Original subtitles

♪ Love and Marriage

♪ Love and Marriage

♪ Go together like A horse and carriage

♪ This I tell ya, brother

♪ You can't have one

♪ Without the other

♪ Love and marriage

♪ Love and marriage

♪ It's an institute You can't disparage

♪ Ask the local gentry

♪ And they will say, It's elementary!

♪ Try, try, Try to separate them

♪ It's an illusion

♪ Try, try, Try and you will only

♪ Come to this conclusion

♪ Love and marriage

Look at her swinging back and forth.

The way the sunlight hits her skin.

I'd sure like to have that in my mouth.

Al, you are talking about a stupid apple

swinging from a tree.

You're missing the point, my little lust buster.

I didn't even know that was an apple tree.

I wonder why it suddenly decided to bloom.

I've got to quit eating out of that dumpster

behind the Mexican restaurant.

Honey, why don't you just go buy an apple?

Or at least pick that one.

It's ripe.

No, it isn't, Peg.

It says so right here

in Farmer Iggy's Almanac.

"Sow in summer, reap in fall,

"bury your wife when the wheat gets tall."

Oh, excuse me.

That's his chapter on "Taters and Love."

Does it say anything in there like,

"Plant your barley, plant your rye,

"sell a shoe before you die?"

No, Peg, it doesn't.

You must be confusing that with

Farmer Iggy's wife's book,

The Useless Crone's Almanac.

Pumpkin, pumpkin,

I want you to do me a favor.

Go to the hardware store and get Daddy some smudge pots.

What are smudge pots?

They keep your apples warm

so they don't get frozen.

You call them Marines.

Oh.

Son, I have an even more important job for you.

Go get me 50 pounds of manure.

Oh, and, bud,

I need a jumbo box of tampons.

And don't forget my 'roid cream.

Anybody need anything embarrassing

while I'm at it?

Suppositories.Suppositories.

I was just coming over to see you.

Oh, not right now.

I got to go somewhere.

Well, can I go with you?

No!

And don't follow me, either.

Well, Peg, I guess I'll go outside and be alone with my apple.

I'll just be here with my Oprah.

I wish my apple would grow as fast as your Oprah!

My husband pays too much attention to me.

He's always wanting sex. What should I do?

Send him over here.

Peg!

My apple's gone!

This neighborhood's going to hell.

First the double homicide, now this.

I think there might be a connection.

I think there's a serial harvester at work here.

Oh, Al, tell me you're not calling...

Police...

Well, at least don't tell them that you're...

Al Bundy, here.

I'd like to report a missing apple.

No, not some stupid computer.

I'm talking about a fruit.

I know it's not a donut,

but it's important to me.

He's transferring me

to the chief of stolen produce.

Hey, guys.

Hello. Who is this?

Lieutenant Granny Smith.

Hey, wait a second.

You sound like that Officer Jalopy

I talked to

when I called to report the Dodge missing.

Okay, that's it.

I'm calling the mayor.

Uh...who is the mayor?

McCheese.

Okay.

You're in trouble now, buddy.

I voted for him.

And they say you can't fight City Hall.

Where'd you get that apple?

Oh, it was in my yard,

and it tastes even better than it looks.

Ah, I don't want to spoil my appetite.

Hey, that was my apple.

It was in my yard.

It was on my tree.

But the limb was hanging over my property.

Excuse me.

You don't have any property.

Your wife has property, some of which is you.

Ah, this from a man who steals our paper,

takes our bottled water

and eats out of our bird feeder.

Well, I wouldn't do that

if you didn't put out those tasty pecans.

Jefferson, I was writing out a check to the workmen,

and I found there was only one check left

where 25 should be.

Uh...

Did they all look like, uh, this?

Yes.

I'll look into it.

Well, since you're both...

In a check-writing mood,

I'd like to be reimbursed for my apple.

Pay no attention to him.

The fence is on the property line.

The apple was on our side of the fence.

You can't go exactly by where the fence line is.

That fence was just thrown together with old boards and nails.

Peg, you remember

the slipshod way you built it.

Yes,

but at least the fence stayed up,

which is more than I can say for the foreman.

And to think I had a stake

and didn't drive it through your heart.

Jefferson, I'm suing you for damages.

Al, I'm suing you for mental stress.

Talk about mental stress.

Yeah.

How about the night your shade was up,

and I watched your wife undress?

Well, how about us

having to see your son soap himself?

Look, Jefferson.

Bullwinkle.

This is getting you nowhere.

The way to settle a property-line dispute

is simple.

Get a survey done.

That's a good idea.

You ask 50 people, I'll ask 50 people,

and we'll just see.

Not that kind of survey,

you double dip.

A property-line survey.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Then we'll find out once and for all

who's who and what's what.

Good idea.

But I warn you.

When this thing is all said and done,

you, sir, will owe me an apple and an apology.

And so will your husband.

You know, Al,

that surveyor really looks familiar.

Now, as I said,

when parcel "A" and parcel "B"

were divided up originally,

the records were destroyed by fire.

But we do know that...

The little Partridge boy.

Al?

Doesn't he look exactly like

Danny Partridge?

Peg, please.

There's an apple at stake here.

He does.

Well...

I'm not.

Now, as I was saying,

the Bundy land was originally Indian land.

Actually, it was Indian land fill.

It...

It's where they threw their rotting moccasins.

Now, it's because of that

that the real property line

becomes very irregular...

And stinky.

So, who does the apple tree really belong to?

Does it really matter?

The important thing is that we're neighbors,

and we must get along.

In answer to your question,

the tree belongs to...

The D'Arcys.

Yes!

Are you sure you aren't...

Yes, I'm sure.

I've never been so sure of anything

in my entire life.

Let's go.

Let's go, Danny.

We got to be in Pittsburgh by midnight.

Come on.

Get happy.

You know,

I think that since our fence line

has never been challenged before,

the next apple that grows on that tree

should be mine.

Sorry, Al.

You heard what the man said.

[ENGINE STARTS]

You mean to tell me

you're going to believe what a crazy surveyor

in a psychedelic bus says?

Look, Al, we agreed

to abide by the results of this survey,

and the survey says the tree is ours.

That's right.

What's your'n is your'n,

and what's our'n is our'n.

Now, if you'll excuse us,

we have a little apple celebrating to do.

Adam and Eve style.

I wish there was something that I could do.

Oh, Al, just forget about the tree.

And why don't we do something Adam and Eve style?

That's a good idea, Peg.

Put a fig leaf over your face

and give me back my rib.

[GIGGLING]

MARCY: Let me help you out of this, honey.

[GIGGLING]

Uh-oh.

Ahh.

Ah, well, here's to our new tree.

What should we call it?

How about firewood?

Oh.

That's the beauty of the law, Jefferson.

It makes ownership specific and unquestioned.

I think that's what our ancestors had in mind

when they massacred the Indians

and wrote the Bill of Rights.

[CHAIN SAW BUZZING]

MARCY: Al!

Al Bundy, what do you think you're doing?

Going blind if you stand up.

Look, Al,

this happens to be a private party.

So, we'd appreciate it if you'd get out of our yard.

But this isn't your yard.

If you had read your map a little more carefully,

you would've seen that this property belongs to me.

Welcome to Bundiana!

Well, he's right.

Our barbecue is on their property.

Uh, Al?

I didn't realize how much that apple tree meant to you.

It would be wrong of us to keep it.

We'll give you your tree back

in exchange for our barbecue.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll give you part of your barbecue back.

[COUGHING]

Peggy Bundy!

I would expect this kind of Aboriginal behavior

from the Mud People,

but I'm surprised you're out here

supporting this outrage.

Well, I'm really sorry,

but it's not often

Al offers to take us on a family picnic.

No need to apologize, is there, Marcy?

After all,

what's our'n is our'n,

and what's your'n is your'n.

Excuse me, Mom.

Uh, excuse me, but, uh...

These are ours.

Not anymore!

Some never were.

Don't worry, dear.

I'll take care of this.

Mm-hmm.

Then when I opened the bedroom door,

I saw him making love,

not only to a woman,

but a...

What happened?

What happened?

Sorry, Peggy, but, uh...

Your cable line

seems to have passed through our property.

Al.

They killed Oprah!

Now, look!

Look what you've done to my wife!

Don't you realize without cable TV,

she'll want to talk to me now?

You should've thought of that

before you stole our barbecue!

Two can play at this game.

Get out of my way, Gluteus Minimus!

Hey, that's our phone line!

It's on my property.

[SIZZLING]

Oh, good. Our first customer.

As you can see,

this driveway belongs to us.

But we'll be glad to let you use it,

won't we, Jefferson?

Sure, as long as he pays the toll.

How much is it?

$1,500.

Exact change, please.

$1,500?

Are you crazy?

Who are you calling crazy, punk?

Your wife.

I don't need the stinking driveway.

I'll drive out through my yard.

[POP POP]

I wish they'd hurry up and fix our cable.

Me, too.

I hate nature shows.

How much longer do we have to watch

the mating habits of the sea anemone?

Well...

At least it's better than watching them

act out Martin.

I just didn't buy it when Bud kept saying,

"I gots to have it."

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

Hi.

I'm the building-code inspector.

Are you the one that called?

I am.

Aren't you...

No.

Don't even ask.

I'm not him.

I've never been him.

I can't stand the little creep.

Now, I understand you wanted to report

an illegal driveway.

Yes, I did, inspector.

That one right out there.

If you'll look carefully,

you can see that it's built nowhere near code.

I know, because I built it myself out of ground-up women's shoes.

How much is the fine?

Since you turned yourself in,

I'll let it go at $100.

I see.

What if I said I built it that way

just to make you look like an idiot?

Then that would be $1,500.

And, uh...

What if we called you a moron to boot?

$2,000.

Are you sure you're not Gary Coleman

from Diff'rent Strokes?

No.

I am not.

Good. I hated that show.

$5,000.

Don't give it to me.

It's not my driveway.

See, it belongs to those people right next door.

They might not let you in.

The only Black person they respect

is Ted Danson.

What you talking about, Bundy?

Oh, hell.

Now I have to fine myself.

All right, Dad!

That was great, Al.

You got them.

Tune in next week

for another exciting episode of Cops.

I hate playing the hairy drug dealer.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come in, Jefferson.

Yeah, good one, Al.

I got to hand it to you.

You're a formidable adversary.

You certainly won my respect.

Does that mean I get the use of my driveway back?

Well, we've already taken the tollbooth down,

and I can promise

that you'll never have to worry about

that little driveway problem again.

MARCY: Three,

two, one!

[EXPLOSION]

I guess I should've brought

some extra earmuffs with me.

What?

So long.

What did he call me?

Why would I want any cheese?

I never realized what a turn-on

handling heavy explosives could be.

Mmm.

Well, you came to the right place.

My pajamas are filled with dynamite.

[CRANKING SOUND]

Jefferson.

Hmm?

The earth is moving for me.

Hey, it's moving for me, too.

Damn, I'm good.

You're not this good.

Oh, my God! It's Al!

He's jacking up the house!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

We're even now!

Aah!

Hello, Fred?

Jefferson D'Arcy.

Say, does your son still have

that rocket launcher?

Well, there's probably a lesson

to be learned from all this,

but I'll be damned if I know what it is.

Hey, Al, uh...

I've been doing a lot of thinking, and...

I've decided to apologize.

We both want to.

Friendship is much more important

than material things.

Oh, you're right, Marcy.

I want to be friends, too.

Al.

We're married, Peg.

We can't be friends.

I think she meant with the D'Arcys, Dad.

Oh.

I guess it's all right

to try to mend our friendship.

Dad, they blew out the wall of our house.

Bud's room is a mess.

There's rubber body parts everywhere.

I know, pumpkin.

But all the more reason

we should extend the hand

of forgiveness.

First of all,

our other neighbors will hear of this grand gesture

and be pleased.

Then other communities will come

to see the D'Arcys and the Bundys

living side by side in peace.

Then whole cities will take note.

Then countries.

And who knows?

Maybe someday,

in a universe far away...

[RUSTLING]

It's on my side! It's on my side!

It's mine!

I grew it,

I'll eat it.