you let it go, and I'll show you where it is. Otherwise, you're not

going to find it. Collie, let's split this and forget the whole Frank thing.

Right now, that's the only thing that's going to save this miserable fucking

day. Up you go with Angela. If you don't return with $10 million, we shoot

Charlie.

Come on, come on, come on.

Sit.

I knew it.

I knew you'd get the fucking time wrong.

It's a good thing you did with this trap plan.

You saved my life, kid.

You believe I don't keep a gun here unless you've got it in this fucking

Here, take this.

What? I never use a gun.

It's either this or the putter.

That's your share, Victor.

Listen.

What you did, I... I did think it was romantic.

Put up your putter, Frank.

Romantic? Well, you got a funny way of showing it.

I was just trying to distract myself.

You really shot that guy good.

I mean, you know, you really, you capped him, as they say, huh?

Rock it, boy. Rock it, asshole.

Clay, what the hell's going on?

Just a little plan I had. Just forgot to tell us? Yeah, just forgot to tell you.

Johnny, Johnny, what the hell are you doing here? I studied every lyric and

gleaned exactly what the song was saying. Johnny Slade, this is Rebecca

Olympian Records.

Johnny, I caught your set a few nights ago, and I have to tell you, I just

it. Thank you.

And that duet was just lovely, really gorgeous.

Duet? In some ways, it was just being really loud. You had one group of men in

tears. And not the kind of group of men you'd expect either.

What sort of life do you have?

I hate to ask, but do you folks think you could move your meeting over just a

bit so we could tend to the bodies?

Sorry. Frank, where do you think you're going?

We're signing a record deal over here. It's important, please.

Rebecca, this is Frank Giannini, Johnny's collaborator, and a really

A pleasure to meet you.

Likewise. Who's this fuckhead? He sells used cars.

Oh, you. Always kidding.

Jerry Kaminsky, Mr. Giannini, and it's a real pleasure to meet such raw talent.

All right.

Come on.

Let's go, Frank.

Have a word with Charlie first.

One minute.

Mr. James? Can we just sing a little bit of a song that we've written for you?

Go ahead.

It's called Stay Down.

It might be 99 years.

You might not want to wait.

You might want to do your own thing.

No, no, no, no. I don't know.

Put the melody.

She's a little nervous. I'll give you my car.

Thanks,

Frank.

Take flight, little bird.

We've got

a lot of work to do. A lot of

albums to fill. I want those fucking creative juices flowing.

You got a lot of fucking balls, know that?

So you see, Sammy?

Now you know why Johnny Slade's got to be on this list.

What do you think? You're talking to a little girl with a bedtime story?

Why are you guys breaking my balls?

Search yourself a little, Susie. I think he's got to be on the list. He's on the

list. Three or something.

Is that below Bennett?

Below Bennett? Of course.

Are you kidding me? Enough with this list. Wait, wait, wait. I made up the

I make up the list.

It's Frank Sinatra, Tony Bennett. Frank, I'm not trying to be a prick, man, but

the new tune just ain't doing it for me. You know, it just doesn't grab me. It's

too on the nose, you know what I'm saying?

That's weird.

No, man, it's too literal, man, you know what I'm saying?

It fucks with my music. Let me ask you something, Slick. Go ahead. Whatever

happened to, I do the lyrics, you do the music. What, you're an expert now? No,

no, no, Frank, I'm down with that arrangement. Down? You're down? Yeah,

that's fine arrangement.

That's worked out in the past, and I'm sure it'll continue to work out.

What's the problem? I'm just saying, I think this new tune, this new tune is

just a little too literal.

Literal? Shade and color. Color. You want some kind of color, right? Yeah.

red would be nice, wouldn't it?

Frankie, baby, chill. Frankie, baby, let me tell you something, Slade. You are

downright fucking lucky. My crew's still up in the fucking woods.

Is this how songwriters are going to work together?

You're going to threaten me, Frank?

Together? Yeah.

Yeah. Like a fucking monkey.

All the Vegas cats think they...

If they only knew they're missing being Johnny Slade

All the Vegas girls they're just cooling in the shade

Thankful for his pastime of being Johnny Slade

If they have the golden rule it's to be nobody's fool

Does it better be in Johnny's place?

And if they do misunderstand him, they're just trying to make the grade.

Even though they know they're flunking, I'll be in Johnny's place.

And we cannot blame those crowds begging him to sing a few.

We understand they're only human and they can't get enough.

Oh, it's a nice to pop a cherry on the top of your cake.

It's a nice to give your little glass of milk a shake.

I want to squirt whipped cream all over your Sunday heart, my dear.

Just step up to the soda fountain of love.

I'm so happy just to have you come and sit on my stool.

And every time I think of serving you a soda, it makes me drool.

I will always be your precious soda jerk, my love.

Just step up to the soda fountain of love.

Will I fall in your trap if you press on my tap?

I am just another sap who can't run.

Will you put me through hoops if I taste your double scoops?

Or will you call off the groups and have some fun?

Though it's impossible to reach over the counter from where you sit, I

will always give to you a chance to make my bananas split.

No one says we have to play by the rules, my dear.

Just step up to, yeah, step up to, step up to this little fountain star.