Original subtitles

LOVE AND MARRIAGE

LOVE AND MARRIAGE

GO TOGETHER LIKE A HORSE AND CARRIAGE

THIS I TELL YA, BROTHER

YOU CAN'T HAVE ONE

WITHOUT THE OTHER

LOVE AND MARRIAGE

LOVE AND MARRIAGE

IT'S AN INSTITUTE YOU CAN'T DISPARAGE

ASK THE LOCAL GENTRY

AND THEY WILL SAY IT'S ELEMENTARY

TRY, TRY, TRY TO SEPARATE THEM

IT'S AN ILLUSION

TRY, TRY, TRY AND YOU WILL ONLY COME

TO THIS CONCLUSION

LOVE AND MARRIAGE

GREAT SANDWICH, MOM.

BE GRATEFUL TO OUR LATE AUNT STUMPY

FOR LEAVING US HER REFRIGERATOR FULL OF FOOD.

SHE DIDN'T EXACTLY LEAVE IT TO US.

WE TOOK IT OFF THE BACK PORCH

WHILE EVERYONE ELSE WAS AT THE FUNERAL.

DON'T YOU THINK WE SHOULD TELL DAD ABOUT THE FRIDGE?

NO. I'M SURE HE MADE OUT FINE.

IT WAS AN OPEN CASKET.

HE PROBABLY GOT THE WATCH.

REFRIGERATOR'S HIDDEN IN THE GARAGE.

DAD'LL NEVER KNOW IT'S THERE.

IT'S CONCEALED SO WELL,

EVEN A CLEVER MAN COULDN'T FIND IT.

I HATE THOSE COMPLAINT BOXES AT THE MALL.

A WOMAN COMES IN THE SHOE STORE TODAY,

SO HUGE SHE'S PROTECTED BY GREENPEACE,

AND ASKS FOR A SIZE 4 SHOE.

SO I ASK HER IF SHE WANTS TO EAT THEM THERE

OR TAKE THEM HOME,

AND SHE HAS THE NERVE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT MY PERFORMANCE.

HONEY, I COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PERFORMANCE ALL THE TIME.

YOU DON'T CARE.

SOMETIMES YOU DON'T EVEN WAKE UP.

UNLIKE SEX WITH YOU, THIS IS IMPORTANT TO ME.

THE MALL MANAGER IS THREATENING

TO TAKE AWAY THE ONLY JOY I HAVE AT WORK.

THEY'RE SHUTTING OFF THE PLUMBING?

THE OTHER JOY.

THEY'RE THREATENING TO TAKE AWAY MY PARKING SPACE,

THE ONE THAT'S CLOSER THAN ALL THE OTHER EMPLOYEES'

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN THERE THE LONGEST.

SO YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK AN EXTRA HALF MILE.

IT WON'T KILL YOU.

OH, NO, PEG. IT WON'T KILL ME.

THAT'S YOUR JOB.

BUT I EARNED THAT PARKING SPOT.

IT'S MINE.

I STARTED AT THE END OF THE LOT BY THE STREET,

WHERE IT HELPS TO SPEAK SPANISH.

10 YEARS LATER, OR SHOULD I SAY DIEZ ANOS,

THEY FINALLY PUT MY NAME ON THE BEST SPOT,

"AL BUDNY."

I WAS SO HAPPY.

BUT NOW, IF I INSULT ONE MORE WOMAN

BEFORE THE END OF THE MONTH,

THEY'LL TAKE MY SPOT AWAY.

JUST CALL IN SICK FOR THE NEXT 27 DAYS.

OH NO, NO NO.

WE CAN'T AFFORD THAT.

THEN THEY'D DOCK HIS PAY, AND

WE'D BE OUT HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS OF LOOSE CHANGE.

I WON'T GIVE UP MY PARKING SPACE WITHOUT A FIGHT!

ANYONE CAN GO THREE WEEKS

WITHOUT INSULTING A WOMAN.

I'LL BET $5.00 YOU CAN'T.

I WILL TAKE THAT BET,

YOU BONBON-BINGEING BOZO!

MR. BUNDY, SINCE YOU LOSE YOUR PARKING SPOT

IF YOU GET ONE MORE COMPLAINT,

MAYBE I SHOULD HANDLE OUR WOMEN CUSTOMERS.

IT'S NOT NECESSARY, AARON.

I'M BEING NICE TO WOMEN

FOR THE NEXT THREE WEEKS.

NO ONE ON GOD'S FOUL EARTH

WILL COME BETWEEN ME AND MY SLAB OF TAR.

DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO DO?

ALL RIGHT.

HI, AL.

PEGGY TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR LITTLE COMPLAINT PROBLEM.

THERE'S NO PROBLEM.

I'M STILL UNDER MY QUOTA.

OH, THAT'S VERY GOOD.

OF COURSE, I DON'T SEE ANY CUSTOMERS HERE YET.

NOPE. NO ONE HERE BUT US CHICKENS.

ACTUALLY, I WAS JUST ON MY WAY BACK FROM THE SUPERMARKET.

IT SEEMS I WAS ALL OUT OF...EGGS.

SOME OF THE GIRLS

ARE GOING TO BE STOPPING BY LATER

FOR WHAT I GUESS YOU COULD CALL A HEN PARTY.

OH, COME ON, AL.

YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T KEEP THIS UP ALL MONTH.

EVENTUALLY, SOME POOR, CALORICALLY CHALLENGED WOMAN

IS GOING TO COME THROUGH THOSE DOORS,

AND YOU'RE GOING TO INSULT HER

BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW THE FIRST THING

ABOUT POLITICALLY CORRECT BEHAVIOR.

WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO

WITH OBNOXIOUS FAT WOMEN?

TODAY'S OBESE WOMAN SIMPLY FEELS

THAT IT'S HER RIGHT TO BE HEAVY

AND DOESN'T WANT TO BE INSULTED.

SO, WHEN SOME MOO-COW THUNDERS IN HERE

WITH A PIE UNDER EACH CHIN...

I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO ASK

IF THAT'S THE STAR SPANGLED BANNERSHE'S BELCHING

SO I'LL KNOW WHETHER TO SIT OR STAND?

ALL I'M SAYING...

OH, YE OF LITTLE DEODORANT,

IS THAT YOU MUST LEARN TO TREAT ALL PEOPLE THE SAME.

EVERYONE?

EVERYONE.

EVEN MIDGETS?

EVERYONE, YOU WIENERHEAD.

NOW...

I WOULD REALLY LOVE TO STAY

AND SEE YOU GO DOWN FOR THE THIRD TIME,

BUT I HAVE TO GET HOME.

I, UH, PROMISED JEFFERSON...

I'D COOK HIM A FRYER FOR DINNER.

EW.

I SO WANTED IT TO BE ME.

THAT WAS CLOSE.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS ONE.

GO IN THE BACK ROOM

AND DO WHATEVER IT IS YOU DO FOR HOURS ON END.

IT'S CALLED INVENTORY.

YOU CALL IT WHATEVER YOU WANT TO.

UH, EXCUSE ME, MADAM. HOW MAY I SERVE YOU?

DO YOU HAVE THIS IN AN 8 DOUBLE-A?

LET ME CHECK.

HURRY. I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.

EXCUSE ME, MISS...

ARE YOU SITTING ON SOMEONE?

WHAT?

OH, OH, NO. I'M SORRY. EXCUSE ME. UH...

HOW MAY I SERVE YOU?

HOW DO YOU THINK THIS WOULD LOOK ON ME?

I WEAR A SIZE 4.

I HAVE TINY TOES, DON'T YOU THINK?

OH, YES, INDEED.

FOR SAUSAGES.

SAUSAGES.

SAUSAGES.

SAUSAGES.

SAUSAGES.

NOW, BEFORE WE GET TO THE MAIN TOPIC OF TONIGHT'S MEETING,

WHICH IS WHAT IS THIS COUNTRY COMING TO

WHEN A MAN CAN'T SPEAK FREELY

WITHOUT LOSING HIS PARKING SPACE,

WE'LL HEAR THE MINUTES OF OUR LAST MEETING.

JEFFERSON.

THANK YOU. AHEM.

THE MEETING WAS CALLED TO ORDER AT 8:00.

WE DISCUSSED PROS AND CONS

OF THE SINGLE URINAL VERSUS THE TROUGH.

AT 8:15, WE VOTED ON WHETHER OR NOT

WE'D RATHER DO ANN-MARGRET OR ALAN ARKIN.

UH...

THAT SHOULD BE ELLEN BARKIN.

DAD'S IN THE GARAGE WITH HIS FRIENDS.

HOW DO WE GET TO OUR REFRIGERATOR?

ARE THEY ALL MEN?

YEAH.

NO PROBLEM.

YOU SEE, THERE ARE SEVERAL GENETIC FLAWS IN ALL MEN

THAT CAN BE ACTED ON

FOR REASONS OF DISTRACTION.

I SHALL DEMONSTRATE THE STRANGEST ONE.

OOPS.

I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU GUYS WERE IN HERE.

OH, LOOK...

A FOOTBALL.

OH! OH!

OOH!

HUT HUT HUT.

HA HA!

OH, WELL. COME ON.

WE HAVE IMPORTANT BUSINESS TO DISCUSS.

NOW.

NOW, AS YOU KNOW,

I LOST MY BELOVED PARKING SPACE

JUST BECAUSE I CHOSE TO SPEAK MY MIND.

TODAY, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WRITE

TO THE ORGANIZATION OF BALD PEOPLE

JUST TO ASK PERMISSION TO CALL THEM CHROME-DOMES!

THEN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FAX THE FATSO SOCIETY

AND ASK PERMISSION TO ASSIGN ZIP CODES TO EACH THIGH!

EXCUSE ME, DAD.

I JUST THOUGHT YOU GUYS

MIGHT WANT TO SEE THIS PAPER AIRPLANE I MADE.

WE'VE ALL SEEN A PAPER AIRPLANE BEFORE.

MADE OUT OF MISS JANUARY?

OH! OH!

HEY...

BOY. WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF.

HEY, HEY, HEY, ROGER.

THIS LOOKS LIKE YOUR WIFE.

YOU THINK SO?

OH. OH, I'M SORRY.

I WAS LOOKING AT THIS PICTURE

OF DICK BUTKUS ON THE BACK.

COME ON, GUYS. WE'RE IN A MEETING HERE.

HE'S RIGHT.

WE'VE GOT WORK TO DO.

NOW...

WHAT WE NEED TO DO

IS TO FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN TELL US

HOW TO FIGHT THIS INSANITY.

THAT'S RIGHT. WE NEED A MAN'S MAN.

RIGHT. SOMEONE WHO'S ALWAYS CALLED HIS OWN SHOTS.

A LEADER TO LEAD US THROUGH THE NINETIES.

A MAN AMONG MEN.

IRONHEAD HAYNES!

WHO'S IRONHEAD HAYNES?

THE GRUFFEST, TOUGHEST MAN

TO EVER GRADUATE FROM POLK HIGH.

HE HAD A BEARD IN THE SEVENTH GRADE...

AND A WIFE.

TOOK OUT HIS OWN APPENDIX WITH A POCKET FISHERMAN.

COULD'VE BEEN A GREAT FOOTBALL PLAYER FOR POLK HIGH,

BUT HE REFUSED TO TAKE OFF HIS SPURS.

HE WORE BOOTS TO PLAY FOOTBALL?

NO BOOTS...

JUST SPURS.

WELL, YOU KNOW, THEY CAN'T ALL

BE FOOTBALL STARS LIKE WE WERE.

OR CHEERLEADERS LIKE I WAS.

HEY, I DID SOME VERY DANGEROUS FLIPS.

AND I, UH...

I HELPED FIRE THE CANNON AFTER EACH TOUCHDOWN.

WAS THAT YOU?

REALLY NEAT.

THAT WAS-- THAT WAS--WOW!

WHERE CAN WE FIND IRONHEAD HAYNES?

RUMOR HAS IT HE LIVES ALONE

ON TOP OF THE HIGHEST MOUNTAIN

IN ILLINOIS.

THEN WE'LL GO TOMORROW AND SEEK HIS GUIDANCE.

YEAH. YEAH.

AL! I NEED SOMEONE

TO MOVE THE CLOTHES DRYER AWAY FROM THE WALL!

COMING, DEAR.

WE'RE OUT OF HERE.

HEY, WAIT A SECOND!

WE DON'T HAVE ANY CLOTHES DRYER.

UH...DID I SAY CLOTHES DRYER?

I MEANT TAKE OUT THE TRASH.

HEY. WAIT. LOOK...

HOW DO WE KNOW IRONHEAD HAYNES IS EVEN UP THERE?

YEAH. THIS LEGEND COULD JUST BE MADE UP.

THAT'S TRUE, AL.

HE COULD BE AS PHONY

AS YOUR WIFE'S HAIR COLOR.

OR AS REAL AS YOUR WIFE'S HAIR COLOR.

I KNOW IT'S REAL,

'CAUSE IT MATCHES HER MUSTACHE!

OK, OK. COME ON! COME ON!

LOOK, GUYS...

ARE WE GOING ON OR NOT?

OF COURSE WE'RE GOING ON.

NAME ONE GOOD REASON WHY WE SHOULDN'T!

WELL, I'M GOING ON.

YEAH, WELL, I'M...

STAYING HERE.

WE'LL SEE YOU WHEN YOU GET BACK.

YEAH, HAVE A NICE TRIP.

THANK YOU...

CANDY ASSES.

OH, WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS,

BUT I'M NO CANDY ASS.

WELL, THINK WE'LL EVER SEE HIM AGAIN?

IT'S HARD TO SAY.

THIS MOUNTAIN HAS KILLED BEFORE.

IT COULD KILL AGAIN.

TRAIL MIX, ANYONE?

YEAH. YEAH.

UGH!

UGH!

WELL, YOU MUST BE IRONHEAD HAYNES.

YEP. AND YOU MUST BE SOME IDIOT

THAT DON'T KNOW THERE'S A ROAD

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS MOUNTAIN.

AL BUNDY, POLK HIGH.

I BROUGHT YOU SOME GIFTS.

ME AND MY BUDDIES

WANTED TO GIVE YOU A TOKEN OF OUR ESTEEM.

IN HERE I GOT SOME BEER NUTS,

AND THERE'S A TIRE GAUGE,

AND HERE'S THE FOOTBALL

THAT I SCORED MY FIRST TOUCHDOWN WITH AT POLK HIGH,

SO GO OUT. GO OUT.

READY? READY?

IT'S NOT MY GAME.

OH. WELL, THEN, UH...

THE--THE BEER NUTS CAN BE FROM ME.

OH, AND, HERE'S SOMETHING.

JEFFERSON DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO GET YOU,

SO HE GOT YOU A SILK SHIRT.

I NEVER HAD ONE OF THESE BEFORE.

AH...

AH-CHOO!

THAT'S NOT BAD.

NOW, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

WELL, IRONHEAD, THINGS HAVE GOTTEN PRETTY ROUGH

FOR US FREE-THINKERS BACK IN CIVILIZATION--

OLD PEOPLE GETTING MAD IF YOU CALL THEM OLD,

FOREIGN PEOPLE GETTING MAD

IF YOU TELL THEM TO GO HOME.

YOU'D BE SURPRISED, THE SLIGHTEST THING

WILL SET A GIMP OFF THESE DAYS.

I SUPPOSE THAT'S WHY YOU MOVED UP HERE.

NO, I MOVED UP HERE

TO GET IN TOUCH WITH MY FEMININE SIDE.

I'M KIDDING.

I'M JUST TEASING.

OH, WELL, UNFORTUNATELY,

MANY CAN'T MOVE TO A MOUNTAIN

BECAUSE, UH, THEY'RE MARRIED TO ONE,

BUT, UH, WE NEED YOUR WISDOM

TO HELP GUIDE US THROUGH OUR DAILY HELL.

TELL US WHAT YOU BELIEVE.

WELL, I BELIEVE THAT WHEN YOU GOT TO SPIT,

YOU GOT TO SPIT,

AND RIGHT NOW I GOT TO SPIT.

OH, THIS IS GOOD STUFF.

AND I BELIEVE THAT EVERYBODY THAT'S GOT MORE MONEY

THAN THEY CAN HOLD IN BOTH HANDS

OUGHT TO GIVE IT TO ME.

I BELIEVE THAT ALL ANIMALS WERE PUT ON THIS EARTH

TO MAKE FACES AT ME.

AND I REALLY BELIEVE

THAT DAMN DOCTOR DIDN'T HAVE TO PUT THIS PLATE IN MY HEAD.

WELL, YOU KNOW...

DOCTOR KNOWS BEST,

BUT--BUT TELL US,

WHAT CAN WE DO TO FIGHT BACK?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE THIS SONG WILL SAY IT THE BEST.

NOTHING

THAT...

THAT'S IT?

THAT-- THAT'S THE MESSAGE?

THAT'S IT.

YOU KNOW, MEN LIKE US ARE DINOSAURS--

REAL, LIVE, DEAD DINOSAURS.

I GOT BUDDIES WAITING FOR YOU

TO GIVE US A PLAN OF ACTION.

MY FOOTBALL.

I CAN'T JUST TELL THEM IT'S ALL OVER!

THAT LIFE AS WE KNOW IT IS GONE

AND WON'T BE LIKE THIS AGAIN.

WELL, IF IT ISN'T MR. SUNSHINE.

THE ONLY PROBLEM WITH BEING A DINOSAUR

IS THERE'S NO FUTURE IN IT,

BUT THERE'S ONE HELL OF A PAST.

YOU NEED TO ACT LIKE THE MIGHTY TYRANNOSAURUS

AND LEAVE DEEP PRINTS.

LEAVE...

DEEP...

PRINTS.

THAT'S IT.

LET 'EM KNOW THAT YOU'VE BEEN THERE.

I GOT IT!

OH, WAIT A SECOND.

WHAT IF MY BUDDIES DON'T BELIEVE I MET YOU?

CAN YOU GIVE ME SOMETHING

TO PROVE THAT WE MET?

WELL...

HOW ABOUT THAT SACK OF FLOUR?

WELL...

ANYTHING WITHOUT MEALY BUGS IN IT?

I GUESS THAT LEAVES MY BEARD OUT.

ALL I GOT LEFT IS THIS GUITAR

THAT MY DEARLY BELOVED

DEPARTED GRANDMOTHER LEFT ME

AND MY VICTORIA'S SECRET CATALOG.

HERE.

I CAN'T GIVE UP MY SOCIAL LIFE.

WELL...

THANK YOU, IRONHEAD.

AND I'LL SEE TO IT THAT YOUR LEGEND LIVES ON.

YOU'RE STILL MY IDOL

BECAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID OF NOTHING.

WELL, NOW, THAT'S NOT NECESSARILY TRUE.

I'M DEATHLY AFRAID OF MAGNETS.

IF A BIG ONE WAS TO ROLL BY HERE NOW,

MY HEAD IS HISTORY.

I SUGGEST YOU GET BACK DOWN THAT MOUNTAIN

IN A HURRY.

WHY? IS IT GOING TO RAIN?

NO, BUT I DO FEEL ANOTHER SPIT COMING ON.

YOU THINK SOMETHING HORRIBLE'S HAPPENED TO AL?

WHY WOULD YOU SAY SUCH A TERRIBLE THING?

WELL, 'CAUSE IF HE'S DEAD,

WE CAN EAT HIS CROISSANT.

HE'S DEAD.

GIVE ME THAT.

DON'T EAT THE CROISSANT!

AL...

I-IS THAT YOU?

IT IS I.

I HAVE COME FROM IRONHEAD HAYNES...

WITH WORDS FOR HARD-WORKING PEOPLE

WHO DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS

ABOUT POLITICAL CORRECTNESS.

RULE NUMBER 1--

IT'S OK TO CALL HOOTERS KNOCKERS

AND SOMETIMES SNACK TRAYS.

RULE 2--

IT IS WRONG TO BE FRENCH.

RULE 3--

IT IS OK TO PUT ALL BAD PEOPLE

IN A GIANT MEAT GRINDER.

RULE 4--

LAWYERS.

SEE RULE 3.

IT IS OK TO DRIVE A GAS GUZZLER

IF IT HELPS YOU GET BABES.

EVERYONE SHOULD CAR POOL

EXCEPT ME.

BRING BACK THE WORD "STEWARDESSES."

SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING IS NOT A SPORT.

MUD WRESTLING IS A SPORT.

THOSE ARE YOUR 10 COMMANDMENTS.

BUT, AL, THAT'S ONLY NINE.

THOSE ARE YOUR NINE COMMANDMENTS.

I CAN LIVE WITH THAT.

LET'S ALL GO BACK AND SPREAD THE WORD

AND HELP AL GET WHAT APPEARS TO BE FLOUR

OUT OF HIS HAIR.

IT'S STUPID TO START BACK NOW.

IT'LL BE PITCH BLACK BEFORE WE REACH BOTTOM.

IF WE STAY HERE,

WE BETTER KEEP THIS FIRE GOING.

ANYBODY HAVE ANYTHING WE CAN THROW IN?

ALL I HAVE IS MY VICTORIA'S SECRET CATALOG.

ME, TOO.

ME, TOO.

WELL...

THEN ALL WE HAVE IS THESE...

OR THESE SACRED COMMANDMENTS.

SINNERS!

BLASPHEMERS!

HEATHENS! SINNERS!

HOOTERS.