Original subtitles

Cool it. Here comes teacher.

All right, men. The griping lamp is out.

Now, while it skips away, you left me in charge.

I told me to keep an eye on you boys.

So... So this is what

I intend to do.

Now, uh, I know that you men are disappointed about not getting the

mission to Brisbane.

Enemy off port bound, closing fast.

Let's fall in over here.

All right, men, let's fall.

in their dress uniforms.

What is this? We just wanted to see our beloved commanding officer off to

Australia.

Aloha. I'll knock it off.

Carpenter, quit dropping my luggage on the dock and get it on board. Move,

Now, you get these eight balls of yours out of their party things, and you get

them busy scrubbing down that tub of yours before I sell it to the Japanese

scrap metal.

Oh, well, I resent that, sir. You see, as an American citizen and taxpayer, you

can't just... I can't. I'm a captain. I can do anything I please.

Oh, you can't? Say, well, maybe you could help me get this off, then.

Well, yes. How did you get a thing like that? Oh, I was walking along the dock.

Oh, shut up, walking along the dock. All I want to hear from you is when I say

jump, you say how high.

Captain! Captain!

Shut up, Carpenter. I'm busy here.

Captain, I'm going down, sir.

I'm sinking, sir.

Sir. Quick, quick, sir. It's sinking.

It's sinking, sir. It's another sneak attack.

It's another Pearl Harbor, sir. Well, don't just stand there, you dunce. Get

luggage off of the ship. Yes, sir. Hurry up. Get my luggage off of there. Hey,

boy, I wonder what could have caused that.

Hurry up, hurry up. Give me the big one. Here's another one, sir. No, not that.

Call me the one with my monogram.

Poogee.

You mean he's a woman? Shh.

Don't get these things wet. Well, that was close.

You almost lost me that time. What kind of a naval officer are you? You get back

on there and go down. But, sir, I'm too young.

Get on there. Didn't you ever see any movies?

I know that you and your band of saboteurs are at the bottom of this, of

dastardly deeds.

Do you know that my luggage even got wet?

Imagine sinking the 116 just so I'd have to take your garbage scow to Brisbane.

Oh, but, sir, actually... Well, it's not going to work, you understand?

You may fall in. Fall in!

Share an attention there.

Share an attention.

Don't think you're running this show, do you? Well, I'll show you who's running

the show. I wouldn't take the 73 to Brisbane.

It was the last boat of the Navy. You understand that? I won't! I won't! I

won't!

I had to take the 73.

But you and your band of high school dropouts, you're not going to take one

off of this boat. You read me? Not one step. Well... Shut up.

Say anything to me about being an American taxpayer, I'll throw you to the

minnows. Carpenter, take her in.

My job. What, what, what, what?

Well,

I tell you, those Aussies aren't going to get away with this. We ought to have

priority over that Russian ship.

Here we are out here in the middle of the bay, and I've got to climb over that

thing to get on the dock for heaven's sake. But, sir, there's not much we can

about it. The harbormaster said there isn't any docking space left.

They know that I am here for a top -level staff conference. This is the

fouled -up thing that I've ever seen in my life. Could you get a little closer

together?

Nice big smile. Wait a minute.

Get away from me, you birdbrainer.

Uh, Captain, you got a bulb in your mouth.

Hey, that's mine.

Oh, boy, now you make me waste a picture.

Oh, wait a minute.

I'm talking to him now. You don't want to be late for that staff meeting. Oh,

no, no, hurry up there. Captain's on your shore. Will you send a ladder down,

please? Da, he's coming.

This is the most ridiculous thing that's ever happened to me. I've got to crawl

over a ship to get on the dock.

Right. Okay, let's pull out.

any pictures of me going up the ladder, either.

Oh, my goodness.

This is an insult.

You Bolsheviks, you watch it.

I'm a naval officer. I'm not a trapezer. Want me to go up first there and show

you how it's done?

Just get away from the ladder. Get away from it. You're not going anyplace.

You're not going anyplace at all. You thought you put a fast one over me,

you? Well, you know it's not going to work, I want to tell you that, because,

well, this boat is in port. You are restricted to it. Oh, come on, Captain.

us a break. We can't do this. It doesn't count.

Knock it off.

I'm going to have the MPs check this shipwreck. Get that thing out of my

told you. Yes, sir, yes, sir. And if any of these men get loose, I don't want

nothing in my face, nothing in the face at all. Right, sir, yes, sir. If any of

them get loose, it's the rope for you. Right. All right, let me give you a leg

up, sir. Thank you. All right, boys.

but you can't do that. That's against naval regulations.

Article 27, I think it's paragraph B. He's right, sir. I'll give you your

articles and your paragraphs.

I'll give you a rope, you nitwit. You don't like those stupid navy regulations

so well? Then you go below and you copy them 100 times and don't you leave out a

comma. Do you read me, mister?

Now get out of my sight.

I'll back again.

I'll give you a rope. Do you want me to give you another leg up? I'll give you a

fist up your nose. Just get away from me. Turn around.

my flanks, all right? Yes, sir.

Give me that.

Ha -ha.

Well,

there goes the warden. What a bum rap.

Great Liberty Town, and we're stuck on this scowl. Yeah, we'd have more fun if

we were prisoners of war.

Somebody call me?

Foochie, are you not stowing away? What a crazy thing to do.

Afraid you guys forget me.

Send me their Fuji letter.

Now, Fuji, what made you think a silly thing like that? We wouldn't dump your

food. You're the best Japanese prisoner anybody ever had.

Hello down there.

Thank you.

Hiya, boys. What's cooking?

Office is gone. We are coming down to talk.

And watch with the bag, comrade.

We got problem.

NKVD commissar's coming to inspect boat.

We got to hide the loot so he don't find it. Well, that has a familiar ring.

What kind of loot you got, mate?

Australian whiskey.

Nothing illegal about this stuff.

What's your problem, bubbler?

It's not made in Russia.

We get 25 years in the salt mines. We get caught smuggling non -communist

25 years?

No wonder you guys are on a vodka diet.

We hate vodka. We can't stand vodka.

Will you hide whiskey, stinker, dah?

Tinker, dah. Well, it's a little risky, but after all, we're comrades in arms.

Okay, we'll stash the loop at the usual storage fee of, say, 50%. Oh, thank you,

stinker. Thank you, thank you. You know, you very nice capitalist.

But what can we ever do to repay you?

Uh, we were just coming to that, Tavares.

Now, here's what we had in mind.

Uh, come in.

How's it going?

Oh, uh, pretty good. I'm down to Article 59, Paragraph C, uh, Subparagraph B.

Oh, boy, this is going to take me days. Well, the boys and I would like to help

you. Oh, but that would be the thought.

Sir, would you mind working as quietly as possible? You see the boys would like

to take a little snooze.

Oh, sure.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I'll try to work as quiet as possible.

Thank you very much, sir. And happy scribbling? We ought

to send a picture of this to our

draft board.

You complaining?

Boy, this set revolution back ten years.

All right!

Now, listen, Thomas R. Parker probably won't come snooping around, but if he

does, make sure that you're in the bunks and under the blanket. Let's go, boy

chick!

Now,

as

I was saying, General Harkness, during this action, our main task force will

approach from the southeast at the same time as our destroyers move in from the

west through...

sandpiper passage, and to cover their flanks, our PT boats will then spread

and keep the enemy task force off balance and set them up for your Air

bombers on Topagi.

Between the two of us, we should sting them good.

Splendid. I approve 100%. Well, that does it.

Now, before we shove off, let's all have a shot of java.

I was wondering, could I have nonfat milk? I'm on a... What are you doing?

down on it.

these charts and take off at the party and we'll meet you there.

So that's what it looks like.

Sorry you won't be here to meet my son Wilbur, Admiral. He's flying in from

Honolulu today.

Oh, good.

Yes, he's a navigator.

First lieutenant in the Air Corps.

You know, working his way up through the ranks.

Oh, he's a fine looking boy, General.

Binghamton, I told you to take off at the pocket. Now get out of here and

you say another word.

He is a fine -looking boy, General. I said that, Admiral.

You get out of here!

Got everything, Admiral?

Oh, yes, sir.

This is the worst case of writer's cramp I ever had.

Well.

I better get a hammer.

Can I help you, Pagasan?

Oh, hi, Fuji. Yeah, see if you can get that thing loose, will you? Let me try.

I've been writing these regulations.

Fuji! I mean, Fuji.

What are you doing here?

Trying to get the pencil loose. Oh, thanks. No, no, I mean, what are you

here? You're supposed to be back at the base.

Boy, if you ever get caught, are you in big trouble.

Oy vey!

Show up on the road!

All right, everybody keep cool. I mean, keep cool.

Better hide.

Better hide.

Take an order.

Hi.

Oh, hi, fellas.

You just passing by?

Yeah, you're not. Well, here you go.

It's all clear in the end of the dock. Just keep up.

Better take your rope with you. All right, cut that out!

Cut it out. Right.

I'll tie you up.

Here you go. Oh, Ensign Parker, Executive Officer of the 73 Reporting

Oh, boy, sorry about that. I've been writing these darn regulations, and the

pencil got stuck in... Captain Bingham told me to drop by and make

sure nobody's playing hooky.

Oh, well, now, you just tell Captain Fuji that, I mean, Binghamton, that

nothing to worry about here. See, my boys are all down there bunk getting a

little sack time.

You know what they say, early to bed gets a worm, they say.

Wait a minute, they don't say that. Say, you get away. Hey, wait a minute.

Hey, now, listen.

Don't wake my boys up. Boy, they're going to be grouchy all day if you do.

I told you everything, sheep shot.

Ship, it's in, looks good, doesn't it?

Boy,

Marines don't smile much, do you?

Sorry, fellas, to get you out.

Now, look, Captain, aren't you a little ashamed of yourself? I told you they

were... Downstairs.

Excuse me.

Now, just a minute.

Sorry to get you up, fellas.

We got him.

We got him up.

Tinker.

Well, uh...

one of the temporary things. Very fine. Hold it.

You men will fall out when I tell you to. Get it?

Duh.

Duh. Duh?

You mean, uh, duh, duh?

Duh. Duh. Ah.

Well, add noise. Add noise. Yeah. Well, if you'd have gone on sick call like I

told you this morning, sailor. Here, you better use my hanky.

How this bunch of weirdos ever got in the Navy, I'll never know.

We've got to change those recruiting posters.

Well, all six of them are here.

Let's get off this floating booby hatch.

Right.

Yeah, well, gung -ho, boys, and send prayer for Daedalus, and give my regards

the Hall of Montezuma.

Oh, yeah.

There you go.

guy, Porker, you know. You save us from Cossacks.

Look,

fellas, don't you think you better be getting back to your own

boat? We had a close one there.

Well,

look, fellas, I hate to spoil your fun, but you see, I don't drink. Not on duty,

anyway. As a matter of fact, I don't drink off duty.

Oh, I take a little elderberry wine once in a while off my stomach.

But normally, I don't... You don't want to drink the great American ski

president? What are you, some kind troublemaker?

A counter -revolutionary, maybe?

Oh, no. No, no, wait a minute. No, I don't want any trouble. No, as a matter

fact, you see, I was a Boy Scout. Yeah, we had an oath and everything. And we

were all doing our part to hold together... Well, we're all here. I got

little... Cheerskies. Well, I mean, after all, it's a...

Stalin.

Hey,

to President Roosevelt.

To Stalin.

Oh, well, you see, I hardly know the man. I mean, I've seen pictures of him,

for you to walk right on the boat right now, I wouldn't, I mean, you know, I

know he had the, uh, Stalin.

Water. Water.

Sure. To water.

To water.

Oh,

your water. I'm going to get some water.

Not here. He go to town with Russians for more whiskey. What's a town, huh?

Murder.

Didn't even toast your heater.

Oh, brother. Hey, you guys help me get out of this comic uniform and I'll go

find our answer. Okay.

Beats me how they're beating us.

I gotta get this man to a handball tournament. Oh, you better sign in.

I told you he was signing in.

Come on, Mr. Parker.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on.

I'm going to get some air.

Come on, Mr. Parker, will you please come out?

Why don't you get in there? It's a small room.

I'll be all right if I get a little air. I'm going to give you a little shower,

Mr. Parker.

Come on, stay there. Here, hold on a minute. Yeah, stay there.

Don't move.

He's calling from the shower.

Get out of here.

Army people have no manners at all.

We've got to get out of here. That's Redbottom. Come on.

Follow me.

We're looking for Russian naval officers.

Did they come in here?

Russian naval officers?

Get out of here. Come on. Why do you keep moving so much?

The customer has better eyes than this.

I'm going to get you some clothes.

Oh.

Come on, Mr. Parker. Straighten up, will you?

Come on.

Don't walk.

Don't stand up. Will you?

Now, Parker, will you please stand up?

Steve, that's mine. That's my uniform. Wait a minute. That's my uniform.

Now, don't you try and con me.

Don't get smart. I'm carrying a gun here.

Well, that's my uniform. I happen to just have it, Chris. It's my uniform.

Ivan, I caught you red -handed. Now, wait a minute. That's my uniform. That's

uniform.

I'm not in the military.

It's my uniform.

I'm not in the military.

Hold!

You're under arrest.

That's the first spy I ever bagged.

Off to the salt mines with him. Thank you, comrade.

You're welcome. Thank you, you're very nice.

Good to see you.

I'll pull that off.

Taxi! Taxi!

Taxi!

Go over here, Mr. Parker.

Come on.

You wait right here. I'm going to go get us a taxi.

Now, don't move.

Okay. All I had to pull.

Oh, boy, am I full.

Captain,

I'm back. I picked up those maps we left.

Oh, sir, just look at you, all freshened up.

Not a drop of ink left. Good old sir. I told you that they could take those ink

spots out. Stop babbling. Stop babbling. When you were out goofing off, I was

busy. I was nabbing a Russian spy.

Oh, sir. How about that? Knocked him out with one blow. Whammo.

Knocked him out? Bravo, sir. Bravo.

Stop being a phony. Try to tell me he's an American. An American? Yeah, I ought

to know an American when I see one. I certainly commanded enough fighting

American boys.

Would you watch what you're called? What are you doing, you ninny?

The way to treat a hero?

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, sir. Oh, and you are a hero.

Sir, it will be an honor just to walk in your shadow. I know it. I don't get

sickening about it. I've got to get over to headquarters and tell Hammerhead

Harkness about this spy business.

There ought to be a medal in this for me, eh?

Oh, yes, sir.

Oh, sir, we almost forgot this. You wouldn't want to read it. No, that's not

mine. As a matter of fact, that's what I clobbered.

But sir, it says Lieutenant Wilbur Harkness.

Isn't that the general's son? Yes, yes, I gave him a good one.

Why would you say a thing like that? Isn't that the general's son? I mean,

could that? There was only two people in here. I was in here, and the Russian

spy was in here.

There wasn't any general's son in here. There wasn't any Lieutenant Wilbur...

What is it?

I mean, how was I to know? You look like a Russian spy. You're not a Russian

thing with the Russian doll or the Russian everywhere.

Sir, what are you trying to say? The man, the man that I turned over to the

Russian secret police.

Who? Him.

Him? You didn't. I did. Don't spread it around. We'll get him back.

Christopher! Christopher, Mr. Christopher!

This is your captain speaking. Just a minute there.

Did you see two NKVD officers carrying a man in a Russian uniform?

Well, no, sir, but you haven't seen Mr. Parker, have you? Mr. Parker? Why would

I see that dingbat? He's back on the ship with the rest of you people.

Those Ruskies couldn't have gotten too far with him.

Ruskies? Captain, I left Mr. Parker leaning right against this lamppost, and

when I got back, all I found was his hat. That's not his hat. That's an Air

Force hat. Don't you know anything? Sir, look. Look who it belongs to. What does

it belong to?

Lieutenant Wilbur, how do you... A partner. I know. Does everything you

have that boy's name on it?

Oh, the poor boy.

He said somebody tried to swipe his uniform.

What did you do with the rest of his uniform? What did you do with the rest

his uniform? Sir, the reason, Mr. Parker. I don't know. I don't think

lies.

I've got to find that boy before they ship him to Siberia.

How about this?

How about they take him with that Russian tanker?

Let's go. Out of the dock. Out of the dock. Sir, what about Mr.

Parker? I'll shoot him later. You with him.

Come on. Come on.

That's the most dastardly thing I've ever heard of. Changing uniforms with

general's son. I don't mean changing. Sir, sir, no. The ship. It's gone.

The ship.

See that?

How'd you work?

All right, you bandits. What did you do with the Russian ship?

You sold it, right? The boat pulled out half an hour ago, Captain. Right after

two NKVD fuzz carried that rescue officer aboard.

Sir, he must have been in a fight. He was out cold.

Rescue officer?

They've shanghaied Wilbur. Look, Captain, can we please go back and try

Mr. Parker?

Oh, no, you don't.

Really got you goons nailed this time.

Deserting your ship, impersonating Russian sailors.

Stealing Air Force officers' uniforms.

Just a minute, sir. Excuse me, Kirk. I better jot this down, huh?

Good idea, Elroy. We don't want to forget any of these goodies at the court

martial. All right, sir. Let's start from the beginning, now. Now, you

Lieutenant Wilbur Harkness for a Russian spy and knocked him out.

Then you turned him over to two NKVD agents, and they... I don't want that

of it. I don't want that part.

Oh, don't worry, Captain.

When we testify at the court martial, we'll tell them all the facts, right?

The whole truth and nothing but the truth. On our honor.

What is with everybody?

Are you testing the weather? Trying to storm here? What is this everybody? I

don't understand.

And you, you're the last one I would imagine.

For heaven's sakes, boys.

I mean, we've got to stick together. We're shipmates, and shipmates do stick

together. It's one for all and all for one. Is that right, Elroy? Oh, yes, sir.

We're just one big happy family.

I'm happy, Elroy.

Okay,

Dad.

Now can we go round up, Mr. Parker?

Oh, now you want to go... Can't you forget that dodo? Now, the important

is that we get Wilbur off of that Russian ship.

Right? Now, battle stations, lads. Scoot, scoot. Captain, we want to get

Parker. Boys, boys, do I smell a mutiny here. Scoot, boys, scoot.

Hey, is that Hammerhead Hark? He's not one of us. Oh.

You still here, Binghamton?

You should be halfway to Tupagi by now.

Well, we would have been, General, but we ran into a little problem.

Shall I show him my notes, sir? Yeah, show him your notes.

Never mind your problems. I have problems of my own.

My son's plane arrived over three hours ago. I still haven't heard from him.

Oh, it's three hours, and he hadn't... Oh, well, what a shame, General.

Yeah, well, that's not your worry. You just get to Tupagi.

Now, shove off!

Baker, her dog all hatches, engines full.

I was dead.

and report in. When I get back, we'll take off after that Russian ship.

Now, Elroy, the important thing is we don't panic. This is no time to lose our

heads. There's no place in this situation or any kind of hysteria.

Captain Binghamton, Sergeant Vogel, I'm here to drive you to the Adjutant's

office. Oh, you are?

Oh, good, good.

It's going to drive us to the adjutant's office, Elroy.

We've got to hurry, sir. We've got to stop off at the airstrip. Your liaison

officer just flew in from Brisbane.

Well, you pick him up later. I don't have time for a side trip.

All right, sir. My orders are to rush Lieutenant Harkness to headquarters.

Harkness?

Wilbur Harkness?

Do you know him? Yes. No.

No. He knows him. I don't know him. Captain, we can't keep Lieutenant

waiting. He's a VIP. His dad's a general.

I know, I know.

We've got to go.

Yes, yes, you're right.

Sooner or later, we've all got to go.

Darn it, they must have gotten off already.

There must be an operation.

They're announcing a chance for a getaway.

Are you a coward?

You're right.

It's a deserted island around here, so... Where does this thing start?

Tim and Harker still have a shot.

Dirk, look!

What?

Harker?

What are you doing here in that uniform?

Oh, hi, Captain.

Hi, Carpy.

Hey, what did you guys do to the base? I hardly recognize you. Yeah, what did we

do to the base?

Hello there, Major.

Hello. I'll take them off your hands, then. Good luck.

Boy, this guy must have really hung one on.

He's been a never -never land since the MPs dumped him on the plane.

So long, Harkness.

He didn't never, never... You bobblehead, why didn't you stay lost?

They must think he's Lieutenant Harkness.

Lieutenant Hookness? I'm not sure if they ever catch him in his airport

We'll all be... I think we are.

Gentlemen, I'm Colonel Platt, commander of the base.

I'm Captain Binghamton. Oh, and I'm... I'm Lieutenant Carpenter, sir. And I'm

Lieutenant Harkness. Harkness.

You're not Lieutenant Harkness.

I'm not?

No, no, no, just a second, Colonel. Take off those bars. Oh, I will, I will. As

a matter of fact, you can have the jacket back. No, Colonel, I... You are

Captain Harkness.

Captain? Yes, sir.

Here,

put the other one on your own self.

Congratulations, Captain.

Your promotion came through right after you left Hickam Field. Your dad is proud

enough to pop his button, is he?

Yes, I talked to him on the scrambler phone in Brisbane.

My dad's in Brisbane?

Well, then who's watching the hardware store?

Yes, who's watching them?

Can you imagine a general watching a hardware store?

Yeah, it does seem a little incongruous, doesn't it?

Boy, he's always with the jokes.

Isn't that right, Wilbur?

Well, you'll have to excuse us, gentlemen.

Come along, Captain Wilbur. I'll take you to your office.

There she is.

There's old faithful.

Teddy, here she goes.

Up you go. There, there, boy.

Uh, gentlemen.

Drive on, Sergeant.

Oh, well, I fouled up.

I can just scream.

Me too, sir.

Shut up. I'll do all the screaming around here.

Work it, Wilbur B.

Work, work, work, work.

You know as well as I do that I don't belong here.

Those secret police have made a terrible mistake.

So secret police make mistakes. So who's going to tell them? Not me, Boobie.

I end up looking like this.

You're the only one in this tub that understands English.

Now, I want you to go up there and tell that captain that my dad is General

Harkness.

And if he doesn't let me off this ship, it could mean war.

How did he tell the captain?

Old Borschtbottom say you gonna get off next stop.

Next stop?

Next stop? Why did you say so?

Where's the next stop?

Vladivostok.

Vladivostok?

Let me off! Let me off!

Dad! Dad!

Come back!

Come back!

Oh, this is not so much fun as pork.

Oh.

Oh.

You sure got a beautiful hangover, Wilbur boy. I hope she was worth it. Oh,

Oh, no, no. I wasn't out with a girl. I was out with a couple of the fellas.

A couple of the fellas.

You sure are a kidder, ain't you?

Yeah.

I've heard all about you and the ladies, you sly old dog, you. Come on, come on.

I've been trying to locate you.

Colonel Byland is waiting in your office.

Oh, good.

Bye, Sergeant.

Sergeant, this is Captain Hartnett, our new adjutant.

You show him to his office, will you?

Yes, sir.

There we go.

Wilbur, I'll check with you later. You be good.

And if you can't be good... Hi.

Oh, uh...

Hello.

I've heard a lot about you.

Oh, you have? Well, you have?

Only you don't look a bit like what I expected, but who cares?

Oh, my.

This is going to be a swinging war.

Well, look, if you're busy, I can come back any time. Aren't you the most?

Your office captain is right this way.

Here we are.

Killer. If you want me for some close -order drill, I'm Sergeant Madge

Serial number 38 -22 -33.

I'll notify you.

Small door.

Uh, as you were.

Bye -bye.

Captain Harkness? Oh, uh, yes, yes. I'll get him. Just... Oh, yes. Corporal

Smith reporting.

Oh.

Wait a minute. What kind of salute was that? Here's that phony engagement ring

you gave my sister in Honolulu.

Oh.

What do you mean? Well, I... She sent it to me after she found out she was only

number four on your engagement list.

You... You bluebeard!

Bluebeard. Now, wait a minute. It's just that I haven't had time to shave.

Now, look, let's get something straight here.

I'm not engaged to anybody.

Look, see? It isn't even my size.

I'm just an ordinary old wallflower. Honest to my dances, I hardly... Don't

any of that boyish charm on me, Captain.

You may think you're heaven... gift to women, but you don't turn me on.

Well, I wasn't trying to turn you on.

I don't even know where your handles are.

Now, look.

I didn't want to be your secretary. I am just following orders.

I joined the army to fight for my country, not my honor, so no funny

buster. Oh, the name is Wilbur.

Nice meeting you.

Sergeant,

where is that captain, Captain Hartman?

He's in the adjutant's office, sir.

Oh, oh, oh.

Elroy, get your hands off that soldier.

Captain Hartman?

All right, keep your eyes open. We're in enemy territory here.

Parker?

Parker?

Parker?

Parker, what are you doing out of there? Have you been drinking again?

No, no, it's the wax.

They're after me. Oh, boy, you've got to get me out of this uniform before it's

too late. It's already too late, you dingbat. The minute you let the colonel

you, you'll ruin everything.

Now you're a captain and I'm a dead duck.

You'll ruin me, do you understand that? You'll ruin me, ruin me, ruin me.

Your sister, too.

What does she mean by that? I'm an only child.

Forget him. Get me into this. You pig brain, you dodo, you... Your accident?

I was going to tell you about that when he got through choking me.

Oh, this is terrible.

That's just why... They'll get wise to you in two seconds. It takes brains to

handle a desk job. Well, that's why I thought maybe you could give me some

hints. You know, how you kept up and finding out about you.

About me?

Oh, well, you see, it's very simple, really. All I do is I'm very careful.

make a decision that way. Will you shut up? How do they get... I've got bigger

things on my mind. I've got to get a clearance for the 73 so we can go after

that Russian ship.

This directive just came from the CO's office. Sir, he wants you to initial it.

Oh, initial it. You mean just write CP on it.

CP?

What initials are those?

She means W -H. W -H.

Yeah, W -H.

Just wanted to see if you were paying attention. Yes, you are, too.

He's quite a prankster. He's always... What is he saying?

All personnel are restricted to the base until 0800 tomorrow.

The security alert.

Oh, it's worse than 0800 tomorrow.

That's 8 a .m. civilian time. Learn that.

Hey! That means you can't go after Wilbur until tomorrow.

This is awful. This is awful.

Wilbur's getting further and further away, and Leavenworth is getting closer

closer than I do. Don't look at me. I think I'm going to cry.

Give me a hand.

I wonder if Wilbur knows the trouble he's causing

me.

What's so terrible about Vladivostok?

Messed up deals I've ever heard of in my life.

Wilbur's on his way to Russia. We're restricted to the base. And on top of it

all, this dodo has to go and get himself promoted.

That's adjutant dodo to you.

I'll adjutant dodo you. Now, you listen to me, and you listen to me good.

There's nothing that we can do in the morning. You understand that?

So you'll go to your room and you'll stay there and you'll stay out of sight.

you hear me?

Yeah, I hear you. I can hear you a lot better if you let go of my ear.

Captain Binghamton.

Colonel Platt wants to see you and Lieutenant Carpenter in his office right

away.

Doesn't that man know it's after business hours?

I tell you, the man is pushy, pushy. Oh, you can say that again, sir. Pushy,

pushy. Shut up!

Are you listening?

You've got to go and find your way to your room, all. all by yourself. You

you can pull that off?

Yeah, sure, sure. Well, I doubt it.

Now, remember this.

It is barracks five, room nine. Have you got that? Uh, right. I got it.

Also, I got an earache. Never mind. You're going to have a lot worse than

if you don't get going. Now, remember, it's... What did I say it was? Barracks

five, room nine, sir.

Barracks five, room nine. You got it? Right. Don't get lost. Don't get lost.

five, nine. I got it.

You forgot to salute goodnight.

Go. Go!

Five and nine.

Barracks five, room nine.

Barracks five, room nine.

Barracks five, room nine.

Barracks five, room nine. See you, Jim. Tomorrow at nine.

Barracks nine, room five.

Barracks nine, room five.

Barracks...

Hey, nice homey touch.

I can hardly wait to get out of this girdle. It feels like it was made in

Listen, if we're going to the movies, we better hurry. Yeah, I wonder if Hot

Lips Harkness will be there. Yeah, we haven't seen him yet.

Uh -uh.

Hands off, Deb.

Hands off, because that hunk of man is all mine.

Do you have any razor blades, Mac?

Boy, you know, you really... Corporal Smith.

Oh, now, look, wait a minute. I'll marry your sister. Just don't hit me with a

jeep again.

You should be ashamed of yourself running around without your clothes on.

Wilbur!

Wilbur! I'm sorry.

Hey, that's the girls. You've got to get me out of here fast. Captain, I refuse

to be a part of one of your wildest activities.

Now, look, as your adjutant, I'm ordering you to save my life. All right,

ahead full.

Start your motors.

I may be driving your getaway car, but this is a...

Hey, it's kind of spooky out here, isn't it?

Yes, it is. It is. Well, look, if you're afraid, maybe I better come with you.

Besides, I've never seen the inside of a control tower.

What's the matter?

Just the old knee acting up again. It's going to be all right, though. Don't

worry. Listen, why don't you just put your arm around my shoulder? Oh, thank

you.

Oh, here, let me do it.

All right, I'll get it.

We're caught.

We're hooked here. I'll get it. I think it's a button.

All right, got it?

There we go.

It's all right. There you go.

Thank you.

It's going to be all right.

May I?

My knee.

Here,

I'll get it again.

You had our share of trouble.

Boy, I bet you never thought we'd make it.

Oh, hello.

Hi, Cap.

Smitty. Here are tomorrow's incoming flight reports, Frank. Sure, sure. Look,

I'll go out and get a cup of coffee and leave you two alone to enjoy the view.

No, no. Frank, can you understand?

Please. Never let it be said that Frankie Tresh ever stood in the way of

romance. Oh, no, wait a minute, wait a minute. No, you've got it all wrong.

This isn't true romance.

No, you see, she ran over me with her jeep. Oh, yeah?

Well, that's a new way of catching her.

Good luck, Captain.

Bye -bye.

You're wrong!

Well,

he seems like sort of a conscientious fella.

Now look what you've done.

He'll blab this all over the base.

You've ruined everything!

Hey, watch it, will you? Don't you know I'm still wounded?

Wounded? I'll bet you ran in front of my jeep on purpose.

Probably bribed Frank to leave us alone.

Oh, how naive did I get you? You set a trap and I fell for it. Now, wait a

minute. I never set a trap for you.

What kind of crack is that?

Oh, well, I mean, I don't look at you as a girl.

Why, you're just another GI.

Another GI?

Look, buster.

I'm as much a woman as any other female.

There's something wrong with you because I've got plenty to notice.

Why, you never even made a pass at me.

What am I, some sort of a freak?

Oh, no, no, you're very nice.

A girl.

Nice girl.

I'll show you who's a nice girl.

Oh, Wilbur.

Now I know how you got that reputation.

I've never been kissed like that.

Me neither.

That annoyed you, wasn't it?

emergency. Wait a minute, you guys. Hold it.

Back to your hangers.

We're just... Holy God.

Everybody back to your bunk. What in the place is going on?

You better leave us alone. We've got to turn the war off. Why couldn't you stick

to hugging and kissing?

You'll be the first guy who ever stood in front of a fire spot wearing

Get out of here. Go. Go.

We never should have let Parker go in there alone. I bet he's ratting on us

to save his own skin. Why wouldn't we put it past him, sir?

Well, that dingbat is not going to take me down the drain with him. I'm going in

there. I'm going to tell the colonel everything. I'm going to blab my head

I'm going to blab, blab, blab.

realize what Harkness has done? No, no, no, Colonel. I hope you don't think that

I'm implicated with Captain Harkness in any way because he really is... Harkness

is no longer a captain.

Well, I should think not because... Because he was on the ball and alerted

base to the surprise Japanese air attack.

Our planes were able to intercept the invaders and score a major victory.

Japanese air attack?

A major victory, Elroy. Meet my new executive officer, Major Harkness.

Uh, as you were.

Smoke if you got him.

Dad!

Come on already. Will you sign those papers? I've got to go after Wilbur.

Heaven only knows what's happening to that poor boy. Well, I'm just making

that Smitty didn't leave any smudges. You know, neatness counts.

Neatness counts.

If I don't find Wilbur, we're going to have the neatest cells in Leavenworth.

Now, will you, Captain?

Oh, sir.

Sir, I just came from the operation shack. They sighted that rescue ship off

Fakura Island. That's about two hours from here.

Well, we're finally getting a break.

Come on, sign, sign, sign.

J -O -R.

You know, I always thought it was E -R. Well, you're saying that thing.

E -R. You are.

Now, Carpenter. Sir.

I'm going to take the 73 and go out after Wilbur.

You stay here and you keep an eye on this menace, because if he opens his

we're dead.

Right, sir.

Come on, the captain's waiting.

Oh, will you wait till I blot it?

Will you get me back? We just will not. You will? No, I... I've got the best

half.

I'm going to leave a boob to watch a boob?

There's only one thing for me to do.

You're going to have to go after Wilbur. I'll stay here and I'll keep an eye on

Major Birdbrain.

Here's the orders.

Now go ahead and I'm putting up any slip -ups. Don't worry, sir. You can depend

on me.

One more crack out of you and I'm going to give you a good lick.

Morning, Major.

Morning, Smitty.

Sergeant.

Sir, the chief flight instructor just called. He'll check you out in the link

trainer. Right after lunch?

Link trainer?

No, no, no, no, no. The major doesn't have time for any of that foolishness.

Oh, but, sir, it's Colonel Platt's orders. All newly assigned officers must

the test.

There are no exceptions.

Colonel Platt's orders.

He'll be there.

But don't you feel, I mean... I know it will be terribly boring for an ace like

you, Will.

Major, what orders? Our orders?

Now, why'd you tell her I'd show up for that link trainer?

Well, I'd get sick just going up in a Ferris wheel. Well, you've got to do

or the Colonel will get wise.

Now, come on, let's go bone up on that trainer so you don't make a complete ass

out of yourself.

I don't want my mother.

I'd like to get my hands on her myself.

Oh, wait a minute.

All right.

Did you get a boo -boo? Get that thing going here.

Try and keep it level.

All right, you ready?

All right, brother.

That's enough of that. Now left, left, left, brother.

Left, brother.

Fight it out. Fight it out.

Bring your noses. Bring your noses.

That's your nose. That nose is a ship. Bring your ship off the trailer.

All right. All right. All right.

Down,

down. That's on level. Keep it level. Keep it level.

Boy, it'd be a lot easier if I could see what I was doing.

How about I put the top down? Never grind the top. Never put the top up.

Straighten it out. That's the whole idea of this thing. It simulates flying

blind in the trailer.

Straighten it out.

Boy, it sure is a lot easier than drinking, though.

Drinking? All

right, this is the baby they

want shipped to New Guinea for repairs. Let's get it out of here.

I wasn't through yet.

Oh, man.

Now, will you look what you did?

You see what you've done now? You blew out a fuse.

Boy, it's kind of scary in here without a nightlight. I'm going to put the top

down. You're not going to put the top down. I told you you can't do that.

Here's a flashlight down here. Just keep flying. You need all the practice you

can get.

How can we hit something when we're not going anyplace? You're just a lousy

pilot.

Keep it level.

Try it. Try it.

But try harder. You're not keeping it level.

Turbulent.

I can't read the instructions.

I think I'm getting the hang of it.

Drives like a truck.

What's that splashing? Oh, now get off of me.

Probably the water in your brain.

Hey, it is water.

We're flying through a hurricane.

Can't you get it through your pea brain that this thing can't fly? We've never

left the building.

But still, I wonder where the water is coming from.

Where is the water coming from?

Somebody must have rolled the roof back or something.

I'll check it.

Permission?

Be careful.

Don't you worry, sir. As soon as we get you pumped out, you're going to be as

good as new.

There you go.

General Harkness here has just flown in, and he is most anxious to see his son,

the Major.

Yes, he didn't show up for his link trainer checkout. They said he might be

here. Oh, I'm terribly sorry, General. I didn't see him come in.

Let me check.

Thank you.

A four -star general. We don't see many of those around.

Hey, it's General Harkness.

General Harkness. Bye.

He's soaking wet.

I wonder what he spilled this time.

Blink trainers can't fly.

It's impossible.

Blink trainers can't fly.

Doctor?

Dr. Sutter!

Don't touch him, man!

Don't you know your first aid?

Oh, yes, sir. Hello, General.

What happened to him?

I don't know. Looks like he had one too many and fell off his boat.

Naval reserve, you know.

Well, step on it, step on it, pick up his feet. You must be one of the new

nurses around here.

Oh, yes, very new.

Hey, Colonel, have you seen my son, the major? No, sir, I haven't, but I'm

looking forward to meeting him. Excuse me, General.

Where the devil is Wilbur?

He has a concussion and he's in shock.

Nurse, let's give him a strong sedative, about two cc's.

Oh, uh, cc.

No, there!

What in heaven's name are you doing?

Huh? Oh, well, I was just going out to get some fresh air. What kind of stupid

nurses are they sending me these days?

Well, I don't have to take that.

Nurse, come back here!

Oh, uh, sorry, no visitors.

Just remember my Hippocratic Oath.

How is Binghamton?

A slight concussion. He'll recover.

Did you ever locate your son, sir?

No. I can't wait around here any longer. I'm due at a staff meeting on Kamakura.

Bad kidney.

Goodbye, Doctor. Goodbye, General.

I know Wilbur's going to be terribly disappointed that he missed you again,

You know, it almost seems as if that boy is hiding from me.

Just lie back, Captain. Nobody's going to hurt you. Just relax. Not the needle.

Not the needle!

Here, nurse, give him the injection. No! I don't want any injection!

I don't want any injection!

No!

You gave it to me, you idiot! You... Get him off of me. Let's get out of

here. Hurry up.

Oh, wait a minute. Just twisting my neck off. Get him out of here.

Oh!

Oh, Ryan!

But, oh, boy, you're using all this stuff up.

Captain, Captain, we've got to go.

Doctor, we're having some trouble up at the other end.

Oh, what happened? My goodness.

Well, I mean, he told me to give him a shot, and I didn't know how, so I just,

you know, like that. And the next thing I know, he goes right down.

Yeah,

just like that. And so I... Hello?

Well, good night, everybody.

What bomb was that? We must have covered half the Pacific.

We're gunners for sure.

All right, all right. Relay that fighting. We have to refuel and go back

find Wilbur before it gets dark. We've got about as much chance of finding him

as... Hey!

Untie the boat!

Take her out to sea!

Harker, what is... Everybody back in the boat. What? What's wrong?

The white coats are active.

Did you hear the bloodhounds? What happened? Where's Bingham? I told you

wouldn't believe me.

Measure hardness?

T .O. wants you to report to operations on the double. He's holding a plane for

you. He is? A plane? What's up, Sarge? Well, I was suspected of something to do

with the war. Shall we go, sir?

Oh, Sarge, I just remembered. I can't go now. I've got to leave the room.

The colonel's waiting, sir.

Yes, yes.

Captain, security will have that nurse.

I tell you, that's no nurse. That was Major Harkness. Major Harkness? Yes,

she really isn't Major Harkness. She's really Ensign Parker. I'm glad, glad,

glad, glad. Please, lie down, Captain. You better have that head x -rayed. I

don't want to lie down. When I get my hands on that Parker, you're going to

plenty of x -rays.

Please, Captain, you've had a concussion.

I'm having another one right now. There he goes.

You'll come back here, you assassin.

You'll come back here.

Oh, sniff that thing yourself, you quack.

Did you want to... Oh, Wilbur, thank heavens you're safe.

Oh, boy, there was a nurse running around here berserk with a hypo needle.

nurse with a needle? Oh, that's a disgrace.

Yeah, it's a good thing your dad, the general, missed it. But he was a little

unhappy about having missed you.

So I got me a brainstorm.

I'm going to send you down to Comacora on the cargo run with Major Grady here.

You're going to send me to... Oh, no, wait a minute. No, really. I wouldn't

to interfere with their work.

Oh, you wouldn't interfere at all, Major.

Matter of fact, you're going to work your way.

As our navigator.

Oh. Well, if I, uh... Navigator.

I really don't think that... Oh, come on, Wilbur. It's a great idea.

It'll give you some flight time, and it'll be a heck of a surprise for your

Boy, I bet it would be.

Navigator. Surprise. No, no. I don't think we should, then. You see, my dad

doesn't like surprises.

You should have seen him the time that I was born in the middle of the morning.

What was he sore? Gave me a whack or I don't know.

You sure are a riot, Wilbur.

Any riots, Sergeant.

Major Grady!

Out on the tarmac and warm that plane up. Major Harkness will be right behind

you. Yeah, but you don't seem... I don't think... Major Grady. Be in a minute.

He's going to see me in a minute.

Sergeant, let's see if we can break out the flight gear here for Major Harkness.

Yeah, but I think that we... Sorry.

Do you read horoscopes? Yeah. You don't?

Well, mine said this morning not to take any trips. Definitely. It was...

Are you sure the nurse didn't get at you with that hypo needle?

Nurse, no.

Oh, and besides, you see, I just kind of wanted to stick around and wash out a

few skivvies.

Well,

but you've been flying to death too long. You get up there in the air, boy,

it'll give you your conscience back.

Yes, sir.

There you go.

Off you go into the wide blue yonder, Wilbur.

Say, I tell you what. Look, why don't we just send him a singing telegram?

A singing telegram, Wilbur. Get out there and see if you can get that thing

in the air. Close the door. You're letting the flies in.

Get off of this plane. You're not going anywhere.

I can't. I'm a navigator.

Navi? You're the navigator?

Oh, I hate a smart aleck.

Guys, we're moving. Yeah, and they forgot to tell us to fasten our

I'll fasten your seatbelt for you.

You dirty little dope, you. You're trying to sneak off. Believe me, homie.

I'm not trying to sneak off.

They're just taking me down to surprise Dad.

I don't care whether they're having a stick to you like... Dad?

Do you mean this plane is taking us to General Harkness?

Uh -huh.

Oh, somebody up there's got to hate me.

Yeah, well, there's a few of us down here who don't care too much for you.

tell you that.

I know that. Oh, shut up. Just shut up.

I've got to get some parachutes and get out of here. Come on.

Looks like a cloud tugger moving in ahead.

Yeah, I better buzz the major for a bearing.

Pilot to navigator.

Pilot to navigator.

Answer that thing. Answer it. You ought to come back here and find out what's

wrong. Answer the thing.

Hello. Not the thing. Sorry,

wrong number.

Sorry, wrong number.

Sorry, wrong number.

Come on, Major. Quit your clowning.

Hey, how about giving us our course, huh?

Don't just stand there. He wants a course. Give him a course.

Major, what's our heading?

Our heading? Heading? Uh, it's a zero, uh... Five.

Did you say zero, six, five?

Uh, Roger, over and, uh... Out.

Does he know how to drive this thing?

I think I found the parachute.

What the... Boy, that's an odd -looking ripcord.

Dunce, don't you know a pair of water wings when you see them?

Pilot to navigator.

Pilot to navigator. Pilot to navigator. Why doesn't he just shut up and fly the

thing?

It's your nickel.

Claws are really moving in, Major.

Better check our course.

Course? Uh, well, uh, course, um... 34B.

Checking. Did you say 343?

Well, if that's what you heard, that's what I said.

You better get your hearing checked, Major.

Answer it, you dogo.

I wish I was back in the 73.

Changing course to 73.

73 degrees.

Okay.

We've hit some turbulence. I know, I know.

Turn on the motor.

Wait a minute. Don't yell at me. I've had drivers scream at me. I don't care

about this. Put it in gear.

Sight the angle.

Is that somebody honking at us?

No, no.

It can't be.

What do you see, Bill?

Either I've lost my marbles, or there's a jeep out there trying to pass us.

It is a jeep.

Who the devil is driving it?

That's Major Harkness.

And there's somebody with him.

How'd he pick up a hitchhiker out there?

May as well turn off the motor and save gas.

Oh, I mean, why does it always be?

I think the right front is low.

I'll check it. Yes, yeah, yeah, check the right.

Get back in the Jeep and take both hands on the wheel. The right front is low.

I was right, it's low. Oh, I just pulled into a station to have it checked.

Well, we don't need gas. I hate to do it, you know, just pull in for air.

Don't just stand there. Go get help. Call the auto club.

For heaven's sake.

You giving signals?

Good Lord, we're falling.

What is that down there?

What is it?

It's the Japanese fleet.

I wish

I

had my camera.

Japanese are going crazy down there. I've never seen anything like it. Bill,

can't raise the bass. Our radio's out.

Well, let's hightail it for Kamakura. This could be the bag of the year.

Japanese fleet be hiding tire success of our military operation depends

upon our finding the hiding place of those Japanese battle wagons and

jump and gee hush the bat

what is it general a jeep coming in for a landing

All right, sir, our brakes gave up. I hope you don't mind us dropping in like

this. Where'd you nitwits come from? Well, I... How'd you get this off the

ground? Well, speak up, Binghamton. What the thunder is this all about? And who

the devil are you? Well, actually, both of us... One at a time. Now, one at a

time. I found the Japanese fleet. You'll be clouded. Tell the story about the

Japanese fleet. Did you say you found the Japanese fleet? Where are they?

are they? I'm trying to... I'm telling the story about them. Admiral, they're

about 200 miles north of here in the Maracuas Strait. Maracuas? Yeah.

Maracuas? Shut up. I'm telling the story.

And, General, where would... If you can tell me, I'd like to hear it again.

Hello. Let's get me all bomber command.

Dad, I'm back.

It's me, Wilbur, your son.

Where have you been? Out partying up? I'm busy. Go take a bath.

Oh, no.

It's him. Who? You. Me?

And I, the real Harkin. Let's get out of here.

Here, you can hold it.

You gentlemen, come on along, Colonel. We've got to get you ready for your

meeting with the president.

That's my boy.

Why him?

Why that nut?

How does he rate Lieutenant Colonel?

And the Medal of Honor.

I was there, too, you know. I had to get something.

He was the navigator, sir, and he did find the Japanese fleet. Oh, shut up.

Whose side are you on, anyway?

Dad,

you going to let Parker get away with it? Shouldn't he be court -martialed?

can't. court -martial a national hero?

Come on, boy, wise up.

But, but, Dad, he was wearing my uniform and my name. I should be getting the

honors. You? While you were out drinking and chasing females, Parker was making

history. But, Dad, I was... Stop calling me Dad.

I don't want it to get around.

Dad.

Yeah, I'll visit you, Parker. This is a great day for the Navy.

Nice to have you back.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Colonel, the newsreel people need a focus and a voice level before the

arrives. Would you mind?

Fine,

officer. Just sit down, Colonel, and say anything that comes to mind.

Sir, I don't understand. Is Parker a civilian or not?

He's a civilian just for today.

The Air Corps had to give him his discharge so he can reenlist in the

We'll have the fat little idiot back on our hands tomorrow.

And when we do, I'm... Shh, the President's talking.

My friends, and you are my friends.

As your chief executive, I'd just like to say I

hate war.

Oh, no.

Uh, it's too...

Uh, down, fella. You're in the way of my camera.

They didn't make him president.

Not that nuthead Parker, the president. Oh, they've gone too far this time. I've

got to save the country. I'm so my friend.

He's not your friend. I'm your friend.