Original subtitles

PEST BOYS EXTERMINATION CO.

Hi, I'm the Verminator.

And guess what I've got for you?

Show can.

Okay.

That's "spray can," you spokes-idiot!

I knew that.

Anyway, we've got a brand new poison and we like to call it...

...Springtime in Baghdad.

How new is it? It's so new that it hasn't even been tested...

...on unsuspecting American citizens yet.

Just one spray of this, on your dog or cat...

...and they'll never have fleas again.

And to prove it, I have volunteered my dog or cat, Buck...

...to demonstrate.

Are you ready, boy?

Help me.

Here we go.

Isn't this great, Buck?

And you didn't wanna do it.

Yeah, this is great.

I look like Oprah after she dropped the weight.

Hi, Peggy.

Now, I don't want to rub this in...

...because you're poor and married to Al which is, of course, redundant.

But guess what? I'm rich!

Rich? Well, how'd you do that?

-Maybe I could do it too. -I worked for it.

You see, Trans-Mexican Motors...

...has been looking for a place to build their new car, the Haguar GT...

...and I found them a piece of property right next to Polk High School.

It is a four hundred million-dollar deal and I get a finder's fee.

How much is that?

One point three million dollars.

Plus a brand new Haguar for each of us.

Don't think this is going to change us.

No. We'll still be the same humble people we always were.

Just in a better part of town.

Oh, yeah. I forgot to tell you. We're moving!

And we just came by to tell you how sorry we are about leaving!

Jefferson! This is the happiest day of my life!

Isn't this a great country?

This country sucks, Peg!

And I'll tell you why.

We're giving it away faster than we can take it from other people.

I was driving by Polk High today to catch a glimpse of the scoreboard...

...which once proclaimed my glory and fight with the homeless for nickels...

...and guess what sign I saw on the school fence.

"Life, 50, Al, zero"?

Hey, Marcie, I see they drink a lot at Zippy Cuts.

The sign said "Future home of the Haguar"...

...which means, Peg...

...they will be building automobiles on the football field...

...where I scored four touchdowns in a single game.

Where pert cheerleaders in stuffed bras and short miniskirts...

...used to sing, "One, two, four, three, Give the ball to Al Bundy."

This is madness, I say! How could this have happened?

Two town meetings...

...a suitcase full of unmarked bills and it's pretty much a done deal.

-You were involved? -I was.

Well, you're not going to get away with this.

If it's a war you want, it's a war you'll get.

But you and your fellow Haguaites should know one thing:

Al is the first word in "Alamo."

Al, we lost the Alamo.

Peg, nobody remembers that.

Peg, nobody remembers that.

PEST BOYS EXTERMINATION CO.

Hi. Verminator here again.

Now, a few of you viewers have expressed concern...

...over alleged side effects of our new bug poison:

Springtime in Baghdad. Now with pepsin.

I'm here to tell you that these allegations of genetic mutations...

...are completely false, and to prove it, my brother Bud here...

...who I love like a brother...

...has graciously volunteered to be sprayed directly...

...in the kisser with this stuff.

Are you ready, Bud?

I'll kill you--

See, he can't wait.

Let's do it.

You were great, Bud.

People are gonna recognize you wherever you go.

Come on, Ma, tell the truth.

You think these'll turn girls off?

Oh, come on, honey.

Don't let a little thing like a couple of breasts get you down.

It's not like they're permanent.

I mean, it's been a whole week and look how much better Buck is getting.

I sure hope this crap wears off before Thanksgiving.

Well, maybe you're right, Ma.

I'll just hide for a while.

It's not like I had any plans this week.

Hi, Bud.

It's me, Sascha.

The girl you've wanted every day and night of your life since the first grade.

Well, I'm about to enter a convent...

...and I wanted to be with a real man...

...for my first...

...last...

...and only time.

Take me, Bud.

Take me now!

You caught me at a bad time.

Goodbye.

Where are you going?

To cop a feel and kill myself.

Hey, Mom.

Bud still have boobs?

Then I'll be sleeping at Cindy's. Where's Dad?

Oh, he's down at the City Council meeting.

You know, he's really steamed about them paving over his football field.

I just hope he doesn't make a testicle out of himself.

You mean spectacle, honey.

No, I mean testicle.

I'm used to the spectacle thing.

Let's just hope that if he'll make a fool of himself, he'll do it in his own home.

And on the lighter, more pitiful side of the news...

...self-proclaimed football legend Al Bundy is leading a protest...

...against the proposed trans-Mexican auto plant...

...by handcuffing himself to a goal post on his old high school playing field.

He has vowed to stay chained to this post...

...until the project is moved or, quote, "Marcie has lips."

What a testicle.

Bud, I'm glad you're here to share my moment of triumph.

You got someone working crowd control, Dad?

These things take time, son.

You think people came when Paul Revere rode nude...

...through the town yelling "The Beatles are coming"? No.

He had to chain himself to the old north wind and throw up in harbor first.

But like old Paul, you'll be reading about me someday.

Yeah, once Time-Life comes out with the "Great Idiot" series.

Anyway, I just came over because Mom was wondering if you wanted any food.

Did you bring me something?

No. She was just wondering.

Well, you tell your mother that my stomach is full of pride.

Pride and the bologna sandwich I ate a couple of weeks ago.

By the way, it's warm out here tonight. Why the coat?

I was just coming down with something.

-Chest cold? -No.

No. This coat just makes them sensitive.

Anyway, I'm glad you're here.

Help me pass out the rest of those flyers.

Take them to all the places old high school athletes hang out.

You mean like bars, unemployment offices and pie-eating contests?

Yes. And don't forget freeway underpasses.

Tell them to bring candles and a cheeseburger.

-Anything else? -Yes.

Take the keys to the handcuffs out of my back pocket so I'm not tempted.

Yeah, yeah.

Dad, you sure this protest thing is gonna work?

Son, I'm not sure of a lot of things in this life.

I'm not sure why I was born.

I'm not sure why you were born.

I'm also not sure of why I felt a pair of breasts on my back...

...when you took those keys out of my pocket.

But I am sure that this will work.

Tonight, fueled by the flames of 10,000 candles...

...and several cheeseburgers...

...I will be victorious!

I don't get it.

A great historical landmark is about to fall and no one turns out.

Let some moron hit an ice skater in the knee and a million reporters show up!

-Hi, Mr. Bundy. -Aaron.

I knew I could count on someone who played for Polk High.

-Well, I saw your flyers. -Good. Then Bud is doing his job.

He is, if you told him to stuff them in a trash can about a block from here.

All the guys are talking about it.

Great. What are they saying?

They hear Haguar pays $15.40 an hour plus medical. They're really psyched.

Doesn't anybody care about preserving our heritage?

Well, I thought selling out to the highest bidder was our heritage.

Not when it's our field! Why is no one here?

Wait a second. I know what the problem is.

I just realized, I chained myself to the visitors end of the field.

No one would ever recognize me down here.

Don't they change sides after halftime?

I never played after halftime!

We were always too far ahead.

Now, go get Bud and bring the keys back here. I wanna switch goal posts.

He gave the key to me.

-Good. Give it here. -Can't. I gave it to Kelly.

Why?

It was bright and shiny and she liked it.

Go get her, bring her back here, and hurry.

I have to go to the bathroom.

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

Well, what was I thinking?

Have a Big Gulp, then chain myself to the goal post.

Good move, Al.

Oh, no one's around. Maybe if I-- Maybe if I hurry.

PEST BOYS EXTERMINATION CO.

Hi, Daddy. Guess what?

My dreams of having a daughter with her own insect car finally come true?

You guessed. It's called the bug-mobile and the company said...

-...that I could take it whenever I want. -That's great, sweetheart.

-Could you unlock me now, please? -Wait. First...

...guess where I went today?

-The moon? -Better.

The Chicago Institute of Bugs and Vermin.

They've some of the rarest and most dangerous bugs in the world.

Like, take these African Ping Beetles here.

There's only six of them in the world. It's a good thing...

...because one bite will nuke your entire metabolic system.

Could you back the jar up a little bit?

Don't worry about it, Daddy.

I made sure before I took them that I made the holes too small for any--

What?

Did I say six? I guess I meant five.

-So how was your day? -Oh, just a typical day.

Didn't sell any shoes, didn't get to pee, you know.

Could you please unlock me now?

-Oh, no. -Don't get mad, okay?

Before the museum, I went to the railroad tracks...

...with my friends and they were putting pennies on the tracks...

...and watching them get squished...

...but I didn't do that, because you told me never to waste money.

But a key isn't money, is it, sweetheart?

No!

Look.

It's kind of awesome when you think about it, huh?

The pressure it took to do this.

But how am I gonna get out of here now?

I thought about that too.

All we have to do is take the lock...

...put it on the tracks and squish that too...

...and the key should fit.

I have a better idea, sweetheart.

Since the lock is attached to the goal post...

...why don't you go down, stand on the railroad tracks...

...and try to get them to bring the train over here?

Gotcha.

Oh, Daddy, one more thing.

If you see a brown bug with three sixes on its belly...

...that's the African Ping. It's very deadly.

So run for your life, okay? Bye.

Oh, well, one killer beetle loose in a city this size.

What are my odds of getting bit?

I mean, even my luck couldn't be that bad.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...announcing your all-time, all-pro America's dream team...

...quarterback Joe Namath, halfback Jim Brown...

...fullback Al Bundy!

Al Bundy! Al Bundy! Al Bundy!

-Al Bundy! -Al Bundy!

Al Bundy!

Oh, Marcie.

Thank God it's you.

I thought the goal post had grown unsightly stubble.

You know, I admire you, Al. I didn't think you'd last this long.

The groundbreaking is in a couple of hours. A squirming shoe salesman...

...under a bulldozer will not look good in the papers.

So we're prepared to make you an offer.

An offer? You mean money?

Al Bundy is not for sale.

I'm not standing here for myself alone...

...but for every guy that ever scored a touchdown.

Oh, look, a double cheeseburger with fries.

For every Dad that ever took his kid to a game.

For every man that ever married the wrong woman.

Is there bacon in there?

I don't even care if those are curly fries.

Are they curly fries?

Never mind! I stand fast.

If you want to build a factory here, you'll have to build it over me.

Alrighty.

Plow him under!

I'll always have my memories.

-What is the offer? -This burger.

Done.

Gee, Al, those insect bites look pretty nasty.

Insect bites?

Oh, thank God.

I thought they were hickeys from that bum over there.

I'll tell you what I'll do. Insofar as I'm moving out...

...and will never see you again, I'll take you to the hospital.

-You'd do that for me? -Sure. But I just had my car detailed...

...so climb in the trunk.

And in an ironic twist of fate, it took the near death...

...of plant protester/women's shoe salesman, Al Bundy...

...to halt the construction of the proposed Haguar plant...

...when it was determined that the bites covering his body...

...were caused by the rare and poisonous African Ping Beetle.

Though no one gave a damn about Mr. Bundy's protest...

...environmentalists insist that Polk field must now be protected...

...since this useless but endangered insect...

...has apparently established a colony there.

I can't believe it. I mean, how did these beetles get here from Africa anyway?

There's no way they could escape from the Institute of Bugs and Vermin...

...because that place is a fortress.

Plans for the Haguar factory have officially been moved to Canada...

...with a loss to this community of 21,000 jobs and millions of dollars.

The plant would have benefited every segment of the economy...

...from housing to shoe sales.

Truly this is a story with no winners. Only losers.