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1
00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:39,066
You wouldn't know this,
but it's tough out there...
2
00:01:39,133 --> 00:01:42,100
...for those of us without a couch
growing out of our butt.
3
00:01:44,533 --> 00:01:47,967
A fat woman Godzilla's
into the shoe store today...
4
00:01:48,033 --> 00:01:51,100
...asks for something she could wear
to walk in the woods.
5
00:01:51,166 --> 00:01:53,467
Jokingly, I suggest she wear a sign
that says:
6
00:01:53,533 --> 00:01:56,400
"Don't shoot.
From the front I look human."
7
00:01:58,033 --> 00:02:01,066
You'd think a woman could take
a little good-humored teasing...
8
00:02:01,133 --> 00:02:02,467
...but what does she do?
9
00:02:02,533 --> 00:02:05,133
Complains to the owner,
gets a gift certificate...
10
00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,233
...for $200 worth of free shoes.
11
00:02:07,300 --> 00:02:10,000
And you know whose pay check
that's gonna come out of.
12
00:02:10,567 --> 00:02:11,934
-Kelly's?
-Damn right...
13
00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:14,533
...if I could find out
where she hides her purse.
14
00:02:16,367 --> 00:02:18,500
Now for something I wanna look at.
15
00:02:18,567 --> 00:02:20,567
And now on Fox.
16
00:02:20,633 --> 00:02:23,600
It's the new adventures
of Psycho Dad.
17
00:02:23,667 --> 00:02:26,000
-Oh, no.
-Oh, yes.
18
00:02:26,066 --> 00:02:29,300
-Who is the tall dark stranger there?
-There
19
00:02:29,367 --> 00:02:33,066
The one with the gun
And the icy stare
20
00:02:33,133 --> 00:02:36,900
The one with the scalp
Of his ex-wife's hair
21
00:02:36,967 --> 00:02:38,900
-Psycho Dad
-Psycho Dad
22
00:02:38,967 --> 00:02:42,533
-Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad
-Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad
23
00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:47,266
He's a durn good pa
But he hates the law
24
00:02:47,333 --> 00:02:49,633
-Chopping Reno to eat it raw
-Raw
25
00:02:49,700 --> 00:02:53,533
-Psycho Dad!
-Psycho Dad!
26
00:02:59,066 --> 00:03:01,567
Now with less violence,
but more kinky sex and nudity...
27
00:03:01,633 --> 00:03:03,400
...for a cleaner and saner America.
28
00:03:03,467 --> 00:03:05,433
Oh, Peg, I'm so excited.
29
00:03:05,500 --> 00:03:07,533
Al, I hate Psycho Dad. Can't we just--?
30
00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:09,433
There's nothing
in heaven and earth...
31
00:03:09,500 --> 00:03:12,200
...that will stop me
from watching Psycho Dad.
32
00:03:20,467 --> 00:03:24,000
So this God person,
what do you think she looks like?
33
00:03:32,533 --> 00:03:35,100
Hey, it smells like
something's cooking in here.
34
00:03:35,166 --> 00:03:37,467
Our TV set blew up.
35
00:03:37,533 --> 00:03:40,066
"Buy a second-hand TV," you said.
36
00:03:40,133 --> 00:03:43,300
"For 10 bucks you can't go wrong,"
you said.
37
00:03:43,367 --> 00:03:47,533
Well, now look. Twenty years later
and the damn thing's broken.
38
00:03:50,533 --> 00:03:53,800
Al, what is the big deal?
Just go out and buy a new one.
39
00:03:54,633 --> 00:03:59,567
We'll just buy a new one. Well, spank
my bottom, why didn't I think of that.
40
00:03:59,633 --> 00:04:02,700
Hello, Wally's World of free TVs?
41
00:04:02,767 --> 00:04:06,767
What do you have on sale today
for absolutely nothing?
42
00:04:07,700 --> 00:04:09,533
Guys, I got a solution...
43
00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:13,133
...though God knows
it's not for all your problems.
44
00:04:14,700 --> 00:04:17,700
They have tryouts for a new
game show called Touchdown Trivia.
45
00:04:17,767 --> 00:04:22,500
First prize is $10,000 and there's
no one who knows more about sports...
46
00:04:22,567 --> 00:04:25,300
...or is more trivial than you, Al.
47
00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:28,834
$10,000?
With that, I could buy a big screen...
48
00:04:28,900 --> 00:04:30,700
...a satellite dish, have money left...
49
00:04:30,767 --> 00:04:33,734
...to change the locks in the house
and watch all this in peace.
50
00:04:35,233 --> 00:04:37,333
I'm going to those auditions.
51
00:04:38,500 --> 00:04:41,000
-Don't wait up for me.
-I wasn't going to.
52
00:04:42,033 --> 00:04:44,233
I was talking to Jefferson.
53
00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:53,133
First, let me congratulate you
on passing the written test.
54
00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:56,166
For the finals, we'll play
a simulated game of sports trivia...
55
00:04:56,233 --> 00:04:57,533
...both national and local.
56
00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,500
-Any questions?
-I'd like to know--
57
00:04:59,567 --> 00:05:01,734
Yeah, places please.
58
00:05:05,533 --> 00:05:09,467
Now we will introduce our host,
Travis James.
59
00:05:20,533 --> 00:05:24,133
Man, I hate rehearsals.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
60
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:26,667
First contestant is Al Bundy.
61
00:05:26,734 --> 00:05:28,467
Yes, Travis. I was born--
62
00:05:28,533 --> 00:05:32,266
Then we go to our second contestant,
Max Weinberg.
63
00:05:32,333 --> 00:05:34,600
Max-- That's short for--
64
00:05:36,100 --> 00:05:37,934
Nothing. Fine. Okay.
65
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:41,967
-Our third contestant is Mike McKenzy.
-Hi, Travis.
66
00:05:42,033 --> 00:05:45,567
Don't speak to me, Mike.
It's just a rehearsal, okay?
67
00:05:45,633 --> 00:05:49,133
Now it's time for Touchdown Trivia.
68
00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:50,633
Okay, contestants...
69
00:05:50,700 --> 00:05:53,867
...we're all familiar with the famous
running back O.J. Simpson.
70
00:05:53,934 --> 00:05:57,200
For five yards,
what do the initials O.J. stand for?
71
00:05:57,767 --> 00:06:00,500
-Al.
-Orenthal James.
72
00:06:00,567 --> 00:06:02,734
That's correct!
73
00:06:09,100 --> 00:06:11,367
Eat my dust.
74
00:06:12,533 --> 00:06:16,133
Okay, the second question.
What was the World Bowl?
75
00:06:17,266 --> 00:06:19,633
-Al.
-Title game of the now defunct...
76
00:06:19,700 --> 00:06:23,533
...World Football League.
Travis, excuse me.
77
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:25,066
Do you want me to rush...
78
00:06:25,133 --> 00:06:28,400
...or you want me to pretend
that I have to think about these?
79
00:06:31,233 --> 00:06:34,600
Here's a 10-yard question.
What occupational oddity is shared...
80
00:06:34,667 --> 00:06:38,433
...by Henry Aaron,
Willie Mays and Babe Ruth?
81
00:06:38,500 --> 00:06:41,700
-Mike.
-They're all baseball players.
82
00:06:41,767 --> 00:06:45,800
Been in this country long, Mike?
Be a little more specific, please.
83
00:06:46,300 --> 00:06:49,900
-Max.
-All Hall of Fame baseball players.
84
00:06:49,967 --> 00:06:52,700
Dress a Barbie, Max.
85
00:06:53,533 --> 00:06:56,367
Let a real man answer this.
86
00:06:56,433 --> 00:06:59,934
They all started and ended
their careers in the same city...
87
00:07:00,066 --> 00:07:03,700
-...but for different teams.
-That is correct.
88
00:07:09,533 --> 00:07:14,300
Next question. Can you name one
of two women golfers to win--? Max.
89
00:07:14,367 --> 00:07:16,000
-Mickey Wright.
-Correct.
90
00:07:17,667 --> 00:07:20,533
Women's golf is not a sport.
91
00:07:22,667 --> 00:07:25,667
Neither is spitting for distance.
92
00:07:25,734 --> 00:07:28,133
But it can be.
93
00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:30,100
Women's golf.
94
00:07:30,166 --> 00:07:34,233
All right, next question. What famous
Native American midget wrestler--?
95
00:07:34,300 --> 00:07:35,867
-Al.
-Sky Low Low.
96
00:07:35,934 --> 00:07:37,233
That's correct.
97
00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:29,033
Okay, Mr. Bundy, our final question
pertains to a local sporting event.
98
00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:35,100
What high school has won the most
city championships in baseball?
99
00:08:35,166 --> 00:08:39,033
-The O'Leary Bucket Kickers.
-Correct.
100
00:08:44,066 --> 00:08:47,433
Congratulations to have mastered
that amount of sports knowledge...
101
00:08:47,500 --> 00:08:50,533
...I can only assume
you have absolutely no life.
102
00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:53,333
None whatsoever, Travis.
103
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:57,533
By the way, when do you guys want
me to come back for the real thing?
104
00:09:00,700 --> 00:09:04,333
Well, gee, I'm sorry, Mr. Bundy,
we won't be having you back at all.
105
00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:08,233
What? Well, how come? I won.
106
00:09:08,734 --> 00:09:13,467
Well, according to our researchers, you
scored extremely low in personality.
107
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:17,533
Oh, how--? How low?
108
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:22,166
Well, let me put it to you this way. It
was somewhere between Joe Piscopo...
109
00:09:22,233 --> 00:09:25,367
...and the fat kid who played
on Head of the Class.
110
00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:29,133
Look, you know what? If I liked you
at all, I'd really be sorry.
111
00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:32,266
Well, but wait a second.
You can't do this to me. I'm a legend.
112
00:09:32,333 --> 00:09:35,767
I scored four touchdowns in one game
at Polk High.
113
00:09:40,166 --> 00:09:43,266
Four touchdowns
in high school football.
114
00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:45,066
Wow.
115
00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:48,166
Look, Mr. Bundy,
we're looking for people...
116
00:09:48,233 --> 00:09:50,734
...that are young, smart
and energetic.
117
00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:02,266
Or if you really want to be a shoe-in,
someone with sex appeal.
118
00:10:12,433 --> 00:10:16,133
I can't go on a sports-trivia show.
I don't know anything about sports.
119
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:19,800
Well, so you went to class every day,
you don't know anything about school.
120
00:10:20,533 --> 00:10:22,600
Oh, yeah?
Then how come they gave me a thing?
121
00:10:22,667 --> 00:10:24,133
-A diploma?
-Yeah.
122
00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:27,200
Because you tried.
Sweetheart, please.
123
00:10:27,266 --> 00:10:29,100
It's for a new TV.
124
00:10:29,166 --> 00:10:32,633
Come on. I'll tell you what,
I'll order the cartoon channel for you.
125
00:10:33,533 --> 00:10:35,533
Okay.
126
00:10:36,033 --> 00:10:39,467
I'll go upstairs and call in sick
for today. My boss isn't gonna like it...
127
00:10:39,533 --> 00:10:42,166
...but at least somebody's
appreciating me for my mind.
128
00:10:54,333 --> 00:10:55,600
It's the basement.
129
00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:02,266
Bud, now listen, you've helped
Kelly with her schoolwork.
130
00:11:02,333 --> 00:11:06,700
Tell me, is she capable of,
you know, anything?
131
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:11,233
Oh, sure. You just gotta work
within her limitations.
132
00:11:12,100 --> 00:11:13,800
Kelly's brain....
133
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:17,033
Kelly's brain...
134
00:11:17,667 --> 00:11:19,100
...can hold anything.
135
00:11:19,166 --> 00:11:21,867
You just gotta make sure
of two things before you start.
136
00:11:21,934 --> 00:11:23,500
One, that it's totally empty.
137
00:11:23,567 --> 00:11:26,000
Well, we know that.
138
00:11:27,533 --> 00:11:30,834
And two, you gotta feed
her information slowly.
139
00:11:30,900 --> 00:11:33,400
A drop at a time until she's full.
140
00:11:33,467 --> 00:11:35,133
Full?
141
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:39,000
Oh, yeah.
Kelly's brain can actually get full.
142
00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:41,333
Then you gotta be really careful...
143
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:45,533
...because each new fact after that
will totally replace an old one.
144
00:11:46,533 --> 00:11:50,700
That's how come she forgot to put on a
blouse the day she took her driver's test.
145
00:11:51,700 --> 00:11:55,367
No wonder why her license
expires every 60 days.
146
00:11:56,567 --> 00:11:59,567
Daddy, they said okay.
What do I have to do?
147
00:11:59,633 --> 00:12:03,300
All right. Good, sweetheart. First, tell
me everything you know about sports.
148
00:12:04,033 --> 00:12:07,300
I know that you scored four
touchdowns in one game for Polk High.
149
00:12:07,367 --> 00:12:09,600
Very good. What else?
150
00:12:11,033 --> 00:12:14,266
Golf spelled backwards is flog.
151
00:12:18,667 --> 00:12:22,467
All right. I thought
this was gonna take a long time.
152
00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:24,834
Don't worry.
You just sit down right here.
153
00:12:24,900 --> 00:12:27,533
In 48 hours, you're gonna know
so much about sports...
154
00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:29,800
...you're gonna be like the son
I always wanted.
155
00:14:11,367 --> 00:14:15,767
And now on to yachting.
156
00:14:16,533 --> 00:14:18,300
Daddy?
157
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:29,567
I'm full.
158
00:14:31,033 --> 00:14:32,700
Thank God.
159
00:14:33,333 --> 00:14:35,667
Well, we've got two hours
to catch up on our sleep.
160
00:14:35,734 --> 00:14:40,066
Now, don't learn anything new
until this game show is over.
161
00:14:40,133 --> 00:14:42,467
How am I supposed to do that?
162
00:14:42,533 --> 00:14:44,633
Follow your mother around.
163
00:14:56,500 --> 00:14:58,166
Welcome to Touchdown Trivia.
164
00:14:58,233 --> 00:15:01,567
Here's the star of our show,
Travis James.
165
00:15:06,567 --> 00:15:09,834
Okay. Okay, I know we're anxious
to win some money...
166
00:15:09,900 --> 00:15:14,133
...so let's get started, shall we?
Our first question in Touchdown Trivia:
167
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:17,433
What national league batter
set the all-time record for strikeouts...
168
00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:20,800
...in a single season
despite batting over .300?
169
00:15:21,333 --> 00:15:23,367
-Mike.
-Bobby Bonds.
170
00:15:23,433 --> 00:15:26,400
One hundred
and 89 strikeouts in 1970.
171
00:15:26,467 --> 00:15:28,333
-That's correct.
-Yes.
172
00:15:31,166 --> 00:15:33,467
Hey, my buzzer didn't work.
173
00:15:33,533 --> 00:15:37,433
You've gotta squeeze the buzzer,
honey, don-- Don't jerk it.
174
00:15:40,033 --> 00:15:42,266
Thanks. I learned something.
175
00:15:42,333 --> 00:15:45,266
Gee, so did I.
176
00:15:46,367 --> 00:15:49,667
Oh, no, Peg.
Travis put a thought into Kelly's head.
177
00:15:49,734 --> 00:15:52,667
That means she lost a fact.
178
00:15:52,734 --> 00:15:55,567
For another five yards.
What national hockey league team...
179
00:15:55,633 --> 00:15:58,200
...won only one game
in franchise history?
180
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:01,633
-Kelly.
-Montreal Wanderers, 1917.
181
00:16:01,700 --> 00:16:04,266
Won their opener, lost five,
their stadium burned.
182
00:16:04,333 --> 00:16:06,133
Absolutely correct.
183
00:16:08,033 --> 00:16:10,166
Yes.
184
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:14,266
All right, our next question
is in professional basketball.
185
00:16:14,333 --> 00:16:16,934
In the NBA,
who had the highest percentage...
186
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:18,800
...of free throws in a single season?
187
00:16:19,533 --> 00:16:21,233
-Kelly.
-Calvin Murphy...
188
00:16:21,300 --> 00:16:24,600
...of the Houston Rockets
with a whopping 95.8 percent.
189
00:16:24,667 --> 00:16:27,200
Right again.
190
00:16:31,367 --> 00:16:35,600
Now for 10 yards.
What do Karl Marx, Bob Dylan...
191
00:16:35,667 --> 00:16:38,367
...and heavyweight champion
Sonny Liston have in common?
192
00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:41,900
-Tony.
-They're all communists.
193
00:16:41,967 --> 00:16:45,500
No, that's not what we're looking for.
194
00:16:45,567 --> 00:16:47,133
Mike.
195
00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:49,433
Mamie Van Doren.
196
00:16:51,233 --> 00:16:52,834
Judges?
197
00:16:52,900 --> 00:16:56,300
No, I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Kelly.
198
00:16:56,367 --> 00:16:59,767
They're all on the cover of the
Beatles' Sgt. Pepper album.
199
00:16:59,834 --> 00:17:02,266
Slide that head.
200
00:17:08,767 --> 00:17:12,100
Oh, baby,
you're getting some tonight.
201
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:16,567
Now before we continue,
let's meet our contestants.
202
00:17:16,633 --> 00:17:18,433
-Oh, no.
-What's wrong?
203
00:17:18,500 --> 00:17:20,100
Travis might ask a question...
204
00:17:20,166 --> 00:17:24,033
...or worse, tell her something she
doesn't know. She'll lose another fact.
205
00:17:24,567 --> 00:17:27,133
-Our first contestant--
-I'm from Young--
206
00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:31,533
--is Kelly Bundy, a poison disseminator
from right here in Chicago.
207
00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:35,400
-So tell me, Ms. Bundy--
-She's married.
208
00:17:35,467 --> 00:17:39,433
Okay, that's enough chitchat,
let's get back to our game.
209
00:18:14,233 --> 00:18:17,567
Okay, contestants,
you're all even with 10 yards to go.
210
00:18:17,633 --> 00:18:19,867
You all have a chance
at the big money.
211
00:18:19,934 --> 00:18:24,066
This is for all the marbles.
The big enchilada.
212
00:18:24,133 --> 00:18:25,800
Here's the question.
213
00:18:27,100 --> 00:18:30,400
Who led the Chicago Bulls
in scoring six straight--
214
00:18:30,467 --> 00:18:32,567
-Tony.
-Michael Jordan.
215
00:18:32,633 --> 00:18:34,867
No, no, that's incorrect.
216
00:18:34,934 --> 00:18:37,133
Let me finish the question.
217
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:42,100
Who led the Chicago Bulls in scoring
six straight seasons in the '70s?
218
00:18:42,667 --> 00:18:44,900
-Kelly.
-Bob "Butterbean" Love.
219
00:18:44,967 --> 00:18:48,667
For 10 yards,
that's correct for the game.
220
00:18:56,266 --> 00:18:57,700
She did it. She did it.
221
00:18:57,767 --> 00:19:02,500
Oh, Al, can I have
some tomorrow night too?
222
00:19:02,567 --> 00:19:05,533
Not if I get that TV.
223
00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:10,133
Now, Kelly, as you know, our bonus
question is always in local sports.
224
00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:12,500
You have $1000 that you can keep...
225
00:19:12,567 --> 00:19:15,467
...but if not, you can go
for the run back question...
226
00:19:15,533 --> 00:19:21,000
...and a chance
at a check for $10,000.
227
00:19:29,533 --> 00:19:32,200
-Let's rock.
-Okay.
228
00:19:37,033 --> 00:19:41,333
Al, aren't you afraid they're gonna
ask her the one fact she lost?
229
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:42,700
What are the odds of that?
230
00:19:42,767 --> 00:19:46,266
I taught her more local stuff
than national, Peg. We can't lose.
231
00:19:46,333 --> 00:19:50,367
Okay, Kelly, for $10,000.
232
00:19:50,433 --> 00:19:52,867
In local high school football...
233
00:19:52,934 --> 00:19:56,567
...who scored four touchdowns
in one game...
234
00:19:56,633 --> 00:20:00,300
...for Polk High School
in the Chicago City Championship?
235
00:20:04,667 --> 00:20:08,633
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
236
00:20:10,266 --> 00:20:13,400
-Al?
-This proves a personal theory of mine.
237
00:20:13,467 --> 00:20:16,233
The longer you suffer,
the greater the rewards.
238
00:20:16,300 --> 00:20:18,734
That's how the gods work.
239
00:20:19,233 --> 00:20:22,300
Then why won't the gods
let her answer?
240
00:20:26,166 --> 00:20:28,333
Polk High?
241
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:30,533
Four touchdowns?
242
00:20:35,467 --> 00:20:37,266
Red squeeze buzzer?
243
00:20:38,500 --> 00:20:41,800
Oh, I'm sorry, Kelly.
244
00:20:45,734 --> 00:20:48,233
The correct answer was, audience?
245
00:20:48,300 --> 00:20:51,667
Al Bundy!
246
00:20:51,734 --> 00:20:53,333
You won't go empty-handed...
247
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:55,834
...we have plenty of
consolation prizes for you...
248
00:20:55,900 --> 00:20:59,367
...and thanks for playing
Touchdown Trivia.
249
00:21:07,667 --> 00:21:09,500
Al?
250
00:21:09,567 --> 00:21:11,600
Yes, Peg.
251
00:21:11,667 --> 00:21:14,266
Am I still getting some?
252
00:21:15,567 --> 00:21:17,467
No, Peg.
253
00:21:17,533 --> 00:21:21,433
In fact, when we get home,
I just might take some back.
254
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:28,200
Well, it's not 10 grand, but a new TV's
not a bad consolation prize.
255
00:21:28,266 --> 00:21:29,533
So you mean I did good?
256
00:21:30,133 --> 00:21:31,367
No.
257
00:21:32,734 --> 00:21:37,667
Oh, come on, Al.
You're proud of her. Now admit it.
258
00:21:38,734 --> 00:21:44,066
Well, you did your best, pumpkin,
so, yeah, I'm proud of you.
259
00:21:44,133 --> 00:21:46,066
Can we watch something
on the new TV?
260
00:21:46,133 --> 00:21:47,633
Sure, son.
261
00:21:47,700 --> 00:21:50,266
You know,
it doesn't get any better than this.
262
00:21:51,233 --> 00:21:54,800
Who's that ridin' across the plain?
263
00:21:54,867 --> 00:21:56,367
Who's lost count of the wives
264
00:21:56,433 --> 00:21:58,567
-He's slain?
-Slain?
265
00:21:58,633 --> 00:22:02,433
Who is the man who's plum insane?
266
00:22:02,500 --> 00:22:05,900
Psycho Dad
Psycho Dad
267
00:22:05,967 --> 00:22:08,967
Psycho Dad!
21308
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