Original subtitles

You wouldn't know this, but it's tough out there...

...for those of us without a couch growing out of our butt.

A fat woman Godzilla's into the shoe store today...

...asks for something she could wear to walk in the woods.

Jokingly, I suggest she wear a sign that says:

"Don't shoot. From the front I look human."

You'd think a woman could take a little good-humored teasing...

...but what does she do?

Complains to the owner, gets a gift certificate...

...for $200 worth of free shoes.

And you know whose pay check that's gonna come out of.

-Kelly's? -Damn right...

...if I could find out where she hides her purse.

Now for something I wanna look at.

And now on Fox.

It's the new adventures of Psycho Dad.

-Oh, no. -Oh, yes.

-Who is the tall dark stranger there? -There

The one with the gun And the icy stare

The one with the scalp Of his ex-wife's hair

-Psycho Dad -Psycho Dad

-Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad -Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad

He's a durn good pa But he hates the law

-Chopping Reno to eat it raw -Raw

-Psycho Dad! -Psycho Dad!

Now with less violence, but more kinky sex and nudity...

...for a cleaner and saner America.

Oh, Peg, I'm so excited.

Al, I hate Psycho Dad. Can't we just--?

There's nothing in heaven and earth...

...that will stop me from watching Psycho Dad.

So this God person, what do you think she looks like?

Hey, it smells like something's cooking in here.

Our TV set blew up.

"Buy a second-hand TV," you said.

"For 10 bucks you can't go wrong," you said.

Well, now look. Twenty years later and the damn thing's broken.

Al, what is the big deal? Just go out and buy a new one.

We'll just buy a new one. Well, spank my bottom, why didn't I think of that.

Hello, Wally's World of free TVs?

What do you have on sale today for absolutely nothing?

Guys, I got a solution...

...though God knows it's not for all your problems.

They have tryouts for a new game show called Touchdown Trivia.

First prize is $10,000 and there's no one who knows more about sports...

...or is more trivial than you, Al.

$10,000? With that, I could buy a big screen...

...a satellite dish, have money left...

...to change the locks in the house and watch all this in peace.

I'm going to those auditions.

-Don't wait up for me. -I wasn't going to.

I was talking to Jefferson.

First, let me congratulate you on passing the written test.

For the finals, we'll play a simulated game of sports trivia...

...both national and local.

-Any questions? -I'd like to know--

Yeah, places please.

Now we will introduce our host, Travis James.

Man, I hate rehearsals. Let's go, let's go, let's go.

First contestant is Al Bundy.

Yes, Travis. I was born--

Then we go to our second contestant, Max Weinberg.

Max-- That's short for--

Nothing. Fine. Okay.

-Our third contestant is Mike McKenzy. -Hi, Travis.

Don't speak to me, Mike. It's just a rehearsal, okay?

Now it's time for Touchdown Trivia.

Okay, contestants...

...we're all familiar with the famous running back O.J. Simpson.

For five yards, what do the initials O.J. stand for?

-Al. -Orenthal James.

That's correct!

Eat my dust.

Okay, the second question. What was the World Bowl?

-Al. -Title game of the now defunct...

...World Football League. Travis, excuse me.

Do you want me to rush...

...or you want me to pretend that I have to think about these?

Here's a 10-yard question. What occupational oddity is shared...

...by Henry Aaron, Willie Mays and Babe Ruth?

-Mike. -They're all baseball players.

Been in this country long, Mike? Be a little more specific, please.

-Max. -All Hall of Fame baseball players.

Dress a Barbie, Max.

Let a real man answer this.

They all started and ended their careers in the same city...

-...but for different teams. -That is correct.

Next question. Can you name one of two women golfers to win--? Max.

-Mickey Wright. -Correct.

Women's golf is not a sport.

Neither is spitting for distance.

But it can be.

Women's golf.

All right, next question. What famous Native American midget wrestler--?

-Al. -Sky Low Low.

That's correct.

Okay, Mr. Bundy, our final question pertains to a local sporting event.

What high school has won the most city championships in baseball?

-The O'Leary Bucket Kickers. -Correct.

Congratulations to have mastered that amount of sports knowledge...

...I can only assume you have absolutely no life.

None whatsoever, Travis.

By the way, when do you guys want me to come back for the real thing?

Well, gee, I'm sorry, Mr. Bundy, we won't be having you back at all.

What? Well, how come? I won.

Well, according to our researchers, you scored extremely low in personality.

Oh, how--? How low?

Well, let me put it to you this way. It was somewhere between Joe Piscopo...

...and the fat kid who played on Head of the Class.

Look, you know what? If I liked you at all, I'd really be sorry.

Well, but wait a second. You can't do this to me. I'm a legend.

I scored four touchdowns in one game at Polk High.

Four touchdowns in high school football.

Wow.

Look, Mr. Bundy, we're looking for people...

...that are young, smart and energetic.

Or if you really want to be a shoe-in, someone with sex appeal.

I can't go on a sports-trivia show. I don't know anything about sports.

Well, so you went to class every day, you don't know anything about school.

Oh, yeah? Then how come they gave me a thing?

-A diploma? -Yeah.

Because you tried. Sweetheart, please.

It's for a new TV.

Come on. I'll tell you what, I'll order the cartoon channel for you.

Okay.

I'll go upstairs and call in sick for today. My boss isn't gonna like it...

...but at least somebody's appreciating me for my mind.

It's the basement.

Bud, now listen, you've helped Kelly with her schoolwork.

Tell me, is she capable of, you know, anything?

Oh, sure. You just gotta work within her limitations.

Kelly's brain....

Kelly's brain...

...can hold anything.

You just gotta make sure of two things before you start.

One, that it's totally empty.

Well, we know that.

And two, you gotta feed her information slowly.

A drop at a time until she's full.

Full?

Oh, yeah. Kelly's brain can actually get full.

Then you gotta be really careful...

...because each new fact after that will totally replace an old one.

That's how come she forgot to put on a blouse the day she took her driver's test.

No wonder why her license expires every 60 days.

Daddy, they said okay. What do I have to do?

All right. Good, sweetheart. First, tell me everything you know about sports.

I know that you scored four touchdowns in one game for Polk High.

Very good. What else?

Golf spelled backwards is flog.

All right. I thought this was gonna take a long time.

Don't worry. You just sit down right here.

In 48 hours, you're gonna know so much about sports...

...you're gonna be like the son I always wanted.

And now on to yachting.

Daddy?

I'm full.

Thank God.

Well, we've got two hours to catch up on our sleep.

Now, don't learn anything new until this game show is over.

How am I supposed to do that?

Follow your mother around.

Welcome to Touchdown Trivia.

Here's the star of our show, Travis James.

Okay. Okay, I know we're anxious to win some money...

...so let's get started, shall we? Our first question in Touchdown Trivia:

What national league batter set the all-time record for strikeouts...

...in a single season despite batting over .300?

-Mike. -Bobby Bonds.

One hundred and 89 strikeouts in 1970.

-That's correct. -Yes.

Hey, my buzzer didn't work.

You've gotta squeeze the buzzer, honey, don-- Don't jerk it.

Thanks. I learned something.

Gee, so did I.

Oh, no, Peg. Travis put a thought into Kelly's head.

That means she lost a fact.

For another five yards. What national hockey league team...

...won only one game in franchise history?

-Kelly. -Montreal Wanderers, 1917.

Won their opener, lost five, their stadium burned.

Absolutely correct.

Yes.

All right, our next question is in professional basketball.

In the NBA, who had the highest percentage...

...of free throws in a single season?

-Kelly. -Calvin Murphy...

...of the Houston Rockets with a whopping 95.8 percent.

Right again.

Now for 10 yards. What do Karl Marx, Bob Dylan...

...and heavyweight champion Sonny Liston have in common?

-Tony. -They're all communists.

No, that's not what we're looking for.

Mike.

Mamie Van Doren.

Judges?

No, I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Kelly.

They're all on the cover of the Beatles' Sgt. Pepper album.

Slide that head.

Oh, baby, you're getting some tonight.

Now before we continue, let's meet our contestants.

-Oh, no. -What's wrong?

Travis might ask a question...

...or worse, tell her something she doesn't know. She'll lose another fact.

-Our first contestant-- -I'm from Young--

--is Kelly Bundy, a poison disseminator from right here in Chicago.

-So tell me, Ms. Bundy-- -She's married.

Okay, that's enough chitchat, let's get back to our game.

Okay, contestants, you're all even with 10 yards to go.

You all have a chance at the big money.

This is for all the marbles. The big enchilada.

Here's the question.

Who led the Chicago Bulls in scoring six straight--

-Tony. -Michael Jordan.

No, no, that's incorrect.

Let me finish the question.

Who led the Chicago Bulls in scoring six straight seasons in the '70s?

-Kelly. -Bob "Butterbean" Love.

For 10 yards, that's correct for the game.

She did it. She did it.

Oh, Al, can I have some tomorrow night too?

Not if I get that TV.

Now, Kelly, as you know, our bonus question is always in local sports.

You have $1000 that you can keep...

...but if not, you can go for the run back question...

...and a chance at a check for $10,000.

-Let's rock. -Okay.

Al, aren't you afraid they're gonna ask her the one fact she lost?

What are the odds of that?

I taught her more local stuff than national, Peg. We can't lose.

Okay, Kelly, for $10,000.

In local high school football...

...who scored four touchdowns in one game...

...for Polk High School in the Chicago City Championship?

Excuse me while I kiss the sky.

-Al? -This proves a personal theory of mine.

The longer you suffer, the greater the rewards.

That's how the gods work.

Then why won't the gods let her answer?

Polk High?

Four touchdowns?

Red squeeze buzzer?

Oh, I'm sorry, Kelly.

The correct answer was, audience?

Al Bundy!

You won't go empty-handed...

...we have plenty of consolation prizes for you...

...and thanks for playing Touchdown Trivia.

Al?

Yes, Peg.

Am I still getting some?

No, Peg.

In fact, when we get home, I just might take some back.

Well, it's not 10 grand, but a new TV's not a bad consolation prize.

So you mean I did good?

No.

Oh, come on, Al. You're proud of her. Now admit it.

Well, you did your best, pumpkin, so, yeah, I'm proud of you.

Can we watch something on the new TV?

Sure, son.

You know, it doesn't get any better than this.

Who's that ridin' across the plain?

Who's lost count of the wives

-He's slain? -Slain?

Who is the man who's plum insane?

Psycho Dad Psycho Dad

Psycho Dad!