Original subtitles

Next up on the Home Shopping Network:

"Boyfriends of Cher Collector Plates."

Who'd wanna eat off of Gregg Allman?

You won't believe what they're doing at the mall.

Putting a sign in front of the shoe store that says, "Over two pairs sold"?

That hurts, Peg.

Not as much as seeing you first thing in the morning, but that still hurts.

Anyway, they're making us all car pool.

Damn, this cleaner, greener Chicago program.

Do you realize that they even want us to conserve water?

Well, did you tell them about how much water you save on showers?

I did.

You know, this conservation crap has gone a little too far.

What did we take this country from the Indians for if we're not gonna use it?

Do you know the kind of people that are doing this, Peg?

People who won't chop down one tree...

...but mow their heads are the kind of people behind this.

Al Bundy, why would you leave that landfill you call a car running...

...after you come home?

I didn't. It just takes a while to stop.

I mean, when you cut a chicken's head off it still runs around the room.

There. It's off.

Well, it's cars like yours that make carpooling necessary,

which is why I'm glad my bank is one of the cleaner, greener sponsors.

Marcy, it is a man's God-given right to drive alone in his car.

A man's car is his castle.

Well, I thought a man's home was his castle.

It is, if he can slay the dragon that's living there.

Besides, too many people in one car spells trouble.

What do we do when someone cuts us off?

Are we all supposed to give him the finger?

No, just whichever one of you can get it out of his nose first.

A man's nose is also his castle.

In my America, a man's car and his nose is his castle.

Well, in my America...

...there's one giant bus...

...that the whole world gets on to ride to work together.

And on this bus I greet people from different lands,

each in their own native language.

You're talking about the city bus.

Well, I can see this is certainly falling on a pair of deaf and furry ears.

Well! This car pool outrage will not go unchallenged.

You wanna get something cleaner and greener? Wash my underwear!

Hey, wait a second, that was a shot at me.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, it can be from me.

Peg, remember the time when a man could burn a tank of gas...

...backing out of his own driveway?

A man took a hooker to a steak house and no one would even blink an eye?

Peg, why can't we go back to simpler times?

Al, but look at this place.

Any simpler and we'd be bushmen.

You know who I really feel for, don't you? The kids.

What's the point in being young...

...if you can't get in a big old car with a really dumb girl?

Dad...

...I got straight A's and made the dean's list.

Son, I wish you could have been alive back when I was.

Of course, I probably wouldn't have let you hang out with me,

back when a time when a man could be a man and a car could be a car.

When we had one hand on the wheel and one hand on the girl

and one hand on the stick.

That's what I liked about the old days. We...

...had more hands.

Mom, I made the dean's list.

Oh, and I'm very proud of you.

Now tell me, honey...

...who is this dean?

Is he a nice boy?

Mom. Dad.

I am getting a raise at the extermination company.

I was also voted Employee of the Month.

So Pest Boys will hold an awards ceremony for me in a few weeks.

-Oh, I gotta go tell my friends. -Oh, honey.

They might even put my name on the golden fly swatter.

Oh, Al. Our little girl is all grown-up.

Kind of puts this dean's thing in perspective, don't it?

Kind of puts my genetic makeup in perspective.

Listen to that, Peg. Now he's using makeup.

First this dean thing and now this.

Now look what you've done! You get out of here! You've upset your mother!

Don't answer it, Peg. He's from the mall.

They're coming to tell me who I have to car pool with.

As far as I'm concerned, they can rot out there.

Come in.

Or they can rot in here with me.

Hi.

Are you Al Bundy?

Why, yes, I am.

Oh, and that's my.... My-- My housekeeper, Consuela.

Oh, Consuela, upstairs-oh.

I'm his wife.

It's a marriage of convenience.

Unfortunately not mine. I'm deporting her.

Can I get you a drink or a condominium?

No, thanks, Mr. Bundy.

My name is Naomi and I'm with Victoria's Secret.

Oh, I love your work.

I know. I've seen your face prints on the window.

The mall sent me over here to ask you if you would join us in our car pool.

I'm in.

Let's go. Adiós, Consuela!

Actually, I'm not driving, but several of our models do live in the area.

They do?

Oh, Consuela...

...we live model adjacent.

Blot your chin...

...and your pants.

So when do my models come to get me?

-Seven a.m. -Good, I don't have to be there till 10...

...which gives me a lot of time for coffee, cartwheels and a cold shower.

He's just kidding about the shower.

-Here are your models' names. -Why, thank you.

-Bye. -Bye.

Alexis, Monique and Paulina.

Oh, my.

Alexis, Monique and Paulina. Oh, my.

Alexis, Monique and Paulina. Oh, my.

Alexis, Monique and Paulina. Oh, my.

So they tell me you girls are models for Victoria's Secret.

Oh, we are.

We're Victoria's big secret.

Well, Victoria couldn't keep a secret this big.

It's a new line of lingerie for the full-figured woman...

...because you know what they say. "You're never too big to be sexy."

Oh, and do you know who says that?

Fat girls.

So do you always go to work wearing a suit and smelling of High Karate?

No. Do you always go to work wearing curtains and smelling of Mars Bars?

Sounds to me like you're full of self-hate, Mr. Bundy.

Well, at least I'm full.

Would you mind turning on the radio, I feel a crying jag coming on.

Say please.

There's a Chunky in it for you.

Oh, I love this song.

It reminds me of that summer in Hawaii with Tony.

God, what a lover.

Oh, man, he could do it all night long.

Did I ever tell you about that time me and Johnny Klog...

...joined the mile-high club?

I was wearing this frilly little skirt and not much underneath.

-Well-- -Pull over!

-What? -Pull over, I've gotta heave.

Shut up, or I'll pound you like a scaloppini.

We're almost there.

The police. What did we do?

Well, I don't know. Maybe we missed the truck scale.

But on the positive side...

...maybe they'll get me out of here before I turn into a diamond.

-What seems to be the problem? -Hi, I'm Alderman Johnson.

-Would you four be carpooling? -No, I'm their lunch.

-What's up? -Well, we were following you...

...and laughing and pointing.

And as it turns out, despite our best efforts...

...you're the only people carpooling in all of Chicago.

We're also the only people eating snickerdoodles by the gallon.

Well, we'd like you and your friends to represent the city

in its new media campaign, "Everybody into the car pool."

Forget it. You got the wrong guy.

Well, that's too bad, because your first promotional appearance...

...would have been courtside at the Chicago Bulls playoff game.

Say cheesecake.

Oh, here comes your daddy.

Hi, I'm Al Bundy...

...but many of you know me as...

...Al Bundy.

There was a time I scored four touchdowns in one game on this field...

...but now I can't run four feet...

...without being tackled by someone else's garbage.

Be a part of my team.

Two, four, six, eight Pick up litter, clean your plate

Yay, Keep Chicago Clean!

Score a touchdown for mother earth.

Let's help keep Chicago green and clean.

Please.

What a load.

Mom, isn't Dad being just a tad hypocritical?

That was the first time I've seen him walk the field without taking a whiz.

Since he's been on billboards and the side of buses,

he has been an insufferable pig.

Whoa, that was a big word.

There are no big words, just little heads.

Now, kids, maybe we should give your father the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe he's learned something.

Maybe he really does care about the environment.

I'm in the money I'm in the money

Did I tell you about the cutest thing Paulina did at the mayor's office?

We don't wanna hear about your fat friends.

They're not fat.

They just eat way, way too much.

I don't get it. Everyone in this town loves what I'm doing but you guys.

You swine.

And our next-door McNugget.

Do you realize...

...that you have cost me my job at the bank again?

They have demoted me to drive-up teller again!

What happened?

Al called the bank president and asked:

"How can you say you're environmentally correct...

...and yet have an employee who would disconnect her car's smog device?"

I'll have you know that I religiously get my car tuned up...

...and I will expose you for the liar that you are!

I will prove myself innocent of these false allegations!

My car is no gas-guzzler!

-It is clean as a wh-- -Marcy...

...I disconnected your smog device.

Did you?

If I may be so patient as to ask why?

I'm a guy.

Well, just come with me...

...and we can disconnect that too.

Al, I told you that in the strictest confidence. What're you doing?

Blabbing.

The smog device can be put back on...

...if you just give me your credit card. Please!

Man, I love this gig.

I never realized how much power I've got.

But, Dad, if you don't really believe in this ecology stuff...

...then doesn't that make you a lying bag of sleaze?

Yes, son, but a rich lying bag of sleaze.

You see, we celebrities don't really believe the stuff we're paid to say.

-Well, then why do you do it? -To make money.

And get out of the house.

That is the American dream, and by God I'm living it!

I'm so happy, I could almost cry.

In fact, I am crying.

My friends and I are doing the right thing.

Why?

Because we're carpooling.

-Good morning, ladies. -Morning, Al.

When I'm off to work, I'm not selfish...

...because I drive to work with my....

My friends.

-How about some doughnut holes, Al? -Thank you, Monique.

That's enough.

As you can see, when you have a lot riding on your tires...

...you help not only the environment, but you make friends.

And after a leisurely breakfast of doughnut holes and sorghum...

...you can sit back and enjoy the ride.

Mother Nature says, "Hey."

Father Time says, "Yikes."

Don't worry, you'll have your moment when they start couch pooling.

The girls are coming to discuss next week's itinerary.

Remember, no fat jokes.

But they're fat.

They're not fat. They just have cream filling.

Come in, ladies.

Hi.

-Got any munchies? -Right over there.

Come on in, everybody.

I'll get some milk.

Here.

Al, wait'll you hear this.

We've been invited to Los Angeles. We're gonna be on Vicki.

And do guest voices on Captain Planet.

I haven't been this happy since--

You installed seats in your refrigerator?

Allow me to introduce my family. This is my wife, Peggy...

...this is my son, Shecky.

Oh, Al, we're going to L.A.

Just think of the things to see.

Wendy's. Winchell's. Der Weinerschnitzel.

It's so exciting!

Congratulations, Mr. Bundy.

You and your gals have practically put Chicago on the map.

Hey, Chicago was already on the map.

-Do you vote? -No.

Then I wasn't talking to you.

Now, before you go to L.A.,

we'd like you to kick off our new campaign

by making a speech in front of the most toxic plant in Chicago.

We want you to tell the world that our program is going nationwide

that polluters like this may soon no longer exist.

What do you say?

-Will there be shrimp? -There will.

We're there!

Daddy.

In here, pumpkin.

Tomorrow I'm giving a speech and with you getting employee of the month...

-...and Bud on the queen's list-- -That's dean's list.

Yeah, like there's a difference.

It's gonna be a banner day for the Bundys.

Well, that's just it, Dad. I may not be employee of the month.

See, tomorrow a certain environmental group...

...will speak in front of the extermination company.

And when they find out that a certain spokesman

is related to a certain verminator, I'm gonna lose my job.

Oh, no. I'm speaking at a horrible toxic-waste plant.

What the hell do you think we are?

I mean, until last week that's how we advertised.

-But, pumpkin. -Pumpkin?

Pie? Where?

Al, you know what you have to do.

You are the greatest daddy in the whole world.

You gave up all your dreams for me. Why?

-Well, I l-- -Love me?

No, pumpkin, I was gonna say I lost my mind.

So I don't get my 15 minutes of fame.

That just means Pauly Shore gets a half-hour.

-He is funny, isn't he? -No.

But, pumpkin, my job as a parent is not to be famous...

...but to do the best that I can...

...so that my children can have the things I never did.

The world I leave behind.

That is my legacy to you.

You first, sweetheart.